Breaking Our Borders Episode 29- Grief

Hello, everyone and welcome back! I’m Dr. Michelle Border and in today’s episode I’m going to talk about grief. We think of grief as being associated with the death of someone close to us, but grief can be felt for other types of losses as well. Today I will talk about the many different ways we can experience grief, the different emotions that come with grief, and how we can work through those difficult emotions. So let’s get started talking about all of that right now.

Transcript

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Hi everyone and welcome back. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to talk about grief. We think of grief as being associated with the death of someone close to us, but grief can also be felt for other types of losses as well. Today I will talk about the many different ways we can experience grief, the different emotions that come with grief, and how we can work through those difficult emotions. So let's get started talking about all of that right now. While it is most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, it can also be caused by any significant separation or change in one's familiar or expected reality. When I think back to when I first experienced grief, I think of the death of my great aunt who took care of me when I was a child. She was more of a mother to me than my biological mother, and her death was devastating for me. But thinking about it more, I had been experiencing grief long before her death, perhaps for as long as I had memories. Living with childhood trauma led me to grieving for many things that I wished for in my life. Grief is also something I experienced many times since my aunt's death as well. When my aunt passed, a friend told me about a book called Good Grief by Granger E. Westbrook. I got the book in hopes to better understand the mix of feelings I was going through after my aunt passed. I couldn't name some of the feelings and some I didn't know why I was feeling at all. I thought sadness was the only feeling experienced with a death. Good grief helped me understand that many feelings, along with sadness, happen with grief, and it helped me name the feelings that I wasn't understanding.

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Westburg says in the beginning of the book that we experience grief when the foundation of our life is shaken and we feel the greatest despair. Since most people don't know much about how grief works and all the feelings that go with it, they typically fall into a deeper despair and sadness. This was definitely the case for me after my aunt's passing. It also needs to be stated that no two people experience grief in the same way, in the same amount, or at the same time. It is okay for people to experience different things in different ways and at different time lengths, and we should honor that difference with respect and support for each other. In the book, Mr. Westbrook describes ten stages of grief and all the feelings that can happen during those stages. These stages can be experienced in a variety of orders, different intensities, and can be revisited during the grieving process.

