People Pleasers: Decrease Your Tolerance for Bad Behavior

Are you constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for their behavior, or tolerating things that leave you feeling drained, unseen, and resentful?

As recovering people pleasers, many of us have been conditioned to prioritize keeping the peace over honoring ourselves. We become so understanding, accommodating, and forgiving that we end up accepting behavior and situations that slowly erode our self-respect and well-being.

In this episode of Self-Healing with KB, I explore why people pleasers tend to tolerate far more than they should, the hidden costs of over-tolerating unhealthy behaviors, and how lowering your threshold for what you accept can dramatically improve your relationships, self-worth, and quality of life.

I also share personal examples from my own journey as a recovering people pleaser and the lessons I learned from tolerating things that should have been addressed much sooner.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What tolerations are and why they matter
• Why people pleasers often accept too much for too long
• The hidden emotional, mental, and relational costs of over-tolerating
• The difference between being patient and abandoning yourself
• How healthier self-worth naturally lowers your tolerance for unhealthy behavior
• Practical questions to help identify what you're currently tolerating

Remember, one of the greatest acts of self-love is refusing to tolerate what consistently diminishes your peace, self-respect, and well-being.

The healthier your self-worth becomes, the lower your threshold for accepting what doesn't honor who you are.

💖 If this episode resonates with you, please like, subscribe, and share it with someone who may need this message today.

For FREE Resources, 📖 Book Link, 📝 Quizzes, 👚 Self-Love Merch Shop, 🗣️ 1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

