Breaking Our Borders Episode 22- Emotional Abuse

 Hello everyone, and welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and in today’s episode I’m going to take a deeper look at emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that affects the mind of the victim, not abuse on the body. The abuser uses words to manipulate the victim into someone who supports the abuser’s irrational view of themselves as being perfect. I’m going to talk about the tactics used by abusers, why they do it, and how the victims can handle the abuse. So let’s get started talking about that right now. 

Transcript

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Hello everyone and welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to take a deeper look at emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that affects the mind of the victim. It's not abuse on the body. The abuser uses words to manipulate the victim into someone who supports the abuser's irrational view of themselves as being perfect. I'm going to talk about the tactics used by abusers, why they do it, and how the victims can handle the abuse. So let's get started talking about that right now. It often appears in toxic relationships, whether that is with a parent, friend, or romantic partner. Narcissistic people often use these tactics in their relationships as well, but not all emotional abusers are narcissists. Emotional abuse is the tactics used to affect the victim's self-esteem, worth, or sanity. Manipulation is the behavior used by an abuser to control or influence a victim's mind and emotions for the abuser's own benefit. The benefit typically is to gain control over the victim to support the abuser's image of being perfect. Emotional abuse is harder to detect than physical abuse. Abusers typically use these tactics in small amounts over time, which makes it difficult to clearly point to a specific incident that happened. Physical abuse leaves marks on a victim's body that proves the abuse. While emotional abuse affects the victim's psyche and emotional health, it makes it harder to see by others. This does not mean it is any less painful or damaging to the victim. There are a couple different types of emotional abuse used with manipulation. One is guilt tripping. In this case, the abuser makes you feel responsible for their feelings or actions. A classic example of this is if someone asks you to do something for them and you aren't able to, they may say, After all I've done for you, and you won't do this thing for me. Their words may not always be so direct. Like if you can't help them, they will say, I guess I'll just do it by myself since no one will help me. Either way, they are making you feel guilty for not doing what they want, without understanding that you aren't able to at the time. They will make you feel guilty until you give in and do what they want. Guilt is a feeling of emotional weight that is supposed to guide a moral decision. When used as a manipulation tactic, the victim is left feeling responsible for the abuser's happiness and will do things they don't want to do just to keep the abuser happy. In healthy relationships, both people understand that the other may not be able to do things for them at times, and don't put pressure on them or hold a grudge. An emotional abuser will not have that understanding. Gaslighting is a tactic to gain control, power, and influence over another person by making them question their own reality, memory, or sanity. I discussed this tactic when I talked about narcissism before, but it's not solely used by narcissists. It is emotional manipulation where the abuser is trying to make the victim dependent on them for a true reality that the abuser has created. They say things like, that never happened when confronted with something they did, or you're overreacting if the victim claims they are upset, and you're too sensitive if the victim claims they didn't like what was said or done to them. The abuser will twist the reality to make the victim be the problem in the situation, which leaves the victim feeling confused, reducing their confidence and questioning their own sanity. Over time, the victim will start to believe the gaslighter and depend on them to form a reality that typically portrays the victim as the one who is wrong. An example of this would be if the victim told the abuser the way the abuser talks to them is disrespectful and hurtful. The abuser would say, No, I'm not, you're just too sensitive. Besides, I was just kidding. The abuser is dismissing your true feelings and putting blame on you for being in the wrong, diverting the blame off of themselves. Playing the victim is a tactic where the abuser twists the reality of situations to look like they have been wronged, even when they are at fault. Those who use emotional abuse and manipulation need to see themselves as perfect and doing no wrong. They also cannot see that others have different needs, nor do they care about others' needs. They are only focused on what they want and how to keep up their self-image. To maintain that image, they will blame all around them and distort reality to support that blame. They are the wronged one and will accept sympathy from all due to their hardships. The silent treatment or complete withdrawal is the abuser