EP 21 Emotional Conditioning in Narcissistic Relationships

In this episode of Wildly Her, I'm talking about emotional conditioning. The subtle, often invisible patterns that slowly teach you to shrink, second-guess yourself, and keep the peace at your own expense.

When you’ve been in a narcissistic or emotionally manipulative relationship, the damage isn’t always loud or obvious. It’s layered. It’s quiet. And over time, it changes how you see yourself. Emotional conditioning doesn’t happen overnight and it rarely looks like control at first.

If you’ve ever felt confused, small, or like you lost your voice without knowing exactly how it happened, this episode will help you put language to what you experienced and begin finding your way back to you.

TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE AND TRAUMA

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Transcript

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Welcome to Wildly Heard, a podcast about rising from psychological and emotional abuse and stepping into purpose, authenticity, and true identity. Each episode unpacks the journey of healing, from learning to recognize the scars of abuse to reclaiming your voice and embracing the truth of your identity. We'll explore what it means to walk free from fear and self-doubt and how to rebuild a life that is rooted in confidence, joy, and wholehearted living. This is what it means to be Wildly Her. Welcome to Wildly Her. I'm your host, Pamela Moore, and today I want to start with a question. I want to ask you: have you ever walked away from a conversation or an interaction with someone and you feel very small, um, maybe confused, quite honestly, maybe even a little bit crazy, but you can't really explain why. It's like that thing where nothing obvious happens. There's no fight, no yelling, no one thing that you can say, this was weird, but somehow you still kind of felt like you lost yourself in the moment. That's what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the behaviors that are in the psychological and emotional abuse that are in these relationships that we have with narcissists. Because what I have found is one of the hardest parts about narcissistic behavior is that it's not always loud and it's not always obvious. But there is this subtle conditioning that happens to us over time. It's very calculated, it's very patterned, and even after we figure out we've been manipulated, we still don't even know what happened. It's so confusing. And they're very calculated tactics against us, but it's the slow conditioning that happens. And so if you've ever felt like, why didn't I see that? Why didn't I understand what really just happened? I just want you to know first and foremost that it's not because you were weak. Um, it's because you were being manipulated. And it happens to it, it would happen to anybody. It's not that you weren't strong enough to overcome, it's that we don't even realize what's happening. And we have no reason to assume that someone would be manipulating us. And it is, again, so subtle that we don't even realize what's happening sometimes until it's too late. And we're already conditioned in a way to behave in certain ways around them. So I want to go through these a little bit just to bring some awareness, just to kind of help you name it, help you see what's happening, to help clear some of the confusion and the fog that kind of settles over us when we're in these relationships, when we're underneath this type of abuse, because it is that thing that we're being gaslit and manipulated so much that we start to feel like we're in a constant fog. And so I want to want to just kind of clear some of that up, hopefully, today. So I want to go through some of these that are like the little subtle things that they do. So one thing is this ruining of holidays or special moments in our life. Um, I've experienced this many times in my past, but it's also something that I've heard from so many other women, and even in other conversations and groups that I've been in with other narcissistic survivors. And so I think this one's pretty common that you'll hear about. But again, the way that it kind of creeps up is super subtle. So it's that somehow we start to feel like, you know, birthdays and holidays or any kind of celebration of us feels really heavy and tense. And we get sometimes to a place after a long time that we don't even know how to let people celebrate us because it feels wrong. That's the shift that I'm talking about. And it doesn't happen overnight, it happens very, very slowly. So this is what they do. Sometimes leading up to whatever the holiday or the special moment is, or our birthday. I think birthdays are kind of a big common area, but there'll be a tension that kind of happens, some type of a shift in mood, something that all of a sudden they're dealing with, something that's happening, or even something that now all of it seems to come out of nowhere that they all of a sudden have a problem with something that you've done, or some way that you're acting. And so there's kind of a tension, and it's this emotional battleground that we find ourselves in. But even on the flip side, it can be after the celebration where there's some type of a fallout after. So we're either met with a silent treatment or a shaming, where they're like um telling us, well, you made it all about you. You're so selfish. Or I can't believe that you didn't even acknowledge anybody else. Or it's something that makes it so that you have done