186. Our Dad is in Heaven: Reflection with Steph

My dad, Michael Victor Knight, passed away after battling ALS and Parkinson's Diseases at the age of 65. He was a force. In this episode, my twin sister Stephanie and I reflect on his passing, his life, his legacy and what our father taught us.

Donate to help me end ALS HERE: https://secure2.convio.net/alsa/site/TR/Endurance/Minnesota?pg=personal&px=9354563&fr_id=17628

Our father's obituary can be read here: https://www.facebook.com/share/18gB1WzLXv/

Transcript

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I worry about you and I miss you and I love you very much. Um as soon as you get this message. Don't don't make it at 925 when you gotta go to bed. Okay. I love you. Bye.

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Welcome to the Night Fit Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Knight. I'm a running and strength coach whose primary mission is to help runners reach their goals and maintain their strength without sacrificing their true health. On this podcast, we talk about all things health and fitness so that you can stay up to date on some of today's latest research. I host inspiring guests, drop solo episodes where I explore pertinent topics and get to the heart of many of our questions around what it means to chase our fitness goals and prioritize our wellness. So sit back and get ready for an awesome conversation. Hi, everybody. It is with great sorrow that my twin sister Stephanie and I are here today to talk about our dad. Um welcome back to the podcast. Today, Stephanie, who's been on the podcast several times, and I are going to talk about the passing of our father, Michael Victor Knight. Um we're gonna talk about advocating for his disease, we're gonna talk about the man that he was, how incredible he was, share some memories, um just talk about how we can honor him in our lives. And yeah. So with that, Stephanie, um welcome back to the podcast. Um just quickly introduce yourself, if you wouldn't mind. Thank you. Thanks for having me here. Um, Emily's twin sister. I live in Nashville, been there about four and a half years. I am currently working part-time in marketing while full-time pursuing a graduate degree in nutrition and hope to become a registered dietitian in about two and a half years after I graduate. So happy to be back. Thanks for having me. Yeah, no, um, it's gonna be a difficult episode, no doubt. Um everyone, I mean, most people who follow my page or just know Stephanie or myself in real life, um, has probably at this point come to understand that our father, Mike, um, as he was known as Mike, um, passed away on Monday, May 4th. Um he was battling Parkinson's and ALS simultaneously um for quite some time, and um unfortunately it it led to his passing. So Steph, um talk a little bit about um his diagnosis and kind of when we found out about maybe each of them. Yeah, um so I remember um I think it was 2020 2021, I think, is when we found out about his Parkinson's. Um, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's correct. And I just remember he it was, I think it was around Christmas time. Um, and he just sat down with us and he told us. And um, you know, at the time we didn't really know that much about Parkinson's. Our grandpa had it as well, so his father had it. But um, our grandpa's still alive, he's 95. So um, we found out then that he had Parkinson's, and you know, people can live a long time with Parkinson's. So sorry for any noise. You guys um are my daughter Lainey is with us today. So if you hear anything in the background, that's Laney, but Steph, as you were saying about grandpa. Um, yeah, just that we didn't know a lot about it at the time dad was diagnosed, and um, you know, we didn't know the life expectancy of people with Parkinson's, and I had heard of people that could live a long time with Parkinson's. Um, but there's also people who can progress very quickly, their symptoms can get worse and it can shorten their life substantially. So, um, and you know, from the time 2021 until up until 2025, when we found out dad had ALS, I felt like there weren't that many changes in him. You know, he had a tremor in his hand, um, he'd sometimes shuffle his feet, or um he just became very quiet and reserved. And I don't know how that would be related to the disease, but um, I just do you remember any other symptoms he kind of had? He was really self-conscious, and I feel like um more than he needed to be, given now that we his ALS was so much worse, and I think it impacted him mentally, like his emotions. Like I remember at our brother's wedding, he didn't give his speech because he was worried about forgetting. Like he was in his he was so in his head about forgetting things because that can be a symptom of Parkinson's. Um, and he didn't speak at my wedding either because he was worried, and um there were things that started to pop up that now I believe were ALS that we thought were Parkinson's, and like his ability to move was starting to compromise, and especially his neck. So my dad um had ball bars called onset ALS, essentially, it impacts your neck first and foremost. You lose the muscle tone in your neck. And if you don't know, ALS is a disease that slowly kills your muscles, it atrophies all of your muscles, and you lose the ability to move, to breathe, to do any general functions. And his started