Confidence hacks for true confidence (not surface level)

Most people don’t lack confidence, they lack evidence. You keep trying to feel confident before you act, instead of understanding that confidence is built by doing what you say you’re going to do. In this episode, we break down why surface-level confidence doesn’t last, what real confidence actually is, and the habits that build it.

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Transcript

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Hello everyone and welcome back to the self-trials where we cut through all the fluff and get real about what it actually takes to build your dream life. Jumping straight into the stuff you don't want to hear but need to hear, I'm your host, Kaylin, and today we are talking about all things confidence and how to become a more confident person and hacks to help you do that that goes beyond just the surface level confidence that everybody talks about. I feel like when you hear the word confidence, the first thing everybody thinks about is just like, oh, what you look like, how you present yourself. Like it's a very external thing. But what a lot of people don't realize is that confidence is all internal. And that internal feeling isn't just like, oh, I think I'm so beautiful, I think I'm so hot. Like when people immediately want to start becoming a more confident person, they immediately assume that that means that they need to think they are the most beautiful person in the entire world. But the reality is that is not true at all. And if we're also being honest, like beauty is subjective. There's gonna be always someone prettier than you, there's gonna be always someone not as pretty as you, there's gonna be someone that has a better body than you, someone that has a worse body than you. And like obviously that's not at a very like black and white level, but it's like there is always gonna be someone better than you, there's always gonna be someone worse than you. And if you look also at different traits, people are gonna have certain traits that are better than yours, and people are gonna have other traits that are worse than yours. So when you try to approach confidence from that way, it just doesn't work because it's not rooted internally in who you actually are, because external confidence is so fleeting. Because also, as humans, and as we are getting older and we're changing and going through different phases of our life, we are always going to be looking different, presenting different. And so when your confidence is only rooted in an external place, it makes it really, really hard to maintain for the rest of your life and actually have that unshakable confidence. And beyond just looks, people also think that confidence is just like being loud, right? Whether that's vocally loud, maybe your opinions are loud, maybe the way you dress is very loud. And for some people, that could be their most confident, authentic self because everything comes back to authenticity and we'll talk more about that. But for other people, that's not that doesn't necessarily mean that that's what's gonna make them confident, right? Like if you naturally are more of a soft-spoken person, you can still be very soft-spoken and also very confident within that soft-spoken behavior because it's authentic and true to who you are. And actually, ironically, most of the time, when you actually are more grounded in yourself and you do speak slower and you slow down, that actually is what like more confident people tend to do because they don't feel the need to show and be like, look at me, I'm here, I'm here, everybody look at me. I'm wearing the brightest patterns, the flashiest outfits. Like, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are the most confident person. Again, like I said, for some people, if they genuinely love super colorful clothes, they love patterns, like that's just then who they are, right? And that doesn't necessarily mean that they're seeking and asking for attention, but it's coming from that place of making sure that your confidence is actually rooted in who you are. So the first step to being confident is actually identifying and really embracing your authenticity and who you are as an individual. And we talked about this a lot in the last episode about how the most magnetic people are the ones who literally just don't care and they just act so authentic and do what it is they want to do. That is also how you become a very confident person because you're just so secure in yourself that everything that you do becomes very natural, which then draws people in. And so then when people start to decide they want to become a confident person, they usually start with all of those external things, right? They go, okay, well, I need to think I'm really beautiful. So I'm gonna start saying these affirmations, I'm gonna start doing this, I'm gonna start doing that to make me feel super confident. And while all of those are really great tools, right? Like let's first talk about that. It's like when you dress, like I said, the most authentic and what makes you feel good, you are going to feel 10 times more confident. Like I can speak from experience that putting on a good outfit and putting on clothes that make you feel good, not what other people are saying that's trending or whatever the whatever's going on, it's whatever