something wrong by celebrating yourself for whatever the thing is, or you didn't thank them enough for everything that they did for you on that celebration. I mean, it can be that, but it's something that heaps shame on you that you've done something wrong in the celebration somehow. And so what happens is instead of enjoying celebrations or special moments or holidays or birthdays without even realizing what we're doing over time, we've been so trained to brace ourselves that we can't enjoy it at all because we walk in already on edge, because we don't know where the fallout is coming from. It may happen before, it may happen during, and it may happen after, but somewhere there will be a fallout if we celebrate ourselves too much. And so we we are already on edge. That's part of that controlling manipulation because sometimes we'll find a way where if it's a holiday, not necessarily my birthday, but even a holiday, we'll maybe go overboard sometimes to make sure that they feel special and included. So it's this emotional training again that we now are trained in a way to make it about them. But it's so subtle that we don't even realize that we're being manipulated in that way. Another kind of ploy that they do against us is this so many times they'll be in competition with us for attention. And again, it's really hard to explain this one because it's nothing that they say directly about being in competition with us. Um but you're gonna feel it. You're gonna feel like you need to make sure that you don't outshine them. And you'll start to feel the need to shrink yourself, to redirect attention, to soften yourself, and make sure that they are getting as much or more attention on them than you are. And there are a couple of ways that they can do this. First is, and this is not related to um holidays. This is just in general. So this can be if you're in a relationship with another person and they feel like that person likes you more than them, then you'll find this kind of competition. So the first one is that they will um they could play the victim. And this one is especially true. You'll find this with the covert narcissism. They start to victimize themselves in a way so that um, you know, they they don't, they're not as confident as you, or they don't make friends as easy as you, or they're just not as whatever the thing is that you are. So they so we feel sorry for them. And now we want to make sure that there's enough attention directed to them because in our heart, what we're trying to do is build their confidence. And so it becomes this ploy where now they're using us to build them up and you know, shift the attention and what we think is helping them and building their confidence when it's really we've been manipulated to shift attention to them. So the victimization can play a big role in that. Another way that they can do it is, and this is the same thing with the holidays, is sometimes the aftermath, the fallout after. So after you've been around this friend or whoever this group, whoever it is, whatever the thing is, they will punish you sometimes with a silent treatment afterward or shame you for somehow showing off or making it all about you and not even acknowledging them. So they'll say, You hogged all the attention. God, are you really that insecure that you have to talk that much all the time? I couldn't get a word in edgewise because of you. And so they shame you in a way. So that next time you're in that scenario or around that person, what you do is you shrink yourself back and you stay silent and you pull away and you make sure that you don't do too much with that person, you don't spend too much time with them, that you always include, you know, whoever your abuser is in that role, and you start to feel deeply insecure. And in the training in that, what we do is we don't wait for them to tell us how to behave. We just shrink and pull away and pull ourselves down and hide like the wallflower and don't say anything. And then again, we find ourselves tense, on edge, and not enjoying being around whoever it is that we were around, because we can feel the competition and we want to make sure that they're getting enough attention and we're bracing for the fallout that may come or the shaming that comes after. Another tactic that they'll use is one, and this one's in a conversational kind of way, and I I again I call it a push-pull, and that's just my term for it, because I feel like they're kind of pulling you in and pushing you away at the same time. Um, but it's this is happening in conversation. And this one used to make me feel so confused. Um, because I didn't, I didn't really understand, and I it felt like, and this is the this is that kind of pulling you in, it feels like they want connection with you. So they may ask you a question, somehow draw you into conversation with them, or talk about you, or ask you something about you. So it looks like they care about what you have to say. But the second that you start answering, or when you've answered a little bit, but you're still talking, they will talk over you sometimes. They will interrupt you repeatedly and kind of shut you down, or they can even just like completely ignore what you're saying, maybe even just turn around and walk away. And that's happened to me repeatedly. My ex-husband used to do that on on the regular. Um, we would be in a conversation about something, and he would be asking me about something that happened, and I'm trying to tell him it can be with me, it could be with the kids, it could