How to become a happy person (the secret to happiness)

You keep telling yourself you'll be happy when you achieve the goal, find the relationship, make more money, or finally have everything figured out. In this episode, we unpack why happiness keeps feeling just out of reach and the truth about what actually creates lasting fulfillment.

For more honest conversations, advice, and real life application, follow along on our socials @TheSelfTrials. If you're ready to go deeper and actually do the work, explore our courses and journals designed to guide you through your own Self Trials on our website.

Transcript

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Hello everybody and welcome back to the Self Charles where we cut through all the fluff and get real about what it actually takes to build your dream life. Jumping straight into the stuff you don't want to hear but need to hear, I'm your host, Kaylin, and today we are talking about the secret to happiness and just how to find happiness and how to be a happy person. I feel like this is ultimately everybody's goal, right? Like all we all want to be is just happy. And you would think it's such a simple thing to obtain, right? Because it's not an actual physical item. And I think that's part of the problem. And I want to actually dive into how I feel like I have found happiness and also get really real about what happiness actually looks like in your life. Because I think a huge reason a lot of people struggle to find it is they think that happiness is something that they'll obtain at a certain point and they'll always feel that way. Like if I achieved X, Y, and Z, this, this, this, and this, then all of a sudden I'll only ever have positive, happy feelings in my body. And the reality is that is not true. And I think that can kind of crush some people's souls because sometimes they hold on to the hope that once they just reach this one thing or once they get this one thing, then all of a sudden all of their problems in life will go away. That's not true. You are always going to have problems in your life. The problems that you have are going to be different and they're going to change. And I think it's more so in life about finding which problems it is you want to have, right? Because there's always gonna be something, but it's understanding that happiness is not an end goal. It's something that you can create right here and right now. And the beautiful thing about that is we don't have to wait. Like you can choose after this episode or during this episode to choose to become a happy person. And that's just understanding that you start to look at life through a different lens. So we're gonna dive more into that. But I first just want to really solidify this idea with you that happiness isn't an emotion you feel at all times. And I think the second you can embrace that and go, you know what? Happiness is going to be there larger in some moments and smaller in others, that that is okay. And that doesn't mean that you don't have a happy life or that you're not a happy person just because you feel other emotions. And I've talked about this before. And it's like emotions come and go, they're like waves, they crash into us and then ultimately they pass and go away. So you have to learn how to not make decisions from your current emotional state because emotions always are fleeting and they always are up and down. That's also the beautiful thing I think about the human experience is the ability to actually get to feel everything that comes with being humans. And I think sometimes that can make things easier, like we've talked about in past episodes, about moving through heartbreak and some of those more negative quote-unquote emotions that you feel are sadness or anger or jealousy and realizing that it's all a part of your experience and it's all designed to teach you something. And I think when you look at them that way, it can also help you to not always just be seeking out this idea or this concept of happiness, because happiness isn't the secret to having this wonderful, amazing life that fixes all of your problems. So, first acknowledging that is super important for you. So that way you also don't create unrealistic expectations. Cause I think a lot of times people set their goals around being like, oh, once I have this, I'm gonna be happy. But then when they get that thing, they realize that, oh, they're not always gonna be happy. Like you might be happy in the moment that you got it, but it's actually not the item itself that's making you happy. It's the achievement that's making you happy. It's the it's knowing, like, I just did that. Like you're more so actually proud of yourself, and that is where the happiness is sourcing from than the actual materialistic item itself. And that's not to say I think it's a load of crap when people are like, oh, money can't buy happiness. Well, there are definitely a lot of things that I could go buy that would make me pretty happy, but it's understanding that that's not what's gonna give you long-term happiness. Like when you go to buy something or you go to do this one thing or you achieve this one thing, it does give you that temporary happiness and fulfillment and excitement and motivation, like, yeah, 100%. And allow yourself to feel that, right? Like we're gonna allow ourselves to feel all these different things, but knowing that that's not the deep-rooted happiness that you can look for. And so then you're probably like, okay, well, what is the deep-rooted happiness? And it truly is, as silly as it sounds, is just finding joy and gratitude in all of the small things and being as present as possible. And this is something that I have drastically learned, and I know I I refer to Bali all the time because it truly has taught me just so, so much. And I feel like I have started to find what happiness looks like for me. And I think it's also understanding that happiness looks different for every single person because the things that fulfill you and the things that fulfill