How to heal from heartbreak and refind yourself (my breakup advice & story)

You don’t just lose them — you lose the version of you that existed with them. In this episode, I share my real experience with heartbreak, what it actually takes to move on, and how to stop reaching for them and start coming back to yourself.

For more honest conversations, advice, and real life application, follow along on our socials @TheSelfTrials. If you’re ready to go deeper and actually do the work, explore our courses and journals designed to guide you through your own Self Trials on our website.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome back to the self-trials where we cut through all the fluff and get real about what it actually takes to build your dream life. Jumping straight into the stuff you don't want to hear but need to hear. I'm your host, Kaelin, and today we are talking about healing from heartbreak and breakups and just my breakup story, my breakup advice. I've never really gone into details about my whole past relationship. And this whole video and podcast is not intended to bring to light all of the details of my past relationship and completely dive back into a whole past event, but more so to just show you guys that it is possible to break patterns and move on. I even know that he has a new girlfriend, and so just also out of respect for their relationship for her, like I'm not gonna revisit and bring all of this stuff that we went through to life. But the reality is like that relationship drastically, drastically, drastically shaped me as a person for a number of reasons. And it was one of those relationships that I think we see a lot, and I think a lot of people can relate to. And that is not enough time for you to process what you're actually going through. And that is one of the biggest things that I've I've learned throughout this whole entire thing is that like healing takes time, right? And maybe you're someone that is in like an on and off again dynamic, you have to stay in no contact. And I'll I'll get more into details about that. Is like if you actually even ever want to come back together with a person, because I think when you're in the middle of a breakup, the all you're thinking about is like, oh, well, like how quickly can we heal? How quickly can we do all these things that way we can reunite and all these things? It's like that, that is not how you can't look at it that way. Otherwise, you don't ever actually do the proper healing in order to get you where it is that you want to go. Because the reality is, yeah, you you will heal if you take that time and you don't speak to one another and you let one another move on, right? Like you have to, have to, have to let one another move on. And moving on is actually a very good thing for both parties, for both sides of it. I think so many times people are so scared to see the other person move on, right? Because that hurts, it hurts your ego to go, how could you find someone else? It's like, no, no, that's what they're supposed to do, right? So we'll get in more to all of these things specifically, but I just really want to start to bring up like the concept of like patterns, because we talk about patterns so, so much in everything. Like we talk about how your brain is a series of patterns, so you have to break the patterns, your subconscious thought patterns, in order to create a new reality. Well, it's the same thing that happens in dynamics with people, is we often fall into these same patterns. And a lot of times, for a lot of people, that doesn't even necessarily mean it's with the same person, it can be with multiple people where like you you date someone and you you see these problems arise. Well, then you go into your next relationship and everything seems great and dandy, and then all of a sudden those same problems come back. And I have yet to really fully be into another relationship. I had a small thing before I moved out to Bali, which maybe we'll get into, maybe we won't. But that didn't really give me a full opportunity to like re-see if certain patterns, if certain behaviors came up, and of course, different people are gonna bring different things out of you, right? But the majority of this video is talking about this whole concept of no contact and in how to actually heal and how to actually break that pattern, right? So I think a lot of people would be like, okay, well, how did you actually how did you guys actually finally like separate? Like you guys would get back together, you would feel like all these things, right? And it honestly was just the fact that we went back, I went back so many times. And I think there's so much advice on the internet that's like, oh, the second they do this, the second they do that, like cut them out, push them over, like they're done, let let them go. Do you know how hard that is sometimes to actually just like walk away from a person that you feel like you you're trying to make things work with, or that you see like you have potential for this and that and all these different things? Like sometimes you just have to go back a thousand times until you physically cannot go back anymore. And that's honestly what happened to me. And like the amount of signs that I got around the breakup is ridiculous. Like the fact that I I didn't, we didn't break up sooner and that I didn't leave sooner is like the craziest thing to me. When I look back, I'm like, oh my god, it was so obvious that the universe, God, whatever you believe in, was like, get out of that relationship. And not because the relationship was like super toxic. Like, yeah, there were definitely toxic patterns within the relationship. But it was like, I was I again, I everything comes back to me. Like, I was supposed to be in Bali, like I was just supposed to experience something in completely different. And also for him, like he needed to experience something completely