Breaking Our Borders Episode 19- Empaths

 Welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and in today’s episode I’m going to talk about Empaths. Empathy is a personality trait, and basically the opposite of narcissists. Since I talked about Narcissists in my last two episodes, I wanted to talk about a personality trait with different motives than the narcissist. Empathetic personality traits can form in many of the same ways that narcissism does, and while a more kind trait, empaths may also have some borders in their minds that affect their happiness. Let’s get started talking about empaths and their borders right now. 

Transcript

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Welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to talk about empaths. Empathy is a personality trait, and basically the opposite of narcissists. Since I talked about narcissists in my last two episodes, I wanted to talk about a personality trait with different motives than the narcissist. Empathetic personality traits can form in many of the same ways that narcissism does. And while a more kind trait, empaths may also have some borders in their minds that affect their happiness. Let's get started talking about empaths and their borders right now. Beyond just feeling sympathy, empaths experience deep emotional feelings, often taking on others' stress and pain. They are extremely compassionate, intuitive, and caring, sometimes to a fault because they care so much about others' happiness that they forget to take care of their own. Because of their generous nature and willingness to help others, they are often taken advantage of by more selfish people who will use empaths to fulfill their own emotional needs. So how does someone become an empath? Genetics and biology can be the cause. Some individuals are born with a genetic predisposition toward higher empathy, sometimes linked to differences in the oxytocin receptor gene. These receptors are found in the nervous system to help promote prosocial behavior, while vasopressin receptors promote more selfish behaviors. Having this gene provides higher levels of oxytocin receptors and is associated with higher levels of empathy, love, and bonding. Empaths often come from families with similar traits, suggesting a genetic transmission of sensitivity. People from this type of family are likely being taught these social skills as well since they are in an environment of empathetic people. Neurobiology and brain structure can also have an impact on whether or not someone is an empath. Empaths often have more active brain regions related to emotional processing. Research shows individuals with high empathy have more gray matter in the part of the brain that controls emotional understanding. Gray matter is an essential part of the brain that processes information between the various parts of the brain. The more gray matter means the more complex information being processed in the brain. Some empaths may have a hyperactive mirror neuron system. The mirror neuron system is a part of the brain that fires during experiences, which causes people to physically feel the emotions and sensations of others. For empaths, this part of the brain is hyperactive and hyperresponsive, causing them to have heightened abilities to understand what others are feeling and experiencing. For empaths, highly responsive mirror neurons can lead to absorbing others' stress, anxiety, or physical pain, causing a necessity for the setting of strong emotional boundaries so they don't feel burnt out. Research also suggests that trauma can be carried through DNA, which can influence an individual's empathy levels. While genetics play a role, empathy is also heavily influenced by environment, including early childhood experiences, trauma, and upbringing. Growing up with empathetic parents can nurture this trait, as can childhood trauma or neglect, which can force a child to become highly attuned to the moods of others for safety. Childhood trauma often creates empaths by forcing children to develop heightened sensitivity as a survival mechanism in unsafe, unpredictable, or neglectful environments. To anticipate threats and manage caregivers' emotions, children become hyper-vigilant, scanning for emotional cues and prioritizing others' feelings. Children in traumatic environments must read the room to survive. This builds a hyper-awareness of facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, which later translate into intense empathy. Empathetic abilities develop as a way to sense anger or dysfunction before it happens, allowing the child to adapt, soothe others, or hide to avoid harm. Children may lack the ability to regulate their own emotions, leading them to become overly attuned to the emotions of others to create a sense of stability, safety, and control. By focusing entirely on others' emotions to ensure their safety, children learn to ignore or suppress their own feelings, resulting in a lifelong tendency toward self-sacrifice. Trauma can make the amygdala, the brain's emotional center, hyperactive, intensifying the ability to feel what others are feeling. While not all trauma survivors become empaths, many do, with research suggesting that childhood trauma correlates with higher emotional intelligence in adulthood. The techniques used to monitor a caregiver's volatile mood often remain in place, leading to a profound, often draining capacity to absorb the emotions of people around them, prioritizing the caregiver's needs over their own, which persists into adulthood as profound empathy. Many empaths are also highly sensitive people. This means they process information more deeply, making them far more aware of subtle emotional cues, and in the case of empaths, allowing them to feel others' emotions as their own. A highly sensitive person is someone with an innate trait known as sensory processing sensitivity, characterized by deeper cognitive processing of physical, emotional, or social stimuli. Highly sensitive people feel emotions intensely, are highly empathetic, and easily overwhelmed by sensory input like bright