Are You Secretly Betraying Yourself and Don't Know It?

Self-betrayal can look like…
→ staying in relationships where you’re not treated with respect or kindness
→ tolerating behavior that clearly crosses your boundaries
→ abandoning your truth to avoid conflict or keep the peace

But those are the easier ones to spot.

In this talk, I share six ways we self-betray that often go unnoticed. Whether it’s obvious or subtle, self-betrayal is still self-betrayal. Any form of it creates energetic disruptions and quietly pulls us further away from the life and relationships we desire most.

We truly move the needle when we pay close attention to the ways we are silently betraying ourselves and begin listening to what our body, intuition, and emotions have been communicating all along.

This talk explores the unseen layers of self-betrayal and why awareness, not force, is what creates lasting change.
 
For FREE Resources, Book Link, Quizzes, Self-Love Merch Shop, 1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen 0:00

I'm just giddy. I'm a stupid nerd about all of this. I'm a ridiculous, silly nerd, I guess would be a better way to say that. I geek out on this type of stuff because my goal in life is truly to hand you your power. Now I can't do that, but I can hand you information and tools and techniques and ideas and perceptions. And I love to share stuff with you that's going to put you in the power seat of your own life. And sometimes we need to understand something about our behaviors. We need to understand what it is we're doing that's actually not working for us, that's actually working against us. So this talk started out as five silent ways. You're betraying yourself. And then right before I came on, I said, ooh, there's another way. And there could be more. Just so you know that this isn't one and done. This is just not six ways, period. These are just things that came to top of mind for me that I wanted to share with you because you could be somebody who is stuck in people pleasing or self-betrayal or self-abandonment, and you don't even know it because it feels so normal and natural to you because you've been doing this for so long. And anything that we repeat, even habits that are not serving to us or are quote unquote bad, that are not healthy for us, they can feel normal because we've done it for so long. It becomes who part of who we are, part of our identity. And so thinking that we need to change that, we're thinking that we're actually giving away a part of ourselves. But the truth is, the irony and the paradoxes is that we have given away parts of ourselves which has shown up in these types of dysfunctional or negative patterns, if you will. And so it is recognizing those first so that we can return back to ourselves. Is that confusing? I hope that's not confusing because I've talked about this a lot that we often fracture out who we are. We just get fractured into a whole bunch of pieces instead of being in that whole complete self. And that's why I use the hashtag down here, self all the time. I use that all the time because that's the journey here for us to become empowered, is to return back to that whole self that we came here with before all of the traumas and dramas and experiences that moved us away from that true whole and complete self. So, what is betraying ourselves actually mean? Let's just start there. What does that actually mean? It means that we're disconnecting from our own truth in order to gain approval, to avoid conflict, or to feel safe. So, in essence, we're disconnecting from ourself, our own truth. Who we are, what we need, what works for us in order to gain approval, be a peacekeeper, or to feel safe, or to feel liked, or to feel like we're not going to be left alone, whatever it might be. There are ways that we can actually betray ourselves and abandon ourselves in this process. So at its core, self-betrayal is essentially trading authenticity for acceptance and trading alignment to stay comfortable. Again, this becomes a habit and it becomes a pattern. And it goes, it's going to feel very, very awkward at first when we start reaching for that whole self, when we start reaching toward our truth, when we start displaying new habits and behaviors, they're going to feel awkward at first. They're going to feel like we're doing something wrong. And I want you to be able to sit in that discomfort because our best life is on the other side of our comfort zone. So when we decide to reach outside of that comfort zone and to start to do things that feel weird at first, they're unfamiliar, they're awkward. And we're scared, to be honest, because we're afraid that we are going to get disapproval, pushback, hate mail, whatever it might be. We're afraid these things are going to happen. So they're going to feel very wonky at first. But I promise you, when you continue on that path, it is going to become your new habit and pattern. So we can actually rewire our brains to organically have healthy habits and patterns. We're not just one and done. We're not just stuck in the old habit and pattern, which actually leads me to my first point that one of the ways that we can betray ourselves is by staying stuck in old patterns. You already know it hurt you, or it hurts somebody else. You already know it's not working within yourself and your goals, things you want to achieve, or within your relationship. So in essence, when we're when we choose, that's the operative word here, to stay stuck in our own have old habits and patterns, we're trading our potential and growth for comfort. We are trading our potential and growth for comfort. It's really easy to stay stuck in patterns, isn't it? It's really easy to just do the same thing that you've always done over and over and over again. And I'm talking whether it's mentally, emotionally, or physically. It's just part of the status quo. It is the autopilot that's running the show. And it's quite easy to do. In fact, we do it by default. But we're actually choosing that. And that is a way that we are betraying ourselves because the potential that lies inside of you as a soul, as someone who is connected to all that is, that is connected to infinite possibilities and divine intelligence, your potential is through the roof. It's unlimited. We are unlimited in what we can actually do. In fact, many of us, even those who push for growth and expansion, some of us don't even reach that potential that it's unlimited, because it's unlimited. There's so much that we can achieve. But when we choose to stay stuck, we're betraying ourselves because we are saying, nah, I'd rather be this small, hurt or stuck version of myself. And that's a betrayal of the true self, that whole you, that super uber worthy self that you came here as. So if you think about this, if you know, maybe flip it around. If there was someone else in your life and you were telling them to just stay stuck, to just keep doing those things that are hurting themselves or others, wouldn't that be a betrayal of them? Because you see their potential and you know that they can rise. I'm I'm one of those friends and family members that I will see you at your highest. I won't push you to get there. That's your job. But I will see you at your highest. I know what you're capable of. And I will stand beside you and I will say, yeah, get it, girl, get a guy, get a boy. That's what I'll say. Keep going. You got this. Rock and roll. As I'm saying that, I'm hearing my eldest brother, Jim, who passed away in 2020, not COVID-related. And man, he was he was such a cheerleader. You'd have to know his personal. I'd be like, yeah, Chris, yeah, get it. I see you doing that. All right, get the thing, yeah. Like, sky's the limit, sister. The sky's the limit. And I love that. And we were both in alignment with that. And that was really beautiful. But can you imagine if he said, nah, you suck, don't do that. Just stay where you're at. Don't even bother.