you feel best in. That is going to make you act different. So, whatever, when you get dressed in the morning, whether you're going to the gym or you're going to your job, like make a point to actually get dressed up because there was a phase in my life, like when I was at my lowest, I would throw on a t-shirt, I'd put on barely any makeup, and I would just like show up to whatever it is I had to show up to. And I never felt that great. It wasn't until I started understanding my style, understanding my fashion, what it was I actually wanted to dress like, little jewelry pieces that I wanted to add, actually doing my makeup in the morning that I started to operate differently throughout the day. So a huge first step to confidence is just figuring out who you are as a person and getting so in tune with yourself and not being afraid to show that and own that, regardless of what's trending on the internet, because trends are constantly fleeting and constantly changing. So once you can go, oh, okay, well, I like this and this makes me feel really good, you can continuously show up as that because it all comes back to, like I said, having that super strong security within self that gives you that confidence to just like own whatever it is that you're doing. And so fashion can be one element of this, but that also can play into so many other elements. And that's even like when I go to the gym in the morning, I like to put on a little bit of makeup. I like to put on an outfit, like I'm gonna go work out after this. That actually makes me feel good because I found that I show up so much better. I work so much better, I work out so much better. And it sounds silly, but truly, like getting yourself actually ready for the day and actually putting on clothes that make you feel good is the most transformative thing. And who cares if people are like, oh, you try too hard, or oh, you do this, or oh, you do that. It's like, no, who cares what they think? Like, literally, they should try more. Like, you should try more. Like, that's one thing. It's like, I think people should put effort into themselves and if it's just it's gonna give you a better outcome. And again, it's whatever it is you want to do, like that's gonna look different for every person. Like what that effort looks like and what it is you choose to put on is gonna look different for everyone. But the most important thing is that you're just doing what it is you actually enjoy. And then the other thing too is affirmations are again another great tool. So it's like, yes, you should be saying affirmations, and we've talked about in previous videos how affirmations are simply just a way to help to rewire your subconscious mind. And so when you wake up in the morning, you should be looking in the mirror and going, oh, I love my life, I love what I look like, I love my friends, I love my job. Like all of those affirmations are going to help to put you into more of a positive framework of thinking that's ultimately gonna make your life better and is gonna make you more confident. Like when you sit in the mirror, you should be looking at yourself and going, oh my gosh, I'm so beautiful. Like I love myself. I and then like pick out different features on your face that you love. It's like, oh, I love my eyes, I love my smile, like I love the way that I communicate. And so those are all external things, right? And those are good to acknowledge and they do help us. But you need to understand that affirmations without action is just simply delusion and it's not actually gonna get you anywhere. Because you hear everyone talk about, like, oh, be delusional, be delusional. It's like, yes, 100%. Like delusion in thinking ahead before I actually got the tangible reality is how I've gotten everything I wanted in life. Like you have to be delusional. But if you are just delusional without action, you are not actually ever gonna bring that delusion into your reality. So I say this because it's like if you look at yourself in the mirror and you're using affirmations as an excuse to not actually show up, you are not doing anything good for yourself. You are only holding yourself back. So you need to be looking at yourself in the mirror and going, oh, like I am so beautiful, I love my body. Well, if you're saying those affirmations, what are also the actions that go along with those affirmations? Like if you're someone that truly loves your body, loves the way that you look, are you sitting on your couch all day and not moving your body and eating the horrible, the most horrible foods for yourself? No. You're actually showing up and you're eating really healthy foods, you're going to the gym. And as you do those things, it's going to start to also make those thoughts and those things that you're saying true. Because I think a lot of people, they'll say their affirmations and they'll go, Oh, I love my body, but deep down they don't. And I think it's normal at first to not like what you look like when you're in the process of change, right? Like, and we're talking everything very physical right now, but if you're someone that is like working on trying to get in better shape, you have to start with changing your thoughts, right? Like changing your thoughts is everything. But as you're changing your thoughts, you also need to be changing your actions and your behaviors. And when you're