Making Peace With Your Cringey Past: How to Forgive Yourself and Move On

→ Do you ever cringe when a memory pops up and immediately judge the version of you who didn’t know what you know now?

→ Is there something from your past that you’ve apologized for to others, but have never truly forgiven yourself for?

→ Do you replay old moments and think, “I should have known better,” or “What was wrong with me?”

We all have moments in our past that make us cringe or feel embarrassed, whether it's a past behavior or an environment we allowed ourselves to be in. This video explores the universal experience of holding onto regret and embarrassment, how these painful memories impact our present and how to jump to high vibe energy. 

You'll also learn:
✨ the #1 cure to cutting emotional cords with your past
✨ proven strategies to release shame 
✨ how to embody your authentic self and 
✨ how to step into your highest timeline 

This is one you won't want to miss! PRESS PLAY NOW. ▶️

For FREE Resources, 📖 Book Link, 📝 Quizzes, 👚 Self-Love Merch Shop, 🗣️1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

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Much Love,

KB 💖

Transcript

Kristen 0:00

Hello, hello, everyone. I venture to say that there's not a person walking this earth today who hasn't felt some level of cringe or embarrassment about something in their past. Either it was a behavior or it was something that you did or some environment that you allowed yourself to be in. We all have moments in our past that make us cringe, that we don't want to talk about, that maybe give us a little bit of anxiety, things that we want to hide, things that we don't want to discuss with other people. Or if the topic comes up, we shy away from it, we push away from it. Maybe we make excuses about it. Maybe we change the topic because we are human beings and we are flawed. And this means that there's going to be moments in our past that we look back on and we cringe and we're like, ooh, that moment. But what most people don't know is that it's that hidden shame that we have not addressed, that we have not taken care of, that we have not put any energy towards that is running the show. Hidden shame is an epidemic on this planet. Many people are carrying it around and not realizing that it's contributing to so many behaviors that are not serving for their highest good, the highest good of others, or your highest timeline. Welcome to Empower Hour with KB, where we talk about all things self-healing, manifesting, and relationship health. Unbeknownst to many people, they are carrying around suppressed shame. Shame is actually an epidemic on this planet, and it causes people to act in ways that will not yield the best results. This is one of my favorite topics that I can talk about because I feel like it is one of the topics that will yield us the highest results, the quickest results. And what we're going to be getting into is the self-forgiveness around this. Let's start out with some questions. First one, do you ever cringe, or have you ever, when a memory pops up and immediately you judge the version of you who didn't know what you know now? Do you ever look back at yourself and say, oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that? Oh gosh. And it's not just a matter of saying it from a cerebral level, but it's saying it from that cringy deep level. Yes, I see you guys. Awesome. Next one. Is there something from your past that you've apologized for to others, but have never truly forgiven yourself for? This is a biggie. Is there something from your past that you have apologized for, but haven't never really truly forgiven yourself for? I see you all. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Yeah. Do you replay old moments and think, I should have known better, or what was wrong with me? Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Awesome. Thanks, everyone. Are you still carrying guilt or regret from a chapter of your life that is already gone, that has ended, that is in the past? Are you still carrying guilt or regret from a chapter of your life that has already ended? We get so busy in life doing other things, focusing on other goals, that sometimes we forget to take care of the most important thing, and that's our inner world. And our inner world creates our outer world. So if we're not taking care of that inner world, then we cannot yield the results that we would like in our outer world. Okay, here's a couple of more reflection questions. When you think about your past, do you meet yourself with compassion and forgiveness or with criticism? Is there a younger version of you that you still blame instead of try to understand? Do you believe you have to suffer a little longer before you're allowed to move on? This is a biggie. Many people are beating themselves up so much, they feel so terrible for that thing that they did. Like they don't feel like they have punished themselves enough. So they keep suffering and suffering and suffering. What would you change in your life if you finally made peace with who you used to be? We are going to go into the why that self-heal, I'm sorry, self-forgiveness is essential to healing. Self-forgiveness, my beloved, is the doorway. You hear me? It's the doorway, it's the key, it's the path out of shame and back into wholeness. When we self-forgive, we clean up all those messes, we whip out the bounty, the quicker picker-upper, and we put it on that mess and it soaks it up and we throw that paper towel away. I cannot express to you how much self-forgiveness is the cure to shame. We all know that Brene Brown has done so much research and whatnot on shame. That's her gig. And what she started learning about herself was incredible. And that's what I love about Brene Brown because she was like, I'm talking about this stuff, and this is me. And I tell you, because it's everyone. It's everyone. I happened upon this organically when I started to apply certain practices to my life. I did not know I was carrying around hidden shame. I had no idea. Didn't even think it was a thing. Nowhere was it in my purview. But when I started to apply self-forgiveness, when I did the necessary work to apply self-forgiveness to those cringy and embarrassing aspects of my past, something incredible happened. My shame was healed. I stepped more fully into an authentic version of myself, more authentic than I thought I had. I already thought I was authentic. That even up-leveled. I was more able to set and maintain boundaries. My people pleasing greatly diminished. This is what happens when we learn to forgive ourselves. Now, intuitively, I'm picking up right now, and this happens all the time in my talks, but