in his neck, so his neck began to arch. Um, and we thought originally I remember we thought that was Parkinson's, and we were like, this is interesting, like this is a weird symptom. And we kind of my mom had a suspicion that something else was going on. I did not, I had a really hard time believing that that could be the case because it didn't seem like he could possibly have two horrible diseases at the same time. But you know, they went to appointments, they met with specialists, and it I remember in the summer of 2025, we were praying in circles. Cause I I remember we were all like it was probably May before he was diagnosed. We were like, this can't be this can't be AS. Like, there's no way. And this is when we were waiting to find out because they do do like a number of tests to confirm if this is what they think it is, and it sucked. I just remember in June 2025, we were like, no, like, no, there's no way. And you kind of I remember when the discussion was happening, I was like, no, like it's not gonna turn out to be. I think we kind of knew though, but I do remember, I have a weird thing about remembering dates. I remember the specific day it was July 8th, 2025, was when dad called us and told us this, um, that he had it. And I think, you know, like you said, from May until that point, we we kind of knew that, like, okay, he probably has this because you and the whole family made a trip down to Nashville in May and stayed in an Airbnb, and he just was struggling so much. Um, his head, his neck was really just atrophying, and his head was very much stooped, and he was in pain all the time. He couldn't walk around without being in pain. And so just like that rapid, it literally, I remember from March of 2025 to May of 2025, because I had visited Minnesota in March and saw him and noticed his posture was like different, but then it just escalated so quickly. And so I think when we found out in July, it was like, you know, I expected it, but at the same time hearing the confirmation of that diagnosis, it just It's the worst day. It's gut wrenching. It's the worst day. And I we all kind of knew before he told us because I remember we found out in June as a family, and then I was with him when he told you and Trevor in Asheville, my other one of my brothers in Nashville, um, over the phone, and that was just his tears. And growing up, we never saw him cry, you know, we never saw that cry, and the amount of sorrow that he presented in the f in the years, especially even after Parkinson, yeah. I was afraid of and now what I wouldn't give were him to just have Parkinson's, yeah. Um, but even when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, he was so upset. And then now, you know, when he was diagnosed with ALS, just he was so strong. I just the things that were thrown his way. ALS, for those who don't know, once you're diagnosed, the average lifespan is three to five years. Um obviously my dad was cut way too short. Um Emily ex explained the outcome well. It's essentially a motor neuron disease. So your motor neurons, which control your muscles, die off. And the most common cause of death of ALS is um respiratory failure or or related pneumonia because your lungs stop functioning. And um people think people you're not able to breathe. So they think of just your muscles, but think like it's an upper motor in our hands as well. Are they rely on muscles to work properly? So your heart, your lungs, your swallowing, like you lose your body to swallow. All those functions that you think aren't muscular, they're related to different muscles in your body. So like smooth muscle, not just skeletal muscle. Yeah, exactly. So it's a horrible, disgusting disease. Um and that's what he battled. So on May 4th, um, and what's crazy about it is um we he had been in and out of the hospital in February and March and April. A little bit of each of those months a lot. He struggled with pneumonia, he had some bowel issues, he had breathing issues, and um we kind of thought we had it under control going into late April. We thought we had a rhythm, we thought we had a pattern, we had a feeding tube put in, we had a machine that helped him breathe at night, we had caregivers put in place. Yeah, we had full-time caregivers at our home. Um, and so grateful that we were able to, you know, afford that because a lot of people with ALS, the the spouse of the person who has ALS or a loved one has to take care of them full-time. And thankfully, we were able to have caretakers in the home. But you're right, I feel like, you know, we had caretakers who knew how to do everything. We had nurses come out to the house, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapist. We had his meds regimen down. And, you know, his quality of life was really awful the past month. Um, but there were moments where he would just show this like unexplainable amount of strength. And it was like, wow, he really could maybe make it a few more years. And so I think this passing really just I don't know, threw us all off guard. It was so shocking. It was peaceful, and that's one thing I'm grateful for is he did pass in his sleep unexpectedly for sure, but he um we know that he was sleeping and he was not, you know, the progression of ALS is such that if you do continue to live, it is always painful. You end up needing a trach, which is essentially a breathing port put in your