different. Like our path and our calling was no longer with each other, and it hadn't been for a very long time. And we kept pushing and pushing to try and force something to work. And and I think there's a great example in there that it does not matter how hard you try. There is nothing that you can do that will make this dynamic work if it is not supposed to work. And so it's knowing sometimes you just have to go back and go back and go back until you're like, I physically cannot go back to this person anymore. I cannot live this anymore. It's kind of like hitting rock bottom, like in your normal life. Maybe that's with your health, maybe that's with finances, like whatever that is. I think a lot of people hit rock bottom. I think you can also experience kind of that same feeling of rock bottom within the relationship where you're like, it is just over and done. And I'm not gonna go into all the details of like what made both of us know that it was just over and done, but there are like crazy things where I had bought us both um Christian Dior bracelets, which are like very, very nice bracelets. They were matching ones from like Christmas a few years ago, and they're like made out of brass, which also why is a Christian Dior bracelet made out of brass? And why can a Christian Dior bracelet tarnish? I would love, I would love to know, but I had bought those like a while ago. I mine was gold, his was silver, his tarnished way faster because of the silver instead of the gold. And so I had told him like a while ago, I was like, you can take that off, like you do not need to keep that on, whatever. So then I had had mine on still for the longest time, and we were are like already talking about splitting and what would need to change, and again, the same conversations. If you are having the same conversation over and over and over again, move on, like, especially from like a woman's perspective, it's like there is nothing you can do, and I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this that is going to make them want to show up. Like, if they want to show up, they will show up. And do not ever, ever, ever change yourself for a man. Like, if there is one thing that I have learned from this entire thing, it's like, do not change who you are to try and fit what you think a person wants or likes. Because the reality is what that person wants or likes is changing all the time, and what they think that they want is going to be different depending on who's standing in front of them. Like, there are things where even if you look at like when someone gets in a new relationship, you're like, why is she allowed to do that? But I wasn't allowed to do that. Like, I would have gotten in trouble for X, Y, and Z. And it's like because all of the rules change with different people. Like when you're constantly trying to chase what like you think their perfect version is, you are going to lose yourself. And honestly, that happened with me. It's like there was so much that went on with like neglect isn't the right word, but like a lack of, like, I felt truly like very unloved, or underloved, undervalued, underadored. Like all of the things that I think us as women like really, really need to feel safe in a relationship and feel feminine in a relationship. Like when I stopped feeling feminine in my relationship, I was like, that should have been my first sign. You gotta get out of there, you know? And so I, within all that and the feelings of not feeling that way, I think it would then make me try and show up a specific way to make him want to do all these things for me, make him want to show up for me. It didn't matter what I did. It did not matter what I did, and all I did was constantly dig myself in a deeper hole. Like I think even sometimes I look back at when I dyed my hair, I tried to dye my hair back to blonde. I was like, was that something you really wanted? Or is that just something that you were hoping he would want and you were doing it for him, even though he never asked me to do that? And so I think there's things like that where it's like anytime I think about a time I made a decision that wasn't actually in alignment with who I was, it was always because I was trying to make that decision for another person or hoping that it would evoke a certain reaction from somebody. And even if that reaction was intended for it to be a positive reaction, but then you didn't feel good about it, the decision never goes the way that you hope that it does, because it's it's not ultimately what that person actually wants. And then it there's like a whole all these layers to it, right? More of the story within that is like, do not change yourself for a man. Find a man that likes you exactly the way that you are. And if a man's also saying to you, like, oh, I wish you were this way, leave. Please just leave. Like, don't like let him go get the thing that it is that he actually wants, right? Versus trying for him to justify that it's like, oh, well, it's okay if you don't have this, whatever. And that this is like very vague, of course, but it's like this can be applied, I think, to a lot of things with a lot of girls. And so if he says he wants something, like go let him have that thing. Just like just let him have that thing, basically. And so I went on a huge tangent, but I want to circle it back to the story about the bracelets. Oh wow, I really got off topic there. But basically, we had these bracelets and we were dealing with some stuff. We were trying to have conversations. Oh, that's what it was. We were trying to have conversations about, well, hey, this is what I would need from you, and this is what I would need from you. And again, same conversations, nothing, nothing changes, it just keeps repeating itself, the same cycles. And I remember sitting down, and this was like, I wrote this entire message, which sometimes I'm like, I wish I could frame this