one of you or several of you are cringing so hard at just me talking about this right now. You're not mad at me, you don't hate this, but the feelings of the past are arising for you because we're talking about the past. And I'm gonna invite you right now, whoever you are, to just relax. I want you to take a deep cleansing breath. Slowly exhale and say, I am safe. This is the doorway. I'm learning something right now that's going to free me, that's going to liberate me. The only thing that's holding you back right now is your ego. Remember, the ego wants to keep you small and stuck in order to keep you quote unquote safe so that you can survive and live. But the ego's on hyperdrive all the time, screaming things at us. What if you just turn to the side, left or right, either way, and say to your ego, thank you for trying to protect me? But what you're telling me is a lie. And what I'm hearing right now is capital T truth. And I'm done playing small, I'm done hurting, I'm done suffering. And little Mr. or Ms. Ego, I'm gonna try something different. Because what you're telling me to do and what I have followed is not working for me. And I'm ready to heal, I'm ready to move forward, I'm ready to return to my whole self, and I'm ready to step into my full authenticity and confidence. I'm ready to reclaim my true worth and personal power. And this is why grace and forgiveness of self is the first self-love tenant that I talk about. All my self-love tenants are written in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser. I don't know what happened on Amazon, but right now, for some strange reason, you can only get the Kindle version on there. So I uploaded on my link tree a different link that takes you to Indie Books and you can get the physical copy there. I am talking to my publisher, I'm talking to my distribution company, all those people trying to figure out why it all of a sudden disappeared. I asked my publisher, has this happened to anybody else's book? And she said, No, thank God. Hopefully this is the last time. But for some reason it's not on there. I don't know what happened. But you can get the physical copy on indie books. But also, if you're interested, I have just ordered a big box of books. So if you're in the United States, I can send you a signed copy. So if you're interested in that, I eventually I'll have a link on my website. I just don't have that right now. Um, I just decided this a week ago. You can send me an email at hello at kristinbrown.org. Just say, hey, I would love a signed copy of your book, and I would be happy to send you what the costs are and all those things. Okay. So we're gonna go into why self-forgiveness is the key, why it's the doorway out of shame and back into wholeness. And I've already mentioned this first one, which is it releases shame. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says I am something wrong. Guilt says I'm something bad. Shame says I am bad. And healing cannot happen when we're secretly believing that we are broken, bad, unworthy. How many can relate to those feelings? Send up some emojis. There's something wrong with me. Everybody else is better than me. Yes. Self-forgiveness softens that identity. Oh my gosh, yes. Awesome, guys. Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable here. Self-forgiveness softens that identity, and it sends a powerful signal to our nervous system that says, I am still safe, I am still lovable. In fact, I always have been. It's just my ego that is telling me otherwise. The second thing that it does is it frees trapped emotional energy. Self-judgment keeps the body in a stress loop. It replays the past, it tightens the chest, it clenches our gut, it keeps us hiding, it keeps us in people pleasing, it keeps us from reaching goals, it keeps us from speaking out, it keeps us from seeing our strengths, it keeps us from following our inspiration and our creativity. But when we forgive ourselves, the body finally receives the message that we're safe, that the danger is over, and authenticity becomes a natural byproduct of self-forgiveness. You stop hiding, you stop running, you stop playing small. There are no clear words that I can share with you guys. I've tried for 15 years to figure out how to say this that can express what happens on your inner world. There is a liberation of energy, there is a release. You stay the same. You still like the same things, you still have the same morals and values, you're still the same sense of humor, you still have the same goals. You, your core nature of who you are doesn't change. But you remove the mud, the guck, the grime, the leaves, everything that is covering you. And what happens is that the whole you that has always always been there has just been covered with a bunch of muck, is able to emerge. I often use the metaphor of a red Ferrari, and I only use red Ferrari, it's not my favorite car because it's a great visual for people. We see the shiny, beautiful car, right? Red Ferrari. If you pile a bunch of mud and leaves and newspapers and dog poop and whatever all over this Ferrari, does it change the value of the Ferrari? Or is it still a Ferrari? It doesn't change the value, it's still a Ferrari. When you rinse all that stuff off and you shine her up, she's still the same, isn't she? It's not that we have to become a new version of ourselves. I need you guys to understand this. It's not that I gotta be this other person. I have to force myself to do this and be this and act like this. No, no, no, no, no. Your divine nature, who you are as a soul and a spirit, mixed with some DNA that makes you radically cool and awesome and unique, that's all we're trying to get to. And we do that by removing the dirt and the grime and the leaves and the doggy dew to reveal what has already been there. The third thing that self-forgiveness does is that it ends our self-punishment patterns. Okay, many people, this may not be you, and I don't think this was me. I'm not super self-punishing. I my shame showed up in other ways, but for some people, we can unconsciously punish ourselves through things like staying in unhealthy relationships, or continually self-sabotaging, or overworking, or denying joy, or not receiving the love that's coming to you, because there's something inside of you that says, I don't deserve this, I need to do these other things. Self-forgiveness says, I don't need to suffer to make this right. I want you to hear that. I don't need to suffer to make this right. That belief alone can change your life. I don't need to suffer to make this right. The fourth thing that it does is that it restores self-trust. When we forgive ourselves, we stop using our past as evidence that there's