each person is going to be different. And so there's not this one secret formula to happiness, it's just being present and finding what makes you happy and what brings you fulfillment. And so you need to start asking yourself questions like, what are the things on a daily basis that bring me joy? I think it's important to identify, and I mean, we all focus so much on what are the long-term things that are gonna bring you happiness, right? Like what are the things that are not long-term, but like almost like short term in the future. Those things are easy to identify. Like, oh, once I get this car, like, yeah, that's gonna make me feel happy, or oh, once I start this family, like I'm gonna feel happy. But it's like, even when you get that car, there's gonna be moments where the car doesn't work and you're frustrated and irritated, or maybe the ability for you to have that car means you work a different job that brings different stresses and problems into your life, right? Or once you have a family, yeah, there's so many amazing, happy things about it, but that doesn't mean your kids aren't gonna stress you out, right? And there's gonna be days where you're like, I'm not very happy right now. So it's easy to identify those forms of happiness. But then what I need you to identify for yourself are what are those small things that bring you happiness that you can connect with throughout the day while chaos is going on and while chaos is happening and while problems arise, right? And that's how you can keep yourself grounded in more of that positive thinking throughout whatever happens in your life and regardless of what comes up. And so that can be as small as like your daily coffee. And I know it sounds so silly, but the reason everybody talks about it is because it works, right? And so I know for me, I'm like the fact like every school night I go to bed, I'm like, oh, I'm so excited to like wake up and go for my little walk and get my coffee and have my breakfast and do my little work that I do in the morning. So it's like find the little things that you love. Maybe for you that's adding like a, and that's why I people argue when they're trying to save money. It's like, well, you spend so much on coffee. It's like, okay, but if that's the one small thing that's bringing you joy, keep that in your life because it's gonna make you a more positive person that's ultimately going to bring more abundance into your life. Like the little things that make your daily life more beautiful and colorful and romantic and loving, like continue keeping those into your life. That is not the thing that you want to sacrifice. So if that means every single morning before work, you go and get a coffee, then that's what you're gonna do, right? And it's making sure that you still don't take advantage of it. And if you start to feel like you become numb to that experience, okay, let's change it up. And maybe you don't get coffee for a little bit until you can re-make that something that you get excited towards again. And so that's just like one super, super small example. But on the other side of this, it's also understanding that a lot of the reasons we struggle with being happy is because we're just anxious or we're stressed. And every single time, anxiety and stress is only normally associated to worry about the future or worry about the past, which is ironic because it's not happening in the present. So we so often ruin our current happiness worrying about something that happened in the past that we can't control, or worrying about something that may or may not happen in the future that we also can't control. And I came across this quote the other day, and it was like, it's funny how faith and fear both ask us to believe in something that we cannot see. However, we all are so easily consumed by fear and we believe so little in the faith of what it is that we want. And so it's little things like that, like changing your perspective to going, if you want to be a happier person, stop giving so much power to your fears and start giving more power to your faith. Like that is going to allow you to want to show up every single day as a much happier version of yourself. And so it's like when you can learn to not let the future and the worry about the future completely consume you, you will be so much happier in the present. So that just all comes back to being like focus on the present as much as you can. Like when you're going through your daily life, if you start to notice yourself spiral, and I'm someone that's honestly very guilty of this. And I don't think a lot of people expect this because I'm in the self-development space and I'm someone that's teaching you and making podcast episodes and making motivational advice and videos, and the realities is I actually struggle a lot with anxiety. And it's something that I almost didn't even realize that's what it was for the longest time. And then I've like talked to family and stuff, and apparently it's just something that really runs in my family, but I found like a very positive outlook into it, and I've also started to understand why your brain's doing that right. And so if I can understand, okay, my anxiety right now, if I'm starting to feel those feelings, I let myself sit with it, and then I ask myself, like, why am I feeling this right now? Like, what is the source of why I feel this? What am I worried about in the future that is stressing me out? What am I worried about in the past right now that's causing anxiety? And then from there, I'm able to like identify what that is, and then I can go, okay, do I have control over this situation? No, almost all of the time. And if not, I just let it go. And even sometimes when you do have control, it's about knowing, okay, but you you don't have control of the outcome or you don't have control of how the this person's going to perceive you or perceive the information, or also it's like maybe it's not even the control, but being like, am I gonna be good enough? Maybe you're about to present