Episode 18 = Narcissism Part 2

Welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and this episode is part 2 about narcissism. In the first episode I discussed what narcissism is, what causes it, and what is going on in the mind of a narcissist. In today’s episode I’m going to tell you about the tactics they use on their victims to get what they want. I’ll also explain the borders this creates in the victim’s mind. So let’s get started talking about those borders right now.

Transcript

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Welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and this episode is part two about narcissism. In last week's episode, I discussed what narcissism is, what causes it, and what is going on in the mind of a narcissist. In today's episode, I'm going to tell you about the tactics they use on their victims to get what they want. I'll also explain the borders this creates in the victim's mind. So let's get started talking about those borders right now. Victims often experience confusion, chronic self-doubt, social isolation, trauma bonding, and physical symptoms like chronic fatigue or insomnia. These issues are caused by the tactics used by the narcissist to control their victims. I'm going to talk more about those tactics right now. Tactics used by narcissists to control their victims are forms of emotional manipulation. Manipulation is behavioral tactics used by narcissists to gain control, superiority, and validation. Manipulation is behavioral tactics used by narcissists to gain control, superiority, and validation. They also have a lack of empathy and a tendency to treat others as objects to fulfill their own needs. These behaviors often escalate, leading to toxic, one-sided relationships where the partner feels confused, isolated, and drained. Because of their low self-esteem and fear of being exposed for their lack of positive personality traits, narcissists use manipulation to appear to be confident and perfect. They view relationships as transactional, a means to fuel their ego, not for creating healthy connections. They use people to enhance their self-image, no matter the cost to the victim. These tactics of manipulation cause the victim to create borders in their minds about their own self-image, self-esteem, and mental stability. These events typically happen slowly over time, allowing the narcissist to suck in their victim to create control without the victim realizing what is happening. Projection is one of the many tactics used by narcissists. This is a defense mechanism for the narcissist that provides them with a shift in blame from their faults to putting those faults on the victim. They project their faults or failures onto the victim. It allows the narcissist to uphold their image of being perfect, supports their fragile self-esteem to believe they are not the bad person, and boosts their superior image by pointing out how wrong their victim is. They are not the bad person. The victim is because they rewrote the story in their minds to project the negative image onto another person. An example of this is when my mother would call me a selfish, inconsiderate little bitch. She was really recognizing herself as those things. She called me this name many times throughout my childhood. I had done so many things for her that showed that was not who I was. But those things actually pointed out to her how much she was not like me. This anchor her ego, so she projected that pain onto me, the one who had inadvertently caused her that pain. It was not my fault that she had the traits that she did, and I should have been able to embrace the traits I had. But as a child I was not aware of any of this psychological manipulation, and therefore believed the things my mother told me. Projection can cause the victim to have damage to their self-esteem, cause feelings of confusion when reality is one thing, but the narcissist creates the opposite, and feelings of never being able to do anything right. I did not want to be a selfish inconsiderate bitch, so I did everything I could think of to prove to my mother that I wasn't that kind of person. Nothing worked, but I still tried so hard to prove to my mother that I wasn't that person. I was confused as to why she still started me as that kind of person when I was doing so many things that showed the opposite. I began to believe her opinion of me because I couldn't do anything to disprove it, so it must have been true. My self esteem was shot because I felt horrible about being a selfish inconsiderate bitch. And that was supported by the fact that I wasn't able to find the right things to counter her opinions. She created the borders in my mind that I was not only selfish and inconsiderate, but that I wasn't good at anything, and was too dumb to know how not to be this way. Gaslighting is another tactic used by narcissists. It is a form of severe emotional abuse where a narcissist manipulates someone into doubting their own reality, memories, or perceptions to maintain emotional control of their victim. Common tactics include flat-out denials. That never happened, shifting blame or trivializing feelings like you're too sensitive, and creating confusion to foster dependency on the victim. Denying reality is flat-out disbelief of the actual reality that the victim presents. So many times when dealing with narcissists, I have been told that's not what I said, or that never happened. It is a defense mechanism for them where their mind erases the truth and creates a new truth that supports their image. Shifting blame is like projection in that they are saying the victim is the problem, not them. If the victim had not caused a problem, then the narcissist would not have to behave in the way they did. Trivializing your feelings allows the narcissist to not have to take responsibility or blame for how the victim feels. They don't know how to handle other people's feelings in a healthy way, so they shut down the victim by accusing them of having the wrong feelings. Creating confusion for the victim