Is Rejective Sensitive Dysphoria Sabotaging Your Relationships? - What You See vs. What They See

If you’ve ever found yourself creating stories in your mind, believing they’re real, and reacting in ways that spark conflict or chaos… often feeling like the one who “starts fights” or gets labeled “too sensitive”… you could be experiencing RSD. 

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a term you’ve probably been hearing more lately and for good reason. In this episode, we explore what’s really happening behind the "big reactions" people experience around perceived rejection, criticism, and failure. We also look at both sides of the experience—the world of the person with RSD, and what it's like for the person on the receiving end. 

You'll learn why RSD goes far beyond normal discomfort around rejection, and how at times it's driven by thoughts and beliefs that don’t reflect reality. This convo is not about labeling or diagnosing. It's about gaining a clear understanding of RSD so the healing tools make applicable sense. 

So, grab yourself a delicious beverage, a pad of paper and pen, and cozy up to an insightful episode of Empower Hour w/ KB - recorded LIVE on the Noom Vibe app.

For FREE Resources, 📖 Book Link, 📝 Quizzes, 👚 Self-Love Merch Shop, 🗣️ 1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

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With my love and gratitude,

KB 🦋

Transcript

Opening thoughts

Kristen 0:00

Hello, hello everyone, and welcome. My name is Kristen Brown, and I'm an author, motivational speaker, intuitive healer, and life coach who specializes in helping individuals reclaim their true worth and embrace their personal power, all to master their energetic vibration and manifest the life and relationships of their dreams. My coaching and mentoring approach is a powerful blend of timeless universal truths, acquired wisdom, intuitive prowess, and practical tools and techniques. Together, these elements provide me with the necessary guidance to laser focus on areas of healing that will bring about the most transformative impact to your life. It is simply not necessary to suffer through life. There is a path to manifesting the life you've always envisioned, and I'm here to guide you along that journey. Grab yourself a pad of paper and pen and a delicious beverage. Get yourself comfortable as long as you're not driving or doing anything that that would make you unsafe. And cozy up for a really great conversation. Today we're talking about RSD, how it looks in real life, how to heal it, what it feels like on the other side for the person who's in a relationship with someone dealing with RSD and how to handle them when they are triggered. I am really excited about this topic today because it's something that I feel the narrative is starting to change because I believe we are starting to move away from this whole everybody's a narcissist narrative that's out in the world that's been there for probably three or four years now. And we're moving into really a deeper understanding of what these things are. The narrative of emotionally immature people that's starting to come about, starting to understand how people may not be able to handle their emotions well. And now the conversation about RSD is coming out, which is so incredibly important. And it's important also to understand that if you're someone who is experiencing RSD, or if you're dealing with somebody who is experiencing RSD, this is not in the DSM 5, the official diagnosis manual. This is not an official diagnosis, it is a descriptive term. And this is often used by clinicians and coaches and mentors and other people in the world to describe patterns that they are seeing. So if you recognize that you have RSD or somebody else does, please recognize that you're just describing an experience, not a formal disorder. So let's dive into what RSD is actually. Rejection sensitive dysphoria refers to an intense emotional pain triggered by rejection, criticism, or perceived failure. Even when that rejection or perceived failure or criticism is subtle, or this is important here, it's not actually happening. It's not actually happening. It's perceived. The word dysphoria literally means a deep state of emotional discomfort or distress. A deep state. Think of RSD as a pattern of emotional sensitivity, not a standalone disorder. It's not just that hurt my feelings. A lot of times, people will describe it more like this feels crushing, or I want to disappear, or this is unbearable. So rejection doesn't just sting a little bit. You know how we, you know, feel that rejection. Nobody likes rejection. Let's just be clear about that. Right from the jump. Nobody likes the feeling of rejection, but this is a rejection feeling on steroids. Like it really doesn't just sting, it feels overwhelming, it feels all-consuming. It can even feel physically painful. We can feel it so deeply that it actually hurts. Like we feel it and it hurts. So, what this looks like in real life, people who experience RSD often take things very personally, not just a little bit. Because, you know, even me, you know, there's times where I'm like, ah, you know, and I'll feel something, but it doesn't pull me down. It doesn't throw me on the ground, it doesn't make me want to feel like disappearing or this is unbearable. I can just be like, oh, I don't really like that. But even tiny, small things are going to take very personally. And they may actually be triggered or or blow up something that is really your you or other people are looking at, like, what? That's a really big reaction to something that small. So they may also assume rejection where it isn't even, where it may not even exist. They're just going to assume that they're being rejected, rejected. And oftentimes this can be ahead of time. Like I'm not going to do XYZ because I'm going to get rejected. Remember, this is deep, this is visceral, of shame, anxiety, anger, sadness, or even resentment. It's just these sudden waves, and they feel so overtaking, and you don't know what to do with them or the person. Okay. I'm speaking on both sides of the fence right now. I'm speaking to you as if someone that you may be experiencing this. But also if you are dealing with somebody that you don't really know what's going on here, you just know the way they're reacting is like, what? And I'm going to get into that later. But I, this is all about awareness right now. There's no judgment. All right. We're all the walking wounded. We've all had things in our life, traumas, dramas, and experiences that shape the way our brain is wired and how we're reacting to things and saying things. So please know, never, never, never ashamed my goal here. Ever. It's only awareness. They can also swing between people pleasing, which means I'm going to do anything not to be rejected. I'm going to be a yes man or woman. I'm never going to push the limits. I'm never going to say no. I'm going to jump through hoops for other people, or to avoidance, which means I'm not even going to try, so I can't fail. Or I'm going to keep my world super small, or I'm going to stay home, or I'm going to not go to these functions. I'm going to just avoid things so that I can't fail or feel like I'm going to be rejected or there's going to be some type of criticism. Okay. And the last thing is they could struggle with perfectionism due to a fear of criticism. They fear it so badly that they try to be perfect in life and they try to make things, whether or not they're accomplishing this, by the way, I need to throw that in there because one person's idea of perfection might be different than another person's idea of perfection. But on their end of the road, at their end of the street, they're over here just really trying to be perfect, to avoid a possibility that somebody could say something, even if it's