44. Milestones & Breakdowns...I thought my life was over...

In this raw and vulnerable episode, I share a moment where I truly felt like my life was falling apart. After celebrating small milestones in my business, I experienced a powerful emotional breakdown right before my menstrual cycle began, reminding me that healing and growth often come in waves.

I open up about my journey with trauma healing, emotional release before your period, and the hormonal shifts that can bring buried emotions to the surface. This is an honest conversation about why breakdowns can be part of transformation, and how sometimes parts of our life need to crumble so something more aligned can emerge.

If you’re navigating personal growth, healing from past trauma, or emotional shifts around your menstrual cycle, this episode is a reminder that sometimes the breakdown is actually the breakthrough.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Vipire Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Hoviak, a holistic nutrition and wellness practitioner, your go-to for all things self-growth, personal development, and becoming your most authentic self. I know you've got a dream on your heart and a vision in your mind. You are ready to experience and unlock in your life, and I'm here to help you do just that. Meet me here every single Monday morning at 7 a.m. so that we can start our morning off right together. If you want to increase your confidence, your worthiness, and enhance your voice so you can finally start being the person you desire to be. Get ready to Vibe Hire because your next level starts now. Welcome back to the Vibe Hire Podcast. I am so excited to be here with you again on another beautiful Monday morning. We have an amazing episode for you today, and it is a very authentic and connective and vulnerable podcast episode today. I really love sharing with you information that I think can benefit your immediate and future life. I love sharing information and educating and teaching information that I believe is important and helpful and insightful and simplified. I love doing that. That feels very important for me to do. But I also love this podcast because it feels for me like a place to genuinely connect with you, where we are just two women sitting down, drinking some matcha, drinking some tea, and having conversation. I feel like I'm genuinely speaking to you and sharing with you not only what I know, what I'm what I've learned and what I am learning, but also about my experience. I've had many coaches that I've hired in the past that have shared with me that I should not speak on myself, that I should only speak to helping somebody with their experience. And I really I used to get very brainwashed very easily from the outside world. Whatever the outside world was telling me was what I believed to be true. I didn't know how to, what's the word? Um, I didn't have constructive thinking. I didn't know how to question other people's opinions and thoughts. I really just whatever was in my head was what was true. So if someone shared something that was then in my mind, I just kind of took it. So I've learned a lot over the last five years or so, how to start to become more of a critical thinker, how to, I think that was the word critical thinking, how to really define and refine my own thought process and lean into my own opinions and my own beliefs. And that comes from a greater sense of understanding who you are. And I used to be very brainwashed. So, but every time that I really do share with my audience, because I had a prior Instagram, a prior business, this whole before chapter, before vibe higher. And I shared a lot about my personal experience and my healing and the trauma I was working through and my health and just things I was doing to better my life. And I really look back and reflect that when I do that, when I share my honest experience and the details and the truth of what I'm going through, I have so much, so many women that reach out to me and thank me because they they they feel it, they understand it, they resonate with it, they they want it too, they enjoy it, they appreciate it. So I love this podcast because I'm continuously learning how to give myself permission to share more about my experience because what I'm sharing with you and giving to you are things that I'm doing in my life. And that's how I'm learning and that's how I'm growing. So it's where the context is as to where this information or a lot of it is coming from. So I want to talk to you today about milestones and breakdowns because I genuinely thought my life was coming to an end recently, these last few days. It was like the most dramatic buildup of an emotional purge before my moon time, my period. And it was overwhelming. I genuinely thought I was about to let go of everything in my life. I thought my marriage was ending. I thought my life was over. I thought I was gonna have to leave and go start everything new. And it was this whole like catastrophizing and destruction of my life that felt like was arriving, and it was horrific. So I want to talk to you a little bit about milestones and then some breakdowns and just the genuineness of life that I'm going through as a holistic nutrition and wellness practitioner and a guide and coach and just another sister on the path that's trying to really look at what I've been brainwashed and taught and modeled to believe is normal and is normal. The fact that our society is so poisonous and toxic, and there's we're just so governed by so much ill health, and so many things are looked at as so normal, and it's just not. And I'm I'm just really, really starting to look around and question like, well, what's important to me? Because for a very long time I've tried to fit into the mold of society, the mold of what a woman is in this culture of America, and it just never worked for me, and it never does. And when I when I try to do things from that perspective, or when I try to do things from what I think the world needs, or what I think the world wants, or what I think the other will approve of through my business, things don't flow. Things just don't work. So I need to take a sip. I've got some ginger honey tea. I have a cold, I have a cough, and I I feel sick. So if you're drinking some hot beverage with me, let's take let's take another sip together. And