be whatever the thing is. And we're in right in the middle of the conversation, and he is just kind of disconnected, just turns around and walks away. And I'm still standing there mid-sentence, and I don't even know what happened or why he left. And it's that thing that they easily dismiss you in the same moment that they're trying to engage and seem to connect with you. So it's this push-pull. It's this thing that you start to question, do I matter or not? I'm not sure. But slowly over time, then what happens is it creates this illusion of some type of connection without a real interest in you. And we start to buy into that our voice doesn't matter. Because when they decide that the conversation's over, they will turn around and just walk away. And so your voice starts to feel like it's unimportant. And we start to quiet ourselves, and then we're we're on eggshells trying to figure out how to answer without saying too much, but giving enough. And what does that look like? Because it's going to be different every time. So again, it's that emotional conditioning, and this is where we buy into the belief that our voice doesn't matter. Another little tactic that they'll do, another little subtle form, is the kind of non-answer answers when you ask them a question. So they tend to deflect. Um, if you ask them about something, they'll deflect and kind of go off in another direction or bring up other things, um, usually in a way where it comes back to you. So if you're talking to them to say something, especially, oh, yes. Um, especially if you are asking them something or trying to tell them, hey, when you said that the other day, it really hurt my feelings. Whatever the thing is. Or you did something, and I just want to make sure, like, were you trying to, was that intentionally being cruel to me? Because it felt cruel. If you, if you bring something like that to them, they will absolutely talk in circles, and then you'll find in the conversation that they're gonna deflect and circle around to something that you did, and it could have been six months ago, six years ago, 20 years ago. It could have been that morning, whatever. But something that you did, and it you'll find that when there's an accusation, it's an always or never. And so they'll deflect it in a way to say, you always do that, you never do that. So one of the two, but whatever the thing is, it's the always or never that it's like you do this and I tolerate your behavior regardless of how it makes me feel, and then you're gonna ask me about that. And it's it's kind of a talking in circles, but they never really answered your question or the original issue or whatever the thing was that you brought to them. The conversation goes in a whole other direction. And sometimes you'll find that if you've asked them a question, they may even repeat the question back to you with heavy, heavy sarcasm. So you'll find, like, you know, if you say um something, um, you know, why did you say that? When you said, whatever, whatever the thing is. And they'll ask it back to you and say, Why did I say that? And it's steeped in such sarcasm that you immediately feel like you're wrong for bringing it up. You immediately feel shame, like you've done something wrong, by even asking. And so what happens is there's this confusion that happens, and again, it's about emotional control. Because in that, in this tactic right here, the non-answers and the deflecting, what happens is we get to the place where we again we shrink and we stay silent because we stop asking, because it's not worth the tension, it's not worth the drama, it's not worth the fight. And so we just don't go there. We back down. And sometimes in the deflection, if it's flipped in a way where um they now are deflecting it back, and something that we've done now that kind of hurts them or puts them in a some type of harm, then we start feeling guilty. So now we're holding guilt and shame. And now we're trying to compensate, and whatever the thing is that has been the accusation against us, we actually walk away feeling somehow that we need to compensate for that. And again, it's an emotional conditioning on how we treat them and drawing attention to them and making sure we never ask them. Another tactic that you'll find is um, and this kind of goes in with the deflection, but it's just slightly different. And I and I, you know, I I go through these and I think, is it the same thing? But it's really a little bit different. And I just want you to be aware of all of the little subtle things that they're doing so that you understand that you're not the crazy one. So another little tactic is this idea of vague language. And this one is one of the most frustrating. So they don't say things directly, they talk around things. There's heavy insinuation. So they'll never directly say, I'll give you a prime example. They'll never directly say, I don't want you talking to that person. Right? Because control is controlling every part of your life, even who you interact with. So they'll never directly say that. But the insinuation is that they don't want you doing that. So they'll say things around not wanting you to hang out with that person or have relationship, friendship, whatever the thing is with that person. So they'll say things like, you know, they're just not really a good person. Or when you're doing something and they go, see, that's really them trying to manipulate you. Or do you see how they're treating you? I wouldn't tolerate that behavior. But it's all of the little things that