Breaking Our Borders Episode 23- Physical Abuse including Sexual Abuse

Welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and in today’s episode I’m going to talk deeper about physical and sexual abuse. Physical abuse is any aggressive or violent behavior by one person toward another that results in bodily injury, and includes any sexual behavior forced on a victim that provides stimulation for abuser. While physical abuse is done to the victim’s body, it also causes psychological damage and creates borders in the victim’s mind about themselves. Let’s get started talking about those borders right now. 

Transcript

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Welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to talk deeper about physical and sexual abuse. Physical abuse is any aggressive or violent behavior by one person toward another that results in bodily injury and includes any sexual behavior forced on a victim that provides stimulation for the abuser. While physical abuse is done to the victim's body, it also causes psychological damage and creates borders in the victim's mind about themselves. Let's get started talking about those borders right now. While this is not an excuse, it does give us an understanding of why abusers hurt their victims. Oftentimes, abusers have been hurt in their past and learn, as an adult, that abuse is a way to cope with their pain. Unfortunately, the abuse does not resolve their pain and causes more pain for the victim. People who use physical abuse typically are trying to exert control over their victim. This goal reflects their belief that they have a right and entitlement to control their victim, and that control fulfills the abuser's emotional needs. This is evident with an abusive parent and child relationship as well as with abusive adult romantic relationships. Physical abuse is defined as the intentional use of physical force against a person. It has devastating long and short-term effects on a victim's physical, mental, and emotional health. These consequences often persist long after visible wounds have healed, impacting the victim's social, cognitive, and biological functioning. Physical abuse may involve such actions as punching, kicking, biting, choking, burning, shaking, and beating, which may at times be severe enough to result in permanent damage or death to the victim. Parents often use physical abuse for several different reasons. It is frequently driven by frustrations, beliefs favoring discipline, or due to stress caused by life situations. There are several reasons a parent would use physical punishment. One is parents who are physically punished as children are more likely to use it themselves. This is the only method of parenting they know, and for some, they think it worked for them, so it will work with their own children. Some parents have a strong belief that physical punishment is necessary for discipline and obedience. They believe this is the only way to teach a child to know how to behave. Financial hardships, marital conflict, or mental health issues can lead to frustration and decreased emotional regulation for the parent. When someone is highly stressed about life situations like work, finances, or relationships, it is easy to lose their temper and take that anger out on someone else. A child's misbehavior may be typical for the child's development, but could spark the parent's anger because they don't want the child to act that way. A lack of knowledge of child development or other parenting methods can also lead to abuse. A limited understanding of age-appropriate behavior and typical child development can lead a parent to be physically abusive. Children's behaviors can be challenging to parents who don't understand that these behaviors are normal and can be handled without abuse. When a parent becomes frustrated with the child's behaviors, they may lash out with physical abuse. Physical abuse is a dysfunctional way to gain control and power in a relationship, whether that relationship is between parent and child or two adults. People seek control and power in relationships primarily to manage their own deep-seated insecurity, fear, and anxieties they have about themselves, often stemming from a need for emotional safety or because of past trauma. This behavior is frequently a coping mechanism to handle uncertainty, allowing individuals to avoid being vulnerable and to dictate their outcomes so they feel secure. The problem lies within the abuser, but they use violence to handle their issues and typically blame the victim for causing the abuse. There are several reasons why people have a need for control and power. One of those is the fear and insecurity about themselves. Underlying anxiety, low self-esteem, or fear of abandonment can drive individuals to control their environment so they feel safe. They may have a need for predictability. Abusers may use rigid rules and routines to manage a fear of the unknown. They control what happens so they don't experience the chaos of their past. They may have experienced trauma in their past. Individuals who lack structure or faced chaotic environments during childhood, may overcompensate by dominating their adult relationships. They long for the control they didn't have as a child and overcompensate by controlling those around them. They may have personality factors that contribute to their abuse also. Certain personality traits, such as those associated with narcissistic or obsessive-compulsive tendencies, can lead to a heightened desire for control. Power is often used to mask feelings of powerlessness or weakness, ensuring they are never found out to be imperfect. When an abusive person feels like they are losing control or power, that they are in an emotionally unsafe situation, or that their insecurities are going to be exposed, they are more likely to be abusive. The victim is often unaware that this is the case or what triggers the abuser to become violent. The abuser