message because it was poetry, like it was it was actually art. I've never been more proud of like a message that I wrote because I feel like it just conveyed how I felt so, so well. And I remember being like, okay, like I need to read this thing to you, which was like basically being like that, like if nothing changes, like this is it, like this is done. Like, I I will find the courage to walk away. Like I have to because I'm I'm miserable, right? And I think we both were. And so I said, I was like, I need to, I need to read this thing, whatever. I was like, okay, but I'm gonna go to the bathroom first. I go to the bathroom, my bracelet breaks in half and falls on the floor. That's crazy. Like, and I just remember hearing it like fall down, and we are both like, yeah, we're so done. I was like, we are so, we are so done. And of course I can laugh about it now, but like in the moment, of course, it doesn't seem funny in the moment. You look back and it's like, oh, we are so traumatic. Like, you both are gonna be fine, right? Like, go do your thing, live your life. And so that there's just like were so many things like that that kept happening, and even over the course of like the past week, and I do think sometimes too, you kind of have to let them feel like they're making the decisions and the choices a little bit because we had so much back and forth, and I I remember like it, and it was just crazy too, the way that things like actually fully like finally ended. We had a ton of conversations up until everything, and I was in the middle of sending a text basically being like, I I cannot, I can't do this. Like, like your word essentially doesn't mean anything because you've told me a thousand times that you're gonna change, and then we're we're back into the same cycle. And I was typing all of that out to send over to him, and at the exact same time I'm typing it about to press in, he sends me a message basically saying, This is like I can't do this, this isn't fair to you, blah, blah, whatever. And I was like, honestly, I knew I was done when I just backspaced my entire message and was basically just like, okay, I was like, Yeah, yeah, for sure. It's and so when you know that you no longer need to justify yourself and you can know exactly how you feel and what it is that you want, when you don't have to send those long paragraphs anymore, and you can just go, yeah, for sure. That's when you know you're really, you're really checked out. And so, again, that all built up to just trying over and over again. Because personally, like I am, and I think a lot of other people are too. Maybe not I, I think more people should be in some ways. Like, I am devoted. Like, I'm like, I want to try and make this work, right? So you try, and I think it's really, especially if you're someone that's like in a self-development space, you try really hard in every other aspect of your life. So that's also how you're showing up in a relationship. So sometimes sometimes I think it's like, oh, we can fix this, we can work through this, we can work through this. But it's like, that's why sometimes you just have to keep going back when you have that personality type until you realize, like, hey, this just isn't it anymore. And you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. And like, there's, I think about my life now, and I think sometimes people would be like, oh, well, if I, people or myself would be like, oh, well, if I would have like actually walked away a long time ago, I'd already be here and I'd already be there. And I'd be like, no, thinking that way, I think is just such a it just spirals you into being like, oh, it's also pointless. It spirals you and it's pointless because you're not there, right? Like that's not the decision that you made. And I do think that the timing of everything, the timing that my life I left exactly when I was supposed to, right? Even though it seems like, well, you should have left probably a long time ago. It's like, no, like everything was experiences, everything was getting me prepared for the exact moment and has put me in the exact moment that I'm in right now. And I'm so happy with my life, and I and I love the life that I've created. And that's not to say I don't have hard moments and hard times, right? Like that will always be a part of life. But it's like I know that this moment, since I feel so good in this, I'm so grateful for everything that happened and the timeline that it happened at. So trust your timing within that. But I will say, as someone that has been in a dynamic, those patterns will continue to repeat yourself. So the sooner or themselves. So the sooner you can walk away, the better, because that would mean you actually finally can break that cycle so you can actually move on. However, I completely understand needing to keep going back a thousand times. And I think a huge realization that I started to have after the breakup was just understanding like, do you actually love them? Or do you love a past version of them, or do you love a future potential version of them? Because it is so, so easy to fall in love and stay committed to a version of a person that does not exist. And I will tell you right now that the potential you see in someone is just what you would do if you were in their position. That is it. And I that was a huge learning lesson for me is being like, you need to understand that the person in front of you, that is who you need to be in love with. Like you need to be in love with that version of them, not the version of them that they used to be, because people change, and not the view version of them that you think that they can become. Because the reality is like they are not you, they are not willing to do the things that you think someone would do in this in this position. And that's not to say, obviously, like we we want the best for people. And I think there's a huge thing is when you