Finding Purpose (with or without children)

Not having children doesn’t mean your life has no purpose… but it can feel like that sometimes.

And I also know there are people listening who do have kids and still feel like something’s missing.

In this episode, I’m talking about finding purpose.

The pressure, the questions, and that feeling of “is this it?”

If you’ve ever felt a bit lost or unsure of your direction, this will land.

Thank you so much for listening! 

⚡️If this episode landed for you, please hit the subscribe button!  

⚡️You can also connect with me on Instagram: @whatsnextforme111

⚡️And if you’d like to support the podcast, you’re always welcome to buy me a coffee - Thank you so much 

We've got this! 

Gem xx

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome back to Figuring Out at 40 Life Beyond the Timeline. I'm Gemma Jackson and I'm here today to talk to you about finding purpose with or without children. So grab a cupper or put me in your headphones and go for a walk and let's dive in the hello and welcome back everyone. I hope you've all had a good week. I've had a lovely week. It's been busy, it's been productive, and at the weekend I've had a lovely time with friends. This single girl has been celebrating Cheltenham Festival with her friends, and I had a winner on Friday in the Gold Cup.

unknown 1:03

Woohoo!

SPEAKER_00 1:04

I am not here to promote gambling, but we like to have a little flutter. And where I'm from, Cheltenham Festival is very popular. I'm not very good at it, I will openly admit that. My granddaugh was somebody who loved the horse racing, he used to study the form, he was dead good at it. Me, however, I'm more like pick a name. Sometimes, sometimes when I I I can study it, but I don't do it very often. And at this time in my life, it's more about being strategic, holding on to that money a little bit more rather than fluttering it away on the horses. But I did have a little bet on the um gold cup. Now I picked Gaelic Warrior. Now, me and Kaz, a bit of a little story. We're very lucky together when we put our brains together and picked horses. So be it at Cheltenham, Grand National, or when we went to the races, we were very lucky together. So I wanted to pick something that reminded me of her, and we called her our warrior. So it was only right that I picked Gaelic Warrior. It was the favourite, I didn't realise at the time. So it would have been nice if it had been like a big big odds winner, but a win's a win. And so I've had a lovely, lovely time. And then on Sunday, it was Mother's Day. Now that's why I wanted to talk today about this episode. So not everyone finds Mother's Day positive, it can be quite triggering for people for many different reasons. But if you had, I hope you did have a lovely day for those of you who are mums or spent time with your parents and your loved ones. I hope you had a lovely day. I spent um some of the day with mine and also my two nieces and nephew. One was at Man United, and the other one. So Mum made us all a roast beef dinner because their parents are on holiday. My siblings are away at the moment. So I got to spend some time with my nieces and my nephew, and obviously my parents. And yes, it was a bit back to front because I should have been making the roast dinner, but she insisted, and she loves to do it, so I will be taking her out, and we're gonna go for a coffee. That is something that we both love. Good coffee. And it got me thinking because I'm not a parent, and I've I've I've talked about quite a lot, and for a very long time, giving myself a hard time for not being where I thought I should be in my life and where others were. But actually, I'm very fortunate that I have got nieces and nephews, I've got godchildren, I've got my friends' kids, I absolutely adore them all. And for me, I want to be a positive role model in their life, and you can be an inspiration, influential on children. You do not have to be their blood. And I've had people in my life that are aunties, godmothers, friends of family members, people who I've worked with that have been inspirational in my life, and they're not necessarily a blood relative. So that was kind of something I wanted to sort of mention today, but I want to talk about this purpose, the word purpose. Now, there's this underlying belief that purpose equals having children. How do I how have I come to that conclusion? Because the amount of people that have said that to me and that they their purpose is to be a mum, and that's great, and I'm that I'm not knocking that, but there are a lot of us out there that don't have kids, so do we not have purpose? And there's that that belief that something's missing if you don't have that. Now, if you've ever questioned your purpose because of that, then this episode is for you. So, growing up, I naturally just assumed that I would become a parent, and I assume that there's people listening here that feel the same and thought the same, and it's not necessarily that somebody has said to me, You need to be a mum, that is your purpose on this planet, but it's what you see around you, be it family, friends, people you know, naturally having kids, getting married, all of that, and it can be very easy to sort of fall into that. Well, what's my purpose? And society has linked motherhood to meaning, and it can be easy because of seeing what's around you to then start to internalize that, even if you didn't consciously choose it yourself. So for me, I did internalize a lot of that. Well, why don't I have kids? What's wrong with me? What is my purpose? And I've in my life, I went to uni and all of that. I've said this story a few times, and I had a career, but I didn't choose the career over having children. It's just naturally you go to work, you need to work to earn money to live. And I just naturally assumed everything would fall into place. And when you're getting a job, it's then you for me, it's like you keep going to progress and and and going up in your career. And I would say for a long time, I attached a bit of a purpose to that as well. That that's my purpose. I go to work, I earn money, and I will become a mum, and that'll be my purpose. And I was burning out in a job that was really draining me, and I was questioning all sorts in my life that, well, what am I gonna do? You attach money to it, you attach like, oh god, I'm I'm I'm this age by now, and well, I can't really, you shouldn't be going down in salary, you should, if anything, it's you should be going up. And so I really started to question my role, my purpose. And it took for Karen to be diagnosed when she got ill, it kind of threw everything, and and I started to question what am I doing with my life? And thoughts of like, well, what is my life meant to be about now? Because I don't have the kids, I don't have the partner, I'm nowhere near close to being anywhere near that. And as well, I didn't want to be a mum badly enough to do it on my own. I