typically blames the victim for the abuse instead of recognizing their own problems and dysfunctional behavior. There are some immediate effects of physical abuse on the victim. The obvious one is physical injuries and pain. Bruises, lacerations, broken bones, burns, internal injuries, and in some severe cases death can happen to the victim. Anger typically spurs a physical attack, and for some people, their outrage leads them to hurting another person, sometimes repeatedly or for a long period until their anger subsides. The victims will also feel an acute emotional distress. They may have an intense fear, anxiety, shock, and confusion, feelings of helplessness and anger are all common emotions for a victim of physical abuse. When someone attacks us, we immediately have a desire to defend ourselves, whether that is verbally or physically. We immediately feel anger that we were violated, confusion as to why we are being abused, and fear it will continue. While our initial instinct is to defend ourselves, victims of physical abuse often realize that standing up for themselves will cause more abuse. They are left feeling hopeless in being able to do anything to make the abuse stop. Children do not have the power to stop their parents' abuse at the moment, and often if they do try, they are likely to face more abuse. Another thing that victims experience is hypervigilance. This is a constant heightened state of alertness for danger, especially when they are around the abuser. The victim is always worrying about whether the abuse is about to happen again. Since the victim doesn't know when the abuser is feeling insecure or unsafe, they don't know what may cause the abuse. Physical abuse is often sporadic and without notice. The chaos of that situation leads to the victim trying to predict the abuse in an effort to prevent it. Victims may also have sleep disturbances like insomnia, nightmares, and persistent sleep problems that can happen due to the anxiety, hypervigilance, and fear of the recurring abuse after a physical attack. There are also long-term consequences of physical abuse. Some are chronic physical health issues, like asthma, heart problems, hypertension, and gastrointestinal issues that can be caused by heightened chemicals in the brain because of being stuck in the fight or flight mode due to the fear of more physical abuse. Arthritis and chronic pain can occur from injuries caused by the abuse. And in rare cases, there is the potential for traumatic brain injury or a concussion if the abuse is directed at the head. There are some psychological disorders that abuse victims are at risk for as well. They may develop post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, severe anxiety, and depression. Long-term stress, also called toxic stress, can happen from enduring physical abuse and hypervigilance from fear of more abuse. This results in the PTSD, anxiety, and depression over time. Some victims result to self-harm and even suicide. Enduring physical abuse can cause an increased risk of suicidal ideation and attempts, or lead to coping with the pain of abuse by self-harming. The abuse and the coping mechanisms that go with it can cause emotional pain that can be hard to endure for long periods of time. Suicide provides an end to the abuse, and self-harm provides a means of control for the victim and a release of the stress and pain that they have to endure. Some victims see no way of stopping the abuse other than to end their own life. Substance abuse is often common with victims. Obviously, there is pain to the body involved with physical abuse, but there is also emotional pain due to coping with the strong feelings that go along with being abused. Some victims may turn to alcohol or drugs to cope with that pain. Physical abuse victims have a greater likelihood of obesity and immune system disorders due to the brain being stuck in the fight or flight mode. The chemicals created during this fear phase can alter metabolic functioning that can cause obesity. The abundance of those chemicals can also alter immune system functions, leading to conditions like lupus and fibromyalgia. Sometimes food is a coping mechanism that can provide temporary comfort, but which can also lead to obesity. Victims of physical abuse may have behavioral or social effects. Some victims may result to social isolation. They may withdraw from friends, family, and activities to hide the abuse out of shame. The victim feels shame for the abuse happening because they feel they are the cause of it. They fear others finding out about the abuse because then they have to admit to their shame, and fear that the abuse will be worse if the abuser is found out. Some victims develop feelings of distrust. They have difficulty trusting others and forming healthy relationships. An abusive relationship teaches us that people are unsafe, and children can develop thoughts that all adults are unsafe based on their parents' behaviors. Parents teach us how to form relationships. If they are abusive, we can learn to believe that abusive relationships are normal. Victims often choose the same kind of relationship in their future. Some physical abuse victims may show aggression. Victims, particularly children, may act out or mirror violent behaviors. All behavior is learned, and reacting to anger with violence is no different. When children are shown abuse when the parent is angry, they will learn to behave in the same way when they are angry. And they will have feelings of anger about the lack of control in stopping the abuse. Some children may have developmental regressions. This includes behaviors like thumb sucking or bedwetting. Abuse causes emotional dysregulation, which is the inability to manage the intensity and duration of emotional responses, resulting in reactions that are not appropriate to the situation. As humans, we crave emotional regulation. We will seek behaviors as children and adults that give us calmness and comfort. Work and