The REAL Reason They Didn't Fight For You

It is incredibly painful and confusing when someone doesn't fight for you and the relationship. This pain is often turned inward.
You replay conversations. You question your worth. You wonder why they didn’t choose you, try harder, or show up when it mattered. Especially when you were so willing to do whatever it took to fix what wasn't working.

If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why wasn’t I worth fighting for?” this video is for you.

In this video, we unpack the deeper truth behind why someone doesn’t fight for a relationship and why it almost never means you weren’t enough. People don’t walk away because your value was lacking. They walk away because staying would require emotional growth, accountability, vulnerability, and self-examination they’re not prepared to face.

You’ll learn how avoidance in relationships can look like indifference, how emotional unavailability contributes, and why some people would rather lose connection than confront themselves. We’ll talk about fear of intimacy, emotional immaturity, unhealed wounds, and why accountability can feel more threatening than loss. Click play to understand what was really happening behind the scenes.

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Transcript

Opening & Inspiration

Kristen 0:00

I have somebody, actually a couple of somebody in my life who are experiencing a breakup. And one of the questions that both of them keep asking is like, why wasn't I worth it? Why wasn't I valuable enough? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? And this really got me thinking today. And I thought, you know, there's so many people out there who are either experiencing this real time right now, like they're going through some type of breakup. And it could be even not necessarily in the romantic sense. It could be in the sense of family members not fighting for you, parents, whatever it might be, where you're just kind of sitting there like, why don't I matter? Why isn't this person putting in the effort? Especially if you are someone who has put in the effort and has really tried to see things through a different perspective. You have tried to grow yourself. You have tried to show up in different ways. You've researched, you've watched YouTube, you've listened to talks, you're trying to find a way through this. And then it just appears as though your person throws you in the garbage can and you're like, what the? Why didn't I matter? It's one of the first things that we do when we feel like we've been discarded, is we ask ourselves, why wasn't I worth it? And it can be a direct hit on our self-worth. So with that being said, when there's two or more people who have coming to me with a similar theme, I feel like there's so many more people out there in the world that are having the same experience or the same questions or the same struggle or their suffering in a particular area. So, like I said, whether this is something that is real time for you now or it is something that could have happened 10 years ago, we can still be carrying around the same thoughts about particular situations if we haven't healed them yet, if we haven't found a perception that actually feels good, that actually clicks for us and that makes sense. Actually, when I was formulating this talk, I said, you know, I know a lot of my current listeners, and I'm thinking, you know, a lot of them may not resonate this with this right now in real time for whatever reason, either they're single or they are married. But there could be still some places in you that have this feeling inside of you, like, why wasn't I worth it? Why wasn't I worth it? I don't understand. Or it could be in a workplace where you were looked over and not promoted for a job. Or it just seemed like no matter how hard you worked, no matter how hard you knocked it out of the park, with your A plus performance, your leadership, everything you turned in was on time, but yet you were often overlooked. These are areas that we can really start to look within and question our worth and wonder, especially if our worth is shaky. Because when we get to the place where we know our self-worth, we really truly know it like viscerally 100%. We are connected to our true worth. We don't question it. We know that it's not about us. But when our worth is not quite a full cup, maybe it's getting there, or maybe it's really super low. One of the telltale signs is that we're going to think that somebody else doesn't see us as worthy. And I understand this completely because we are someone that fight for people, aren't we? We're someone who fights for relationships. We're someone who loves fully and we want to show up in that way and do whatever it takes to have a happy, healthy relationship in whatever form. Like I said, this could be with a parent, this could be with a friend, this could be with a romantic partner. And the first place we go is we start thinking that we're not enough because we are someone that would fight. And I can tell you, I've got a saloo. I have got a pile of former relationships, romantic and friendships where I was not fought for. But I did the fighting. I was there showing up, asking the questions, talking, trying to work things out, trying to get to the truth, talking with my whole heart, being vulnerable, being open, all the things that I know that help, that move the needle in relationships. And it didn't happen back to me. And it was painful. It was extremely painful because I'm like, what? I can't be a better friend. I can't be a better girlfriend or wife. I don't understand. Like I'm showing up and doing all the things that I know in my soul, not just in my head, but in my soul and in my intuition and in my inner knowing that creates healthy. So why is this not doing anything? And I learned a few things, and these things make perfect sense to me. And even though the pain sometimes is still there, like every once in a while, not really so much anymore, but every once in a while, if I go down that rabbit hole, I'll be like, damn, you gave up someone great. You gave up someone who would always have your back, someone that stays, someone that's loyal, someone that would fight for you, someone that would be here and show up for all the hard times. And you gave that up. So every once in a while that resurfaces, but it not so much anymore because I've I know what I know now. And that's what I want to bring to you all today. Because when someone doesn't fight for the relationship, the first thing we ask ourselves is, why wasn't I worth fighting for? And so my goal today on this talk, whether it reaches one person, I'm gonna ask you guys to vulnerably and openly send up some emojis or back channel me. If you have asked yourself that question, why was I not worth fighting for? I have. Like I said many, many times. Or why wasn't I good enough? Or what did I do wrong? Yes, I see y'all. It's a very, very common thing for us to ask this question. And we really want to personalize it. Like I said, oftentimes this is at its height, it is at its most suffering, it is at its most painful when we don't have a full worthiness cup. That's going to be the reflection back to us because we don't think we were worth fighting for on some level. We're going to project that out into other persons, other people. And that's where the question comes. Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Yep, Melissa said on the back channel too. I definitely asked myself that question with regard to someone who I dated. Yeah. Yes. And I see all of you who have sent up your emojis. Very common, isn't it, everyone? Because we're not that different. Someone just messaged on the back channel and said, going through it now with what's left of my immediate family. Yeah, it's completely understandable. Completely understandable. So I want to interrupt this mindset. I want to offer you all a new perspective that can change things, that can release some of this pain and some of this suffering for you. And this is not to dismiss the pain or to avoid the pain or any of those type of things. But I can tell you right now to sit and wallow in it and to ruminate in it and to roll around in it is just going to create more suffering. And the way we move ourselves out of suffering is to bring in a different perspective, something that's more true than the one that we're believing. Because when we sit in that old belief system and we just keep thinking the same things, we're going to feel the same things. And that emotion is going to create more of the like thoughts, and then we're going to create more of that emotion and we're going to downward spiral. And I'm not about downward spiraling anymore. Done enough of that in my life. And once I discovered a different thing, something else that I could experience, I was like, oh, this is a choice. Because there's always a newer, more true thought than the one that we are believing. But again, I'm going to return you back to the idea that your level of self-worth contributes to this. If you have a low level of self-worth, it's going to be extremely painful for you. If you have some unhealed wounds, and I'm just talking straight here, you guys, because I know I could feel it. One of you just cringed really hard. Like you don't want this to be about you. I know that. Many of us don't. We want to point out there, we want to make other people wrong, because it just feels more comfortable than going within. But guess what? That's one of the reasons why this person isn't fighting for you. Because many people fail to fight for us. It's not because they didn't love