you know what that reminds me of? We should breathe. We should take a deep breath. So let's take a deep breath in through the nose, fill up your belly. Open your mouth, let it go slowly. Breathe in. Breathe in. And out. Welcome back to another podcast episode. I mean, where do I start? Do I start with breakdowns? Do I start with milestones? I would say a milestone for me, and as I share these with you, I want you to reflect on maybe what yours are. A milestone for me is two things that are happening in my business, and they're seemingly small, but it's at the beginning of my business. Because although the although I've been doing this for over five years, I just dissolved my prior business and I started a new one. So I'm only a couple months into my new business. And it takes a while to build normally. It takes a while to build a business as a startup. So for me to jump into a new business and think everything is supposed to pick up and be fast and grow and be more because the past five years I had that is just kind of funny to me. So I just started my business and I'm the vibe higher business, which is all about vibing higher, rising higher, growing bigger, becoming more. And I have a few small milestones that aren't necessarily small, but they because they're the beginning, but they're big because they are they're they're they're milestones. They're they're bigger steps in the process. So I am getting better at actually holding the business, being able to operate the business, being able to run the business and have consistent things going on on consistent dates. Because in the past, what I've learned is I have a lot, I have a lot of creative energy that likes to flow in so many different directions. And I'm still learning how to be in relationship with that creativity because my judgment stops it, my control halts it. There's so many things that there's so there's such a relationship with my creativity that I'm I'm still learning. So when it comes to my business, I was recognizing not necessarily how to do the long-term plan, but short-term bursts of executing and expressing. So for this podcast, for example, I started out with wanting to do Monday mornings because if I could record a few podcasts one week, then I would have a few weeks of content done and out of space and time to let my creativity come back online or pour into another area. But what I did because I was getting so excited at how much was coming out of me for the podcast, I started putting out episodes every single weekday. And that was a lot to keep up with. And I'm so glad I did it because now I have almost 50 podcasts because of that. So I have this whole backlog for people that are starting to come in and find this world and this information and my podcast and my work, have this backlog of podcasts they can tune into. But it would come to a point where I would be giving and giving and giving and pouring and pouring and pouring into the podcast so much that all these other areas that I was wanting to pour into didn't have the space because it just, it was just, it was just non-existent. So what I'm learning now, instead of if I film or record two or three podcasts, instead of putting them out three days in a row, because I'm excited for you to have it, I now have a podcast that can go out on Monday for three weeks out. And in those three weeks, I have time to pour into my Substack or into my YouTube channel or into something else. But if I'm constantly putting out everything that's coming without the strategy of stretching it out and being patient with growth, then I would just be overwhelmed and things wouldn't be functioning. So I'm learning that what I'm doing that's working for me with creating content or pouring into an area of my life, this doesn't have to be business related for you. It could be pouring into your nutrition or pouring into your exercise or whatever it is. That if I I put a little bit of effort into one thing and make extra, like if I am doing a podcast episode, but I I I record two or three, then I'm good for like three weeks. But if I just do one and move on to the next thing, then I'm constantly having to keep up with versus feeling more sustainable in how I'm building and growing the business. So if I pour a little bit extra into the podcast, then the next day I can do two vlog videos, and then the next day I can do two sub steck articles. And then I've got weeks worth of information that I can have on specific days going out. So it helps me recognize how much less I'm in survival mode of that sense of urgency. Do you know what I'm talking about? When you feel like you have to do the thing now, you need the thing now, you need the relief now, you need the manifestation now, like you gotta hurry up. And it and that like sense of urgency that I have to go faster because things are not okay right now really is melting because I am things are okay and things are working okay. And something that I've recognized too is that my business can sustain itself. Like my business has an overhead of how much it costs to run per month, and it can sustain itself with the clients I have and with the work I'm doing right now. But it can't sustain me as an individual. And so I was gripping onto my business almost like I imagine my business as this entity, like this um ball of energy in a way. And I imagine myself and my human energy body like straddling it, like almost as if it's giving me a piggyback ride, but I'm it's not wanting to. Like I'm just on it and suffocating it in a way, being like, save me, hold me, lift me, fill me, feed me, like needing so much from the business, like this desperation, which I think comes from a real desperation from needing love and attention as a child. And I see it playing out through how I grip my business at times of you need to be something, you need to be what I need you to be, so I'm okay. And so that's pouring, that's outsourcing a lot of my power onto the business and onto money that's that's suffocating. So I and my husband and I are really thinking about like what is going on with the economy? Like, what is about to happen? There's so much uncertainty. There's a war going on right now. There are so much uncertainties. There are so much, there's so much unknown of what is happening and what is about to happen. And my husband works at a job that makes