Understanding Narcissism Part 1

Welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and today I’m going to discuss a personality disorder called narcissism. Because there is so much to tell about this disorder, this episode will be part 1. My next episode will be part 2, continuing the discussion on this harmful disorder. I believe my mother was a narcissist and I have encountered several narcissists in my life. It is a condition that can cause a lot of mental and emotional damage to its victims, and create huge borders in our minds about who we are. So let’s get started talking about how this happens right now. 

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Welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and today I'm going to discuss a personality disorder called narcissism. Because there is so much to tell about this disorder, this episode will be part one. My next episode will be part two, continuing the discussion on this harmful disorder. I believe my mother was a narcissist, and I have encountered several narcissists in my life. It is a condition that causes a lot of mental and emotional damage to its victims and create huge borders in our minds about who we are. So let's get started talking about how this happens right now. We all have some narcissistic traits because we try to be successful, we care about our own needs, and we feel pride in ourselves. Fulfilling our own needs is a healthy form of narcissism. It becomes a problem when the behavior turns to manipulation, exploitation, or control over others to fulfill their own needs. When these behaviors happen, the person may have narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD. NPD is a condition of mental health marked by a severe lack of empathy, intense grandiosity, and manipulative behavior affecting all of their life areas. Narcissistic personality disorder typically arises from a mix of genetic, environmental, and neurobiological factors, rather than just one single cause. Likely factors include childhood trauma, involving abuse, neglect, or loss, negative parenting styles, such as excessive pampering or extreme overprotection, and innate personality traits. It often stems from a combination of these elements, and again is a spectrum of qualities from a few to many, from slight to major symptoms. Experiencing trauma can cause an extreme lack of self-esteem, feelings of low self-worth, and a longing for validation and acceptance that hasn't happened during childhood. This can lead to a coping mechanism of narcissistic personality traits. I'm going to go deeper into those traits now. NPD has characteristics of a long-term pattern of grandiosity, an intense need for admiration, a lack of empathy for others, and feelings of entitlement. Individuals with NPD often believe they are superior, feel entitled to special treatment, and will manipulate others to feel better about themselves while actually trying to hide their low self-esteem. The core symptoms and behaviors of narcissism start with grandiosity and self-importance. These are very common symptoms of narcissists. They exaggerate talents or achievements and expect to be recognized as superior without actually accumulating accomplishments that show the perceived superiority. People who act this way are typically using grandiosity as a defense mechanism to hide their insecurities and lack of self-esteem. While they appear to be confident and think everything they do is great, they are actually hurting because they think they aren't good at things. They overcompensate for their abilities so no one knows the truth about their inabilities. They may even twist their reality to make themselves look more important or successful. They will lie or embellish the truth to create stories that either make them the victim to get sympathy or to make them look better than reality shows. I can remember as a child listening to my mother tell stories to people and being so confused because that was not what I recalled happening. She often twisted the story to make herself a victim to gain the sympathy of others. And I often heard stories of how helpful she was to others and how much they liked her, although those people never seemed to be involved in her life after the one encounter. Narcissists always have a need for excessive admiration. They have a constant, desperate need for compliments, attention, and validation. They like to be the center of attention, being told they look good and have a great personality and do wonderful things. They believe they are special or unique and need others to support that perception. They need validation and attention to prop up a fragile, unstable sense of self-worth and maintain a false image of superiority. Lacking internal validation, they rely on others to mirror their importance, using people as a means to manage their emotional, insecure, and often empty internal state. They may manipulate people's perspectives so that they feel sorry for the narcissist and give them the emotional support that they need. They may guilt the other person into doing what they want by making the person feel bad for not giving them what they want. They may use verbal abuse to bring down your confidence while boosting their own. They see relationships as transactional, where they are feeding off of manipulation of your feelings so they feel superior. They will make you look bad so they can feel better about themselves. I've had various relationships where the narcissist played on my kindness, showing their need, then praising me for being so good to them. This was never reciprocated back to me. I've also had experiences where the narcissist made me feel bad for not fulfilling their needs. I was told, after all I've done for you, and you won't do this for me, or told I was selfish for not being more thoughtful to them and doing what they wanted. These people used me to get what they wanted and needed, but did not consider what I wanted or how I felt. This caused me to get burned out on all the giving I was doing without anything in return, and was tired of the verbal abuse and guilt they caused me. Narcissists lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand, share, and feel