Are your desires even actually your own (desire origins and fulfillment)

How much of what you want is actually yours and how much was handed to you by your family, friends, culture, or social media? In this episode, we explore the origins of desire, why so many people spend years chasing goals that don't truly fulfill them, and how to distinguish between what you genuinely want and what you've been conditioned to want.

For more honest conversations, advice, and real life application, follow along on our socials @TheSelfTrials. If you're ready to go deeper and actually do the work, explore our courses and journals designed to guide you through your own Self Trials on our website.

Transcript

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Hello everyone and welcome back to the self-trials where we cut through all the fluff and get real about what it actually takes to build your dream life. Jumping straight into the stuff you don't want to hear but need to hear. I'm your host, Kaylin, and today we are talking all about if your desires are actually your own. And you're probably like, what do you mean? Like, of course, the things that I desire are my own personal desires, right? Actually, they might not be. And this is something that's really, really important for us to identify, especially before we dive deeper into pursuing our goals and our dreams. And I think a lot of us don't even stop to ask ourselves this question. So I want to invite this question in. And I am, of course, gonna give you a much deeper explanation as to how a lot of people fall into this trap without even realizing it. Because last week we talked a lot about happiness and finding fulfillment. And I wanted to dive deeper into the fulfillment section and the fulfillment part of what we talked about last week because we talked about there, and I'll give like a quick little recap about how a lot of the times we go after things not because they actually fulfill us and bring us joy, but because we love the end goal, right? Which is totally normal, it's very human, especially with social media. All day long we're seeing different people's lifestyles, the things that they bought, the cars that they have, the house that they have, and we think, oh, that's what I want, right? Like that's the goal. Like I want the house, I want the car, but I don't care how it is I get it. I just want to be able to have the end goal. However, the thing, when you approach work from that place, you're not ever actually going to be fully fulfilled and happy. And that's where the whole phrase, like, money can't buy happiness comes from. And everyone's like, well, what do you mean? Like if I bought this, I'd be pretty happy. And it's like, yeah, of course, temporarily. But what happens when that car becomes your norm? Because at the end of the day, eventually that thing that you bought will become your norm. And people tend to forget that. They don't realize that. Just how right now you're probably living in the dream life of your current self or your younger self, yet you still desire more things. And that's because your life right now has become your norm. It's normal to you. The things that you used to once dream of and want so badly, you actually already have. And I think there's also something to say within that that's trying to re-pull yourself back and take a look at yourself from an outsider's point of view and go, wow, I'm so proud of myself. Like I've really done a lot of things, and I am so guilty of forgetting about how far I've come, right? And not taking a moment to appreciate the presence and that my younger self would be so incredibly proud of me and think that I am just so cool, right? But what happens is our life just becomes normal, or it happens so slowly and so gradually that it just becomes something normal. And so right now in your position, the car might seem like, oh, that's gonna fix all your problems. Like that's gonna be the coolest thing ever. Or if I have this house or I have this job or I have this thing and this thing and this thing, then I'm gonna be happy, right? Then I'm gonna be fulfilled. But like we talked about last week, that's actually not the case because those things become your norm. Because the house that you wake up in every single day all of a sudden just becomes the house you wake up in every single day, and it's not some big aspirational thing. And in order to achieve our goals, we actually have to normalize them, right? So a lot of the times we end up normalizing these things before we even actually obtain them, right? Like right now, if you want, like um, I don't know, a G-Wagon, that might seem like the coolest, craziest thing to you because it seems so far away from you. But as you get closer and closer and to the point where you're actually able to buy that car, yeah, of course, buying that car is still gonna be exciting, but it's gonna feel not as out of reach. It's gonna feel kind of like a normal thing for you to be able to do. So, what that means is that then that item is not gonna be the thing that gives you that fulfillment long term. And so the thing that's gonna give you the fulfillment long term is when you actually build something and are able to buy that car or that house from something that actually brings you pure joy and fulfillment and that you love to do because that's what you're doing on a daily basis every single day. And I think there's also this huge misconception that if you like everyone talks so much about passive income and it's like, oh, like I want to be able to like not work and like make all this money. And it's like at the end of the day, you still are working to an extent, right? It doesn't matter what