enough for us, but I still contribute financially to our life. And I got a job recently. I went and found a job five minutes from my house, and it's waitressing, it's morning shifts, so I still have time in the evenings to do my client calls and my work. And I'm, you know, when I first got it, I got it out of panic and fear. So let me walk you through this story actually. Because this is all about like the reality of my mindset and the stories I tell myself and the needs that I need met. Like there's so much here. Oh my gosh. Okay, I need a sip of tea. Hold on. Sip with me, sip with me. So for the last couple months, I well, actually for the last year, I really was just working for myself. I wasn't working anywhere else. And it was enough to provide, to have my business running, to be able to pour into myself and some of my needs financially, and to give some money towards my bills, our bills as a family and my life, our life. And it wasn't enough, but I mean, we were okay because my husband can cover a lot. And my husband gave me a lot of time to not need to work because I was going through different trauma practic trauma healing practices and modalities, like EMDR therapy for a couple months. It was more of three different therapists I was seeing throughout the course of three months to really go deep into healing my trauma from sexual abuse. And that was a pivotal moment in my life that I needed because I was I felt so broken before the EMDR. I felt so broken before I really went into the depth of the healing where I faced the truth, where I let the memories fully come up. Because for the past three and a half years, I've been digesting and metabolizing the information of my childhood sexual abuse. And it has been horrific and disgusting and horrible and scary and so isolating and so painful and so lonely and so devastating. And I had so much betrayal and mistrust and rage at how violated I was from people that were supposed to protect me and look out for me. And it was very difficult remembering the information. And the the process of remembering the information was more so organic because for the prior 10 years to me turning 30, I had been investing in fitness and nutrition and school and meditation and yoga and just really trying to better my life. I was trying to seek something through what I was looking for in all of these practices, but I didn't know what. I was following my intuition to start fitness, to change my diet, to learn about hormones, to learn about mindset, to go to school and to become a yoga teacher, to get into Reiki. Just everything I was doing, I was following this, this, like almost like this trail of from my intuition, where it's like the higher self had the path laid out in front of me. And if I just kept following the thread of that feels right, that feels right, then I was following this path into the unknown. And I didn't know what I where I was going or what it was for, but it was all to help me get to a point where I knew how to hold myself and care for myself through what was about to come up when I turned 30, which was remembering that I was abused. And it was rough. I mean, that kind of that was a plot twist, but it was relieving in a way because I had always wondered if something happened to me because something felt so wrong in my body and in my mind. I was always at war with myself. There was so much conflict in my world. It was so uncomfortable in my body. Sex and intimacy was terrifying. I had so much anxiety. I was deeply insecure. I mean, there was just so much that was going on that was just I was just seeing happening. And I'm like, what is wrong with me? Like, what is all of this? Like, there's something wrong with me. And there really wasn't anything wrong with me, but there was something deeply wrong within me. And it was the suppressed trauma, the pain, the violation, everything that I endured. And it just got to a point where I think it was time I had done so much work to try to heal from I don't know what. I don't know what was going on of just trying to feel better. And the memory started to surface. And then as the memory started to surface, which moving my body was a great catalyst to bring it up, I had the choice to allow it or to stop it. We all have that choice. We either swallow it back down, you know what I'm talking about, or we let it up. I, for the first time in my life, let it up. I really let it up. There were only a few specific times that I said absolutely not, and I shoved it right back down, or I pushed it away from me because it was like it was coming into, it was like it was coming towards me from the outside to reveal itself to me. And I rejected it. I was like a hard hell no. Hell no, a hardcore no, absolutely not. Not true, not looking at that, not that one, no. And it was when someone specifically had put themselves in my mouth. And that was the one from this specific person that I just could not look at. It felt, it just felt too, it felt too wrong. It felt too violating. It felt too horrific. Like I couldn't do it. So the first few times it tried, I was just like, I would literally would start screaming out loud. I would say, no, no, not that. Nope, no, no, no, no. And I would literally tell it, no, like I'm not ready. And then I realized it would go back down and I'm like, I'm missing the upper, oh, I have to let this up. I can't keep swallowing this. I can't keep avoiding this because I want this out of me. And then I started to allow it. And I would have the most insane somatic, which means body, like convulsions, and I would shake, I would convulse. I would go into postures that were just super strange, and my hands would do weird things, like curl into themselves or like cover my neck or my mouth. Like it was just doing, I was letting my body re remember what happened and also go through the postures it didn't get to do, which were like get away from me and trying to protect myself. So as I was going through all of this healing stuff, and as I was going through this whole journey of allowing up what was coming up, I got to a point where I started to, I needed to go all the way because I had questions around very specific events. Like I needed to know if this one of these people that abused me made me do things with another younger person. I needed to know that. I needed to know with another if