the emotions and perspectives of another person. This ability is developed during the first three years of life, but can be learned later in life as well. Narcissists do not have the ability to feel emotional empathy, but may show it when it suits them. This is called cognitive empathy, and usually is used when they need to show it to maintain control over someone, or as a means to keep a partner complacent in an unhealthy relationship. They use the other person's emotions as a way to control and manipulate them further to get what they want from the relationship. Narcissists have an inability or unwillingness to recognize or accept the feelings, needs, or viewpoints of others. This is because they want all the attention, want things to go their way, and have only their needs met. They don't want time away from themselves to give others attention. It's just taking for them with no giving back. I've been in relationships with narcissists where I was told I was too sensitive, too needy, and wasn't shown compassion for being upset about something. The narcissist often dismissed my feelings, ignored them, or criticized me for even having those feelings. They wanted me to recognize, support, and even fix things for them, but I could not expect the same in return. And if I asked for that back, I was berated for expressing a need. Narcissists feel a great sense of entitlement. Entitlement is unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment, or automatic compliance to their wishes. Again, it's all about them, what they want and what they need. They feel they should be given attention, praise, and all they want just because they think they deserve it. They don't think they should have to work for these things, act a certain way, or accomplish anything, to be granted everything their heart desires emotionally and physically. They will not reciprocate behaviors and relationships to form a healthy connection. They will not work for acknowledgments or accomplishments, but expect to be given the recognition. And they will expect continuous fulfillment of their needs, no matter your intentions or desires. Narcissists can have exploitive behavior as well. Exploiting someone means taking advantage of them to achieve your own goals. These are typically emotional goals like attention, praise, or admiration in the case of a narcissist. Narcissists are fueled by validation and will manipulate or use others to get it. They don't care about the other person's needs, so they will often offend or hurt the other person's feelings to get what they want. They will manipulate stories, events, or conversations so that they are seen as the better person, no matter whether they are lying or embellishing the truth, or if they have to make someone else look bad. They have no problem insulting, criticizing, or abusing another person verbally so that they get what they want and look like the better person. Narcissists often experience jealousy and envy. While they appear to think they are perfect and can do no wrong, narcissists are often feeling deep envy of others, especially those who are getting attention, have reached success that they desire, or are simply liked by other people. If they perceive someone as better than them or a good person, and the narcissist really believes they are not a good person, they will do everything they can to make that person look bad, and possibly will lie to others about them. I found out that my mother had lied to many people about me, making up stories about how I was verbally abusive to my son, that I was selfish and unappreciative, and she lied to me about people that I liked, painting them in a bad light so that I did not like them and hopefully liked her more. Until I was old enough to know better, I believed her lies. Because why would a mother lie about and to her own child? I now realize that my mother was jealous of my likability, my sensitivity, kindness, and my motivation to be successful in my career. Because I was all the things she could not be, she was determined to make me look bad to everyone she could, thinking that it made her look better. Now I want to talk about what's going on in the mind of a narcissist. Narcissism can be developed due to several situations, one being parenting styles that involve emotional neglect, rejection, or inconsistent or overindulgent praise. This can lead to a lack of emotional regulation and consequently narcissistic traits. If as a child you were raised without acceptance, praise, or emotional support, you may learn that in adulthood you are going to get those things no matter the cost to others. Narcissistic behaviors feed a need that was not met in childhood. The other alternative is a child who was given an abundance of acceptance, praise, or emotional support. Some may say this is a child who was babied or spoiled and could do no wrong according to their parents. This overindulgence of attention from the parents can cause a child to become an adult who expects this behavior from everyone and is reactive when they don't get it. Another situation that can cause narcissism is childhood trauma and abuse. The trauma created so many negative self-images for the narcissist that they develop traits to counter those images. Those traits are centered around getting the positive acceptance, admiration, and validation that they were not provided as a child. They will use these traits to fuel their self-image at all costs, but these traits actually harm the relationships a narcissist tries to develop due to their lack of empathy or care for others' needs. Narcissism becomes a coping mechanism for the pain caused by trauma, abuse, and neglect during childhood. There's also the possibility that narcissism can be caused by heredity. Studies have shown that people with narcissism have less gray matter in their brain, and this trait can be passed on to their children. However, it is suggested that narcissism can be a combination of childhood experiences and inheritance of genetics. A person who experiences childhood trauma is more likely to develop narcissism if their genetics are predispositioned to develop it. This is an example of why children raised in the same traumatic home may