something huge, or maybe you have to do a trial class for something, and so you're just anxious, waiting to have to do this and and get this over with. And I think there's an element of that that's it's just normal, right? Like it's nerves in that situation, but it's also going, re-reminding yourself, whatever happens is what happens, and what's meant for me will never pass me. Like I think that is something that really helps re-ground me when I'm really struggling with anxiety about the future. So then that way I'm still able to enjoy the present. In that, if let's say you're it's Monday and you have this audition or you have something going up on Friday, it sucks to have that whole week of just feeling anxious and it like ruins that week, kind of. So if you can allow yourself to re-remind yourself that like everything's playing out exactly how it's supposed to, you are going to do the most preparation that you can so that you're prepared. This isn't about going, oh, whatever's meant to be will be, and I'm not going to prepare anything, and I'm just gonna show up. And if they like me, they like me. It's like, no, still give yourself the preparation because that's how you get that deep-rooted confidence within you to know that you're actually gonna do your best. But after you've done that work, there's nothing else that's up to you. And so you can give yourself that reassurance. And I have found that that allows you just to kind of reconnect to the present and go, okay, well, I'm gonna focus on what is happening right here, right now. And maybe that's you're hanging out with your friend or you're with your family, or maybe you're on a date, and you can just enjoy that moment, knowing that that that moment's gonna come, right? And so it's like it doesn't matter what you, it matters what you do within that time because so often I've been like someone that's that really wants to like take things take care of things right away, right? It's like, okay, well, if I'm feeling anxious and I'm feeling weird, I know if I just get this over with, then it'll be, then it'll be done and I can move on and I won't feel this anymore. But what I've had to learn to do is really sit with those feelings and be able to go, oh, I can hold having this feeling of anxiety and knowing that it can be taken care of later. It doesn't have to be taken care of right now, and then I can focus on what I have in the present moment and that this time is gonna pass anyways, and eventually we will get to this moment. But there is no point in ruining the present, being so concerned and consumed about the future. And so that has been something that I've drastically had to work on. And I do feel like being in Bali has kind of like helped with that. But more than anything, it's just the exposure therapy of like letting yourself actually sit within that. Like maybe this is something you resonate with, maybe it's not at all, but I think it's a huge thing that a lot of people do struggle with is just not allowing themselves to be happy in the present because they're so consumed about the future and worry about the future. And this is even something with like the career that I was in. And this is a huge reason why I made like the career switch that I did and like came over to Bali and was like, I'm I'm done living in this like survival mode, essentially being like, okay, I was always constantly worried about what's next, what's next, what's next. And it wouldn't allow me to enjoy the what I actually had in front of me. And so I think sometimes you also have to have the awareness for yourself to be like, maybe that does mean making life switches and life changes. And I've talked a lot about how of the reason I've done a lot of this is because I realized what I was doing wasn't bringing me fulfillment and it was stressing me out on top of this. I was like, I don't even really love what I'm with the videos I'm making for these companies, and I don't love that I have to kind of just take whatever projects I can get in order to make a certain amount of money so that I can sustain a certain type of lifestyle. So that's where I was like, okay, this actually isn't what I want long term, and it's not sustainable long term, and it's not gonna bring me joy long term. So you also have to have that really honest conversation with yourself of going, what is it that brings you joy and fulfillment beyond money and status, right? And this kind of circles all the way back to what we talked about at the beginning. It's like, yeah, temporarily the car might get you that happiness for a bit, but if you don't love the way in which you make money in order to get that car, you're not gonna have long-term happiness and fulfillment because you have to show up to work every single day and that car is just gonna become your car and it's gonna become your norm at a certain point where it's no longer gonna give you that excitement and the fulfillment when you look at it every single time or when you get in it every single time. What's amazing is you're if you're able to build something that you are so passionate about and brings you fulfillment and happiness, and then you're able to scale that enough where you can buy that car. Now all of a sudden, every single time you get in that car, you're like, I'm so proud of this thing that I've created. And then what you're doing every single day is also bringing you joy and fulfillment on a daily basis. Like that is the goal, right? Is to be able to get all the materialistic things that you want, reach all these super grand goals, but through something that actually you love and brings you so much joy. And so it is, if you're someone that's on the fence about being like, oh, well, I kind of want to pursue this thing, I don't love what I'm doing now. I would 100% encourage you to do and pursue the thing it is that you love because that is what will bring you long-term fulfillment. I think we so quickly feel pressure from society, our parents, family, like whatever, whoever that is, like