Breaking Our Borders Episode 20- Mother and Father Wounds

Hello, and welcome back. I’m Dr. Michelle Border and in today’s episode I’m going to talk about a concept called mother and father wounds. When a child is abused,  neglected, or ignored they develop life-long struggles with emotional health and social experiences. Borders are created in their minds about who they are from their parents’ actions or lack thereof. Let’s get started talking about those borders, right now.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to talk about a concept called mother and father wounds. When a child is abused, neglected, or ignored, they develop lifelong struggles with emotional health and social experiences. Borders are created in their minds about who they are from their parents' actions or lack thereof. Let's get started talking about those borders right now. This deep relationship between parent and child is nurtured through consistent care, physical affection, and responsive interaction, which provides a secure base in the home where children can safely explore the world and develop into a happy and healthy adult. However, when the parent is abusive or neglectful, the opposite happens for a child. When there is no consistent care, physical affection, and responsive interaction, the secure base is not formed in the home that allows the child to safely explore the world and positively develop. Your parents did not have to be abusive or neglectful in all ways, but may have just not provided you with certain emotional needs that affected your development and caused a mother or father wound, but abuse and neglect are major causes of these wounds. Biological, hormonal, and social factors have dictated what mothers and fathers provide a child through parenting. Mothers are typically more focused on nurturing, emotional regulation, and safety behaviors with their child, while fathers tend to promote independence, risk taking, and physical play. Mothers tend to be more relational and protective, focusing on comforting and emotional support, while fathers typically encourage independence, self-determination, and how to overcome challenges. These two parenting styles can combine to provide healthy development for their children. However, these characteristics may not be present in some parents due to their own childhood trauma. One theory that explains the connection needed between a parent and a child is called attachment theory. Attachment theory explains that a child's early, consistent emotional bond with a parent is critical for emotional regulation, safety, and the health of future relationships. This attachment bond begins at birth. Secure, responsive, and predictable parenting encourages a trusting bond between the parent and the child, while inconsistent, abusive, or neglectful care can lead to insecure attachment styles, creating borders in the child's mind and negatively influencing their future adult relationships. Parental attachment develops through four stages. The first one is called pre-attachment. This begins at birth and goes on for about six weeks. Infants communicate through crying or smiles. A parent's response to this communication begins to build trust. From six weeks to six to eight months, it's called the attachment in the making phase. During this phase, babies start to prefer their parents over others and respond more positively to their familiar parent over those they are less familiar with. Clear-cut attachment is the next phase and occurs from six to eight months to around 18 to 24 months old. During this phase, the child may develop separation anxiety from their parent as they are starting to bond to their parent in the familiar care. The familiar parent is providing a secure base for the child where they are more comfortable and more likely to be comforted. Formation of a reciprocal relationship phase happens from 18 to 24 months through the rest of the childhood. Now the child understands that separation is temporary and they begin to become more independent. The bond with the parent continues to grow, but is now also reciprocated by the child as they mature and develop cognitive thoughts and language skills. Four different attachment styles can happen between the parent and the child. The first one is called secure attachment. This is where a child feels secure, seeks comfort from parents, and is easily comforted upon reunion. This happens through parenting methods that provide the child with feelings that they are safe, valued, and that the parents can be trusted, which contributes to healthy psychological development. Another type is anxious-resistant or ambivalent attachment. With this attachment, the child learns that they cannot rely on their caregiver for safety, leading to a constant, anxious search for reassurance. This type of attachment happens when parental methods are not consistent. They are attentive at one time, but not at others. Avoidant attachment is a third type. With this attachment, a child does not feel bonded to the parent. This happens because the parent is emotionally unavailable, distant, or dismissive of the child's needs, which results in the child not forming a bond with their parent. The last type is called disorganized or disoriented attachment. With this attachment method, a child displays erratic, confused, or frightened behavior upon the parent's return, often stemming from neglect or abuse. The child exhibits these behaviors because of the situation of needing the parent for survival, but also fearing the parent's abuse or neglectful behavior. There is a difference in the concept of a mother wound and a father wound. Each gender of parent provides different characteristics of support during childhood. The mother wound is the deep-seated emotional pain, trauma, or dysfunction stemming from a mother's inability to provide adequate emotional nurturing, validation, or safety to her child. This is often caused by her mother passing down intergenerational trauma and could cause lifelong struggles for the child with their self-worth, trust, and