withholding affection or communication in an attempt to punish you. It's used to create intense anxiety, insecurity, and pain for the victim. The abuser does this in hopes that the punishment will give them power in a situation by forcing the victim to apologize because they want to end the uncomfortable silence. It is a form of emotional abuse that creates intense anxiety, insecurity, and pain for the victim. While it is sometimes used to avoid conflict or manage overwhelming emotions, when used as abuse or manipulation, it becomes a destructive behavior that damages relationships and hinders working on a solution. Projection is another form of emotional abuse. With this tactic, a person denies their negative feelings, behaviors, or insecurities, and blames someone else for having these qualities. They blame the victim to avoid accountability, protect their ego, and maintain control over the situation. It is a defense mechanism that distorts reality, making the victim doubt their own perspective. It is similar to gaslighting. The abuser projects to avoid dealing with uncomfortable, shameful, or unacceptable emotions within themselves. Victims often feel misunderstood, unseen, and trapped in toxic communication patterns, leading to anxiety, depression, and a shattered sense of self-worth. Love bombing is a tactic that is the use of excessive affection or gifts to gain control or influence over a victim. This is used to gain emotional control, trust, and create emotional dependency on the abuser. It is a form of emotional abuse that often leads to isolation and future mistreatment once the victim is hooked. The abuser will behave in ways that are extremely nice, thoughtful, and generous in the beginning of the relationship. They will seem like the perfect match and use this behavior to obtain the victim's trust and become infatuated with the abuser. Once the abuser feels the victim is hooked and they have emotional control, their behavior changes and the love bomber removes their affection, becoming cold, critical, or manipulating. The victim then becomes confused and starts using behaviors to please the love bomber, to regain the initial emotional high. The love bomber will move on to other emotional manipulation tactics like gaslighting, projection, guilt tripping, and withdrawal or silent treatment to keep emotional control over the victim. Moving the goalposts is another emotional abuse tactic. This consists of the abuser constantly changing expectations so the victim can never satisfy them. The abuser constantly changes their expectations, rules, or standards, causing the victim to feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. When the victim meets a set requirement, the abuser immediately raises the bar or shifts to a new demand, creating a perpetual, unachievable cycle of failure for the victim. This tactic is used by an abuser to maintain power, control, and ensure their victim is dependent on them. The instability of moving goalposts keeps the victim confused, anxious, and too busy proving themselves to challenge the abuser's authority. The abuser forces the victim to obsess over their perceived flaws rather than focusing on the abuser's toxic behavior, diverting attention away from the abuse. Isolation is the abuser's attempt to cut the victim off from friends and family. Isolation is used to undermine the victim's life and identity outside the relationship and create a sense of dependency on the abuser. The abuser cuts off all connections outside the relationship so that the victim cannot be told that the abuser is mistreating them. The abuser completely controls the relationship and reality for the victim. Constant criticism and intimidation are another form of emotional abuse. They regularly criticize, insult, or call you names like stupid or worthless, and often humiliate you in public or in social media. They beat you down with words so that you have no self-esteem left, totally doubt your worth and sanity, and they make you believe that you are the cause of their abuse. Emotional abuse causes profound lasting damage to the mental and physical health of the victim. It erodes a person's sense of self, leading to confusion, guilt, and dependency on the abuser. Long-term effects can include PTSD, substance abuse, and physical health issues. Victims often experience confusion, doubt in their own judgment, anxiety, and a feeling that they are walking on eggshells. It can lead to severe damage to their self-esteem, chronic guilt, and feeling trapped in a relationship. Victims can develop anxiety due to the feeling of walking on eggshells, as I just mentioned. They fear upsetting the abuser and worry about what they will say or do all the time that may upset the abuser. The victim has been manipulated into believing they are the problem in the relationship, causing all of the abusers' problems, while not fully understanding what it is exactly that they have done wrong. This constant confusion and attempt to prevent conflict by the victim is a strain on their nervous system, causing anxiety and hypervigilance. Due to the twisting of reality by the abuser with gaslighting and projection tactics, a victim of emotional abuse can question their own memory, sanity, and reality. They are in a state of always trying to make sense