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Kristen 0:00

Hello, hello everyone, and welcome to Self-Healing with KB, where we strengthen the most important relationship we will ever have, and that is the one we have with ourselves. Because no relationship will impact your life more than the one you have with you. All change starts on the inside first. And when you change your inner world, you change your life. In today's episode, we're going to be exploring why recovering people pleasers tend to tolerate far more than they should. The hidden costs of over-tolerating unhealthy behaviors and situations, and how lowering your threshold for what you accept can dramatically improve your self-respect, your relationships, and your overall quality of life. As recovering people pleasers, one of the biggest shifts we can make is lowering our tolerance for things that compromise our well-being, our self-respect, our nervous system, and our peace of mind. Many people pleasers tend to pride themselves on being understanding, patient, flexible, forgiving, and accommodating. And these are all really beautiful qualities until they become backdoor excuses for tolerating behaviors, situations, and dynamics that are not healthy. And the truth is sometimes we don't even know as recovering people pleasers that we are tolerating as much as we actually are. Because built into the architecture of a people pleaser is a person who is kind, who is understanding, who is compassionate, who tends to be patient, who wants to help others. And it's kind of a mind, it's it's just a mind blow that we it is hard to understand because we are such loving and giving people that we're actually being who we are organically, but it falls into the category of tolerating too much. And I am speaking from absolute firsthand experience with this situation. My tolerance is so flipping high for things and what I put up with and what I historically put up with that I had to really do some work around this and connect back to my own body to understand how things were affecting me. Because I was so good at feeling the feels and just moving forward. I was so good at not being in connection with myself. I was so good at self-abandonment that I didn't even know what I was doing. And this can be true for other people in other areas, the patterns that we are in that we don't even know that we're in. And this is where being fully conscious and awake and aware and self-reflective is really the key. It is the entry point into healing these things, but first we must become aware. Interestingly, part of my entry point into becoming aware of my tolerations was sharing a story with someone else and them looking at me like, oh, hell no. And I say this from so much humility. I just looked at them like, this is a hell no, isn't it? Like, and they're like, Kristen, oh my God. It didn't feel like that to me because I had trained myself for so long to just blow things off and not rock the boat, not create a problem. I didn't want to be yelled at. I didn't want to be accused of something. I didn't want to be looked like I was insane for my feelings or my boundary or my upsetness. So I just learned to tolerate. And I remember one particular thing that stands out so clearly to me is when my best friend at the time and me and my husband were at our house. This is my tsunami ex, and she had been drinking. I can't remember the, I don't remember the scenario. Like, were we out somewhere? Did we come back here? Were we heading somewhere? And she just came over first. I don't remember the scenario. I just remember the kids weren't there. And he went to go get something in our bedroom. It was something we were talking about. My friend and I are standing in the kitchen, and then she goes, Oh, I'm gonna go too. And she flounces down the hallway. And by the way, she's was like five, six, very long-legged, slender, wearing a miniskirt and probably four-inch heels. And she goes down the hallway, and now I'm just standing in the kitchen by myself. And I remember thinking, Well, what the heck am I doing? Like, this is my house. She, if she's going down there, I'm gonna go too. So I walk down there too, and just as I turned the corner, I kid you not, still blows my mind to this day. He was crouched down in the dresser, getting something out of the bottom drawer, which I don't remember. So when I come around the corner, and this is all on the same wall, the right wall, she has her leg extended up on the wall, like high. Now remember, she's tall and she's got heels on, which means that her business was probably close to eye level. Not literally, because she ought to be probably seven feet tall, but you get what I'm saying? Mini skirt. And I walked around the corner and I go, What are you doing? First words out of my mouth. And she dropped her leg. And this is at the point that he was standing up and turning. So this all kind of happened at once. Because he was still crouching when I walked around the corner. And I go, What are you doing? This is my best friend. And she said, Oh, ha ha ha. Ba ba ba. Laughed it off and walked out of the room. And I looked at him and I go, What the hell was that? And so we're starting to walk out of the room too. And he pulls me into the hallway bathroom and he goes, Don't make a big deal out of it. Kept like saying things like that to me. And so I just shut my mouth and didn't say anything. And it wasn't until quite a bit of time later that I couldn't tell you when. Again, this whole area of my life is such a fog. I just, there's these things that stand out like beacons, but I couldn't tell you timing and things like that. And I told one of my girlfriends, she looked at me with the look like, are you kidding me? And I said no. And she goes, Kristen, what did you do? And I said, I didn't do anything. Do you know it was in that moment, that moment, that I thought, why don't I stand up for myself? Why don't I speak up? Why do I tolerate these shenanigans? And the truth is, I had tolerated so much for so long that it just felt natural to me. So when he said to me, Don't say anything, okay, there was