You Don't Need to Find Yourself Again After Motherhood

Have you ever been asked, "What do you do for fun?" and realized you don't really know the answer anymore?

Motherhood has a way of slowly shifting our identity. Not all at once, but little by little. We become the default parent, the scheduler, the snack maker, the chauffeur, the one holding everything together. And somewhere along the way, it's easy to lose touch with the woman underneath all the roles.

In this episode, I'm sharing the realization that changed everything for me:

I wasn't meant to find myself again after motherhood. I was meant to create a new version of myself.

We'll talk about why so many moms feel lost, why weight loss is often about so much more than the scale, how I started exploring new hobbies and interests, and why giving yourself permission to be a beginner might be one of the most powerful things you can do.

If you've ever felt like you've disappeared into motherhood, this episode is for you. 

In this episode we'll talk about:

✨ The subtle ways moms lose touch with themselves

✨ Why "finding yourself again" is the wrong goal

✨ How weight loss became about more than just weight loss for me

✨ Why I started trying a new hobby every month

✨ The importance of being bad at something

✨ How to reconnect with yourself without abandoning your family

✨ One challenge to help you start creating the next version of you

Because the goal was never to go back to who you were before kids.

The goal is to build a version of yourself that honors the woman you've become.

One that includes motherhood.

Not one that's limited by it.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, I'm Kelsey, and welcome to the Mama Wellness Hour, a place for moms who want to lose weight, but don't want to lose themselves, their sanity, or their life in the process. This is a space for real mom life: the highs, the lows, and the messy middle. No pressure, no perfection, just simple tools, real support, and the reminder that you are not alone in this. If you're ready to start moving forward at your pace, on your terms, I'm right here with you. Let's get into it. Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Mama Wellness Hour. I cannot believe that we are already towards the end of June already. I feel like the summer is flying by, and it's been a summer full of so many fun activities. The kids and I are crossing things off our summer bucket list that we created. We're spending so much time at the pool, outside with friends, with family. And it's been a summer that has really already healed me in so many different ways. And I really didn't realize how much I needed this summer, how much I needed these weeks of fun activities, slowing down, spending more time with the kids, and really just focusing on things that fill my cup, that light me up, that bring me joy. And it's really got me thinking about the work that I've done in this area over the past few years. Because yes, I've lost weight, yes, I've changed my body composition, yes, I've gotten healthier. But I really think for me, this weight loss journey as a whole goes so much deeper than that because it's really been about finding myself again. And I know that might sound so cliche, but I think that's something that we as moms all struggle with. We reach a point in motherhood, whether it's freshly postpartum, during pregnancy, year later, two years later, where you kind of realize that you've lost yourself. It doesn't necessarily happen overnight. You don't just wake up one day and are like, I don't know who I am anymore. It really happens little by little. You stop doing things you enjoy, you stop trying new things. And for me, it really felt like I was living this groundhog day, so to speak, where I was just going through the motions of my day. I became solely Braden's mom, solely Raylan's mom. And while that is a role that I cherish so deeply and I am so grateful for, it really got to a point where my life, my conversations, my thoughts, anything that was going on in my day revolved around their schedules, snacks, appointments, work, laundry, and keeping everyone alive. And at some point, you kind of realize that you're just stuck in that groundhog day over and over and over again. And you kind of have this moment, or at least I did, where you're like, who am I even more? Like, what do I like to do for fun? And I genuinely did not know. And it was kind of my wake-up call, so to speak, that like punch in the gut where I just felt like I had lost myself to this beautiful, crazy, chaotic, busy life that I was living. And I think for the longest time, I really tried to focus on finding myself again. And I know you can't see me right now, but I put big air quotes around finding yourself again because I don't think we actually are meant to find ourselves again after having babies. That version of you before kids isn't sitting somewhere waiting to be rediscovered because you've changed, your life has changed, your priorities have changed. And I realized that I couldn't become who I once was. I couldn't find that version of myself again because she no longer existed. I had to create this new version of myself, this new woman who is living a beautiful, chaotic, crazy, stressful, unpredictable life. And how I could start figuring out who I am now inside of it. Over the past couple of years, I have really been trying to do that. And I say trying because it's easier said than done when your time is limited, your energy is limited, and the thoughts of finding new friends, trying new hobbies, doing new things can be mentally exhausting. And you're like, I don't even know where to start. Putting yourself out there is scary. And I don't know what it is about friendships, but