#34 What It Takes to Build TRUE Confidence

Lacking confidence? You wont be after this!

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Tash

www.instagram.com/tashalankestercoaching

Em

www.instagram.com/emdiamondcoaching

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Mindset Meets Muscle. And in today's topic, it feels a bit personal for both of us because we're talking about something that is very close to our heart in becoming the most confident version of yourself. And not in the sort of cheesy wake up at 5 a.m., drink green juice. We mean like real deep down confidence, the kind that's built and shaped and tested and knocked down and rebuilt and then earn again. Because confidence isn't something you are naturally born with, and it's definitely not something you buy. It's built through the way you live and the people around you. And the promises you keep, not only to people, but to yourself and the uncomfortable things that you are willing to do. And honestly, so many people misunderstand confidence. They think it's loudness or certainty, but really I think it's trust in yourself and keeping the promises to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

We say that all the time, right? Like that's our definition of confidence is confidence is keeping the promises that you make with yourself to yourself. And one thing that I we really want to iterate is that confidence is not a personality type. And this is where I think a lot of people get stuck because they just think, oh, I'm just not confident. And that's it. And they don't, they don't realize that actually confidence is not something that anyone is born with, but it's something that we get from reps, right? Like with anything in life, it's almost like a skill, it's like a muscle that we have to train. Confidence comes with reps, patience, intention, and continuing to show up. And people view confidence as sort of an absence of security, but that's not actually true. Confidence is acting even when you feel unsure. It's about trusting yourself, trusting the process and figuring it out as you go. And I think a lot of the time it's just always knowing that, yeah, as long as I take the action, the outcome is going to show up for me no matter what. If I put in the effort, the effort's gonna be rewarded. And I know the process works. And just having that faith in it and in yourself, that's what really I think breeds confidence.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Yeah, absolutely. And I think if we look at us growing up, like we're both natural, we're both quite confident people right now. We can walk into a room, hold a conversation, doesn't matter what way, who you are, way from, whatever, and we'll be confident in what we're saying and the way we're approaching it. But there was a time that I was definitely not like that, you know? I was very nervous in my own skin. I was very doubtful in my own what I thought. And I think that has built up over time, just like a bloody brick wall, it comes brick by brick. Like by keeping promises to yourself, that is huge. When you start to say something like, I'm gonna wake up a little bit earlier and go to the gym, or have that sort of difficult conversation with yourself and sort of own up to things that you've been avoiding, and then actually follow through with it and actually do the things you teach your brain that you can rely on yourself and that builds confidence. So every time you follow through with something that feels a bit uneasy, it's you proving to yourself that your words mean something and that you have proof that you are stronger than you first thought you were, and that you've got that becomes self-trust.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

That is huge. I think the self-trust element, and really that's what confidence is. It's not sort of like this, I can just walk into a room and be loud, which is what I think a lot of people think it is. But actually, it's do you trust yourself? Do you trust that you are able to show up for yourself and do the small things like not snoozing the alarm when you wake up at five in the morning and not going back for that extra little bit of cookie when you know you don't actually need it and it's just mindless, and just having the trust in yourself that you're able to execute these little behaviors that's gonna build you up over time. And I think something with confidence as well, it's not like a blanket, I'm just confident, right? Like there's so many layers to it, and there might be like, for example, I feel very confident in myself, in who I am, and I'm so happy with who I am, but I put me in a big crowd of people where I have to assert myself. I am like, I just become the most unconfident, like insecure person ever. And I think it's like people can be confident in certain areas and not others. And I think that's also okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Do you know what's interesting about that though? Because I would look at you going into a certain room and I'd be like, no, she's confident. Because I would look at as a yeah, as an outsider, I would see like, no, actually, she's she's she's confident in this room. And whether you don't feel it or not, and it's really funny because I I've said it before, but my mum said something when I was younger about faking it till you make it. And I think that is massive. Because even if you don't feel the confidence, if you can kind of give off that I am confident, you will start to then end up believing it.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Yeah. Yeah, it's so true. And it's it's funny that you say that. It's definitely something that I'm trying to work on and actually put myself in those rooms because that's the only way that you're going to become more confident with doing the things that make you feel a bit insecure is getting the reps in, as we said. It's about repetition, it's about practice. You train it like a muscle. So actually, if you do feel unconfident in a certain situation, that doesn't have to be your narrative, it doesn't have to be your story, but you might have to put yourself in more of those rooms that make you feel uncomfortable. And that's how you build that confidence up. Otherwise, you're just gonna stay stuck. And I think, um, yeah, the element of fake it till you make it, like our brains are powerful. They believe what we tell them. So the more you, the more you tell yourself, yeah, I am confident, like I am able to do this, the more, the more you show up as that. And also remember that what we feel about ourselves, we feel a hundred times more than we actually like project to other people. So yeah, me like going into a room and being like, oh my god, I feel so nervous. Like this is just everyone can literally like see how much I'm uncomfortable. No one can see that. And also no one cares. No one's really looking at you because they're thinking about their own insecurities in that same moment. Um, so I think that's something that's really important to remember. And and we can kind of just use that as a way to almost just practice and think, actually, let me just like really be myself because no one's really looking at me. Like, no one really cares at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

