188. Period Recovery 3 Times, Pregnancy Post HA and More w/ Elizabeth Evans

In this episode I chat with Elizabeth Evans about losing her period to hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA) three times, how she recovered each time, what living with no period is really like (and how it impacts your relationships!), her tips for TTC post HA, conception post HA and MORE! 

Find Elizabeth at:

Instagram: @elizabethevansss

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And I was eating like maybe 1200 calories a day when I'm running like eight miles. That is not that is not enough food whatsoever. And I remember being in my room like doing whatever it was and shaking and being so hungry and so tired. But if you looked at my body composition and I was doing like in-body scans and my fat got down to like 10%, which is extremely dangerous for a woman.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Especially 10% body fat. Like how did you feel mentally, emotionally, physically, all those things? But when you had HA in your marriage, I'm curious because I'm sure people are wondering how did it impact your relationship with your husband?

SPEAKER_00 0:40

That is such a good question.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

I'd love to hear if you have any tips around trying to conceive post-HA, because I know there's a lot of people listening where that's their exact goal. What was it like seeing your body change? That's like a topic that a lot of people have trouble with. Welcome to the Knight Fit Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Knight. I'm a running and strength coach whose primary mission is to help runners reach their goals and maintain their strength without sacrificing their true health. On this podcast, we talk about all things health and fitness so that you can stay up to date on some of today's latest research. I host inspiring guests, drop solo episodes where I explore pertinent topics and get to the heart of many of our questions around what it means to chase our fitness goals and prioritize our wellness. So sit back and get ready for an awesome conversation. Hey everybody, and welcome back to the Night Fit Podcast. Super excited to have you guys here today. Today I'm chatting with Elizabeth Evans for the second time. And today we're going to be chatting about pregnancy after hypothalamic amenorrhea, or as we commonly refer to it, HA. And Elizabeth has quite a story and has had HA a few different times. So we'll kind of dig into all those different things. But Elizabeth, thank you once again for joining the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here again.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Of course. Of course. I always start, as you know, by having my guests introduce themselves, share personal, professional, and then fun facts with us.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Okay. Um I never know where to start these introductions. Um let's see. I personally, I am currently living in North Carolina. My husband is in med school, and so we're here for a little bit, but would love to stay here as long as possible. We love it out here. Um I am a mom to baby Joshi and now our rainbow baby. And that's something that I started sharing on my Instagram is our story with infant loss and then what turned into a year of infertility and struggling to get pregnant. I also um have started to share more about HA, which we'll get into a little bit more here. And then professional, I don't really have like a professional job or anything. I studied marketing in college and I actually work at a baby boutique here in town and I love it so much. I get to use my degree, and then it's just it's a really fun job. Um, and now that I'm expecting again, it's fun to be around all the baby things.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

So yeah, no, I love that. And honestly, working at a baby boutique would be awesome. Um I feel like I'd want to buy everything. Um, so Elizabeth, how are you feeling right now? You're pregnant. Tell us about it.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

It's it's good. It's been a lot harder in every aspect than I expected. My pregnancy with baby Joshi was really a breeze. Nothing really about, well, it was a breeze in terms of like how I felt physically. He had tristomy 18. And so when we learned about his diagnosis, then it like um spiritually and mentally became really tough. But physically it was amazing. I was able to continue working out. Um, nothing really changed with my eating or appetite. Um, I'm a type one diabetic, and nothing changed there either. It surprised all of the doctors every single appointment. So, in terms of um physically being pregnant, it was so good and such a blessing. And so I kind of just expected that to happen again. I thought that's just how my body dealt with pregnancy, but this one is completely different. Um, I've struggled with a lot of nausea, I've thrown up a couple times and then just a lot of fatigue. Um, so changing a little bit of my everyday because it's so different. But overall, I'm just so grateful to be pregnant and to be growing another little baby in miracle.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

So yeah, no, it's such a gift, even in the pain, right? It's such a gift. Um, and something I think a lot of people don't know about pregnancy that haven't been pregnant is when we hear like morning sickness, they're like, Oh, it must be just in the morning. For me, I got nauseous at night. So are you kind of experiencing it all the time?

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Or yeah, I've um I think it was like weeks six and seven. So week five, I had a cold that lasted, it was a really bad cold and lasted all week. And being pregnant and sick is not, it's not fun. And then um, the nausea kicked in somewhere around there and it was really bad. Week six and seven, it was all morning and all night. And I'd wake up in the middle of the night and feel it, and it was it was just all day. And then week eight, which was like last week, it completely went away. And I was like, Oh, I must be out of it. And then we left to go see my family for like the weekend, and we came back in Monday morning.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

I woke up and threw up and the nausea is now back, but oh yeah, it gave you a little tease of disappearing, and then it decided, nope, we're gonna, we're gonna stay sick. Um, but yeah, no, okay. So I'm just glad, you know, to hear that you're feeling those things, but you're handling them as best as you can. It's all you can really do in pregnancy, but segueing a bit into your HA journey. So let's talk a little bit about that. So, do you want to tell us first of all, like your experience with health and fitness and kind of how you first got into that?

