Why does change feel so hard? How to actually move forward

Change isn’t hard because you’re incapable. It’s hard because you’re letting go of the version of you that feels familiar. In this episode, we break down why growth feels uncomfortable, why you keep resisting it, and what it actually takes to move forward.

For more honest conversations, advice, and real life application, follow along on our socials @TheSelfTrials. If you’re ready to go deeper and actually do the work, explore our courses and journals designed to guide you through your own Self Trials on our website

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to the self-trials where we cut through all the fluff and get real about what it actually takes to build your dream life. Jumping straight into the stuff you don't want to hear but need to hear, I'm your host Kain, and today we are talking about why is change so difficult and how to actually move through it. Because everyone says they want their dream life, they want to create this dream reality, they want to become them dream their dream selves. But obviously, change is actually hard because if change was easy, everyone would do it. We would all be changing our lives all the time. We would all have all the things that it is that we want. And what's funny about it is change is actually very simple. So when we really think about like what change is, it should be a very easy thing to do, right? It's like, okay, well, I want to be someone who like I want to change my physique. Okay, well, then I just start going to the gym, right? Simple. Or, oh, I want to start making X amount of money. Okay, well then I just start doing this kind of job, or I just have to start making this product. And it's like it change seems like such a simple concept, or even as simple as going, okay, I want to start becoming someone that goes to the gym. Okay, all you have to do is go to the gym, right? Like it should be easy. So then it's like, why is it actually so hard? And why do all of us start to feel so much resistance? So I'm gonna talk you guys through kind of the process that happens and also mindset shifts that you can use to actually start to work through that. Because I think a huge thing is people just aren't aware of what your mind and body honestly is going through when you're going through the process of change. Because if you just assume that you are like, oh, I have this goal, you would think that your your mind and body would be working with you in order to achieve it, but it's actually can be working against you when you don't when you don't have the awareness of what is actually happening. So that's kind of the first section that I want to start with is just like what is actually happening within your body and within your mind that is causing all of this resistance within you. So you're not broken, you're not an outlier, you're not the only person that struggles to make change. This is the same thing that happens for everyone. The only thing that's different between different between you and another person is that they just understand that what they are going through is normal and they continue to push through anyway, so they can actually get to the other side of it. So I first want to kind of map this out in more of a metaphor because I feel like it's easier to have an understanding when you can have like a mental picture of what's going on. So right now, this is you over here. This is what I call my bridge of discomfort. You are on this side of the bridge. And now there is a huge, massive bridge that gets you to all the things that you want. So over here is your current life, it's who you currently are, and here on the other side of the bridge is all the things that you want. It's the life that you want, it's the friendships that you want, it's the relationship you want, it's the job that you want, everything, all the shiny new objects, the car, the house, it's all over here, right? So you are over here and you can see everything and you can look at it and go, oh my gosh, I want all these things. Like I desire them, you're visualizing them, you're doing all this work and saying, okay, this is the goal that I have. So when you think about change, it should be very simple to just go, okay, all I have to do is walk across the bridge. Like the bridge doesn't even really have, I mean, you could fully add like ups and downs to this bridge, right? But even if the bridge is just flat, it's like, okay, all you have to do is walk across. How hard can it be, right? And so what someone does is they go, okay, I'm gonna start to take a few steps out. I'm gonna start to walk away from my old life a little bit. Well, as you start to walk away from your old life, you realize that everything from over here, it can't come with you. You have to actually walk out alone. And so people take one or two steps and all of a sudden they go, oh, wait, wait, wait. Actually, you know what? This life over here, this life that seems super desirable, maybe I don't actually want it that bad because it requires me to lose some friends. It requires me, because maybe some people now aren't supportive of you as you start to walk out this way. Maybe they're supportive of you at the beginning, which tends to happen where everyone's cheering you on, they're like, Yes, you're gonna kill this, do this, woo, woo, all these different things. And you'll notice as you start to walk further and further out from the bridge, well, people slowly start to fall off and they're not as supportive. And you don't have people comment, maybe you're trying to post on