I think, I think like a massive confidence barrier for people is going into the gym and like going into the gym without having anxiety. But I always say, like, everyone has started off and maybe as a beginner, right? Like everyone has walked through a gym floor as a beginner, and everyone has felt that like a little bit of anxiety and that little bit of, oh my god, am I doing shit right? Like in a gym floor, I can tell you now, more than what majority of people don't really know what they're doing, and they're feeling the same fucking way. Okay. So that's something that you do want to remind yourself as, is like Tash said, people are probably not concerned because they're feeling the same position or the same way. I think something else that we can touch base on is environment and like the people we surround ourselves with has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and our confidence. Our surroundings, I think, are underestimated on how much it can influence our feelings about the world, about ourselves. And if we're surrounded by negative comparison or people who gossip, and I guess people who almost don't challenge you in an area, it's going to affect your confidence because you're constantly choosing a negative environment rather than the positive one. So sometimes becoming more confident means actually choosing different environments and ones that do challenge you in a positive way that make you the best version of yourself, but also massively support you. Like they encourage you to grow rather than putting you down. And I'm sure at times we've all been friends with people who maybe haven't been the most positive influence in us that have made us feel like we're growing. Me and Tash will, without a doubt, big be each other's biggest type girl. Like I've got her back and she's got mine through and through. And that's why I like surrounding my time with her. I like being around people that make me feel great about myself, but also it's vice versa. And those people want me to succeed. They don't want to put us down. And putting around people that do that all the time is only ever gonna knock you.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Yeah, we really do feed off other people's energy. And we've said this before on a podcast, but you are a product of probably the five closest people that you surround yourself with. And I think that one of the most important decisions that you can make as to like shape your entire life is choosing your circle. Yeah. And choose your circle very wisely. I think if someone, it's so obvious when someone kind of drains or saps your energy or makes you feel a certain way, don't give them a lot of your time because that is going to bleed into you and how you view yourself and how you live your life and your success. I genuinely do believe that our success and our lives are shaped by the people that are around us. So if you have someone in your circle that is is sapping you, is an energy taker, is negative. Honestly, I would I would go as far to say is absolutely cut them out. You don't need to like end a friendship or do anything drastic. People come into our lives for what is it? A reason, a season, or a lifetime. If someone is meant to be in your life, like they will come back to you. So I'm not a believer of burning any bridges because what is the point in that? And that's just that's just extra negativity for no reason. But if someone is not serving you in that moment, you can distance yourself. Like that is totally okay. And if if you're meant to be and if you your energies align later down the line, bring them back into your life 100%. But you've got to be so careful about who you surround yourself with and being mindful of even, I would say I would go as far now today in the realm of social media, and we're always looking on the phone. Um, be careful with what you consume, what you watch, who you follow. These are all things that are going to bleed into how you feel as well. Um and what you are exposed to is going to shape you. So just be very mindful of what you consume. And I think we said this last week. We talked about how you can actually control your social media algorithm. So make sure you're actively choosing what makes you feel inspired. Look for, look for role models, right? Look for people who are better than you, further ahead of you, but are not going to make you feel like, why don't I have that? Like, why is that not me? Why am I am I feeling inferior? No, look for people that are ahead of you but are going to make you feel excited for what the potential is for your life. Because if they've done it, bloody so can you. And I think just making sure that you're really creating and curating your your environment to set you up for success and become the most confident version of you is so important. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Absolutely. I think that if we don't listen to the fact that we need to protect our peace, we can really destroy it. Something that I really like to think about with clients, but also just in myself, is the version of the person that I want to be, I embody. Like, who is she? Who is she when she wakes up? How does she approach the day? How does she go to the gym? What does she do in her life? Like, I'm not saying that she, you know, she runs across fields and, you know, dances all day long and has no work and no stresses because that's not realistic, right? But in terms of how she approaches her struggles, she approaches her stresses, how she approaches a room where she feels a little bit intimidated, how does she approach her daily routines? So you start embodying the identity of the person that you want to become. So instead of thinking like, I want to be confident, you start by being confident by acting like that person, acting like a person who does keep the premises, who does take care of themselves, who does step into discomfort. Because confidence isn't this thing that's waiting for you until you feel ready. It's like, you know, when you start, you know, a fitness journey. It's not just waiting when you're ready to do it. You just got to push yourself into that situation. It comes from proving to yourself that you can take action even when you don't feel ready. I think even I actually think confidence is built when we're going through really hard fucking times and we show up regardless. And that's how I feel like confidence built because it it proves to you you can do hard shit. You can do it when it's challenging, when you are lacking with sleep, when you are going through grief or stress from work or whatever it is that you can still show up for yourself. And that I think, if you embody that person, there's a never-ending, you will climb the mountain, you will get to the top.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Yeah, because it's almost, I mean, I don't know. There's never been a scenario where I have shown up to the gym where I really didn't want to go, or I have eaten my own meal prep over a takeaway that I really, really wanted, or I chose to go to bed early over a night out, or just any scenario where I did the thing that I knew was gonna move me towards my goals when it was not what I wanted to do, that I haven't felt a little bit proud of myself for that.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