relationship patterns. While not a clinical diagnosis or mental health disorder, mother wound stems from a mother's inability to provide emotional safety, frequently due to her own unhealed trauma from her own childhood. Characteristics of a mother that would cause a mother wound include emotional neglect, where the mother is physically present but emotionally unavailable, and invalidating the child's feelings. Another characteristic is parentification. The child has to take on the role of the caregiver for the mother's emotional needs due to the mother being unable to care for herself. Another characteristic is narcissistic or controlling behaviors, with patterns of gaslighting, guilt tripping, and prioritizing the mother's needs over the child's. And the last characteristic is over-engagement or enmeshment. This is where a lack of boundaries of the mother causes her to treat the child as an extension of herself rather than an independent person. Having a mother wound can cause borders in a child's mind that they carry into adulthood and cause emotional problems that can affect their success and happiness. Some traits that develop from mother wounds are low self-worth. This is a persistent feeling of not being good enough. The child was not able to have their emotions supported and was not provided encouragement or nurturing from their mother. So they internalize this as there is something wrong with them that caused the mother to not love them. Children are not developmentally able to understand that other people can be responsible for situations. So they internalize things about themselves, causing feelings of guilt, shame, or low self-esteem. They may feel shame and guilt that they are not good enough to gain their mother's approval and love. They can develop an inner critic that tells them they are not enough, too much, or are broken. Children with mother wounds may have relationship struggles. Our relationships with our parents are the first relationship we develop and is the example we learn from as we mature and form other relationships. Children with mother wounds will have difficulty trusting others, fear abandonment, or attract partners who are emotionally cold. This is likely similar to how their parent treated them. I see a lot of similarities in my parents' behaviors and my ex-husband's. I was attracted to what was familiar and what I thought was just how life is. Distrust of people, as well as the world around them, can develop in children with mother wounds because they never had that safe base with their mother that provided an ability to trust that they are safe everywhere and with everyone. Boundary issues can also be a problem for a child with mother wounds. They have difficulty saying no and feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs. These are the people pleasers and the empaths. They develop these feelings because during childhood they try to please their mother to obtain affection, attention, and nurturing, or to try to prevent further abuse. The child learns this method early and carries it into adulthood where they treat others the same way as they were taught by their mother. They will feel guilty saying no to anyone because they will fear making people upset with them, like their mother was. Another result of a mother wound is self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a protective mechanism where someone unconsciously hinders their own success or happiness. They do this because they fear change, vulnerability, or failure. As a child, they did not have the support from their mother to be successful, so they are comfortable with how things are. They want to maintain their life. If they change things, they might mess it up like they were likely told or made to believe from their mother. Their mother may have told them they were always messing up, or by the mother ignoring the child, made them feel like they weren't good enough to be loved. Feeling unworthy and not having self-esteem can cause them to be afraid to allow themselves the opportunity to change their life so they are successful and happy because of the fear of failing. Numbing is another result of the mother wound. This is an unhealthy coping mechanism, such as addiction, used to manage feelings. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and low self-worth feel awful. No one wants to feel those things, let alone all the time. It is natural for us to want to feel happiness and peace within, but when it isn't naturally instilled in you as a child, it is hard to create it as an adult. Drugs, alcohol, or nicotine can provide a numbing feeling so that you don't feel the pain. It's a quick fix, but not one that is physically or emotionally healthy long term. Children with a mother wound may develop a constant need for perfection. Wanting to always be perfect is driven by a desire to gain the approval never received in childhood. I remember thinking as a child that I just needed to find the right thing to do to make my mother love me. If I could find that one thing, everything would be right. It would be perfect. I searched and searched, but never found that perfect thing. I did the same thing in my first marriage. I felt if I could just say the right thing, do the right thing, or be a certain way, he would be happier. It is an unreachable, irrational, and inessential search in hopes of pleasing our mother that can be triggered in our other relationships as well. Hyperindependence can also be developed from a mother wound. This is where a person feels they have to do everything themselves. Hyperindependence often stems from childhood trauma or neglect, where the individual learned that relying on caregivers was unsafe or futile. It is a protective mechanism intended to prevent future hurt. They also feel that they cannot ask for help, as they were not provided help or guidance as a child, so it feels foreign to them. Hyperindependence can lead to burnout from stress, challenges in relationships because they are not reciprocal with actions, and isolation because they feel safer