allows the narcissist to create their own reality, possibly shifting blame to the victim, and makes the victim feel like maybe they are in the wrong. All of these tactics make the victim doubt their reality, causes feelings of being the crazy one, and hinders their self-esteem. The victim is constantly wondering, what did I do? I thought this happened, but they don't see it that way. So maybe it was me. I wish I had a dollar for every time I was told you're too sensitive or you're overreacting in the narcissistic relationships I have had. Another favorite response of my mother, by the way. The narcissists were dismissing my feelings because they did not want to face the blame that I was presenting. They don't want to admit they did anything wrong and certainly won't put forth any work in making the situation better for the victim. So it is the victim's fault once again. Being told so many times that your feelings are too much can cause a person to believe that they shouldn't share them, that they need to minimize them and change them to what the narcissist wants. This is not a healthy emotional state for the victim, but gives the narcissist exactly what they want. The narcissist emotionally controls the victim so that the narcissist doesn't have to change their image or provide support that they don't know how to give. This tactic creates borders in the victim's mind that their feelings don't matter, that they are not acting right to make the narcissist happy, and that they need to change who they are because their feelings are viewed as wrong by the narcissist. Guilt is another manipulation tool used by narcissists to control their victims. Projection and gaslighting cause the victim to feel like they are the problem and the reason why the narcissist isn't happy. This happens because the victim feels guilt for upsetting the narcissist. Often when accused of upsetting someone, our initial reaction is, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. And we may do something to make the person feel better. Narcissists thrive on this treatment. And then they will play on that guilt of the victim to get more acceptance and fuel their ego of being the one who was wronged. Then they also use phrases like, after all I've done for you, this is how you treat me, to make the victim feel guilty for the perceived wrong. And the way of doing is probably perceived only by the narcissist. They will manipulate the situation to be the victim, then blame the real victim for being in the wrong. Long-term feelings of guilt can cause the victim to have borders in their minds of worthlessness, lower self-esteem, and anxiety of trying to find the right behavior that will make the narcissist happy. Love bombing and devaluation is another tactic. In the beginning of a relationship, the narcissists behave, so to speak, and act in a way that the victim sees them as a wonderful person. This is often done with love bombing. Love bombing is a showering of affection, attention, or gifts to gain control of and form an emotional dependency on their victims. In the beginning of a relationship, the narcissist will provide excessive amounts of attention, affection, and praise for the victim to create an image of being a kind, caring, and generous person. This tactic is to lure the victim into a false sense of being taken care of, accepted, and loved by the narcissist. However, this facade does not last long. Narcissists struggle to give anyone else attention, and if they do, it is to get something out of the relationship for themselves. Love bombing expressions do not come naturally to narcissists, so they won't show that behavior for long. When the love bombing stops, the narcissist will switch to using other manipulation tactics to control the victim's emotions, keeping the victim feeling confused, hurt, and changed into someone they're not just to please the narcissist. Love bombing sucks the victim into the narcissist's grasp, providing them with someone to use to boost their self-image. Narcissistic triangulation is another tactic where the narcissist brings a third person into a two-person interaction to create tension, jealousy, or conflict. This technique is used to maintain control, avoid accountability, and bolster their own fragile ego by positioning themselves as the superior or victimized party in the trio. The narcissist becomes the central figure in the relationships and controls the communication between the two victims. Having one of the victims on the narcissist's side gives the narcissist a feeling of being right because someone is on their side, but the one who is on their side can switch between the two victims, usually without the victim's knowledge of what's happening. If it is found out, the narcissist will blame the other victim for being the problem. My mother did this with my brother and me. She would complain to me about how awful my brother was to her, then, unbeknownst to me, was complaining to my brother about something I had done wrong by her. One day I went to my brother to be sure he was okay after something my mother had told me about him, and found out that everything she told me was a lie. Then my brother told me all the things my mother had told him about me. Again, all lies. Another tactic by narcissists is called Darvo D A R V O. This is an acronym for the action of deny, attack, then reverse victim and offender. This works by the narcissist denying anything they are accused of or that they perceive as an attack. They attack the victim back, even if the victim did nothing wrong, then reverse the situation so that the victim becomes the offender and the narcissist becomes the victim. This has been done to me many times. Using the example from before about my mother using triangulation on my brother and me, I called her out on her lies. She began to sob hysterically, calling that I was the one lying, that she could not believe that her daughter would accuse her of such things, and then attacked my character by saying I was a liar. They cannot handle being called out on their