another adult that I didn't for sure know if they were involved. I needed to know if they had done something with me to me. And I needed to know uh there was one other thing I can't recall in this moment, but I there were some things that were lingering, like I don't know if this is true or if this is just a thought or if this is a real memory. Like, I don't know. And the EMDR, which is eye movement EMD, eye movement desensitization and rapid re and reprocessing, I believe. It is a trauma therapy that helps you process trauma, process emotions. And oh my gosh, it was exactly what I needed. And I did an EMDR intensive because usually you do single like 50-minute, 60-minute sessions for about eight weeks. It's like a typical journey. And I did an intensive where I did a two-hour meetup to go over like what I'm going through, what's going on, who am I, and then I went through a four-hour EMDR intensive where we did it for four hours straight. We took one break and then we went into it again. And then I did a one-hour follow-up. Let's see, four, five, six, seven, or a two-hour follow-up to go over what happened and where I'm at and what's going on. I've done many plant medicine ceremonies, but the EMDR was so trippy and so intense. And I I I loved it. I didn't love what it felt like. I didn't love the process, but like what that did for me was completely life-changing in the sense that it truly lifted up the last remaining bits of the unknown that were within me, and it brought clarity. I was sobbing majority of the time. I was um struggling a lot of the time, but it was just flowing out and it was time. I got the answers I needed. All the things that I had wondered and suspected might be true. I got confirmation it was true. And one of the biggest parts of my healing journey is coming to a place of validating my own experience that this actually did happen to me. Because m everyone involved will tell me, because I've confronted some people, tell me that's not true, that never happened. And I know it did. Like you can lie all you want, but I'm gonna stand in the truth that I know what happened. I was there. It was me that it was done to. You're not gonna tell me something didn't happen to me. And I was gaslit for a really long time where I was really bel I really believed like maybe I'm genuinely making this up. Like it was got to a point where I really lost myself. But the journey of my healing was really coming to a place of remembering and then standing in the truth of that and not letting someone else's perspectives sway me because I know. And that's a very empowering place to be. And I don't feel like I could have stood stood there if I didn't do the EMDR. And after that, I was able to start to like live my life in a way where I just really couldn't before. And I because I was so like broken inside. So my prior business was very much stemmed from like that whole chapter of not knowing who I was to it coming up and then remembering what happened, and then just coming to a place of I I have compassion for and empathy for all of the versions of me that I was in my prior business called Wildly Holistic. And I was just seeking and trying, and I wanted to do good in the world, but I was just so damaged in my own way. And I just felt like when I got through everything, that it just felt right to let go of my business. It felt right to start over and to jump into something new. And I just followed my creativity. I just followed Vibe Higher with Sarah. I just followed wanting to be inspiring and wanting to share and wanting to give. And I'm still learning how to stop judging myself. I'm still learning how to trust. I'm still learning how to be in a healthy relationship with my nervous system. I'm still learning how to be in a healthy relationship with my creativity, with my expression, with what I want to share. I'm still facing my fears of being seen, of being judged and told I'm wrong for my opinions because that is my background. And just finding the bravery and courage to stand up in my life and to do something with my life. So, some of these milestones in this new chapter of this new business starting is I am keeping up with things in a way that I just could not hold or handle. And it feels really exciting to do that. To be able to feel proud that I have a podcast going out every Monday, to feel proud at what I'm saying, and to feel proud that I have an email going out every Sunday in my OSHIGrows email community where I just want to share with you like what we're what I'm doing and what you can do to grow and to keep becoming your best self. I've got Wednesday vlogs going out, which, well, actually on Tuesdays, I have recipes going out on my Substack, which are all blood sugar-friendly, hormone, healthy, really intentional recipes that I've created and developed over the years. On Wednesdays, I have vlogs going out, which I'm so excited about because they're so vulnerable. Like I love them in the moment that I'm excited, but then when I'm like watching them back or I'm really sitting with the fact that I just shared more about myself and my life, like it's it's there's like a vulnerable hangover where I'm I'm scared. I feel scared to have shared myself. I feel scared to have put myself out online. I feel scared to feel rejected. I feel scared to be told I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm talking about, because that's a very big block for me, is the genuine concern that somebody knows more than me, and so I shouldn't even bother. And just so much internal barriers to overcome and to stand up to, to continue to grow. So vlogs are exciting because I'm doing this whole process of teaching you through my own remembering and my own education and my own life on how to take care of yourself, through how to discover what kind of macronutrients might be good for your body type and how to build a plan for a goal when it comes to nutrition. And we're getting into the body mechanics of macronutrients of how based on your body type, based on your goals, based on your activity, based on you. How do you measure out and figure out what is good for you to be eating, like how much? And then I'm gonna be creating a nutrition and meal plan where I'm showing you how, based on the calories and the macros I want to be consuming, I'm gonna create a very loose but structured meal