Breaking Our Borders Episode 21- Our Minds Are Like An Apple Tree

Welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Boder, and in today’s episode I”m going to share with you an analogy that came to my mind while at a conference recently. This analogy helped me to better understand what I need to do to have a healthier mind and be a happier person. I want to share this analogy with you in hopes that it will help you as well. So let’s get started talking about it right now.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to share with you an analogy that came to my mind while at a conference recently. This analogy helped me to better understand what I need to do to have a healthier mind and be a happier person. I want to share this analogy with you in hopes that it will help you as well. So let's get started talking about that right now. If we have rotten apples on our tree, which represents any given problem with work, home, or life, we need to check the roots to see what is really causing the problem. Hearing this analogy made a connection in my mind about my trauma, my mental and emotional struggles from that trauma, and the behaviors I have used to deal with those struggles. I'm not always looking at the roots of my tree, I'm just focusing on the bad apples. And then I came up with the following analogy. Our minds are like the roots of an apple tree. It is the roots that give a foundation to the tree and provide it with nourishment. Without healthy roots, the tree experiences damage and possibly death. The trunk of the tree is our life so far, growing rings to show each year of progression. Branches of the tree are our thoughts. The branches spread and grow to produce the apples. The apples on the tree are our experiences. Some of the apples are large, juicy, and sweet, while others are damaged, bruised, and rotten. At birth we are a sapling, small, fragile, and needing nourishment to grow. Our experiences during childhood can determine how well the roots are developed and how much our tree will grow. With proper nourishment and positive experiences, the roots will develop well, leading to a tall, strong trunk with full, long branches, green, healthy leaves, and beautiful juicy apples. Without proper nourishment and positive experiences, we can have root rot that will spread through the tree, affecting each part and hindering healthy development. Once we have made it to adulthood, the treatment of our roots is our responsibility to carry. If we have root rot, it is up to us to figure out what our roots need to be healthier. Some of us don't recognize that our roots are unhealthy. They've always been this way. They get some apples on the tree, so it's okay the way it is. Some of us have rotten apples and choose to throw them into others' orchards because we don't want to face what is really causing our apples to be rotten because it is too painful. And then there are others of us who are unhappy that our apples are rotting and want to fix that, whatever it takes and however long. We are tired of having bad apples and want beautiful apples like we see on other trees. My tree was not nourished as a child. Sometimes it was attacked by storms, which was abuse, pests, which were unhealthy coping mechanisms, and disease, which is trauma. It had some rotten apples on it, which are toxic people, and some of my branches are dying, which was dysfunctional thinking. I tried spraying my tree with pesticides, which were unhealthy coping mechanisms, but that didn't help. I tried to cut the branches off that were dying. This is unhealthy behaviors, but that didn't fix it either. Then I learned that I needed to care for the roots of my tree to make it healthier. Getting to the roots is hard, takes time and energy, and motivation is needed to work towards having a healthy tree. But I wanted healthy apples, so I tried to figure out how to take care of my roots to make my tree healthy and produce beautiful sweet apples. Some people we meet in life have trees that are not doing well, have bad apples and dead branches. They may see that you are improving your tree and ask you to help with their tree. I have been eager to help others with their tree. For a time we worked together on our trees, but then I noticed that they did not put forth as much work on their tree as I suggested or did on my tree. Some of these people asked me to leave their orchard because they no longer wanted my help. Some left me to do all the tending to their tree, and still some started blaming me for the improvement to their tree not coming quick enough. I am very proud of my tree and all the work I have put into making it healthy, and I enjoy working on my tree. I also enjoy helping other people feel happy and have pride in their trees. I want to share my happiness and growth so others feel it too. But I have come to realize that some people don't want to care for their tree the way I want to care for mine. Some people have not appreciated and respected what I have done with my tree, get upset with me for trying to help with their tree, or throw their rotten apples at my tree in an attempt to spread their pain into my orchard. I am now at a point where I recognize that these people have the right to not want my help in making their trees healthier, that I may have at times tried too hard to help them with their tree because I cared about them, and that I have to be okay with the fact that they don't want my help. So I will just focus on my own tree and the trees of those who have asked me for help and who have put in the work to make healthier trees for themselves. These are the people I connect with best, who understand the work I am doing and why I do it, and appreciate the help I have provided. However, I will not tolerate anyone throwing their rotten apples at my tree or invading my orchard with their storms, pests, or disease. I am now more careful about who and when I allow others into my orchard. It is important that we understand what happened to us as a child, what behaviors and thoughts that life created in our minds, and recognize the borders we created to protect ourselves. In order to make any changes for our health and happiness, we have to first look at the roots of our minds to figure out where things were created, and then understand what we need to do to make changes. At the same conference I talked about before, the speaker also talked about habits. Habits are behaviors we use, sometimes without even realizing we do them. Habits are created in the brain from three steps cue, routine, and reward. Something cues our brain that the behavior is needed. Our brain recognizes the routine of using that behavior before for a similar situation. And then we are provided a mental or physical reward for completing the behavior. An example of a positive habit would be when you have a task to complete at work. The cue is work needs to get done. Routine is your brain knowing how to complete the task from doing it previous times. And the reward is a sense of accomplishment. This reward can be reinforced when your boss compliments your work. An example of a negative habit is when you have done something wrong. The cue is that you messed up. The routine is your brain connecting to childhood trauma where you were yelled at by a parent and ridiculed for messing up. And the reward is negative self-talk that supports your thoughts of not being good enough. This doesn't sound like much of a reward, but the familiar feelings of the negativity provides comfort while supporting unhealthy behaviors. Here is my analogy now of how habits affect our apple tree. When I was a sapling, I was exposed to storms, abuse, pests, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and disease, which is trauma. This led to having dead branches, dysfunctional thinking. As an adult, I kept the rotten apples, the toxic people, on my branches because I thought that was the normal right thing to do. I also believed that it was my job to keep them because no one else would. Who wants rotten apples? But it was difficult supporting the rotten apples with my dead branches. So I tried some pesticides, unhealthy coping mechanisms, in hopes of improving the rotten apples. All this did was increase the root rot that had started for me. Then I thought maybe I could cut off the branches. This was using unhealthy behaviors that was holding the rotten apples, but that did more damage to my structure. Weathering storms, experiencing pests, harboring disease, holding on to the rotten apples, using pesticides, and cutting off my branches all became habits to me. Habits that I thought were the right thing to do, what I was supposed to do, and at the time all I knew to do to handle all of that. I started to see that other trees had healthy, beautiful apples. I wanted those. I started figuring out how to make that happen. I started with removing the rotten apples and understanding that they were no longer my responsibility or of any positive use. Then I turned to the dead branches. Some did need to be cut off, but some were actually still alive. They just needed healthy nourishment to become better. This new nourishment, however, was much different than the habits I had created from the past. It felt foreign, uncomfortable, and the voices from the rotten apples of the past were telling me that wasn't the right way to grow my tree. Some days I'm able to water and fertilize my tree. Sometimes the old habits that are all too familiar creep in, and I find myself using pesticides or getting out the saw again. But the most important part is that I no longer have root rot. My branches are becoming healthier, and I am producing more good apples than ever before. However, once in a while a bad apple appears. And now I know to not focus on the apple, but to go back and check my roots. Habits are routine behaviors, often done unconsciously, and often serve a purpose to protect or calm our minds. There are positive habits, like brushing our teeth, exercising or routines. But there are also negative habits, such as addictions, anxiety, or negative self-talk. When our roots are not nourished as a sapling, we learn habits of dysfunctional thinking, low self-esteem and self-worth, and hopelessness. Our roots are trained to accept this root rot as normal. That's just how life is. We carry these habits into adulthood almost without knowing we have them. These habits can contribute to our root rot, preventing us from having healthy growth. Changing these habits can be hard. They have been ingrained in us since childhood. But in order to produce healthier fruit, we have to look at what is keeping our root rot going. When we want to reach for the pesticides or a saw, we need to step back and think what is a healthier alternative? Improving the soil, which is mental health work, changing the drainage, which is positive self-talk, or trimming away dead roots, which is eliminating what is toxic in your life, are better options. There are many healthy and positive ways to fix your roots, but you have to put in the time, energy, and effort to make it happen. As I was writing all of this about the apple trees, I was reminded of the many symbols I have seen for the tree of life. I decided to do a little research on this and found information that I feel relates to my analogies. The symbol of the tree has been used for thousands of years in religious, cultural, and scientific presentations. In more modern times, it has come to mean personal growth, strength, and a connection to one's roots. The tree is a symbol of connectedness with the earth and spirituality, with the connectedness of the planet and sustaining human life, and with the cycle of life to death. In every representation, the roots produce a grounding, stability, and foundational structure. The branches are a sign of growth reaching towards the sky, and the leaves and fruits represent growth, nourishment, and production of something positive. The symbol can be used for many interconnectedness of life, experiences, and growth. In the process of preparing this episode, I saw an Instagram post from Soul MindHub talking about Dr. James Pennebaker's work. He is a professor and social psychologist who has done research on trauma. He found that when people wrote about their trauma, they were better able to process what happened to them. He discovered through 30 years of research that people who experienced trauma healed more when they put words to their traumatic experiences. They were able to convert what was stored in their body into language. Writing had a bigger impact than therapy, medications, or life interventions. They were able to convert what was stored in their body into language. Writing had a bigger impact than therapy, medications, or lifestyle interventions.