being alone. Children need unconditional love, secure attachment, and empathetic consistent care from their mothers to develop emotional health. Children need to feel that they are heard and seen by their mothers, validation for their emotions, a safe physical and emotional environment, and being valued for who they are rather than just their accomplishments. Children benefit from feelings of unconditional love and acceptance from their mother. Children need to know they are loved regardless of their successes or failures, which builds self-confidence. They also need to be taught emotional regulation and shown empathy. Mothers act as our emotional regulators. This needs to be done by helping children understand and manage their feelings through validation rather than dismissal. Providing a safe and stable environment in the home is also important. Consistent, predictable care builds trust and security, along with the mother consistently providing for the child's physical needs. Active listening and presence from the mother makes a child feel seen and heard. Making time to listen and being present allows children to feel respected, supported, and valued, which boosts self-esteem. Children also need encouragement when taking on a task and validation for a job well done. Encouraging exploration and affirming a child's feelings helps develop a strong self-image and healthy emotional intelligence. Mothers also need to model self-worth. Children learn to value themselves by seeing their mothers practice self-care and self-compassion. Children will learn a lot about themselves through the actions of their mother. Finally, showing a child how to establish boundaries is a valuable skill mothers can provide. Giving appropriate discipline and structure gives children a sense of security and safety with their mother and provides them with the ability of self-regulation. Now let's talk about the father wound. A father wound is the emotional, psychological, and personal damage caused by a father figure who was physically absent, emotionally unavailable, controlling, or abusive. It can result in severe self-esteem issues, chronic insecurity, and difficulty maintaining trust in adult relationships for the child. The difference in father wounds from mother wounds is that the mother wound often centers on the lack of emotional safety and nurturing, and the father wound typically centers on lack of protection, guidance, and validation. Some of the main results of the father wound are similar to the mother wound. Adults will often feel signs of hyperindependence, people pleasing, fear of abandonment, emotional instability, and some may develop what is called the nice guy syndrome. Nice guy syndrome is a behavioral pattern where men act overly nice, use people-pleasing tactics, and are conflict avoidant at all costs to gain validation. A father wound often leads to insecure attachment styles, making it hard to form secure, lasting friendships or romantic relationships in the child's adult life. To be emotionally healthy, children need their fathers to be physically, mentally, and emotionally present, fostering a secure, nurturing, and consistent bond. Key needs of the child include active listening with empathy, validation for their emotions, physical affection, and modeling healthy emotional expression rather than just an authoritative disciplinarian. Children can benefit from fathers who are emotionally available. This means getting involved in daily parenting from the start to build a secure attachment, allowing children to feel safe and connected. Fathers who listen and empathize rather than just offering advice, help guide their children in how to problem solve. Fathers who listen and validate feelings help kids feel understood and respected. Fathers need to model emotional health. They can do this by showing a full range of emotions, not just anger. It helps children learn how to express their own emotions in healthy ways. Providing consistent discipline and love means loving their child, but with firm, consistent boundaries. This leads to better emotional stability in the child. Fathers need to show that they value their child for who they are rather than only for their accomplishments, and this builds self-worth in the child. Fathers need to show physical affection to their children. Hugging, cuddling, and warm interaction promote feelings of safety and affection, and a stronger bond between the father and the child. Fathers who are engaged in these ways help lower rates of depression and anxiety in their children, fostering greater confidence and social competence. Both mother and father wounds can cause significant relationship challenges for a child's future, and these wounds can be passed down to future generations if not addressed. Healing involves recognizing the wound, grieving the loss, establishing boundaries, and finding a sense of inner security. Some call this reparenting. This gives us the emotional support we did not get from our parents. I will talk more about this in a future episode. Not all of us came from severely abusive or neglectful homes. Some people come from homes where the parent was physically present, but not emotionally present and supportive. And then some of us did come from abusive or neglectful homes or live without one or both parents involved in our lives. All of these situations can cause a mother or father wound, or both. To cope with these situations, we need to recognize what was lacking in our childhood, grieve that loss, and figure out how to improve our relationships and happiness. We may have missed out on a little or a lot. Whichever is the case for you, it can have an impact on how you are functioning today. I will add a journal prompt to my website that you can use to determine what kind and how deep your mother or father wound is. You can find that at breakingarborders.com. I hope you will continue listening to my podcasts on your favorite podcast provider or on my YouTube channel. Please also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Thanks for listening.