industry that you're in. And I think sometimes we get sold this dream or this false advertisement of, oh, if you make passive income, I'm like, well, you still have to build something that is going to be able to be sold for passive income. And then you also have to continue generating leads and sales for people to buy that thing that is passive income. So while that work may be more enjoyable for a lot of people, and it might not be as many hours put in as other jobs, there still is some work involved, right? Unless you're someone else is like paying for all your stuff, or maybe you have a rich husband or rich parents or a trust fund. That's really the only time that you just have money and don't actually have to do anything with it, right? Of course, you get into investment accounts, so there's a whole world of finances that I'm learning more about that I'm excited to be able to share more so with you, especially as I dive more into my businesses and my companies and being able to bring that into the podcast and bring that into my social content more. But at the end of the day, you are still working to an extent. But what makes it not feel like work is when you love what you do. So the goal is to find what you love to do and do that right. And so that is all kind of about the fulfillment aspect of and how we so often just fall into trying to get the end goal versus understanding understanding what it's actually gonna take to get there. And the other side of that too is that when you actually love what you do, you have so much more capacity to be able to put in the work in the hours to actually get you all the things that it is that you want, right? Because I have so much experience with this where in the past I was always like, okay, well, I want all these different things. So what's the quickest way that I can make the money to get there? That is not the way you want to do it because you are gonna have such a hard time sustaining it and also putting in the hours, building the clientele in order to get there because you don't actually love it. Whereas now I'm working in an industry where I am working the most that I ever have. Truly. Like I am, I am up in the morning, I'm immediately into meetings, I'm immediately like, I'm like, I'm starving, I need to eat. Like, I never understood when people were like, oh, like I forget to eat because I'm so busy. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm like, oh, I get it now. Cause you're just going from one thing to another to another. And trust me, I still love food. And don't worry, I am still eating plenty. I love food. But it's the first time in my life. Like yesterday, I had a meeting back to back. I went and grabbed breakfast. I was working while I was eating. I have my food here. I'm like doing my work. And then I came back. I had to film a bunch of stuff. And I was like, okay, well, I want to go to the gym and I want to get that knocked out first. I also need to film something while I'm at the gym. So by the time I had lunch, it was like 3:30 p.m. And I was like, oh my gosh, that to me, I never thought that I would be someone that is able to delay food that much because I would be like, because I'd be thinking about it, right? But it's just like when you love what you do and you're so consumed by what you do, it is easy for other things to kind of fall off to the side. And so I think that's also something where you have to check yourself, even when you are loving what you're doing, still making sure you're prioritizing yourself in all of the right ways. But it just has been mind-blowing to me and so eye-opening how much or how large my capacity is when I actually love what I do and I'm so excited about what it is that I'm building. And I genuinely feel like it's not just great for me, but it's also gonna help so many people. And so that's all on the fulfillment side. And I know we kind of talked about this last week, that dives a little bit deeper into it, but then you also get into the desire origins and where your desires are actually sourcing from. And so I think for some of us, those desires source from wanting to have like the image, right? So you want to have the image of having the nice house, having the nice car, and and everything that you do to get that just sources from those materialistic desires. And again, wanting materialistic things is not bad. I'm the first one to say, like, I love nice stuff. I love luxury, but it's knowing that that's not the only thing that's gonna bring you that joy and that happiness. And I think that's a topic that's talked about a lot about like making sure your desires don't stem from negative things or oh, whatever, yada, yada, yada, yada. But the one thing that I don't see people talk about enough is knowing if your desires are actually your own or if they're influenced by other people around you. And I think this happens a lot when we're growing up, and I think it's also a huge reason why certain people go into certain fields within career or within their work, and then they they get their degree or they go through their certification and they realize at the end of it, they're like, I don't even actually like this thing. Like, I this, I didn't even do this for me. Or they're like, why am I so unhappy? I just I did all the schooling, I passed all the tests, like I'm I got the dream job. I should feel happy, right? And a lot of times that's because it was never actually your dream and your desire to begin with. And this, I think, can start from a very young age, and I think different people have different experiences of this or feel this more so growing up, where a lot of times our parents will put a lot of pressure on you