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Of course. So um, it all started in high school. I ran cross-country and track like in middle school and then in high school. And when I got to high school, it got a lot more intense. And it actually started my freshman year when it was like in the middle of cross-country season, I went to the like pediatrician for my um, I think like your wealth check, and I had to get a physical for the school. And the doctor, like, you get your height and weight, and I was technically a little underweight for my height, and I was really not aware of food whatsoever at this point. And the doctor brought up um how I should gain weight. She's like, I recommend that you eat a lot more food and you gain weight because I'm scared that you're going to lose weight with how much you're running. Um, and I have a very black and white mind. I think in the extremes, it's usually like it's one extreme or the other. And so I remember leaving that appointment. I'm like, I think I'm what, 14 or 15, whenever you're a freshman. And I'm like, mom, we need to go to the store and I need to buy all of this high chloric food. And I think I just naturally started eating more at the time because I was running so much and I was just hungry. I might have been going through a gross spurt. So I found myself eating more, but I was also like forcing myself to eat more because of what this doctor had said, and I didn't like question it whatsoever. I was just okay, like the doctor told me to gain weight, I need to gain weight. Um, anyways, that freshman year, somewhere in there, I had gained like 10 or 15 pounds, and I was also struggling with injuries. I just kept getting injured over and over every season. Um, I would have to either like dropped out of races or couldn't finish, like I wasn't finishing races, not doing all the training. I couldn't hit the same mileage that other girls on the team were hitting. Um and I had like I was thinking this, and then somebody else pointed out to pointed it out to me. They thought that I might be getting injured because I had gained weight pretty quickly. Um, and so I was in that same mindset of like, well, now I need to lose weight. And I was like, I don't look like the other people who I run with. A lot of the girls were more just like stick figure, like your typical like runner that you imagine. And I put on a lot of muscle and I put it on very quickly. And I don't know like what the weight was. It could have been a lot of muscle because I was running more than I ever had before. I was doing strength training as well, and so I don't know. My little mind didn't know really any of this. And so I started dieting, I think that sophomore cross-country season. I was like counting calories and tracking my food in weird ways that I'd seen on Instagram. Um, and I was eating like maybe 1200 calories a day when I'm running like eight miles. That is not that is not enough food whatsoever. And I remember being in my room like doing whatever it was and shaking and being so hungry and so tired. Um, so that was like on and off throughout high school. And then I um let's see, then it's my senior year, and I actually got a concussion. I usually runners do not get concussions, but I was running and it was muddy where we were running, and I ran through the puddle and I slipped and fell, and somebody's knee behind me like hit me in the back of the head. And I kind of blacked out for a second, kept running. I was doing so well, like this cross-country season. I had um I'd actually been fueling myself a lot more. Like this was when I had more of a healthy relationship with food, and then I get the concussion, I'm trying to run through it. I have a race the next day, I try to run through it, and um I like fell over in the middle of the race. Anyways, I have this bad concussion and I start looking into how food can help heal like your brain. Like, how can I speed this recovery up? Because the state meat was coming up, I was doing so well. I'd never been um running, had never felt so good before. And so I'm like looking into these natural ways of healing. Well, then I start getting very like anal about my food, and I had kind of and I had been like that before, but it had been even more intense. Um, I'm reading all of these things about what certain foods I should be having and implementing to help my brain heal. And then I kind of just kept going with that, and it hit a point where I remember my dad like came home from work and I'm like eating something, and he's like, You look so sick. I was like, I had lost so much weight. Like, as soon as the concussion hit, I feel like it did something in my brain or with my metabolism where I like lost weight overnight. It was really strange. Um, and I was eating a lot with the concussion, but I just lost so much weight. And at this point, I had not had a period. Um, my period had been on and off throughout high school. I'd get it every couple months. Um, I remember like seeing signs of ovulation. I didn't know that till years later, but looking back, I'm like, okay, I was ovulating. Um, I was having a period, and then um with the concussion, it had been a year since I'd um had a period, and I was about to go to college, and my mom's like, I think you need to get your period back. So she sent me to a dietitian. Um, and within two weeks of working with the dietitian, and it felt like a therapy session too, because I talked through all of the food rules I had had, the exercise things, um, things that other people had told me, names that I had been called as a runner because I had like a stalkier build. Like looking back, no, I was not stocky, but in my mind, I thought I was so much bigger than all the other people. Um, and I had been called names, and I worked through all of that with this dietitian. And then she looked at my diet, and at this point, I had tried being a vegan, and I wasn't having like any animal fats, I was having lots of like avocados, peanut butter, that type of thing, but no really meat or dairy. And she's like, I want you to add in dairy within just making that one change in two weeks. I got my period back. And so we kept working through all of my food rules and like introducing new foods again, and I worked through so much of that. And so then I got to college and I kept working with her. Um, and I just started eating however I wanted to, and I was introducing all new foods I hadn't had in years, and I gained 15 pounds that freshman year of