something wrong with us or that we're flawed, and we begin seeing our past as proof that we're learning. The most beautiful thing. Have you yet given yourself permission to not know what you don't know? Who has given them self permission? Give yourself permission in this beautiful golden moment that we have right this second that is never going to happen again. Give yourself permission to not know what you didn't know. The more that I grow, evolve, and change and heal, the more I know that I don't know. And this has become so exciting to me, but it all started with me saying all those cringy moments, all those things that I did, I talk about all those places and things that I did in my past because they no longer affect me. They no longer weigh me down. I saw a little snippet of an interview where a guy said, and I love this because you guys have heard me say this. If you listen to me for any amount of time, but he said it, it's the first other person I've heard say this. He said, You can't shame me. I give myself, he calls it delusional self-forgiveness. That's what he calls it. I call it radical. He says, I forgive myself like it's a delusion. Like he just forgives himself like crazy. He said, You can't shame me because I don't shame me. So often, and hear me with this, you guys, so important. The judgments that we think are coming from other people, that we make up in our mind, are stemming from the fact that we judge ourselves. Okay? This is not to say, because this is a separate thing, that there were times in our past where we were hammered with judgment and that took root in our mind, and we're still working through that and unraveling that and removing it layer by layer by layer. That happens too. But a lot of times we're looking at people and we're thinking they're judging us or they're thinking something bad about us or whatever, because we're thinking that about us. So guess what we're doing? We're projecting it onto the world. It's funny, I told a story one time to my son about one of my quote unquote cringy moments. You know, and we were just in a deep conversation about something. I said, honey, you know what I did one time? And I told him the story. His eyes opened, he goes, Oh my God, mom. And I said, Yeah. And I said, you know, your reply, and this was all worded beautifully, and it was a good conversation, but basically the gist of it was like your reply that was like very judgy, where you're like, Oh my god, that's awful. And I said, But I don't feel that way about it. I look at that sweet little Kristen, sweet little Kristen, just trying to get her needs met, just trying to be loved, just trying to can somebody please protect me? Can somebody please make me feel like I matter? Can somebody love me? That's where it came from. I don't look at that with disdain. I look at that with compassion. I didn't until I did. And this is why I'm having this conversation with you all today. So restoring self-trust, it's believing in yourself. It's return, it's forming a magnificent relationship with you. The most important relationship we have, you guys, I'm pointing, I'm poking my own thigh right now with my finger. Ow, as I'm saying this. The most important relationship in our life is a relationship with ourselves. Everything else stems from that. Because of the way we treat ourselves, the way we value ourselves, the way we talk to ourselves, all of that is contributing to our inner world. And our inner world creates our outer world. It's going to contribute to the way we see things, view things, treat people. The lens through which we receive information. I can tell immediately hidden shame when I when I have been in a conversation with someone and say something very benign and they get super defensive right away, that's hidden shame, you guys. So those of you who are like, God, I'm really defensive. I don't know why I'm defensive, and you think it's just something that you got to muscle your way through and willpower your way through, you can't because the hidden shame is contributing to that. So when you heal the hidden shame, that softens. We still might be a little defensive here and there because that's just the way it is. And it depends also how the delivery of the person are we. Truly being attacked, or we just think we're being attacked. I have literally just given someone information, just said, Oh yeah, this, that, and the other. And they're like, You're attacking me. What? There was no judgment involved. There was no nothing negative. And then that's what came at me. And I thought, hmm, you got some hidden shame. Because the lens through which they heard my words touched that hidden shame, which boom contributes to defensiveness. Do you guys see how that works? Yes. Jennifer just said they were judging themselves. Yes, they've already judged themselves and have this hidden shame inside of themselves. And then when somebody says something, and it can be anybody, it can be you're watching something on TV and someone says something, and all of a sudden you're like, oh my gosh, and you start, you know, going off about whatever is being said on TV. The moment you all that you feel that defensiveness, man, that is your beautiful golden rainbow butterfly moment. That's the moment that you can say to yourself, dang, I'm feeling something right now. What is this touching in me? This is self-healing. This is how we upgrade. This is how we change our energetic vibration. Remember, the energy that we vibrate on, the frequency that we vibrate on ripples out into the world and pulls experiences to us. So in order to get different experiences, we need to shift the inner world. It changed my life in the most profound ways. I'm still a work in progress. I don't know that I'll ever be there. I'm a human. I like being human. I like feeling. And I don't want to suffer anymore. And the last thing is that it returns you to compassion, which I just touched on, is the frequency of healing. From a nervous system and an energetic perspective, compassion, love, acceptance, forgiveness is a regulating state. So many of us are running amok through this world in a level of survival mode and a level of nervousness. And some of it, some of it, because we all have backstories and traumas and dramas and things, but some of it has to do with the shame that we're carrying. So we can regulate in that area by forgiving ourselves. And the moment that we meet ourselves with understanding and compassion instead of criticism, that's when our service, our system is going to shift from threat to safety. And safety is where healing lives. This is why I talk ad nauseum about healing the nervous system. We have truth. Welcome, truth. Thank you so much for joining.