changing those thoughts, that's gonna help you naturally start to be changing your behaviors because everything starts in the mind, right? So when we start to tell ourselves the story of going, oh, I love what I look like, you're gonna be more motivated and excited to actually show up. Because when you start to say those things, it evokes different emotions that makes you like, oh, I'm I feel motivated, I feel excited. Like, let me put on a cute set, let me go to the gym. So all of those thoughts and like putting on the cute outfit are going to be things that help you give yourself an aligned behavior, but you have to still put in that action and put in that work to give yourself the behavior that reflects that thought. And then that is how that thought actually becomes a reality and isn't just something that you're saying and hoping and wishing for. And then ironically, the more you start to show up, the more you'll start to see the physical difference. So every single day when you look in the mirror, you'll slowly start to be like, oh my gosh, wait, no, I love my body. Like I love the way that I look. And you'll get even more excitement and more love for yourself through actually showing up for yourself. And that's how you're gonna start to truly become very, very confident in who you are. But like I said, all of this stuff that I've been talking about so far is all of your like surface level confidence. Like all of this is great, right? But what truly makes you a confident person is the ability to say you're going to do something and then actually do it. Like that is the secret. And that also kind of starts to come into what we were talking about previously, where I'm talking about how affirmations without action is just delusion and that you still need to be taking action in order to tell your brain that you are in fact capable of these things. That leads into exactly what I want to talk about and how you have to build trust with yourself. Like the most confident people are people that know that when they say they're gonna do something, they're gonna actually do it. And people all the time in my personal life are like, how are you so confident? Like beyond just looks, like when I think of the word confidence, I'm very rarely these days thinking about like, oh, I'm confident because like I think I look good. Like that's the last thing on my mind, right? Like when I think about why I'm confident, it's because I know that anything I say I want to do, I am actually going to do. And for a lot of people, that's hard for them because they've just never seen that evidence for themselves. And I talk a lot about, because I think it's so important, the idea of a concept and then giving your brain actual physical evidence because when your brain gets evidence, all of a sudden things become so much easier. And I've been doing this since I was a child, which is why now I have so much confidence to go, I wanna do that. And then it's like, yep, and now we're gonna do, we're gonna do that. And so I even for myself, I find it so hard to hear someone else tell me that they're gonna do something and me not think that it's a possibility they're not gonna do it. Because in my brain, I'm like, okay, well, if I say I'm gonna do something, it's because I'm actually gonna do it. And I've actually created like a whole little photo slide on my socials that some of you may have seen around this whole entire topic. Basically, how when I was a little kid, I was like, I told my parents I want to start playing soccer. And so sure enough, I started playing soccer, I started playing year up on a traveling team, and then randomly I was like, wait, I kind of want to be a dancer now. And my whole family was like, oh, like behind my back, of course, right? They were like, I like I don't think she's gonna be able to make the dance team, like all this stuff, because I was starting so much later than everybody else. But in my mind, I was like, okay, no, no, I could do this. And so, of course, I was nervous trying out. Like, I had never really danced before. Like, I, of course, for a year before that, I was taking a ton of classes and I was working my ass off. So rather than sitting there and going, Oh, I I'm I want to make the dance team, like you're a good dancer, like looking in the mirror. I was also actively taking the action steps to make me a better dancer that would actually allow me to have the skills to get on the team. And sure enough, I got on the team. I kept dancing, I kept getting better. And then I had another goal where I was like, okay, well, I want to start doing acting. And then I was in a movie with Shia LaBeouf. Then I was like, I want to move to LA, I want to do modeling, and all of these things have built upon one another that has gotten me to exactly where I am. And even things when it comes to like, I've struggled a lot with body image. And that was something that was really hard for me, where I was so used to this system of going, okay, well, if I set a goal and I say I want to do something, I just have to put in the work and then all of a sudden I'll get the thing, and that's how that works. For my body and my health journey, that was not the case. Where it was like doing more wasn't actually getting me results. And so that journey was a very long journey, but I can finally now sit here now and go, oh my gosh, it worked. Like