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Westbrook's stages starts with shock. It can feel like being under anesthesia and feeling numb. Life is continuing to go on after a loss, but our mind can't yet process it. This is especially true if the loss is tragic or unexpected. When my great aunt passed, she was ninety-five and had suffered a major stroke. It was no surprise that her time had come. But yet I still felt some shock. My mind was blank and I wondered what was I supposed to do without her? How would I carry on with life as usual after such a loss? I wanted everything to stop so I could be sad for a while, process what to do without her, and pull myself together. But that wasn't possible. Shock is a way our brain protects us from feeling the painful feelings of loss. But we can't stay there forever. Stage two is where we begin to express emotions. Our brain has moved past the shock and recognizes the emotions that are coming. These emotions can be a wide range of different feelings. Most people think there is just sadness, but often it is also anger, regret, fear, or any combination of these feelings along with others, depending on the situation. When my aunt passed, I felt some shock, but quickly moved into sadness and regret. I regretted not being able to care for her more in her last days because I had my own family to care for two hours away. I was so sad that I would not have her to call and talk to, to expect my visits with great pleasure, or her care and concern for me like no other had. I didn't know how to go on with life without her, and was saddened at the fact that I had to. I was only 31 when she died, and I figured I would have many more years of life without her. This was my greatest sadness. Not too long later, I started to feel anger. I was angry that she was alone when she had her stroke and wasn't able to call for help. I was angry that I put off calling her that day, it was New Year's Day, because I had friends over and was waiting for them to leave so I could give her my full attention when I called. I was angry that she had to be put in a nursing home, the last thing she ever wanted, and that she couldn't live out her life the way she wanted. Some people have feelings of denial too. Denial is another coping mechanism that helps us handle strong emotions. I don't think I had these feelings when my aunt passed, but I did ignore a lot of what I was feeling. I knew I was having a lot of emotions, but I didn't have time to cope with the grief, because I had two small sons, a home, and the last quarter of coursework for my bachelor's degree to take care of. Some people will deny their feelings during the grief period, saying that they are fine, working hard to maintain normal life patterns, but those emotions will build up and come out in some way eventually. This was the case for me. A few months after I graduated with my degree, I went to my aunt's gravesite and sat on the grass, thinking about her and our memories. All of a sudden a huge ball of emotions welled up in me and I began to sob. I sat at her tombstone and sobbed for almost half an hour. After the cry, I felt somewhat lighter, like a weight had been lifted from me. I was still very sad that she was no longer with me, but that cry helped me to release a lot of emotions that I was suppressing. When I was feeling the emotions, I should have taken time to sit with it, sort it out, and process it to be in a healthier mindset. A lot of men have this problem because men are told they need to suck it up or handle things like a man. Gender does not determine the level of grief we feel or how we handle it. Feeling emotions is a human characteristic, and trying to deny that trait will bring on deeper and unhealthy emotions. Taking time to work through your emotions or seeking help and how to cope with feelings is the best way to handle grief. Mr. Westburg's next stage in the grief process is depression. Obviously we will be sad at the loss of anything, but when the acknowledgement of the permanency of the loss creeps in, we can feel a deeper despair than just sadness. When the permanency set in for me when my aunt passed, it was dooming. There was no other option, no plan B to ease the sadness, nothing I could do to change the situation that I would never see or talk to her again. In my opinion, this is the worst part of grief. And maybe in many life situations, there is nothing we can do to change some things. There is no way possible to change death. All we can do is learn to cope with the sadness and despair. I will talk more about how to do that later in this episode. Stage four is physical illness or distress. When emotions are not handled in a healthy way, this can turn into physical stress or tension. Over long periods of this, the body can suffer from immune disorders, heart trouble, digestion issues, joint pain, or mental exhaustion. People can actually feel physically sick because of not processing emotions. I mentioned this problem with childhood trauma survivors who have bottled up complex emotions for many years, leading to real emotional and physical ailments. By not finding healthy ways to cope with emotions, humans are setting themselves up for anxiety, depression, physical conditions, and prolonged emotional stress. Stage five is feelings of panic. Some people may feel panicky that they will never move past the loss, that they cannot process these feelings so that they will be happy again. When in the sadness of loss, it is very difficult to see a way to be happy again. It's also somewhat disloyal to the one that is gone to feel happiness. If we're happy without them, doesn't that mean that we didn't care about or love them as much as we should? As humans, we are a complex being that can experience many different emotions at the same time. At my graduation, just four months after my aunt died, I was deeply saddened that she wasn't there to celebrate with me, but also very happy that I had completed that accomplishment. Being happy about graduating had nothing to do with my love for my aunt or how much I missed her.

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Westbrook's stage six is guilt. I talked a little about that earlier with the flood of emotions grief can bring. People drive themselves down the guilt road, hitting every pothole filled with the what ifs, should have's, and if only's. And what does that get us? It will likely cause more damage to our vehicle without providing means for repair. The night of my aunt's stroke, I had an urgent feeling I should call her. It was after ten at night and I knew she would be in bed already. I talked myself out of calling because I didn't want to startle her and wake her and make her worry that something was wrong leading me to call so late. I believe at that moment she was getting sick, or possibly had her stroke already. If only I had called. I should have been there for her. And what if I called then? Could I have gotten her help sooner? Helped her before she had the stroke or even been there to offer her support and comfort. I will forever regret not calling her that night, but I have learned to deal with my guilt by promising myself that if I ever have that feeling again, I will act on it. Stage seven is anger and resentment. Humans instinctively want to place blame or an explanation for why something happened. We need the clarity of understanding why things have happened to us. This understanding helps us release ourselves from blame or responsibility and gives peace of mind that we could not have done anything to change the outcome. My aunt was 95 and had a massive stroke that led to her death. She lived a long and relatively healthy life. No one should have felt anger or resentment about her passing, but I did. I was angry that she didn't die peacefully in her sleep, that she was gone from my life, and I was resentful of those who still had their loved ones with them. While I was grateful that she lived so long and was pretty healthy for her age, I still felt the anger and resentment that often accompanies grief. There have been other people in my life that were taken away at much younger ages than my aunt, who I was not as close to, but I still felt anger and resentment for them as well. Anger that they were gone too soon, anger for the way they passed, anger that I didn't have more time with them, and resentment that someone older wasn't taken instead. While some may say it's awful to think about someone else dying instead, these feelings are normal when faced with death, and should be faced with compassion and not shame. In stage eight, Mr. Westburg talks about how we resist returning to our normal life after coping with a death. When a tragic thing happens to us, we struggle to know how to move on. How do we just let go of this catastrophic thing and all the emotions, memories, and experiences that went with it? After losing my aunt, I remember standing at a crosswalk waiting to go into the college I attended. I became numb for a moment as people walked past me and cars drove by. All these people going on with their lives after I had lost one of the most important people in mine. I remember feeling like I wanted to yell at everyone to stop. Just stop and let me tell you about this wonderful person the world had just lost, how important she was to me, and what all she did for me. If they knew all of this, they too would stop and stay there on the sidewalk with me grieving. But that's not how life works. The world does not stop spinning because we need to shut down to deal with our emotions. It is difficult in the beginning to return to the life that you had before a death, and we will never go back to that normal. But we can find a new normal that provides us with emotional health while still cherishing their memories. Stage nine happens when hope comes back. After all the feelings and processing from the previous stages, a time will come where we can have hope that life will not be as sad as it has been. As we process our feelings, respecting the memories of those we lost, relieving ourselves of guilt, anger, and resentment, and start to find happiness again, we can begin to see our new normal without our loved one. I didn't really start to grieve for my aunt until about six months after her death. I had finished four years of college and had some time to deal with my feelings. I was still a mother, wife, and homeowner and was job hunting at that time. I still had those parts of life to take care of, but I looked at how my aunt would want me to go on with my life and be the best person I could be at whatever I was doing. I still wanted to make her proud of me, and I couldn't do that without handling my grief.