neck. You can't breathe on your own, you can't eat on every you lose every function, and it's a slow, kind of torturous death. And so to an extent, we're we do believe God took him to have to be at peace so that he didn't have to pass in that in that sense. Um, but uh Steph spoke to how expensive it is to live with ALS, and I just want to shed light on that. I Googled it, it can be it's on average, it's over $200,000 a year just to survive with ALS. Yeah, it's so and well, some people also, you know, depending on the care the person needs, spend half a million dollars a year. Yeah. Um, and if you don't have that money, like I don't know. I guess you just die sooner because you can't afford the care. It's properties are so important, especially. Yeah, um, I have fundraising for the ALS Association. My aunt is fundraising for I believe it's ALS, it's a different organization that we're actually gonna talk about at my dad's celebration of life, but um yeah, it's so important. And um, I just wanted to kind of talk about what he was going through and what happened. And um Steph, when you found out about his passing, where were you? And uh how did you so I was the only person in the family not in Minnesota when it happened. I actually was here in Minnesota the weekend before. Um I left, so I was here from Friday to Monday morning. I left early Monday morning, the fourth, um, to fly back to Nashville. And I landed in Nashville at I remember it was 10:21 a.m. and I checked my phone and my brother sent a text that my dad had passed. And I just remember like being like, no, no, this isn't real. Nope, nope, this can't be happening. This is this isn't happening, this isn't real. And, you know, I I was in a situation where I'm surrounded by strangers, I'm on a plane. Um, I remember I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I was so uncomfortable. I was like, no, this can't be happening, this isn't real. And I was like, I gotta get off this plane, I gotta get home, I gotta call my my family. And it was just like the worst possible situation. And it's like everything that took me from the airport to getting home took forever. It was like the the plane took forever to get to the gate, and then it took forever to deplane, and then I had to take a shuttle from the from the plane to the main terminal, and it was like I was, and I was literally just like walking around feeling like just complete shock, like this can't be real. And I felt so like frustrated, like, why was I not there? Why did I have to fly back this morning? Why could I not be present when this happened? Um, and I just remember my brother calling me while I was at the airport, and just he was in tears and he was like, I'm so sorry, stuff. And I just like I broke down in the middle of the airport, and I had to catch an Uber after that. And I was just like, I just I was I was bawling my eyes out, and then I just tried to pull myself together, and I was like, I'm gonna get in this Uber, I'm gonna go back to my apartment, I'm gonna pack, I'm gonna book a flight, and I'm gonna go right back. So I um I ended up doing that the same day and I flew back the same evening, but it was just it was the longest day of my life, and it was awful, and I'm sure you had a completely different but equally awful experience being here and witnessing it. Well, yeah, I was in the car and I saw it sucks because I mean it's in my car you can play messages out loud. And I saw I had a text from Brian, which is my our brother Brian, who lives here with with me and not with me, but he lives in Minnesota, and we have a group chat, um, mom, the siblings, as we've been kind of going through taking care of our father, and I saw he had texted, so I read it aloud and it said, Um, dad passed, go home now. And I just remember I whipped my phone out and I like looked at the text because I was like, What? Like that this can't be this this isn't happening. What? It's too soon. No, this isn't real. And I tried to get everyone on the phone, I couldn't get a hold of anybody. Um, I panicked. I immediately texted my husband and said, My dad's, my dad is dead. I started driving to mom and dad's. I was actually coming back home. I went to go get coffee with Lainey. She was sleeping in the car. I immediately changed my route, decided to drive home, called my brother, finally got a hold of my brother who had texted. I was hysterical. Um, I was sobbing, I was freaking out, I was like screaming to the heavens, I was screaming to my dad as if he could hear me. I was just saying, Daddy no, like, dad, no, like got to their house. Um I was able to hold his hand, I was able to see him, um, which is a horrible thing. Um you're both grateful to see him, but you're also to see someone you love, your your parent without I don't know, their soul is not in their body anymore. Yeah. Um we prayed over him. That day was horrible. You have to wait for someone to come get his body. You have to you're just in you're literally like you said you're in shock. It does it it doesn't feel like and we've talked about this, like I'm just gonna hear him call out my name in the living room, or I'm gonna see him walk down the stairs, or I'm gonna like and I just keep telling myself like that's gonna happen. Like it's gonna happen. Like I'm just gonna, I'm gonna see him. I'm gonna see him, I'm gonna hear him. Like, and I just I can't, I have to take