no question. It was like, all right. What I was really looking for, to be honest, was for him to look at me and say, What the heck was that? I don't know what that was, Kristen, but that was that's not cool. And then maybe say later something to the effect of, you need to reconsider your friendship with her, because that put me in a very weird position and blah, blah, blah. You know, something that supported me, but he didn't support me. He basically supported her, which made me start to think if there was something weird going on, because there was another situation that happened as well. And this is when he and I were in a very, very, very bad place. And he had someone that came to town from South Africa to visit with some guy that he flew with, and we went out to some, it's a kind of a restaurant bar that had a band and stuff. And we were there pretty early, and she was there. I didn't know this. I did not know she was going to be at this place. She was on a like a first date from a dating website or something like that. Now she knew all the shenanigans that he had pulled up into this point. I don't need to outline them, outline them for you guys because first of all, I'm not sure if it's appropriate, but second of all, it's a lot, and just know I'm not wrong. Who's sending up all those loves? So I think it's Anita. She's getting this. Oh, it's Rudy. Oh, yes. Hey, Rudy. So we're taking the buddy out, and she comes like around the corner. She was standing somewhere, and we walked up and I said, Oh, name. Oh, oh, what are you doing here? And she's like, Oh, I'm on a first date with this person. And then she sees my husband, where she is full aware because I have cried on her shoulder, not literally, but cried in her presence and shared all of the distress that he had been creating in my life. And she hadn't seen him in a while. And she says his name, she kind of jogs over to him again in a mini-skirt and big big old heels, something to that effect. She grabs his shoulders, she jumps on him and straddles him like a straddle hug. I looked at him, I looked, I'm like, what? Again, she was intoxicated, and I saw the guy that she was dating the first date look like we were all just completely frozen. You know, I don't know that the friend, our friend didn't. I think he was just like, okay, maybe this is just part of the dynamics here. I don't know. He didn't really look, but I looked at that other guy. He didn't look at me because he was looking at this. We didn't have eye contact, but I I remember being my jaw on the ground, his jaw on the ground. I I don't even know if he stuck around, to be honest with you. I don't remember what happened exactly because this was sheer chaos in my life at this time. Never a word, never a thing. It was almost like it was natural that she did that. In hindsight, I wonder if there was something going on behind the scenes that I didn't know about because she had expressed to me at some point how she wished she could find a guy like him. Something, I don't know, somehow she expressed to me that she was attracted to him. Again, as a friend, I didn't think anything of it. Yeah, Terry said, at the very least, desperate for attention. Yeah. Oh, for sure. I mean, she was very desperate for attention. But, mmm, there were other things that I won't get into. But my point is, because the whole point of this conversation today is my toleration. I never said a word. I never said a word. And then it was years later when something came up that she did, and I was starting to get my, you know, some foundation underneath me. And she did something that was very betraying to our friendship. And I mentioned it to her, and basically she said to me, I get to do whatever I want to do. That's what she said. We never spoke again. From that point forward, it was at done. Years. Never said it. That was it. So when I finally did speak up, I got what I inadvertently feared would happen. Because people please, we fear these type of things. We fear that these people will leave or that they're gonna think we're crazy or there's something wrong with us, or what's wrong with you? No big deal. Does anybody relate to this? That feeling? I'm sure you do. I would just love to see your emojis if you do. It was these type of tolerations that after I spoke to that one friend, all right, I see you guys, yes. Thank you. After I spoke with that one other friend, her name was Kelly, you know, this is the thing, she looked at me like Kristen, no. And you guys, God bless my little heart. I mean, seriously, I looked back on that time, that conversation, and and remember thinking, it's not okay, is it? No, it's it's it's not. You're you're right. Yeah. So that's what we're talking about today, y'all. We're talking about these situations that we continue to put up with in our lives. And the truth of all of this is what we tolerate, we actually teach. We are inadvertently making it okay that they're doing the things that they are doing. Because we tolerate and tolerate and tolerate. And you know what? Not shocking that I taught my friend that it was okay to do what she was doing because I never said a word. But when I started to get some strength and I spoke up and I said, hey, not cool, she left. That was it. Never heard another word from her. And that's why one of the mind blows of the healing journey is you're going to lose people. Because at some point along the way, you're going to speak up about something because you're getting stronger, your worth is increasing, you're decreasing your tolerations, and you're going to speak up, and then people are going to leave your life. They will. So now, not only are you navigating the feelings of what they've done, now you're navigating the feelings of abandonment and the question marks that come with that. Do you see a pattern here of no protection, no loyalty in my life? And it goes on and on in so many different areas. And this is why I call myself still a recovering people pleaser. Now, my tolerance has decreased immensely. I now speak up and do all the things. And yet I can still in some areas feel myself tolerating. And for