unknown 15:47

Dr.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

Pennebaker's research showed improvement in trauma survivors' immune function, lower cortisol levels, and reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety with faster recovery from illness and fewer doctor visits. Trauma is stored in the body, keeping the nervous system active because the trauma has not been resolved. Writing about it allows the brain to process and organize the trauma. This process allows the body to stop seeing the experience as a current danger and stops preparing for a threat that is no longer there. The writing should describe the details of the experience, giving a name to the events, behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. We are told we need to forget about it. It's in the past, let it go. And to just get over it. But our nervous system doesn't work that simply.

unknown 16:44

Dr.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

Pennebaker found that writing for 20 minutes a day, just for yourself, this doesn't have to be shared with anyone, allows you to process experiences that your nervous system is still holding on to. He also discovered that when people did this, they felt somewhat worse for the first four days. But then something shifts. Writing will stir up a lot of emotions, but then they will settle as the process happens. I have found that writing the scripts for my podcast episodes have had a healing factor, and it is why I add journal prompts to many of my episodes. I have created an image of a mentally healthy apple tree and one of a mentally unhealthy tree. You could use these as a guide to fill in your experiences. I use general terms on the images, but you can be more specific with your terms. I will post these images, an example of one I would have filled out, and I'm going to add Dr. Pennebaker's book Opening Up The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions to my suggested reading list on my website. I have not read this book yet, but it's on its way from Amazon. All of this can be found on my website at breakingarborders.com. So now I recommend go get a journal or notebook you like, a special pen that you enjoy using, find a peaceful space to write in, and get started getting closer to being happier and healthier. Thanks for listening to the