Carrie - The Math of Joy: Solving the Equation for a Life You Love

For 31 years, Carrie Helmer taught students how to solve for X—finding the missing number, balancing equations, and showing your work. But as retirement approached, she realized there was one equation she’d never solved for herself: Joy = ?

In this episode of Project You 2.2, Carrie shares her journey of rediscovering joy beyond grades, schedules, and expectations. From backyard adventures and Barbie houses as a child, to learning to say “yes” to life’s scary, exhilarating moments as an adult, she reveals the lessons that transformed her life—and how they can transform yours.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, anxious, or like life is passing by while you wait for the “right moment” to feel happy, this episode is for you. Carrie breaks down the simple formula she now lives by: 

Joy = (Presence + Purpose + Play) ÷ Expectations, 

and shows how stepping out of your comfort zone can ignite joy, confidence, and meaningful connection.

Tune in to hear how you can start choosing joy today—and take the first steps toward the life you’ve always wanted.

Ready to start living your best life? Visit www.projectyou22.org or email Carrie at carrie@projectyou22.org to schedule a free call and explore how coaching can help you uncover joy, confidence, and your spark for life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Welcome to Project U 2.2. I'm Carrie. For 31 years, I was a high school math teacher, and if you had walked into my classroom, you would have seen equations on the board, kids trying to solve for X, me walking around telling them to show their work. But then outside of the classroom in my own life, I was so focused on helping everyone else figure things out that I hadn't really stopped to ask myself some bigger questions. Questions about who I was becoming, what I actually wanted, and what made me feel good to be alive. So now I spend time helping people do exactly that. As a high school math teacher, I taught students how to solve for X. We would find that missing number, balance equations, and show our work and do the same thing to one side that we did to the other and try to isolate the variable. Then they would get the answer and they would circle it, box it in, or highlight it so that I could see their answer clearly. But most of the time there was an answer. And it was clear, it was clean, it either worked or it didn't. But somewhere along the way, not in my classroom, but in my life, I realized that there was one question I hadn't answered in a really long time. And that question is, what does joy equal? We live in a world that teaches us that joy is something to earn. Joy might equal success, or joy is equal to productivity, or tied to perfection. And I believed that for a long time, that if I just worked harder, if I helped more people, if I looked the part, or if I checked all the boxes, joy would appear at the bottom of the page like a neatly solved math problem. But the equation didn't balance because joy doesn't come from addition. It doesn't show up when we add more noise or more shoulds, more striving. It comes when we have the courage to subtract. And the thing is that when we are born, we are not born confused about joy. When we are kids, we're actually really good at it. I remember setting up entire Barbie doll houses on my bedroom floor, like fully committed. The kitchen would have its own space, and the living room had its own space. And sometimes I would have furniture, doll furniture. Other times we would just use everyday items around the house to make believe. And pretty soon after I got older and had more Christmas gifts, that Barbie doll house would spread out of my bedroom and into the hallway. And then we would ask for more things to add on for gifts, like a Barbie doll hot tub for the backyard. And I even remember filling that with warm tap water, like it was the most luxurious thing in the world. And we would spend hours setting it all up. We would plan it, we would move things around, we would create something out of nothing. And half the time, by the time we finished setting it all up, we were too tired to even play. Or it was time for someone to go home, and somehow it still felt like the best day. Or we would be outside for hours. We would rake pine needles in the woods to build our own house. We would drag items, whatever we could find. I still remember finding an old truck seat in way out back. It was on someone else's property that they had just dumped, and we'd drag that thing all the way to our spot because obviously that was going to be our couch. I also remember learning how to solve a Rubik's Cube, and then we would time ourselves and try to beat our own record. And this wasn't because we had to or it was some serious competition, but it just felt good and brought us joy. And we didn't need a reason, we didn't need a result. We did it because we just enjoyed it. And then one day, life changes. And it doesn't happen all at once, but it starts to happen little by little, like most things in life. And I remember sitting on the couch one night when I was a teacher and I had papers spread out all around me. It was a Sunday and I was planning for the upcoming week. All of the lessons I was going to be teaching, I was grading tests from the Friday before and just planning and thinking, okay, I just have to get through this. I have to get my tests graded. I have to get them in the gradebook. I have to get all of my plans together for the upcoming week, and then I could relax. And then I would get through it, but then there was something else waiting to be done, like packing lunches, doing laundry, meal prepping, cleaning up, helping my boys get started on a project and reminding them to study for a test so that they didn't procrastinate. And then it was tucking them in at night and asking about their day, listening. And even in those small moments, they were beautiful. And there was still, though, this underlying feeling of me not doing enough. And it was like no matter how much I did, there was always more to do. And in that stage of life, sometimes we, and I know I stopped asking myself really important questions like, what actually brings me joy? Not the questions that we have on our list, like what needs to get done and what does everyone else need, but really looking at me. Who am I outside of all of this? Outside of being a wife, a mom, a teacher. And there was a turning point when I hit my 50s. And it wasn't this big dramatic, like midlife crisis that I had. It was much quieter than that. And it was just this thought that I didn't want to wait until someday to feel good in my life. And I realized that joy isn't this complicated math problem. And it's actually just a really simple formula. I think joy is equal to a combination of being present plus having a purpose plus some fun, some play, and then dividing all of that by expectations because we lack those expectations that either we put on ourselves of things we should be and things we should be doing, or things, expectations that others put on us. So let me break it down just a little bit more. So joy is equal to, I said, being present. So your presence is just like where your feet are, where are you in that moment? And not thinking about what's coming next, not rushing to get to the next, the next deadline, the next thing, but truly just being present in that moment. And then adding your purpose, doing something that feels aligned to you, not something that just looks productive, not just being busy. And I think that can actually be a little confusing because we aren't usually aiming to just look productive and we aren't just looking for