unknown 7:48

Okay.

Kristen 7:49

Wouldn't that be a betrayal? A betrayal of love? A betrayal of me? A betrayal of himself. So we could be doing this to ourselves. So the first thing to think about is that when you stay stuck in your old patterns, you're reinforcing your lies of unworthiness and you're staying in the loop of this is all I deserve. Or this is as good as it's ever gonna get. Or this is as good as I'm ever gonna be. I got a couple messages on the back channel. Laura G said clap, clap, clap, clap. Thank you, Laura. I appreciate that. Linked said hello, hi there. Alrighty. Gonna continue on with the next step. Or not next step, it's a next way, a silent way, is shrinking your voice. Now, I've already touched upon this in the opener of this conversation. The truth is that you have wisdom, ideas, and needs that deserve to be expressed. What's going on inside of you matters. It matters. And it needs to matter to you first because you're betraying yourself if you are silencing yourself out of fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of conflict, dimming your own light, playing small, not being that goofy, awesome, creative, unique individual that you are. Sometimes we think that shrinking our voice or staying silent is to protect other people's comfort. And that's a lot of reason why we do that, because we don't want to rock the boat. We don't want somebody to not like us, but it costs us our authenticity. And it keeps us from being fully seen. And what is it that we want more than anything as humans? I heard this once a long time ago, and I thought, man, that's it. We want to be seen. We want to be seen and honored and valued and respected for who we authentically are. But if you are shrinking your voice, you're betraying yourself from something that is so organically you, and you're saying, no, no, no, no, no, it doesn't matter. All these other people out here matter more than me. I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want to lose a friendship, I don't want someone to be mad at me, I don't want to be disliked. What if the opposite happens? What if by you stepping into your full authenticity that you drop the people who will never honor you honor you, who will never respect you, who aren't in alignment with you, and you start attracting people to you that just think you're the greatest thing on the planet. I have this friend at the gym. Oh gosh. I don't even know how old he is. He's older than me by 10, 12, 10 years, maybe. I don't even know. But anyway, he is so organically himself. I just adore this guy. He's goofy. He's him. And I love that because I don't have to guess who he is. He just who he is. And that's that's very freeing to me. And I got to decide if I wanted to be friends with him, if if who he is organically is in alignment with me. And yeah, we're very different in a lot of ways. We're very different. But that's what I love too, because even in those differences, we just go, oh, yeah, okay, and then we move on. And I think that's so cool because I got to meet a new person, a new friend to have in my life who is all of who he is. And it's it's so refreshing. It's such a beautiful thing. So keep that in mind that if you're shrinking your voice to keep others comfortable, it's costing you your authenticity. It's costing you getting your needs met. It's costing you finding those people who are going to be so incredibly happy that they found you. Those people that are gonna be like, Where have you been my whole life, you little goofball you? I love your weird. I love your authenticity. I think you're great. It's gonna cost you those things. So learning to speak up, we stop shrinking our voice, and we step fully into who we are. The next way that we could be silently betraying ourselves is that we're ignoring our intuition. I can talk about intuition until the cows come home, come home. And I'm gonna tell you something that I do believe that this is gonna be a bold statement, you guys. You ready? A lot of the world has intuition wrong. They're taking their instincts as intuition, and it might be a form of intuition, but that's truly the animalistic part of us that is alerting us to when there is something that we need to be aware of. Okay, it could be, it could be danger, it could be just a heads up, but there's this instinctual part of us that comes in through the gut. And it's just the alert, just like a gazelle could be a mile away from something and all of a sudden, whoop, it turns its head. And it's not because it smelled anything, it's instinct is kicking in that there's danger, that there's a lion afoot over there in the Serengeti. Okay, that is instinct. We can ignore our instincts, but we can also ignore our intuition. And our intuition are messages that come to us. Okay, both of these things are our inner compasses, and they both work hand in hand together. So if we dismiss or override the messages, the feelings, the nudges, then we are choosing fear. We are choosing doubt, and we are choosing logic alone. And logic alone never gets us as far as we could possibly go. So the result is that you'll end up repeating old patterns that you already know aren't aligned, they're going to leave you stuck and frustrated. And also, I believe, you know, intuition, I won't go