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Westburg's last stage of grief is acceptance of reality. I say it is the acceptance of our new reality. After a loss, reality will never be as it was before. Without that person in our life, we have to figure out how we will go on with our own lives. During the process of managing grief, we can find ways to honor our loved ones' memory while moving forward with the life we are left with. I find it hard to believe that if our loved ones could come back, they would be proud of us for wallowing in misery, falling into deep despair and depression, and missing out on the joys that are left for us while we are on this planet. I believe they would want us to honor them with remembrances and fondness, but also by being the best and happiest person we can be while we are here. Other sources name fewer stages of grief and have labeled them a bit differently than Mr. Westburg's, but the ideas are generally the same, and all sources say that grief does not happen one step at a time and not in any restricted time frame. Each person will feel any or all of the feelings I mentioned, and at different times or lengths. The stages can be revisited as well. One is not over just because they completed it once. Grief also does not happen only when a death occurs. Grief can happen for many situations in life. Anytime we experience a loss in our lives, we can feel grief. It can be a loss of a job, a relationship, a financial situation, or an expectation. I asked my ex-husband for a divorce, but I still grieved the loss of a marriage that I had hoped would last. When I realized my mother was a narcissist and had no intention of improving our relationship, I felt deep grief for the relationship I knew I would never have with my mother, and that I had longed for all my life. Sometimes I still feel grief over that. I have had friendships end that cost me some grief. These are all examples of relationships that I had invested in, gave my time and energy to, and became emotionally connected with. This is similar to a death because it means an end to the relationship and likely you won't be in contact with that person in the future. However, ending some relationships is healthier for us mentally and emotionally. But that does not mean we won't feel grief over the loss. Sometimes we can experience grief when our expectations or hopes don't happen. This can be with careers, home situations, financial situations, or education. Sometimes we get so invested in our hopes and dreams that we feel grief when they don't happen. There have been many job opportunities that I have wanted and applied for, only to be rejected. I have hoped for a certain house, vacation spot, or large purchase to improve mine or my family's life, but it didn't happen. I have tried different things to increase my education and then hopefully my financial situation for me and my family. But it hasn't always worked. These disappointments have brought about some of the feelings associated with grief. In situations of relationships or disappointments, I have felt feelings of loss, sadness, emptiness, anger, guilt, regret, and resentment. It is natural to have these feelings when we experience any kind of loss, whether it's a death, end of a relationship, or the loss of a dream. What we shouldn't do is dwell on those feelings. We need to acknowledge and accept what we are feeling, and then find a way to begin healing and moving on. The amount of feelings and time for this process varies depending on the situation and the person. Allow yourself the time you need and the acceptance of what you're feeling. Think about what your new normal is going to look like, and then decide how you're going to get to that normal. You may not be happy about creating a new normal, and that's okay too. But it is the reality of the situation. We must go on. And it's better to do that in an emotionally healthy way than to ignore or dwell in what we were going through. When I have experienced loss of relationships or disappointments in life, I have often found that positive things happened. I found greater happiness or even better situation than what I had hoped for. I will put a journal prompt on my website to help you think through how you can find your way to a better normal after a loss. You can find that at breakingarborders.com. Please also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. Thanks for listening.