it was like I said I wanted to get in a certain physique and a certain shape, and it may have taken me eight, seven years, but here we are. And so for me, that has given me so much more confidence to go, oh, if I really stick with something and I really navigate and research and understand and get certifications and degrees and continuously show up, I will in fact get the results. So the harder, the more I do it, the also the harder things I choose to go after and achieve. But after I achieve them, it's like another layer of confidence and evidence for my brain that I can do this thing. So I trust myself so, so much. Like there are not a lot of things I would rather have someone else do for me than me do because I just know that I can actually take the action steps to do it. And of course, that's another thing of releasing and letting go of control. And as I'm like my companies and businesses are grow growing, learning how to like delegate and it's it's forced me now to learn so many more skills. But that's the beautiful thing. As you grow and expand, you are always going to be constantly learning and evolving. But that is also what's gonna give you that super deep-rooted confidence. So when you wait, when you go to bed at night and you go, okay, tomorrow is the day that I'm gonna start getting up early. Like I'm I'm gonna go to the gym, I'm gonna do these things. Every single time you wake up and you and you snooze the alarm and you don't do the thing, you are not creating confidence within yourself. You are not creating trust within yourself. All it takes is for you to go one time to start to go, oh wait, I can keep my word to myself. Like I can actually do this. Because discipline is the highest form of self-love. Like if you want to become a disciplined person, you just have to really respect and love yourself. Like at the end of the day, that is it. Because if your parents ask you to do something, or or maybe a sibling or a friend or a teacher or a coach, or think of anybody that you respect, if they asked you to do something, you would show up. Like, like you show up to practice because you don't want to let your coach down. You show up and do your assignments because you don't want to let your teacher down. And obviously that's gonna be who that person is for everyone, is gonna be very different, right? But the reason you don't want to let them down is because you respect them. You have to respect yourself the exact same way. And when you can do that, now nothing is impossible because everything that you're doing is rooted in self. So when you combine the ability to be so disciplined and have such strong trust with yourself and such strong confidence with yourself and such strong action within yourself with all the other external, like getting dressed like nice in the morning, doing the affirmations, and also that extra layer of confidence, it makes you walk into a room unstoppable because at that point you truly do not care what anybody thinks. You're like, I know who I am, I know that I'm capable of doing X, Y, and Z. I know that I'm capable of putting my mind to everything. And then you also have this layer of going, and I also don't care what people think because I like me. Like, confidence isn't, oh, like I know that they'll like me. I think a lot of people go, oh, well, I'm super confident because I'm gonna walk into this room and everybody's gonna like me because I'm the best, and yada, yada, yada. It's like, no, there are probably gonna be some people that hate you. And if you're being authentic and true to yourself, there should be some people that hate you and that don't like you. But real confidence is walking into a room and going, oh, I don't actually need anybody to like me. Like I like myself and that's okay. Now let's go see who it is I like. And I think a lot of people, especially girls, guys, of course, too, when they're like going on dates or they're trying to meet friends, it's always from this place of, I hope they like me. Like, I wonder if they're gonna like me. Like, do you think they like me? It's like, do you even like them? Like, do you even like them? Like, we totally forget to ask ourselves, ask ourselves if we're if we even like the person standing in front of us because we're too concerned and consumed with it, they're gonna like us. So that's also like reframing and having those different mindsets when you walk into rooms is going to drastically be a reflection of your confidence and how you actually feel with yourself. So at the end of the day, when you sum all of this up, confidence literally just comes down to if you like who it is you are at your core and you are actually showing up for yourself and can keep your word to yourself. And I think all of this can be a lot easier said than done, right? Because it's like, okay, you know that you want to feel this way, you want to show up this way, but it's like, how do you actually start to get yourself to do this and actually not care about what people think? And I think a lot of that is just like let go and let God or let the universe, let whatever it is you believe in, and knowing that like what's meant for you will not pass you. And so if you can approach things from going, I know who I am at my core, I don't need validation from others. And I also trust that the people that are supposed to come into my life are supposed to