deeply into it in this talk. I have in many other talks, and I'll give another one soon because I do repeat conversations because new people are joining here all the time. And intuition comes to us in five ways. It comes to us in clair audience, clairvoyance, clairsentient, claircognizant. And is that all of them? I think there was maybe it's four. Anyway, so clear hearing, which means we'll hear something up in our head, we'll hear a voice of some type, or it could be through music. We will hear um clair, uh cognizant is a clear knowing, which means you just know, you know, you know, you know, you know. And you can't prove it to anybody. You just know. And it always ends up being correct. Clairsensient is clear feeling. Okay, this is where a lot of empaths are very clairsentient. They pick up on energy feelings, all right? And what was the other one? Clairvoyance, which is actually visual pictures that might pop into your head. Okay. So do you see how intuition is very different than instinct? They're two different things, but they do work cohesively together. And intuition comes from the ethers, it comes from the quantum field. It's information that is handed to us to help us choose better on our path. So anytime that we're not trusting or listening to or ignoring our intuition and instincts, we're actually betraying ourselves. No, bueno. That's no good, you guys, because your instincts and intuition are for you specifically. Like I said, they are yours to survive and to thrive. Not survival mode, to actually survive, to live and to thrive on this planet. They're yours. And furthermore, how am I gonna word this? They can they can seem wonky to somebody else. Like we could just, someone could walk in a room, we could be like, oh no, that person's not as bad. I can't, I didn't want to be around that person. I need to leave. You know, it could be something like that. People are like, what is up with you? And you're like, no, this is weird. And they look at that person, they're not getting that feeling. They're not getting that image, whatever it might be for them, or that instinct that has come up. They're not getting that. Doesn't mean you're wrong. It could be that they're just not in touch, that they're always overriding their logic, their left brain, their thinking brain over their intuition and their instinct. And so then we go to try to explain this to somebody, they think we're crazy or whatever. And then oftentimes we will remove ourselves or something, and the proof of this doesn't come for years later if it ever comes. There's been times I've listened to my instinct or my intuition, and I'm just like, nope, this is this is a hell no, I don't know why. And I never knew why, but I've learned to trust that so much. I don't need to know anymore. Because you can get so good at trusting yourself. You're gonna know what the feels are for you. So let's say a message comes to me and it feels like I just I'm gonna do this in numbers because there's no other way I can explain it. It feels like a 0.2534. That's how I resonate. I'm like, okay, oh, that was 0.2534. I feel that feeling, but to you, it could come through a 0.6521. See what I'm saying? You have to get adept at what your 0.6521 feels like. I'm just using that as an example. All right. You're gonna know. I feel it, I sense it, I heard it. Whatever it might be, however it comes to you, it's trusting your instincts and intuition and what it feels like to you. Here's another thing that's really important about instincts and intuition. It's a statement. It's not your ego ranting and raving and yelling at you and telling you that all's going to heck and that you better run for your life. It doesn't work like that. It's quiet and it's solid. So that's a great way to distinguish between the two. So if you are not listening to your inner nudges and those feelings and images or whatever might come up for you, you're actually betraying yourself. You have stepped away from yourself in a massive way. The next one is, and by the way, the queue is empty, you guys. So come on up and join. If anybody has anything to say or to share or questions you want to ask, the next one is the way that we could settle, um, betray ourselves is by settling for less. Huge. How many of you, by a show of emojis, how many of you can pick an area in your life where you have in the past or are currently settling for less? Send up your emojis. I know we have a little time delay. Yes, there's there's one. We got the one brave soul so far. There we go. All right. We have Tina, Jeanette, VA, Cher, Lynn, Amani, Paula, Jennifer. That's what the ones I could read on the back channel. Yeah. We've settled for less. And if you ask yourself why you settle for less, what was the reason? What was the reason? It's typically fear-based. It's actually 100% fear-based. It is, I'm afraid I don't deserve this. I'm afraid I'll be alone. I'm afraid I'll make a fool out of myself. I'm afraid I'll be rejected. You know, insert the fear. And we are fear biased. We are negativity biased. That's how our brain is wired to survive. Look for the bad things. But too many of us are listening to that too much. We're just listening to them, like, well, I better stay here because there's no good job out there. I've heard people say