When It’s Time to Let a Friendship Go

In this episode of The Fuck It Shift, Adam Ross explores what happens when the friendships that once felt permanent no longer fit the person you’re becoming.

Adam talks about why growth often requires letting go—not with anger or resentment, but with gratitude for the role someone played during a particular season of your life.

He also breaks down the discomfort that comes when a friend begins pulling away. It can be easy to assume they think they’re better than you, no longer care or have replaced you, when they may simply be entering a different chapter.

This episode is about recognizing when we’re holding onto a friendship because it is still meaningful—and when we’re holding on because the familiarity feels safer than change.

Adam also discusses the way people quietly manufacture distance by cancelling plans, ignoring messages or slowly disappearing instead of having the difficult conversation they’ve been avoiding.

As life becomes fuller, time becomes more valuable. Careers, families, health and personal growth all compete for a limited number of hours—and eventually, you have to become more intentional about where those hours go.

Because not everyone is meant to stay for every season.

Sometimes letting a friendship go doesn’t erase what it meant.

It simply creates space for both people to keep growing.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Fuck It Shift Podcast. I'm Adam Ross, and I'm joined by Jay, the producer, who always starts it off with a question.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Adam, something that uh myself and my friends, some friends are going through right now is the idea that as you get older, lives change, but your friend circle seems to change as well. And there's part of you that wants to hold on to it because that's what you know. And there's part of you that thinks, like, maybe I should be letting that go to grow. What's your advice or opinion on that idea?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Well, when we we stick with the theme of what we're doing here, and you're going through something, and it's a big change, then we'll we'll answer it from that perspective because the the listeners that do catch this podcast are are going through something and looking for that helping hand to get them out of the hole. And and part of fuck it shift and part of that that change, you're completely becoming a different person or making decisions to become a different person is a lot about letting go. So when we talk about friend circles and we talk about change, we can go back to the old adage, right? That the friend circle from life that you're leaving behind are probably not going to work out anyway because they're not going to want to see you grow. They're not going to see you, want to see you succeed. And when you do leave and break away, they're going to think that you think you're something special and they're going to be resentful for the new you. And you listening or going back to that is is kind of being sucked back down into that hole. So, first of all, fuck that. Goodbye to those people. They could be people that you're really close with, father, you know, uh, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, if you if your marriage has fallen apart, or business partners from school, or, you know, a startup company you've had, and you've you gotta, you've gotta say, learn to say goodbye. And I wouldn't say goodbye in sadness, I would say that you'd be say goodbye in gratefulness that they served a time in your life. Nobody, very few anyway, are in your life for the long haul or for every season. And the sooner you come to terms with some people are there as vehicles that were there to help you get from point A to point B or to show you that where you were going, there were guides to show you where you were heading in this particular environment or circle wasn't the right path. And you've been able to break away, that's where you look back and be grateful. And you realize that they served a certain season in your life. And the more you can kind of break down friendships as seasons or moments in life, it's a lot easier to let them go. We don't all wear winter clothes in the summer. We eventually let go that there's no need for a snowsuit. It's warm, it's a new season. It's the same way you need to treat some of the relationships in your life. You know who those people are. No one needs to help you with it. You know who they are. When you're talking about life changes. So the person's good for you in your life, but they have a different path. They're having children and you're not. Um, they've got a different job with a whole new set of friends and a whole new set of responsibilities, and you see them pulling away from your friend group or circle group, and and you might feel resentful. The same message applies. You should be grateful that they were in your life for that moment of time and not resentful. You should be a, if you're a true friend, you should be a cheerleader for them and champion their next stage in life or their next, their next uh growth, their growth, their next season of change. Because maybe they'll bring you along with them. Maybe you won't be forgotten.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