college, and I was having a regular cycle every 28 days, um, like clockwork. And so then when I went home for Christmas and I went to the doctor, they weighed me and I saw how much I had gained because I hadn't weighed myself in a while. I freaked out and I started to go back into the food rules, and I struggled with that for a few months, and then I met my now husband, and it felt like for the first time ever, all of those food rules just went away. And I was eating like completely normal. We would go out like we got gelato one time, and I was like, I haven't I haven't had gelato in years or any type of ice cream, and I just it felt so um natural, and I didn't really care how I had looked, and um my exercising felt natural. Um and then I was having a regular period all throughout dating and when we were engaged, and then we got married. This was all within like a year, and then after we got married, um I we were in college and we had like the summer, and I wasn't taking any classes, but I had an internship and it was remote, and so I was working at home and I was um feeling very like flustered just with the life change and then also being at home all day is like I need to get out. What's something that I can do to get out? Well, I'll go to the gym, and so then I started going to the going to the gym and counting macros and tracking food, and all the food rules came back that I had had everything that I felt like I had worked, um worked on for for so long, it kind of unraveled and I fell back into the old habits and patterns and I lost my period for a year. Um, we were trying to have a baby, and I was going to doctors, and they were telling me to um like try medicine. They were checking hormones, but I had really no knowledge about hormones at the time with like reproductive health and all of that. And so I was hesitant about taking the medicine though. They would put me on progesterone and I wouldn't have any cycle. And so now I know that's like the progesterone challenge or something. And now I know that my HA was really bad at the time, but I couldn't like come to terms with it because I felt like, well, I'm still eating healthy and I'm exercising, I'm doing what I should. I technically wasn't underweight because I had so much muscle at the time, and so they like looking at me, you wouldn't think I'm like underweight. But if you looked at my body composition and I was doing like in-body scans and my fat got down to like 10%, which is extremely dangerous for a woman. You should not be anywhere near 10%. Um, but I didn't think anything of it. I was like, oh, like you can just see on my muscles, um, that I was killing myself and then just that like physical stress, but then mentally, I was working three part-time jobs, I was in school full-time. It was, I was just so anxious, and every part of my life felt like it was running a million miles an hour. I wasn't sleeping well at night because I was so anxious during the day. And then um, there was some point where I was like, I need to fix this. I haven't had a period, I feel horrible all day, every day. And so I started going to a therapist. I started reading about HA and I started to implement the things that my dietitian had taught me like two years earlier, um, and just started learning more about it. And within, I think, two months of making those changes, I ovulated and got pregnant with our baby boy. Um, and that was a miracle. I had not had a period which made it very confusing for all the doctors, but we ended up getting pregnant and I um he ended up having trisomy 18. So I carried him for eight months and he passed away during labor. And then after he passed away, I well, during the pregnancy, I was very aware of all my food rules, my insecurities, my relationship with food and exercise. And I was like, Okay, I can't fall back into these old habits and these patterns. So I had that in the back of my mind of like, okay, I need to be super aware of all of this. And so going into postpartum, I was trying to be aware of it, but I think between the grief of our loss and kind of just the anxiety and depression that followed, um, my coping mechanism was exercise. That's something that I felt like I could turn my brain off and I could put my energy somewhere. And then I also fell back into some old habits with food because I love I love to cook. That's a like a passion of mine and a hobby. I love cooking and like creating recipes and I love eating good food, but with that came excessive control and um yeah, just a lot of control and a lot of like mind power going towards every like all of my food. And so between the undereating with the anxiety and depression, the like tight control over my food, and then over-exercising um and just the like stress of grief, I lost my period and we wanted to have another baby. And when we moved out to North Carolina, I started seeing a new doctor. Um, he put me on letrazole and progesterone to like induce a period and then try to force my body to ovulate. And we did that for four months. In the last month, we tried a trigger shot, which like really forces your body to ovulate. We would do, we would check my progesterone, and it would technically be like, oh, you ovulated, like an ovulation level, but um it really wasn't like an optimal progesterone level to support a pregnancy, and I knew that, but when I brought it up, um, I felt like I wasn't really taken seriously or like understood, and that's a hard dynamic to follow as well. But after the last month, I felt horrible on all the medicine, so I decided to stop doing that and I was like, I'm gonna get pregnant naturally, even if it takes a lot longer. I need to heal my body so that it can carry a baby on its own. Because if I'm taking this medicine and it's not working or I'm not even getting a high enough progesterone level, there's a deeper issue to this. My problem isn't that I'm not ovulating, it wasn't that I was having periods and wasn't ovulating, it was that I wasn't getting a period. And that was the problem. And so my goal completely shifted to I need to work to get my period back. If I can work to get my period back, then I can work on ovulating and then work on getting pregnant. And so I knew it might take a lot longer because doing things naturally often does, but um, within uh what three cycles on my third cycle, um recovered, I got pregnant. So that's a brief but long overview of my history with HA and periods and all of that.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