constructive, or it's just a conversation, or it's a non-emotional exchange. That's what they're trying to avoid. So they're going to go above and beyond and above and beyond to try to avoid that. And on their end, their side of the street, they're like, oh my gosh, like I don't understand why this keeps happening because I'm over here just doing everything I possibly can to make everybody happy, but yet I'm still being criticized. Now, the important part of this is, and this is very grounded truth for a person experiencing RSD, the experience is real. It's real. They feel it, it's happening within their body. They believe what they think they're seeing. We must understand that. So if it's you, yes. If it's somebody else, now you got some insight. It can be intense and very disruptive. It can be intense for the individual, it can be intense for the person on the receiving end of it, and it can be disrupt disruptive for the individual and the person on the other side. It's gonna come in as kind of this just whack a whack, you know, it's like this boom that happens. It's very disruptive. But remember, the experience is real. It is very, very real. And I want you to feel validated if you're discovering this about yourself that you're not crazy. Okay? You're not crazy. You're not crazy. And if you're experiencing this on the other end, your person's not crazy. Okay? I know it's very, very difficult to deal with. I've dealt with it myself within other people. I understand. It can be very, very difficult to deal with. But we also need to know that this is healable. And that's the most important part. A lot of people will hear about RSD and they'll think, oh my gosh, that's me. And I've seen a lot of people get really excited from learning about this because it's shining the light on what they've been feeling and what they've been experiencing and how they're showing up in the world and how they're showing up in relationships. And they and they often think, I'm just too sensitive. And likely they've been called too sensitive, or they've been called a baby, or they've been called childish, or they whatever it might be. So if you're that person, please know that you've now got an explanation about what's going on here. And if you're feeling excited about this, I want you to commend yourself for your awareness. Good for you. Give yourself a great big hug and a pat on the back right now. I'm not being joking here. I want you to grab yourself by the shoulders, hold yourself tightly, and pat yourself on the back because you just became aware of a behavior that was on autopilot before and that is disrupting your life and your relationships. Kudos to you. To heal our lives, we must take personal responsibility. It was the first thing I did on my healing path, not knowing what I was doing, where I was going, what was changing. I had no idea. I had no coaches, no mentors. YouTube wasn't a thing back in the day. It was just extremely small. It's definitely not the big network that it is now. And I didn't even know what I was experiencing in life to go even look for a book on it. I was just reading tons of spiritual literature, not religious, spiritual literature, and I was applying things to my life and things started to change. But how did this happen? Because I had to stand in the fact that I was creating things, that I was attracting relationships and perpetuating relationships in my life that were toxic, that were harming to me emotionally, physically, and mentally. And I had to realize that I was the common denominator here, and there's something about me that's bringing this on. And it was that radical responsibility that started to shift things for me. So please know by taking radical responsibility, you are doing yourself the greatest service and the service of the ones you love. So kudos to you. And the most helpful focus here isn't the label. Because a lot of times people want to pick a label and they'll say, Well, I'm just a people pleaser. Well, I'm just um anxious avoidant, or well, I'm just, you know, experiencing RSD. Okay, you know what? All of those things are fixable, by the way. All of them. They're literally just a way to identify a set of patterns. That's all it is. It's not a clinical diagnosis, it's not in the DSM 5. It's just a way to say, you know what, I'm experiencing people pleasing, or I have been people pleasing, or I have rejection-sensitive dysphoria right now. It's really important to put in the right now. Okay. I was a people pleaser. I'm no longer one. I never say that I'm fully recovered because I just believe this is, you know, a process. But I'd say for 99% of the time, I'm I'm responding now from a place of grounded self-worth and personal value. But this didn't happen because I said, well, you know, I'm a people pleaser. That's just the way it is. No, I was like, this isn't working for me. It's not yielding me the life and relationships that I want. So I had to shift that up. So how to heal it? How to heal it. My favorite thing in the whole wide world is knowing how to heal things. What actually works? Where can we move the needle here? Where can we have a different experience? RSD isn't just about rejection itself, it's about how your brain learned to experience rejection. Remember, the brain is neuroplastic, which means it is rewirable, it is retrainable, it is learnable. We can shift out of these patterns because that's all they are. They're just habits and patterns that are on repeat. Look at the brain like a computer. It's just running the same system over and over again until we input new information and start to do things differently. Anything that we've learned can be retrained. Now there is no single cure, in quotes, but there are evidence-based pathways that directly target the root cause and mechanisms. Healing is not about toughening up. And I want to pause here for a minute because you, if you are the one experiencing RSD, you've likely been told to toughen up. And although I know where that is coming from, because me on the receiving end of someone with RSD, I know that I was thinking that too because I didn't understand. And I just thought, this is just, this is just sensitivity on steroids. What is happening here? But again, being KB and loving my people well and loving me well, I was like, something else is going on here. So I started to figure out, figure it out. And it wasn't about toughening up, it's about going to the core that's causing this and healing it. All right, number one, you guys, you're gonna be shocked when I say this, right? And I'm saying that sarcastically. Regulate the nervous system first. First, not last, not after, prior. Prior. Again, this is how to heal it, okay? Because this is a brain plus body response. This is a brain-body response. This is not just about thinking. Research-supported approaches are things like mindfulness, grounding, breath work, and somatic awareness. I'm going to define somatic awareness a little bit for people who may not understand what that means. That was a term that started floating around as well. And so I had to look up definitions and be like, what is it? What do they what is everybody talking about? The somatic thing. Here was the thing, I was doing it, I just didn't know the word for it. So, in case you're someone who's already doing it or considering it, or know someone who is, this is what somatic awareness is. It's the ability to notice, interpret, and stay present with the physical sensations that are happening in your body. Staying present with the physical sensations that are happening in your body, especially as they relate to your emotions and nervous system. It's recognizing, hmm, my body is responding to something. This involves tuning into things like a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or feel like you've been punched in the stomach, shallow