this, like regarding jobs. Well, I'm just gonna stay where, you know, I hate my job, blah, blah, blah, complain, complain. Well, why don't you try some? Well, there's nothing else. I just heard this the other day. I couldn't tell you who it was. I don't remember the story. But somebody was like, no, I gotta stay here because I can't find another job that'll pay this well. And I'm like, excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Limited Thinker? Or Ms. I think it was a male that said it. That's why I'm using men or the male version. No, that's limited thinking. So you're settling and staying stuck because you don't believe in the abundance of the universe. Hello. Or we don't believe that there's gonna be another person that we're gonna spend the rest of our life alone. Or no one's ever gonna love us. Or I should just be darn lucky I had that one chance. I better not, you know, squander this one chance that I have. I've known people that didn't date a lot and finally dated somebody and end up marrying them and being in that relationship because they didn't think there was ever gonna be anybody else. I know people who've done this because they've gotten older. So, well, I'm 45 now, you know, the dating pool is slim. No, it's not. Who are you? Who's who's the superpower of the universe? What about abundance? So we settle. We settle, we settle for relationships, we settle for jobs, we settle for our health. And when we do this, we are draining rather than nourishing ourselves because it may feel quote unquote safer than change. Ooh, I gotta take a risk. Gotta take a risk. I've coached some people through that before, the fear of taking risks, because they were afraid of rejection. They were afraid of there was nothing better. And I said, go take some small risks, go just do some small things. Get your body accustomed to it. Because if we're in the pattern of never taking any risks ever, it can be a little daunting to go take a big one, like I'm just quitting my job. Paula, wasn't that you that just finally quit that job? I think it was you, and you're like, I'm done. I I think it was you. Anyway, that was a while back, six, eight months ago. But yeah. Yep, she study up. I remember that day. I remember that day when you were like, I did it, I quit, or I put in my two weeks. And she's happier now. She's so much happier now. And that was a tough call. That was a scary thing. Paula, correct me too. I think it was, I had some type of challenge, a courage challenge. That's right. I offered a courage challenge to do something that scares everybody. I think it was that. So consider that, you guys. Where can I be? Yes, ma'am. Okay, thank you, dear. Where can I be more courageous? We don't want to settle for less, guys. When we're settling for less, it's saying this is all I deserve. It's also saying I don't believe in abundance. It also says I'm scared. Let's be real. When you're settling for lust, you're you're just pinpointing where you're afraid, where you're in fear rather than faith and rather than trust of the universe, of what's to be. But I know, I know, deep inside, there's a part of you, because I know, there's a part of you just like, but I just, I really don't want to be here anymore. I really don't want to do this thing anymore. I really don't want to be in this position or stay in this repeating experience over, and I just don't want to do this anymore. There's a part of you that knows that, but it's got to learn to override the fear. And I will say that just for me, you might do it differently. But a large part of overriding that particular brand of fear for myself is understanding the abundance of the universe. When I can sink into that, I believe then I can have anything. And in some areas that took a minute. Sometimes it took 40 minutes. I'm kidding, you get what I'm saying. It took a while because I really had some sort of programming inside of me that said, nope, this is as good as it gets. But it was programming. And it was programming based on the 3D world. It was what quote unquote reality, oh, that reality. Yeah, those four pieces of reality showed me the same thing because I was energetically vibrating in alignment with that. So I kept attracting that. When I started leaning into abundance instead of lack, when I started to understand that I am emitting a vibrational frequency at all times, and I will get the equivalent delivered to me. And I practiced it and played with it. That's where my faith grew and my faith solidified. I started with small things. And then all of a sudden, I'm just laughing when the thing pops in. And I look, you can't point it out to somebody because they don't get it. You're like, yeah, I was really vibrating this the other day. And look, here's a pink piece of bazooka gum. And they're like, what? They might get it topically, they might get it from the top of their brain, you know, logically. But you know what it feels like when it comes. It's like your whole chest becomes expansive and weightless. Anytime that I that thing comes in, it's almost like time stands still. For a second, I'm weightless. As I'm feeling the feeling of, yeah, this just came out of freaking nowhere. We have that ability. Okay, let's see. We got Amani coming in. Welcome, Amani. Thanks for coming.