us, although sometimes that can be. Someone may have just connected with us out of comfort on some level. But even still, if they did that, that's still not about your worth. And that's what I want you all to understand. This is always, always, always about the other person, unless you did something crappy. We have to disclaim that. Unless you've been a liar, a cheater, chronically negative or dramatic, or just super jealous, or, you know, there's a problem in some area like that with you. Of course, eventually people get worn out from those types of behaviors and they might leave. But still, that's about your wounds. It's not about your worth. And I want to make that radically clear. Our wounds contribute to us showing up in particular ways. It contributes to our behavior. Full stop. There's no question about it. The way we act, the way we think, the way we show up, the words we choose, the actions we choose, the behavior we choose is all going through the filter of our wounds. It's super important to understand that. It's not about your true innate worth. You are worthy. Period. You are worthy because you're here. There's no question about that. And I know that's hard to sink in for some of you. I can feel that resistance right now where someone said, nope, I don't believe that. I get it. I've been in all your places. I get it. But it's true. There's no one on this planet. We're all created equal. We all come from the same source. We're all going to return back to the same source. Regardless of our how how much income we make, whether we were rich or we were underprivileged, whether we lived on the north side of the town or the south side of the town, whether we have light skin or dark skin, whether we're tall, short, heavy set, super skinny, none of that matters. That's all superficial stuff that's in the material world, the end. Has nothing to do with your innate worth. You're a soul at your core. And that's what makes you worthy. And it's something too that even when I get upset with somebody, someone's done something really crappy in my life, I remember they're a soul. And I remember they're on a journey. And that's one of the perspective shifts that I have. But in circling back to the wounds that you have that are contributing to your behaviors, this is equally true for the person who didn't want to fight for you, who didn't likely have the capacity to fight for you, who maybe didn't even know how. I know that sounds weird, and some of you might resist that, but I want you to open your heart and your mind. I want you to take a deep breath, lean back into your chair, whatever you are sitting on right now. Maybe you're walking, just take a minute and pause and just sink into that. Maybe they didn't know how. Maybe they didn't have the capacity. And how does that happen? That happens when they have been functioning from the same level of thinking and programming and conditioning that they always have. So you come in and you start to kind of interrupt that pattern a little bit. You start to require more from them. You start to speak up about your needs. You start to question them about things in their past. When someone is doing the same things that they've always done, and that we come in as this light that is shining on their cobwebs, this doesn't mean that the love they felt for you in the beginning and that they fell in love with you with and the chemistry and the connection and the laughing and all that, that doesn't negate all of that. I need you to hear me today. That was there. That was real. But then when the relationship started to, and hopefully all relationships will start to naturally evolve through conversations, maybe through a boundary, maybe through a hey, why did you say that or do that? Or that hurt my feelings, or what's going on over here, or you seem distant. You know, any of those things that we might bring to the person, one of the things that can happen is this this can activate fear. Intimacy can activate fear, and they don't know how to face it. They literally don't know how. And to step outside of that comfort zone, to step outside of their programming and their habits and patterns and the way it's they've always been, it can feel to them, shockingly, like there's something wrong with you. Maybe they had a bunch of people in their life that enabled them, maybe they had a bunch of people in their life who never questioned them. And then here you come in wanting growth, wanting a beautiful relationship, and it's scaring the heck out of them. This means that accountability can feel threatening. And why is accountability threatening when a person has a low level of self-worth, when a person has hidden shame and wounds that they have not healed. So they choose to move away from you rather than move towards you. And then we're over here going, Where are you going? I love you. I'm trying to make this work, I'm trying to have this conversation with you, and you're moving the opposite direction. And then they call you things like needy or clingy or you're too much, or you're this or you're that, and you're over here confused because all of the things that you have brought up, all of the ways that you have tried to connect are because you love them and you want to move towards them, but yet they move the other way because they can't be accountable, they don't want to be accountable. I had a relationship still to this day, cracks me up, where gosh, I always wonder how much, how much, how many details I should share with this. I guess this is okay. This was my tsunami ex, who was all of the dastardly things: substance abuser, cheater, liar, physically abusive at times, disconnected, wouldn't take accountability, all of these things. And when he he abandoned our daughter for seven years, completely 100% with no contact at all, his choice. And when he came back in, at some point, you guys, this is not exactly in linear, but at some point in the right way, I said to him, you know, you owe me an apology. Now I just meant you owe me an apology for leaving me broke and homeless with three kids, for abandoning your child and leaving all the responsibility up to me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Those type of things. You know what his his response was? Oh, we would have never made it. What? No, you didn't owe me a responsibility or an apology for leaving. It's how you left and what you did. Do you see what I'm saying? But you see how his little narcissistic mind thought it meant that I wanted to still be with him? No, you didn't take any accountability for the destruction that you left. Zero accountability. Because bro can't take accountability. And still to this day has been back in my daughter's life, you know, through my help and guidance, I actually on both sides, because I I send him things too that I'm like, hey, here's how you got to work this situation here. Yeah, you know, because I I want her to have a relationship with her father. It's important. But through all of this, not me or to her. He has never once said, I'm sorry for not being in your life for seven years. No accountability. Zero. So do you think someone who can't take about accountability for the destruction that they're causing is ever going to fight for someone? They can't, because they're missing the first thing, the very first required thing, which is ownership. I have a friend who bailed on me too at one point. Long story won't something she was going through, and then I was bringing new perspectives to it because her husband did something to her, but then actually her husband cheated on her and she blew her mind, made her crazy. But she had cheated on him for five years, five years prior to that. And so at one point I said, well, maybe you can kind of understand, because you know, you had this thing over here. Oh, she was acting like she never even did her thing. Oh, she was mad at me for saying that. I'm trying to help. But guess what? No accountability. There was not one word of, yeah, you know, how can I be so mad at him? I did the same thing, and I did it for longer. For very, very good. Like, this is a person I could say this stuff to. We talked so openly about these things. Nope. Didn't want to take accountability. So anytime that accountability was required, or even just a little bit of acknowledgement, nope, and she she bailed. She bailed out of the relationship. It's too much, again, too much light. So who relates to this? Who feels like in one of your relationships there, you're like, gosh, they didn't fight for me? Who can relate to the fact that they they were not accountable? That they did not take responsibility for their piece of the equation. Okay, good. And I hope this helps. Does this make you think for a second, like, yeah, this wasn't about fighting for me? This was an immature person. Yeah, I see you guys all relating. Yeah, Steven said, um, yeah, I knew you, Stephen, I knew when I gave this talk. I'm like, Steven's gonna relate to this big time. This is an unhealed, emotionally immature person that you're dealing with. So for us to bank our worth on that, do you see the ridiculousness, you guys? It doesn't make sense, does it? Now, we can change it to something like, I wish they would have been more healed or more willing because I really loved them. Makes sense, right? But does that feel more empowered than why didn't they fight for me? Why wasn't I worth it? Why don't they love me? Do you see how that doesn't really it just it feels it feels painful? I wish they were willing to heal. I wish they were willing to grow. I wish they were willing to be accountable. All right, I haven't I have Sandy coming up.