hurtful behavior because this attacks the image they have tried to create of being perfect. It proves that they are not the good person they pretend to be. When their image is attacked, they will become furious and attack the accuser. They refuse to accept or acknowledge any faults of their own and get very angry when anyone else points them out. They can also perceive a lot of behaviors of criticism that aren't meant to be. Any suggestions, disagreement of opinion, or helpful suggestion can be viewed as an insult to the narcissist. While the victim may be just trying to be helpful, the narcissist sees it as a harsh disapproval or criticism of them, their ideas and their behaviors. If the narcissist uses the Darvo tactic, the victim may feel confused and shocked at the narcissist's response. They may feel guilty for their perceived unkindness and plead with the narcissist to understand that they did not mean to upset the narcissist, apologize for upsetting them, and maybe even spend time feeding the narcissist's ego to please them and get back on their good side. I have been in situations with a narcissist where there was discussion about a topic and I was asked for my opinion. I made a slight suggestion about something like a hairstyle or fashion choice, and was then accused of being mean for criticizing their current choice. I was so confused as to why I was seen as being mean and critical after being asked for my own opinion. I have been in relationships with narcissists where I have provided help when they needed it. After a while of giving this help, I explained that I can no longer provide the assistance. The narcissist was angry with me for not continuing my help, but didn't recognize that it was an assistance that this should go on forever. I expected them to find a way to provide the help for themselves at some point, but because it was not a good time that they wanted to do it, they turned the situation around to make me the bad guy. I was blamed for being controlling and sensitive and selfish, for not continuing to provide them with the help they wanted. In some of those situations, the narcissist ended the relationship because they were not getting from me what they wanted. Before I understood what was happening with the narcissist, I would bend over backwards to please the narcissist when I thought I had wronged them. I would apologize, revoke my behavior, and overindulge the narcissist in hopes they would no longer be upset with me. When the victim recognizes that the narcissist is only taking, never giving, they may decide to call the narcissist out on their behavior or end the relationship. If this happens, the narcissist will react in a couple of different ways. The narcissist may start out with the Darvo tactic and then may give the silent treatment, use a smear campaign to show everyone they can that the victim is a bad person, or hover over the victim if the victim tries to end the relationship. The silent treatment is just that, being silent in the relationship, ignoring the victim, and refusing to address the problem. The narcissist sees this as a punishment for the victim's behavior. The punishment is probably unwarranted and misguided from the narcissist. The narcissist may also sneer the victim to all other connections they have to show others that they are not the bad one the victim is. They will make the victim look as bad as possible to everyone they can in order to boost their ego. Narcissists will do anything they can to place blame and criticism on someone else to uphold their self-image of being perfect and good. Now I'm going to talk about what narcissism looks like in various adult roles. The human bond to parents is a fundamental biologically driven attachment formed in early life. It is essential for survival, emotional regulation, and brain development. This deep, often lifelong connection is nurtured through consistent care, physical affection, and responsive interaction providing a secure base from which children can safely explore the world. However, when the parent is a narcissist, the opposite happens for a child. There is no consistent care, physical affection, and responsive interaction. No secure base is formed in the home to allow the child to safely explore the world. Narcissistic parents prioritize their own needs over those of their children. These parents are often demanding, critical, or controlling. They expect their child to cater to their need for validation, but children do not understand how to do that. When the child cannot fulfill their parents' unreasonable needs, the child is chastised, demeaned, and manipulated into learning what to do to fulfill the parent's needs. This prevents the child from being able to form their own identity, enjoy childhood experiences, or learn healthy social interactions because they are manipulated into being the person the parent needs to fill their delusional view of being perfect and good. In romantic relationships with the narcissist, the beginning is wonderful. The narcissist uses love bombing to make the partner believe they are a good person, someone who is attracted to them and loves everything about them. The victim can be swept off their feet with the endearing feelings being given by the narcissist. Unfortunately, the love bombing doesn't last long. Once the narcissist feels comfortable with their control over the victim, the mask falls off, and they return to using the manipulation tactics that give them emotional control. When in a romantic relationship, we want to make our partner happy and be happy. This is done by being considerate of each other's needs. Narcissists are incapable of doing this for long periods of time. Their focus is only on themselves and using others to meet their needs. A person typically doesn't want to be in a relationship where they are not happy, abused, and manipulated. Narcissist have a hard time maintaining healthy romantic relationships. If the partner is an empath, the relationship will likely last longer than if not, but I will talk more about this type