Imani 26:15

Well, as usual, y'all. Uh, Kristen was in my closet. She always gets me like this, but I enjoy it. I know that it can be so easy to sabotage yourself without you realizing you're sabotaging yourself. I used to have such negative self-talk. I used to feel that everything that happened was my fault. I would apologize for things I didn't need to apologize for. I sacrificed my identity and my feelings so other people could be comfortable. But then I would excuse the behavior or what they said, like, oh, they're just having a bad day. Oh, dot, dot, dot. Not acknowledging how it really did affect me. But it wasn't until I truly took the time to sit by myself. And believe me, when you when you're by yourself and that stillness at first is going to feel uncomfortable because we're so used to having all the distractions, all the noise happening around us, right? But when you turn all of it off, you turn the phone over so you don't see the screen light up, you might have some nice soothing music and that's it. But when you take time to just sit and really acknowledge and assess how you're feeling, what happened with that experience, and really process through it, you get more clarity on what actually happened versus what we thought happened. Because sometimes our perception at first is reactional, right? Because we're in the emotion, we're in the moment. But when we take a time to step back and really look at it, nine times out of ten, we find out it really wasn't that serious. It wasn't that serious. We exploded it into the hemisphere. We just catastrophized. I've heard people say you've catastrophized it to the tenth degree. And now you feel worse than when you was actually in the situation. Now that I take time to sit, process, acknowledge, I hold space for myself every day, I'm not as reactional anymore. I'm proactive. I don't say, oh, that was a mistake. I'll say what was the lesson learned in that experience? Because I have a negative connotation to mistake. Mistake, mistake. But I've had to shift my perspective, my perception, and what I was saying to flip it so that it is more positive and that I get to process it versus I have to. Have to is obligation. And a lot of times our mind will trick us when we say, you know, something like I have to, it becomes more of an obligation. Like you have to do it, you got to check the box off versus I get to. You're now reclaiming your power of this situation and what you want to add or not add to it. Let me tell you, I'm still blowing my mind, okay? Just like yesterday. I actually said no and didn't have a synth after it. I was like, wait a minute, you I can do this? Really? And even though they tried to still talk me down, my no was my no, and my yes was my yes. Whereas before I'd like, oh, okay, well, you know, well, now that you put it that way, well, you know, I didn't think of it. Okay, I'll do. Then you're frustrated because you really didn't want to do it in the first place. You were appeasing someone but sacrificing yourself. You don't have to sacrifice yourself. Because the people who need to be in your life, they will understand and no explanation will be needed. They'll just be like, Amani, I get you. That sucks. What do you need from me today? Versus people who aren't interested. And it's not a bad thing. It just might be they're at capacity and they don't know how to tell you. There's so much in the weeds of their stuff, they just can't take on anything else and they don't know how to say it that way. Because they also might be afraid they're gonna hurt your feelings. But when you reclaim that power, when you are intentional and having those quiet times with yourself, even if at first it's five minutes, start with that. Because little by little, a little will become a lie. Thank you, Kristen. You were in my closet again. You're always for a good one. But it's always for a good reason. And I know with every one of our experiences, they're not just for us, they're to show someone else how you got through it so you can now give them permission to see how much they can get through it too. Love y'all, and as usual, pick up your crown, dust it off, put it back on your head, because you are royalty and you are designed and deserving to thrive. Love you, lady.