social media and your friends started by commenting on all your posts because it was new, it was exciting, they were trying to be supportive. But as you post more and more in the demands that is actually social media, and this is just one example, right? They might not be commenting on everything that you're posting, which doesn't even always mean that they're not supportive. It's just that when you're increasing the volume of content that you're doing, they just might they have their own life, right? So they might not always be able to comment and support every little thing that you're doing. So you start to feel lonely, you start to feel alone, and you're like, oh, I'm losing this thing. So that's when you go, okay, actually, you know what? I'm just gonna go back. So you walk all the way back to the bridge. Maybe it wasn't a very long walk back because you didn't get very far to begin with, but that that happens all the time, right? So that's our your first layer of resistance that starts to come up is you're just losing everything, and it's scary, right? And then internally you start to feel so many different things. You're like, I feel uncomfortable, and usually it's you feel these things because of what's happening external. So you feel uncomfortable, you feel scared, you feel resistance, all of these things. And so you walk back and you hang out back here and you go, okay, you know what? My life isn't so bad. I like my life, it's fine, it's good. But out of the corner of your eye, you can still see all of these things that you want, right? And over time, you keep looking at these things and keep looking at them and go, no, you know what? I I do, I do really want these things. So ultimately, which is like our deepest desires, they they they will stay with us and they will only get louder and louder until you fulfill them. And I think that also just comes from a place of living out your true purpose and your highest calling. Like that pull that happens. Like, even me being here in Bali, which is like this is a little bit of a sidetrack that I'll just share a little bit, is the fact that I'm here, like I get chills talking about it because it just feels so incredibly right and aligned. And I'm like, oh my gosh, like no wonder my soul was so uncontent and so unhappy where I was. And it's like it's a level of unhappiness that you don't even realize you're like that unhappy because you're like, oh well, I I like my life, right? Like because I liked my life in LA. Like I liked what was my systems, I liked my routine, I liked my friends. I I at the time I had a relationship and then I had met someone else, and like I liked all these things, right? But I didn't love them. Like I wasn't in love with life the same way that I used to be. And I just had this deep emptiness and this deep knowingness that there was something more for me. And that's a great picture of being like, you can co you can exist in this world over here and be like, this isn't so bad, right? Like, not every time that your starting place sucks. Like I've been where your starting place also sucks, and you're at rock bottom and you're all these things, and you're like, I have no choice but to walk across this bridge, right? But there's other times where our life isn't so bad. Like, like it's okay. And you and you're like, I could see myself like staying here for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't be that unhappy. Like, I'd be fine, I'd be happy, right? And it's not until you you actually fulfill and reach a different level of happiness that you go, oh, this is happiness, this is this is fulfillment, like this is what life is supposed to be, right? And that's always gonna be changing as we grow and change as people, but there's just that feeling inside of you that you're meant for more. And if you feel that that is you, you have to follow it, not just for yourself, but also for the good of all. Like you have a purpose that you are meant to live out, and that feeling and that calling will only get louder and louder. So the longer you put it off, the longer you wait, the time is gonna pass anyways. You are still going to feel the feeling that you're supposed to do this thing. So you might as well do it now and start now. Because the time that it takes to get there, that's not gonna change. So you might as well go because the time is going to pass. If you want to be a doctor and you're like, oh, well, I'm already 35, it's too late for me to be a doctor. It's like, well, if it takes seven years to do school and that's the reason you don't want to do it, because you feel like, oh, I'm already 35, it's that time is gonna pass anyway. It's like you are it's seven years is going to pass, and you either are going to now be a doctor or seven years is gonna pass and you are going to be standing there going, oh, I I wish I could be a doctor. So it's like you might as well go ahead and start. Same thing, social media. If you're like, oh, I I I really want to start posting on social media, like I should start posting three times a day, but I have this going on and I have this going on, and I just feel like people are gonna be judging me and all these different things. Then what happens is that time's gonna pass. You can either have six months of result, like six months of progress or six months of regret. So it's like choose to have the progress because your deepest desires you cannot outrun. Like you will feel called to do it at some point or another. So you should just go ahead and start right now. And so that is hugely what I felt. Like I have always, and I even