mix being in love with someone and you mix being someone that is like a very ambitious person. This is like a deadly combo, honestly. It's like when you're a lover girl mixed with being an ambitious woman, well, now all of a sudden all you see is the potential and going, oh my gosh, look at all of the amazing things we could be. You could be this, you could be that. And it's like, then you're devoted to them too, because you're like, well, I know that if you just took these action steps, if you just did these things, you could be this person, we could be this thing. But it's being like, that's not your job. And also that's none of your it, it is your business to an extent, but also it's like, does that person even want that? Like maybe deep down that's not actually what they want, and you have to respect that too, and know, like, oh, I if they don't want to do this and if they're being met with a lot of resistance, like you can't force someone to grow. You can't force someone to grow, especially in the way that you want them to, right? So it's like sometimes people just have to figure things out on their own. And it's like people can only meet themselves, people can only meet you as far as they've met themselves. So sometimes what that looks like is walking away and allowing them to discover those things on their own. And yeah, the way that they choose to discover those things might hurt. And it's like you have to understand that the way people discover those things on their own is going to be on their own, which means it's gonna be their own way of doing it. Like you could be with someone and then they decide to go sleep with someone the next day. And it's like, yeah, that sucks and that hurts. But it's like that just might be what how they feel that they need to deal with that. And also, I think that shows a lot about their character, right? Like, if that's the way that they choose to handle things, that's not someone you want in your life, anyways, right? And I know that that can be hard to accept, but everyone handles things differently, especially as women. And I think a lot of people that listen to this are women, and I know men too. Hi, guys, hi, hi to all the men that are listening to this. But we're different species. Like men and women, we handle things differently. And and being in my first relationship really started to give me insight more into like the male brain because it is it is very fascinating, and it's and it is very different. And I think sometimes when us as women are so used to thinking a certain way, we have a hard time associating, like, how could they do these things? Did they ever actually love me? Did they ever actually care about me? It's like, yes, they did. They're just wired in a completely different way. That's how to say women too will sometimes go and like sleep with a bunch of people. And that's the first thing that I'll say too is like, as far as coming out after a breakup, like if you actually want to heal, do not go sleep with their best friend, do not key their car, do not do all this crazy stuff to try and seek revenge. It's not worth it. And all that's gonna do is actually put you in a bad place. Like, don't go out and party a bunch. Like, I'm not, of course, go out and like have some fun. Like, yeah, you're single, go hang out with friends, be around people that support you, but be around with people that support you in like a very positive way. Start going to the gym, start doing things that actually make your life better, not from a place of trying to make their life worse. Like your goal after breakup should be like, how can I make myself better? Not how can I make them worse or how can I make their lives miserable. They're they're in the past now. The second that breakup happens, they are behind you, and that's how you have to look at it. And so I even think about like, I was like being so hard on myself last night, just being like, oh, I need to do this, I need to do that, like outside of just not even in a relationship sense, just like in a in a work sense and all these things. And then I look back and I'm like, the amount of things that you have done in the span of just like six months is insane. And so it's like, I encourage everyone that when you get out of a breakup, use that to be the thing that allows you to put you in such a creative force. And I have found that when you when you don't indulge in a bunch of sex, you don't indulge in a bunch of partying, all of a sudden, when you don't have that person's energy in your space anymore, you have so much more time to pull that energy back to yourself. And and after a breakup, you need to actually like physically claim your energy again for yourself and be like, I am releasing this person, I am reclaiming my energy so that way I can actually fully step into my purpose and who it is I am meant to be. And I felt like I really, really, really lost myself in my last relationship, like like tenfold. And I feel like I'm just now refinding myself. And it's been so interesting and fascinating to re-get my personality back. And I, of course, I still had a personality in the relationship. Like it's not like I completely was like a different person, but I kind of was. Like people, and I've heard people talk about this, and I it wasn't until I fully experienced it that it's like when your nervous system doesn't feel safe, you don't, you're not weird, you're not fully yourself, especially when you feel like you're constantly trying to seek approval from someone else, seek value from someone else. You don't become yourself, you don't feel like you can authentically just be who it is that you are, wear the things that it is that you want to wear, make decisions the way that it is you want to make decisions. It's not until you get out of that relationship that you really have an opportunity to refigure out like who you are on your own. So use that time to figure