Kristen 31:05

Woo woo. Thank you, thank you, Amani. That was awesome. Thank you so much for that. Oh, I agree. I love that she brought up where she might be asking somebody else something, and I'm not sure how you worded it, Amani, so forgive me for my paraphrasing, but something to the effect of, hmm, are they just people pleasing me, or do they really mean this, or do they want this, or what have you? And I can pick up on that fairly straight away now with people that I experience in my life. There's one particular right now who, when I ask them a question, I'll say, I please be honest. Please be honest. You're safe to be honest with me. I don't get my feelings hurt. And this person, because they're fairly new in our world, is really being honest with me. And I'm so happy because I know that they have typically been a people pleaser and had stayed silent and had lost their voice for whatever reason in their life. And watching this person learn to trust me and to know that I will hold their truth and that it can be whatever they want it to be and it's okay. Oh, it just makes me feel so good because I want people to feel safe with me. I don't want people to think they have to. Now remember, it's people pleasing and silencing your voice and these types of things. We typically don't pick and choose who it comes to. It's just kind of a, it's, it's the way of being. It's our pattern way of behaving. So it's just kind of the default that we do with everybody. So it, you know, there might be a person or two in a people pleaser's life where they can really be themselves, like with their sister or their brother or whoever, best friend, type of thing. For some, it's it's just across the board with whoever they're with. And when I know that about someone, I want them to know that you don't have to be that with me. It's okay to be exactly who you are. It is okay. Okay, the next one. This probably goes without saying, but this is a way that we betray ourselves, is we make everyone else's needs more important than our own. Because caring for others, tending to others, nurturing others is beautiful. But not when it's at the expense of our own well-being. Not when it's at the expense of our self-abandonment. When you constantly put yourself last, you're going to reinforce the belief that your well-being doesn't matter. And over time, that's going to lead to exhaustion and resentment and a loss of connection to not only to who you truly are, but with your people. Interesting, huh? We make everybody else's needs more important. They might feel the connection because we're doing that, but we're not. Because we equally need our needs to be important. And again, this goes back to using your voice. If we're not speaking up about our needs, our healthy needs, nobody knows. And it's a beautiful thing when people meet each other's needs. When if you're in a relationship that's being done, and I'm not talking solely romantic, I'm talking any relationship where you show up for each other's needs like that, it feels really connected and very safe. I've watched some things that some family members of mine have done. And it just where they they see a need and they and they step up and meet that need. I feel like I can I can lean on them. It makes me trust them that I can hand them something and they're actually gonna do it. And they're gonna do it happily because it's serving a need that I have. That makes me really trust those people. And to know, you know what? I matter to them. I matter to me first, that's why I'm speaking up, and I matter to them because they're following through. Now we do have some absent-minded professors in our life, you know, people who are just who knows where, maybe they have anxiety, maybe they're, you know, little ADHD, whatever they might be. And we'll give them something and then they drop the ball. They didn't mean to. You guys get what I'm saying. There's the people who are willing and the people that who are not, even though sometimes the willing ones might forget. But the ones that are not, we learn who people are when we say to them, here's my need. My need is this. Are they gonna show up for that need? And this is what's beautiful between me and my children is I see this over and over again with them. This is why we're so connected. One of my daughter's friends said to her, my eldest daughter said to her the other day, your family is an anomaly. The way you guys are with each other, you're an anomaly. And I thought about that. And that was a, I guess, I guess I don't know all the inner workings of other people's families. But that was because I worked towards it. I didn't betray them. I didn't betray myself. I kept showing up as hard as it was, as tough as it was. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted this family to feel, and I worked towards it. And it was messy and ugly and screaming sometimes, and you know, door slamming and ugh, you name it. We're not over here, like, I don't know, some type of weird thing. No, we work towards it. And my daughter said this the other day. She said, Mom, we are the way we are because of you. That is such a big thing that I didn't even know how to wrap my head around it. I get it. But really, what it boiled down to, and I say this in an ultimate humble manner, is it's because I cared enough to heal. And I was courageous enough to heal. That's it. It's not because I had a magic wand. It's because I knew that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and my tree had some low-hanging fruit, and I did not want that not great fruit to become their my legacy. So, how do I how do I do this? I just kept showing up and showing up