think back to when I was in high school, I remember I would watch videos of people in Bali, and at the time it was very quiet. Like I was just like, oh, that's cool. Like I never considered that being something where I would go. I was just like, oh, I that's like kind of a cool place. I'd love to see what that's all about, right? And then life happened. I I moved to LA, I was living out my dream. I I had gotten everything that it was I wanted. I was super happy, like on this high. And then same thing where I had kind of done that whole thing where I'd walked across the bridge, and we're gonna get to the rest of the bridge in a second. But then I had gotten here and I existed in this world. And when you exist in your new world, you also learn new things. You learn new things about yourself, you get new experiences, which ultimately change the way in which you're viewing everything and change your desires. And it's also just that's just how life is, right? We're always constantly growing and expanding. And so then that's when I was like, oh my gosh, wait, I still feel this deep calling to Bali. I was like, I don't know what it is about this place. And I I went on a trip here and I was only here for 10 days, and and it was nice to see the the island and see the place, and I and I could feel that it was an amazing place, but I didn't get to feel Bali in its full capacity to what it is now and like what I'm living in. And so I came back from that trip and I was like, oh, that was like, I'm so glad I did that. That was really great. And now I'm so glad I did it because I've understood and learned that those 10 days and that trip that I took was setting me up to feel confident to move. Because I, if I had never visited here before, I wouldn't have been like, oh, I'm gonna fully like move here, you know, because I I did would have never been here. So I'd been like, I don't know how what it's like, I don't know if I'd like it, like all these different things. But since I had gone for just those 10 days and followed that intuition, not knowing why I needed to be there, but knowing that I just needed to go, it's six, what is it, six, seven months later, almost almost a year, eight months maybe, has set me up to actually move here and and be here. And so through my breakup and through like changes within work and really just refining myself, I was like, no, I I need to move to Bali. And of course, after following that intuition, I'm here and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I cannot believe this is what was waiting for me. And so I can make a whole separate video on more of the deeper experience of that. I talked like in the past episode about me moving across the country and what that process was like. And now I can even give an update because I think that video is from about a month ago. That now I'm been living here for about two months, and I'm just like, every single day I wake up and I'm like, thank you. Like I'm literally just looking out at my view right now, and all I can think is like, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Like, I'm so glad things didn't work out the way I was I thought they were going to because they have worked out even better than I could ever imagine, and that is truly how life works. And I am going off on a tangent and something for different videos, but basically, all that to say is like what it is you desire, follow it. And just knowing that, hopefully that helps give you a little bit of motivation to actually stick through more of what we're what we're about to talk about. So, all that being said, I I had seen all these desires and I was still staying here and I had kind of walked out a little bit. I mean, hell, I even traveled to Bali for a little bit and still went back to LA, you know? And so that process is normal. You're gonna walk out a little bit, you're gonna lose a bunch of things, you're gonna get uncomfortable, and you're gonna go back. And so you're starting to feel this resistance, and you're starting to understand now why change is so difficult and why it seems like it wouldn't be, because you just have to walk. But there's so many other things that is happening within our body, within our mind, and and within our soul, truly. And so then ultimately you see all these desires again, and you go, okay, you know what? I I am gonna walk out. So those are your deepest desires, your your true potential, your highest potential, recalling you back out on this bridge. So you start to walk once again, and maybe you get a little bit further and a little bit further, and then again, you might go back, and then you might go back out, and then you might go back here, and then you try to walk across. So this going back and forth happens so many times because it's us basically having this mental battle with ourselves to be like, oh no, no, like like losing things are good, like letting things go are good. And I think as humans, we hold on so, so much to things, right? I am so guilty of this. Like, like you just like the feeling of the need to control every situation, every dynamic, because that's what makes you feel like you are in control of your life, like like that's what makes you feel like things are gonna go good for you, things are gonna work out. But the reality is it's not until you release control that you actually get to see like the true beauty of things play out because there are things happening that you can't eat you don't even know is happening, but you just have to trust that the greater good is unfolding. And so that's kind of like a like kind of a step to