or rapid breathing, muscle tension, heat, heaviness, or restlessness, these are indicators that your nervous system is activated. And why this matters is because we cannot, we cannot think clearly when our nervous system is flooded. So, number one is to regulate the nervous system, mindfulness, being very present, grounding, centering yourself, breath work, and somatic awareness. Now keep in mind that we want to do this ahead of time. This is the healing practices of RSD. We want to do this ahead of time. We want to say, okay, I'm a person who experiences RSD, and I can slow down this entire process if I regulate my nervous system on the regular every day, all day, all throughout the day, or whatever is required for you. What I didn't add there yet is meditation. Meditation changed my life. It slowed everything down for me because I was a rush, rush, rush through life type person. I had a lot of responsibilities. I owned a business. I had children. I just, you know, you name it, all the things, single mothering through a lot of this. And I was a, you know, going all the time, juggling the mess in my head, the schedules, and you guys get it. When I started to meditate, and I started to, again, during one of the most difficult, anxiety-ridden parts of my life, and I started to notice wow, everything became clearer, things became slower, things became more manageable. I wasn't knee-jerk responding and reacting to things. Things were, I took time to process, and I was like, I will never go back to a life without meditation. Even if I'm feeling good this morning, I woke up fairly early and I was like, oh. And I thought, I feel great. I feel I feel smooth. I feel grounded, I feel regulated, and I meditated because I want to maintain that in me now. Number two, CBT, known as cognitive behavioral therapy. And I know many of you have gone through CBT. A lot of people who listen to my talks, we people have talked about it, and other people here on New Vibe, the speakers have talked about it. CBT is one of the most supported treatments here. And this is identifying distorted thoughts, such as they hate me, they're going to leave me, I'm not good enough. Challenge these interpretations of other people's behavior. What is the story you're telling yourself? And is this 100% true? 100% true. So let's say you think they hate me, or they don't like me, or they don't love me, whatever, whatever interpretation this is for you. Okay, it's not just these three, it's it's whatever this looks like for you. Let's say that comes up and you can ask yourself, let's say it was your spouse or your child or someone that you're responding to. They hate me, they don't like me, they don't love me, or they don't care about me. Ask yourself, is this is this true? Is this really true? Can I 100% know that this is true? No, it's really not. Boom! Right there, you have just recognized something. Your brain is telling you a story that's not true. So you can believe it, or you can replace that with the more accurate thought. They love me, they care about me, they're not going to leave me. This will directly rewire the interpretation to the reaction loop. That's gonna completely rewire because you're gonna stop it when it starts. So instead of having this automated trigger come up, they hate me, they don't love me, they're going to leave me. And again, sometimes this is subconscious, you guys. This is gonna take you going in and saying, What am I really feeling and believing right now? I have done this work on other things in my life, and I can't tell you how incredible it is and how it changed everything. It was like someone peeled this film that was off the windshield of my life. Not only did I feel things more clearly, but I saw things more clearly. Number three, build emotional regulation skills. This is the core skill deficit. This is the main missing ability underneath everything else. It's the root issue that's driving this pattern. And this is about I'm feeling an emotion, and this doesn't mean that I have to react from this emotion. I'm feeling something right now, pause before reacting, naming the emotion. Let's say you're feeling shame. This is shame, I'm not in danger, or this is. Fear, not rejection. Or this is fear, they're not actually leaving me. It's not abandonment. And during this, what we're going to be doing is that we're going to we're going to be increasing our tolerance for discomfort because we know those lower dense heavy emotions are not comfortable. We don't like them and their energy. So we want that energy to come out of our body. And as a person, a person who has RSD is going to blow that onto another individual. They just, wow, I want to get this out of my body. But as we know, that's called causing problems in the relationship. Pausing before we react, naming the emotions, what's true here, and increasing the tolerance for discomfort. And over time, this teaches your brain I can feel this without collapsing. I can feel this without losing myself. I can feel this without attacking another person. I can feel this without making them or me wrong. Doesn't that feel good? That's just a great thing to learn anyway. Okay. Number four, exposure to rejection. Yeah, really. Rejection therapy. I love this. When I first learned about rejection therapy, I was like, this is amazing. And I see people do this. Again, a lot of people aren't going to therapy or whatever, but they just challenge themselves in ways. And this is one of the things that I did without even knowing it was a thing. And then I later learned it was a thing. And I was like, oh God, this is great. And what this means is putting yourself in situations that you could possibly get rejected. Research and clinical guidance emphasizes that avoidance makes the sensitivity worse. Because we're not getting practice. You see what I'm saying? We have nowhere to practice. Put yourself in environments, put yourself out there. You know, be vulnerable. Ask for things and say to yourself prior, I might get rejected here. I was working with someone, it was a male, regarding dating. They hadn't dated in quite some time. And as I was working with this person, coaching and mentoring with them, they were talking about, um, you know, yeah, but this might happen and that might happen. And I said, okay, what I'm hearing is you're free, you're afraid of being rejected. And they said, Yeah. Peter said, every time I ask a girl out, absolutely. And this is exactly what I'm talking about. I love you, Peter. Thank you. So, with this person that I was coaching and mentoring with, I said, I want you to put yourself so out there that you get so used to rejection and stop taking it personally because it ain't about you. And they looked at me with eyes wide, like, what? I'm like, there's the only way to get through. The only way to get better at this is through it. Don't go around it, don't avoid it, because if you avoid it, you're never going to find that person. And this is the person who had deal dealt with a fear of rejection. In fact, I believe they did have RSD for so long. And you know what they did? And this is where bravery comes in. And I get so excited. If you guys could see me right now, I'm fist pumping in the air. Is that this person went in neck deep. They're like, I'm in. They started throwing themselves out there left and right. And guess what? They found they found such a perfect partner that my mind is absolutely blown. To this day, I'm just like, wow. Because they got used to, for lack of a better way to say it, rejection. They decided it was not about them. Okay. Rejection does not mean we're unsafe, everyone. That's not what it means. This is about speaking up. This is about setting boundaries. This is about asking questions. This is about making the first move. This is about being vulnerable. All right. That's all it is. So what? So