plan. And then I'm gonna show you what that's like as I start to train and pursue goals through nutrition and fitness. So there's so much that I'm just continuously learning because my brain does not hold on to information for a long time. It just doesn't. If I'm not using information, my I just it just goes. So I don't always remember how to do things for wellness because there's so much to health and wellness that when I'm studying one topic, my mind kind of starts to let go of other topics. So it's always just what's fresh and exciting in the moment. So I'm always learning and I'm always in a new relationship with whatever I'm talking about. And we're just in it together. So the vlogs are exciting because I like, I'm sharing with you, like I gained weight through bulking and that was intentional, but like it shook me. It made me, it brought up some insecurities. I'm telling you how I'm tracking my macros. I'm helping you through my own experience, show you how I'm building a healthy high protein meal plan. I'm sharing with you what the groceries look like, the meal prep, the planning, like how it works to like really essentially what I do with my clients, but I'm doing it for myself and I'm showing you how you can do it too. So that's super exciting. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing on Thursdays. I might be putting out an article on Substack that's just very health-oriented and self-growth oriented that is for paid subscribers because it's a lot of good information and my business needs to operate somehow. And then on Fridays, I am starting a new series, which I need, I'm in the process of building that, which is called Practitioner Chat. Because I want to sit down with you and talk to you about what I'm doing with my clients and what they're going through and real life experiences of people going through this work and what it's like for one of my clients. She went from infertile for nine plus months to being fertile and gotten, she got pregnant within three months of working with me. Like the things that happen when we do this kind of work of healing and building a better relationship with yourself and changing your lifestyle can bring you everything that you desire because you're aligned and you're healthy. So, some of the milestones I just want to share is four people have rated my podcast with a five star over on Spotify. And I just want to say that's so exciting. So thank you so much to those of you that actually took the time to rate the podcast and to give it a five star. Like, that's so exciting to know that that's a small milestone, but it's a milestone. And if I didn't show up and if I didn't put out and if I didn't share, then I wouldn't be in this moment. And if I keep going and keep going, who knows what could happen if growth continues. So I just wanted to say thank you for that because it feels really exciting for me to know that people are listening to the podcast. I mean, there's a solid 10 downloads almost every single episode, and that's a good start. Like that's whoever the 10 of you are, I'm so excited you're here with me. I'm so excited we're hanging out. So thank you so much. Another milestone is my second vlog that I put out on I I gained weight. I gained 15 pounds through bulking. Let's talk about it. Has 62 views on it. And that's exciting because some of my other, I mean, I'm just starting to put pot, I'm just starting to put videos out on YouTube and they all have very, very, very low views because it's new and it's gonna grow in time. So to have 62 people have seen that, that's exciting because that's a big milestone. So I want you to really look to your life that milestones don't have to be these massive big things from the outside world that, but from your perspective, as you're starting something new or you're moving in a direction, like a milestone from one of my clients is that she was able to take her morning supplements three days in a row because she was barely, she wasn't able to take them before. She was just being really inconsistent. And that's amazing. So milestones are like really celebrate things you're doing and things that are working, no matter how small they are, because it is the small daily choices that add up over time. So make sure you are taking that time to reflect on what's going well and what you're doing right and what you're proud of because it's so easy for our mind to continue to focus on what we don't like and what we don't want and what we're not doing well and where we're failing and what's wrong and all catastrophizing. So really take some time to look at what are you doing that you feel proud of and you can celebrate yourself for just for a moment of recognition. I find that very important. All right, it's time for breakdowns. Oh my gosh. I really thought my life was ending. I thought I was gonna have to start my life over. I thought I was getting a divorce. I thought that I was about to have to go find somewhere to live. I didn't know how who was taking the animals. Like my mind went all the way to I'm about to be alone. And it really comes every time before my period, there is an emotional purge. I shared about this in my Oh, she grows email newsletter that I send out every Sunday. This was yesterday's. And I sent out information on the emotional purge that you should not avoid right before your period. So many of my clients and so many women numb themselves. They take medications or prescriptions or over-the-counter drugs, pharmaceuticals, they take over-the-counter medicine or they do things that like really keep them away from feeling what's going on right before their period. The physical symptoms are hard, but the emotions, who you are emotionally right before your period. Yes, there's a thing that there's a thing as hormonal imbalances that cause a lot of this, but there's a reality to a woman where when we move from the luteal phase of fall into the menstrual phase of winter, where we actually bleed, we shed, we drop it. Our body is conjuring the emotional data that needs to come up and be shed as well. Our body naturally does the shedding of the physical, it just happens. But we have the choice to shed the emotional that it brings up. And many women are not in tune with this. And I find that they are very sick because of it. Women in their health are aligned with their