Sandy 19:41

Absolutely. I totally relate to what you're saying, and you know, it's very difficult to give so much to someone and then have them just say, I'm done. Yeah. Right? It's very difficult, and it's devastating when you lose a friend who did this. I had one specific where um we were friends for many, many years, and her new husband didn't like me. And she just like it was like, but I was the one who was there for you for over 10 years. Like I don't understand how you can not that I wanted her to choose, but I wanted her to have a separate relationship with me. I don't have to be around him, right? But she couldn't do that. Yeah, it was like a divorce. Like I felt devastated.

Kristen 20:41

Do you see it differently now? Because it's been a while. Do you see why she wasn't able to do that? Do you see her unhealedness or her neediness or her, you know, something to that effect that made it why she just could not do that?

Sandy 20:57

I do give her that space for all of that, but in some ways I'm still hurt by it. Of course. You know, yeah, I'm still hurt by it. And when I I hear myself speak, I can hear it in my voice.

Kristen 21:12

Yeah. And it's perfectly understandable. Yeah.

Sandy 21:16

Yeah, it hurts. Yep. And we have those things in our lives that happen. Then something, you know, a couple of years later, something else happens. And it's part of life, I guess. You kind of try to flow with it, but a lot of times you just can't. It really derails you.

Kristen 21:34

Well, from my experience, when this has happened to me in a very, very similar way, a little different, but kind of the same idea. I had to really look at her. And I had to see how, and I'm saying, I'm saying this with love, but how weak she really was. Right. And how she she traded in my strength for her husband's. And that was it. Like she just she. Just literally jumped out of my ship and jumped into his and and off she went. Yeah. It was it was very strange, but I had to look at it through that lens to go, wow. I was I was requiring or wanting something from her that she literally doesn't have. Yeah.

Sandy 22:15

Yep. That helps. That helps. And I mean, I'm telling you, it's been over 10 years.

Kristen 22:21

Oh, I know. Trust me. I got I got similar stories, sis. I get it. Yeah. Yeah.

Sandy 22:26

Yeah. So I really appreciated hearing this today.

Kristen 22:30

Well, good, Sandy. And is this your first time on my stage?

Sandy 22:34

I think I think it's my second. I'm not a hundred percent, but I think it's my second.

Kristen 22:39

Okay, okay. Yeah, I hope this was a little bit helpful because that's my whole point is it it can feel so devastating when these things happen and we can carry them for a really long time. And I have myself, Sandy. Yeah. And when I really, and then I realized I was carrying this for so long with certain things, and I thought, you know, I don't want to carry this anymore. I don't want any sort of this feeling in my heart. I want to have a pure heart. So I started to look for new perspectives that made sense to me that allowed me to at least see it a little more clearly. Doesn't mean I don't miss the person and wish that it was the way it was, but I see it through a clearer lens.

Sandy 23:19

I can appreciate that. I really can. And I appreciate you and thank you for having me on your show. Thank you, Sandy. Thank you. Happy New Year, sister. Same to you. Take care. Bye-bye.