actually, or like the first thing to note for going when you're trying to make change easier for yourself is to just let go the expectations of how you're actually think you're supposed to get over here because I think a lot of us we think, okay, this is my goal, these are all the things that I need to do. And yes, there's a lot of action steps that are involved and all this different stuff, and I I talk more specifically about that within the creation course that I have. And so there's all of these things that you you can be doing and working towards, and that comes down to aligned action. There's so many layers to this, right? But it's knowing too that there is a greater picture unfolding and that you can know where you want to go, but you don't know exactly how it is you're gonna get there. And your job is to simply follow your instincts, follow that intuition of yours to lead you there. I truly believe that your intuition is your higher self. It's like the person that already has all the things telling you and pointing you in the direction of what it is you need to do. So when you can get so in tune with that and like really listen to that, it'll help guide you and also help pull you forward across that bridge. So, with all that being said, you then at a certain point you walk out farther enough that you get to the center of this bridge. And I want to really talk about the center of this bridge because this is where a lot of people truly just give up and they go, you know what? Like I'm done. Because this center of the bridge is when you don't have anything from your old life anymore and you don't have anything from your new life. Like you are standing in the middle of this bridge and you feel naked. You're just standing there and you're like, okay, cool. Like what am I supposed to do? And a lot of times at this point, this is where people, this is also, if you guys have heard of the emotional cycle of change, you should look that up. It's also a really great way to map out kind of the same thing I'm talking about and what you go through emotionally during change. And so the center of the bridge is kind of similar to what you would compare to the valley of despair within the emotional cycle of change. And so basically saying that, that is like your deepest, lowest point. Like, you think this like first part of the bridge is bad. No, no, no. You have to get to the center part, and this is where you are truly tested. Cause this is where you have to ask yourself if you are willing to sit with nothing so that you can get everything. I always heard the quote, like needing nothing attracts everything, but it wasn't honestly like I always knew, like, okay, like, yeah, you just need nothing, depend on nothing, like it's about the law of detachment, like let things go. That's kind of always how I perceived that quote. It wasn't until honestly the past few months that I really experienced what it actually means to sit with nothing that allows you to get everything. And it is the center of the bridge. It is sitting here and going, I have nothing from my old life, and I don't have my new life yet, but I have to stand here with nothing long enough and to continue working towards everything that I want for my future in order to actually start to slowly get the things from my future sprinkled into your life. Because what happens and what the really amazing thing is, is when you dare to stand right here and you go, I'm not gonna go back, I'm not gonna go back to this situation, I'm not gonna go back to the job, whatever that is for you, and you go, I'm just gonna hold right here, and you hold within the trust and the faith that this life and all these things that you want is meant for you, and you continue to do the work of what it is that you need to do to get here, all of a sudden you'll slowly start to get a sprinkle from your new life. You'll get, I don't know, maybe a friend from over here, you'll get maybe a love interest, you'll get maybe a paycheck, you'll start to get a little bit of money, like you might get one small side gig. Like, let's say you're doing DJing. That's the most random example ever. But if you are like, oh, I want I like want to be a DJ and you've been working towards this and you're doing all the work and you're putting everything in, and maybe all of a sudden you don't, no one's really being supportive of you, you don't have much of anything from here, and you're just standing here going, I hope this works. That first little win could simply be getting your first gig, you know? And then those little things are the things that give you motivation to keep walking across the bridge. Because once we get one or two things, we have all of a sudden the tangible feeling of reality. Because when you are existing just in the middle of this bridge, you're essentially standing within a vision. You're going, okay, I'm I am doing all this just because I think this is where I want to go. I can see everything that it is that I want, I can visualize everything that it is that I want, but I don't tangibly have anything. So when you're standing here, you have to really trust that that vision that you have for yourself is more than just a vision. It's actually a reality that's already happening that you have just yet to step into. And I think when we think about life as going, oh, this thing that I want, it already exists, it makes it so much easier to feel like it's a tangible thing that you can actually walk towards. And so when you start to get an actual tangible thing within this reality that we're living in, you go, holy crap, this