come into my life and I cannot miss them. I think that also helps a lot with actually building that confidence, especially in the beginning, within yourself and knowing, okay, if I do audition for this thing, like I think the first step is just putting yourself out there, right? Like that exposure therapy to go, you know what, I don't know if I'm gonna get this job. I don't know if I'm gonna get maybe auditioning for a sport or a play, but it's having the ability to just do it anyways and trust, like, okay, if it doesn't work out, that wasn't a part of my plan. And that's also okay. And I think when you release that expectation from it having to go a certain way, it also allows you to kind of be more daring to try new things. We'll I'll make a whole separate video around like failure and accepting failure and how failure is one of the most beautiful, best things that happens to us, in that when we invite failure in, we also invite so much more magic, love, and opportunities within us. So that's I'll save that for a separate video. But I think when you allow yourself to do those things, also when you allow yourself to fail, that's gonna build so much confidence because you also watch yourself re-pick yourself back up. Because I know that all of you who have watched this, uh, that are watching this video or listening to this podcast, you have all failed at some point. And all of you, if you are standing here today, have re-picked yourself back up and rebuilt yourself. Like that in itself gives you that initial going, oh, I I can trust myself to actually do these things. And so tone tapping into any little moment that you've actually found that trust with yourself is gonna be so important to start to actually build the habit that you can continue to trust yourself. Even if it came from a really low moment in your life, you still got yourself out of there, right? And that's something that you should be so proud of. And so even starting to do little things like, okay, like I had mentioned earlier, if you make a commitment to yourself, maybe right now, like tomorrow's the morning, I don't so use the alarm clock and I just get right up. Like, okay, great, that's what you're gonna do. Just do that one thing to tell yourself, oh, I can keep my word. Or maybe it's okay, before I go and do maybe you like normally scroll on your phone at night, okay, well, tonight I'm gonna actually do a meditation and then I'm gonna do that. Or I'm just gonna do the meditation, I'm gonna go to bed. Like pick little tiny things. It doesn't have to start huge. Like you don't have to go, okay, and now I'm gonna conquer the world. Because we know that when our goals are too large and too far from us, it's a lot harder for us to actually believe that we're capable of doing it. So it's about starting small, like having small wins that gives your brain that evidence that you are, in fact, a confident, capable person that can do these things. And then when you get one small win, you'll get another small win, and then you'll dare to think a little bit bigger and think a little bit bigger. And that's how everything compounds into that super amazing, huge end goals that we all have for our life. So start small and you will get there. And within that whole process, you also have to stop negotiating with yourself. Like, this is not, we're not doing bargains with ourselves over here. So many people, they like don't achieve things because they'll go, oh, well, I'll do this when this happens, or I'll do this when when I feel ready for this. Like that, you're never gonna feel ready. I talk about this all the time. Like, like you cannot afford to bargain with yourself. You don't get to do that for yourself. It is, no, no, no, this is what we're doing, and we are showing up regardless. That's also how you don't let your emotions win and take over you, is going, no, no, no, you know what? I I feel pretty bad right now, but I'm still gonna do it. I'm still gonna do it. Maybe the way you do it isn't as maze as great as it is when you feel amazing. But what matters is that you showed up because you're maintaining that habit and you're doing it anyways, and actually sticking to your word. So if there's one thing I want you to take away from this video, if you want to start being a confident person, it is stick to your word and the confidence will grow over time. So that is everything for today's video. I hope that helps you kind of have a little bit of a perspective or mindset shift around confidence in itself and what actual confidence is, and that you're actually very capable of creating it. I think a lot of people think like, oh, I can only be confident once I look a certain way or I have certain things or I have this money or I have this job. Like when you put your confidence in anything external, it is fleeting and it will not last you for the rest of your life. But when you know, oh, I could lose everything, but I know that I can rebuild it, that is when you have the ultimate confidence that no one can take away from you because it is rooted in who you are. And you know that no matter what happens in your life, no matter who you lose, what leaves you, what happens, that you can rebuild again and again and again. And that is how you win. So, with all that being said, I hope you guys enjoyed this video, and I'll see you guys next week in the next episode. Bye.