what? You get rejected. Are you going to die? Now you guys know I always go to that because that's how I trained myself a lot with things that I was embarking on. I asked myself, is any is anybody gonna die or is anybody gonna lose a limb? And the reason why I picked those two things is because basically they're things we no one can come back from. Once you die, you're dead. And if you lose a limb, yeah, you'd get a prospentic aesthetic, but you know, that's it, the limb's gone, right? And I'm like, no. So if none of those things are gonna happen, throw it out there, KB. Just throw it out there. I risk rejection, everybody, every single time I go live. Oh, yeah. Y'all could hate me. Y'all could say, KB, what the hell are you talking about, you freak? You could say things, YouTube making shorts. I'm risking rejection all over the place. But I yeah, you guys are clopping, thank you. But you know what's gonna happen? I gotta do it anyway, right? So rejection does not equal unsafe. The next one is rebuild identity and self-worth. Now, you guys know the core of what I do, the core, the core, core, core of what I do is help people rebuild their self-worth. And we do this through self-love practices. That was the number one thing that I noticed when I started to go through my College of Christ and my healing work. And I had that wake-up call one day when I didn't answer a text. I didn't even even want to answer a text by someone that I was dying for attention from for the longest time. I just shut the phone, put it back on my belt because this is back with those StarTAC days, flip phones, and I had this little belt that I would wear my phone on, you know, that belt little clip on my pants. Belt, that sounds so dumb. But anyway, it's like I had a tool belt. But um, I realized, oh my God, I healed my self-worth. I didn't feel that response. So this is about rebuilding your identity as a worthy, worthy person. And this is part of the healing journey that a lot of people want to skip, or they're like, oh, I can just kind of talk myself through this and tell myself that I'm worthy. It doesn't work that way, you guys. You got some brain wiring that you got to unwire. So please remember that. You know, my book, The Recovering People Pleaser from Head to Toe, is about reclaiming your self-worth and personal power. And I go into in-depth into self-love. I think it's in chapter six. So if you haven't gotten that book yet, oh my gosh, I highly recommend it. It is from my heart to yours. Every single word was written by me. I did not AI this thing. And you can tell, you can tell it's my voice when you're reading it. I throw a couple curse words in there, just gonna tell you, not a lot of them, but there's a few. But yeah, definitely check out the Recovering People Pleaser. It is on my Link Tree and my profile here on New Vibe. Click on my profile picture and click where it says my link tree. Tons of resources. Recovering people pleaser. There are also a couple, a couple different sites you can find that on. And if you're listening to this on another podcasting platform, the link tree is in my description below. Lots of good resources there, you guys. I highly recommend you check that out. So when we rebuild our identity and self-worth, this is going to properly interpret others' words and behaviors. Not everything is a rejection of you. Not everything is rejection of me. Feedback is not a threat to your identity or to my identity. Someone saying no to us, someone doing whatever it might be they're doing. Now remember, at the top of this talk, I talked about, and this is important to understand, that it's not always direct rejection. I need you to know this. It could simply be, and as equal to direct rejection, the interpretation of some doesn't like me, someone's gonna leave me, I'm gonna be hated. It could be someone's benign behavior that you misinterpret. Number six, and then I'll start, I'll bring up a couple guests, and then we're gonna go into the other side of this. Number six is reducing rumination. And this is really a true critical piece here because when we get into these triggered episodes of RSD, that's just the way I'm gonna say it. When we get triggered into this, what we tend to do is analyze and analyze and ruminate and analyze and stew and stew and sit in it, and just we uh it just goes on and on and on and on. What happens is we have looping thoughts and we're replaying interactions, and then we're in blame cycles, whether we're blaming ourselves or we're blaming someone else, just goes on and on and on and on and on. We are not going to heal, my beloved, by analyzing the rejection repeatedly or continuing to blame everyone around you. That doesn't do anything. That's looping, that's cycling, that's buffering. We're just saying in the same stuff all over and over again. The tools for this are to interrupt those thought loops. I hear what I'm doing right now. I'm going to redirect my attention to something else. I'm going to journal about this and I'm going to let it go. I'm going to talk about the truth of this. I'm going to re-listen to KB's talk. I am going to take more notes. You guys, the more that we practice things, the better we get. At first, it's going to be difficult. I know people right now, I've a couple of coaching clients, again, a couple of males who are going through breakups. These breakups were like hit them upside the head like a baseball bat because they're good men. I'm just going to tell you, they're amazing men. They've done, they're just good humans. Breaks my heart sometimes, you know? And they're just in these looping thoughts, looping thoughts, ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, ruminate, like trying to understand what they could do. You know what? That's kind of a different story than the RSD, but what I'm trying to say is that we got to sit in that. And we got to say, this wasn't about me. I'm going to let this go. I'm going to go do something else. I'm going to redirect my attention. You might call that distracting, but if it's healthy distracting, I'm down. I'm going to go for a walk instead. I'm going to go play for my dog instead. Remember, your brain wants to go in the loop, the loop, the loop, the loop, the loop. So we got to, what I used to call and still do call, I see this as I want you to see two big, massive, like 10-foot gears, and they're just grinding together and they're going and they're going and they're going and they're going. And imagine you walking up like it's light as a feather and inserting this massive steel rod, bam, right in the middle of those gears, so they can't turn. They just stop. This is what you're doing. You're stopping it. You're making it not happen anymore. You have the power to do that. And I'm going to invite you to get creative with your visualizations because these are things that I would do. I would, this is where I came, came up with that visual because I was like, oh, I'm going to stop this, this, this gear, this machine that's going. I also used terms like stop, cancel, clear. I would also do um, God, what was it? Clear and center. Clear and center. I would do, my kids make fun of me now. Um, I remember I would be driving down the road and I'd take my one hand and I open my palm and I wouldn't touch my face, but I'd hold about 10 inches in front of my face, and I'd make a circle with my palm. And I'd go clear, and then I'd pull my hand into a fist and I'd pull it down to my chest and I'd say center. I'd go clear and center, clear and center. And I would, my kids would be like, What are you doing? I'm like, I'm just clearing and centering to this day. They're like clear and center, and they say it really, really jokingly, but doggone it, it worked. It worked. All right, we got Cher. Cher, so glad you have a moment in your busy day to come up and chat with me. Welcome, Cher.