Truth 22:55

There's so many different directions that I feel like I could go with this one. So hopefully, whatever comes out is what's going to be the most helpful for other people. Um, but I am like super grateful that you come back to this topic because I think that this topic is one that like it's an onion, it's layers that you have to like just keep peeling back and like keep going back to. So yeah, I'm super grateful that this one is coming up again. In my process, like in my journey, I think like the thing that I cringe the most about is the part of me that is also the most authentic. And like I've been able to, it's been easier for me to forgive like the material things or like the more superficial things of like, oh, this action, that action. I find that it's easier for me to have the self-compassion for myself, but then that piece that is the authentic me, that I got those messages that it was wrong, which big shocker, it's my big feelings. I never know. That's like that is where I still get the most cringy because like I still do get to places where like I still explode sometimes, like around the holidays. I think I got up on stage with you as I was like going through some remorse of an explosion that happened. But from that, I've been able to like see how it happened and see that like I was dysregulated for over a week, and there were so many triggers coming from so many directions that it was like it took, I was very, very judgmental of myself, and it took a really it took like a month, almost a full month. I guess we're about at a full month, like somewhere last week. I finally started to kind of come to truth come back, come back so you can finish.

Kristen 24:48

Okay, because you just timed out and you're right at a really crucial part in what you were saying. So we're gonna go ahead and bring truth back up.

