#13. car camping alone in ibiza

jumpy thoughts from a weekend of sleeping in a car and beach hopping

experiencing sacred details, examining how purpose is fluidly multifaceted, my desires of being a channel, collaborating with nature, navigating loneliness, and practicing complete trust

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hi, this is Krisha, and you are listening to Portals. This is my spoken journal where I share my raw navigations on the different portals of life. Here I share my art process, my inner world, and my own experiences. This space is not a self-improvement or advice platform. It's simply an experience to move alongside my journey of introspection and what I witness. Any journal prompts I offer and that I interweave in my entries are optional and offered only as reflections. You are always the authority and shepherd of your own life. Thanks for listening. Directly like I would talk to her. And as I'm speaking, I'm noticing this beautiful tuft of a cloud where the sun is hitting it, and it's quite gray out here, and I'd like to think that's uh a way that she's talking to me. And now it's beginning to really rain, and um I think I'll head back to my car, but also feel this rain. You know, I've been like traveling in a way to avoid the weather, but here it comes back to me again. I can't run away from anything, I can't run to things. I think I just have to sit with it. Like I'm sitting in this rain. I just need to experience and feel the weight of my lack of direction, maybe. I've spent a long time having some sense of direction, but for the first time I feel that I don't have a direction except to simply experience and be with the world around me. But I think that's actually all my heart wants when I think about it. I think I just want to experience every micro detail. All the ways that spirit, the divine source universe expresses herself. Like all of these textures around me, all of these shapes and forms and colors.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

I um it's so, so beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

And I don't even know if I'm running away from anything. I feel like I just want to experience everything this world has to offer. Not from a sense where I'm trying to fill the void, but simply feel just allow and experience, feel allow and experience everything that this body has to offer and this body of earth has to offer. I think it's just meant to be experience. At least in my perspective.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

I don't think I have to force any sort of purpose or force any kind of meaning. I can just simply enjoy this. Right. But I also enjoy the the layers behind everything too. And right now that is that this reality in particular makes me feel at peace and makes me feel so loved. Well the thing about purpose is that like I I feel that with purpose it's this multifaceted changing thing. Ten minutes ago, my purpose was to find a bathroom for my body. I needed to be really, really badly, and I was looking for a gas station, and I did find it. And now that that purpose is gone, now my purpose is to simply speak my thoughts into this mic and experience the speech at the same time. So I feel that a purpose can move from one moment to another moment. But then I like have this tendency to think about, you know, my overarching future-focused purpose and I think that is also to experience and share. I just want to be a vessel for this world around me, or I guess at least the way that I experience it. And then allow my body to transform that through our expression of art. I consider my paintings to be quite impulsive and subconscious. I try not to put my mind into it a lot when I overthink. I like to take a break, but also overthinking can be part of the process as well because mind and body are interconnected, right? But I'm thinking that you know I really just want to be a channel. How many times have I said that in the last three entries?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I don't know, but I am simply grateful to be alone here with this divine expression of a beach.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

I'm car camping this weekend and I decided to take some time alone and be with nature. So I think I'll um I'll post up here. I'll probably cheer chill here for the night. It is 5 30 p.m. Or I don't know, maybe I'll visit another beach. I have no idea. We'll see. We'll see how I feel. Okay, I guess one more recording because I feel like I don't know exactly what I'm fucking doing here. Like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I wanna make these videos, I wanna like do some yoga, I wanna do a lot of different things, but you know, I'm just sitting here recording, talking to myself. It's like I have these like desires to share. Like I'm like thinking, like, oh god, I want to tattoo, I wanna do all these things, I wanna paint, I wanna like and and I just it's so overwhelming to me that sometimes I can't even see the golden thread of anything. But I guess like the point of it is just to be, just like keep expressing. I wanna I wanna draw. I wanna draw, and also I'm wondering if it's okay to even draw on a rock here. I know that feels like vandalish, like it it does feel like vandalizing.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

So I don't think I'll do that.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

