Breaking Our Borders Episode 33- Forgiveness

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the Breaking Our Borders podcast. I’m Dr. Michelle Border, and in today’s episode I’m going to talk about forgiveness. I’ll discuss what forgiveness means, how to give it, and whether or not we should give it. It is a choice we make to give forgiveness, and in my mind, not something that should be given to everyone. So, let’s get started talking about forgiveness right now. 

Transcript

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to the Breaking Our Borders Podcast. I'm Dr. Michelle Border, and in today's episode, I'm going to talk about forgiveness. I'll discuss what forgiveness means, how to give it, and whether or not we should give it. It is a choice we make to give forgiveness, and in my mind, not something that should be given to everyone. So let's get started talking about forgiveness right now. By definition, forgiveness is the decision to let go of resentment, anger, and the desire for vengeance towards someone who has wronged you. It is shifting your attitude so that emotional healing can happen, ultimately freeing you from the heavy burden of past hurts. Forgiveness can improve mental health, reduce stress, and improve relationships. And we need to give it whether it is asked for or not. However, in my opinion, this is much easier said than done in some situations, and is a simple answer to when something minor happens, like someone accidentally breaks one of your possessions and then apologizes for their mistake. But I think some situations can have a deeper emotional connection and pain that can make forgiveness harder to give. What I'm about to say in this episode about forgiveness is my opinion and should not be taken as a literal explanation of how to handle your forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice. You get to decide if you do or don't give it. But I think there is some pressure put on the forgiver while allowing the one who did wrong to be released of the wrongdoing. In my opinion, forgiveness is a gift that should be asked for. And once given, the wrongdoer should not ever do the wrong thing again. For example, if my husband calls me a name in joking, but I don't like the name and tell him I find it offensive, then he should ask for forgiveness, then not do that to me again. Seems simple enough, right? But what about when the pain is much deeper, or they don't ask for forgiveness? I have been in abusive relationships where I was emotionally harmed, manipulated, and used. My needs and wants were disregarded, and only the other person's needs were fulfilled. I have been verbally, emotionally, and physically attacked by others, and never given an apology from the abusers when I expressed my upset with their behaviors. They showed no remorse for their behavior, nor did they stop it. The abuse did not end until I removed them from my life. My mother in particular caused me great pain and damaged my growth and development to the point of causing me trauma that I have had to cope with all my life. Now I'm supposed to forgive her, release any feelings I may have of resentment, anger, or vengeance towards her for the lifelong pain she caused. I've thought about this a lot through my healing journey, and I am just not willing to give her my forgiveness. I will not forgive such cruel, hurtful, and malicious behavior. However, I do not feel vengeance towards any of my abusers. Vengeance is wanting to hurt or punish someone for the wrong they did to you. Like the saying, an eye for an eye. If they caused harm, then they deserve to have harm done to them. Vengeance is the brain's way of ending the pain caused and creating some fairness. It also triggers the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine, the pleasure chemical, because we are getting even and making the playing field more fair. I don't have a desire to hurt my abusers as they hurt me, but I definitely understand the desire to want vengeance. And honestly, I have had some thoughts of wishing unhappy times for them, like random explosive diarrhea, slash tires on their car, personal failure. But I know that my vengeance on them will not undo the pain that they caused me. Resentment, anger, and regret, however, are feelings that I still struggle to let go of. I resent the pain caused by my abusers. I am angry that they caused me so much pain that I didn't deserve, and now have to live with that pain and find a way to heal it. I regret that I didn't know how to end the pain sooner or allowed it to go on as long as it did. These are the feelings I have had to figure out how to cope with. Anger and resentment are natural human emotions caused by feelings of being wronged, threatened, or frustrated with the actions of another. These feelings can be as minimal as being angry that your friend accidentally broke your favorite cup, to resentment towards your parents for abusing you for many years and anywhere in between. And these feelings of anger or resentment may make us feel a need for vengeance to ease those feelings. Professionals say that the best way to handle the feelings of resentment, anger, and vengeance is to forgive the wrongdoer, even if they have not asked for it. Giving your forgiveness does not mean you are forgetting, condoning, or minimizing what was done to you. It simply means that you find a way to move past the anger and hurt that they inflicted so you can be at peace, find happiness, and move beyond the incident that was done to you. Again, I think this is easier said than done sometimes. It might be easy to do when your friend broke your favorite cup. You might still be upset that you don't have your cup anymore, but you can forgive your friend because you know they didn't do it to hurt you on purpose. It is harder when someone has hurt you multiple times, and even harder when you have asked them not to repeat that behavior, but they still do. I feel this is a different type of situation that will be difficult to forgive. And my challenge to popular thought in the mental health world on forgiveness is maybe it shouldn't be forgiven at all. My parents were neglectful and abusive through my entire childhood and for several years into my adulthood. My ex-husband did similar things to me for over 20 years. I did express that I was unhappy with their behaviors, but I was not given an apology, and the behaviors did not stop until I distanced myself from the relationship. So now I have had to learn to live with the anger and hurt from their behaviors without them acknowledging the pain they caused me, without a change in their behaviors, and without recognition of what I have had to go through because of their choices. Not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy, but I am making progress. Forgiveness can happen in two ways, decisional and emotional. Decisional forgiveness is a