things to have a purpose, but something that truly just that we find joy in and that gives us purpose, not getting caught up in all of the little things that we think we should be doing. And then we need to add in some play, some fun, and just in allowing ourselves to be light again, to be curious, to be messy, to be creative, and then dividing all of that by those expectations. Because the smaller that our expectations are, the larger our joy becomes. The smaller expectations we have on planning an event, a party, a birthday, a holiday, a vacation, the smaller we make those expectations, the less we have to do, the more space we create for enjoying the moment, for living a life that feels aligned and includes the joy and allows us time to be present with those that we love. So I started noticing something about myself. I had spent a lot of years playing it safe. I would say no to things that felt uncomfortable, and I would just feel more comfortable staying in the background. I would overthink everything, but it kept me safe. It also kept me stuck because I knew that feeling of watching other people step into things and thinking, hmm, that looks fun. I wish I could be confident enough to do that, or I wish I could do that. So I started doing something simple. When something came up that made me feel uncomfortable, instead of overthinking it, I would just say, fine, I'll do it. And let me be very clear that I didn't suddenly have this magic exterior, this magic armor. I didn't suddenly just become fearless. I wanted to say no every single time. And it would have been easier, I would have had less anxiety, it would have taken less energy, and there was way less risk of messing up. But those moments, those moments that I said, fine, I'll do it. Those were the moments that changed so much. When I said yes to being recorded, to being on the school announcements, and I used to avoid that kind of thing, but then I switched. I decided to just push myself outside of my comfort zone and to say, fine, I'll I'll do it. Like the time I was asked to ride a bike through the gym during an assembly, weaving in and out on this electronic bike that I didn't really know how to ride. And it sounds easier than it actually was because I was weaving in and out of um community members sitting on the gym floor, and the entire student body was there, the entire staff, and the bike was way too big for me. It wasn't easy, or the time that I agreed to play in a staff versus student game, and then they asked me again and again. And when I stood up as a keynote speaker at a National Honor Society inductee ceremony, or when I taught a dance and spoke at a women's event, every single time I thought, what if I mess this up? What if I forget what to say? What if people notice things about me that I don't want them to? Or what if this just takes so much work? Because it will, I want to be prepared, and so it's going to take extra time. But I have found that those thoughts still show up and they don't go away. But I've learned that on the other side of those moments, that's where we feel alive. As a teacher, when I first started teaching, I used to think that my job was to connect with students, but to also make sure they got the right answers. And now I realize after years of teaching, that the best times in my classroom and when I coach people and when I tutor students now, the best thing that we can do for ourselves and for others is to keep asking better questions. Questions like, what truly lights me up? Or what am I ready to let go of? What if joy isn't something we find, but something we choose? And alongside of that, it's so important to start creating space in our lives, not by adding more things, but by choosing differently. Like maybe I I find joy in just sitting in my driveway with a friend or with family and creating our own little happy hour. And when the weather is nice, you notice that it brings all the neighbors out in Michigan because we don't get very many days of that warm sunshine. And so you see neighbors walking by and sometimes they stop and they join us. Those simple moments can just turn into something so meaningful and so much fun. Or the time I went last summer on a retreat to Greece and Italy with people I didn't know. And I remember thinking, I would have never said yes to this before. But somewhere in all of this, I started to feel like myself again. And nothing was ever perfect. But the reason I started feeling like myself more again was because I was present. I was saying yes more than no, and I stopped waiting until I felt ready, and I just started saying, fine, I'll do it, and started living again. So if you just pause for a minute and ask yourself something. When was the last time you were sitting with friends or family? You weren't thinking about what you had to do next, you weren't checking your phone, you weren't half in, half out, but you were there, truly present, laughing, listening, taking mental snapshots of the moment, and feeling like this is it. This is what life is about. When was the last time you felt truly alive like that? Not rushed, not overwhelmed thinking about all the things you had to do, but just present, connected, and honestly feeling lucky. And this isn't just you shining, you being center of attention, but it also isn't you sitting back, you being invisible. It's you shining, but you also pulling something out of other people too, and helping them feel seen, helping them light up. When opportunities come up, do you say yes or do you quietly just hope you won't get called on? If someone asks you to make a toast or to say a prayer or to send a quick video for someone's birthday, do you lean in or do you shrink back and dread the thought of doing that? Maybe people don't even ask you anymore because they already know you won't come through or you'll say no. And I get that, I lived that. But those moments, the moments that stretch you, that grow you, that create stories you'll tell for the rest of your life, that's what's meaningful. That's what brings us joy. And so when you start saying yes, even when it's uncomfortable, even when your mind is racing, something will shift and you just start becoming more confident, more present, and more you. You stop overthinking and you just start living. So if you're at a place where you feel like you've been playing small, holding back, or waiting until you feel ready, I want to help you change that. I help people step into those moments and to move through the fear to stop overthinking and to start creating a life that feels good to live. So that in five years, ten years, twenty two years, you're not looking back wishing you had done more. You're looking back, smiling at the memories, the people, and the moments where you fully lived. Where you didn't just want a joyful life or think that it would come someday or that that time has passed, but you actually created one right now, at whatever age you are, where you become the spark in your own life and for the people around you because it certainly has a domino effect. If that is something that you are ready for, you can go to www.projectU22.org to book a free call with me, or look in my show notes to see how to message me. We'll talk about where you are and where you want to go and what it would look like for you to start saying yes to your life. Because you don't have to have it all figured out. I will meet you right where you are, and you don't need the perfect formula, but you do get to choose. You get to choose to show up, you get to teach yourself how to be present again, and then you get to live it. Thank you for joining me at Project U Two Point Two. Have a great day and go out into the world to find some joy today.