That was amazing, Elizabeth. Thank you for the detail and explaining the whole story. I um was jotting down some questions, like micro questions, as you shared your story. And um, if anyone hasn't listened to Elizabeth's first episode, she talks about her pregnancy with baby Joshi. If anyone's interested in that, definitely go listen. Um, but when you had HA in your marriage, I'm curious because I'm sure people are wondering how did it impact your relationship with your husband? And um, did it impact your relationship?

SPEAKER_00 20:25

That is such a good question. So it it did. That's when I started going to therapy, is when I realized it was affecting our marriage and just my relationship with myself and other people. Um I I want to like preface like I was I didn't fall back into those habits because I felt like I wasn't loved or I didn't feel pretty, or I um, I don't know, like I didn't feel like adequate enough. I think that that's something that I struggled with like when I was younger, like not maybe being liked by people. Um, I I never felt like that and my actions were never driven by like anything, like my husband never said or did anything to like drive me into those behaviors. Um I think like he was very he was aware of it and he was very gentle and loving with me. He's he's such a good listener, and I think that's a very healthy dynamic. You want somebody who's aware um and is going to love and support you and like not fall back on judgment because a lot of people, I feel like unless you're going through it, you might not understand, and a lot of the behaviors might seem very strange, but he's somebody who understands me and understands how my brain works just because I have struggled with chronic anxiety and depression like my whole life. And so I think a lot of the tendencies are very similar. Um, but it it affected our marriage in terms of like I was becoming very short, I was really grumpy because I wasn't eating enough. Um, I was very obsessed with how I looked, and it wasn't really for us. Other people, it was how I viewed myself. Um, and so I felt like I was becoming more selfish and I wasn't aware of his needs and other people in my life's needs because I was so consumed with how I looked and what I was eating. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

I relate to so many things you just said. Um, when I had it and I was we were engaged, right? And then I had it for the first part of our marriage. It's absolutely it impacts your dynamic. It's and that's one thing I don't think people realize is that when they're in it, it's impacting not just you, but everyone around you. Um yeah. And I want to know how did you physically feel on a day-to-day basis? Like when you had HA and especially 10% body fat, like how did you feel mentally, emotionally, physically, all those things?

SPEAKER_00 22:48

I don't think I realized how bad it was until I was out of it. I was so tired, like absolutely exhausted, and I was only running on stress and cortisol. And I didn't realize that. I thought the only way to live was if you were stressed. Like if I was driving, I was like, I have to be so aware because what if somebody like pops out or I don't know, cuts in front of me? I need to be stressed because if I'm not stressed, I'm going to like miss something. And so that's how I lived. Like from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep, I was just chronically stressed and chronically anxious. And I that takes a toll on you mentally because your brain is it never gets a break. Even when I slept, I didn't get a break, and that was impacting my sleep. I'd wake up a few times a night and I was only getting like five hours of sleep. So to already be getting little sleep and then not quality sleep, um, that affected my mood, my energy. I physically felt drained and I just kept pushing my body because I would never give myself a break. I felt like I had to hit all of these goals in my mind or I failed. And then I was always hungry. I never let myself eat. And then if I did eat, it was like really low fat, low calorie foods, high protein. Because I thought, well, I need high protein. I and I would never let myself eat carbs. Um, there were just it just takes such a toll on you in every every aspect.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

Yeah, it really does. And you described it perfectly. It's like living in a state of chronic stress constantly and getting used to it, like not realizing, wait, this is not the normal way to live. Um, and you mentioned, you know, when you were grieving that this was kind of a coping, and then you went to therapy. Um, and I'm curious, what are some ways that you learned to cope with grief and not only that, but stress and those things, whether it was strategies you learned in therapy or just techniques that you started practicing in your everyday life that kind of helped you navigate away from these tendencies?

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Yeah, so I started going to therapy in February of 2024. So this was a couple months before I found out I was pregnant, and that's kind of the peak of when I realized I have a problem and I need to get this under control. And I went to somebody who's called a psychotherapist, and she specialized in EMDR, which is kind of like a trauma-based therapy. And I had a lot of trauma that I hadn't worked on, or like, yeah, I haven't, I hadn't worked through a lot of trauma in like my younger years and then a previous years before. And so that I think was driving a lot of my behaviors um and also contributed to my anxiety. And so working through all of the things I had been holding on to, even things I didn't realize were there, um, really helped. And I think just going to a therapist like was the biggest thing. And then I was able to gather like skills and tools to put in my toolbox so that if I was in a situation I could pull those out and it could help me in the moment instead of like just chronic, like working through the chronic anxiety. Um, some of those were just breathing techniques, some it got to the point where I could sit in a car and just look out the window and I didn't have to be doing something. I could sit in class and just pay attention to the lecture and I didn't have to be doing something else because I thought I always had to be productive. And so working on like perfectionism and um productivity and not finding my worth in certain things or like a to-do list, that really helped. And so yeah, working on some triggers and then just some tendencies that I had um turned to to like make myself feel better was huge.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Yeah, no, type A personality, it's very common with HA or okay, yes. And then when you started to heal your body, you know, you mentioned you had 10% body fat, you were super strong, built. How did you change? I'm sure people listening are like, okay, so how was she exercising first? How did she start exercising? And then we'll talk a little bit about food and cooking and those things, but let's start there.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