But I think that I will probably bring paper and allow nature to make things with me. I don't want to perceive her, I want to collaborate with her. I don't want to perceive nature, I want to experience her. So I wonder, you know, if I can even like play with the seaweed. The wetness of sand. The charcoal the wetness of seaweed. Maybe find something here. I truly don't know, and I also do want to collaborate with her. You know, in the sense where I can just like maybe uh drag some charcoal over some rock or I can take a walk and yeah, I don't know. I don't know, but I do like playing with this shit. I do enjoy it a lot. That's fun. Yeah. I think that I really love nature because she makes me feel young again. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's my mom. I'm finding that I think this is something I want to do like all the time. I just wanna be by the ocean and be by all these colors. I'm feeling like just this awe. This complex magnificent around us. I mean, it's just like reminding me how beautiful nature is. I I mean I I always say that. I'm like annoying myself with how much I say the word beautiful, but I truly am just in complete awe of everything around us. The I can see the bottom of this coral reef and the water is so clear. I'm sitting on a beach on the east side of the pizza. On the rocks by the shore. I think I want to eat some seafood or something. Oh my god! Anemone. So beautiful. Just a whole community of them. I need to take a picture of that. I don't know, there's nothing more fulfilling to me than just to be like alone out in nature. Oh my goodness! Another anemone. Oh my god, I have to take a picture. And I um I I feel that like I I just want to do this all the time. I was posed a question the other day and it was um, you know, what do you want to be when you're old? And I think I just want to be like that, you know, um, I just want to be that artist that just kind of like hosts out by the sea. All my paintings are a lot of new to nature. I'm really curious as to how um, you know, what my next concepts are. I know that I always um paint in my love for nature, but my last round was like uh quite weird and I don't know. I don't even know if I would say weird. I mean it it does all feel quite spiritual to me. But I think that I want to continue painting from the space. I'm going to travel to the south end of Spain and maybe by an ocean. By the new moon. Um I want to feel into the new moon and feel into the water. Maybe bathe in the water. But I just want to feel into all of the emotions that the ocean brings. Not brings, maybe like uh lets me release. There's a cute little snail guy. So cute. Just a baby. So many little babies around me. They're just so sweet, just doing their thing. Very impressive, everyone. Hi. I am sitting on the beach right now. Very rocky beach. And originally I was hanging out on the east side of the island, and now I've driven to the west side of the island so that I could watch the sunset. And um on the way there, I was thinking about how I feel I've been feeling lonely. I think that's, you know, a sort of natural outcome of being alone. To be lonely, but I think I feel lonely because I I don't know if I I feel understood, I guess, in the way that I'm having all these beautiful experiences, and they're so simple, right? Just noticing the texture of rock or the way that this island, the silhouette of this island is is pointing straight up. It looks heavenly. It looks like the back of a giant turtle or something. It's incredible. But maybe all these experiences are making me feel lonely because I'm like, am I the only one that can see how beautiful this is? Like it feels incredible and surreal, and I don't know if anybody shares that with me. And maybe because I I literally am the only one that's sort of consuming this experience, the one that's receiving this experience, and all I can do is just try my best to share exactly how I feel and what sensations I'm experiencing. The light is casting this beautiful highlight on each beach rock that's coated in moss. I'm experiencing this whole beach as this sort of like this orchestral moment, like everything feels so in sync with each other. But it's not forced, it just is, you know? It does feel orchestrated, but these elements, the ocean, the rocks, even these people playing in volleyball people just we're just it just all is and it's just being. All of it is just being. And I don't know how I could say I feel lonely because literally there are about 40 other people on this beach, a bunch of families. We're all facing the sunset here together, and I um I'm here with other humans that all have the same idea. We all have the same idea of watching the sunset. So these sort of remote these sort of moments remind me of the collective consciousness, how none of my ideas and emotions are original creations. That, you know, I my loneliness is probably shared. I have an idea that my loneliness is probably shared. That maybe a lot of people feel and see how incredibly precious everything is around us. All of these little creations and expressions of the divine universe, I I know there are other people that that feel how I feel. And I also understand that I think every human can feel this way. Feel or think or have some kind of connection to nature. Because we are just that. The sun is starting to go down. It's my last day here in Evita. I didn't really come here to party or attend a boat party or meet people, I just came here to experience the island. I wanted to experience a Spanish island and a place that felt a little bit more warm. And um my desires have been fulfilled. I'm flying to southern Spain tomorrow and I have no plans. I don't have any plans. I'm just improving things as I go with no objective but to experience. Okay, I'm gonna watch the sunset. It is the morning of my last day here in Ibiza, and what I'm doing right now is staring at all the little sparkles on the water. And the way the ocean creates this sort of gradient because of the depth of the surface, I assume. And there's this very noisy puppy that's very excited to interact with everybody. And it's it's it's the most perfect day. Everybody's out sunbathing. I'm going to place complete faith in whatever this path is. And I'm not talking about just my trip, but like just living, you know. I think I've for so long I've been so held up on like figuring things out or trying to create a path of certainty when all I've experienced is complete uncertainty. And on the way, I've just showed myself over and over again that you know I'll be fine. That I am just fine, that I can keep trusting myself under whatever circumstances. Trusting myself and this path. And I think that's um that's the only sense of stability I have right now is my relationship to myself and spirit, which is myself as well. Like, I have this belief that. uh the divinity expresses herself through every single thing that everything has consciousness that everything is sacred and so it's almost as if like when I place myself my trust in myself then I'll place my trust in everything around me. And I don't know if that you know sounds a little ignorant and you know I think trust can be expressed in many different ways. You know I don't I wouldn't say I like completely trust my life in the next stranger. I don't think I'm coming from that point of view but rather that I just trust in in the moment. Trust myself to know when something isn't right for me and trust my interests whenever I do want to follow them trust in the moment in a few days it'll be the new moon and I want to be by the ocean during the full moon. Or not the full moon the new moon as a way of setting intention to really let go and surrender. Yeah surrendering this path giving it up all to God that's what I'm doing I love it here and I just want to keep following the sun and where the waters are blue every time I'm in like a an environment like this I remember that I'm Filipina it just feels natural. But it's a bit dry here. I think I want to be something more somewhere more humid for sure. Eventually eventually I know all the paths I will take will lead me back home with that I invite you to introspect or practice a space of introspection and ask yourself what you would like to surrender if it's a belief or a way of looking at the world or maybe something more tangible like anything objects a relationship a friendship what would you like to surrender? Where do you need to surrender control I haven't showered in like three days I'm gonna go shower soon I'm excited I'm excited to feel fresh before I fly out of here thank you for listening I love you