#14. on leaving, cádiz to córdoba

tbh this is whole entry is me just getting so emo because so much is changing

on a bus processing leaving and goodbyes, feeling a dreamlike bliss in Ronda, excitedly lost in visual newness on a walk in Córdoba, and a gong bath by Estrella 

more on Estrella's gong sounds: IG @estrella_gongnfeelgood

i am so sorry about the audio quality on the bus

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:05

Hi, this is Krisha, and you are listening to Portals. This is my spoken journal where I share my raw navigations on the different portals of life. Here I share my art process, my inner world, and my own experiences. This space is not a self-improvement or advice platform. It's simply an experience to move alongside my journey of introspection and what I witness. Any journal prompts I offer and that I interweave in my entries are optional and offered only as reflections. You are always the authority and shepherd of your own life. Thanks for listening. And I keep thinking about how special this place was to me. I was only here for four nights. I was actually just supposed to stay here for one night. I wanted to take this place as a pit stop to visit the water before moving on to bigger cities and turned into two nights and then three nights and four nights, and I'm sure I would have stayed longer. But in a way, I just wanted to see how I felt if I just left. I tend to become really attached to places to the point where I overstay or yeah, I overstay. I mean that's why I lived in the same town in West Virginia for 10 years. But I guess I wanted to do something different. And um let my beautiful experiences exist how they did. And I think this place helped me realize just how special and beautiful those those simple, simple moments are. Sometimes I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for for playing. For playing as in traveling, as in making art. But I I think I do all of this to remember our humanity. I want to expand into different spaces and learn about different things and deepen my relationship with my inner world so that I can remember the beauty of our human experience. Especially in a world of suffering and grief, as it becomes more and more chaotic and harder to understand. I think what makes sense for me is experiencing the simple connection between me and another set of human eyes. Or the way the sun feels. And um, I'm definitely doing that. I think that every single time I'm experiencing a moment of change, I just want to be honest with myself and just tell myself, oh, like you really loved this place, these people, this experience. And just hold myself there. All I have to do is just witness any sadness or loneliness or just attachment that I'm experiencing. I'm making a bus to Ronda, and then I'm heading to Cordoba. In um and I'm doing that all today, staying at a hostel, and you know, if I find that I want to go back to Gaddi's, maybe I will. And maybe I won't. I was talking to my friend Segundo, and you were talking about how, you know, it's it's never the same. It's it's always different to return to different places and people. It's always different. It's going to be different. Ah, so what do I do about that? I experience it. I just experience that change. But I think with every change and every moment, everything that comes to me, like I. It's like everything is such a blessing. Sorry to be absolutist, but I really, um even at this moment where like I'm can I'm feeling my my little bit of grief leaving this place, I'm I feel grateful for it because now I can see how much I loved it. I wish my goodbye would have been a little bit longer. And maybe I wish I would have held on to the table tighter. I think the thing about goodbyes is sometimes I rush them. And I don't want to. You know, I rush them and I try to slow down and I and I feel like I still rushed it. I think the best goodbye that I've ever given was to my dog, whose um one-year death anniversary is coming up. And um I was with her through every moment as she passed. And I think it was one of the most beautiful moments I could have ever shared with her to really let her go. And um she she let go so easy, and I think it's because I was a really slow and stable fort for her. I held her, and I sang to her, and I told her that she didn't have to look for me anymore and that I'll take care of myself. I'm pretty sure she saw me as a liability. But I told her that I was gonna be just fine, and she didn't have to take care of me in the way that she did. And she let go so easy, she did so, so good. I think about my goodbye with her because I feel like I want to treat every goodbye like that. Just with like such with an awareness that this moment, this very moment we're having is is so beautiful and it's exactly where it needs to be. Every moment that passes. I don't want to rush it, I just want to feel into it. And I guess like with leaving the space in Cadiz, I I felt like I was rushing it, mostly because my bus was gonna leave, and I only had one minute to spare. I made this bus at 10.59, the 11 o'clock bus. And um I think I wish I I had I wish I had said what I wanted to say to people. But I think it's okay that it happened the way it did too. I sent a voice message to some friends and um expressed my truth there, and um and I think that's perfectly fine. I think grief and and goodbyes are such powerful moments because they show you how much you you love how much you love.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

What a life. What a life.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

A friend back home told me to visit Ronda. As it's known for its uh dramatic landscapes. I didn't even look at pictures online because I wanted to surprise myself. Didn't want to ruin the surprise for me. But I just know that Ronda is apparently beautiful, and um five different people told me to to visit Ronda.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 12:43