the most part, the reason is these days is because I just don't want the drama, but it is self-noted. And I do tend to minimize time with them or move myself away from the person and things like that, if at all possible, depending on who the person is. So we got to stop teaching these people that what they're doing is okay. Because every time that we tolerate something that violates our values, our needs, our boundaries, our self-worth, we're sending a message to ourselves and to the other person that not only is it acceptable, but that we're not worth more than that. So what are some examples of tolerations? Now you guys already know, and this is just a small list. It's nothing, it's definitely not all inclusive. Tolerations are things that drain your energy, create resentment, diminish your self-respect, leave you feeling unseen, unheard, or unimportant. They're things that hurt you. They're things that are uncool. They're things that you feel deeply. You get that gut punch or that heart constriction. I'm a person who, and this is just explaining me in the past, I don't like not being happy. And this is not like a toxic positivity type situation. It's just I feel good. I like feeling good. I like being high vibration. And boy, I manifest like a mofa when I'm in that space. That's where life is flowing for me. That's when I am on the jet airliner barreling through life energetically. That's when it's all working for me. And I like that space. So I didn't sit in the feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, disloyalty, unkindness. I didn't sit in those things for very long. And I'm not saying this is right or wrong, by the way. This is just an is. It's just how I rolled. And I'm still that way. I still don't like to roll around in drama. I'll speak up, I'll talk about it, want to move the needle, but if it goes on and on, I'm like, no, I'm I'm past the point of sitting in this for too long because I'm not gonna tolerate the person not listening, believing, taking ownership or these type of things any longer. I just nope, I'm gonna remove myself from that situation. So some examples could be you're tolerating being interrupted. I heard Glenn Doyle once on her podcast say interrupting is violent. It feels violent. Now, violent might be a big word, but you, you know, she's a writer, she's creative. You guys understand. And I thought, my God, it does. That's a great way to describe it because you're talking, you're sharing your heart, you're telling a story, and someone just comes barreling in over you. I don't know about you all, but that always feels like a slap in my face or a punch in my heart. And I and I get it. And I have worked with this because in certain situations where there's five or six people gathered and everybody's talking at once, okay. But when there's maybe two or three and you're telling something and somebody comes barreling in over you and just starts telling their thing, it feels very violent. It feels very disrespectful. Anyway, going off on that, but that's one of the places that you could be tolerating. Broken promises, lack of reciprocity, disrespectful, disrespectful treatment, mean comments disguised as jokes, being expected to carry all the emotional labor, continuing to put your needs last, or to accept that somebody else does not make your needs a priority. And sometimes tolerations can feel small. They feel like, eh, this isn't really a big deal. Or we have watched somebody in our life model it for us. So the brain picked it up as this is okay. Oh, this person yells and screams and throws things, and you watched your parent tolerate it or stay calm during it, which inadvertently taught us this is what happens, and that the best response is just to stay calm. But it happens over and over and over again. So then now we enter into these type of relationships and we're doing the same thing because it's what the brain was taught to do. But these things add up over time. And pretty soon we have abandoned ourselves so much and we're in so much pain that we don't even know which way is up. It's kind of like so this happened to me in Hawaii once. I got pelted with a wave. I am an Arizona girl. I'm not used to waves. I was 21 years old, or 23 years old. I'm sorry, it was my honeymoon with my first husband. I got pelted. I mean, this wave, I wasn't even that far out, to be honest with you, but it was where they were breaking. It knocked me down. It rolled me in rocks that were underneath. I think it took my bottoms off and my top was skewed to the side. So basically I'm standing up with like all the splendor and glory hanging out. But for a moment there, I didn't know where was up, where was down, where was left, where was I didn't know anything. That's how this can feel because this compounds over time. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts, where you're just sitting here and you don't even know which way is up or what is the way through, or if you're even right. If your feelings are even valid, we convince ourselves things like that's not that big of a deal. You know, I don't want to make waves. I don't want to create a problem here. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I should just be more understanding. They didn't mean it. I'm laughing, you guys, because this is on the other side of this stuff for the most part. The things that we say to ourselves is mind-blowing. But I just want to take a moment right now to just hug that part of you that didn't know any better. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever are my conversations about shame or about judging yourself or making yourself wrong or bad. We don't know what we don't know. I have so much compassion for younger Kristen. Poor thing. First of all, she's a rock star. I'm just gonna tell you that straight up. She is a rock star. And she had no clue. She just kept doing and going and thinking that this was correct, and there was nobody around her, no wise mentor, no school teacher, no father, no auntie or uncle that said, girl, that taught my brain something different. It's really fascinating when I talk to my youngest, who is now 20. She was raised with a more healed Kristen, a more healed mom. So watching her navigate situations, she has not a lot of tolerance. Shocking, right? Not really. And she will stop up and say things or do things way faster than I ever did back in her age at 20 years old. Like it was, it was pretty much non-existent with me. And I watch her do things and I'm in awe. And I say, I'm so proud of you. Good for you for not putting up with this or whatever the story. And I'll say, Me at 20 would have done this. And she just looks at me and she goes, Mom, it just blows my mind that that's who you were. I'm like, Sister, it blows mine. But she was raised with somebody who was having these conversations. With her, I was not. You likely were not if you're identifying with this. We need to give ourselves compassion and understanding for not knowing. We didn't know. We were just doing what we thought we were supposed to be doing, or what the brain picked up and told us that we were supposed to be doing. So if you recognize any of this inside yourself current, present day, again, be gentle. Self-love means being gentle with yourself as we're navigating this sometimes very confusing, topsy-turvy, and chaotic journey that we're on. Be gentle. Don't judge you. That's literally like saying, you can't speak Japanese. Oh my God, you're so terrible. You can't speak Japanese at 16, 20, 25, 40, and then judging you for it. We don't know what we don't know. The reason why we tolerate what hurts us, the bottom level, is because we fear, whether it's conscious or unconscious, we fear what might happen if we don't tolerate it. Where are we going to go from here? What's going to happen from here? And again, like I said, this takes root inside of us. For me, there was not a conscious moment where I said, Hey, I'm afraid that this is going to happen. But yet I have coached people through that scenario where they say things like, Well, I'm afraid if I speak up, then this is what's going to happen. And it depends on who the person is, the receiver of them speaking up of what will happen. I can never predict that. I don't know the person. If they're a person that you attracted from a level of unworthiness and made everything about them, chances are the fear might come true. Because you attracted them on that level that they were more important than you, and they wanted somebody who makes them important. Remember, the takers attract the givers because they want someone that gives to them. As a people pleaser, we're the overgiver. As a selfish or narcissistic type person, they are the overtaker. So we fit like a key to a lock. So chances are, yeah, when we do speak up, it may not go well. And they might leave, just as was the case with my friend. And this was a shocking revelation to me with my friend because when we friended each other, that one with the leg on the wall and straddling my former husband. When we met, she was a non-drinker and she was married. And I remember going to some party one time and she did not have a drink. And I remember asking her, like, Oh, you're not gonna have a drink? And she goes, she goes, No, husband doesn't allow me to drink. And then sort of kind of was said maybe that there was a problem there, kind of. But again, in my typical way, I just kind of blew it off. Well, when they got divorced, homie started drinking again. So in my head, I was like, is this alcohol induced or is this really who she is? So we had bonded and made friends from a non-alcoholic level first. But when the stakes got higher and she started doing things, and there were so many other little, little micro things that she would do too, that I didn't speak up about. And there might be some time in my, you know, I said there wasn't, but there could be some times. Well, I don't, I don't really don't think there was, because I don't think I was coming to people with my stuff to finish my sentence to make it clear. There might have been some times where I was like, well, I don't want to say anything because they might blank. That that might be in my history. I just don't can't recall a time right now. But but I think for the most part, nobody was guiding me to say anything either. Nobody was saying, hey, not okay. Because I was probably also surrounded by people who were not gonna rock the boat either. So they certainly were gonna tell me to. Marie said, Oh, you reminded me of a very unsettling moment in my life. I'm sorry, Marie. I hope that wasn't, uh, should I trigger warned? I don't know. I hope it was in a good way and that it's helping you to heal it a little bit more than maybe you had before. Okay, and I read those other two. Okay, okay. So the hidden cost of high tolerance is it will include resentment, exhaustion, anxiety, loss of self-trust, emotional disconnection, feeling invisible, burnout, feeling like you don't matter, feeling like nobody's on your team. And eventually the relationship is going to suffer anyway because of what we have accumulated. We've accumulated these feelings and these uh ways of being that that, of course, is going to be demonstrated out anyway. Resentment, and you know, no judgment on resentment, whether you're carrying it or not. It's just part of the gig. Okay, we'd have to look at these things neutrally, everybody. But resentment has us acting in ways that are going to disrupt the relationship's health. So their behavior disrupted it, but now we didn't speak up or we tolerated it and moved on, but now we're building up resentment. The resentment is going to now be the problem. At least when we speak up or we set a boundary, the energy is actually moving a little bit. And hopefully, if the stars are aligned and Venus is not in retrograde, I'm kidding about that, that the person will say, I understand. That was uncool of me. I want to, I want to see by a show of emojis, how many times, again, this is just for information purposes. How many times can you look back in, or can you look back in your past and see the times where you just didn't say anything? Where the thing happened and you just didn't say anything. Anybody? Okay.