is possible. I can do this. And that's when you get that extra swing of motivation and on that emotional cycle of change chart, you start to move back up and on the bridge, you start to move forward again. So you take another little step and another little step. And that's not to say you're still gonna have things come up, blocks come up of you going, Oh, am I capable of this? Can I actually do this? Like all these different things, right? Like those are still going to happen, but you have that extra motivation. Almost think of it as a rope. Like people are throwing ropes out to you now, and you can hold on to that and pull that, and that's gonna be the thing that pulls you across the bridge until ultimately you now are on this other side of the bridge and you're living the life that it is that you want. You have all the things. And once you get over here, you're gonna be like, I can't believe I didn't think this was possible. Like that's insane, right? And so that is what happens when you're going through change. And then, like I said, when you're on this side of the bridge for a while, you're gonna experience new things, you're gonna desire more stuff, you're gonna learn more stuff that ultimately makes you go, oh, I kind of want these other things, where now you have to walk across a new bridge. And that same cycle is gonna happen, right? But when you've done it, the first time is always the hardest. The first time is always the hardest. And I think that's true for nearly everything in life is the the first time is the hardest because you just lack the experience and that you lack the knowingness of what to actually expect. So even when you're working towards new and different goals, your body and your mind is still gonna go through the same thing. But when you've already done it once, you go, okay, I know what this is. Like I know if I stand here long enough, I if I stand with nothing long enough, I will get everything that I need. And then maybe when you start to walk out, you're not doing the back and forth as much, the like, I'm gonna take a few steps and then go back and then take a few steps and then go back, because you go, oh, I know that ultimately if I if I come back, I'm just gonna walk back out again. So there's all these things that you learn through the experience of actually just choosing growth and choosing expansion, and you realize that it's not woo-woo-wee, it's not like like a super spirit, it is a very spiritual process, but I think people hear spiritual and they think just like, oh, it's it's woo-woo-wee and it's fluffy and it's airy-fairy. It's like, no, it's it's just a simple process. And it's just a psychological process that can actually be broken down of what you go through in order to achieve all the things that it is that you want. And I think a lot of people would be like, okay, well, why do why do we operate this way? And I'm not gonna go too far into this. Like maybe this is a video I can say for another day. But the the reason why your your brain holds you back so much, because it really is our our minds that hold us back and why we have so much resistance and back and forth at the beginning, is because our brains are just wired for survival. Like all our brain wants to do is keep you alive. So it's gonna do everything in its power to make sure that happens. And that includes keeping you in a very comfortable position. Because the second you start to move out across that bridge, your brain's gonna have all the feelings of, like we said, uncomfortable, resistance, all this stuff, because your brain's going, oh no, no, no, this is dangerous. Like, we don't know this world, we don't know any of these people. Like, also, our we don't, as humans, like to be alone, right? Like, like we crave community, and and community is very important. And I've learned that more than ever living out here and finally living in an environment and having people that makes community so easy. I'm like, holy crap, the way that that changes your reality is insane. And I know some other people have always lived and had great community. I've never, I have not been that person. And so for me, it's been super eye-opening, but that still doesn't mean that we don't have phases of loneliness in order to find that correct community. And so, even though, and so since our our bodies and mind are like, wait, I want community, they're like, I would rather have this familiar heaven essentially than an un or of this familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven. And obviously, that doesn't have to mean your life, like we said, is horrible and awful, but it's like I would rather have a relationship than no relationship. I would rather have some friends than no friends, right? Like, like that's how your brain is like, I would rat, I would rather have that just because it feels safe and it's wired to act in that way. And then you get into also your brain is just a series of patterns. So the way you think, the way you operate is just running on autopilot all the time. Again, because your brain is just trying to automate things for you to make life simple, which can sound frustrating because you go, why, why, why is it set up so it's so difficult? But it's actually it's a great process. Like the fact that it's able to do that is fascinating and amazing. And so once you understand how your brain works and how your brain operates, you now can actually go in and choose to make it think different things that get you a different outcome. So, really, all you need is the awareness that your brain is a series of patterns to