school for a victim can be impacted with lowered job performance, absenteeism, or poor academic results. When our minds are filled with anxiety, hypervigilance, and stress caused by abuse, it is difficult to get it to focus on other things, like work or school activities. If the victim has visible wounds, the parent may keep the child home, or an adult may call off a work so that the abuse is not detected. Now I will discuss sexual abuse. I have not experienced sexual abuse, but several people I have known did. For my research to discuss this topic, I referred to a book I read long ago to better understand the plight of the people I knew who had experienced sexual abuse. The book is called The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Laura Davis also wrote a workbook as a companion to the book called The Courage to Heal Workbook. I will add both books to my suggested reading list on my website, breakingarborders.com. I found the book to be helpful in understanding what sexual abuse does to a child emotionally and developmentally, and how that is carried into adulthood. It gave me perspective on what the people I knew were experiencing and how I could be more supportive. Sexual abuse has been kept quiet for many years due to shame felt by the victim, disbelief by others, and the fear that the abuser will retaliate. But the victims deserve to be heard and begin to heal. Childhood sexual abuse is any behavior between a child and a person older than a child, not necessarily an adult, that results in sexual stimulation for the older person. This can include physical touch, exposure of bodies, or penetration. Childhood sexual abuse violates the children's boundaries, their right to say yes or no, and their sense of control in the world. They are powerless against the abuser and made to feel like they have no value because they are used by the abuser and because of their lack of say in what happens to them. Since children are not developmentally able to fully process what happened to them, they may ignore the feelings and hide them away to survive. During the abuse, they may leave their bodies and minds, this is also called dissociation, in order to cope with the abuse. Sexual abuse causes many of the same emotional issues, coping mechanisms, and personality disorders that other abuse victims experience. But sexual abuse victims may also have sexual anxiety and disorders, including promiscuity. Along with anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, low self-esteem and self-worth, addictions and dysfunctional behaviors, sexual abuse victims also have the problem of understanding their own healthy sexuality. Childhood victims were robbed of the chance to explore and learn about sexuality on their timeline and in a healthy way. Sexual experiences were linked to feelings of shame, pain, and humiliation. Victims may struggle to enjoy the pleasures of sexual relationships, or they may think that sexual behavior is a way to show their worth, a way to keep others happy, and a way to receive love. Sexual abuse victims are not only tasked with carrying the emotional scars of abuse, but they have to bear the sexual ones as well. The way the abuse is handled during the victim's childhood has a huge impact on how well and when healing will begin. If the parent was the abuser, then the abuse was not likely acknowledged or treated. For these victims, their pain is probably not dealt with until adulthood, and that is only because they have decided to do the healing for themselves. If the abuse was not by a parent and the parent was told, but did not support the child, then the healing was delayed, and the pain intensified due to the lack of parental support. If it was acknowledged and managed by the parent, then the healing process could begin. Healing from sexual abuse, just like emotional and physical abuse, is possible. If you experience sexual abuse, I highly recommend finding a counselor that specializes in sexual abuse. The emotional pain victims are caused is not something that goes away and can affect mental health and happiness for the rest of their lives. Self-help books, podcasts, or sport groups can be helpful too. Just make sure you are finding something that can help you cope with an emotional load that was not your fault that you have to carry. While doing research about abuse, emotional, physical, and sexual, it has become clear to me that all abuse seems to stem from the abuser's need for power and control, as well as distorted thinking caused by past trauma or psychopathic traits. Psychopathic traits include a lack of empathy, remorse, or guilt, combined with manipulative, impulsive, and narcissistic behaviors. One, many, or all of these reasons can be why someone abuses in a physical, sexual, or emotional way. This is not to give the abuser an excuse or an out for their behavior, but sometimes understanding why someone does something can help us see that it is not our fault that it happened. Abuse, no matter the type, is never the victim's fault. Understanding that can be the first step on a healing journey. There are so many negative emotions connected with all types of abuse, so many borders created in children's minds, and so many dysfunctional behaviors that can result from that abuse. All of this greatly impacts the person you become, your mental health status, and how happy you are with life. If you have been abused in any way, as a child or as an adult, please seek help in healing the pain put on you by your abuser. If you are struggling with how to do that, send me an email at breakingarborders at gmail.com and I would be happy to talk you through some options that may work for you. Also check out my website at breakingarborders.com for journal prompts that could help you with beginning your healing journey. You can also find videos on my Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube pages of quick messages about healing. I hope you have a great week and thanks for listening.