Exactly. And that pride that you have and that feeling proud of yourself and making that hard decision in the moment for your long, the longer ver the longer term version of you that you're really aspiring to be, like you're gonna be proud of yourself for that. And that pride is going to build that confidence. And I think on the flip side of that, it's if you're choosing the thing that's gonna make you happy now, but actually is probably gonna be a detriment to you long term, the opposite is going to happen and that can slowly, slowly eat away at your confidence. But I think yeah, but it's it's easy to be proud, be proud of yourself when you show up when you don't want to. And that exactly, as you said, is it's how we are confident because like of course you are, of course you're gonna be proud. So something that I do want to talk about as well, and I think is really, really important to this topic is quick fixes. And we always say how much we hate this. And we live in a world that is so obsessed with quick fixes, it's like, what's the one thing that I can do to lose weight? What's the one thing that I need to do to grow my glutes or I don't know, just anything, right? People want the overnight transformation, but quick fixes rarely build real confidence because you're skipping the process. And as we said, confidence comes down to practice, it comes down to reps, it comes down to training, it comes down to having skin in the game. And if you get something overnight, you don't have skin in the game. You haven't identified with what you have because you're not used to having it yet. So the process is so important. This is where you develop that confidence. You develop the patience, the resilience, the discipline, the self-trust. And these are all things that encompass confidence. So I know as much as we always want to be like, I just want to lose 10 kg in two weeks, but actually that's not going to do anything for you in your mindset. And you're probably then not gonna stay there long term because you don't identify with that. You haven't actually put in the work, and you you're probably just going to revert back to where you were because genuinely that we always say this, but the body or like the physique or the aesthetic or the outcome is a byproduct and it just comes from the habits and the behaviors that you do day-to-day. But actually, when you get there by putting in the grafts and putting in the hard work, you actually realize that who you become along the way is so much more important than the outcome that you get. And I think it's so important to remind ourselves that the process is really where everything is created.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Right. You don't get confident by skipping hard shit. That is it. Like you get confident by moving through the things that really challenge you. And then you realize that you can do them, and that sparks a bit of like, fuck yeah, I've got this shit together. Like, I can actually accomplish stuff. And one thing people need to hear is you don't have to eliminate fear or doubt because that will be apparent in many people. Fear doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong, it usually means that you're stretching beyond your comfort zone. And we always talk about coming out of your comfort zone because that is where true growth happens. And yeah, there are going to be times where it's nerve-wracking and you feel uncomfortable and there is an element of fear, but really ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen? Like, confidence isn't about never having fear or never feeling fear or getting to a place where you feel like you are confident and never feeling fear again, because fear is gonna be apparent in anyone's lives. It's about trusting that you can handle it when it does show up, when fear does arise. And if you can push past that element of, I'm nervous, I don't really want to do this, remind yourself there have been times where you've been nervous before and you have always come out the other side. Nothing massively drastic has happened. The world hasn't exploded, no one's died, everything's carried on as it was. So there are times where using the fear as a bit of gas to drive a little bit faster, to push yourself a little bit more, and then feel that sense of accomplishment once you have pushed past that sort of barrier.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