be able to have the control to change those patterns. Because the second you change those thought patterns, the second your life changes entirely. And so it actually can work a lot in our favor when we allow ourselves to become the observer and actually think of our thoughts as just like passing thoughts and just passing mental events, versus who we are. And that's a whole separate video that we'll get into at a different time, but that gives you a little bit of insight into why it is that you like feel this resistance and that it's not your brain working against you. Like it c it technically is your brain working against you, but not from like bad reasons. Like it's like your brain's trying to make things simple for you. And so that is kind of the way in which that works. And that is what you experience within change and why you feel so much resistance, even though change is supposed to be technically is just such a simple process. So I hope that gives you guys insight and motivation to keep going and that you're not some outlier that's that's struggling with something that nobody else is struggling with. Like this is the process. And honestly, the biggest way to move through that process is to just be aware of it and to be so clear on what it is that you want that the vision of what you what it is that you want is so much more powerful than what you're currently living in. And so if you want like a more step-by-step guide of how to actually move through change and actually create your dream life, I do now have uh the creation course that walks you through everything. There's a lot of videos where we talk about this, but more importantly, there's worksheets that go along with everything. You also get uh the creation journal. It's like my physical journal that I it's the exact process that I used to change my life years ago. And you it's actually something that you can do every single day with other exercises at the beginning. And we pull that into the course to kind of just show you guys how to actually use that journal and when to use certain parts to give you the best results possible. So I can't wait to hear how everything goes for you guys. The the cycle of change in the journey of change, it is it is never ending. So once you learn to fall in love with the journey and fall in love with learning about yourself along the journey, that also helps to make things so much easier and to just go, oh, this is just a process. Like I get to take this journey again, I get to have these challenges again. It's just like that mindset shift of like, I get to, I get to, versus I have to, I have to, this is hard, this is heavy, this is light, this is easy. And telling yourself too, like, this is easy. Like, we know it's not easy, right? Like the whole process isn't easy, but just saying, like, this is simple. I can do this, I'm capable. And telling yourself there's affirmations to keep you going and knowing that what you're existing in when you start to make that change is only temporary. That is the biggest thing is people think, oh, this is gonna last forever. No, this too will pass. This is temporary. It is a temporary, a temporary feeling. And when you can note that and know that for yourself, that's how you pull yourself forward and not let those temporary emotions stop you from reaching your full potential. Because the last thing I want for you is to not live out what it is you are meant to do because of a simple passing mental event. You have to be stronger than that and you have to pull through that and go, no, no, no, I am not my feelings, I am not my thoughts. I am choosing to continue showing up for the future version of myself, for my younger self, for my future children. Like whatever that piece of motivation it is, like maybe it's beyond just you. I think it's always so important for your main driving factor to be it is what you want, and it is for I think my biggest inspiration, I always say this, is my younger self and my future self, is to be able to meet my future self and to be able to make my younger self proud. Like I think always having your inspiration, your motivation rooted in you is so important. But then also, of course, if you there should be other factors that play into your motivation, other people you want to make proud, right? So when you are rooted in yourself as being the biggest motivating factor, but then you also have these other motivating factors of people around you. If you want to get healthy for your kids, if you want to make money for your parents, like what whatever that is for you, use that as extra motivation and let that be the thing that pulls you across that bridge. Find those ropes, find those things that pull you and give you that extra motivation so that when things get hard, you have that to come back to. And so with all that, I will kind of end everything here. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. If there's anything specifically you want to see me talk about, let me know on my Instagram. You can just DM the self-child's page and talk and let us know what you what it is you want to hear. I'm like tripping over my words. Let us know what it is that you want to hear. Let me know what it is that you want to hear. If you guys have any questions, please, please, please always message me. I am happy to talk back and forth. I literally send people audio messages like on Instagram DM just with advice and different things. So I love talking with you guys and I want everyone to truly get everything that is that they want out of life. And I'll see you guys in the next episode. Bye.