and tripping and falling and stumbling and scraping my face on the asphalt and getting back up again and and going again and going again. And to have my 31-year-old daughter say that to me, no one can give me a better prize. Not even a million dollars. That's it, right there. And how did this happen? Because I stopped betraying myself. I stopped abandoning myself, I learned to love myself. I started to treat myself like I matter. And that changed the way I showed up as a mother. It changed the way that I set boundaries with them. Because some of them were a little spoiled. Not in that I'm just buying you everything you want, but just I didn't have boundaries. I didn't have proper yeses and no's. It was through that hard work that got us to where we are. And I'm here to tell you no matter what your experience is, when you dedicate yourself, you will reap the rewards. I'm saying it right here with utmost certainty. When you dedicate yourself to your healing, to your becoming, to your evolution, you will reap the rewards. And they're beautiful. And I can't tell you how they're gonna come because I'm not in your life and I'm not God's horse universe. I don't know. I just know that that's a fact. So this whole conversation is about how to stop betraying the self, recognizing the places inside of us that we're not being honoring and respectful to the self. All right, so we're gonna move on to the next one. Okay, we did that one. Oh, one last quote from number this number, this one, making everyone else's needs more important than your own. Self-betrayal often shows up quietly in everyday choices. The good news is the moment you notice it, you can begin choosing differently. And that's where true self-trust and freedom begins. It's in those everyday. Occurrences and choices. Am I going to choose to betray me right now by not speaking up, by ignoring my intuition, for settling for the unacceptable or what's too small for me or what I've outgrown? Am I going to speak up? Or am I going to stay the same? And the last one that we talk about a lot on here, I'm not the only speaker that talks about this one, so you're going to be familiar. And that is a silent way that we betray ourselves is saying yes when we mean no. Or saying no when we mean yes. Do you need help? No, no, I'm fine. Yeah, you do. That's betraying yourself. Have you ever looked at just someone and said, I need help? Some of us have, some of us haven't. Some of us are just starting that. Do you need help? Are you okay? Fine. That's saying no when you when you mean yes. If somebody has the wherewithal to ask you, it means they want to help you. They're not gonna say, Are you okay? And you say no, and they're gonna say, Oh, okay. Well, I gotta go. I'll talk to you tomorrow. They're not gonna do that. They're asking us these questions because they care. Are you gonna slap the hand that's trying to feed you? Are you gonna kick that kitten that's trying to love you? Are you gonna betray yourself where this there's this place that somebody can step in for you? Are you gonna honor exactly where you're at and say, yes, I need you. I need help right now. I need a hug, I need love, I need whatever. But it's equally true with our yeses. Do you want, can you loan me$5,000? Yes. I don't want to loan the person$5,000. I've done it three times. They still haven't paid me back. I'm a little pissed about it. I'm annoyed. I'm resentful, I'm frustrated, and here's the five grand. I'm I haven't had that experience. I'm just sharing that with you guys. You get what I'm saying. We just keep saying yes. Well, they can't live without my money, or they're gonna end up on the street, or they're going to, you name it, whatever it might be. Did it ever occur to you that your yes to the five grand is stopping them from learning how to do it themselves? Eek. Man, when I learned that whole thing, I it's that whole we they can't figure it out if we're fixing it for them. It was a hard one for me. I'm gonna be honest. It's a hard one for me, especially when it came to my babes. I man, I had to find that line between love and and overgiving with them and limits and oh, what does love mean? Does love mean I give them everything they ask for? Or no, love means limits. Oh my God, this limit is scary. Oh, they're gonna get mad at me. And I had to find that line. I had to find that line with partners and friends. And know that I had to honor me. I couldn't betray me, I couldn't abandon me. I had to find what worked for me and then be willing and courageous enough to put it into place, sometimes internally bracing myself and squinting and kind of like you turn your head to the side, you're waiting for someone to jump in the pool and splash you kind of thing. That's what it looked like on the inside. And I held it and I held it and I held it. I'm gonna, I'm gonna think about it. The splash, it comes at you, it hits you, but it goes away. The same thing is true with backlash. It's gonna come at you. But if you don't pick it up, if you don't judge it, if you don't try to control it, it will dissipate. And guess what? Bro or sis gets to learn a lesson. I told the story here before. Dr. John D. Martini, cool guy, love him. Oh, his backstory is amazing. I read a couple of his books. He's amazing. Looking at one of them right now on my bookshelf. And I'm not sure which one has his origin story on it, but wow, pretty darn cool. He said that he had a niece, I believe. I think I'm not sure if he has children, but we had a niece that asked Uncle John for some money because Uncle John was making a great amount of money being a teacher and traveling the world and speaking gigs and et