Hi, I'm in Rhonda. And I'm in a plaza. Do you hear everything? There are people chatting and laughing and taking pictures, and there's so many birds singing. And I'm on top of these cliffsides. The way the sun is hitting them is so perfect. And I think this music perfectly complements this moment. It's like heavenly out here. Like this moment couldn't be any more perfect. I'm gonna step on this ledge just to feel the wind. Everybody's looking out towards this view. I think this has to be one of my favorite color palettes. This has to be one of my favorite color palettes. The exposed rock is giving so many various shades of brown and terracotta. And the landscape before me is rolling hills of farmland. Trees, I don't know of what fruit, but they're planted so perfectly. Parallel lines. The mountains just keep going on and on. Blue mountains. Different shades as well. I see green, blue, brown, red, and orange, and white, some purple, and yellow. I see a full spectrum of color. How perfect it is, and I don't think I regret moving on at all. I think I'm holding space for memory and I'm holding space for newness and possibility.

SPEAKER_04 16:04

Do you hear those words?

SPEAKER_03 16:14

I'm continuing to walk down to see more of this exposed rock. Gigantic these cliffsides.

SPEAKER_04 16:27

Church bells in the background. I don't know if you can hear that, but that's just gorgeous. Enjoying this moment. And it's hard to describe it.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

I don't think it's meant to be felt all the time, but when I feel it, I I feel like I really feel it. Thank you, Ronda. Lucy honestly, like those places so the people are so so kind.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 18:23

And um I arrived last night. And I I feel like I have no thoughts or anything. I don't know. I think I'm just experiencing this place. Different portal, different portal, you know, different energy. So I'm simply feeling into it. I see that I used all of yesterday to process a transition. And maybe because I've really let things go and I haven't really I don't feel attached to anything, to what will unfold or what has been. I feel like this open channel of nothing but curiosity. Well, I'm going down this beautiful street.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

White walls.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

Like bright mustard yellow outlining the walls. And it's very sunny. Do you hear those birds? Different energy. Okay, no, I'm moving on. Uh now I see this gorgeous infrastructure.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Maybe I don't know what it is. I'm gonna find out. Okay. Gorgeous? Well. Um there's so much detail. There's so much detail.

SPEAKER_03 21:07

Wow. Okay, I'm just gonna stand here in the corner and just describe what I'm seeing. But there are these trees that are perfectly lined in this plaza. I'm I'm staring at this huge plaza guarded by these tall walls. And I I mean there's so much to take in. Like they're it's all yellow and white, and there is this um giant castle thing.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

There's so many statues and so many details. Oh my god, there's just so much here.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

Like, I can't even it's so beautiful. It's so so beautiful. There are a group of kids over there absorbing the architecture. We're all sort of looking at the architecture, everyone is very um engaged. One person on the I'm scaring them if he's not okay, some thing. Sometimes I'm um some jumping from one sensation, one one um visual simulation and the other. There's actually like I can I can fix it on one thing. I can just just focus on one thing. And maybe right now that can be these statues. You know? These statues here. They're more gymnastics. There's one dancing and one playing an instrument. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's some sort of a stringed instrument and I can't even articulate everything. See, I think this is why we take pictures. You know? I think this is why we take pictures. We take pictures because sometimes words can't even describe how we feel. I think that's what it means. Just the amount of detail of every single little thing, whether it means the flooring, or if it means the way that things are printed, every single, it's like every detail is the bottom of I respect them. I respect that. And there's this gorgeous waterfall. There's this gorgeous waterfall, and there's this really fun. See, I I don't even think, I mean, to see what I'm saying about it's like actually like really warning or something.

SPEAKER_02 24:19

Beautiful soundscape, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:29

Currently I am sitting on my bed in a hostel in Cordoba, and I am thinking and just reflecting on these different transitions and how everything is changing around me, and I think the one thing that is really grounding me is my bliss in the simplest of moments and the most simplest of sensations, whether it means my breath or the way the sun hits my skin. And my my question to you, if you would like to ask yourself, is what where do you find bliss? Where do you find bliss in your life? Where do you find bliss? Okay, I'm going to play a recording of a gong bath I listened to, provided by a sound artist and French yoga teacher Sereia, who is based in Cadiz. Enjoy. Thanks for listening. I love you, and I think it's a good idea