I love that. One of my favorite quotes by Layla Hormosy is fear is a mile wide and an inch deep. So it looks like this massive, huge, overwhelming pool of fear. But actually, you step in and it's only an inch deep. Yeah. The thoughts of the fear and the anticipation of doing the thing is always so much more overwhelming and so much scarier than actually doing the thing. And once you are, once you're in it, once you're doing the thing, it really doesn't feel that bad. And the level of accomplishment and the level of pride that you have from doing that is so it outweighs the fear tenfold. And confidence really does grow fastest when we do expose ourselves to that, to a little bit of discomfort regularly. And it doesn't need to be like crazy things, right? It can just be a little bit of intentional discomfort each day that we know is going to move us way forward long term. Like we always say, do the little hard things day to day so you don't have to be faced with these like mountainous challenges down the line. Like if we take training, for example, training's hard. And it's it's like, of course, it's hard, but it's not impossible. And it is something that we can do almost every single day. If we didn't do that, we might face uh risk of osteoporosis down the line. We might fracture a hip at 70 years old and be bedbound and be close to mortality years and years and years before our time. That's that's bloody hard, right? That is that is a challenge that you will not be able to overcome. But if you if you do the little things like the training, like the eating well, like making sure that you go to sleep, the things that are hard but are not impossible, you are setting yourself up to live a much more comfortable life long term. So I really think that we should try and seek out a little bit of discomfort each and every day. And actually, long term, we're going to be in a much better position and we're gonna be living a far greater life. And you realize that actually you can handle so much more than you think day to day.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Guys, also touching base on the fact that confidence isn't linear, and there'll be some days where you'll probably feel unstoppable. Like you are pushing yourself and the outcomes are great and you're feeling incredible about it. And guess what? Just like anything in this life, there'll be other days where you feel like you've taken 10 steps back. That's fucking normal. You are fucking human, okay? Don't beat yourself up about that because ultimately it's just like fat loss. Fat loss isn't linear. Sometimes you step on the scale and you're 500 grams down, sometimes you step on the scale and you'll be a KG heavier. And guess what? It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or that the journey itself isn't working. Confidence, I guess, isn't about being on plan, off plan, just like dieting, just like being in fitness. It's about continuing to show up, even when self-belief sort of dips and consistency, not perfection. And that is everything. You have to remind yourself that perfection isn't real. If we are always striving for perfection, we'll feel a little bit disappointed. If you strive for an element of consistency, you'll always win.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

So if you're listening to this and you're thinking, I want to feel more confident, but I don't know where to start, focus on keeping small promises to yourself that feel uncomfortable but achievable. Put yourself in environments that support growth. Be very, very intentional and how you spend your time, who you spend your time with and what you consume. Surround yourself with those people that elevate you. Stop chasing quick fixes or short-term progression, right? It's not gonna happen overnight. The process is what really matters. And we need to embrace discomfort as opposed as opposed to avoiding it. And we really wanna make sure that we identify with that most confident version of ourselves. Get comfortable with who she is before, before you get there, because that is how. How we grow confidence. It's through the repetitions, it's through skin in the game, it's through showing up and doing the same thing again and again. And ultimately just trusting the process and trusting that you will get there. You're putting in the work for yourself, you will see the results.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

And just like fitness, confidence isn't a destination. Fitness isn't a destination. It's just something that we build over time. And the more you show up for yourself, the more you become someone that you trust and that you identify with. And that is the real fucking flex.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

And we're right here on this journey too. No one has it all figured out. Like anyone that you look at in terms of who you're inspired by, like everyone's in the same boat.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

We're all we're all fucked.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

No one's got any bloody idea, right? The the higher you go to the top, I think the more you realize everyone is just figuring it out as they go along. And I think that's kind of what makes the whole process seem more meaningful and everyone seems like more human because we are. We're humans at the end of the day. We're not perfect. We're just trying to bloody figure out the same thing, which is how do we live the best lives we can? No one has the answer, really. No.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

No. We'll we'll all figure it out one day. But thank you guys for listening to Mindset Meets Muscle. Please keep showing up for yourself and keep choosing growth. And becoming the strongest version of yourself mentally and physically. We'll see you on the next episode.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

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