it one day at a time because if I project that out into the future, it's like I can't think about that many days in a row without talking to him or seeing him, you know. Yeah, and I was saying the other day, like the idea of going 40, 50 years without that freaks me out. So you're right, you literally can't think that way. You have to think about seeing them next. But I still, like you said, like I still think I'm just gonna see him. Like I'm just gonna hug him, like I'm just gonna feel his warm his warm body, and I'm just gonna hear his voice, and he's just gonna say M. You know. Um it was the worst day. It's the worst day of my life. And I think there were for the past three months, there were many days that were the worst day of my life. Yeah. And it just kept getting worse and worse and worse as his sickness um progressed. Um, but I think something we're talking about too is the first day you wake up after it's happened. So the first day you find out it's like horrible, and you're kind of just in a state of no, you're in denial almost. What was that first day you got back here that night that he passed? What was the first day like for you waking up? I mean, honestly, like it didn't feel that significant because I couldn't really sleep the night that night, you know. I found out I was just kind of wide awake. Um, and I I still feel like I'm in this state of disbelief and shock. So, like, I I don't feel like I've been waking up and being like, oh, this actually happened, this is real, this is reality, because it doesn't feel real. So I don't think I'm I'm at that point where it's like I'm waking up and it's all just hitting me. Like it comes in waves and it does hit me at certain times, but I don't feel like I'm getting that in the morning. I feel like it's just it's not real. I know exactly what you mean. Like that's literally the state I've been in, especially when you have moments of normalcy, like I'm taking care of my daughter, moments when I'm playing with my daughter, and it's like in those moments I'm so present, which my dad would have wanted, but it's like for more for that second, that's where you are, and you almost the circumstance of his passing, it doesn't feel yeah, like a part of reality. And um, I don't know if that ever does. And I know there's people listening who unfortunately have also lost their parents too young too soon, maybe even way too young and too soon. And I'd love, you know, to in the comments, like if it ever does feel like reality, or is it con kind of constantly I don't know. Do you constantly think they're just gonna be there one day? Yeah. I don't know. I and it might take us a very long time to feel that way if we ever do. Yeah. Um he did wait, our dad did wait to meet all five granddaughters. So he met obviously Lainey within the last few months because she's closer to five months now, but he also met my my other brother had a daughter recently, and he got to meet her, and then he passed shortly thereafter. So it it really did feel like he was waiting to meet everybody. Also see everybody. We all happened to be I know, we all were there that weekend, and I I was gonna come back m this coming weekend. I wasn't like originally that was my plan, and I decided to come a weekend earlier. So honestly, like as much as I was frustrated and heartbroken that I wasn't there when it happened and I didn't get to pray over him with you guys, I was just also so thankful that I got to see him and I got to talk to him one more time. And hug him and tell him I loved him. So I see that as a silver lining. Yeah. So I want to talk a little bit about Dad, Mike Knight, Michael Victor. Yeah. Um, the legend that he was. How would you describe him? Um, how much time do you got? Um, I mean, he was like everything that a girl could want on a dad. Um, and I'm just thinking about him from the dad perspective, because that's who he was to me. Um, he was first and foremost a provider and a protector. Um, he gave us everything, he gave us every opportunity to succeed and follow our dreams, and he just wanted his kids to be happy. He wanted us to do whatever brought us joy. Um, he was the hardest working person I know. Um he built his company and his life from absolutely nothing, like also just the smartest person I know. Um, you could ask him anything about any topic, and he would have something valuable to say. Um, incredible athlete, always inspired me when I was playing sports growing up, and just always gave me so much wisdom. And I wish looking back that I would have taken more of his comments seriously than I did, you know, at the time. I was probably frustrated. Um but so humble, had a great sense of humor, um, incredibly affectionate and affirming as a as a dad and um just an all-around amazing human being. Yeah. What do you have for this time? I think you said everything so well. I my whole childhood, I just felt I just felt great about myself because of how he made me feel. He was always saying I love you, always saying I'm proud of you. He he knew each of his children individually, and he would tell you the things that were your strong suits, your strengths. He would highlight those things. He wouldn't put all the light on the hard parts about yourself, and we all have struggles, and you know them as children, you kind of learn what you're good and bad at and what you struggle with traits-wise. He just found