boyfriends, girlfriends, to have to make a certain amount of money to have all of these certain things because that's the ideal lifestyle, right? Where it's like it's so much better for you to pull things back, take things slower, and then be able to reach all the goals that you have, but from a place that you're actually gonna be able to sustain because you actually love it, right? And so allow yourself to come back to that and figure out like what are the things that make you happy so that way you can actually work towards building a life that will make you happy long term versus so much up and down. And then also within that, it's finding those small things throughout the day that don't go away because it's like, okay, what if something does happen down the road and you lose a bunch of this stuff or you have to sell the house, or God forbid something happens that's like much more grand and dramatic? It's like, well, then what are the other small things that you still get joy out of on a daily basis? And I think another thing that we often overlook is the importance of community and how that can actually be really great for our happiness. And it's something that I've learned so much being in Bali, and I've talked about in past videos where it's like the place I was living in, not only were you in a survival mode with like work and career and all these different things that didn't allow you to be in a place of pure creation and like really tap into what brings you joy, but also a lot of these major cities aren't set up with community at the center, or like everything logistically is so much harder, or everything logistically is so much more expensive. So it's like rather than being able to get dinner almost every single night with friends, it's like, oh well, we'll go out maybe like once a week, or maybe for some people it's once a month, or for some people it might be what twice a year, you know, like depending on everyone's situation, it's different. But it's like when you are able to be in a an environment like this that allows you and had shown me the ability and to be with community more, I'm like, wow, this really is great for overall your overall well-being as a human and being able to have actual connections with people. And I think we so often, as we get older, our lives get so busy and everything's so spread out. And it's trying to, at least when I was living in LA, it's like if I wanted to get lunch with someone, it was like a five-hour production, which would take up my entire day. So you just can't see people that frequently. Versus here, it's like, oh, you are you gonna go grab coffee? Yeah, let's meet up really quickly because everything's so close to one another. And and I do think that now that I've learned that value of community and friendships, the way I would show up in a big city would be different and I would prioritize things differently. But it's just knowing for yourself that that community aspect is huge. And so it's like, how in your daily life can you start to show up more for your friends? How can you actually start to connect more with other people? Because a lot of times, this is what I was trying to say, and then I sidetracked was that we get so consumed in our own lives that when we do finally get the opportunity to meet up with people, we're not really building connections further. We're just like explaining what's been going on in our lives. We're like, oh, well, this is what happened here, and oh, you got this. Like, that's great, you can be supportive, but there's a lack of like gained experience happening at the same time, which is actually what Brit builds stronger relationships and friendships. So it's like if you are meeting up with someone, how can you guys figure out like an activity to do that isn't just like sitting down and getting coffee and like catching up with the girls and doing all your gossip? It's like, okay, maybe you do that, but then you go and like travel together or you like climb a mountain together, like you you achieve something together, you do something hard together, right? Like that really, really builds relationships and dynamics and also makes you happier. And the thing about happiness is a lot of times it's it's something that like we the happiness comes after we choose the thing that's hard, right? And I think we see this a lot. Like even when you go to the gym, it's like you might not want to go to the gym, but once you finish the workout, your your whole body's like rushed with dopamine and you're like, oh my god, I feel so good, like this is amazing. But that doesn't always mean that it's easy to actually choose happiness, right? Same thing where it's like, it's not always easy to wake up and choose to look at the amazing things that are happening in your life, but you know that if you choose those things, you are going to end up having so much better of an experience in just life in general. And the same thing applies to everything else. And so it's like sometimes, and I know for myself, I'd be like, oh, like I'm not really in the mood to like re-get ready and like go hang out with friends, like I'm tired, like I could just stay home. But every single time that I do, I'm like, oh my God, I'm so glad I went to that. Like that didn't actually take as long for me to get ready as I thought it was going to. And it and it changed and overall made my life better, right? And so I think sometimes you have to get over that initial hump to be like, oh no, I am gonna choose to do this thing that's a little bit harder in the present, which usually it's not even that hard, which maybe is it's literally just as simple as getting yourself ready and getting out the door. And then the second you're out the door, you're like, I'm so glad I did that. So you need to really remind yourself every single time you're having the feelings of, oh, is it worth it? Like, just go. Go without expectations. You know what, there's gonna be a few times maybe you go and you're like, oh, like I did not need to go to that, but at