Sher 34:01

Hi, hi, how's it going? Um, I'm more of like a recovering rejection sensitive dysphoria, RSD person. Nice. It's great to be on the other side because after a while you just start to, you're not afraid to ask people for what you want or talk to somebody that you're afraid of or or anything. You just you just do it. And if you don't get a positive answer, it's not so bad. You just kind of take it and you roll with it, or you kind of turn it into something else. Um, I've um approached males sometimes to ask them to just get to know them better, and it'll it'll turn into just a good friend. Or um I'll approach people to kind of join into the causes that I support, and sometimes it'll be fabulous, and it's like a game changer. Sometimes I'll friend somebody that I don't even know because I see their likeness to me and I'll start talking to them. So um I feel like it's really good on the other side, and the more you do it, the better it feels.

Kristen 35:08

Were you hyper? I'm just gonna call it hypersensitive to everything and everybody at some point in your life.

Sher 35:13

Yes. Like yes, I have many of those, many of those things. I was always very sensitive, very worried about making a mistake, very worried about displeasing others. Um, at a party, I would be the one standing by the food and just hanging out, and now I actually go interact with everybody. That's amazing to be table anymore.

Kristen 35:36

That's amazing. Can you tell us if you remember? Because sometimes before we're super aware of these things, we just start working on them, we don't really realize what we did. Do you remember what you did to heal this?

Sher 35:47

I just felt like I went to a breaking point and decided I didn't want that anymore. And I shifted it around. Wow. I just said I need to do what I need to do, and I started doing it. I was listening to Noom Vibe at the time too. That's that was a huge help in making me realize that it's okay. And I can do things that I want to do, and I can be unafraid and unapologetic.

Kristen 36:13

In the beginning, was it like was the reactions in you like still kind of big, but you managed them and then over time they became less?

Sher 36:21

Yes. Yes, definitely. Oh, yeah, definitely. There's definitely fears, there's definitely insecurities, like, oh my God, I hope, I hope they're not mad at me about that, or what are they thinking about me, or you know, all those things racing through my head, but then they've just started to subside, and it it's as long as I know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm being honorable in whatever interaction it may be, then I just keep going.

Kristen 36:46

Yeah, I like what you said, and I hope people picked up on that. I'm gonna reiterate it. She said they just started to subside. Coming from someone who's done this type of work and you've done this type of work, it's very difficult to describe to people the the it just sort of starts fading away. It just gets less and less and less intense. And whatever work we're doing, it becomes less of a thing as we start to move towards the other thing. So I want people to understand that it's not like all of a sudden you wake up one day and you're, wee, you know, you don't care about anything. It's just when you are intentional with the work, it starts to leave you because you start to form other pathways, brune neuropathways that start to become more dominant.

Sher 37:29

Right. Yes, yes, yes. I think that's exactly what's happening too.

Kristen 37:33

Yeah, and it's exciting.

Sher 37:35

Yes, it is exciting. It is exciting, and you just want to keep rolling with it.

Kristen 37:40

It's like the whole your whole life changes. It's like you've opened up. I always see these big double doors, these big, gorgeous wooden double doors, and you open them up, and all of a sudden you're like in this sanctuary, like this gorgeous rolling hills with flowers and deers, deer and rat bunny rabbits. I mean, it's like, what? Yeah, this has been here all along.

Sher 37:58

Right, you're in this safe, wonderful place. It's in your head.

Kristen 38:03

Yeah. So much is in our head, isn't it, Cher?

Sher 38:07

Yes, absolutely.

Kristen 38:08

Thank you so much, sister.

Sher 38:09

Awesome for everyone. Thank you.