emotions, they are aligned with their intuition, the rhythm of the feminine. Women who suppress, repress, dissociate, avoid, and look away from what's coming up with them within them before their period, I find are losing intelligence. They are becoming more disconnected because that information that comes up is for you. That's for you. So this most recent time, because every cycle, there's there's things to process conversations from the month, relationships, things that hurt me, things that excited me, things that went well, things I'm not liking, ruminating, there's things that come up right before the period that are a matter of you must process it, digest it, might metabolize the invisible energy of what's within you, what you've experienced, what you've lived through, so that you can really integrate that information and become the transformed version of you when the period happens, because then you let go of the old. But if you're not letting the old come out to be processed, then you're holding it on and you're gonna gain weight physically, emotionally, mentally. You're going to feel disconnected, you're going to harbor internal energy that's meant to be expressed, you're going to have hormonal problems, you're going to have skin problems, mental problems, digestive problems, bowel problems. Health can be very pure and clean simply by letting yourself feel and face your inner world. But if we as women are not guided to go in and trust ourselves and be with ourselves, it makes sense. We're very sick and disconnected. So this round was very intense because it came like in a matter of 10 minutes where I was in one place and then I just shifted into rage. So much rage. So without going into detail, because my marriage is mine and it's private and personal, but my I have brought a lot of trauma into my relationship because of the sexual abuse. And I was with my partner for five years married. I knew him for eight years, married for five, um, or six, I have somewhere around five and a half. Uh, we were married, and then I started to remember the sexual abuse. So there's so much strangeness between intimacy and so much defense from me, and my walls would go up, my anger would come up when he would come near me or want to be with me or anything sexually related, intimately related. We just have a we had a lot of struggles because of what I, what was within me that was coming up from that. Because my my system went into full-blown protection mode anytime the threat of connection, sexuality, intimacy was present, or even just his presence with me was triggering. There was so, so much that happened that taught him that it wasn't safe to be in the moment and himself with me from where I was and what I was bringing to the table. And we've both grown a lot because my defenses are definitely not up like they were. I'm so much more present. I'm not dissociated, I'm not fragmented, I'm not all in my head, I'm not all over in the ether. I'm here. And so we're both learning how to navigate through life and be in relationship now because it's different now after my EMDR, after like the big purge of like really letting it go happen. So we're both learning to be in relationship in a new way because we haven't been here before, because it's just been so hard before. So my husband will go into just kind of taking care of things and keeping our life moving and can sometimes go into autopilot of just taking care of things. And I sometimes go into a position of um trying to be like the good girl, the good wife that doesn't address the fact that I feel emotionally not connected with and not prioritized because life and work and bills and things are becoming the priority. And I just got to a point where I was starting to ask for certain something specific I was looking for and I wasn't receiving it, and I had asked for it and then it didn't come, and I just I feel like I broke down. And part of my relationship with my partner is learning how to communicate my struggles and my needs pertaining to our relationship. And his is learning how to receive that without it being an attack. And there's so much about how I can share what I feel like I'm looking for and wanting more of, and sometimes not getting enough of, communicating it in a way that's more inviting and soft, but I'm coming from pain and I'm still learning how to communicate that in the right way. And so sometimes it'll come off in a way that is more harming than just sharing my experience. So there's so much we're learning about in communication and in intimacy. And we both have room for growth. We're both good at things and we both have areas for growth. So this time around, I I felt like I just got to this point of I felt like everything dropped. I felt like my connection, like holding on to the relationship, holding on to the emotional connection, like trying to like hold it because if I didn't, I felt like we would fall apart. I couldn't hold it. I let it go, and I feel like I dropped into like the deepest despair ever. And I I like don't get mad at my husband. I don't um, we don't fight, we don't argue in a way of like yelling or getting upset with one another in that way. We'll just come to a point of taking some space and then like talking about it. And I felt like I just got to this point where I just didn't care anymore at all because I felt so neglected because I had neglected the fact that this was going on, where I kept feeling like I was being dis neglected in something I was looking for. And I approached it all wrong. And I'm definitely not proud of myself of how I did it because I love my husband and I never want to pull away. I never want to leave him alone, I never want to abandon him. Like, and I did. I definitely I like checked out. And it was abrupting to both of us, to where I was in this just nasty place, and he was in a very confused and nervous place on like what's going on. And it took me about two days of being in that place to start to try to open up and talk to him about what was going on, but it wasn't coming from the right place because I was in so much pain. I just wanted to let the pain out. Like I wanted to give it, and that's not healthy, and that's that's not okay. So we talked a little bit, it wasn't quite going well, and then we ended up stopping and we were gonna talk the next day. And and that time when