Reason Four: Easier to be alone than face their true self

You've always been worth fighting for

Mourning them or the dream

Guest Two: Steven

Kristen 23:32

Okay, bye-bye. Oh, so glad that she came up. Thank you so much. Let's see. Jeanette said on the back channel, when I tried to hold my husband accountable, my ex-husband, he would find it too painful as if I was betraying him by talking about it instead of ignoring it. That I was being unsupportive. That is so true. I'm gonna read that again. When I tried to hold my ex-husband accountable, he would find it too painful as if I was betraying him by talking about it instead of ignoring it that I was being unsupportive. Yep. I had a hair client once who she was struggling with her husband, and and we talked about all things, talking about it, doing this and that. She goes, I try, and all he does is cry. She said, All he does is cry. And they were probably in their 60s. At that point, I was probably in my 40s. She said, I can't, like, it doesn't go anywhere. It literally doesn't go anywhere. He just cries. Well, and what that was an indicator of was some very, very deep wounds and some hidden shame. And so her bringing it up to him was too painful for him to even move past because he was obviously had some trauma in his past that had embedded, embedded inside of him. And any probably mention of something to do with what he could do better or something was a direct hit to him. Like it was literally a knife in the heart to him. So this is what why I want to have this conversation with you guys today, because these people who are are going through these breakups that I mentioned at the beginning of this talk, two people right now, and they're both like shaking their heads and scratching their heads and looking at me with these wide eyes, like I don't get it. And these are two stellar human beings. Two people that I love and honor and cherish in my life, just stellar human beings. They're men, actually. They're men. They don't get it, and they could not have shown up better. They literally could not have shown up better. And this is what's happening, and it's befuddling to them. And I thought, you know, this is worth it for me to come on because somebody else needs to hear it. Like I said, whether it's in a friendship capacity or romantic relationship capacity, whatever it is, me helping you to maybe see this just a little differently, just a little differently, doesn't mean you're not gonna miss them. There are some people in my life that I my God, I'm like, wow, we we had the best friendships. Like the best friendships. We clicked and we knew each other well, and then they're gone. What? One of them was was hitting on my husband. What? You know what I mean? It's just this tough. And we why I could say, why didn't she love me enough not to bypass my husband? Because she had some wounds. She had some empty voids in her and she wanted to fill them. And that wounding can make us do some really heinous things. So I've also noticed that sometimes here's another reason why people don't fight for you, is because it can be easier for them to be alone than to face their true selves. I want you to think about this. Now, this is where it gets hard because for you, it's easy for you to face your true self. It's easy for you to look at, take accountability, go into your wounds, you know, all of these type of things. So you you don't get it because you're gonna project you onto them, and this is key, everyone. Because it wasn't isn't that big of a deal for you. You're gonna project that that it's not why isn't it a big deal for them? Then you're gonna see this through that lens that this should be a it should not be a big deal for them, but you're not in their head, you're not in their heart, you don't have your their DNA, you've not had their experiences, you don't see life through the lens that they see life through. And I know some people who just love, love, love. Oh, they love being alone, they love their independence, they love it, and then they get into a relationship with amazing people. One of the people that I'm that inspired this conversation, and they love this person. Oh my God, greatest thing in the world, but will not take accountability. And what do they do? They resort back to being alone every time. I just want to live by myself, I just want to be independent, I just want to this, I just wanted that. The behaviors, the energy, the feeling, the chemistry, all of that is there. It's undeniable, but that's what their resort is. How does it not leave the other person, person A, who's working and fighting, thinking, you you feel what we have. You know what we have. This isn't like what we can't wrap our head around it because it's not us. We're not in their shoes. Walk a mile in someone's shoes. That old statement, I don't remember it exactly, but you know, you walk it, walk a mile in someone's shoes to understand where they're coming from. That's like imprinted on my brain. I don't know where people are coming from. I wasn't in their shoes. I don't know. I didn't have their same experiences. Even siblings within the same household didn't have the same experiences with their parents. They could even be different genders, could have different experiences. But people oftentimes will leave because it's easier to be alone than to face their inner demons. Their habits and their patterned way of living, the familiarity, the comfort zone feels more safe than looking within and seeing themselves, or owning their fears, or recognizing and taking responsibility for their dysfunctional behavior. I know this sounds crazy. I know it can for some of you that are hearing this for the first time. But I promise you, this is what's going on. It has nothing to do with your worth. You've always been worth fighting for, but you're asking the wrong person to fight for you. You know, it's funny, my my husband now, you know, we have an amazing relationship. We fought for it, we've worked for this. But his ex just basically threw him in a trash can, just like mine did. We found each other in the same dumpster on 57th Avenue in Grand. I'm joking. Okay. Hey, what are you doing here? I was throwing in the trash. So was I. I remember saying to him one day, she has no idea what she threw away. And she really doesn't. She really doesn't. If she could look at him now, where he's at, what he's doing, look at us, look at all these things, she she she might be flabbergasted. But I don't pick on her about this because that's where she was at at the time. She didn't know how to work through things, she didn't know how to speak up, she didn't know how to making him accountable or sharing her feelings, or and he didn't know how to do the same either. She was the one that broke up, so of course she felt discarded. Luckily for me, with my tsunami ex, I never felt that way. I don't know. It's just probably I've been a lifelong doer of the work, so to speak. I knew it wasn't me. I knew it wasn't me. I can't keep I can't keep saying I knew it was, I knew. I never mourned him. I mourned the dream of us. When he left, I was like, see ya, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way back out. You know, it was like you're a mess. I can't with this anymore. Thank you for being strong enough to do this, because I certainly wasn't. But it was the dream. It was a dream that I had to mourn. And that took about three weeks. I know that sounds ridiculous. On the 21st day, I woke up and I was like, oh, I feel great. I did. I felt like I was back to normal pre-meeting him, which was great. But we must understand there's so much more going on here than what's meets the eye. And we often project who we are onto them. But this can look different for different people, and that's what we have to understand. And I think this is why this is one of the benefits of YouTube and social media now, which I always say take lightly, because there's no one size fits all. Take it with a grain of salt, but just take in the information that you're reading, especially about attachment styles. That's there's a lot of great information about attachment styles. And here's what's interesting because I've looked a lot through attachment styles. I don't, I'm not someone who talks a lot about them because I talk about wounded, walking wounded, and I talk about on the healing path. Period. You're either wounded, walking around, seeing everything through that lens, or you're on the healing path. There's no two ways without it. There's not kind of sort of in between, or completely, absolutely 100% healed. Maybe there is, but I haven't seen that yet. I always see there's like works in progress. But my point is that I don't label it all of these different things, but I like that there are people that are doing that because it's very, very helpful to people to go, wow, I'm with an anxious avoidant, or I'm with a dismissive avoidant. So to check out those because it may make sense to you why the person is doing the things they're doing, and it can make it less personal. And I think that's so incredibly important for you to understand that it's not about you. Steven, welcome up.