turn out so differently. One may be more genetically inclined to develop narcissism. That also does not mean that just because they are not predestined genetically, that they won't develop narcissistic personality disorder if they experience trauma. However, NPD is one of the most common disorders and coping mechanisms for those who experience childhood trauma. Whatever the cause, all narcissists are not feeling on the inside what they are showing on the outside. They appear to be confident, arrogant, and often presumptuous. They seem to be sure of themselves, powerful and in control. However, these traits are a cover for what is really happening inside them. They use the fake it until you make it mentality to try to hide their perceived inadequacies. Narcissists have a very fragile self-esteem. Despite a confident exterior, they are highly sensitive to criticism or perceived slights, which can trigger narcissistic rage. When they feel they are being humiliated, challenged, disrespected, or when they don't get the attention they want, they become angry. This anger is usually misproportioned to the action that upset them, and is from a twisted version of what happened, making them a victim of insult and a threat to their ego. The anger or rage is destined to dominate or intimidate the perceived offender, often resulting in severe emotional abuse, broken relationships, and lasting fear. My mother was an expert at doing this. Every time I came home from visiting my dad, I would get questioned about what we did, where we went, and how much money he spent. She would say things like, and I suppose you had a good time, you like doing all that. The first few times of her asking this question, I was honest and told her, yeah, that I enjoyed what we did. This was met with a long verbal attack about how selfish, inconsiderate, and ungrateful I was of her. I was so confused as a child because I cannot see how visits with my dad had anything to do with how I treated her. But she saw my good time with my dad as a threat to her ego. She did this with other family members and friends that I had over the years as well. She did not put forth the effort to have good times with me and was mean, so I did not have good times with her. Then she would blame me for treating her badly when I had good times with others. I didn't treat her badly, but this is how she twisted the story. She guilted me into feeling bad for having good times and being happy while she kept making me feel worse. She manipulated my emotions to only show happiness when being involved with her. I learned quickly to lie to her if I did have a good time with others. Narcissists have relationship difficulties. They often devalue, manipulate, or gaslight others to maintain control, leading to toxic environments. Narcissists see relationships again as transactional, meaning that they look for what they can get from the other person. They don't value connection, bonding, or putting in the effort to fulfill the other person's needs. They do not have the skills to create healthy relationships because they are so involved in their own needs. They want a relationship for what they can get out of it. They like to control and manipulate the people in their lives so that they get all the validation, acceptance, and praise they want without ever offering any of that back to the other person. When the other person does not fulfill the narcissist's needs as the narcissist desires, they become vindictive and vengeful because they are angry they didn't get what they want. Most people do not enjoy being in a one-sided relationship or an abusive one, so they break ties with the narcissist. Narcissists struggle to make and keep friends. Their romantic relationships are often short-lived, but casual relationships may last longer because there is less opportunity for misunderstanding. Narcissists can behave, so to speak, for a short time. They can appear to be friendly, likable, and kind. However, this giving of positive behaviors could only last so long before their true identity is shown. A lot of narcissists have an underlying vulnerability. Behind the persona, they may experience depression or insecurity when they fail to meet their own unrealistic standards of perfection. While most narcissists display grandiose behaviors to give the appearance of being confident, there is another type called the vulnerable narcissist. These people do not display behaviors to show confidence, but rather play more of a victim for their life problems. These narcissists fear their incompetences and imperfections are going to be exposed. To hide this, they will use victimhood to accuse someone or something for their shortcomings. They will not accept responsibility for their own choices and decisions. They use their victimization to gain pity, attention, or to keep someone being kind to them. They may create a false self by acting certain ways that are appropriate when needed, lie about their accomplishments or choices, or present false blaming to cover their own mistakes and inadequacies. Narcissists rarely change their personalities because they refuse to accept or can't comprehend that they are the problem, that they need to improve their behaviors to be happier. It is much easier to blame someone else than to work on your own issues. Treatment for narcissism is challenging and often involves long-term therapy to help individuals develop better coping mechanisms and empathy. While they can feel genuine pain, narcissists often cannot tolerate feeling vulnerable for long, frequently turning to anger, blame shifting, or manipulation to regain a sense of control and power. I will add some links on my website to tests that determine if you or your partner or a friend are narcissistic. You can find that at breakingarborders.com. In my next episode, Narcissism Part 2, I will talk about what tactics narcissists use on their victims, how those tactics impact the victim, and what the victims can do to stop the abuse. You can find that episode on your favorite podcast provider or on my YouTube channel by searching Breaking Our Borders on YouTube. Please also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Thanks for listening.