What it feels like on the receiving end - #1 Constantly misinterpreted

#2 Small things become big situations

#3 Feels like walking on eggshells

#4 Get pulled into constant reassurance

#5 Feel responsible for their emotions

#6 Start doubting yourself

How to handle someone with RSD #1 Keep calm

#2 Be clear and direct

#3 Don't over-explain or over-reassure

#4 Don't take it personally

#5 Set & hold boundaries

#6 Validate without agreeing

#7 Give space where needed

#8 Encourage self-awareness gently

Supportive quotes and closing

Kristen 38:12

Bye-bye. Much love, Cher. I'm so glad she came up. I don't always get a chance to talk to Cher and you guys to hear Cher. She always has such really poignant, heartfelt, vulnerable shares. And um, I feel like that was very, very helpful when you see somebody that's like they've gone through this work where everything was was debilitating. Those are my words, not hers. But I know people who have, you know, and our let me just back up. RSD can be a continuum. Like we can have it just a little bit, or we can have it like a lot, where we just can't seem to everything everybody says is just so painful. And it's just like we're always feeling like somebody's doing something to us, and we have these big, harsh reactions to these things, and people are starting to look at us like something's wrong with us, or we're crazy, or whatever it might be. It's really important to understand that you can change this. You can change this. Okay. Now you're not crazy or any of the things that someone's saying to you. You're just feeling these things more deeply than other people maybe, other people that don't have this. It's not a big deal, all right? But you can clear this. And that's what we just went through was how to heal this. Oh, we only have 15 minutes left. Let me see how quickly I can get through what it feels like on the other side. Now, this means if you're in a relationship with someone who is experiencing RSD, the first thing that we're gonna feel is that we're gonna feel like we're constantly misinterpreted. We could say something neutral, it could even be kind. And it lands as criticism or rejection, or that we've there, we've just they've disappointed us. And we're kind of sitting there scratching our head thinking, um, that's not even what I said. Or how did they get that from what I said? Or what just happened here? Because it's so opposite of our intention or our meanings, or it's not even just opposite, it's just we're neutral, and they've interpreted it as a negative. I've been on the receiving end of this a lot, and I'll tell you, it was it's it's hard for the receiver as well, because we're not seen as the neutral loving spirit that we are, because we're constantly being misinterpreted, and that could be very painful to us because we're like, do you not even do you see me? Like, that is not who I am. But it's important to remember this isn't about you. This is about this is what's going on within them. The second thing is the how somebody, somebody on the other side of this dealing with somebody with RSD, is that small things become big situations. How many of you have dealt with that where there's a little tiny moment and then all of a sudden it turns into this big emotional spiral, or now it's something that you have to manage, or there's this awful big long conversation, and there's all these upset feelings, and it was this tiniest thing. I have seen this in the smallest of ways. I could say something so benign that I could say to 50 million other people and no one would care but this person, boom, they just flew off. And I'm like, why does everything have to be such a big deal? So, what happens is we start bracing for is this gonna turn into something big? Because dealing with a person with RSD can consistently, where they're consistently doing this, this is going to affect our nervous system because now we're bracing for what unknown, illusional misinterpretation that they're gonna have. And then we might find ourselves saying, you know, disclaiming everything that we say, okay, well, don't take this personally, or I don't, you know, I mean this in a good way, or whatever it might be. And then, and then I've had I've had the experience where people are like, Oh, I I don't, I'm fine. And then next thing you know, it's thrown back at me in three weeks. Do you see what I'm saying? It can be a very difficult place to be. All right. The third thing is that you could feel like you're walking on eggshells. All right. This might this could mean that you're afraid to speak up, you're afraid to be honest with this person, you're afraid to be vulnerable, you're overthinking your words or how you should say them, you're softening everything, you're skirting around certain topics, you're ignoring the truth, you're not being honest. All of these things can happen, not because we're unclear, but because you're trying to prevent that big reaction in that eggshell walking is not a fun place to be because it's not a cohesive, reciprocal relationship. When we have to monitor everything that we're saying and doing in the situation that I was in, there's a couple people that I've experienced this with, and it was with both of those people, well, three of them, the common denominator was I felt like I was in a fishbowl and they were studying and watching every move I made to see if I was approving of them or not approving of them. All of my moves were approving of them, but they were on this hypervigilance to try to figure out like, okay, is this okay? Is this not okay? They didn't know it. This it sort of reminds me of my dog, Wesley. I'm Wesley's alpha. So whatever I do, he's right there. If I make a sound, he's looking. If I get up He gets up, like, where are you going? Am I gonna miss out? In a room full of people trying to tell him what to what to do. I can walk over and say, Wesley, boom, and he does it. This dog pays so close attention to me. He's just very aware of everything I do. And this is what I felt like in those relationships with those people. There was no kind of going with the flow, waviness, certainty, comfortabless, feel. It was like they were eyes wide open, just staring at me all the time, like waiting. It may not have looked that obvious, but that's how it felt because I could feel that energy coming to me. And I'm a huge interpreter of energy. I could feel it. I'm like, why are you studying me? And if I said anything that might appear like it was rejecting to them or it was criticizing to them or what have you, then all of a sudden they're they've blown up and they're they've lost their mind. And I'm I just sitting here with my hand on my brow, like I don't know what to do with you. And this has happened repeatedly. And I believe that's why, because I had to learn how to deal with these people. I had to learn what was going on, is why I feel comfortable teaching about this topic, because I'm no stranger to it. But was I in that place? Let me see. How did I have RSD? I think I was sensitive to rejection, but not in a way that was really affecting other people. Maybe here and there in a little bit, but not to the extent that I'm talking about here. So I have been on both sides of this and I have healed and worked with, I've healed myself in this, but also worked with other people as well in this, and also dealt with people with this in my personal life. And I was, I've told people, if like people, well, sometimes if they're super sensitive, this is interesting too. They'll project that onto you and they'll dance around topics, they'll walk on eggshells, they won't say what they really mean. And then they may say to you, Well, I'm walking on eggshells around you. And you're like, you don't need to, bro. Sis, be honest with me. Tell me the truth. I'm a person who really doesn't take things personally. That's that's the truth. I mean, if I do, it's here and there and it's very, very small. So I'm like, no, you're not hurting my feelings. And they don't believe it because it would probably hurt their feelings. Get what I'm saying? So they're projecting themselves onto me. That's an indicator to me that people do that, that one of two things. One, they've dealt with somebody that was super sensitive, so they're in the mode and the habit now, or they are super sensitive themselves. So they are now treating other people how they want to be treated. But really, what that is is eggshell walking. So you could be on the receiving end of this and people are walking on eggshells around you. Isn't that crazy? It's mind-blowing to me because if someone said that to me, they're like, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I'm like, why? I don't get upset. And then there's history of me not getting upset with these things. So the truth and the reality is there, but yet they're doing it. Does that make sense to everybody? Yeah. So um, the second one is you feel like, or third one, you're walking on eggshells. Number four is you can get pulled into constant reassurance. All right, this means the RSD might say things to you like, Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Or why can't you just accept me? And even when you answer, it doesn't stick. You end up repeating yourself and repeating yourself and repeating yourself. And then you're saying to them, Why are we still here? Why is this the same thing over and over and over again? Or I thought we moved past this because you might be a person that believes somebody the first time, or their behaviors demonstrate what they're saying and you trust them and you move on. But the RSB person does, RSD person isn't like that. They're not going to believe you because they're wired in that way to be hyper-vigilant. So this can be exhausting to somebody on the other side of this because you feel like you have to constantly give reinsurance. That's very draining. And this is where also the phrase needy comes in, where people are like, well, they're very, very needy. Well, again, all these things are overlapping, and these labels that we've come up with are not, they're just indicators of um, they're just ways to describe behaviors. They're not about a diagnosis. So keep that in mind if you find yourself like, well, I'm needy. Yeah, right now, keep that in mind, okay? Number five is you feel responsible for their emotions. You didn't do anything wrong, but you feel pressure to fix them, to calm them, to make them feel better, to coddle them, to move passes. And over time, it's just become, it's just easier if I manage this. Because the RSD person hasn't realized that they are misinterpreting situations. They believe it's you. So it's just like, all right, let me just do all these things. And a lot of times this is subconscious on the receiving end of this. Your brain just is trying to find an easier way. And um, because they're they don't realize they're a misinterpreting situation, it's gonna feel huge to them, even when it's not to others. And they're going to feel justified in their feelings, their big emotions, and their outbursts and their blame. They're going to feel justified. And this is another part of the hard, the hard part of this for people on the receiving end, is you're just sitting there going, I can't, like, there's nothing I can work with here. I've I can't even, I can't work with you because you're so rooted and so committed to your interpretation of this. You're not even opening your heart or your mind to see a different way. And there's always a different way. And number six is you can doubt yourself because this is happening repeatedly, and they're saying it's you, and it's you, and it's you, and you're mean, and you're criticizing, and you're this, and you're that. And again, you guys, this is not about you're being mean or criticizing. This means their interpretation of your benign actions and words. Someone says, Do you want to go to this thing? And you're like, Yeah, no, I really don't want to go. And all of a sudden, ah, they're they're all in a frenzy because you've been rejected. And this is just one teeny tiny example above many, many, many examples. So you start to ask yourself, am I too harsh? Did I say something wrong? Am I the problem? Am I an a-hole? And I've asked myself this question eight billion times. And I'm very honest with myself. If I am, I am. The other day I told you I felt I was being a D for no reason. I said, I am being a D right now. I don't know why. Okay. I am very honest with myself. But in this part, I was like, no, I couldn't have said it any sweeter or kinder, or that was so benign or so neutral or so commonplace. So many other people respond or react or say this, and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. We're gonna start questioning ourselves when objectively we weren't the problem. We're gonna start believing there's something wrong with us. So those are the problems. All right. Oh, yes. Steven said four, five, and six are hitting hard. Yes, Steven. Yes, yes, yes. Layers of healing. I love it. How to handle someone who has RSV, RS, RSV, RSD. Number one, stay calm and regulated. And this is where your nervous system matters too. So for everybody listening, we all need to regulate our nervous systems all day, every day. Everything's gonna get better. Don't just let everybody know. That is the key foundational thing. Keep calm, regulate your nerve nervous system on the regular. Again, we're doing this ahead of time, not on the on the back end, all right? Don't match their intensity. Your calm will help them de-escalate. All right. I have matched intensity. I've done it. And I realized, oh my God, this is creating this big, huge problem. I'm gonna stop doing that. I'm gonna stay calm, I'm gonna stay grounded, I'm gonna stay rooted. Number two is to be clear and direct, avoid vague language. Say what you mean kindly and simply and respectfully. The end. Don't make it bigger than it has to be, don't draw it out, don't lecture. I've done all those things, none of them worked. Just take my experience, take this wisdom. None of that worked. All right, be clear and direct. Avoid vague language. Say what you mean, respectfully, kindly, and simply. Boom. Number three, don't over-explain and over-reassure. Man, that's so tempting for me. It's so tempting for me. And I remember this is this is how I got keen. One of the reasons I got keen to this is that these people that would do this to me, if I would say something like, I love you, you're my best friend, or you're my partner, or you're my this or you're my that, I could see this relief wash over their face. And I was like, wait a minute. That was like an indicator. I was just saying it as part of, you know, saying it, but it was huge. And I thought, oh, okay, they just need reassurance. Well, then we want to get pulled into the reassure the reassurance cycle. And then guess what, you guys? That's gonna be required every time. You just sit there and reassure them and reassure them, reassure them, reassure them, and it's not gonna stick. They're not gonna be able to draw upon that for themselves and keep that going. That's now gonna become your job. Okay. Number five, don't take it personally. This is a biggie. Their reaction is about their nervous system and their training, it's not about your character or your intention. This was a big one for me. I'm extremely loving. You guys, I can't stress it enough. And I'm honest. Someone asks me a question, I'll tell them. If there's confusion, I'm gonna help straighten it out. And some people literally can't take that. They can't take the truth. You can't handle the truth. A few good men from that movie, a few good men. It's not about your intention, it's not about your character, it's not about you. They have RSD, they're blowing something up, and I don't say that disrespectfully, they're just making something really big here, and it's not about you. Number five is set and hold boundaries. You're not responsible for regulating their emotions, you're not responsible for helping them reframe their thoughts, you're not responsible for any of the healing things. Be kind, but don't over-accommodate or overdo. That is their job. They can't learn unless they do it themselves. KB, raising my hand here because I was the because I know this stuff. So I dive right in there. Oh, here you go. What I notice is they became reliant on me. Now, when that happens and there's a situation, if that comes up into my life, what I'll say, right? I will not dive in with them. I will not. I'll say, you know what to do here, you know what's happening here. Take care of that. And that's at the stage I'm at with particular people. That does wasn't that way in the beginning. That's over time and them learning and growing and these type of things. Number six is validate without agreeing. This means I can see that this feels very upsetting to you. That's it. I can see that this feels very upsetting to you. You don't have to confirm their interpretation of events or the story that they're telling themselves. You can just validate that it feels upsetting. Sometimes that validation is really all I need. Sometimes that can start to shift the whole gig right from there. But you do not confirm their interpretation. Because uh, again, I can only speak from my own experience. Their interpretations sometimes have been like, what on earth? Like, do you even see me? I don't act like that, do that, say that, because again, it's a trigger inside of them. It's something that's happening inside of them, and is their lens through which they are seeing me. So I will not confirm. And then I've had people say, and this is where this part gets important because people will be like, well, just say you're sorry for the way they're feeling. I'm gonna validate that they're upset, but I'm not going to apologize for their illusional interpretation of events that did not happen. So I'm not gonna apologize for the story they told themselves, and I will stand on this hill, you guys. I may feel sorry that they're feeling this way because people don't like when you they say that is not an apology saying, I'm sorry you feel this way. I believe there's context in that. If you have someone