unknown 28:08

Yeah.

Kristen 28:09

Again, no judgment. We're not judging about all right, I'm seeing everybody. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Terry said lots. Steven said yes. Okay. So you just didn't say anything. And then later the relationship crashed and burned anyway. Marie said probably a lot.

unknown 28:29

Yeah.

Kristen 28:31

I mean, it's not always fun to look back on these things, everyone, and to remind ourselves of those times that we were weak, those times where, again, we were trained in a particular way not to speak up, because let's say there was, like I said, people around you, your parents or whoever were just saying, brush it under the rug, forget about it. Oh my gosh. I vaguely in the back of my mind, it it crept in and crept out again. But there was something where I was gonna speak up about something, and my mom literally patted me and goes, No, no, no, no, don't say anything. I was literally taught to tolerate. I can't remember the exact example. If I had it in my head, that I would share it with you. But I was taught to tolerate. We have to decrease this threshold, guys. Healthy people have lower tolerance thresholds. People with good self-worth have lower tolerance thresholds. They tend to address the issue sooner. They don't wait until they're furious, they don't wait until they're emotionally depleted, they don't wait until years of resentment have piled up. They notice something is off or they've been mistreated, and they address it. And unfortunately, not all addressings of issues are handled. Some people are gonna fight you, they're gonna try to make you wrong, they're gonna deflect, they're gonna apologize without any change. They're not gonna meet you at the thing that you're addressing. And then we have other individuals who care about you, truly. And they'll say, gosh, I'm really sorry that my behavior impacted you that way. I don't ever want you to feel like that. I want you to have a really great experience of me. I'm gonna change this. And you know, it's it's kind of a habit of mine, so it's gonna take a couple times, but just please know it's gonna be the forefront of my head and feel free to bring it up again if I do it again. I've said that before. I talked about my socks on the counter, and this is this is not really about tolerance, but it's an example of how I change something because my son, I was my socks are on and off all the time, all day long, because my feet are hot, my feet are cold, and they like they regulate regulate my body temperature. And so I'll take them off and then I'll just set them on the counter without thinking about it or on the table or what have you. And my son one day said, Mom, your socks are always on the counter. It grosses me out. Can you not do that? Now, in my mind, who cares? It doesn't bother me. I don't care if someone's with nine foot island, it's not anywhere near food, it's just way over there in the corner. But I said, if it really bothers you, then yes. He's like, Well, of course it does, mom. It's gross, it's this, it's that. And he went on again, doesn't bother me. But I showed up for him. He doesn't want the socks on the counter. And I said, Okay, I will. But then I noticed that there was probably, I don't know, five, six, seven times since he asked that, that I saw the socks on the counter. That's how automatic it was for me. I don't know if I'm carrying him around. I don't even know. It's unconscious, but I'll just set him there. I think what it is is I set him there while I do something else, and then I don't pick them back up again. I think that's what it is. So I kept noticing, I kept picking them up, like, oh my God, my socks are on the counter. And I texted him and I said, Do you know that I've picked my socks up off the counter probably five or six times since you asked me? And he laughed and he said, Yeah, I know it's a it's a big thing. You do it a lot. I was like, Yeah. But my point is that he made a request that bothers him. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I know it bothers him. I understand why it would. It's not like I'm crazy, but I understand why it would. Some of you were like, Kristen, that's grossing me out, and that's okay. I'm sorry, you guys, I won't put socks on the counter in your house. But to me, it didn't really bother me. I didn't see a problem with it, but it was a problem for him. I understood why it could be a problem for him, because people don't like socks and shoes and stuff like that on surfaces. I get it. So I did it. I owned it, took responsibility, and made the change. But this doesn't always happen, you guys, because people are in habits and patterns of doing the things that they have always done. And you can keep bringing it up to them, and they're gonna they're going to keep doing the thing that they've always done. Because may they maybe they don't see it as a problem. Maybe they don't agree with you. Maybe they don't want the discomfort of change. Maybe they want to focus on other things in their life rather than looking at the thing that's hurting you and saying, I'm gonna make this a priority for me. Obviously, I made it a priority because he has not once since he asked me to do that, said, Mom, here's your socks again. I've caught it, but he has not. That's because I made it a priority. Oops, I'm about to go down that road. I'm gonna grab it and I'm gonna correct this right now. And I went to him and told him so that he knew I'm doing the work, I'm paying attention. That tells someone that we care. Also, we need to understand that having a lower tolerance for a lower threshold for tolerations is really not about being rigid or demanding. Now, some people are going to call you that because they don't want to change. Again, don't make a big deal. What's the big deal? Don't call me out on my stuff because I don't want to look at myself. I don't want to take the energy and effort it takes to change myself. So by you shining the light on it, I'm gonna make you wrong. You must understand is by lowering your threshold for the ish that's coming your way does not mean