out who it is you are and what it is that you want from life versus rushing into finding another person. And so it's like I created like the the reason I this is actually insane. Like the reason I have my podcast again, the reason I have my self-development brand is because I I I that I'm no longer in that relationship. Because truthfully, I never felt comfortable or supported doing something like this in that relationship. And the fact that I now am able to be like, no, this is something that I actually really love to do, and I've refound my voice. And I feel like my throat chakra, I guess if you want to look at from a spiritual sense, is no longer blocked. And I'm like, I don't care. Like, I don't care what people think about me. And I feel like it really took up until the past month to really fully be able to release the need to prove to anyone in any sort of way that, like, oh, you're missing out on this, or this is I'm doing this. It's like, it doesn't matter. It's like just do what it is that you're supposed to do and and be your happiest self. And that's how you win and that's how you get the best revenge, quote unquote. It's like if you're not meant to be together, you're not meant to be together. And so it's like you just need to go be your happiest self. And I think too, it's like when people are so scared to to break up, they're like, oh, but what if we never get back together? Trust me, by the time you are on the other side of it, you're not gonna want to be with this person. You're gonna grow so much that you're gonna be like, oh, it doesn't even make sense for us to be together. And if you do happen to remeet, then then it will make sense in that moment and in that time. But it's not, you're not gonna feel the way that you do right now. And I think that's what is important to remember is like all of the the pain, the heartache, like that passes. It does. It's inevitable. It will pass. You will fall back in love, you will meet other people, you will have deep connections. And I think a really beautiful way to look at it is like, if you could have that deep of a connection and be that in love with someone that wasn't even your person, like imagine how that's going to feel within with someone else that is your person, that like is pouring into you. Like, I think about all the ways I was able to pour into someone that wasn't able to pour into me. I'm like, imagine what would happen if someone was equally pouring into me, was equally giving me love, was equally supporting me, giving me value, like all of these things. Like the cut the kind of woman that I will become gives me goosebumps talking about. And like that's also how you should be for that man, right? Or whatever you're into. And so it's like to me, that makes me excited to go excited and patient, to be like, I want to be with someone that truly fills me up and makes me a better woman and pushes me to be better and gives so much love to me that I'm able to give even more love back. And that that exchange of energy is going to be able to literally change so many lives and like change the world. Like, I truly think when when love is like love is the highest frequency. And so when you're met with someone else that's able to love you just as deeply, and of course, you're gonna be loving each other in different ways, and everyone has days. Sometimes you're at a hundred, sometimes you're at 50, but the the The pure devotion and love to one another can create so much amazing things. So just remember that for yourself as like whatever you were experiencing in this past relationship, it's like there's something better waiting for you. You don't need to know what that is. And honestly, it's like maybe it is that other person, but it's gonna be a better version of them. But that separation is what allows that to happen. The separation has to happen. And that's where people are so scared of the separation. But the separation is necessary for you to ultimately get everything that it is that you want, not just within relationships, but also within career, within yourself, within refining yourself. And so it's so important to let that person go, not just for you, but also for them. Because I think we forget sometimes that holding on is actually selfish, right? Like you're the reason you're holding on to someone is because you're scared of having to let them go and what that actually means and what that actually looks like for you. So I think a lot of times we hide this idea of holding on to people because we're trying to be selfless. It's like, oh, well, I just care about them. So I don't want to let them go. It's like, no, no, no, you don't want to let them go because you don't want to admit that you made a mistake, that you didn't show up the way that you did. Like, whatever that the case scenario is, it's like, no, holding on to people is selfish. And when you can look at it that way, it makes it easier to go, okay, like what do I actually need to do? And what actually is selfless? And sometimes being selfless is letting that person go. And some I'm just like so glad. And I remember having conversations, and I was like, do not reach out to me. I was like, whatever you do, do not reach out to me. And I, and I have never been more grateful that that was honored. And it's the same thing, it's like, I know that he's thinking the same thing for me. He's like, thank God, I did not reach out, right? Like, you are doing both a disservice when you reach out to the other person. And that's exactly why I created the no contact journal. It's all about healing from heartbreak and the importance of not reaching out, even if it's not the craziest toxic cycle, right? It's just knowing that you don't get to move on with your life until you actually break that pattern. And so that's something that's been really cool for me, the fact that I've been able to take my experience within the relationship and transform