who blatantly disrespected, abused you, did something mean to you, and they say, Well, I'm sorry you're feeling that way, that's dismissal. But if you have somebody who is accusing you of something that's not true, and you say, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, you're literally saying, I'm sorry you're having this episode. I'm sorry that this is upsetting to you. But you're not saying, I did it. There is a distinction. It's very important for us to understand that. Okay. Number seven is give space when needed. Not every moment needs to be solved immediately. Not every little freakout needs to be dealt with immediately. A lot of times when people are heightened and they're in their emotional throes of this, they're going to bleed that all over you. They're going to be vomiting all over you. It's important that you take space and allow those emotions to settle, not only for them, but for you. Because again, now we've been attacked. Oftentimes we've been attacked by them, telling us that we're doing something that we didn't do. And it's a lot of blame coming at us and a lot of you, you, you, you. And we're over here innocent. And of course, we're going to defend because it's not true. I've gone through these things seven ways from Sunday. And I will tell you what I know now is removing myself from that situation when it gets like that is the best thing to do. And once things are calmer, it can be revisited. That has been more helpful than me trying to persuade them, me trying to fix them, me trying to get them to see the light. When they're in that high emotional space thing, remember their nervous system is activated. We don't learn when our nervous system is activated. The brain has sent all the blood to other parts of our body. Well, there's some blood up there, but you get what I'm saying? It's it's in fight-flight. So they're not learning. So why are we bothering? And that's what I had to learn. I had to learn how to step away. And number eight is to encourage self-awareness gently. Because now they're gonna think you're not taking responsibility, now they're gonna think you're not caring about their feelings, all of these things. All right, you can support their reflection, you can support the awareness, but not their dependence on you, or not their need for you to fix them, or not their desire for you to validate whatever thing that their brain has told them. Again, I've lived this, I've worked with this so many different ways, and I have found what works. And this, when they have awareness, because I've worked with this with people with you know, some loved ones in my life, and they're like, Why is it always me? Why am I always the problem? Because you're the person who is misinterpreting, not me. And they're always the one that I call draws first blood. When I'm like doo doo doo doo doo going through life all of a sudden, whammo, and I'm attacked with something, and I'm like, what? And then it it can launch. And it used to launch into big, long God, oh god, these cut conversations and arguments. Oh, it was terrible. And I thought, this is killing me. This is draining me. I gotta figure out a different way. We can't become their emotional anchor. They have to anchor themselves, they gotta ground themselves, they have to heal themselves. We can show up gently, we can show up with support. And we love these people for the most part. This is usually not randos from the street coming unglued on us, all right? These are people that we love that are in our life. We can do all of that without making this about us. All right, so we are going to close out this with some quotes to tell yourself if you're dealing with a person like this. This reaction isn't about me. That's about not taking it personally. I didn't do anything wrong. Again, this is when you know, this is when you've done a little self-inventory and you know you were just being neutral or honest or whatever it might be in this person. It was activated. The next one is their feelings are real, but they're not always accurate. I can be kind without taking this on. That was a big one for me. That was a huge practice for me. I'm gonna be kind, but I'm not gonna take this on. I know me. My God, it took me many, many, many years to work on myself, to love myself, to get really in touch with who KB is. I love and honor her. She's a good human. She doesn't intentionally hurt anybody. I can be kind without taking this on. I don't have to fix this. I don't have to fix this. Their job to fix it. Their emotions are not my responsibility. Their emotions and interpretations are not my responsibility. I can care without over-accommodating. I can care without over-accommodating. Pause, breathe, don't react. Ooh. Ooh, that was challenging for me. Pause and breathe and don't react. I still don't know if I'm great at that, to be honest with you. Working on it. I don't need to match their intensity. That I'm pretty good at now. I don't need to match their intensity. Calm is my power. It is. It is. I can choose my response. Personal power. Personal power. Agency. I don't need to prove that I'm good. This is a biggie. Because a lot of times they're trying to tell us that we're jerks. And we're over here going, I'm a kitten. What do you mean I'm a jerk? I did get into that cycle of trying to prove to this person who I truly was. I just, I can't. I can't anymore. Discomfort doesn't mean I did something wrong. It's going to be uncomfortable. So we have to sit with the fact that it's going to be uncomfortable for us too. It doesn't mean we did something wrong. It just means someone's mad at us right now. He's trying to blame us for something. This one's huge. I won't abandon myself to keep the peace. Oh man. I I am solid in that now because I did abandon myself to keep the peace a lot. Approval is not my job. This will pass. That's a biggie. Not everything is personal. That's a biggie. I trust myself to handle this. And my favorite, because this is one of important one for me in my story. Some of these may have resonated with you differently, too. This one was important to me. I am safe even if they're upset. I am safe even if they're upset. Awesome. You guys, thank you so much for joining me on this episode today. As always, I so appreciate you, your interactions, your emojis, your back channel messages coming up on the stage and speaking with me and sharing your heart and your mind. Big shout out to Cher for being our guest today. This is a big, deep conversation. Thank you for allowing me to unpack this in an hour and 15 minutes. Um, a lot to share here. I do want to leave you with this. If you're someone who's dealing with RCD yourself, if you're someone who's like who sees these behaviors in yourself, please do not judge yourself. Do not think there's something wrong with you. This is extremely common. It's very, very common. It just now has a label for it, but it's not a lifetime diagnosis. This is not genetic. It's just the way your brain dealt with rejection in the past and the way it interprets other people's behaviors that is often rooted in trauma. All right. We all have our traumas and our dramas, and they turn into things like this in our brain. But please know, just like you heard Cher say, this is so healable. And she's on the other side of it now, and it feels like peace and it feels like freedom. Oh my gosh, the healing journey is all about freedom. I don't think we realize how free we can actually feel emotionally until we start doing this work. So don't delay, don't wait, don't put it off. There is no quote unquote right time. You can start working on these things that I listed in here now, today. Re-listen to this talk, write them down. And better yet, if you're someone who wants the how-tos, the how-to heal, if you'd email me in the next 48 hours or so, I will be happy to send them to you via email. You can just email me at hello at kristenbrown.org and write heal RSD. That's all you have to write. You don't have to write me a big paragraph or anything, and I will copy and paste the healing ways for you so that you can start working on this. Take it easy, take it slow. Just be aware. And if anything, just start work on working on regulating your nervous system in the meantime. That's gonna help you in the most profound ways because it slows everything down and it helps you make better choices. And if you're somebody too who is dealing with a person like this and it's getting very frustrating to you, and you you don't even know if you can handle this anymore in the relationship, and you want the how-to deal with these, then you can send me a message as well. It is today is March 23rd, 2026. So if you get this in the next couple of days, you hear this in the next couple of days, feel free to send me an email at hello. At kristenbrown.org. Thanks for listening, everybody. Remember you matter. Remember that you're a work in progress. You are not fatally flawed. You have everything it takes to heal. And I 1,000% believe in you. And it's time that you believe in yourself. Much love, everyone, and I'll see you tomorrow.