all the good in his children, and like my whole life, I knew what my strengths were because he made me feel so good about them, and he showed up all the time, and he was very forgiving and empathetic. And um, if you did something wrong, I don't know. I just felt like he had a lot of empathy for your mistakes, and I never felt like he wouldn't be there. And um, he was just each of his child's biggest fans, and you said this stuff like a few days ago, and I thought it was well said, like he believed in his children to almost a delusional level, like he thought we could do anything, which I think I'm gonna talk about at his celebration of life, and uh the way I phrase it is like he had a ridiculous amount of faith in each of us, truly like and I I just still remember in college, like him coaching me uh in in track and like telling giving me strategies for racing, and I would just kind of roll my eyes like dad, I'm I can't win every race, I can't lead every race, and he would just be like, You have to do this, like you can do this, like and just like I don't know. At the time I was like, This is so silly, like why do you like this isn't realistic? But looking back, I'm like, I'm so glad I had a dad who believed in me that much. It took such a vested interest in each of his children. Like, if no matter what it was, like, yes, he loved sports. My dad was a super athlete, he was amazing, and so we loved sports. But even if it was like our brother Trevor, who also was a great musician, if it was music, he was all in on your music. If it was Brian loved um film, if it was film and making movies, he was all in on that. He wanted us to chase whatever it is we wanted. I loved magazines and I liked making little magazines for my family. He told me I was gonna own a magazine one day and be an editor and I could do whatever I wanted. Didn't he want you to go to like art school or something? Yeah, graphic design. And my dad was also a great artist, just in there. He literally was so multifaceted. If there's any, like if you picture a person who just had skills in every arena, it was our dad. Except for music, except for probably he was a little bit off pitch. But and dad, I know you're listening, we love you. Your voice is probably beautiful up in heaven, but um he just was so well-rounded, but yeah, he believed in us to a delusional delusional level, no matter what it was we wanted to do. Yeah, and um, he also was so loving, yeah. And I'm gonna speak a little bit to this at his um at his celebration of life. But he would come into our rooms every night and say, I love you bigger than the whole sky. And I don't that wasn't something I had heard anywhere else or really, but it's something I use now to describe how much I love my daughter, but it really is kind of him in a nutshell. And if the voice calls we played at the beginning, he was always expressing how much he loved us, which isn't super common among men, but also fathers, especially a young generation. Um and yeah, and what else? I mean, he was funny, he was silly, didn't take life too seriously. He was super present, like no matter what he was doing, he's like, Why are you rushing? Like, be present, be in the moment. He loved just being with his family. His family was his favorite thing. Yeah, it was. And he set such a good example, which you know, it's heartbreaking in the sense that he died of something that he couldn't control, but he cared so much about his health and his well-being. And I just remember so many times growing up, like he'd be in our family exercise room, like lifting weights, or he'd be, he'd like insist on getting exercise and when we were on vacation, or like, you know, going on walks on the beach, or or like making sure like when we went through a drive-thru, he got a hamburger with no cheese because he didn't want the saturated fat. And he could a tiny little, he'd say, an itty-bitty kid cone is what he would say. It's like, it's like dad, that's not a size, it's just one size and it's small. But he would just like, I don't know, he just cared, he paid attention to all the little things, and I just I just wish that all of that paid off for him because he really he cared about his health. And for me, that's like you know, going into the dietetics field, it definitely encourages and inspires me to just I don't know, help other people in that because it is so important. And there are things in life that we can't control, like genetic diseases or things that just happen. Um, but I I I don't think that's an excuse to not care about your health. And dad clearly showed that he was fighting for his life till the day that he died. He was trying to do he was trying to get every single resource, all the information about the diet he should have and the exercise regimen he should do for both of his diseases, and he just cared so much. And and I just think that was that was just amazing to watch. And at the same time, you know, he cared so much about his health, but at the same time, there's nothing he cared about more than his family to the point of he would stay up late working, he would he would show up to every game despite a long work day. He would go to bed way after hours so he could be present for dinner and present while we hang out after dinner, and then he would work after dinner late into the night. Like he put his family first for everything. Obviously, his faith