Steven 32:55

Of course, you end with that line. God, that's so hard.

Kristen 33:01

I know it can be if we let it be.

Steven 33:04

Yeah, well, when you're ignorant about all this stuff, it will be. Because when you're just sitting there going, well, what's wrong? And it has to be about me, because YouTube and society and everybody else will tell you it's about you, especially that stupid thing, happy wife, happy life. I'm like, Well, yeah, you can fall into that trap. So you're gonna love this. I think one of the last times I talked with my ex, one of the things that she really resented was me thinking there was something wrong with her that she was broken somehow.

Kristen 33:43

Yeah.

Steven 33:44

I mean, uh gosh, I don't know. You're on these serious anxiety meds, and then one more brick gets added into your knapsack and you spin out beyond belief, and the best way to deal with that is to move out. Cool. I see that medication's working well.

Kristen 34:00

Well, and you know, all those things are indicators. They're indicators like the OCD and things like that. They're they're indicators of, and of course, we don't know this at the time, and neither do they, and that's where the ignorance and the naivete comes in, but they're indicators that there's something going on in the internal world, and we're trying to control.

Steven 34:22

And just that whole idea of not being, I mean, I remember when the one pastor committed suicide and we dropped out of church, it's like the whole it became a really good excuse not to have to, because I'm like, well, there's all these small groups and there's some of these couple things, and they're like, nope, don't want to air my stuff to anybody at all. And I'm like, okay, where's the fear? Now I can see where's the fear coming from there, because you have said it's either we either come from love and kindness or we come from fear. It's one of the two. But I'm just gonna leave all that right there because uh that's a that's a previous chapter, but I I remember a friend that uh I got in the summer of 2017, and then after a while, he's after uh COVID, he's like, Well, you've changed, and I'm like, Well, God, we've known each other for three years. Did you expect me to stay stagnant? Did you expect me not to heal? Did you you met me when I was separated going through a divorce? Did you expect me to stay that uh quivering little person looking for acceptance? Seriously, that's what you wanted?

Kristen 35:30

Did you say it a negative way, Stephen, or a positive way?

Steven 35:34

Uh, we were talking about different things, and he just looks over and he goes, You've changed. Just like that.

Kristen 35:40

It seems like condescending.

Steven 35:42

Yeah, it was.

Kristen 35:43

Or disapproving? Okay.

Steven 35:45

Oh, it was. I I had just gained more knowledge. I'm like, okay, I see what I am to you, quote unquote. I'm your drinking buddy, and you hate it that I'm cutting back and that I'm doing he he was spinning out a lot. I mean, he was a a salesman that went into the office all the time, and when COVID hit and he had to work from home and did not have contact, that wasn't good. Yep. Because I go up there to eat lunch with him at a grocery store, and he's just you could just see it in him. He's just kind of moving fast, and it's like almost like he's I'm like, what's going on? What's happening? That was one of those things. I'm like, yeah, this ain't got nothing to do about me. This has got completely to do about you. But those whole things I wrote down things. I I wish they would be willing to heal. I wish they would be willing to grow. I I wish they would be willing to look in the mirror. I wish they'd be willing to just freaking listen and be, oh, that's BS. But you can't change everybody else. At times I do go wandering into these different rooms and different places. My uh brain goes, hmm. So who are the seekers here? I want to know.

You've stopped the addiction but they haven't

Guest Three: Robin

Kristen 37:10

Mm-hmm. Yep. Steven, thank you so much for coming up. Yes, I understand that completely. And it's interesting what he said, y'all, when like when somebody, uh let's say you have drinking buddies or weed smoking buddies, or you know, any someone that you do something with on the regular and then you stop doing it, huge problem. Because all of a sudden they don't want to hang out with you anymore. And you're like, wait a minute, like I like you, regardless what we're doing. I don't care if we drink or smoke. I don't do either, but I'm just saying I don't care if we drink or we smoke or we do whatever, I want to hang out with you. And they're like, Yeah, they're just not interested anymore. And oftentimes we can be like, what the heck happened? Is this about me? This isn't about you. I want to tell you why it's not about you. When somebody leaves your life because you no longer drink with them or smoke with them or whatever it is with them, it's because they are threatened and challenged by the fact that you've quit. And now this is shining a light on their internal judgment that they're still doing it. They don't like that. So they just kind of move away from you because they don't like how they feel when they're around you. Even if you don't say anything, even if you're not like, bro, you should quit drinking and smoking weed too. Even if you don't say that, they don't like the way they feel around you because they are judging themselves, and now you're a beacon shining on them. That can feel crappy, right? That can make us feel like there's something wrong with her. So why didn't you like me? Again, we're dealing with an unhealed person. Robin, welcome.