lights or loud noises. Key characteristics of highly sensitive people are depth of processing, overarousability, empathy, and sensitivity to stimuli. Highly sensitive people reflect deeply on life, experiences, and emotions. Because they process so much, they become overwhelmed by overstimulation like noisy environments and busy schedules. They experience strong emotional reactions, both positive and negative, and are deeply attuned to others' moods. They notice fine details such as subtle scents, sounds, or changes in surroundings, and become overstimulated by these things. Being a highly sensitive person is a natural hereditary personality trait, not a mental disorder or diagnosis. While it can lead to higher anxiety if unmanaged, it is also associated with high creativity, conscientiousness, and strong interpersonal relationships. Due to these traits, highly sensitive people often need to withdraw to a quiet, dark place to recharge after a busy day. Experiencing their own feelings along with others that they encounter throughout the day is mentally draining on empaths. They can become overstimulated by violent or sad movies or books, loud or crowded environments, and high-pressure situations due to the emotional weight they interpret from these types of situations. Empaths feel everything deeply, which allows them to genuinely understand and connect with others' pain or joy. They are often compassionate, offering immense support and acting as a safe space for others to process emotions. People tend to confide in them as empaths are often patient and genuinely interested in understanding others. Empaths generally have a desire to help, aiming to bring joy and kindness to their personal circles. Since they sense energy, they often crave authentic connections over superficial interactions. Empaths are highly attuned to gut feelings, often sensing truths about people or situations that others miss. They often find peace and grounding in nature, feeling a strong calming connection to the environment and animals. Their intense emotional life can fuel creativity, often translating feelings into art, music, or writing. There are a few different types of empaths. The first one is the emotional empath. This is the most common type. They deeply feel and often absorb the emotions of others, becoming easily drained by the moods around them. They are often described as emotional sponges that absorb everyone else's feelings and experiences as their own. They can often tell how someone is feeling by reading the person's expressions, body language, or from their general presence. Many empaths are also fixers. If they become empathetic due to childhood trauma, they learn to try to fix things to control or solve their situation to alleviate the pain caused by trauma. If they can figure out how to fix the problem the abuser has, then maybe the abuse will stop. Then there is the physical or medical empath. They are sensitive to the physical conditions of others and will physically experience others' sickness, pain, or tension in their own bodies. While this type of empath would not be diagnosed with the physical condition, they will have real feelings of the other person's condition. Another type of empath is an intuitive empath. They are extremely perceptive and can enter a room and immediately sense the underlying vibes of the people in situations present. They are similar to the emotional empath, but their abilities are a deeper understanding of people's feelings and situations without being given any information. These people can also be classified as clairvoyant. They do not have to communicate with another person to know what is going on in their lives. Another type is the super empath. These individuals are highly intuitive and self-aware, combining deep empathy with strong personal boundaries to reduce negative energy. They don't just understand, but physically feel the emotions of others, often characterized by intense empathy, high self-esteem, strong boundaries, and the ability to spot narcissism. They are often considered mature, confident, and firm in their values, frequently acting as natural peacekeepers who can transform negative energy. The main differences between an emotional empath and a super empath is that the super empath has a stronger sense of emotional sensitivity and they have better boundaries for protecting themselves from being overwhelmed by others' feelings and situations. A super empath has learned that they can improve situations, like the fixer type of emotional empath, but they also realize that it's not their responsibility to fix things that the other person is not willing or capable of fixing. There are other types of empaths, but those are rare, and for the sake of time, I will just focus on these typical types. There are different methods of empathetic abilities. One is cognitive empathy. This is a mental understanding of what someone else is feeling without necessarily feeling it themselves. This is only thoughts being shared, not emotional or physical feelings of the empath. Cognitive empaths can put themselves in your shoes logically and are helpful when deciding on a solution. There's also compassionate empathy. This type of empath goes beyond feeling or understanding. It's characterized by an active desire to help someone in need. These empaths feel your emotions and want to help you fix the situation so that you're happy again. They want to help, but also have boundaries for their emotions so they don't get burned out on carrying everyone's emotions. An emotional empath is like I described before, feeling the emotions or physical feelings of others. The difference is they are less likely to have the boundaries for their involvement in others' lives so that they don't experience emotional burnout. Many empaths are a blend of these types, often needing to learn boundary-setting techniques such as grounding to protect themselves from overwhelming negativity or exhaustion. All empaths share some similar characteristics. One of those is hypersensitivity. This is often described as being too sensitive because they