of what they believe to be true as opposed to what the abuser is presenting. The victim might start to believe the abuser's reality of them always being the problem, so the victim will change their behaviors to please the abuser. The abuser's attempts to make the victim believe they are the problem, verbal criticism and verbal attacks, can lead to the victim losing their self-esteem, self-worth, and feeling guilt for making the abuser unhappy. Long-term emotional abuse alters brain structure and functioning, causing problems with emotional regulation. The brain gets stuck in the fight or flight mode, producing hypervigilance and anxiety. To deal with this pain, the victim may turn to substances for relief. Long-term emotional abuse can also lead to toxic stress. This leads to conditions of PTSD and trauma where the victim experiences triggers, flashbacks, and anxiety of the abuse when in other similar situations. So the question is why do abusers use emotional abuse? One reason is their need for control and power. Abusers often feel a strong need to dominate situations or people to make themselves feel secure or superior. Having power and control over others gives them a sense of righteousness and they can show that someone else is more wrong than they are. Insecurity and low self-esteem of the abuser is another reason for the abuse. Underlying insecurities can drive individuals to control others to feel better about themselves. While they may appear to be powerful and dominating, they actually have little or no self-esteem and feel insecure about themselves. They try to compensate for these by finding ways to feel like a better person than their victim. In their minds, they are thinking, I'm better than that person because I don't mess up or am not as bad as they are. But this is a twisted reality the abuser have created. Another reason people are abusers is their avoidance of responsibility. Abusers may use tactics like gaslighting or blaming others to avoid facing their own flaws or poor behavior. They will not take responsibility for their abusive behaviors and instead twist that reality to blame the victim. This allows them to escape all responsibilities and guilt of their behavior or to recognize the need to change. Another reason is that they are getting their needs met. Emotional abuse is often a dysfunctional way to obtain attention, validation, or specific outcomes that feeds the abuser's emotional needs. They know what emotional needs they want the victim to fulfill, so they will use negative behaviors of manipulation tactics to get it. The abuser may have past trauma or similar behavior patterns. Past experiences may lead people to use manipulative methods to feel safe or to get what they want. This may be a learned behavior from their past or a coping mechanism from their own childhood trauma. They use emotional abuse to fulfill needs that were not met as a child. The last reason they may abuse is because they have narcissistic traits. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder may manipulate to gain admiration and compliance. Gaslighting and projection are classic traits of most narcissists. I talked about narcissists in episodes 17 and 18 if you need more information about that. People use emotional abuse and manipulation primarily to gain power, control, or to have personal advantage in relationships, often stemming from deep-seated insecurities, fear, or a desire to avoid dealing with their own emotions. It is used as a tool to influence others' thoughts and behaviors to satisfy the abuser's own personal needs, such as feeling superior and avoiding accountability. They use these tactics to make their target feel small or dependent, often stemming from their own insecurities or lack of empathy. How can you identify emotional abuse? Well, if you constantly feel guilty, anxious, or confused after interactions with this person, it may be emotional abuse. The abuser is manipulating your mind to make you think you are the problem, and you constantly worry about what you have or will do that will upset them again. If your boundaries are ignored or met with anger by the abuser, you might be in a relationship with an emotional abuser. If your boundaries are ignored or met with anger by that person, you might be in a relationship with an emotional abuser. When you ask to have your needs met or express unhappiness with their behaviors, they will disregard your feelings or respond by verbally attacking you. If you feel obligated to do things you do not want to do for the abuser, this may be an emotionally abusive relationship. You may feel guilt that you have to make the abuser happy or to avoid conflict with them. So you do what they want, not what you really want. If the person you're in a relationship with often acts as the victim and refuses to take responsibility for any of their behaviors, you could be in an emotionally abusive relationship. You would be left wondering what you did wrong because they act like they are the ones who have been wronged in some way. Even if you try to explain your intentions, they will find a way to put blame on you. It's important to understand how to respond to this type of abuse. Responding to emotional manipulation requires staying calm, setting firm boundaries, and refusing to