Truth 24:55

Yeah, I started to come to terms with those big emotions in a different way, and like the way that I've been processing this last month and working through it, it's really like my biggest focus has been the meaning and the stories because that's really like what I got down to is like the biggest part of it is this like deep childhood wound, this deep abandonment wound, this deep wound of not feeling loved enough or not feeling worthy, feeling like my mother that you mattered, yeah, or that I mattered, not seeing all the things, and just like really leaning into trying to like reframe. I'm like using a version of Byron Cady's the work to kind of like reframe it and like do the turnaround. It's like it's a slightly modified version where um with each like opposite statement that I make, I'm also providing like three pieces of evidence for each statement instead of making three statements in opposition. It's like I'm making a statement and then I'm like, this is why. It's really just I think she does that actually.

Kristen 26:09

I think she does that too. Yeah, like expand on it. I think when you write it, when she has the yeah, how does she actually do the worksheet? There's yeah, to expand on it and to make it really stick.

Truth 26:19

I guess like the sad thing is like the cringiest thing that I'm having the most trouble letting go is that deepest part of me. It is that big feeling part of me. But I also realize it's because those stories are so ingrained, because I got those messages just over and over and over during that really important part of childhood where like I was shaping my meaning of the world, and that adaptive child has just like is still just like clinging on so hard to like your emotions make other people uncomfortable, they're too big, blah, blah, blah. Um, so that's like that's where I am right now, is just really trying to make peace with the part of myself that is the biggest part of me that has always received the biggest criticism. And I don't know, just trying to accept it. And some days I'm fine. I'm like, yeah, I'm a big feeler. And then other days when my emotions do make other people feel uncomfortable, I hear all those voices again. And then I have to like go through there's multiple processes that I have, but I have to like pick a process to like go through it just to like be okay. But I think it's just really important that like when we do get in those places of self-judgment, that we all kind of like have in our toolbox a process that works for us or something that helps us like feel better or like come back to a state of regulation because it's something that like, especially with that deep stuff that's really ingrained, like we're gonna have to keep going back to it over and over. Um, and so thank you for having this talk again.

Kristen 27:59

You're welcome, Truth. Have you gone to Little You and just sat with her in like your eyes closed after you had big emotions at Christmas or something to that effect, and just said, I see you, I get you, I know why you're doing this. It's okay. I got you. You're allowed to feel. Have you done that with her?

Truth 28:19

Yes, that is that is a big part of it is like doing mirror talk when I have a mirror available, or just like sitting with myself. And then usually I'll also like hold myself both arms or like curl up in a ball or like go in a child's pose, something like that, some type of self-soothing, comforting um movement or action. I feel like is really helpful for me beyond just like the thoughts and the words, but actually like getting something physical helps it, helps me calm down and like helps it settle more.

Kristen 28:54

Yeah, yeah. Because the first thing I do is man, I go straight to little Kristen and I give her whatever she needs at that moment, whatever was missing in the past.

Truth 29:04

And just saying those things to myself that I always wanted to hear brings me a lot of comfort. Um, yeah, definitely. So I'll go ahead and jump down. I think my time is extended and up, but thank you so much.