So you're saying in order to grow, one of the biggest things we need to learn how to do is to let go.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Yes. Uh you don't look back in anger. Shout out to Oasis. You want to look back and be grateful, but release your fear of letting go. So you're holding on out of, and we've talked about this several podcasts in a row. Are you letting you're fearful of letting go out of comfort? You're comfortable with that person in your life. You're comfortable that season, that stage. You actually like and have come accustomed to the structure, the repetitiveness, the reliability of the comfortableness of that situation, of that friendship. So you're reluctant to let go. And maybe that's one person pulling out of your friend circle versus you pulling out. So the remaining people in that circle, what do they naturally do? Ah, you know, Tom's too good for us. He's uh barely around. He never comes, he skips everything. He says he's gonna show up, he never does. He's always busy, he's got a whole new set of friends. He doesn't even give a shit about us anymore. And we start kind of creating resentment for their new season because we're afraid to let go because we're comfortable of the way things were. You see it a lot when you're a little, like when you have little kids, you see the they're my best friend. And next school year, in a new class, someone else is their new best best friend. And when they talk about and had this conversation recently with a friend that's left, was in a different class and now has a new set of friends, the hurt that that child, my child, was experiencing or expressing to us. And I had that same conversation with them that that grade is a moment in time and a season in your life, and you were separated by class for you to grow and make new friends, and you did. And they grew and made new friends. So you should be happy for each other because next year you might come back together again in the class, and you don't have to get into with a child that you like the comfortabless of grade four or grade six and being in this classroom every day and being friends to now being separated and nodding on the playground, but not playing like you were before. And it starts, those circles and groups start to get to form socially more in high school, then in university, there's this big divide because people go away to different schools and make a whole new set of friends. Work friends come in and out of your life. How often do you really have, especially with today's technology and rapid changes, do you have two people who've been friends since grade one? It's rare. It's rare. But when you have a core group of friends and you're so fixated on keeping it together, it's actually a you problem. You're not grateful for them in your life now and what purpose they served, and you're resentful for their growing rather than being grateful for them because you're comfortable and you don't like discomfort.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

I know what some people are might be thinking listening to this is um the discomfort being not wanting to hurt somebody's feelings leaving their life. Now, two ways, two things. Is this where kindness or empathy can kind of hurt oneself by not wanting to do that? Or is that just not being kind to yourself, knowing you need to move to do that to move on?

SPEAKER_00 8:16

Are you talking from the friend that's leaving the group?

SPEAKER_01 8:19

So you're you're saying to this friend, I'm done. You're not bringing anything to my life, you're bringing it down. But the discomfort of I want to say that, but I'm just too nervous, I'm going to hurt their feelings. Right. And that's where kindness kind of is not a positive thing in our own lives. Or should we just be kind to ourselves and saying, this is for the best, even if that person gets hurt?

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Well, what do we tend to do, right? In this technology age is we tend to either text it or we we choose to ghost it and just not be available. We don't answer the text. We take two or three days to answer it rather than what we used to do, is be like, yeah, buddy, I'll be there tonight. And you kind of create, you manufacture the separation by lack of communication. That's hurtful, but it feels like that's the easiest, the path of least resistance to text, hey, sorry, man, I said I was gonna be there, but I can't, won't make it. You stop answering phone calls, you start being available for that person, and you create an actual divide, which ends up being resentment, and then no, the friendship ends in a burst of flames. But you do that because it's the easiest way to handle it, because you're right. You're not, you're more than likely not programmed or willing to have the conversation where you tell that person you're outgrowing them, you're not going to be part of their friend circle anymore, and you have a whole new life. And it doesn't feel kind to do that. And it feels it feels kinder to just create artificial distance. I wish I could tell you that I have a strong opinion or a way to actually be empathetic and have those tough conversations. You'd feel better yourself if you had the ability to call your friend and say, I know I keep missing you, and I know I keep ducking out on things. Life's really busy right now, my job is taking me in a different direction. And for now, I don't want to let you guys down anymore. So I'm not saying I'm not your friend, but right now you gotta, if you could exclude me from a lot of the outings and stuff until I get my life situated over here, and then I'll bounce I'll swing around if things calm down. That'd be an okay way of handling it. But you probably wouldn't do it. Because you wouldn't like the discomfort that comes out of that conversation about you letting them down.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Do you have any life experiences of having to let go? And if you did let go, how your life changed positively after it?