Robin 38:56

Hey, um, so thinking about this, something that you said. You said, you know, it's you kept saying it's not you, it's not you. So somebody might need to hear this because when you you can hear that over and over again, but when somebody is continually telling you, oh, it's you, it was you, it was your fault, it was your fault, it's that whole gaslighting thing, thing that you've you know deflecting, yep thing, and and and just oh no, it was your fault. But you know what? For me, the re the way that I kind of got through it is because even though you in the beginning talked about how you may not be completely there where you know you're worth it, you know your worth. Um, you're still working on it. That's okay. There's a strength behind you still to say, ha ha ha. So it's almost like I am one of those matter-of-fact people. So keep telling me all you wanna that you think it's my fault. I'm gonna keep on challenging you and reminding you, I'm gonna be that person that says, okay, this that's what you think. You keep going right ahead, but you know it's not me. So cut the BS. So I'm actually pretty darn um forthright about it. So even though it's it hurt in the very beginning because I did I went through that whole period of, you know, what did I do? What did I do? What did I do? I was perfect, I did everything, I went out of my way. I people pleased to the hilt, you know, not just for one person, but for you know, many different people that were in my life. Eventually you get to that point where you go, you know what? It wasn't me. Now that I look at that, or you say this, Kristen, right? You say, Yes, I own it. There was a part of me that did this. I recognized what I did um in that relationship. I owned it. I said my apologies. I taught when I talked to that person, I own that, but I don't own everything. And I think that's the piece that people might need to hear that you're you're gonna be in certain stages with this. And you know, when reading your book, it gives me a lot of insight. Like I said, I keep going back and reading pieces of it so I can read, you know, get it into my head and and think about that. So, you know, it's like one of those I want to go around wearing a shirt. What would Kristen do? What would KB do? Um so it's it's it's nice to have that as a good source of reference, the knowledge base, not only that it's it's some research and and information behind it, but it's a personal experience. And I think we're all relate to people's personal experiences a lot better. Um you don't necessarily need someone who's never gone through it telling you how to go through it.

Kristen 41:57

No, I I I wouldn't listen to that person. I need someone who's been there right.

Robin 42:03

And you're and you're not just telling us, you're saying, here, this is what I went through, this this is what I learned. And what's my one of my lines? How you choose to use that information is entirely up to you.

Kristen 42:15

Yeah.

Robin 42:16

So that's my thing from that. My one of my favorite 80s movies that we talked about overboard. So um, yeah, we'll make it through.

Kristen 42:25

So here's the thing, too, Robin. Sometimes my ownership, and I had to look at it this way, because when I had those people blaming me and pointing at me and trying to make it me. By the way, uh Steven said on the back channel, he said this, prove it's my fault. So that's something that we can think about to you all, is that we can say, Okay, well, and I've done this. I'm like, okay, well, tell me what I did wrong. Show me, like, show me where this is uncool or disrespectful or whatever. And it never was because they were trying to put the same kind of dysfunction or disrespect that they were doing onto me, which was clearly not happening. But where I had to take responsibility was the not speaking up, the walking on eggshells, the accepting the unacceptable, the not holding my boundaries. So there was my part there, but it wasn't in the way that they were trying to make it be. And that's where I had to get really clear is I'm not doing any of those things they're saying, but I'm certainly doing these.

Robin 43:27

Exactly. To speak real quick to Steven's point, Robin, there's no one in the queue.

Kristen 43:32

Yeah, come back up. Okay, we're gonna bring Robin back up again.

Robin 43:35

Well, you know how when you're trying to say, Well, you did this, and and this is you know how you made me feel and all that, I would always get the response, how so? And then you start to get a little confused in your mind, and you try to, you know, make it come out in such an organized way. Oh, you you cheated on me. So what so? Yeah, how how so? Well, uh, you were kind of with me, and then all of a sudden you were with so-and-so. What do you mean we weren't together? Yeah, we were together. No, we weren't together. I go, so you literally go in your mind, you get you get confused, and you and you start thinking, is it just me wishing we were together? Is it wish? No, no, we live together, we're intimate together, we were living like a you know, and that kind of thing. And how so? And it was a lot of things. How so?

When they act dumb

Kristen 44:36

No, you know what? I just is bringing something up for me. I I'm curious, you guys, send up the emojis if you relate. The acting dumb. Yeah. Has anybody dealt with the acting dumb? Like, I am really can't I've had people relationships, romantic ones, look at me like they're so confused. Look at that. There's they just are so confused. Yeah, they don't get it. And well, how did I well, how did I cheat on you? But did they not really get it?

Robin 45:05

Or are they just deflecting? They just are deflecting, or they really don't get it. They think that everything they do is uh acceptable and and within their margin of ability.

Kristen 45:17

There's that, and there is acting dumb has worked for me in the past. So I'm gonna pull that out. So this how so that's worked for him.

Robin 45:27

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's worked for him.

Kristen 45:29

So he's he's just still Oh yeah, he's just pulling it out because it works. Yep.

Robin 45:33

But I call him out. See, you know, the the one of the reasons I think for me and and him, it's it's the hardest thing is because I call him out on his BS. And he didn't like he doesn't like that. He would rather somebody just walk around on eggshells. Yes, I called him out on his BS because I found the inner strength to say, you're so full of that, stop. And I'm like, okay, whatever, whatever you think. All right, yep. And you know what? And feeling okay with that, and feeling okay with him saying, Oh, no, no, I'm calling BS, you know, all right. And I'm like, okay, all right, explain it to me. I don't have to explain to you, you just remember yourself. So I stepped out of that by just saying, I'm not gonna sit here and and explain it to you like you're a child. You know what you did. You know how you did it, you know what you said.

Kristen 46:27

And I think that I've explained it like a child, and I've explained it at nauseum until I finally said, I finally said to myself, they're not this dumb. I had to break it down like they're not this dumb because I watch them with other people and I watch them do this. Is a choice. I've had to get that down in elementary level. They are choosing to act this way to me. They know right and wrong.