Kristen 29:19

Oh, you're so welcome, Truth. Thank you so much for coming up and always being so honest and open and vulnerable and authentic. What came up intuitively, because I just listened to you guys and like really sink into what you're saying, intuitively, these three words came into my head. Just love her. Just love her. Just love her. So when she comes, when she when Miss Emotional or whatever you want to call her comes up, just love her. She's just emotional, just love her. Okay. I think I entered this forgiveness realm first forgiving others. That's where it started. Never thinking ever. Didn't even consider that there were places that I needed to extend that to myself until my tsunami hit, until I was reduced to the floor and decided I need to figure this out. When I did start applying self-forgiveness to myself, I felt like I had become unburdened, like I had been carrying a, you know, a lifetime of 50 wool blankets piled on my back and shoulders that I was walking through life with. And it was one by one these burdens were released from my shoulders to where I could, I felt like I could finally see clearly for the first time. All right, in this last remaining time, I want to spend a little time sharing with you my process of self-forgiveness. Now, I am a person, this may be different for you, that once I hear a truth and I grasp that truth and I feel the truth of that truth, that's it. I am going to implement it. Because if I've been living on lies and falsities of the ego for so long and it hasn't worked for me, for me, things that are of because remember, the ego is lies, the higher self is truth. One keeps you in bondage, the ego keeps you in bondage, and the the higher self sets you free. So once I learned that key distinction that I have two parts of my psyche, there's no in between, by the way, we're either in our higher self at any given time, that's our God self, or we're in our lower self, which is our ego, ego, and fearful self. Once I realize that I'm in one place or the other at any given time, I sought to be in my higher self as much as possible. So learning that certain things like self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others and other universal truths have a profound impact, I started to do it. I'm like, oh, if this is gonna work for me somehow, somehow I'm gonna do it. So here's how it looked for me. I went back through. I'm talking, I started as young as I could possibly remember anything that I did that was embarrassing, cringy, or I looked at, I was like, oh my God, that wasn't very nice, or whatever it was. Anything, any place that I was judging myself. And I said to myself, Did you do the best that you could at that time? Were you literally capable of anything else? The answer is always no. Because our default, everyone, is to do the best that we can. We're doing the best we can. That's a capital T truth. We don't go and decide, I'm gonna go be a dastardly villain today. Even the people who are the villains of the world, the evil people, I know this is hard to digest, and don't throw tomatoes at me, but they're doing the best that they can. They have literally been brain trained into that place for whatever their little the pot of stew that they experienced with their traumas and their dramas and their cultures and everything else that led up to that, mixed with their own personality, their own processing system. And this is what it led to. The only time this is not the case is when there is something genetically set in them. Like there is some mental health things that are genetically set, okay? But like narcissistic type people, people want to be like, oh yeah, well, guess what, you guys? This is how it looks for them. My point being that we're all doing the very best we can at the time. And I know that's hard to digest sometimes about yourself because you think after the fact, I shoulda, coulda, woulda. You start to judge, oh, I didn't do that right. If you knew to do it differently at that time, my beloveds, you would have done it differently. So why on earth are you holding yourself hostage to this idea that you're supposed to know everything all the time, andor that you're supposed to be perfect and infallible? Another capital T truth that resonated with me is we are imperfect beings, period. We're not supposed to be perfect. There's no part of this whole structure that says you came here to be perfect, you came here to learn and grow, and we can't learn and grow if we're perfect. How could we learn and grow if every single spelling test I ever took my whole life was cat, dog, run, dot, gym. I couldn't grow, right? We get challenged. That's how we grow. We are supposed to grow here. The whole job, the whole purpose here in my assessment, you might have a different idea in my assessment, is soul evolution, is soul growth. It's learning to love ourselves. That's how we soul grow. So the idea that we're supposed to be perfect and know it from the beginning and we should have done better, no, it's I could have done that differently, or I will do that differently now in the future. But I'm giving myself where I was at that moment so much grace. Because, like truth said, it's that piece of us that's wanting love, is typically what's driving the train. We're wanting approval, acceptance, love, attention, validation. That's the piece that's driving the train because we don't love ourselves yet. So we're doing things out in the world to get that innate need met. Unbeknownst to us, that the outside world can never fill that void. We are the only ones that can fill that void. Do you know how much pressure? I don't even know that I was applying pressure, but I'm assuming that I was, that came off of people in my world when I loved myself, because I wasn't beaten down their door to love me, to say it this way, to do it this way, to act this way. Because I started loving me, I started forgiving me. And I will say, through 15 years of this practice, and this practice happened fairly quickly because I trained my brain. Again, I didn't know I was doing that. I didn't know I was rewiring. But when I make a mistake now, it's immediate. I don't even have to go through the process anymore. I apologize if it's if it involves somebody else. I say, I'm sorry, my bad. I make amends, I validate their experience, but I don't judge me. Because I know that's just the way it looked right now. And think about this too, everyone. There could be times where in your past you've knocked it out of the park in certain areas, and then all of a sudden, one day, it feels like you backslid and you handled something poorly. Well, guess what? There's many variables involved. Did you have enough sleep? Are you nervous? Do you have an impending thing that's happening that's scaring you? Did someone just yell at you 20 minutes ago? There's things that happen. So even in that moment, you don't you can't say to yourself, Well, I used to be able to do this good, or you know, this happened before and I was fine with it. I did such a good job, but now I'm not. What's the contributing variables to the situation? There's a reason why that behavior showed up. So I want you guys to understand that we don't forgive ourselves because what we did was okay. And in no way, shape, or form are we condoning it, whether it's to others or to ourselves. Okay. We forgive ourselves because we deserve to be free, because we are worthy, and because this beautiful red Ferrari is waiting underneath the muck. We need your glory, we need your shine. Now more than ever, this world needs you. We need more love on this planet, you guys. Have you ever considered forgiving yourself? And that helps humanity. I know that's a wild one. But when you forgive yourself, you turn into a cleaner, clearer, more authentic, loving version of you. And then now that version is what shows up in the world. Maybe less road rage, maybe more smiles, maybe more giving, maybe more generous, maybe letting things go faster, maybe not attaching to every little thing someone says, maybe less drama. Do you see what I'm saying? Self-forgiveness cleans up hidden shame and it contributes to a better version of ourself, which then shows up into the world in a version that is more loving and serving to all humanity. Thank you for joining, Jennifer.