it into something that actually gets to help so many other amazing people and so, or so many other people going through heartbreak. And so, knowing that the whole journal is basically how to heal from heartbreaks. There's journal prompts that lead you through the healing process, starting with navigating, like first getting out of the relationship, understanding you have future forgiveness, and actually like being able to like forgive this person and move on with your life. And then the other half of the journal is all empty pages that's for letters I won't send. Because I think the reality is we think we need to say something. Like, I'm so guilty of being like, I need, I need them to hear everything I have to say. It's like, no, they don't. Like, like you can just keep that to yourself. And I think writing it down helps you process it. And then also, if you're someone that is tempted to always reach out or has a hard time withholding that information, sometimes the best thing to do is write it down and maybe tell yourself, like, okay, if I in a week still want to send this message, then you can go ahead and send it. Like at that point, it's like, okay, yeah, maybe you just need to get it off your chest. Let it, let yourself learn the lesson of what it actually means to reach out. But then it's like, you know, that you at least sat with it versus the impulsive emotional decision of just like sending the message. Because I'm very guilty of that. I'd be like, well, I should, I just need to say this right now. Versus like, no, no, no, you should probably just sit with that emotion for a little bit before you act on it. And of course, the way how everyone is is a little bit different. I've just learned for myself that that's something that like I when I get emotional, that is when I tend to make the most irrational decisions. And that's when I just have to be like, okay, we're just gonna sit with this. And it's very uncomfortable at first to actually sit with if you're someone that like feels like you need to tell them and be like, oh, I just need to share this piece of information. I discovered this and I did this. It's like to make yourself just sit with that and not send it or not take action on it is actually sometimes the most powerful thing that you can do, and it's really, really uncomfortable. And so that means sometimes that's the best thing that you can do, knowing that, oh, well, you can still you can still send it. You just don't need to send it right now, right? So you can actually process if you're still feeling that way or if it's just an emotion that's passing through you that you just need to let pass through you. And on this topic of like the emotions in the journal, it's like when I was going through my breakup, I actually like started to learn the psychology of why your brain does what it does after a breakup because I think it's it's really challenging to go, I know that this relationship is so wrong for me. I know that this person is not treating me the way that they're supposed to. Why do I want to go back? Like, why or why do I keep letting them come back? Right. And I think sometimes you can even be frustrating with yourself to go, why can't I have the boundaries or the strength to leave or the strength to stay away? It's like, why am I struggling with this? And when I looked into it and started to learn more about it, it's actually very normal, right? Because your brain just it's craving dopamine. So it's going through dopamine withdrawals when you're going through a breakup. Like you have to remember that this person that you're you're with, especially if it's been like a long time, like the longer it is, the more history you have with this person. But your brain, like, already has set up, like, okay, this is what the future is gonna look like. Like, that's what you're thinking, right? Because when you're with someone, I would I would hope that you're with someone because you kind of have a commitment to the future with them. Like, that's kind of the plan. That's why you're dating them, right? So you're not just losing this person, you're also losing, also, it could also sometimes be a friend. Like me and my ex were just like really like we were best friends. That was also a problem where it's like I didn't have a lot of girlfriends. I think this is such a side note, but I think if I had the friendships I have now and I was in this same dynamic, I would not, I would never have been in this relationship dynamic if I had the type of community that I have now. So I think that's a huge thing that's really important is having a really strong community and knowing that like you need to have friends outside of your relationship. That was a problem for both of us, and it's been eye-opening to now have that super strong community. So that's like a little bit of a side note. So making sure that even within your relationship, that you're still really nurturing your friendships and your girlfriends and that the womanhood in your life as well makes it so much easier to get clarity around navigating what's going on in your relationship. Again, not that doesn't mean you go to all your girlfriends and you and you talk shit on them, not at all. Like, I also don't think that that's correct either. But it's just knowing that you have that time away from this person because, like I said, you still want them to be your best friend, right? Of course, like of course, of course, of course. But it's like that's something else that you're losing within that relationship is the friendship. And then you're you're losing the future and the person. And so it's not just this person that you're losing, it's this whole world that you've created for yourself. And then when you finally separate, it it honestly is kind of like a death happens. It's like this person passes, like you all of a sudden go from being so close, so intimate with this person to now