making friends as an adult is so hard and comes with so much more anxiety than I think I've ever faced as a teenager in middle school, as a young adult. Like, I don't know what it is. Maybe that's just me, but making friends as an adult is hard and it comes with a lot of self-doubt sometimes, a lot of anxiety of like, am I doing this right? Are they gonna think I'm weird? Again, maybe that's just me. I don't know. But over the past few years, I've really been pushing myself to do that because I knew that in doing that, I was going to start to figure out who I am now in this life. Outside of being a mom, outside of being a wife, outside of being a coach, I needed to really reconnect with the version of myself that's just Kelsey, that's just this 33-year-old woman trying to figure out life and what she likes to do, who she is, how she wants to show up in this world. And it has been a hard process. It's been trying at times, it's been uncomfortable at times, but it's really been a process that I know I needed to go through to get me to the point where in life right now, I have so many beautiful friendships, I have so many hobbies, I have fun again, and I really don't feel like I'm living that groundhog day anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, sometimes I do, sometimes life is challenging and it's crazy and stressful. And there are some days I want to rip my hair out. But I feel like in the mix of all of that, because I have figured out who I am now, I'm able to show up to those seasons a lot more fully, a lot more open-hearted, a lot more like myself. And so it makes it a little easier to navigate those harder, stressful, difficult seasons. And one of the biggest ways that I have really started to figure out who I am again in this season of life is trying new hobbies. And I know you might be sitting there thinking, okay, McKelsey, I don't have the time for that. I don't have the energy for that. I don't even know what I like to do. And girl, trust me. That was me too. And I'm like, what in the world do I like to do? Because I feel like there is nothing that I can say, oh yeah, I do X, Y, and Z for fun. And so I really put myself out there. This probably goes against all of what the true crime documentaries say, but I actually found a group of women in a Facebook group who were getting together to play pickleball. I think this was two to three years ago now. And I decided to just go. My husband had been trying to get me to play pickleball forever since he started. I think it was about a year before that. And I just kept telling him no because to be honest, I was scared. I didn't want to learn anything new. I was afraid I was gonna be bad at it. It was uncomfortable, it was just scary. Those voices in my head kept telling me that I didn't have time for that. I didn't have energy for that. And so I kept pushing it off and off and off. And something about that Facebook post that I saw in that group led me to say yes. And I met up with the group of girls. We played pickleball. I had so much fun, and I've been playing pickleball on and off since then. It's not a hobby where I'm doing it every day or even consistently once a week, but it's something that I enjoy, and it really helped me to kick off this process of figuring out who I am again because a big part of my story growing up was sports. I played any and every sport imaginable basketball, soccer, volleyball, softball, all of the things. And being competitive, being on a team, being active in those ways was really a big part of my life that just abruptly ended my freshman year of college. So getting back into activity that way by playing pickleball really helped me to tap into that version of myself who loves sports, who loves being competitive, who loves being on a team and having fun in that way. And now, like I said, I didn't automatically commit to playing pickleball every day or even every week. It took me a while to get in that rhythm and to really let myself have fun, let myself have hobbies, let myself take time for me without feeling guilty about it. And I know that might sound weird, but I think as moms, we do hold on to that guilt and we feel bad sometimes about going to do things for ourselves or taking time for hobbies or trying new things when we could be doing X, Y, and Z with our kids and for our kids. And so that was a big mindset and emotional battle that I had to work through. And to be honest, I really worked through it by just forcing myself to keep trying, to keep going, to keep putting myself out there and making time for these things. And that has been a big part of my weight loss journey this year specifically. Because if you follow me on Instagram, you probably know this. But back in January, I set a goal to try something new every month, to try a different hobby, to put myself out there and just really find something that I loved, something that I can do consistently, whether it was going out of the house, doing something at home. I just wanted to have hobbies and find things that I enjoy to keep building this version of myself. It's been such a fun and eye-opening process, and it's really allowed me to try things that I never in a million years thought that I would do. I've gotten a little little bad about continuing to share it on Instagram because at this point I feel like it's just become such a part of my life that I just do these things now. But I do need to get back to sharing the things that I'm trying new every month because I know it might give you some ideas of what you could try as well. But in January, I did a candle making kit. In February, I learned to crochet, which actually took February and March because I didn't realize how long of a process and how much learning goes