to go into a certain career path or to go to a specific school. Like this isn't even always with like very wealthy families, right? This can be a number of different like ways that this could play out, or someone could come from poverty and they feel the extra pressure from their parents that they need to make something out of themselves to then provide for the family. Or maybe you had a sibling that was in a certain like frat or sorority house and went to a certain school or your whole family was in that. So you feel like you have to do that. So a lot of the times we are constantly doing what we feel like we need to please other people and to make other people happy, in turn, not ever actually listening to what it is we want deep, deep down. And it is so, so important. I cannot preface this enough that you have to follow your desires and what makes you happiest, regardless if you feel like that makes you selfish. Like this is not a time to be selfless. Like, there's a lot of times where, yeah, you can be selfish, selfless, but there's also a lot of times where you need to be more selfish. You need to choose your own happiness over other people, even if it's other people that you love, and that can be really, really difficult to do. And I think a lot of people can also carry a lot of guilt. And I think it's also understanding that the initial interaction of telling your parents, like, hey, I don't want to go to college, for example. I was very fortunate that my parents were actually very supportive of it. They're like, you know what, whatever makes you happy. Like I grew up in a in a household that was like whatever makes you happy. And I didn't realize until obviously I've grown up and heard other people's perspectives that that's actually quite rare, right? And that that's a huge blessing to have the freedom to just get to pick what makes me feel good. My parents could care less if I'm making $10 billion, my parents could care less if I'm making $5. And it's just ironic because I am a very like high-achieving individual. I I want to have all of these, I have these huge goals and I want to have the fancy car and the fancy house, and I want to give my family a specific life. But my parents could absolutely care less if that was the path I chose to take. Or tomorrow, if I called them and was like, you know what, I kind of want to give all this up and I just want to go like live in a small mountain cabin in the woods, they'd be like, sit, cool, if that makes you happy, great. And so I do feel very, very blessed in that department. But I also know that if my parents weren't like that, and of course you could sit here and say it's easier for me to say because I'm not actually experiencing it. However, I have experienced it to an extent that like none of my friends were very supportive, or like the people around me outside of my parents weren't very supportive, and I'll get into that more so in a second. But I think the thing that holds people back is the people that are closest to you, right? So it's your family. And when they, when you have to go have that conversation to say, hey, I don't want to go to college, they might at first go, absolutely not, or okay, you're on your own, right? Like, I'm not gonna support you. I don't condone that, I don't support that. And they might be really upset with you, right? And I think the best thing that you can actually do is hold your ground and and explain to them and say, you know what, like I still love you. Even and you also have to understand, like, being upset and mad at them doesn't really do anything, right? Like just showing them anger back is not gonna be the thing that helps bring you guys back together in an extent. I think the best thing you can do is be like, I understand like your perspective, I understand why you'd be upset and hurt. Here's my perspective. Share that with them, right? And if they choose to not listen to it, that's really unfortunate. And I think if they, I truly believe if they love you deeply and love you a lot, and I've talked to other people, especially living in Bali and living in LA, like a lot of people have had an experience like this that eventually they come back around or you go and do your thing, they see how happy that makes you, and you go and they go, okay, you know what? Like, I'm sorry, right? And and at the end of the day, you also have to know you might never get that apology, but it's knowing that like this is your life, and you do have to choose your happiness, even if that makes someone else not very happy for the time being, or maybe for the foreseeable future. Like, I know that dynamic is hard, and same thing where like you could have siblings if they're super excited about being like, oh, you guys are gonna go to the same school, you need to have the conversation where it's like, hey, I'm not gonna do this, and I have to choose myself. And I can guarantee you that more often than not, those people will actually be more supportive than of you than you think. Yeah, at first they might feel upset and that's justified, right? Like they're allowed to feel like, oh, like kind of let down by that. You have to then give them that space to then come back around. And more often than not, they'll go, I'm actually really happy for you, and I'm really glad that you're choosing to make that decision. But if you choose to just make them temporarily happy, all that's gonna do is make you miserable long term. And when you're a miserable person, no one else around you wants to be around you, right? So it's like if you choose to pursue a career just to make your parents happy, you're then gonna be a not very happy person. You're not gonna show up for