of person in my next episode. Narcissism with friends or co-workers creates a different situation than with a parent or romantic partner. It is easier to remove yourself from this type of relationship because it is voluntary and not rooted in the biological desire to connect with parents or the devotion given to romantic relationships. The characteristics of the narcissist are the same and the tactics used are the same, but may not be as intense since time spent with a friend or co-worker may not be as much as with a parent or a partner. Friendships are probably the easiest relationship to limit or end, but relationships with co-workers are harder. Most of us cannot just quit our jobs instantly because a co-worker is a narcissistic jerk. However, it may be possible to establish boundaries so that time spent with the coworker is limited. Being involved with a narcissist, no matter what type of relationship, can cause traumatic effects on their victims. Victims frequently experience depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD due to chronic sustained manipulation. Emotional manipulation is abuse and causes victims to doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity, leading to confusion and loss of self-confidence. Constant criticism and devaluation result in feeling broken, unlovable, or guilty for the abuse. Narcissists often isolate victims from friends and family, creating a sense of entrapment and dependence. Intense emotional attachment to the abuser can happen as a result of the narcissist sometimes love bombing the victim, making it difficult to leave or break free from the relationship. Victims may suffer from physical issues, including insomnia, nightmares, chronic pain, or panic attacks. Survivors of narcissistic abuse may find it difficult to trust others, leading to hypervigilance or complete withdrawal from future social or romantic connections. Parental narcissism can change the mindset of the child that will cause the child to struggle with emotional, mental, physical, and social well-being. This is childhood trauma, and I would discuss this in previous episodes. So check those out. To learn more about the negative impact narcissistic parents can have on their children. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner can cause many of the same negative impacts as having a narcissistic parent. Recovery from a narcissistic relationship typically requires specialized therapy and establishing strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, there are some steps to take to end the relationship. One thing is to document everything. Keep a journal, save text, or take photos to remind yourself of the truth. Since narcissists are so good at manipulation, it is good to have written evidence that their perception is not reality. Another thing to do is to disengage with the narcissist. Do not engage in arguments, as their goal is to confuse you, not resolve the problem. There is a method called gray rock for dealing with narcissists. This means that you act as uninterested as a gray rock. You do not argue, acknowledge, or interact with the narcissists in any way that can fuel their urges to control you. You give simple one-word answers when communicating with them like yes, no, okay, I see, etc. This will deflate their urge to control your emotions because they will see you are not interacting with their manipulation. They will back off and you will feel less of the effects of their manipulation. Another option is to set boundaries with the narcissist. This means setting some rules for your relationship with the narcissist and demandingly follow them. One way is to disengage when they become angered, accusatory, or abusive. Tell them things like I will not continue to talk with you if you are going to yell, or that is not how I see it in a calm voice. If they continue with their abusive behavior, remove yourself from them and stop the conversation. You need to emotionally detach yourself from their behaviors. Stop allowing their words to affect you, to cause you hurt, and control how you see yourself. This is very difficult to do when you care about the narcissist and have spent a long time building the relationship. However, it may be the only way to keep your sanity and emotional health. A final option is to go no contact with the narcissist. This means to cut all ties with the narcissist permanently. This method is extremely difficult with family or a romantic partner, but again, it may be the only way to keep your sanity and emotional health. I did this with my mother and in romantic relationships and some friendships. These were difficult decisions to make, especially with my mother, because I so wanted our relationship to be different. I wanted that in all of those relationships. It is extremely rare and unlikely that a narcissist will ever change. You cannot subject yourself to constant emotional abuse without it having a long-term negative effect on you. And you deserve to be emotionally healthy in all of your relationships. However you decide to handle narcissistic relationships, it is helpful to seek support. Whether that is through therapy, educating yourself on narcissism, or seeking support from groups on social media or from family and friends. Make sure you are getting the support you need to see your true reality and not the distorted one the narcissist forced on you. I hope this episode and my last one has helped you to better understand narcissism and the hurt and pain that comes from being in a relationship with a narcissist. I'm going to put a journal prompt on my website to help guide you through what you need to acknowledge about a narcissistic relationship you have had, how it has affected you, and what you can do to heal from that relationship so you can have an emotionally healthy life. You can find that prompt at breakingarborders.com. Please follow me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. I hope you will continue listening to my podcasts and your favorite podcast provider. Thanks for listening today.