into crocheting, even if it's just a tiny little ghost. But I love my little ghost. He sits in my living room above the fireplace on the mantle, and he has been up there since I completed him in March, and he will probably stay up there all year long. In April, I started diamond art and became quickly obsessed with it because, unlike the crochet, it was something that I could complete in 30 minutes or so. And that quick sense of satisfaction completing the thing was Chef's Kiss. We have about 20 coasters now that I have done because I went on a coaster making spree. I love diamond art so much. In May, I actually will say I didn't try any new hobbies, but I committed to being more consistent with things that I knew that I already loved. So, like I said earlier in this episode, a big part of my story growing up was sports. And so in May, I joined a sand volleyball league. Every Sunday, I go and play sand volleyball, doubleheaders. I have so much fun. And volleyball is the sport that I played the most growing up. I started, I think, in third grade, maybe, and played all the way through the end of my freshman year of college. I've coached volleyball and I miss it so much. So joining a sand volleyball team with a girl who I actually played high school volleyball with has just been so much fun. And it's really, again, helped me to connect to that version of myself. And I also really committed to starting to play pickleball more frequently. If you follow me on Instagram, you see my pickleball Friday stories, you see my sand volleyball Sunday stories. And I know this sounds weird and cheesy, maybe, but it just healed such a huge part of me. It's given that younger version of myself, that Kelsey, who is still in there, who loves sports like this, it's helped her come out and shine. And I really feel like it's helped me shine in all areas of my life as well. She is getting her moment and it's helping me to just feel more and more like myself. Here we are in June, and I actually am taking this trying a new hobby every month thing and turning it into a hobby club. Yes, you heard that right, because you know, I don't have enough on my plate as is, but I decided to start a hobby club with moms, with women in my area for us to go and try new hobbies every month together because I fully, fully, fully believe that we all need community. We all thrive in community. And our first hobby club is actually tomorrow evening. We're going to a ceramics class, and I am so excited. I technically already did a little bit of ceramics when I made the candle back in January, but this is a new experience for me. I've never been to a ceramics class. We are going to be handmaking, I don't know what, but I am very excited about it. And I'm just, I have so many ideas in my brain for future hobby club meetups and all the things like baking, cake making and decorating, brief making. I could go on and on. I just am so excited about this because I do think as moms, like we've been talking about in this episode, we need this to help find ourselves again, to figure out who we are, to figure out what we like to do, what we want to do for fun, who we are beneath being a mom. Because I fully believe with my whole heart that we are allowed to exist outside of motherhood. You can love your kids deeply, you can be an incredible mom. You can put your family first most of the time, and also still have parts of you that belong only to you. Not because you're selfish, but because you are a person outside of all of the roles, outside of all of the things you carry on a daily basis, outside of all of the hats that you wear. One of the things that I say all of the time is it's rarely me first. Because I, as a mom myself, I don't believe in that message that moms need to come first. Because quite frankly, there are days where I am dead last on my list. But I do believe as moms that we deserve to be on that list too. And sometimes it looks like going to play sand volleyball for a couple hours every Sunday. And sometimes it looks like a workout at the gym. And other times it might simply look like reading or doing a puzzle in bed after your kids are in bed. But whatever it is, I fully believe that we deserve to be on our list too. We deserve to have things that are just ours. We deserve to have fun experiences that make us fully ourselves, that help us tap into those versions of ourselves that we might not have seen in a while. We deserve to have experiences and create memories just like we do for our kids. And when we do so, we also lose a lot of the mental and emotional weight that we are carrying. I know for me personally, when I started my weight loss journey after having Raylan, yes, I was carrying extra physical weight, but it wasn't just about the scale. I was carrying a lot of this mental and emotional weight where I didn't feel like myself anymore. I didn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I didn't feel confident. And I really felt disconnected from the woman underneath the mom role. Like I said, I felt like I was living that groundhog day over and over and over again, where I just didn't know who I was anymore. And it was really impacting how I showed up in my life, how I felt about my life, who I was as a person. And I know for me, that weight that I was carrying became a physical representation of feeling lost, of not feeling like myself, of feeling stuck inside this cycle that I just didn't know how to get out of. And looking back, I don't even want to know what could have happened if I just said no to that Facebook post. If I just kept telling myself that I didn't deserve that, or I didn't have time for that, or I didn't have energy for that. Because I truly believe that saying yes to that Facebook post, it