How to Have Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Hello everyone! Welcome back to the Breaking Our Borders Podcast. Have you ever done something you didn’t want to do, just to make someone else happy? Maybe you went to the movie your partner wanted to see but you didn’t, or you answered a friend’s call because you knew they were having problems, but you really didn’t have the time (or energy) to talk to them? Then after you do something you didn’t want to do you feel a little resentful that you didn’t stand up for yourself and do what you wanted? Boy, I sure have. That’s why today I’m going to talk about creating healthy boundaries without feeling guilty about having them. I will explain what boundaries are, why we need them, and how to build them without feeling bad or selfish for thinking about what is best for you. So, let’s get started talking about that right now. 

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Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Breaking Our Borders podcast. Have you ever done something you didn't want to do just to make someone else happy? Maybe you went to the movie your partner wanted to see, but you didn't. Or you answered a friend's call because you knew they were having problems, but you really didn't have the time or energy to talk to them. Then after you do something you didn't want to do, you feel a little resentful that you didn't stand up for yourself and do what you wanted. Boy, I sure have. And that's why today I'm talking about creating healthy boundaries without feeling guilty about having them. I will explain what boundaries are, why we need them, and how to build them without feeling bad or selfish for thinking about what is best for us. So let's get started talking about that right now. People could come and go all hours of the day, eating your food, using up your stuff, damaging your things, and leaving a mess. How long would you allow this to go on? My guess would be not for long. You would tell them to get out of your house, stop taking your stuff, and to stop damaging your things. You would protect your belongings. But so many of us allow people to do something similar to us on an emotional level every day. We allow others access to us all hours of the day. We allow them to use us emotionally to fulfill their needs, and we tolerate damage that is being done to our thoughts and feelings. Just as we would put a door on our house to keep people out when we don't want them there, we need to learn to have a boundary for our emotions so that they are also protected. Now you may be thinking, wait a minute, Dr. Border, you've been telling us to break down the borders in our minds. And now you want us to build up boundaries? Yes, but there is a difference between borders and boundaries. Borders are created to keep things in or out. Boundaries provide access when we decide we are willing to give it. The borders in your mind were likely built when you were a child, and they hold in unhealthy thoughts about ourselves that prevent us from being able to move forward towards a healthier life. Boundaries are like a gate in the border that we can use to allow the right people, thoughts, and beliefs in. A boundary is simply deciding what you will and will not allow in your own life. For people who experience childhood abuse, neglect, or emotional invalidation, their perspective of how love is given and received may be skewed. Their borders may be that love is earned by meeting others' needs, or if I say no, I will be punished or rejected, that their feelings really don't matter. And the only way to stay safe is to make everyone else happy. These borders are carried into adulthood, and behaviors of people pleasing, perfectionism, codependency, and hypervigilance develop and control their personality. They will work tirelessly to earn the love and acceptance that was not given to them as a child. But this is not how healthy love and acceptance happens. As we break down the borders in our minds that tell us this is how we get love and acceptance, we need to learn to change our behaviors of working so hard to earn it. One way to do this is to create boundaries for our actions so that we are not used and drained of our energy just for others' needs. It also allows us to focus on our needs, something that we typically don't focus on or take care of. When survivors of childhood trauma think about creating boundaries, they often are resistant because it feels like they are being selfish or hurtful to the other person. They have been trained during childhood to do what makes their parents happy, not what they want to do. So if they resist what someone else wants, then they may feel guilty. The guilt is coming from a coping mechanism of the past and is not a healthy behavior. The borders in your mind are trying to guide you to past survival skills you used as a child, but those are not needed now as an adult. Your guilt is not proof you're doing something wrong. It is an old reaction to past trauma, and it is okay to let go of this border. To some, boundaries may seem like a way to control others. It may seem like a way that is going to irritate the other person or hurt their feelings. This is why survivors are so hesitant to build healthy boundaries for themselves. But boundaries are not about the other person. They are about you allowing your feelings to be heard. Boundaries can help you make decisions without guilt. And the more you establish boundaries, the less guilt you will feel. In healthy relationships, someone is not going to get mad at you for saying no, for asking for something for yourself, or not being available all the time for them. They will understand and respect your boundaries. Some people fear that having boundaries will ruin relationships. They won't be liked, loved, or accepted by others if they create boundaries for themselves. But it isn't boundaries that hurts relationships. It is actually resentment that can cause problems. Resentment builds when one person in the relationship is always the giver and the other is always the taker. The giver can get burnt out from all they do in the relationship. They begin to feel like they are obligated to do all the giving and get tired of not getting anything in return. Boundaries help relationships because they prevent this resentment from building. If you are in a relationship where you are doing most or all of the giving, you need to create some boundaries so that you aren't taken advantage of, so you don't get burnout, and so that your needs are met as well. This is going to feel uncomfortable at first, because it is not something you're used to doing for yourself. But remember, boundaries are like a gate that you can open and close when you need to. You're not blocking anyone out, just limiting who and when they have access to you. It's not about hurting or controlling them. It is about them respecting and understanding your limits. People who have unhealthy relationship patterns want others to provide for all of their needs, to keep them happy, and to prevent what doesn't make them happy. They want access to you and your behaviors all the time. They want you to take care of the hard stuff, the emotional regulation and responsibility, so they don't have to. So understand that those who need, use, and control your actions probably aren't going to be happy with your boundaries at first. But this is not your problem. You have to take care of yourself as much as you take care of others. It is not your responsibility to rescue everyone from uncomfortable emotions like anger, disappointment, or sadness. As adults, they need to learn to handle those emotions for themselves. They may have unhealthy issues or behaviors that have caused them to need someone else to manage their feelings, and they have learned to depend on someone else for feeling okay. But again, that is not your responsibility. When you stop providing that for them, they may react in ways to try to get