Yeah, so with the 10% body fat, I was working out like one to two hours a day at the gym, but that did not include what I did at home. So I would go and I would walk for hours. I would run for not hours, but I would go on runs throughout the day because I was stressed. And a way that I dealt with my anxiety and stress was walking or running. And my therapist at the time was actually like, that makes a lot of sense because the EMDR therapy is um you hold these like little tapper things and it's a vibration and it vibrates in one hand and then goes to the other. And the person who created it, um, I think they were a runner, and it was like the tapping motions of your feet is similar to like the vibration that I would do in therapy. And she's like, that makes so much sense. Like when you're stressed or anxious, you go on walks or runs because in my it helped me feel less anxious, like just the movement. And so anytime I felt stressed or anxious, I would turn towards exercise. And so that would look like getting up at 4:35 in the morning to go work out before my day started. And then that would look like walking or running throughout the day to relieve the stress and anxiety that would um inevitably come up. And then when I realized that I needed to heal like all of these relationships with myself, it turned into sleeping in. I wouldn't wake up to work out anymore. Um, I think I would work out in the afternoon if I did, and it wasn't as much or as intense. I stopped going to the gym. I realized that I had this relationship with the gym where if I had access to heavy weights, I would like I would lift those heavy weights, or I would go try all the machines, or I would think of an exercise that I wanted to do and it would just keep happening and snowballing. But if I was at home, I only had the small weights that I had access to. I wouldn't be tempted to go lift the heavy weights, which I feel like isn't a problem that a lot of people either have or talk about. Um, but I knew my I knew my limits and my weaknesses, and I knew that I needed to stay in control. So if I worked out, it was at home in my living room with like 15-pound dumbbells. So I changed that. I was running at the time. Um, my husband and I signed up for a Ragnar. I ended up not running the Ragnar because I got pregnant, but we started training for that, and I was, I'm actually very proud of myself that I was able to get like I was able to ovulate and get pregnant, even though I had been running. But it was, I would get up and I would run and I wouldn't walk the rest of the day. Like my exercise was the run. Um, and I was eating a lot more carbs. We might get into nutrition a little bit later, but that was another thing was increasing how much I was eating and fueling myself before workouts and not doing things fasted.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Yeah, I think that's super important and kind of the distinguishing thing of you take away the triggers for you, right? Like the gym or like for some people, it might be running. So you get rid of your GPS watch or whatever it is, um, and you focus on things that are not triggering to you. So just like moving around the house or doing some light, something light. And it's also good to hear that you did keep some movement in because I think it can be very daunting to people to go through this process and eliminate absolutely everything, especially when it's a great coping strategy for stress. Um, so I think that's awesome. So I would love to talk about the food, especially someone who loves to cook, right? And you mentioned you get very controlling over that. How did you find ways to cook for pleasure and joy and for camaraderie? And how did you re-like wire your brain to do that?

SPEAKER_00 30:49

Yeah, so the I have like three times I've healed from HA. The second time was in college, right before baby Joshi. I just started eating more and eating breakfast. So it was like instead of living off of pre-workout until lunch, because I would have pre-workout before I worked out, and then I wouldn't eat till lunch. This time I was waking up and eating breakfast. I started eating like leftover dinners for breakfast. Um, really just I increased my carbs. I was eating rice, which is something I hadn't had in years. So it was just overall increasing my volume, and then I was adding in animal fats again, which is something my dietitian taught me the first time. And so with those few changes, I um ovulated within like two months. The most recent time I've recovered, um, which is right before I got pregnant with this baby. I um I didn't talk about this in the previous question, but I actually stopped working out for two months. Um, I kept like daily walks, but I stopped lifting weights because that just felt like the right thing to do. Um, and I wanted to get it back as quickly as possible. So I kept the daily walks, but stopped doing any weights and then slowly introduced that once I got my first period back. And with food, I I kept cooking. Um, it helped that the the time in college, I was actually taking a cooking class like as an elective, and there were lots of foods that I wouldn't let myself eat that I got to actually cook and eat. Like I remember one was biscuits and gravy, and it was made with like pork sausage, and I would have never let myself eat that before because it's too high in fat or um it has too many carbs. But I made biscuits and gravy and I loved that meal. It was so good. And I just remember like I've really enjoyed um cooking, and then this past time I completely got rid of all of the food rules and I let myself eat whatever I wanted. Um, I was eating like dessert and treats before bed and um having like three full meals a day and eating snacks whenever I wanted, and I tried to let go of the control a little bit more. My husband will cook in the kitchen. I think I've heard from you like have your partner make a meal. Um, and we haven't done that, but like we cook together, and I'm not like analyzing every single thing he's using or how much oil he's using. It's just you cook the meat and however he cooks it, like that's what you eat. Um yeah, so I think just finding that joy in the kitchen again without feeling like you have to have so much control. Um, and then I've really learned how to like listen to my body. So instead of feeling like I have to eat everything or I'm never gonna get this again, um, it's I've really learned how to eat until I'm full and just stop. I even if I have a couple bites left, I don't have to eat all of that and I've never experienced that before. Um, and it feels so freeing to be able to really eat whatever I want and not have to feel like I have to eat all of it.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

Yeah, food freedom is undeniably, it's amazing, right? It changes your whole life, especially your relationships and your spontaneity and your ability to say yes to things. So yeah, I love that for you. Um, what was it like seeing your body change? That's like a topic that a lot of people have trouble with. And I know, especially if you were in the strength space, a really strong, what was that like for you?