we talked, it was coming from such more of a place of just wanting to, because the intention then was to connect because the emotions of that pain and rage I was stirring in kind of came out. And so I felt more clear on, oh, wait, my my intention is to connect, not to har not to harm. And it was just this whole storm I felt like I went through and I genuinely believe like this isn't working. I believe like we're not, we can't hear each other. We're not, this isn't working. Like what like I thought my life was over. I thought I was gonna be like, I thought we were gonna get a divorce, like I thought we were just done because of the place I had dropped into. And all of it is showing me my fears of communicating my needs, my fear of sharing that I have needs, being specific about the things that I want, not feeling like it's too much, to be very clear on what it is I desire and what I want, but standing in that and learning how to communicate myself from a place of truth and of not backing down and like how I'm truly feeling in intimidation of telling somebody, my partner, but also ensuring that it's coming from a place of love, not a place of hate. And it was coming from a place of like I was in hatred and rage. And it's not just about the my relationship with my partner that this came from. I was in real, I've been speaking to somebody who is involved with the sexual abuse in my past, trying to make the move on can we resolve this? And that has brought up so much rage and so much untapped pain. So it was that and the mixture of like what I've been neglecting about my own needs in my relationship that was just all coming up at the same time, and it genuinely was too much. I thought my world was ending, I thought I was dying, I thought I was about to have to start my whole life over, and I felt just awful. So going and getting this job, it was just before that where I felt like I had to. Like I felt like I was in so much fear, and I felt like my my financial status depended on or deter or um determined my worthiness or my success, like how much money I had. So I went and I was about to go, my husband took me, I was about to go apply at this one restaurant. And I was like, it looked like a deserted town. And I'm like, no, like we're I'm not going in there. This does not feel right. So we were coming back home and there's this restaurant right by our house. And I had tried applying there before, but they weren't hiring. And I'm like, you know what? I just I think I want to stop at that one again. I want to try again. So I walked in and I got a job right away. And I started working there. And at first I was like, wow, I am a loser. I'm a failure. I am not where I thought I'd be in my life. I'm 33. I'm back working at a restaurant. My new business in the first four months is not taking off. I am doing poorly. Like I've got nothing going for me. I was just in this place of like feeling so sorry for myself and just so afraid of everything. And I got this job, and at first, I, you know, I just felt down. And then the first few shifts I worked, I actually really enjoy it there. Like it's actually kind of fun. I'm on my feet the whole time, which I love. I'm moving consistently. I love that. I get to have short conversations with people and I love that. I'm good at like short bursts of information where I can like give a little and then walk away. You walk away with money in hand. The people there all get along. They had just gone through like a detox of all like the dramatic people that they either let go or walked out. So I'm coming in at a time. And all these restaurants I worked at before, I was in my trauma response. And I ended up having conflicts with people and needing to leave because I would, I would come into this like alpha, like I'm right place, and it was wrong. And this place is so like it's an opportunity to come into it with a different energy and to meet a different energy. And it's a different kind of environment so far. I mean, the beginning is just the beginning. But it feels good having money coming in. It feels good having a couple shifts where I'm devoting to something else. I'm having conversations with people about health. I'm inspiring people through wearing an aura ring that realize I like health and they're asking me questions. And it's a place for me to like serve the community in a way that I can't do for my house. People are seeing me as someone that's healthy. People are seeing me as someone that is more fit, see, seeing me that I have answers to questions they don't know. And it's not a place that I thought that I would be serving a community, but it is happening. And so I wrote in my Oshe Grows email, I think it was for that. No, it was in my Substack actually recently of perhaps God's way of utilizing me and using me is so much different than my own, that I have this idea on what I believe I need to be doing in order to be aligned or enough or impactful or have the like mission fulfilled. I don't even know. But God's plan is different than mine. And I really started to look at all the things that I think I need to do to be successful that I actually realize are not working, but I'm like trying to force. If I just stopped everything that I think I'm supposed to doing and I just followed what felt more of like what the need was for me, like I didn't want to go apply at a restaurant, but I I had a need for finances. My husband's job kind of goes back and forth on being unstable and we don't know what's happening in the economy. We don't know what's happening with our future. We want to try to move our house, move from our house this year and start a new life in another state and really change things. We're looking to really start life over in this new energy that we're in, in a new place where we're not in Michigan, where we don't have to endure a winter like this, where we can be with the sun all year round. We can have a farm and be able to grow vegetables and take care of ourselves differently. So we're in the process of starting to get ready for a new life where I feel like it's finally like our chance to live together in harmony in a way that we couldn't before because of the wounding that was so present in our relationship. And it really makes me question everything. It makes me question everything that I'm doing. It makes me look at everything that