feel things more intensely than most people. Another one is absorbing emotions. They take on the stress, anxiety, and joy of others because they understand it so well and can relate to those emotions at a higher level than most people. They have a need for solitude. They require quiet time to recharge, to avoid burnout and overwhelm. Emotional weight can drain a person's energy, causing them to feel tired and numb. They need to replenish their energy and mental stability. They can also be overstimulated by noise, smells, or touch, so smaller groups or one-on-one interactions are preferred where these things are less likely. They have a strong intuition. They possess a gut feeling or inner knowing that guides them. Again, because of their deep level of understanding and recognizing emotions, empaths are good at knowing what's going on with someone without always being told. They may have some introverted tendencies. Many feel drained by large crowds and prefer one-on-one interactions. Absorbing others' emotions and reacting to them can be a large undertaking for an empath. Being around a lot of people intensifies that and drains the empath quicker. They enjoy connected, meaningful interactions with smaller groups so that their emotions are boosted, not drained. Empaths are excellent listeners. They are supportive, empathetic, and non-judgmental, attracting people with problems. They truly understand what the person is going through and have a desire to help the person be happier in their life. An unfortunate characteristic of empaths is that they are a target for what is called energy vampires. Due to their nurturing nature, they often attract emotionally draining or toxic people. It is quite common for a narcissist to be the partner of an empath. The empath is exactly what the narcissist needs, a caring, compassionate person who wants to help them be happy. Narcissists are attracted to people that fulfill their self-image of being good and perfect. They have tactics for drawing in a person into a relationship with them, then use that person to fulfill their own emotional needs without providing any for the empath. The empath will provide for their need of constant validation, empathy, and admiration. And the narcissist will continue using the empath for as long as the empath will allow. Many empaths have a deep connection to nature and animals. They feel deeply connected to the natural world. They are also often creative and are drawn to the arts, as well as being passionate about whatever they do pursue. They are nurturing and caring. These traits come naturally to them, often putting others before themselves. As I mentioned before, if the empaths suffered from childhood trauma, they are used to putting others first and taking care of others in order to keep peace. They hate conflict and will do all they can to keep the peace, even to the extent of ignoring their own needs and feelings. Because empaths are so kind, caring, and attentive, they are often taken advantage of so that others can gain what they want from the empath without giving back. These people are what I mentioned earlier, energy vampires. They are individuals who drain the emotional and mental energy of others, often targeting empaths due to their compassionate, receptive nature. They often exhibit needy, narcissistic, or bullying behaviors. They demand high levels of attention, validation, and emotional support, thrive on toxic drama or negative situations, and rarely accept responsibility and may blame their problems on others. They exploit the empaths' kindness and nurturing and use them to fulfill their emotional needs. Empaths need to be aware of these kinds of people and set boundaries for themselves so they are not taken advantage of. Boundaries for empaths are essential tools to prevent emotional overwhelm and energy drain, acting as a protective barrier to give them some distance from energy vampires. It allows the empath a way to step back from a situation and take some time to regroup or evaluate their role in that situation. One strategy is learning to say no when you don't want to, don't have time to, or are not able to fulfill the wants or needs of others. It's okay to not take care of others 100% of the time. You have to accept that it is not always your job to take care of everyone else. Another strategy is limiting time with dating people. Be aware how much time you spend helping others. Practice saying, I can't do that right now, or I need to check my calendar to avoid automatic compliance. Make sure you are giving yourself as much attention as you are giving others. Empaths should schedule downtime and self-care. Because they are so attuned to helping and caring for others, they often do not take care of themselves and their own needs. They should find a space where they can have some peace without distractions from phones, interruptions, or requests from others. Find things that you enjoy to put in that space and make sure you are scheduling regular visits to that space. Another thing empaths need to do is protect their own energy by not absorbing others' stress. Recognize when you are taking on someone else's stress and consciously decide not to absorb it. It is one thing to care about what another is going through. It's another to hold that in your mind and heart for long periods of time. If this is an excessive habit that is draining you emotionally, you may want to see a counselor, read self-help books, or listen to podcasts that can help you understand why you are an empath and how to become a healthier one. I will put a journal prompt on my website that will help you think about what you are doing as an empath and how it is affecting your happiness. I will also add a link to a test that will tell you if you are an empath and what type, so you can better understand what's happening to you. You can find that prompt in the links at breakingarborders.com. Please continue to listen to my podcast on your favorite podcast provider or on my YouTube channel. And please follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok. Thanks for listening.