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Yes, lots. I think we all do, right? It's um during my years of change and becoming a different person, a lot of new friendships were made that didn't last because I was moving rapidly through. And a lot of a lot of people didn't want to see me win. So it was really easy to just I didn't even have to cut that cord. They they cut me loose because I was the loser. It didn't work out, you failed. So it was really easy to cut me loose. I was just very careful about ever being reconnected. You cut me once, we're done.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Can I ask a personal question? Of course. As somebody who is a very successful entrepreneur, business owner, what does friendship look like in your life these days compared to other days?

SPEAKER_00 12:00

You want the honest answer? Friendship for me doesn't exist. If it does, it's on a very, very, very small scale. I consider you a friend, something I would do something for without question. And someone who shares real conversation with me and can tell me the truth. But I know that that list is extremely small because the more you grow, the smaller your friend circle would get. Because you have a tough time being able to gauge which is true friendship, which is what is admiration, and what is what someone's trying to obtain from you.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

And further to give to give more context, I think I was also trying to gauge someone in your position. I'm guessing nights out with the boys at the bar don't really exist anymore, or very few, versus like maybe they did in your 20s or 30s, or people who aren't in a business-owning position. Do you miss that?

SPEAKER_00 13:21

No, because my life is extremely full. I have I'm very lucky, I have a very large family, a beautiful wife, I have lots of things to keep me occupied, and I put my time on a very measured, very valuable commodity. I have my businesses that demand a lot from me. I have my family that I want to give a lot to. There's no, there is very little room left over.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

And if it is, it goes to me. So there's a reason why I'm asking this, and I'm gonna ask one more question first is do you think it's possible to be somebody in your position and also go out three out of four Saturdays a night with the boys to the bar? Do you think it's possible to do both?

SPEAKER_00 14:19

Yes, but and if you say in my position, then you're then you're putting a large family, large company, large staff who I love. You have if you're talking in that respect, there is no room left unless I'm willing to give up my time. I'm gonna give up my gym time, my health time, my mental health time for what? An evening, three evenings out, not with my family, not putting my kids to bed, drinking, feeling like shit the next day. Like these are just non-negotiables for me. I don't drink alcohol. Nothing good comes from it. I don't feel good for starters. These people that work for me know like it's once in a lifetime, one in a year event if I touch alcohol. And it's not that I'm mightier than anybody. It's just my discipline, my standards are I just don't touch that shit. I want to be able to give everything I have left at my age in the gym. I want to be able to take care of my nutrition and my health so that I'm there for my family. Being out late at night with friends, quote unquote, and at the bar, I'd rather spend that time with my wife. I don't get to spend that much time with them either. So I would never I don't trade that.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Yeah, the reason I ask is um I'm sure there's a lot of people who say, I would love to be in his shoes. I would love to be in so-and-so's shoes, and you know, you name the person and kind of want them to realize, okay, but are you willing to give up all of these things to have those same shoes? Because I'll say from my perspective, there's nothing more fun than going out with my friends and getting drunk growing up in my 20s, and that was that that was fun.

unknown 16:15

Right?

SPEAKER_01 16:15

I'm not gonna lie, the next day sucked, it brought me down, but was it worth it? Right? And and hearing from you the things you have to give up to get there, it doesn't surprise me. And I'm hoping other people who say, like I said, I want to be in Adam's shoes, okay, are you willing to give up those Saturday nights getting drunk with your friends? Because that's what you have to do.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

You learn the the more success successful you become, and the older you become, you realize that time is the only thing you cannot buy enough of, no matter how much money you make. Let that sink in. If time was for you was represented in twelve pebbles or twelve rocks on a table, and you had to divide them up between which was most critical, what was the most beneficial, and what was needed for yourself, you would look at things a lot differently. If you were told you only got 12 rocks a day to spend. You wouldn't waste them. If an hour on social media was a rock, you probably would find that you wouldn't be worth being left over. If a night out was three rocks, you would choose how you spend those rocks a lot differently. If I leave you with anything, remember as you're rebuilding, time is the only thing at the end you're gonna want more of. Till next time. See you on the other side.