Jennifer 38:51

Hey, I picked up your talk part way through. So much of what you said just resonates deeply with my experience and forgiveness of self and making peace with ourselves. Because you're right, even though with my current set of glasses, the current set of lenses I wear, um, and have worn for a long time, I've had some cringy mistakes. And, you know, maybe worse than cringy in some parts. For me personally, the the hardest one took a year and a half to forgive. And that wasn't a year and a half ago. Darn it, working on it, really working on being a better person. But I am becoming, and it's a work in progress, so much more my authentic self. And if you would have told me 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago, that who I am today, what I do, what I get to do, and who I am, who I've become, I don't know that I would have believed it. Um I not because I I didn't think I was good enough, but that wasn't it wasn't part of my how I how I was every day, just how I how I yeah and how I get to be. Gosh, I just I my life feels so fulfilled that it's only getting better, and I know it's only going to get better with bumps here and there. But it never could have happened if I hadn't come to terms with my past. And you said it in a bit of a different way, you know, that we did we did the best we could at the moment. You keep repeating that. And this is the first time I've actually thought, you know what? You're right. Given the circumstances of my experience at that moment, even though I wanted to do better, I couldn't. That's right. Honestly, I couldn't, and I and I know that I couldn't, but this is the first time that I thought, you know, not only couldn't I have done better, I did the best I could. Yeah. And there's there's a difference in that. Yep. Anyway, it just hit me differently, Kristen. We're talking uh 18 years, like next month was was when I was able to forgive myself. And even after that, it's it's been a journey of growth and discovery, but it's so worth doing the work, and it's so worth listening to different people talk about it because from you I hear something slightly different. I just heard a different variation that really it just let me level up a bit. And thank you. You're welcome. Encourage people, keep listening, keep doing the work, because like you said, now you just it's it's instantaneous. And it's not quite instantaneous for me. And one of my you know, I did hear truth earlier, and occasionally I still yell, and I don't want to yell, and I don't like when I yell, and and then I think, geez, I you know, I know better. And yeah, I know better, but maybe at that moment with the the soup I was in, and it could be tired, it could be uh external stresses, you know, I reverted back because of that momentary circumstance. Absolutely, and yeah, it sucks, but I can make amends for it and keep going and forgive myself. Yep. But man, you your talk just gave me a different perspective. Um I'm so glad. And I'm so grateful.