SPEAKER_00 34:17

So, this most recent time, I read a book called No Period Now What. And they it's completely um written around HA. And one of the things that they recommended was to wear like stretchy pants, like to not wear jeans or tight-fitted clothing. And I don't really, I really love my athleisure wear, and I love wearing like pajamas and comfy clothes. Um, and so that's something that I felt like really helped was wearing like my Lululemon sweatpants or um like comfy sweats. It wasn't I wasn't wearing like maybe as many jeans or um some of my smaller clothes. I just naturally went towards the ones that I knew I had more room in, so then I wasn't reminded that I was gaining weight. I um when I started working out again, like slowly introducing movement, I wasn't working out in front of a mirror and I wasn't like working out in like my tight workout clothes. I didn't really start doing that till the very end because it reminded me that I had gained weight, but I kept the goal of like I know this is worth it, and I know that I'm going to gain weight and my body's going to change when I have a baby, and I just knew that that couldn't hold me back. That the gaining the weight and seeing my body change couldn't be the reason that I'm not working on this and I'm not working towards getting my period back and having a baby, and so that overall goal kept me going, even though it was really hard. I um I wasn't fitting into my jeans anymore. And so my mom actually took me shopping and we got a few pairs of jeans that did fit me and that I felt good in. Um, and so wearing, so getting new clothes that fit me and help me feel like confident in my um new size, that really helped me. Um, my husband was such a good support and was such a good cheerleader, and he would always um tell me like I'm beautiful, or he would encourage me to eat um and to cook things that maybe made me uncomfortable. He never made me feel bad about anything, even if I was having a hard day or um had a hard time with my body, he would remind me um of our overall goal, or he would um, yeah, he was just such a good support. And I think having people in your life like that is really helpful. I remember getting a having a picture taken in front of the Christmas Christmas tree at Christmas and the pajamas that my mom got for the family, I didn't like how they fit me, but she would tell me, like, no, you look beautiful, like you look healthy. And having people like my husband and my mom who would remind me that I looked healthy and that I was healthy and reminded me of what I was working towards was really helpful too.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

Yeah, your tribe is everything, like it's literally everything, and having those people around you who remind you that you look, like you said, healthy. I think we get so stuck in this body dysmorphia state where we forget what healthy actually looks like. Yes. Yeah. And I love that you went shopping. I think everyone who goes through this process, you deserve to have things that make you feel good and confident and fit you appropriately. And it's not a bad thing to need to size up. I think people are so afraid of that.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

And I think not holding on to maybe clothes that you're like, well, maybe one day they'll fit me again. Right. I think that that's hard and that's just a constant reminder. Like with this next baby, I have a lot of like organizing and purging to do, but I have a lot of clothes that I used to keep because I'm like, well, when I'm this small again, I'll be able to wear it because I wore it at one point, but my body's different. I've this is now my second pregnancy. I've had I've healed from HA and I hope I never have to like heal from it again. I really want all the changes that I've made to just be like permanent changes, but I think holding on to things that remind you of like maybe how small you used to be or just old habits and patterns isn't very helpful and can be a hard reminder because I think it kind of puts in your mind that this is like a temporary thing.

SPEAKER_01 38:45

Yeah. Spot on, spot on. And you don't need to keep because you don't need to go back to that, right? And I think that's something that you don't need to go back to that body, find the body that's most sustainable for you and that your body actually wants. But Elizabeth, a huge part of this conversation too is finding out you're pregnant. What was it like to find out after going through HA recovery for the third time and doing it in a way where you know you're doing it naturally, it wasn't using the doctor or the provero challenge. What was that feeling like? And how are you, you know, embracing pregnancy again?

SPEAKER_00 39:20

It was so surreal and it's still very surreal. It does not feel um, it doesn't feel real or like it's happening. Um every month that I had my cycle, so like the first one was like 62 days, and then the next one was 38 days, and then my third cycle that I got pregnant on, um, it would have been about 37. And so my goal was to shorten my cycle. Um, like once I got it back, I wanted to get it as regular as I could because I knew that would increase my chances of getting pregnant. Um so when I when I found out I was pregnant, it was like the most surreal feeling because we had been waiting, it was exactly a year after we had started trying for a rainbow baby that I ovulated. So it's like exactly a year of trying for this baby that I found out I was pregnant, and it was just the most like miraculous feeling. Um, knowing that we waited um what felt like so long. I know so like so many people, my heart goes out to the people that who like who have to wait years um for their baby or their babies they they don't come. Um because it the year that we went through this after loss was the most like grueling year of my life because we were grieving the loss of our baby, and then we were grieving like our fertility. Um, and I was grieving that my body wasn't working. And so to get that positive pregnancy test, it was it felt very like relieving. Um I am not naive to the reality of being pregnant after loss, and so um it still feels a little scary. I have a lot of anxiety around it, um, but we're really taking it one day at a time, just like the early stages of grief was one day at a time. I feel like this journey of pregnancy after loss is one day at a time, and just trying to be patient and take it all to God.

SPEAKER_01 41:17

Yeah, and anxiety, you know, I I've had anxiety in my life as well. I'm also someone who's been anxious much of my life. Um, it's so hard, and um, especially pregnancy anxiety, and I can't imagine after loss. How are you coping with that? What are some strategies that you found to kind of get through those days where you're feeling a bit more anxious?