you're rigid or demanding, even though others around you might try to play it off that you are. This is where filling our worthiness cup, knowing our worth, and healing our inner world plays such a vital role in teaching others how to treat us, because we will not buy into their view of or narrative of the situation as easily as we would have back in the day when we had low self-worth and we were not honoring, protecting, and taking care of ourselves. This is why I talk about self-love being the miracle cure. Because when you heal that inner world, everything looks different. And if you're dealing with someone who has never healed their inner world, they're going to look at you like you're crazy because they don't like the way you're making them feel. I want you to consider this. They don't like you shining light or making a request. Did it feel good to me, honestly, when my son said, Mom, can you leave your socks on the counters all the time? You know, can you please stop doing that? It grosses me out. Did that feel good to me? Absolutely not. It didn't feel good. There was a little like, uh, feeling that I had inside. But did I act on it? Did I make him wrong? No. I understood where he was coming from. It makes sense, and so I did the thing that's going to make him feel better. That's it. That's respectful. That's it. But some people can't get past that first initial feeling of when you're speaking up about the behavior. They can't get past that. They don't want to look at themselves because it feels weird, it hurt them. And and now, because quote unquote, because you've now hurt them, by the way, yes, that's the way they see it. They want you to be wrong. So any request you make, please stop yelling at me, please lower your voice, please, whatever. Anything that's pointing at them, they can't stand it. Because they don't like the way it feels from that initial uh feeling of somebody saying you're doing something I don't like. But again, when you fill your worthiness cup, you'll hear those things, and the uh is probably about a two as opposed to a 10. It's very manageable because it's not being processed through your shame and unworthiness filter. It's being processed through your level of self-worth. You know that they're pointing something out in you does not mean that you are a bad person or you are fatally flawed. I hope this is making sense to all of y'all. I really do. So, what we can do is to ask ourselves right now, if it is safe to do so, grab a pad of paper and pen. If you're listening while driving or doing something else and you don't have one, you can always listen to the replay. This one will always also probably make it to my podcasts. So you can listen to the edited version there. That just means I cut out long spaces and things like that. What behavior of someone else am I excusing that I shouldn't be? Let me tell you, Kristen, today, Kristen, even five, 10 years ago, after my tsunami, after my college of Kristen, and continuing to do the work, had my friend put their leg up on the wall in front of my husband like that, now, I would have been like, what are you doing? And I wouldn't have let her blown it off. I would say, that is completely disrespectful. I would have made it blatantly clear what was unacceptable to me. That's the difference between healing our inner world and not healing our inner world. You guys know what I say. The beginning of all of my talks, all change starts on the inside first, and when you change your inner world, you change your life. That's how my life has changed. Because I won't tolerate that stuff anymore. That's not okay with me. Another question is that you can ask yourself is what keeps happening that I wish would stop? What we're trying to do is to bring things that you have probably unconsciously tolerated, just pushed aside, ignored, whatever. It's bringing them up to light. So that's what these questions are designed for. What keeps happening that I wish would stop? Another question. Where am I betraying myself to avoid disappointing or upsetting someone else? Where am I betraying myself to avoid disappointing or upsetting someone else? What conversations am I avoiding? What conversations am I avoiding? Where am I not speaking up? What topic am I evading and staying away from? Lowering our threshold is not in any way, shape, or form about controlling. It's about honoring yourself. We cannot control whether somebody else changes, but we can control what we accept. We can control what we participate in. And we can control what we are continuing to invest our precious energy into. When your threshold becomes healthier, you'll stop making excuses for people. You'll stop hoping somebody notices your needs and you'll speak up. You'll communicate more clearly and more quickly. You will hold your boundaries, you will trust your instincts, you will take action when a pattern emerges, and you will remove yourself from situations that consistently violate your values or harm you in a mentally, emotionally, hopefully not physically way. One of the greatest acts of self-love is refusing to tolerate what consistently diminishes your peace, your well-being, your nervous system, and your self-respect. As a recovering people pleaser, our job is not to learn how to give to others more or give more to others. Our job is to learn how to give more to ourselves. We're stellar at giving to other people. We are we knock that out of the park. It is normal and natural for us to give to other people. But what's not happening is we're not giving to ourselves. We're not respecting ourselves, we're not protecting ourselves, we're not um standing up for ourselves. So as a recovering people pleaser, our growth is learning to return back to the self, to stop self-abandoning, and to truly tend to and take care of ourselves the way we so generously and lovingly and consistently take care of other people. It's about learning to stop giving and accepting and tolerating at the expense of our well-being. We begin the journey of returning back to self simply through awareness. That is the first step. Is becoming aware of