engage in emotional theatrics. Key strategies include using I statements to assert your needs, calling out the behavior directly, utilizing the gray rock method, and limiting information shared to reduce the manipulator's leverage. When confronted with an emotional abuser, you need to remain calm and disengaged. Do not let your emotions be triggered. Emotional abusers feed off your reaction, so keeping a neutral, composed, and indifferent demeanor stops them from getting the control they seek. If you react with anger, yelling, or attacks back at them, they will feed off of having the power to upset you and continue with their tactics. You need to set clear boundaries for yourself. Communicate your limits firmly. For instance, if a partner is shouting, say something like, I am not going to continue this conversation while you are yelling, and walk away if they continue to yell. I mentioned the gray rock method again when I talked about narcissist. This works well with emotional abusers also. This is where you act as uninteresting as a gray rock. You provide short, neutral, and disengaged answers to prevent feeding their emotional high conflict drama. The abuser is hoping you will come back at them, so then they can say you are the abusive one who lost their temper. Your calmness will deflate that. Say, it feels like you are trying to make me feel guilty to get your way, which can take the power away from the tactic. If they come back with something accusatory to you, still trying to lay blame on you, then walk away from the situation until the abuser has calmed down. Another method is using I statements instead of accusing the abuser of emotional neglect. Accusing them makes them defensive, so express your own feelings by saying I feel overwhelmed when this happens, or I need to take a break from this conversation if they are trying to manipulate and confuse you. This will give the abuser a chance to think about what you are experiencing without feeling attacked by accusations. When dealing with an emotionally abusive person, avoid justifying or defending yourself. When presented with a lie or twisted version of the truth, it's natural for us to want to clarify our intentions or feelings. But do not fall into the trap of over-explaining yourself. A simple yes or no is a complete sentence and does not require justification. Again, the abuser is trying to provoke you into losing your temper and saying more that gives them something to twist around to blame you. When you reply with a simple answer without showing emotion, it deflates the abuser's aggression and control. The last tactic you could use is limit the information you give them. Keep personal details to yourself. Manipulators often use personal information as ammunition to manipulate you later. Abusers are good at remembering things that will fuel their purpose. Anything you say can be used against you later, probably in a twisted reality to make the abuser feel better about themselves. When dealing with an emotionally abusive person, you need to avoid a few things also. Don't react emotionally. Getting angry, yelling, or crying often provides the validation they want. They want to have control over you to produce these reactions. Stay calm and use the tactical. I just mentioned to disengage with the abuse. Later, try to calmly discuss with the abuser the behaviors they displayed that bothered you and ask them to use a different method next time. Do not try to win an argument with the abuser. An abuser will twist the facts, no matter what you present. Conserve your energy and disengage, rather than trying to prove your point. As right as you probably are, and as much as you feel the need to justify your actions, the abuser cannot be open to your side of things. They have to see themselves as perfect and right and will not accept anything you say that refutes that image. And you have to stop expecting them to change. Focus on controlling your own actions and reactions rather than trying to change them. If they show no signs of being willing to work towards not being abusive, you need to consider ending the relationship. I know this is a difficult decision to make, especially when you care about the other person, but your mental health is what matters most. If the abuse is severe, consider seeking therapy or limiting contact with the individual. This is difficult to do when the abuser is a parent, partner, or coworker, someone you are connected to every day and on deeper levels. But again, your mental health is the most important thing. Emotional abuse experienced as a child is a different situation, which I discussed in episode four. Children are not able to use any of the tactics I talked about today to cope with the abusive parent, and their brain development is impacted more than at an adult age. Often, though, children who were emotionally abused by their parents end up in emotionally abusive relationships as adults. It is important to recognize if you experience any kind of abuse as a child, that you aren't unconsciously attracted to that same kind of treatment in adulthood. I will put a writing prompt on my website to help you determine if you are experiencing emotional abuse and how you can handle it in the future. You can find that at breakingarborders. Thanks for listening.