Perceptions Versus Reality

Hello and welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and in today’s episode I’m going to talk about perceptions. Perceptions are how individuals organize, identify, and interpret sensory information to understand the world around them. It has been my experience that the difference in perceptions can be the cause of misunderstandings, arguments, and hurt feelings. It is important that we understand and accept each other’s perceptions so that we can have healthier relationships without conflict. Let’s get started discussing how to do that, right now.

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Hello and welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode I'm going to talk about perceptions. Perceptions are how individuals organize, identify, and interpret sensory information to understand the world around them. It has been my experience that the difference in perceptions can be the cause of misunderstandings, arguments, and hurt feelings. It is important that we understand and accept each other's perceptions so that we can have healthier relationships without conflict. Let's get started discussing how to do that right now. Because all humans think, feel, and experience things differently, we can have various perceptions of the same event. Perception is often mistaken as reality, but it is not. As humans, we often believe that if we think it, feel it, or experience it, then it is reality. It is what happened to us, but often we are referring to our perception of the experience. Reality is the state of things as they exist. It is a truth that stays fixed no matter how it is perceived. An example of this could be a story my sons reminded me of when they were young and they decided to squirt expired suntan lotion all over the driveway. Their perception was that the lotion was expired, so might as well have fun with it. My perception was that I had a big mess to clean up all over the driveway. The reality was the lotion had expired, but the boys and I had different perceptions on what should be done with it at that point. These types of different perceptions are also evident in emotional interactions and disagreements. Many people feel possession over their perceptions because it is their truth. There's nothing wrong in supporting your truth, but when you refuse to hear another person's truth or perception, there can be hurt feelings and conflict over a lack of understanding. My husband likes to tease me and joke around with me. I enjoy this as well, however, sometimes my perception of his teasing is that he's being critical and harsh. I struggle with issues from my childhood of being treated critically and humiliated. Sometimes my husband's joking triggers my feelings of how I was treated as a child. He has teased me about not doing enough around the house, saying things like, What do you mean you haven't done that yet? When in reality, I often do a lot in one day, and he is being sarcastic about how much I have done already. He's actually saying the opposite of what I am interpreting. I interpret his sarcasm as criticism that I have not done enough, and become hurt that he isn't acknowledging what I have done. The reality is that's exactly what he's doing, in his own joking way, but I have perceived it differently. Perception can be skewed by your background or upbringing, by emotions, or by the environment in which the event occurs. Our brains are like storytellers. We tell the story that we experienced and assume that is what others experienced as well. But this is not the case. I recently talked with both of my sons about my parenting when they were growing up. Each of them had a very different story to tell, and different stories than what I would have told, which prompted me to do this episode. Why both of my sons were born to the same two parents, sharing the same DNA, lived in the same environment most of their lives, and I thought I parented both of them the same, their perceptions of their childhood was much different than mine. All three of us saw the events of those years differently. None of us are wrong in our own perceptions. None of us are right either. Each of us has created our own truth about the events based on our memories, emotional reactions, and past experiences. These perceptions are also affected by each of our personality traits. Our personality acts as a psychological filter, shaping how we interpret situations, evaluate others, and make sense of the world. If a person is more of an empathetic type, their perceptions are more likely to be conscious of the other person's perceptions as well, while still evaluating their own perception. People who are of the non-emphetic type will create perceptions based on their internal biases that serve their own needs. They will perceive a situation as being an insult or attack on them. I have been in relationships with a non-emphetic person where I offered advice or a suggestion to them. My perception was that I was helping them figure out a problem, but their perception was that I was criticizing what they chose to do initially. My truth was that was not my intention at all, however. Their truth was the opposite, and oftentimes the result was a conflict between us. Each of us created a different version of the same event in our minds. Humans value their perceptions by treating them as reality and using them to form the basis of their beliefs, decisions, and daily behaviors. Because the brain filters sensory data to create meaning, individuals cherish their unique viewpoints and assign personal, social, and cultural worth to experiences based on how they perceive the world. It's difficult to change our perceptions because our long-held beliefs, opinions, and worldviews are deeply tied to our personal identities, and our brains are naturally wired to resist change. Shifting that view requires continuous intention, open-mindedness, and the courage to let go of comfortable thoughts and opinions. Our emotions can impact our perceptions as well. Emotions act as a powerful filter that dictates how you interpret the world. Instead of acting as an objective camera, your brain shapes your reality based on your feelings, altering your perception. Emotions direct your focus toward what is most emotionally relevant in that moment. Fear or anxiety, for example, makes you hypervigilant, prioritizing your attention on potential threats. In my example about my husband teasing me, my emotional state from my past was triggered, and my perception of his actions was impacted by those emotions. Depending on what your emotional situation is at the