what we're tolerating, of where we're hiding, playing small, not speaking up, continuing to believe that someone's going to change who is not going to change, who has no desire to change. We return back to ourselves, we start being the best possible guardian of our inner being. And we say to ourselves, what do I need in this moment? Because again, it's never about changing them. It's about setting a boundary and doing and what I call an action boundary, which is you set the boundary, you say, Here, here's what I'm not going to tolerate anymore. And I always say, say it was with respect and kindness and assertiveness. Call them assertive, what Cesar Milan talks about. It's about setting up the boundary and saying, This is where my line is with you. I won't tolerate that anymore. But then the follow-up that I talk about in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, is what's called an action boundary. And an action boundary is if they continue to cross that line, you now do something in the form. Of an action that keeps you safe, protected, and respected. Which could mean you distance yourself from the person, you hang up immediately on the phone when they do whatever it is they're doing, you stop engaging in a conversation, you remove yourself. That's what's an action boundary is a boundary is setting it, speaking it, saying what you what is no longer acceptable or tolerable for you, and how you choose to be treated from this point forward. And then the action is being willing to follow up with action if that line is crossed again. I didn't have any teachers, you guys. I had no mentors. Everything that I've learned and the wisdom that I've gained on this journey came from the front lines. It was boots to dirt. It was me figuring this out one step at a time because nobody around me was teaching me, supporting me. I didn't even know it was a thing. I just knew that when the pain of the same things happening over and over and over again got so great, I had to find a way to make it stop. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not somebody who would off myself, but I felt like I just didn't want to be here anymore. Because the pain was too great. And I said, no, wait a minute. If this person is causing the pain, how about removing yourself from the person that's causing the pain? You don't stay in it and get yourself depleted and then feel like you don't want to be here anymore. When you are a person that has power, you can pull back, you can step aside, you can move away, you can break up, you can divorce, you can quit the job, you can get transferred to another department. There's many things that we can do. That's what being sovereign in self means. It means pulling back and saying, mm-mm. I'm not doing that. And here's the most important part. And who gives a flying frog what they think? Part of this whole thing is getting comfortable with the tantrums, the lies, the misperceptions that is going to be coming at you. You it's enough that you know for you. It has to be enough that you know for you. You know what doesn't fit, you know what doesn't work, you know what doesn't click, you know what hurts, you know what feels abusive, you know what crushes you or makes you feel small or diminishes you, or whatever it might be. You know that's enough. The reason why is reason enough. That was that actually came as a channeled message in my theta brainwave state about a week ago. I made an Instagram reel on it that has blown up. People love that thing. But the reason why is reason enough. And what it is, what that means is you don't need to convince anybody, not even the person doing the thing. If they're committed to not taking accountability or understanding, believe them. But your job is to take care of you. Your job is to protect you. Okay, you have a message on the back channel. Okay. Leah said it's hard to draw the line between tolerance and picking my battles to save my sanity and my peaceful environment. Don't get me wrong, I will rock the boat and raise the alarms when I feel it's important. But that line that differentiates the threshold can shift depending on my internal reservoir. Absolutely. By the way, Leah, create self-connection. What I heard in that is you being very aware of you. And I want to applaud you for that. Because there's sometimes, guys, where we're like, you know what, I don't even have the energy to go there right now. And that's okay. It's absolutely okay if you feel that way. Okay. You are welcome, Leanne. Remember, one of the greatest acts of self-love, one of the greatest acts is respecting and protecting yourself by refusing to tolerate what is hurting you, what is diminishing your peace and well-being. Rome's not built in a day. Dumb cliche statement, but so incredibly true. Rome is not built in a day. This is gonna take some time for you to speak up and then to follow through. You're gonna have to weed and navigate, you weed out and navigate through the people that are gonna show up for you and the ones that aren't. You may lose some people along this journey, okay? But the people that we lose on our journey, they were never going to be willing to change in a healthy way, change and grow in a healthy way, anyway. So if you lose them, you lose them. There's gonna be somebody else that comes along that's gonna fill that space because you have now chosen better for yourself. And I always say that sends a rocket ship of truth to the universe, a vibrational frequency of this is not okay. I'm done with this. I'm willing to lose whatever I need to lose to love myself and respect myself and protect myself in the best possible way. Universe receives that. And typically the void that was created from that person leaving gets filled with someone that matches that new energy, which is a big win. Massive win. Thanks so much for being here, everybody. I appreciate all your back channel comments. I appreciate your emojis. I love that you came to this conversation. And I look forward to having you here again tomorrow for another episode of Self Healing with KB live here on Moon Five. Much love, everybody.