SPEAKER_00 41:39

Yeah, um I have a very like personal relationship with God, and it's been something that's you know built over my entire life. And there were things that I have felt or like been told, or words that come to mind in prayer over the last year or even two years, like even when I was pregnant with our last baby, um, that have really carried me, like feelings from heaven that have stayed with me over the last like two years that just kept that kept me going during our struggles with fertility, and then also um that helped me now. Um heaven is so close, and if we like reach out, we we can feel it. And so that helps me most. Like when I when I'm anxious and I start to spiral, if I remind myself of those experiences or um turn to prayer or turn to Christ, those those experiences will like flood my mind and kind of push out those doubts and that fear. I think my perspective has completely changed with our last experience, um, knowing that it really is all in God's hands and putting it all in God's hands and really turning to him and putting my trust and faith in him really, really helps like relieve that burden because he's the one that carries it. And so a lot of times it's easier said than done. But I feel like just with time and practice, um, I can turn my mind towards like the light and the good instead of all of the fear and anxiety, because that is an endless hole that I could go down. But it doesn't leave me feeling any better.

SPEAKER_01 43:24

So yeah, no, faith has been huge in my life as well. And I think if you have a faith and you're listening, it's such an amazing outlet. And um if you don't, it's something to think about, or your spirituality and things like that, giving your fear away to something so much greater than you is just there's nothing more powerful than that, right? And finding peace in that. Um so yeah, and I'd love to hear if you have any tips around trying to conceive post AJ, because I know there's a lot of people listening where that's their exact goal. So, do you have any tips around it, things that you implemented, stuff like?

SPEAKER_00 44:00

That yeah, so the very first thing that I wanted to do um after stopping the medicated cycles was monitor my hormones at home because I know that I spiral and I know that I think in the extremes, and so but if I but if I could have like data every day that was keeping me like on track or could point me like that my body's working or the things that I'm doing are helping because if you don't have that data, I feel like daily or weekly, it can get really frustrating very quickly because you because how getting a cycle and recovering a cycle, it could take you know a couple weeks, it could take a couple months, depending on like the severity of it. And so I knew that I needed peace of mind. And so I looked into some fertility monitors and I actually um started using anito, which I know you love as well. And that was so helpful to have every morning I would look at the data, and from there I was able to make some small changes. So, like I think the second cycle, I it looked like I was going to ovulate later. And I was like, okay, well, why is this? And I was able to take a look at my diet and I was like, okay, I think I've slacked on the carbs a little bit. I'm a type 1 diabetic, and so sometimes eating carbs can be hard and scary because of your constant monitor monitoring with your blood sugar and knowing that carbs directly affects your blood sugar, um, and that can just make diabetes sometimes a little bit more complicated. And so I realized I had I hadn't been eating as many carbs as I needed. Well, as soon as I started increasing my carbs, and that's another reason why I feel like having a support system is huge because I told this to my mom and she was like, Yeah, you need to eat more carbs. And just having that was so impactful because the next like week I would wake up and instead of going for maybe some eggs for breakfast, which is like obviously lower carb, I went for oatmeal. And every morning I was like, Okay, I'm not hungry. But hearing that like my mom's voice in the back of my head, like, okay, you need to eat more carbs, or just the encouragement from my husband to eat more carbs, like maybe at lunch or dinner or before bed, that was so impactful and just kept reminding me because it wasn't just me, it was other people helping me um carry on. And so having that fertility having the fertility monitor to help kind of guide my decisions or help me like backtrack and figure out what I need to change really helped. And then within like a week of increasing my carbs, I saw my um, I think it was my estrogen one up and then my LH went up and I ovulated. And so I love the fertility monitor, but I really did a lot of research into HA. I listened to tons of podcasts. I read the book No Period Now What. And I've read a lot of books, but I feel like that one's very comprehensive view of what HA is, and then it gives you some pointers and tips on how to how to heal, and then also just like mentally healing from HA. Um, so I increased like carbs and fat. I stopped counting things, I didn't pay attention to the food rules and how they'd come in, but you have like I had to work through those and break them down and you know overcome those. It I'd eat at any point during the day. I would eat breakfast even if I wasn't hungry, but then I trained myself where I woke up and I was really hungry and I wanted breakfast. And so I think just staying consistent with those small changes made a huge difference. I this time that I healed, I stopped working out for two months. So like I didn't, I kept walking, um, just like easy walks to keep me like moving, but um, I wasn't doing anything strenuous, I wasn't doing any weights. Um, if I felt like I really needed to work out, like get my wiggles out, I would do some squats. Like it was very like low impact things. If I really felt like I needed to move, I started sleeping a lot more. Like I really prioritized rest. Um I what else did I do? Oh, um we got rid of some like this is like on a little bit of a deeper level, but there were some toxins that we were being exposed to um in our last house, and we actually had to move. And I think that was really impacting um my fertility and my stress because when we caught when we moved, I immediately felt better, like headaches were going away, um, like a brain fog that I had completely lifted. And so I think if you're being exposed to some like very toxic chemicals, then maybe looking at that just on a deeper level, um, because whether or not you have HA, that could be affecting your fertility as well. Um I would get outside every day, like to one, like just get fresh air, but also I think the sunlight. Um, and then I was just on a deeper level, and I share a lot of this on my Instagram, um, getting in some like to detailed things to help um my body. My I don't know if you've talked about this before. I think I've heard it on your podcast, but like cholesterol can increase with HA. And my cholesterol, like this is the very beginning of when I was trying to heal it, it just skyrocketed and to a level like I've never had before. And it was very, and I get all my blood work done yearly. And so with that, and then also my thyroid, like my TSH was high, which that's just that can be associated with miscarriages. So, like with some of the blood work, I took that into account and would do research in addition in addition to the HA um to help like some other things in my body.