I think I need to do and where it's coming from, like the things I'm doing because I need to make money in my business versus, but is that really what's coming from my heart? Is that really what I want to share? Is that really what I want to create? And so there's just this whole like lifestyle redesign where I'm about to completely redo my website because I really want to get back into blogging and I love writing. I love sharing my perspective through writing. I feel like I can express myself well that way. And there's so many platforms, or there's a platform like Pinterest or Google that can drive traffic back to your website if you have a blog. And the website platform I use right now does not have a good blog. There's like it's it's just not designed for blogs. And so I'm realizing like maybe I really need to redesign how where things are operating from and how they're operating from, with just so much more intention in it. So I've I've had some milestones of some exciting things, and I've also had some serious breakdowns of things need to fall apart in order for the nude to rise. And that falling apart process is terrifying and scary, and there's an unknownness to it. There's also something that I'm learning about called the liminal space, which I've always learned or I've always said is the in-between space. It's not where you were and not where you're going, but it's in the in-between of that change. And learning how to hold yourself through that uncomfortability, that unknown space of things are not what they were, but they're not where they're going to be. I'm not landed, I'm not grounded in that newness yet. I'm like in the in-between of it arriving. And that place feels scary because it feels like there's nothing to hold on to, because there's not. It feels like there's no ground beneath you because everything's changing, because it is. And that's the place where we want to learn how to live a holistic lifestyle. Because that is how we will handle that kind of change, where we can pivot and we can shift and we can move in the direction without falling apart, to where we can on, we can lean on movement, we can lean on nutrition, we can lean on sleep habits, we can rely on the way we care for ourselves as the backbone and the crux to lean into when change is happening. We feel unsettled and unsafe because it's very triggering in the liminal space if you don't know how to do that, if you don't know how to care for yourself. By the way, I'm looking at the book. It's called The Art of Holding Space by Heather Plett. I opened up a page in that book the other day and I started to learn about that. I'm like, oh, this is good information. This is exactly what I do, but I don't know how to, I didn't know there was a word for it. The liminal space. Okay, my throat is starting to get pretty sore from talking, and I do have to work at the restaurant the next two days. I've got some client calls. I've got a seedlings call. I want to give you an update that this coming Thursday at 6 p.m., I am hosting in my Seedlings membership, which is my personal development membership for women. Who want to know who they are and understand themselves and just live more authentically, live more aligned, more intentionally. It is both a space for healing and a space for growth. We have live calls twice a month where you come together with me and the other women and we heal and grow and do the most amazing work together. This coming Thursday is the one and only heart-healing cacao ceremony that we will be working on healing judgment and self-criticism and self-blame and self-neglect and really learn how to look at ourselves and our needs and fulfill ourselves and fulfill our needs so that we can really feel more whole and connected and aligned and safe in our lives and feel more worthy and of value and beautiful and powerful. So I really invite you to come join. Your first week is free. Come join Seedlings, come join the live ceremony, 6 p.m. It's one hour. We drink cacao medicine. You don't have to have cacao, you can bring tea and we go through whatever is authentically, intuitively resonant in that moment. Sometimes we do meditations, we do a little bit of lecture where we go into some holistic teachings, we do some open share. Sometimes we do journaling, meditations, breath work. So just whatever the energy in the room needs for the healing based on the intention is what we work on. So come join. It's really exciting, it's really fun, it's really good stuff, it's really good material. And come hang out with me. Come hang out with me in real time. Try it out, try something new, get set, get outside of your comfort zone. All right, my dear. I will see you here next Monday. Don't forget to go over to Substack and subscribe. So you get my recipes, you get my amazing articles on how you can really heal yourself and take care of yourself. Wednesdays over on YouTube, I've got the new vlogs coming. I need to know somewhere you can you can respond and tell me like what should I do on Thursdays? I was kind of considering another podcast. I don't know though. Or, oh, I know what I'm doing on Thursdays. That is my second article. Tuesdays on Substack, I want to put out recipes, and Thursdays, I want to put out my like practitioner education material to help you like learn about nutrition and hormones and health and wellness and mindset and all the things. And then Friday, practitioner chat, where I share real life information from a practitioner's perspective that can really help you change your life. So so many good things coming. And then Sundays I have my OSHI Grows newsletter. We grow together. I'm gonna go drink some more tea and have a blessed Sunday. Just uh well, it's Monday for you, but I'm recording this the day before. Thank you for tuning in. Subscribe to this podcast if you haven't already. If you enjoyed it, this episode, go give me a five star. Helps me out. And I will see you back here on Monday. Bye, sister. Thank you so much, friend, for tuning into the Vibe Hire podcast today. If you loved today's episode, please share it with a friend. Leave me a review, and do not forget to subscribe so you never miss your Monday morning level up. For more tools, inspiration, and ways to work with me, visit VibeHirewithSarah.com. Until next time, keep rising, keep shining, and keep vibing higher.