you to continue the behavior they want. They may try to guilt you into performing for them, blame you for being ungrateful for all they've done for you, which probably isn't close to as much as you've done for them, or act sad so that you will feel sorry for them and restore your behavior. However, a healthy person will understand and respect your boundaries. They may not like the boundary at the time, but will still love and accept you. Here's an example of a situation that may test your boundaries. A friend asks you to go out after work on a Friday night. You know they just suffered a breakup, so you want to be there for them. But you are wiped out from the work week and really just want to go home and go to bed early. Your past border of I have to make everyone happy or they won't like me will probably surface. You may go just to make your friend happy and support them. Or you could say, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say no today. I'm wiped out from work and wouldn't be good company tonight. How about if we do it another time? This explanation shows your friend you're not just blowing them off and that you do want to spend time with them, just not today. If the friendship is healthy, your friend should understand and make a suggestion of when you could go out another time. If it isn't healthy, then the friend may act angry or sad and say things to try to persuade you to do what they want. They might say, But I really need you today. You know how upset I have been over this breakup. Or, oh really? After all the times I was there for you, you can't be there for me this time. Prepare yourself for these types of reactions with a response that demonstrates your concerns for them, but also supports your boundary of not going. You could say something like, I know how upset you have been, and I want to help you with that, but I just can't today. I hope you can understand that I need some rest right now so I can be there for you later. You shouldn't have to say things like this, but perhaps it will remind your friend that you have needs too, and they should respect that. If they don't, stand your ground with your boundary and reflect on the kind of relationship this is. You deserve to have healthy relationships where your feelings and needs are respected. Now let's talk about the types of boundaries that you could create. You may need to have physical boundaries, like not wanting others real close to you or participating in physical touch. Some people are huggers, others are not, and that's okay. Affection can be shown in other ways than just physical touch. Sometimes you may just need to be alone for self-care. This is all totally reasonable to ask for. Emotional boundaries mean you are not allowing yourself to absorb other people's emotions. This doesn't mean you don't care about what they're going through, but you don't allow their mood to affect yours. It also means that you do not take responsibility for fixing other people's problems or for making them happy all the time. We are all responsible for our own problems and happiness. It is unfair and selfish to expect someone else to provide that for you. Again, this doesn't mean we don't care about what's going on with others, or that we can't help them figure out how to make things better. But we also need to be aware of our own feelings and needs and address those as well. We may need to place boundaries on our time, finances, and digital usage. Survivors of childhood abuse often want to do all they can to keep people around them happy. To do that, they are willing to give more time and money to others than they really have to give. They may spend a lot of their time answering digital messages or posts because they worry that they will hurt someone's feelings if they don't respond right away. It's okay to give to others, but just make sure it isn't happening more than what you are giving yourself. The last type of boundaries is mental. We can protect our thoughts by not allowing someone else to force their opinions on us or to treat us in an aggressive or disrespecting way. Those who want us to act in a way that meets their needs are not going to respect our thoughts, opinions, or treat us with respect when we present a different opinion. Establishing these types of boundaries are difficult for a lot of trauma survivors because they were trained from a very early age to be submissive and do whatever the other person wanted them to do. But when creating your boundaries, ask yourself, am I really hurting the other person by asking to be treated this way? And is their sadness, disappointment, or hurt my responsibility? Remember, if they truly care about you, they will respect your boundaries and not throw a fit because things are not going their way. It is very likely that someone who is using you to fulfill their needs will not be happy with your boundaries because it cuts off the unlimited access they had to you. But again, it is not your responsibility to care for others' needs to the point of ignoring your own. In healthy relationships, both people provide for each other's needs. Boundaries do not create unhealthy relationships, but they sure can reveal which relationships are unhealthy with the reactions to your boundaries. So what do boundaries look like? It can be as simple as saying, no thank you, when asked to do something you don't want to do. It can be as hard as telling someone that you are not going to continue talking to them if they're going to keep yelling and calling you names. I did this once with my ex-husband when we were in the midst of our divorce. He was yelling at me on the phone, criticizing me and calling me names. I told him that I was not going to continue to talk to him if he didn't stop acting that way. He continued, so I hung up on him. It felt so good to not continue taking his disrespect. And I felt more confident in myself because I knew I did not deserve to be treated that way. When you create a boundary, don't feel like you have to over-explain why you are making that boundary. When a friend asks you to go see a movie that you don't want to see, just say no thanks. Maybe wait and go see a different movie together another time. You don't have to say, I really like hanging out with you and I like going to the movies with you, but I don't want to see that movie. Is that okay? You won't be mad at me, will you? If you give the person an opening to manipulate you to feel sorry for them, because now they know you are worried about them being mad at you, then they may come back with, yes, I will be mad because I don't have anyone else to go with. And now you're stuck in the past behaviors of not doing what you want to do so that other people are happy. And then you're not. Stand your ground, do what you want and need, and get the respect you deserve. For many of us, our biggest border wasn't built around us, it was built inside us. It convinced us that our worth depended on making everyone else comfortable, even at our own expense. Every healthy boundary you set removes one more brick from that mental border. You don't become less loving when you set boundaries. You become more honest. And healthy relationships don't require you to abandon yourself to keep someone else. I will post a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, that you can use to look at past experiences where you should have created a boundary. This will help you see what boundaries you want to have, when you could have used them, and to think about future experiences that may come up, like the ones in the past, so you can prepare yourself for creating those boundaries from now on. I hope that you can find at least one boundary that you need to work on and can use it this week. I also hope you will join me here again next week as I continue talking about the borders we have in our minds and how we can break those down to build happier ones. Until then, I hope you have a wonderful week. Thanks for listening.