Kristen 42:09

Yes, thank you so much, Jennifer. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That was awesome. You know, the part where Jennifer was saying that you did the very best you could at the time, that is the part that people rumble with the most. They're like, no, because their brain is now after the fact, the brain is saying that you could have you could have done differently. Well, could you have though? Because that's what you chose. And we're not gonna choose something that's gonna be harmful to us or to other people purposefully. Most people won't. You get what I'm saying? The majority of us, like I said, unless you're some psychopath or something, it's not gonna be the way. So, yes, that part right there, that's what people rubble with the most. And I think when you really, really sit with that, wrap your head around that, that that is as good as it looked in that moment. That's key. When she said it was instantaneous, what I'm talking about is the quantum forgiveness is instantaneous now. I do something bad, I don't go down some rabbit hole of cringe because I have trained myself to understand that I'm always doing the best that I can and to judge myself for the thing is only gonna hurt me. So I immediately apply, it's okay, that's just what it looked like right now. You're all right, everything is okay. Again, of course, with giving amends if I need to give amends. It wasn't that long ago I did something and I felt the most guilt I have felt in a long time. Long time. And I remember sitting there going, wow, I haven't felt this guilt or shame. It was shame. It was shame. And I was like, wow, I haven't felt this in a long time. And I said, Okay, this is weird. Almost excited about it in a way because I was like, this is a challenge. Because the little things that I do here and there, whatever, that was, those are fairly easy for me. But this one had a little different flair to it, had a little different salt and pepper to it. There's something about this thing that I was like, eh. But again, I applied the forgiveness. That's what it looked like, and I understood where the behavior came from, completely understood. Went around, didn't walk to little Kristen inside, secured her, told her we understood, told her everything's okay, and then forgave myself. And I think I had to do that twice. My point of telling you this is not to say, go me, you're so amazing, Kristen. No, I'm I work, you guys. I do the work. And again, this is 15 years later. So, and continual process. But what I'm saying to you, you can get to the place. This is purely possible. Like I mentioned, that guy earlier on this talk who said you can't shame him because he forgives himself almost delusionally. That's what he says. I don't call it that. Because delusion to me would mean like you're forgiving yourself delusionally. It means like it's you shouldn't be doing it. So I don't I don't like that terminology, but I get what he's saying, and he's getting the same outcome. And he said, You can't shame me because I've forgiven myself so much. I have given forgiven myself about everything. I went into my past, I wrote down all those pieces and parts, I looked at where I was at at that time, I understood. That's it. Forgiveness is synonymous with understanding and compassion. I understood, I gave myself love, and I dropped it. Okay. I didn't pick it back up again and carry it some more. If it came up again, I did the same thing. That's the layer part of this. And again, this can look different for everybody. This is you take the best, you apply what works for you, and you keep going. I just share my parts because this is what worked for me, this is what how I did it, maybe different for you. That's okay. But the key is self-forgiveness. So, however, you want to work on this for yourself is what matters. It's that you do do it, is that you do work on it because you are gonna set yourself free. Go forgive yourself, you guys. Go check it out for yourself, go see, report back to me. Nothing bad can happen, and that I can stand on. Self-forgiveness, nothing bad can happen. It doesn't hurt anybody, it only heals. So remember, self-forgiveness is not about excusing the past, it's about releasing yourself from the chains, from the bondage that there is something wrong with you. You're not behind, you're not too late, you're learning, you're gribe, you're growing, you were likely in survival mode at that time, and now, as a grown adult, you get to choose something different. So I invite you, everyone, to soften into yourself. Meet yourself with compassion, meet yourself with forgiveness and with understanding for those moments that you replay in your life from your own behavior, not that any that was handed to you, not judgments that were handed to you. Replay in your own life those moments, and you forgive yourself. You understand, you give yourself compassion. Okay, forgiveness sets you free. Self-forgiveness sets you free. For those of you who are new here, please feel free to click on my profile picture, click where it says my link tree. I've got tons of free resources over there. I have the link to my book, The Recovering People Pleasing Pleaser. There's coaching opportunities for Noom Vibers. If you would like to have a one-on-one clarity session with me, use the discount code VibersRock, V-I-B-E-R-S-R-O-C-K. And I believe that gives you 45% off, could be 40%. I don't know, 40 to 45% off. I don't remember which one I did and for one-on-one coaching sessions with me. And you can use that discount code as often as you like and as long as I am offering it. Also, a reminder that I just ordered a bunch of physical copies of my book, and I am going to be sending out signed copies for anybody who would like to purchase one. I don't have that up on my website yet. Eventually I will do that. But you can email me at hello at kristenbrown.org and say you're interested in a signed copy as long as you are within the United States, because otherwise the shipping gets way too crazy. So within the United States, I'd be happy to send you a signed copy. Download some free resources, take the self-love quiz, take the people-pleasing quiz, grab the book if you're interested. I also have self-love merch and I just added a couple more pieces. So go check those out. Those are not on my website yet. Haven't had the time to upload them, but I I created a Coexist shirt because I love Coexist. I have that bumper sticker on the back of my car, and I created a t-shirt with Coexist. So I'm actually going to be buying myself one of those because I love it so much. Thanks for listening, everybody. I will be back again tomorrow. Much love to all of you. And remember, as always, you matter. Now go love yourself.