changed the direction of my life. It changed the direction of my weight loss. It changed the direction of who I am in this chair talking to you today. And that's a big reason why I started this hobby club. And it's a big reason why I wanted to talk with you about this today because I think every mom deserves to feel that. Every mom deserves to create herself again, figure out who you are in this season of life. And so I want to just give you a couple questions to think over in the next few days, write down, chat about with your friends, with your husband, with whoever that you need to, and really start figuring out who you are and what you love to do and what you love to do for fun. So, number one, what did you love before kids? Like I said, a big one for me was playing sports. And so that's something that was easy for me to connect back into. Yes, I was nervous. Yes, I was scared. I was going to suck at volleyball. Yes, I was afraid to show up on the pickleball court when I was still learning the game. But give yourself permission to be bad at things because hobbies sometimes require you to suck at something, to be awkward, to be a beginner, to be uncomfortable. That's exactly why it's valuable. It's helping you to find yourself again, to connect to yourself again. And sometimes the process of getting there is awkward, is uncomfortable, is scary, but I promise you it's worth it. So, what did you love to do before kids? What have you always wanted to try? One of the things on my list is actually rollerblading. There is a lady in my neighborhood. I wish I knew her name. Maybe I just need to suck it up one day and get over my social anxiety and go out there and ask her. But we have this lube behind our house, and every afternoon she's out there jamming out, riding on her rollerblades, and it just looks so fun. And so that's something that I want to try that I don't know. I've probably rollerbladed before when I was like six or seven or eight, but it's been a hot minute, and so I know it's gonna be something that I'm going to really suck at at first, but that's on my goal list of things to try this year. The next question I want you to think about is what sounds fun, but you've convinced yourself is silly. And the last one is what is one simple hobby, piece of joy, piece of fun that you can do this month? Again, it doesn't have to be going out and trying something brand new. It doesn't have to be going to take some new class. It doesn't have to be this big grand thing. It could simply look like ordering the diamond art kit off Amazon and sitting in your living room and trying it out for 30 minutes. It really can be that simple. But I promise you, when you take that first step, you start to feel immediately how good it feels to just do something for you. And then it gets easier to take that next step and the next one and the next one. And soon you have a list of hobbies that you can turn to when you're needing that fun and enjoyment. But I just challenge you to try one thing this month. It will help you start to reconnect with a piece of yourself that you've been missing. I'm gonna end this episode with this. I spent years trying to find myself again. And what I eventually realized was that I wasn't meant to find that old version of me. I was meant to create a new one. And in doing so, I have stepped fully into a version of myself that I quite honestly didn't know existed, that has the confidence I've never had before, even as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult, who has these hobbies, these likes, these enjoyments outside of all of the hats and the roles and the other priorities that I care for and that I do on a daily basis, who has this light for life that was dimmed for so long through postpartum and feeling, to be honest, like I would never come back from it. I am almost getting teary-eyed just thinking about it and just how impactful doing this has been for my life, not just for me, but for how I show up as a wife, how I show up for my kids and really my relationships, my friendships. It's helped me to have the confidence to put myself out there and make new friends. And yes, it's scary. Trust me, it's scary. I I won't go into too much detail, but I had a situation recently where I needed to put myself out there to make a connection and a friendship. And I had anxiety about it for probably I think it was like a week and a half, two weeks. So I've been doing this for years now, and I still get those uncomfortable feelings, those awkward feelings, but doing so is so worth it. And I have made friends in my 30s who have become my best friends. And I really fully believe it's because I put myself in those uncomfortable situations of finding hobbies, of finding who I am again, to have the confidence and the excitement and the energy and the desire to create these new lasting friendships as an adult. I know this episode was a little different than my normal weight loss content, but I really just encourage you, mom to mom, to try this, to give yourself just 30 minutes this week to try something new, to do something that you love to do before kids, to even send a text or message that mom that you know from school to set up a play date. You never know what is waiting for you on the other side of that yes, on the other side of that step, on the other side of putting yourself out there. So I hope this episode was helpful for you today. As always, if you enjoyed it, I would absolutely love if you shared it with the moms in your corner on social media, on Instagram, on Facebook, so I can continue to get the mama wellness hour out to all of the moms out there who are wanting to lose weight without losing themselves in the process. I will chat with you in the next episode. Bye.