Robin 46:52

And do when you watch them with other people and you look and you go, it's almost a reassurance to you that it's not entirely your fault. Oh no, you know, being I I know I'm worth fighting for, I know I am good, good and I know that I have a lot to bring to the table. I, you know, am I perfect? No, but I will also stand on my laurels. I know I have some good qualities and I do bring a lot. Am I can I be bossy and picky and sure, heck yeah. Yeah, I'm picky. You know why I'm picky? Because I deserve it.

Kristen 47:31

Mm-hmm. There's nothing wrong with having your preferences. If someone wants to call me picky because I eat certain ways and I go to bed at certain times, then call me that. What it really is, is me knowing me very, very well. That's all it is.

Robin 47:47

My daughter, mom, you're the hardest person to buy for for Christmas. I go, really? I think I'm pretty easy. I know the things I like. Yeah, yeah. You know the things I like. So it doesn't make any sense. By the way, before I go, she knocked it out of the park this year for Christmas for me. I am so ecstatic. I really am. I couldn't be happier. So I'm proud of her. So well done.

Kristen 48:08

Well done. Uh talk to you later.

Robin 48:10

Bye guys.

The KEY to ending your suffering

Kristen 48:11

Thanks, Robin. Love you. Here's a funny story, you guys. So, one of the played dumb people in my history was my first husband. And I remember this is so funny. I remember one time my daughter and him couldn't tell you what age. She's in her teenage years-ish, and this is post-divorce. And we had an amicable relationship for 10 years until he got his new person who didn't like that we had a relationship, a friendship. Anyway, she was with her dad one day and they were driving down the road. I could tell you the street because I remember this, it's just stuck in my head. They were driving down 64th Street. She said that she was telling her dad about something or asking his qu a question about something. And you know what he said to her? He said, just play dumb. I do it all the time, and it works. He actually told her. This is all those times back in the past where I was trying to help him understand why I felt disrespected and why I felt like not a priority. Yes, Robin. Robin just said WTF. You know, he told on himself and it came back to me because she told me that he told her that. Like that was his big, great advice. And I was like, oh my gosh. That's because I kind of had a feeling. And at some point in that relationship, through frustration, I know I must have said something like, Are you really this dumb or you're not this dumb? I remember calling it out. I do. Like, come on. And he's a smart guy. But then you think, well, maybe he just doesn't know, or maybe, you know, he's a man. Maybe men don't get it, you know, all the things that we do. But when she told me that, I don't, she didn't know that he had done that with me all the time. So when she, well, dad just told me to play. Like, I was asking dad about this, and dad said to just play dumb because he does it all the time. And I was like, what? It was such justification for to me. It was validation, I guess. It was validating to me because I was like, Deggon it, I knew it. So just a little heads up out there, guys. If anybody's like, they just don't get it. And well, what do you mean I cheated on you? Well, why are you seeing it that way? Come on. Okay. Oh my gosh. I crack up at this stuff, but I really do. Don just said, my son plays dumb when he doesn't like what I said. My ex just argued. Yeah, it could be, but I don't know. I see this, I do. I'm gonna say this because I very rarely will draw genetic lines, or you know, gender lines, I'm sorry, when it comes to things, but I have seen this a lot in men. Maybe I didn't notice it in my female friends, but I don't remember my female friends playing. I remember one, maybe there just wasn't enough instances for them to play dumb. So maybe it is equal. I don't know. I'm just talking out my ear right now because I do remember one where she would play. No, actually, I do remember a couple playing dumb now. Yep. I just think there wasn't enough instances that it didn't really stand out to me. Yeah, I just think when some they learned somewhere along the way, as honestly, you guys, a coping strategy and a defense mechanism to play dumb, it worked once. Like they just, oh, I don't know what you're really, I don't even know. That's a thing. Oh my gosh. And it worked with whoever, whoever it worked somewhere, and so they start doubling down on it and they start using it, and then guess what? It becomes the long-term strategy. It's what they start to do, and it becomes natural and organ organic to them. Same thing with lying. Lying started from an innocent child, you guys. It came through innocence. They just at one point their brain said, Don't tell the truth, because I'm gonna get in trouble. Again, their brain trying to keep them alive and to survive. And so they didn't tell the truth, so they didn't get in trouble, and then they maybe they didn't get in trouble and owe this work. Now the brain's like, do this more. Do you see what I'm saying? So we all come about these things very organically. It it's just part of the brain and how it copes and how it gets us to survive, and how it gets us to get our needs met, and these types of things. The interesting sidebar with this one, I was I think it's funny that it went that direction. The key to this whole conversation today truly and truly is about and has been about the idea that we are going to personalize when someone doesn't fight for us. We go directly down the hole, down the path of I must not be enough. There must be something wrong with me. I'm not worth it. This person isn't fighting for me. And I'm here to tell you: if you've just joined late and you're suffering in that arena, please, I invite you to listen to this talk from the beginning. Because you're gonna hear some things on here that just might make you go, wow, maybe this really wasn't about me. We're dealing with the walking wounded here on planet Earth. All of us are wounded in some way. And some people are wounded and stay wounded and see the world through that lens and that filter, and they will continually to act and behave from that place, or they get on the healing path. And it looks different, a little bit different for everybody. But a person's resistance to taking accountability to healing, to take an emotional responsibility, to growing themselves in the emotional intelligence forefront, all of these things are up to a person. We have the choice because emotional intelligence is learned. It's we're not we don't come here with it, is learned. So people can learn it, they have the ability to learn it, but there are parts of themselves that within relationship, relationship to grow and to heal and to thrive requires true intimacy. And that means into me you see intimacy. We have to see inside of each other, we have to be honest with ourselves and with them. But there's people that that feels too scary. They have a fear of conflict, they maybe they have a deep belief that love should be effortless. I had a partner once say, you should never call each other out on any behavior. You should accept all parts