never seeing them again, never speaking. So your your brain and body is literally going through dopamine withdrawals. And then what's challenging is when you're going through those dopamine withdrawals, it's so easy to just go back to all of the really positive memories and things that happened. Because regardless of how bad a relationship is or how low the lows were, there are also always gonna be highs, right? Like that's why you're in the relationship. And so when you're in separation, it's so easy to go, oh well, maybe it's not that bad because he did this, or we had this moment, or you you go on Instagram or you go through your camera roll and you see all the really cute videos and the positive memories, but you have to remember that that's just a time shot. And I think sometimes, as negative as it might sound, sounds, is you have to go into your phone and just like write out all of the little things that like went wrong or that you didn't like, and like not just that you didn't like about the person, but actual situations and scenarios that made you feel like shit. Like I remember when I first got out of the breakup, I would go into my notes app and literally type out things that happened that made me feel horrible, like just things that like it in recent things. Cause I think there's also like, yes, when you're like in a past, like there is an L an element of like evolving and having to forgive and like move on, all these different things, but that's more so when we're we're talking about nurturing a relationship moving for forward. But like when it comes to like an actual breakup, it was like, no, this like made me feel not good. And it's going like, I don't miss the person. I miss again coming back to the future version of this person, the potential version of this person or us, or a past version of us, like like the version of us that was existing, it was not a good thing, and you don't want that. Like, like you really don't want that. So it's like re-reminding yourself in whatever way that you need to is that you're walking away from this relationship because it is not serving you anymore. And when you go back and you look at all of those photos, all it's doing is re-giving you that dopamine hit. It's re-giving you that that hit to go, oh well, look at all these great things. And it makes you want to reach out and it makes you feel like you're connected to this person again. Whereas like the best thing to do is withdraw from it. Like, like, do not look at photos. And I know sometimes it's like you could have like I don't have all the photos deleted in my camera roll because I have thousands, thousands and thousands and thousands of photos, and like the majority of my life was like taking a bunch of content. That's another thing, too. Is I also had my relationship was on social media a lot. I will, I say that I will probably be doing that differently, but I I might take that back the second I'm with someone. Like, obviously, it'll still be well known that I'm in a relationship, but it will be, he will not be the center of my content. Let's put it that way. That will never happen again. I look back and I'm like, why is he in so much of my content? Which also just a byproduct of that is that a lot of my camera role is some of those things. And so I'm not gonna delete everything. But if you're someone that like needs to delete everything, delete everything. Like unfollow each other on Instagram. If any, if you were following your ex on Instagram, what is wrong with you? Literally unfollow them. Like, you two guys do not need to be seeing each other's lives, you don't need to be connected in any sort of way. That also is like if you want to meet someone in the future, I would hope out of respect for that person too, like you wouldn't want to be following your ex on Instagram or on social media accounts or whatever the situation is. So it's like just knowing that you have to actually have that really strong cutoff because the stronger you cut that person off, and the sooner you stop looking at their photos, and the sooner you unfollow them on Instagram, the sooner you get rid of the jewelry pieces or you cleanse the jewelry pieces, whatever it is that you need to do, the sooner you actually will move on and you will no longer feel the withdrawal symptoms of no longer having that dopamine around you. And I know that sounds just sounds very scientific-y, I guess, but that's literally what it is. Like, love is a drug. Like it's something that we are addicted to. We're attached. Like we talk about attachment styles all the time, and that's where it's like me and him were kind of trauma bonded to one another. Like there was so much stuff, and this is what I'm not even gonna go into it, but there was so much stuff that happened in that relationship that just made it so easy to be trauma bonded to this person and feel like this thing is life or death, right? And it's not, like it's not at all, but it feels like that in the moment. So you're not alone in feeling that, but just knowing that you do need to separate and you need to not be in contact with this person and staying out of contact is the best way to heal and move on faster. And when you heal and move on faster, that is also how you will more quickly get what it is that you want. It's either going to be if if you really are set on the fact that it's like it is this person, well, then it's gonna be a better version of this person, it's gonna be a better dynamic. But the only way for that dynamic to ever improve is for you to actually go through separation and not two week separation, not three week separation, not one month separation. I mean full separation. I mean you guys get in different relationships, you go and do different things, you live different lives. Like, that is how you actually change and grow as people is by having different experiences. And that's another way to heal too, is