cetera, et cetera. And he said no. He had it, but he said no. And she was a little bent about that. But she came back to him, gonna guess. I think it was like six, eight months later, and she thanked him. Thank you for not bailing me out, Uncle John. Because what I learned is priceless. I needed to figure this out on my own. It's one of the hardest places we can be, isn't it, you guys? Let letting somebody figure it out. I don't like it. It's way out of control for me. It's way, it's it's way, oh god, are they gonna get it? But you've all have heard me say this before that I like to picture people in the ultimate scenario. So instead of sitting over here and worrying what it is, oh, they're not gonna get it. Oh, what if, what if, what if. I'm like, oh, they're gonna get it. They'll figure it out. Nope, they're gonna figure it out. They're smart, they're connected to source, they got it. Mm-mm-mm. They're with resourceful. We're all resourceful when we need to be, aren't we? They're resourceful, they'll figure this out. And then they do. And then they feel great and they've gained confidence in themselves. They've also gained self-trust. Pretty doggone cool. Okay, Paula said compliments from our kids are the best thing ever. It really is. It really is. And they, especially to us individually, because we know, Paula, if you're still in here and anybody else who knows this story, this personal experience, is we know how hard it was. We know the tears, we know the crying, we know the figurative punch in the stomachs, we know the clenching heart, we know the fear, we know the worry, we knew we've lived it all. And when they come back and they're like, wow, you kick some booty, mom. I literally, I just sit there and stare at them like, uh I don't even know what to say to it. But the reason why I speak it out loud to you guys with tears in my eyes is because, heck yeah, KB. Kudos to me. Against all odds, with people throwing so many tomatoes at us, with so many words spoken against me, them. What are you doing? Don't do it like that. You're you know, you're too hard, you're too soft, whatever parenting came at me. And I head down, trudged forward, head down, trudged forward. Yeah, heck yeah, KB. Oops. Went to pat myself on the back and almost threw my phone across the room. When I say to you, you give yourself a hug and a pat yourself on the back, you are coming home to you. You are coming home to you. You are seeing, honoring, and respecting you. I don't care if it was you just got out of bed and made your own way to the toilet today because you lack mobility. Heck yeah. Bro, sis. You give yourself a pat on the back, you hug yourself, you tell yourself, heck yeah. Nobody knows how hard that was but you. They only have a one-dimensional view with all their ideas and all their judgments and all their stuff involved in it and how they would do it, because we project so much of the time. Only you know. Stop looking for the outside pats on the back, but doggone it when somebody hands you something that you know is true and you are worthy of, pick it up. Mush it into your heart. Love yourself, make it true. Yes, you're right. I did, I did that. Go me. It's not arrogant, it's self-love. Trust me, you people pleasers out there, we really don't run the risk of becoming arrogant. And we've been over there on the spectrum way to the left for far too long. We have to cross center first before we become arrogant. So let me draw this timeline for you. Okay, just make, I forgot what they were called, number lines, maybe back in the day in school, where you had zero in the middle, and then you have negative one, two, three, four, five, six all the way to ten on the right, and then you had the positives up to ten on the left. So picture this right smack in the center is interdependence. That is a healthy balance of the needs of others and your own. Okay, that's interdependence. When we are all the way to the left, left and right don't matter. This is just the words I'm using. Don't think of Republican-Democrat because that's not what I'm using. When you're all the way over to the left and you're hardcore people pleaser, or you're all the way over to the right and you're hardcore selfish. When you're on the left, hardcore people pleaser, when you start to come, start to heal, start to come towards center, boom, boom, boom. You're walking, walking, walking, walking, and you're going nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero. You hit interdependence. Interdependence feels so good that you don't want to keep going into selfishness. Your greatest fear is being selfish. It always has been. It took you a lot of work to get you to zero. Get what I'm saying? You're not gonna all of a sudden start being selfish and moving your way across that side. Okay? So keep that in mind. This is not about all of a sudden you're gonna wake up one day and you're gonna be selfish. No, no, no, no, no. But any step in that right direction, any step away from self-abandonment and self-betrayal is beautiful. It's beautiful. Pat yourself on the back, give yourself a hug, say way to go. Kudos, kudos, kudos. Be so proud of yourself. What do they say if a journey of 10,000 miles begins with one step? Yeah, eventually it's 1,000 miles, and then you've made 3,000 miles, and then you've made 9,000 miles, you'll get there. But each step matters. Each little teeny tiny baby step on your journey is a step forward. So there is no win that is too small. Please trust that and know that. Terry said, feeling your words, KB. Kudos. Absolutely. Thank you, Terry. That's wonderful. All right, you guys. Thank you so much for being here. Much love. Bye.