them. You're probably gonna start to build a ton of resentment towards them, which is also just gonna redrive issues between your relationship, and then they're gonna be like, why are you always so angry or mad around me? And in your mind, it's like, well, because I did this thing for you, and then you're constantly like seeking them to have a certain response to you. You're expecting things from them because you're doing all this stuff for them. And that can apply to a number of different things, right? Versus when you just have the bravery and the courage to take the different path and just own who it is you actually are and vocalize that to people, even if that lets them down for a little bit, that is better in the long run for both you and everybody else. And this, of course, can also happen outside of just your close immediate family and friends. And that's also being aware of what is like kind of the societal pressure around like your friend groups and your school. And I know for me, it was like where I grew up, the normal path was okay, you you go to elementary school, middle school, high school, you you go to a college in the surrounding area. Maybe you get crazy, you go out of state, you meet someone there, you get married, you get a job, you have kids, and that that's life, right? Like that is how that works. And I knew that that wasn't for me. And I also knew that that meant other people weren't gonna be very supportive. And I, again, was very lucky that my family was like, yeah, cool, like whatever. And even some of my like immediate family outside of my parents weren't always the most supportive of it. And so that's kind of like another different conversation that I'm not really gonna bring onto the internet, but that you can feel that in different ways. You can feel siblings feel certain ways about certain things, you can feel cousins and aunt and uncles and grandparents feel certain things about certain ways, and even if they're not vocalizing it, you can tell that they don't necessarily approve of it or they think that you're crazy or you're weird. If you if people think you're crazy and weird, that probably means that you're doing something right. Because if you want to be different than everybody, you need to be doing something different than everybody. You can't just follow the same path because that's gonna get you the exact same outcome. So normally when I know that people are having a little bit of resistance towards what I'm doing, I'm like, that means I'm on the right path. Like I'm actually doing exactly what it is that I need to be doing. And that's something too I've learned through like entrepreneurship and being a founder. It's like you truly cannot care what anybody else thinks. The second you start to care what anybody else thinks, you are not able to do the work that you need to do and have the clarity to bring this thing to life because you are bringing to life a vision that exists only inside your own head. You cannot afford, truly, you cannot afford from even a financial stance to let other people and outsiders' perceptions of you be the thing that stops you and holds you back. And then this also applies to like friends when you're making those decisions, or maybe you have a best friend that you've been best friends with your entire life, and she had this dream, or you guys, when you were younger, had this dream of you go to the same school and you're on the cheerleading team together, or whatever that looks like. And then sometimes that you might grow up and start to realize that's not what I want to do. But then having that conversation is also just as hard as a family member or like your sibling, your parents, whatever that is. It's saying, like, hey, this isn't what I want. And again, they might feel hurt, they might feel left let down. And so that kind of comes back into like those close relationships. But even like within your whole friend group, people might talk about you. They might be like, oh, she thinks she's gonna go to LA. Like that was a lot of what I heard. Like, she thinks she's gonna go to LA, she wants to do this whole thing, yada, yada, yada, yada. I'm doing pretty well, and I'm very, very happy with my decision, is all I can say. And I will say that I am so glad that I did not let the noise of anybody else's opinions, any of the things people were saying behind my back, be the thing that stopped me from ultimately pursuing what I knew I needed to do. And it just blows my mind to think that if I would have let those other people stop me from actually living out my purpose, my life would look so entirely different. Like I wouldn't be in Bali right now. I wouldn't have lived in LA for eight years. Like, I truly'm like, I don't even know what my life would look like. And I mean, part of that's also because I I always knew I was gonna do this thing. I didn't even entertain the idea of what a plan B would be. I just only ever entertained plan A. I was like, this is what I'm doing. You don't understand when I say I'm gonna do it, this is what is happening. But it's insane to me to think that that was just one decision that completely changed the trajectory of my entire, entire life. And I have never been so glad that I had the courage and bravery to be different and make a different choice than everybody else. So I say all that because I encourage you to do this work before you actually start to move into the pursuit of something. And that could be a number of things. Like maybe that's not entrepreneurship for you, but maybe it's becoming a doctor. I need you to really sit with yourself and be like, do I want to be a doctor and why? Like when you ask yourself the reason why, that is