least you went, right? And the more you do that, the more your brain and yourself is gonna go, oh, wait, no, this normally is really fun, so I am gonna go ahead and do that thing. And also that's how you make your life feel longer and more fulfilling again, because you that's your brain associates time with memories, which is really interesting. And this is kind of like a side note, but it's like if you are living the same day over and over and over again and you have the same schedule and the same routine, all of those days blend together because your brain's just trying to like uh make things more efficient for itself and compartmentalize like different sections within your mind. And that's why so many, like if you think about ages one through 10, that can feel a lot bigger or like 10 to 20. That feels like so long, right? But that's because there's so many new experiences happening between ages 10 to 20, then like 20 to 30, or especially like 30 to 40, right? So you actually need to be the person that puts in new memories, new challenges, new things, so that your brain goes, oh, like this happened this time, and this was a transformative moment for me. So I remember so much more, and your life all of a sudden gets so much more colorful, and time feels like you actually have more time to live, but that's through making the choice to make your life interesting. So after work, yeah, you might not want to go hang out with friends, but you should still go. That is what's going to make you happy. That is what's going to give you more memories, that's what's going to give you a more colorful life. You might not want to go to the gym, you should still go. Like the more you're able to do, and of course, you have to still take breaks within all this, right? Like I know that it's easier said than done, but it's like pick a day, like during the week, where you're like, okay, on Tuesdays, I'm taking myself on self-dates and we're just doing something different. Like, whether that's going to a movie by yourself, like it doesn't even need to involve other people. I think you should try and prioritize other people, but it's like if this means just you doing it, then you need to go do it. Or maybe there's one morning where you wake up earlier and you go and watch the sunrise. Like anything that you can do to make life more interesting for you and romanticize it, that is how you are going to make yourself not just happier, but also create more memories that makes your life feel more fulfilling and you have more to look back on. And of course, any gained experiences is also just going to continue giving you more knowledge and expand your mindset and expand who you are as a person. So, with all that being said, happiness is something that you choose on a daily basis. It's not something that just comes because you finally achieve something. It is something that you actively actually have to put in. And it does involve a little bit of work, right? To actively make the choices, to choose the happier thoughts, to choose to do the activities that make your life more colorful, to choose to look at the world in a specific way. Like that is how you find happiness in the now. And the beautiful thing is that you can choose to do that right this second. And the more you start to do it, the easier that will become, and the easier you'll start to seek out things that make you happy and bring you joy. And I encourage you again to really dive into what are the things that bring you fulfillment? Like, what do you actually like to do and do more of that? And you will start to live a much, much happier life. And on top of all that, I'll finish with saying like also surround yourself with other happy people. I think it's so easy to get sucked into like the negative mindset when everyone else around you is just complaining and complaining and complaining and oh, I hate this and I hate this and I hate this. Like, yeah, it's gonna be really hard to be happy around a bunch of unhappy people. So also if you recognize that a lot of the people in your life are constantly nagging, complaining, and are like stuck in that victimhood mentality, you actively have to be a person that walks away from that and starts to fill yourself with things that and people that bring you that happiness. Same thing with social media. It's like if you're constantly consuming really negative media, you have to change that. And I think some people go, well, I have don't have control over that. The algorithms are so good that what you engage with, they will show you more of. So actively go through and go, I'm only gonna like things that bring me joy, that bring me happiness. And that will also start to be given to you more on your phone and your social media. So that way, if whether you're speaking to people and connecting to people in person, you can be around happy people. And then also when you open your phone, you also start to see more happiness and more things that align with you on here as well. So both your digital world and your physical world are like lining up that allow you to more easily stay within that happy mindset, but knowing that happiness is a choice, it is a mindset and something that you have to actively choose every single day. So that is it for today's video. I hope that helps give you a little bit of insight into how that and just excitement that's like you can choose to be happy, right? Like you don't have to wait for happiness. Happiness isn't something that just like happens. You can just create it right here, right now. And so that is everything for today's episode. I will see you guys in the next one. Again, if you ever have any further questions or you just want video recommendations or specific things you need advice from, feel free to always message me on the self trials Instagram or I don't know, TikTok might be a little bit harder, but message me, DM me, send me an email through our website, and I'd be happy to chat with you guys. So thanks for tuning in, and I will see you in the next one. Bye.