SPEAKER_01 49:45

But yeah, no, for sure. It sounds, you know, as you're listening, all these things, these are all good things to do, regardless of trying to conceive, right? Like actually taking care of your body, getting sleep, doing a little bit less, but especially important if you are trying to conceive, because I do think trying to get pregnant requires a different level of femininity, femininity, um, than just living your normal life. And I think there's a lot of women too, who, like you and I, are more type A, want to do these really hard things, but that's hard for your body to do at the same time as trying to focus on growing a new life and implantation and successful um pregnancy. So I think it's it's really tricky. And I think you shared some amazing tips there. Um, so as you're thinking about being pregnant now and all those things, um, how are you enjoying the process of pregnancy? How are you kind of looking forward to the future while also being present and taking it one day at a time? Just tell us about how it's been so far.

SPEAKER_00 50:45

Yeah, um it's been really hard because last time I was pregnant, I was completely consumed with what our reality looked like. And we knew that our baby was going to pass away. And so I really like I really lived in the moment with him, but I was also living in this fear that it could end at any moment. And so I feel like I've carried that fear again into this pregnancy, just the fear of thinking or knowing that it is possible that it could end at any moment. And so I'm trying to change that perspective and knowing that the last baby's life is not this baby's life. They can have, you know, different outcomes, it can be different. Um, it's been hard because like my last pregnancy, I didn't want it to end. I never, I never wanted that pregnancy to end in this time. I don't want it to end, but I keep like saying, I just want the baby here, I just want them in my arms. Um, and I've struggled just with that mindset a lot, like, oh, like when this happens, this will be better, and kind of like moving the goalposts. But I try to bring myself back into reality and trying to just take it day by day and enjoy every moment. Um, sometimes that's again easier said than done. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:01

Yeah, no, I think that's wonderfully said. And I think being where your feet are is all great in theory, but very difficult to actually implement, right? Um, it's just really tough. But Elizabeth, to kind of wrap it up, um, I'd love to hear any advice you have for people either that have HA or on the other side of it and trying to conceive and just your tips around that kind of experience because it's not easy to navigate.

SPEAKER_00 52:26

Yeah, it's so difficult, especially because the outcome of ovulating and getting a period, it can take it feels like it can take so long, and you don't like see it until it's there and you've like reached that point. Um that's why I love the for like the fertility monitor and tracking my hormones. But I think just staying consistent, even though you don't see the outcome, like, or you're not going to see the outcome and you don't know when it's going to happen, but you need to like you need to stay consistent even if you don't see the changes. And then when you do start to see the changes, not to get discouraged because it can be really hard when you see your body start to change and you see yourself gaining weight, um, but you aren't getting your period, or you're not getting pregnant yet, because I was seeing my body change and I kept seeing myself gain weight, and it would get frustrating and I would get discouraged, and I wasn't getting pregnant, but I tried to keep like a small goal in mind. So if I or reminding myself of the success. So, like my first cycle that I got back and I wasn't pregnant, it was a little upsetting because that happened like with the first with baby Joshi, I ovulated and I got pregnant on the first cycle. And I know some people have that experience, and it didn't happen this first cycle. And so I was like, okay, well, let me try to shorten my cycle. Let me try to ovulate a little bit earlier, and I would kind of just change that goal because it felt a little bit more like obtainable, or I just need to stay consistent with these changes so that I can ovulate again and that I can, you know, have another shot. And so kind of taking it month by month because hopefully you're getting a cycle almost every month, or that should be the goal, is to get them consistent. Um, reminding yourself of, okay, well, I got the first period. I did ovulate, my my body's working and carrying that momentum into the next cycle was really helpful and kept me like a little bit like um it made it feel more obtainable instead of thinking about like, oh, like when I get pregnant, well, I don't know when that's gonna happen. I don't know how long I'm gonna be waiting. And so if I can keep it on like a week to week or month by month basis, and I think seeing my hormones change was really helpful and helping me stay consistent, or even if you can take like the OPK tests, I feel like that can be encouraging just to see that your efforts are kind of paying off. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:57

No, for sure. And I think as humans too, we inherently were motivated by progress. You know, that's why people, even when they get to their weight loss goal, they're like, well, I want to keep losing weight. And like this is why inherently as humans, that's like a problem we have. But that's also a great way when you're going through something is to focus on the progress as opposed to where you want to end up. So when trying to conceive, right, instead of being constantly let down because you're not at the goal yet, focus on the progress you're making. And every day and every week, like you said, um, being where you are with what you've already achieved and the fact that you did just ovulate and have a great cycle. Okay, let's do it again, let's go through that process again. Um, and I think that, you know, the progress is a double-edged sword, the way that we're so hyper-fixated on it. But I think it can be very powerful in this circumstance. So, Elizabeth, thank you so much. This was so wonderful. And I loved hearing more about your HA story, but also now your pregnancy and where you're at with things. And as always, I appreciate your vulnerability. I think it's just a beautiful thing, and you're doing so much good in this space. So thank you, Elizabeth.

SPEAKER_00 56:03

Thank you for having me. It's been fun.