they throw out that insinuate that the relationship is bad, so that you will then sever ties and end the relationship. But they've never directly told you, I don't want you talking to that person. It's again about control because in the emotional training of control that happens in this is that we now will do things that they wanted us to do all along without them directly telling us to do it. Another kind of way this vague language works is, and again, it's not this isn't something that's accidental for them. Like this is very calculated. You can never hold them accountable for something that they never directly said. So if you're accusing them of something, they can twist it around and always come back with, that's not what I meant. You misunderstood. I never said that. And now suddenly you're the one questioning yourself in every conversation around that subject all over again. And it goes through your mind and it's foggy and confusing, and we don't even know what really was said because we know what they meant, because there's heavy insinuation, but never a direct language towards that. And it's about control and it's about uh conditioning us to do certain things without them directly telling us to do it. So that one is kind of like the deflection, but I feel like it's kind of its own animal too. So I want to make you very aware of that. And these are just, you know, just a few things that I have found, I'm sure there's so much more if we really got deep and heavy into the ways that we are manipulated and gaslit. But these are some simple things that you can look for. These are some simple things that no matter how subtle they are, if you I feel like if you can name it, if you're aware that this is kind of a tactic against you, then you have some power again in your hands on what you do with it. And you get control about what happens in your life, which is honestly. What we crave. Because we feel out of control so many times when we fall victim to this type of abuse. And I want to say this to you. And I want you to hear me very, very clearly on this. Because when you start reacting and you start feeling that, like I like I asked you in the beginning, have you ever walked away feeling small or crazy? I want you to know you're not overreacting. I need you to know you are not too sensitive. Your body is responding to something very real. You may not have had the language for it, and you may not have been able to pinpoint or say this is exactly what happened because it's not obvious. But again, naming something is where your power starts to come back to you. So I want to I want to leave you with this. And again, with everything that I share, you take what fits and you throw everything else out. I'm not saying I have all the answers. I'm saying this is what I've seen and this is what I've learned from other survivors. These are some of the common grounds that I have found that we have all suffered from. That we can all kind of say, I don't know what just happened, but I know I felt this. So I'm just trying to make it a little more clear. But if there's anything that you feel like doesn't fit, you throw it out. It's not for you, and that's okay. But I want to ask you, where in your life have you been shrinking back to keep the peace? Because in this type of abuse, when we have been emotionally trained in a certain way, when we have been gaslit and manipulated like this, we tend to not only behave this way or shrink back or quiet our voice only in the relationship with them, but it it becomes a belief of who we are. And we start to live our lives that way in every relationship. I don't want you to feel any pressure. I don't want you to feel like you have to change anything today. I just want you to be aware. Because in awareness is where everything starts to begin. That's where we can start to change and shift and get our voice back. That's where we start to feel empowered again as that fog starts to kind of lift and we get a clearer picture of what's going on. And that is what I want for you. I don't want you to feel pressure to fix anything. That will come. And if you're there, by all means, fix it. And if you're not, that's okay. Just be aware of what's going on. It's the smallest ways that we choose ourselves. And where I can see that I shrink my voice, or I hold back, or I quit being me is a very small way of seeing myself again. And there is something inside of us when we have been in this type of abuse that is longing to be seen and heard. I know that one. I know that one so deeply. My desire for you is that your voice will no longer be silenced. My desire for you is that you will feel whole and confident in you, just being you. That you feel like you're allowed to be you, to take up space, because that's what you deserve. As always, I am here for you. And as always, I will end with this every time. Because if you have been in this type of abuse, if you have seen the darkness that I have seen, if you have lived in this torment, or if you are there now, I need you to know without a doubt, I see you, I believe you. Thank you so much for listening today. And I hope that you felt the love and the encouragement that's being sent to you. Feel free to share this podcast and follow us so that you'll get notifications when we release new episodes. And until we meet again, dear friend, be kind, be courageous and truth. Love yourself as deeply as you would a close friend. And keep leaning into the joy and the beauty of discovering what it means to be authentic, whole, and wildly her.