like go show your nervous system a different reality. Sometimes that's something else that we need is like, and that's not again, I don't say that as in go make a bunch of impulsive decisions and go sleep with a bunch of people. Like, no, I just mean like like go travel, like go book a trip, go do something, like show your nervous system. Sometimes you don't need to heal more, you just need to show your nervous system a new reality that other things can exist. And so it's like within doing all that, you're either going to evolve so much as people, maybe you'll evolve back together, sure, possibly. But a lot of times you evolve and you evolve separately, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I don't, I don't love this person because it's no longer a part of who I am. And you've you've outgrown them and you've changed and you've evolved, and and that's the beautiful part of healing, and that's what happens 90% of the time. And I think accepting that allows you to actually move where you're supposed to move so much faster. And so that's pretty much everything. I know this is like a bit of a longer episode, but I think there's just so much to say around it, and I've just, I'm honestly really proud of myself for finally getting out of that dynamic. Like, I think there was a point in time where I was like, is this ever gonna end? Even though it's ironic, because you have a full choice to make that happen, right? And knowing now that I am finally on like the full other side of it, where like I feel so myself again. Like, I feel so confident. I have my like, I don't give a fuck personality back. Like, like I'm weird, I have my style, like I just know who I am again. And like that can be you too. You just actually have to do the work to actually move on and dare to actually leave and dare to actually not reach out to this person. And there's gonna be nights where you're crying, there's gonna be nights where you feel like it's the end of the world, but it's not. And I am living proof that it gets better and that you can fall in love with life again, and that you you'll find other people again. And like, even I had a and through everything, I've been able to be so much more of a like a people are gonna come and people are gonna go, let them come, let them go. They're all a part of your journey, right? And and there was someone that I had met a week before, not a week, a month before coming out to Bali. We hit it off and like we spent so much time together. It was like that was almost borderline. I would consider that a second relationship. Like it was very fast, and so you don't have the same element of like time. And and I know people say time isn't necessarily like a good measure of how deep a connection is, because that I literally felt like I knew that man for like a year because we would spend like every weekend together. We we did so many things together, right? But we knew I was moving to Bali, which made it easier because we it wasn't like, oh, I decided to move to Bali randomly. It was like this was already a decision that was happening, and so we just decided to like enjoy one another's presence because we really liked one another. And so we just we hung out with one another, but we weren't like in love, right? Which I think makes it easier when you do have to actually leave a person. But then I I left and I I moved to Bali and and now I'm living out here and and I'm not speaking to him, right? Because I know that like maybe every now and then, but like I know that if I want to actually move on, like I can't be in like a dynamic, and we already knew coming out here that that wasn't an option for me, and it wasn't an option for him, and it wasn't something we wanted to do, right? Because we knew that in order for me to fully experience this life and for him to fully experience his life, we can't be intertwined with one another. And so it just goes to show that sometimes that process it's just some sometimes you're with someone for a month, and you and that is you get what you need from that, and then you move on. And and so I think it's been nice for myself to also see that I'm able to actually just say buy and cut things off much quicker. Like, I feel like if there's one thing I've learned, it's my boundaries and and who I am as an individual. And I will I will never ever let someone ever treat me that way, and like that's not to say like he treated me really great in a lot of ways, but like I will never put myself in that situation. I will walk away. Like, I have no fear to walk away now, and I feel like that was a huge lesson for me is to be like, I am willing to walk away from anything that does not actually align with me and serve me, or someone that is not treating me the way that they're supposed to be treating me. And so I think not just do you find so much like love for life again, you also will re find your self-respect again and you will refind yourself again. So I know this video is quite long, but that is pretty much everything for today. You will get to the other side of it. I promise the other side is is so amazing. And I feel like there's still so much more life for me to live, right? Like it hasn't even been a year since my breakup. And so it just goes to show that there is so much that can happen when you choose to also prioritize yourself and heal the right way. Like you have all of the like a breakup is the perfect opportunity to finally do all the things that you've been wanting to do because you have so much more time. So use that time on yourself, don't use it on a bunch of other people, using it, making like low vibrational activities. Yeah, of course, go have fun, right? Like, go have fun. Go do your like go have fun 100%. But like use that energy to make yourself a better individual. So, with all that being said, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and I will see you guys in the next one. Bye.