just again naturally I would want to do it with somebody else, and I don't think I ever really questioned what that meant to be a mum, and I've had growing up moments in my life where I felt uncomfortable and I found it confusing because I assumed this would be what I would have, but this is the reality of my situation, and actually when I think about it, I didn't realise growing up how difficult children are. I've got nieces and nephews, I've got friends with kids, and it's not easy. And when you decide to have children, or you might be it might just happen, you are sacrificing a huge part of your life. Now, I'm talking to people that haven't got kids and people that have got kids because I know that there are people on here that listen that do have kids, and it's not just it's yes, it's expensive, blum and eck, but it's also time and stress, worry, anxiety, all of that energy that can that you are using when having children. Now, I know, like I say, that there are listeners that do have kids, and I also know people that have got kids and they feel like something's missing. Now, they have a purpose to be a mum, but they are like, But this is this all I'm meant to do, and I want more for my life as well as just being a mum, and you can absolutely do that, and it doesn't make you ungrateful or a bad person at all. You're allowed to do both, and it's realizing that purpose isn't one fixed thing, it's not defined by one role, be it you're a mum or you're not a mum, mum, if you're from up north. And what about who even, who even decided what purpose is meant to look like? We've attached, you know, we've labelled it, and it's like you listen to people around you, and this is my purpose, and it's like, well, actually, who decided that that's what purpose is meant to look like? And if it looks like that for you, doesn't mean that it looks like that for me. And that's what we need to as well remember that somebody else's purpose, direction, what they're doing in their life, is their life, it's not yours. They might project their expectations onto you, but at the end of the day, it's their it's not your life, and they can have those opinions, but it's you that's living it, and I want to redefine what purpose is it's how you show up in everyday life. So for me, I've uh found purpose in doing what I do now working online, wanting to move abroad, sharing my story, sharing content with people so that they feel seen, and also those helping others get out of maybe situations that's not serving them anymore, i.e., a job, they're looking for different ways to live their life, and for me to show people that you don't have to just do life one way either. It's okay to change direction, move career, relocate, leave a relationship, that is okay too. And the impact that you have on people around you that is purposeful massively. The impact I've been having on people has been huge, and for me, I'm building something for myself, and I'd encourage you to build something for you too, in whatever that looks like for you. We are human and we should be growing, changing, evolving as people. So if you want to redirect, do something else, then you should absolutely go for it. But it's removing that purpose, that label, an attachment that my life has no meaning because I'm not a mum. That's not true at all. And that's kind of what I want you to take away from this episode is that just because your life is different to those around you and what you expected and thought your purpose would be doesn't mean that you are behind. You're in your own lane, you're on your own timeline. As my cousin says, comparison is the thief of joy. Your life isn't lacking meaning just because you don't have what others have or what you expected to have, and you are allowed to want more in any situation, be it you don't have kids or you do. Your life is your life, you're not just here to be a parent if you've got kids, and kids grow up, and that's something that me and my friends spoke about quite a number of years ago now. She's gone through a divorce, and she said to me that she was in an unhappy relationship, and her kids were growing fast. And this is the thing, kids don't, it's not like, oh yeah, they get to 18 and then they become independent, they are becoming more independent earlier. So 12, 13, 14, they're knocking about with the mates, you're not seeing them as often. Yeah, they're still coming home to you, but there's a lot more time where you're not in their company and in their presence. So, what are you doing with your life? And and that's what my friend was like, I'm in an unhappy marriage, I need to get out of this because when them kids grow up, what I'm that like it was kind of staying in a relationship for the kids, but she realized that actually they were growing so fast that that time would soon come that she'd be spending a lot more time on her own or in that relationship that wasn't working for her. So I'd encourage you to be, yeah, if you want more in your life, I'm not saying go and break up your marriage, but I mean you are allowed to go and do other things as well as be a be a mum or a dad. And if you've got that feeling of, is this it? That is something you need to listen to. Because I had it and I had it for a long time. Is this it? Is this what my life is? And it's only making those changes, and maybe for me it was quite drastic, but I started to do the work, started to think about what is it that I want, and started to do the uncomfortable stuff. I like going on holiday on my own, which was a a huge transformation for me. And I just want you to look at that and and question that you know whether you've got kids or not, the question is the same. What actually feels meaningful to me? Uh there isn't one version of a meaningful life. You can have a very, very fulfilling, meaningful life, and it look completely different to that person to that person next sat next to you. And just because somebody's life is very fulfilling and meaningful to them doesn't mean that that should be exactly what your life should look like for you. Remember that it's your life, and purpose isn't something that you either have or you don't have, it changes, it grows. And for me, now it's building a business. I am building my business and I'm relocating abroad. Once I get to real where is I'm going, then there'll be a direction and maybe a redirection again, and my purpose might shift because again, naturally, we're growing and we're evolving, and just want you to remember that that children or no children that does not define you, and you are allowed to find purpose in other things as well. Drop the label, find meaning in your life in whatever way that looks for you. I hope you've enjoyed this episode. I would love it if you would like, share, subscribe, leave a review, share this with somebody that you think would really benefit from listening to it. And as always, have an amazing week, and I will see you on the next one. Take care, everyone.