such an important answer. Like, if you can't give a reason why outside of, oh, well, like my parents want to see me like follow in their footsteps, or I don't know, my siblings went to this school and I heard it's a good school and I heard it makes good money. It's like, no, no, do you want to help people? And then you need to see, like, what does your actual day-to-day look like as a doctor outside of the title of just being a doctor, right? A lot of people go, Oh, I want to be a doctor, it makes money, it's cool, it's respectable. But it's like, you do know every single day that you need to show up to clinics, you're gonna be speaking to people every single day. Do you like people that much? Do you like still having somewhat of that routine where you show up and maybe the specialty you're going into, you do surgery on certain days? Like, is the routine and is the daily life of that person something that you actually like and you actually want to do? Like, that is what you actually need to ask yourself so that way you don't go through the eight years of med school even more for a lot of people, only to figure out, like, I actually absolutely hate this, right? And I think we're forced to try and make these decisions of what it is we want to do at such a young age. But and I think there's there's not a lot of work around that, right? Because that's just the way the school system's set up and the way the college is set up and all this different stuff. And of course, you can make the decision just not go to college, take a gap year, experience a bunch of different things. But I think a way you can figure out what that thing is for you is just asking yourself why and going through what that day looks like. Like if you want to be, maybe you're like, I want to be an art, uh, a writer, I want to write books, it's like, okay, what does that realistically actually look like? It's like most of the time you're gonna be writing all day long. Okay, well, where would you want to do that at that's gonna make you the happiest? And then it's like, okay, can you also be okay with knowing that you're probably gonna get rejected a thousand times before you actually get a book put in? Like, if you're okay with all that because you love writing and you love the day-to-day, great, perfect, that thing's for you. But if you're like, oh, I just want to be a writer so I can get the recognition and I got bullied once because someone said that I wouldn't ever be able to have a book, it's like, is that why you're doing it? Or are you doing it because you absolutely love it and you still love it? Because I think sometimes we also try and like it's if we got like bullied for something when we were younger, we got told we couldn't do something when we were younger, that carries into adulthood where we still feel like we have to prove that we're capable of this thing, even though we no longer even care to have it or desire it. So there's all these little things that can actually be the stems of our desires versus like your deep-rooted fulfillment and passion for life. And I think there's also the reality of knowing that that changes. Like as we grow and as we learn things, like I used I moved to LA because I wanted to be an actor. And then I had to face the fact that I was like, I don't like acting anymore. And that was terrifying for me to go, oh, actually, this thing that I moved across the country for, and I like told everybody I was moving for acting, and I've been taking all these classes and invested this money into it, I just like don't like anymore. And I remember feeling like I was like, does that mean I failed? And I was like, no, you just don't like it. Like, that is not your life purpose. And now after choosing to drop that and stepping more into my life purpose, I'm like, oh, no wonder, right? And it it's it's also living proof that on the other side of having the courage to leave that, you actually get to embrace an even better, more beautiful, amazing side of yourself. But there is also that mental block within us of trying to hold on to old things to prove something to other people. So I have kind of been repeating myself, but it's just so fascinating to me that like sometimes these desires we don't even stop to ask ourselves where they come. So what the first thing I want you to do is ask yourself, is this goal something that I am actually willing to put in work and can do for years without results? Ultimately, the goal is for the results to come sooner, right? But it's like, can't is this something that you can do for years and years and years, or is it something that you're just romanticizing the end goal with? Because that's gonna be nearly impossible to actually stay within. And obviously, I have the entire creation course, like everything that I do is about like creating your dream life and like sh and helping other people reach that. And that's why it's something that's so important that we talked about at the beginning, so that you don't do all this work just to do all the work and go, oh my wait, I still don't feel great. Like I still don't love this, like why do I still feel unhappy and unfulfilled? So you can actually catch that at the very beginning. So that is pretty much everything for today's video. I hope that gives you a little bit of insight and just something to think about when it comes to choosing what life and goals you're trying to go after. And if you do already know what that is, just really reconfirming and solidifying for yourself that it is something you want and it's not something that someone else wants for you. So, with all that being said, I will see you guys in the next episode next week. Thanks for tuning in. Bye.