was a huge part of his life as well, which is another cool thing that we've discovered. And we knew, but he wrote Bible passages left and right, and then he was a journaler, so he would write thoughts down, he would write his calendar down, he liked pen and paper compared to a computer so much more. So he had all one has hundreds of journals, but two, just little sc scrappings and scribbles all over his office of Bible passages, mottos like be a good person today, call your friends, be kind, like he really his heart was all centered on his faith, life, and then his family, and he really had it in order. And he strived to be a better man. I really do believe that. And I do too. Um Yeah, what were some of your favorite things about him? Um tie that into moments or memories too. The little itty bitty cake tone. I don't know, he just had a great sense of humor. I his smile and his laugh was so contagious. If I saw him smiling, like and laughing, just really laughing, like you could just see the joy in his face. Like I just I don't know, I just picture his face like that, and I don't ever want to forget what that looks like. Um gosh, he you talked about the affectionate thing. Like, and I know I know some people would be like, okay, maybe that's too much, but I just remember like it didn't matter where we were, if we were at a restaurant, if we were somewhere else, he'd come up to us like, you know, you're sitting at you're sitting at the table at the restaurant, and he'd come up behind us and just give us a huge hug and just linger there and be like, I love you, you're so wonderful. And you know, there's like a ton of people around, and it's just like I it I loved it. It like if anything, I just felt so loved by him. I think some people would be like, okay, it doesn't need to be in public, like I don't need that. But I personally like I think dad and I shared a lot of the same love languages. His was physical touch and words of affirmation, and I know that you're the same. Um, and he would never fail to to affirm us and show us affection. And I think I think that's so healthy, and it's just it gave us such a deep love for our father and respect for him, and I just yeah, that those are some of the fondest things. Like, I just I wish I could feel his just his bear hug again. Yeah, I that's I forgot. So yeah, at restaurants, like and I don't I almost like to do it more. It feels like and he was so affectionate anywhere, it doesn't matter. At home, he's up hugging you. He's like, every time you show up, he's like, It's so good to see you. I love you, I love when you're here. I'm so proud of you. He used to tell me all the time, like, we're I'm the pride of his life, his children are the pride of his life. Um, but yeah, at restaurants, those hugs were mom, that's not her love language, she would kind of be shy when he was doing it, but he really was expressive, and I never we never felt unloved. Another thing I love about dad is his love of history. Like, I feel like if we were anywhere on a trip, walking around telling stories about soldiers, and yeah, this is where the blank soldiers would come in, or um, in nature, he knew about everything out there, and I just I I can picture him in my mind telling us stories about things and some some of us kids zoning out, but I always made a point to listen because I can tell he he was so passionate about what he was. Yeah, he was he was um he's a very curious man, very curious, an avid reader, loved to learn more. We go to museums and he'd be all in on learning as much as he could and gleaning as many insights as he could, and um he also I his humor is definitely one of my favorites. Yeah, it's like I are both really silly, but my dad is also secretly very silly, like he's been silly. He and I don't know, and I miss his dessert habit, and because I have that same habit, like always gotta have closure, is what he would call it. Um I just I miss him. I miss him a lot, and he always no matter one thing that our dad did really well too is he didn't talk about people. So no matter, you know, if someone was a not so great person, or and I don't know if you can hear Laney right now, but I apologize. Um if someone was a not so great person or did something not so great, Laney's uh making some noise. Um he didn't talk about people and yeah, he was so non-judgmental. He gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. And like, I don't know, and I I feel like I remember him when he did say something negative about someone, he would just kind of like turn it back around and be like, but like who am I to like like I'm no better, like whatever. Um, he was very reflective and introspective, and I really appreciated how thorough he was because I'm the exact same way, and I am also very much like what's funny about dad is like he was a type A planner in some things, and then completely not that way in other things. Like something funny about him is he was late to basically everything his whole life and he would, you know, sometimes cause us to be late to things. Um, you know, at the time it was frustrating, um, but I just think it's funny because he was just like so completely different in different areas, like he would handwrite out his schedule for every single day, and he had so many journals that he went through where he'd write down his goals for the day and his schedule and what he wanted to accomplish