conscious, rational choice to let go of angry, resentful thoughts toward the person who harmed you. This is highly effective for repairing and reconciling relationships. This goes along with my example of if my husband called me a name that I didn't like. Emotional forgiveness is a much deeper, harder process that replaces lingering negative feelings with positive emotions like sympathy, compassion, and empathy. This level of forgiveness can provide the most healthy results for the forgiver. This is what I have given those who have caused me years of pain. I've chosen not to forgive my abusers because I don't believe they deserve my forgiveness. But what I have done is learn more about why they treated me as they did. In learning about my own pain, I have discovered that they have mental and personality disorders that cause them to not understand that they are hurtful, selfish, abusive people. When I expressed my displeasure in their behaviors, they denied doing wrong and often blame me for causing their behaviors. I also learned that most of them had had childhood trauma. Their trauma caused them pain like mine. And instead of finding healthy ways to deal with their pain, they chose to take that pain out on others. There is a phrase that goes, hurt people hurt people. And I feel that is true. Some people use their pain as a weapon against others to keep themselves from experiencing more pain. In a way, I feel sorry for these people because they will never know true happiness due to reliving their pain instead of coping with it in a positive way. And to that, I can feel sympathy towards them. Now I am not excusing their behavior towards me, overlooking the pain it caused, or allowing them to continue to hurt me. But just understanding why someone acts the way they do, for me, takes away the sting of what they did. It's not a personal attack on just me. That's just how they treat everyone. This knowledge also provides me with information I need to decide how much I'm going to allow this person in my life. Someone who does not acknowledge their actions, apologize for pain they caused, and doesn't stop that behavior is not someone that I want in my life. If that is how they are going to treat me, then it is up to me to protect myself from their abuse. I recently did an episode about how to cope with people like this, and I talked about how we can't always completely remove people from our life, but we can limit the amount of time we interact with them and how much of their behavior we will tolerate. Even if they are not going to apologize for their behaviors, you don't have to allow it to continue. If someone's behavior is causing you pain or unhappiness, make sure they know that is how you feel. You could say something like, please don't talk to me in that tone, or would you please use kinder words? Your words are making me uncomfortable. If they refuse to change their behavior or blame you for their actions to avoid accountability, then you need to decide how you want to proceed in that relationship. It's up to you how much of the abuse, inconsideration, or selfishness you are willing to accept from others, and how much of all of that you are going to allow in your life. I have understood and tolerated some people's limitations in relationships, but I have also removed people from my life who maliciously hurt me without any remorse. Many professionals believe forgiveness is something for you, not for the wrongdoer. It helps you let go of the pain from being hurt by them. But please understand that forgiveness does not mean you forget what happened. Forgiveness doesn't erase the memory of the event or pretend it never happened. You should still recognize and process the feelings you were caused by their actions. It also is not condoning or excusing their behavior. It does not justify the harmful behavior, nor does it mean that what the person did was acceptable. Again, you have every right to feel all emotions caused by their behavior and recognize that they are valid. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to be okay with what they did to you or make yourself ignore the pain they caused you. Forgiveness is also not reconciliation. You do not have to return to the same relationship or trust that person in the same way again. If your feelings have been changed toward that person and you want to distance yourself from them based on their behavior, then that's okay. It is actually a healthy border created in your mind to protect yourself from further harm. And forgiveness is not minimizing accountability. Forgiveness does not release the offender from the consequences or the right action of apologizing. If someone does something wrong to another, they should apologize and stop that behavior. This is a socially acceptable reaction, but not always given. You don't have to stop wanting an apology or wanting them to change their behavior. So what exactly is forgiveness? Many professionals say it is letting go of the anger, resentment, and vengeance caused by a wrongdoing. I say it is acknowledging and processing the feelings caused by someone else's behavior so that you can find peace and happiness without allowing the pain from their behaviors to overshadow that joy for yourself. It may mean that you step outside of the situation and figure out why they are treating you this way, so that you can see it's not you that is causing it, but their own issues being projected onto you. Personally, I do not forgive the abusive behavior of those from my past. But I also do not hold feelings of vengeance or malice towards them. I am still angry about what they put me through, but I am working to manage that anger so it does not control my feelings every day. I still have relationships with some people whose behaviors are harmful, unkind, or abusive, but I have learned to recognize the problems they have that cause those behaviors, and not allow them to blame me for their behaviors or to create thoughts for myself that their behaviors are a reflection on the type of person I am. Forgiveness is a gift that you decide to give or not give to yourself or to others, and something that you define for yourself. Just know that whatever you feel from someone's behaviors are valid and are yours to process in a way that brings you peace and happiness. And when you have a lot of feelings to process because of someone else's behaviors, understand it can be harder to find forgiveness. But holding on to all those feelings is not good for you and does not bring you the joy you deserve. I hope that this episode has helped you define your own meaning of forgiveness, that it helped you learn how or when to give it, and gave you some understanding that it's not always easy to give to everyone who has wronged us. Thank you for listening today, and I hope you will join me next week for another episode. Until then, I hope you have a wonderful week.