moment, tired, stressed, anxious, calm, happy, etc., can impact how you perceive the situation. There are times when I can perceive my husband's teasing as a joke and will play along, but it is dependent on my mood. Fortunately for our relationship, I have accepted that my husband is the joking kind, and have explained to him that sometimes I can be sensitive to his comments. We have resolved this by agreeing to clarify any comments that we are unsure about. Like I just say, are you joking right now? Or I'm not in the mood for teasing. This is a healthy way to handle disagreements in our perceptions, but not all people are able to work this out. Opinions can also affect perceptions and our interactions with others. An opinion is a specific belief, judgment, or stance on a particular subject. A perspective is the broader underlying worldview shaped by your experiences, background, and values through which you view the world and form those opinions. Perspective is the viewpoint, and opinion is the resulting judgment. I'll go back to my example of my husband teasing me about how much housework I had completed. My perspective of his comments was that he was criticizing me, which formed my opinion that he was being a jerk at the moment. His perspective was that he was teasing me through sarcasm, which formed his opinion that I had actually done a lot of work. The situation of different perceptions leading to different opinions caused conflict between us. Opinions can happen at even higher levels of judgment, biases, or racism. People's opinions of these subjects can greatly impact our perception of the type of person they are. There are times that the difference of our opinions can impact our perceptions of someone to the point of not being able to be associated with that person. There are several leaders in our country whose opinions I do not share. This has caused me to create a perception of them as a person, to judge their morals and ethics, and to criticize their actions. I am creating a perception without all the reality of this person, without having even met them or hearing their reasoning for their actions and beliefs. As humans, we are quick to judge others based on our opinion or perspective. This is because our brains prioritize speed over accuracy to categorize people and situations. We rely on mental shortcuts and personal biases to quickly interpret the world around us. This is not always an accurate or thought-out conclusion, but it is one that most of us accept as our belief and find security in being right about that belief. I see this when discussing things like style, behaviors, or choices that others make. In my years of teaching, I have seen parents treat their children in ways I did not think was acceptable. How could they ignore their child's needs, not provide financially for their child, or subject them to unhealthy or stressful situations? Over the years, as I worked on my own healing journey and talked further with some of those parents, I found that not all of us are educated on parenting or provided with good role models to follow once we have our own children. Some are doing the best they can with what they know, and some don't know any other way. I hear people criticize others who have unique colored hair or hairstyles, tattoos or piercings, thinking that people with these styles are wrong or weird and they should comply with social norms of regular hair colors, gender-specific hairstyles, and no body art. They perceive people with these styles as deviant, misbehaving, or malicious. This idea is carried into the issues of gender, sexuality, political views, nationality, and intelligence level. We have created perceptions of others based on this one factor, and not always on reality. Our brains filter messages through our personal histories, cognitive biases, and emotional states to create perceptions. We create a reality of all experiences based on our perceptions, but our perceptions are not always based in factual reality, or all the facts that complete the reality. Our perceptions make assumptions about people or situations based on preconceived thoughts, similar interactions, new information, or current emotions. Many humans are closed-minded to situations that they have already developed an opinion on, which then skews their perception of the situation. In order to have healthy interactions with others, we need an open mind and take stock in what our perceptions are telling us. Now I'm not saying we cannot have our own perceptions, opinions, and beliefs. There are some of my perceptions, opinions, and beliefs that I will not budge on. But in order to have healthy relationships, we need to value other people's perspectives, beliefs, and opinions as well. We all have a right to have our own. We don't have to agree with them or accept them as our own, but we need to be respectful that we all have different views. Going back to the example of talking with my sons about their childhood, I was surprised by some of their perceptions of what happened. Some things I completely disagreed with, some I acknowledged, and some was new information for me. All of it I accepted with respect that their views differed from mine. I don't have to agree with them or accept their perceptions as reality, but I do need to respect the difference if I want to have strong relationships with my sons. By recognizing and respecting each other's different perceptions, we can learn new aspects, build stronger bonds in our relationships, and find greater resilience and better understanding of each other. When in a conflict or feeling judgment, ask yourself if your perceptions are impacting your thoughts. Are your opinions and beliefs from the past impacting your perception of the present? Are you judging instead of accepting just because of a difference in perception? I believe we would all be happier if we could find peace with our own perceptions, opinions, and beliefs, while still respecting and accepting those of others without judgment and criticism. I know it's not easy. But next time you are feeling criticized, judged, or attacked, look within and see if you are perceiving things differently because of past experiences, like my situation with my husband. And if you are judging, criticizing, or attacking others, look within and see if your perception of them is biased. Like when my son shared their perceptions of their childhood. I believe you will find peace within, stronger relationships, and less stress if you do. Thank you for listening today. Please follow me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. I hope you have a great week.