and his tasks and all of those things. And I I'm very much similar in that way. Um, I do like to handwrite stuff, not to the extent that dad did, but um just his thoroughness and his attention to detail and his meticulousness, and I just I think those qualities are just they're really they're just really good qualities to have in so many areas of life. Like he cared deeply. He really was a remarkable person. And I think as our families come together to get ready for his celebration, um you talk a lot about everything and you memories come back to you. And yeah, you really realize, and I wish we did this more when people were alive, but you really realize how amazing people are. And um all this said, like our father is and was and now is in heaven a remarkable person and soul. He was just a remarkable soul. And we love you, Dad. We love you so much. Um Yeah, we do. It freaking sucks that you're not here, but at the same time, I'm so glad you're not in pain anymore. Me too. And I'm so glad you're with in heaven. And I know for the rest of each of our lives, all of us, you'll be here and you'll get to witness it. Different place from a higher spot, but yeah, I'm glad we're really glad we had you, Dad. Thank you for everything. For the last 29 years with you, Dad. Yeah, I love you. How can we honor him, Steph? What do you what do you think are some ways that he would want us to honor him? Um I just think about the things that he loved, and like some of that to me is like um, you know, taking risks, being adventurous, daring to dream big, um, being brave. And I just, you know, he always encouraged me to to do whatever I wanted. Like when I was growing up, I I told him I wanted to be a teacher. And then, you know, I went to college and I studied business, and he he kept like asking me, he's like, Well, if you want to be a teacher, like you can go back and do that. And then when I decided to make this career change to I I remember when I was just briefly thinking about it, like initially, I brought up being a dietitian, and he immediately was like, You should do it, you should do it. Like, he always encouraged me to just go after things that were scary, and that's why, like, and you know, the timing of this is so interesting. I have a uh trip planned to Spain for school, um, literally the day after his celebration of life, and I'm gonna be there for um almost three weeks. And after we found this out, I was like, I don't know if I can go, like, I don't know if I can be away from family. This is like so immediately afterwards, like it's just a lot. But then I thought about it and I was like, I know dad would really want me to go, like he would want me to just do it and be there and be present and like just be brave. And that that's what I think of most is like and like how he would encourage me in sports when I was younger too. Just like be courageous and do the really hard thing, and that's how I kind of want to continue his legacy. Absolutely, and like times I feel like I'm want to quit or not do something. I literally can hear him saying you can do it, Em. Like you can do it. And I remember when I was competing in track, I I would get so nervous. I was a head case in sports, and he taught me to breathe in and say, Dear Lord, and as you exhale, say, have mercy on me. And that's something I still do to this day. And I do believe we found notes and stuff of him saying he wanted to be the best, he wanted to be number one, he wanted to achieve this and this and this. I do believe he would want us to chase our goals and try to excel at them, not just chase your goals, but be the best that you can personally be. Yeah. Um, and he was such a strong person too. So now I find like in my fitness, I always want to get better, I always want to get stronger, I want to be as healthy as I can, and I want to honor him by taking care of myself. And for me, that means nourishing myself, fueling myself. And something he used to tell to me specifically because I struggled with eating disorders and stuff, is he would say, Emily, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. And he would see me struggling, especially um when I struggled with like my disordered behavior, and he would just say, Emily, don't be so hard on yourself, you're wonderful. Yeah, and um that's something I want to honor him through, is just truly not being so hard on my body and on myself, because yeah, um he loved us so much and he saw so much good in us, and he didn't want us to tear ourselves apart, and um that's he believed in us, and so I think he would want us to believe in ourselves in every area of life, and so I think that that's really well said. Um with that, Steph, thank you for being here. I think this is uh was an important conversation every time. It's cathartic, and I know there's many conversations to come, and we're celebrating our dad a week from tomorrow. Um his wonderful, amazing life. Um, thank you everybody for listening. And if you unfortunately have lost somebody in your life too soon, no matter who it is, just know you're not alone. Um God has a reason for everything as difficult and awful. I can still say that. Um, I have to believe that God brought our our people home and it was time for them to go home. Yeah. So yeah. Um Steph, thanks for doing this with me. Yeah, of course. Dad, if you can hear us, we know you can. We love you. I love you, Dad.