of them at all times. And you know what's interesting? That person was doing that. They were accepting everything about everybody all the time, no matter how heinous it was or how crappy it was. So they expected everybody to do that with them. So guess where that came from? Their deep desire to be loved and accepted for all of who they are, they decided to love and accept everybody for all of who they are, regardless of the dysfunctional parts. Because love can be unconditional, but behavior is not conditional. Unconditional. Behavior is conditional. But they just thought they had to keep, okay, so you're this way, I just have to put up with it. That was modeled for them. So they were expecting that same thing. And I was like, no, I don't have to accept the parts of you that are disrespectful and destructive. Doesn't mean I don't love you, but I don't have to accept those parts of you. So people can have many reasons why they don't fight for the relationship, or their nervous system reads deep conversations as danger. There could be a red alert going on. Maybe some point in their past when they were honest, they got smacked around emotionally or physically or mentally. So the minute you try to have these conversations, their internal world is going red alert, red alert, freak out, freak out, run, run, run. Maybe when the relationship requires consistency, their nervous system reads that as danger. I need to be able to flow through my life and do whatever because I'm jumping from one fear-based thought to the next. And I need to be able to be hyper-vigilant and do things that can get myself to safety very, very quickly. And when people do that, they often leave us unsafe. Because it's not safety that is truly running from a physical threat. It's safety because their nervous system is activated from a past wound, from a past trauma. I'm sorry, from a past trauma that created a wound. Now the nervous system is activated. They feel like they have to run to safety. Yeah, Robin said, yep, they always want out. That's exactly it. That's exactly it for some people. I gotta get out of here. They run, they're runners. Those are the avoidance typically when it comes to the attachment styles. So sometimes, y'all, they don't fight because you made it too easy not to fight for you. Maybe you've been too accommodating or understanding or quick to blame yourself. And they may not never feel the weight of what's being lost because you made life too easy for them. It's just like you you didn't have them show up for your value. And this isn't because you weren't valuable, it's because you carried the all the emotional labor yourself. A really valuable truth here, and a hard truth, is that people often rise only to the level of responsibility that they're required to. So if we're not requiring them to rise, they won't rise. Or we're requiring them to rise. Yes, Robin said yes. And they're again old programming, unhealed wounds says, oh hell no, I'm not gonna rise. They don't even see it as rising, by the way, you guys. They're not conscious enough. They don't have enough awareness to say, wow, this is really uncomfortable. I don't like going here, but I know that this is how we heal. They they're not even there. They're not even close. It just feels yucky and they want to get away from yucky. And so we go, oh, it's about my worth. No, you could be a multimillionaire, beautiful, sweet, kind, pick flowers, give to the homeless, do you know all of these things and they leave. Trust me when I tell you, I didn't come to the place where I say I was an amazing partner doing all the right things lightly. Trust me when I tell you, I friggin' took notes and inventory and looked and did I did like what makes a good partner? What makes a good relationship? What makes a good woman? What makes a good wife? Check, check, check, check, check. As I disclaimed in the beginning of this, someone may leave if you are repeatedly dysfunctional in some area. Some people may leave if you're overly jealous or you're, you know, all any of those type of things that are obvious your thing. But if they're not fighting for you, and you know you've shown up and you've been love and you've been growth, and you've been on the healing path, and you want connection, and you're reading the books and doing the things and watching the webinars and trying to have intimate conversations, and they're not, and they leave. That's not on you, boo. It's it's not even close to being on you. Has nothing to do with you. And I want you to rest there. Here's one last thought that I'm going to share with you guys. Because we did talk about how hard and sad it is sometimes when someone goes and they don't fight for you and they don't want, you know, they just move on. Like in the case with me, where my best friend, you know, she was just my best friend, and we were buddies and we're the same height, and our names are similar, and all of these things, and all of a sudden she gets a boyfriend and she's gone. It turns into a husband, she's even more gone. And I just wasn't a priority anymore. That was painful to me. We were inseparable, we were neighbors. We knew each other since we were extremely young and just gone. But I did the math and I looked back and I I saw she just was a follower. And she could only follow one person at a time, and she traded me into follow someone else. And later that became the demise of her relationship because she was the way she was, and her husband didn't like it. It was unattractive. And over time, eventually, you know, other things happened. I won't get into all those details. Okay, Robin said, yes, they don't make you the priority in their lives. Yep. Yep. So when that happened to me and I had to sit here, here's what I noticed. All of my love for this person would not have made that relationship any better. They were who they were. And frankly, would probably stay that way unless they had some major wake-up call or epiphany. I can't change this. It is what it is. And as we grew and life got real and big, like real life, rather than little kids, you know, running around the neighborhood with water hoses and playing with kittens and stuff. But when real life happened, this showed up immediately. It showed up immediately. So what am I really mourning? I wasn't that much of a priority. But there's other people in this world that will see your worth and will see you as a priority. And doggone it, they're gonna do whatever it takes to keep you. Because they like you and they want to be around you and they connect with you. So this talk is also an invitation to let go of the past. I know it sucked, I know it hurt. Lick your wounds a little bit, but don't stay there. There's this big, beautiful, gorgeous world full of 8 billion people out here. I can promise you, there is a pile of people that would meet you and be like, oh my god, where have you been my whole life? You're my best friend, you're my best lover, you're my best coworker, you're my best whatever. Okay? Do the morning, feel the feelings, and let them go. And hopefully see this through a clearer lens of what were what really happened. It's not you. It's about where they're at right now in their own journey. Thanks for listening, everyone. Thank you, thank you. I'll see you on Monday. Bye.