#15. last few moments in granada

my relationship with my inner child, feeling nourished in the park, remembering our wholeness, the art of letting go, craving obsession, and a song by Sweet Tooth

Transcript

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Hi, this is Krisha and you are listening to Portals. This is my spoken journal where I share my raw navigations on the different portals of life. Here I share my art process, my inner world, and my own experiences. This space is not a self-improvement or advice platform. It's simply an experience to move alongside my journey of introspection and what I witness. Any journal prompts I offer and that I interweave in my entries are optional and offered only as reflections. You are always the authority and shepherd of the Thanks for listening. Hi I'm in Granada right now, and I'm sitting on a bench after visiting a beautiful view. And the sun is shining so brilliantly, and the skies are blue, and I can hear the birds again. And I was um thinking about my relationship with my inner child, which has grown more and more to the point where every time I travel, I always imagine her by me. Like as this like physical entity. Sorry, there are a lot of buses and motorcycles here, but she's always present. And she's always asking me questions here and there, just leading the trip with curiosity. She isn't so focused on the logistics of things, but rather just being here and now. Like if I were to imagine her right now, what she would be noticing are the textures of this flooring and how mosaic they are. And then she would also probably start staring at different people. So then I do the same. And I've noticed, um, you know, even when I'm um alone, and sometimes, you know, if I'm feeling like very lonely, in a sense where I um feel like quite misunderstood or sad or just terribly lonely. I always check in with her and it's usually because she needs love. It's usually because she is seeking reassurance. And then I give her just that and we're fine. So I've been asking the inner child what she wants to do next, and I really think it's uh painting again. I've been taking out my paintbrush more and more and just doodling here and there, but now I feel like I'm craving that devotion to my craft again. I'm craving dancing in the studio. Dancing and singing and having a time. I'm craving a sense of groundedness, you know, before I do anything else. I feel that with me and my inner child, I feel like I just have faith that everything is going to work out so beautifully. You know, even beyond this lifetime. Do you hear that wind? And do you hear the water in front of me? Oh, and those birds too. I'm always fascinated by the way that the spirit responds to me. I think she's always listening. Ooh, a gust of wind. Do you hear those trees? As I was walking through the city, I'm in the city of Granada right now, and I um I found myself just craving nature and I wandered into a park. And then as I was walking through the park, I was hoping to find a bench. And um I found the bench in the most perfect spot right in front of this little stream. I'm facing the um the forest of the park. And this tree I'm staring at has these um bunches and conglomerations of flowers that are tipped with brown and yellow. And um one of its branches just uh kissed my forehead. I'm um I'm so grateful, I think, and I know I keep saying that, but every single time I'm this close to nature, I just remember how beautiful everything is that branch tapped on my eyelid again. This morning I spent some time at a cafe just drawing and my interests um are starting to form on my journaling pages. I've been taking notice of the Andalusian architecture here and there are these floral details on the railings of the facades of the buildings. It's really beautiful metalwork, and I've I've been hi! Oh my god, this branch keeps hitting my face a little. Hi. And um just keeps like kissing my cheek. And um originally I was playing with um the uh the organic form of the shores that I saw on the island of Ibiza, and I'm seeing where now I'm being influenced by the details of the metalwork, and I think that's something that I've been very entranced by are the amount of details here. It's so beautiful. Every single little thought you can see has been manifested in all of the design decisions around us, from nature to the architecture around us. I think that's a dove. I don't know if you can hear that. And I think that my intentions of being an open channel on this trip has given me a sense of direction. I want to go home and learn stuff, learn new things that I've been thinking about, and I just want to let everything that I've received here come out on canvas or paper, whatever it is. I also want to see my family again and I want to see my friends and I want to move into nourishing connections where I feel supported. And on this trip I really learned that that is my relationship to the divine spirit source which always brings me to nature. And I think it's because that's what I really desire and I crave the most. Nature has all of these like beautiful lessons to learn from, you know. All of its uncertainty and all of its perseverance, everything that it is. I credit all of my wisdom to this life around me. I can feel my desire to become obsessed again. Oh, well. Oh my god. I feel like I could be here forever. But I have a bus that leaves at six. And then I'm headed to Madrid. Hi, uh this little tree branches on my head once again. Hello. Sometimes when I'm talking, I feel like I sound insane. But I really do believe that every life form has spirit. Like this beautiful branch in front of me that's been petting me. I think all of these little notes from nature, they all remind me how we are just so we're so loved. We are so loved. That we are perfect as we are. Like this tree in front of me is so young. She's so so young that I I really do believe she's like whole as she is, and I'm sure she's just gonna keep growing as large as all these other trees, and but I think that she's like so perfect. And then it's like, oh well, like I think every other person is like that too, you know? Whole as they are. And then if we remember that we are whole as we are, that we don't have anything to fix or correct, uh then I I think we can truly navigate life with a with a knowing of love. Yeah, I think that we have this like sort of perfectionistic thing going on as a generation where you know we over-therapise ourselves and we want to fix and heal whatever we have going on and we see that as wrong. But it's interesting, like I went through years of therapy to understand that I was already fine and whole as I am. But maybe that I had to learn particular lessons as well. I don't know, it's complicated, I guess. It is my last hour in Spain. I'm sitting in front of this kiosk and um just waiting on my gate to open. And um I'm thinking about the art of letting go and that there is an art of letting go and allowing in. I mean, I think many, all things can be art. But with this art of letting go, I'm sort of meditating upon how to let go of this place. Not in the sense where, you know, um I mean I guess I am kind of saying goodbye forever in a way, because it's like, you know, when I come back, it's not it's not gonna be the same. Very different experience. Maybe I'll visit different places, meet new people, and and I know I'll come back for sure, but when I'm thinking about this trip, I think that and the art of letting go. I think that what I do is I think about every single thing that I've cherished. Every single thing that I've experienced and I've noticed that when I'm reflecting upon my trip, the moments in which I feel the richest and the most vibrant are the ones where I have moved the slowest, where I have really tapped into every single sense, every single channel, or I guess all the channels that I'm conscious of where I'm experiencing the moment. So my five senses, what I'm feeling, what I'm what I'm thinking. And I think that I think those moments I'll I'll cherish like for the rest of my life. I think about that with every time I travel. Like I met and spent some time with some really earnest, beautiful people, and I got to learn about a culture that I find so um deep and complex. I um was able to see the first week of Holy Week here, Samarasanta, and I thought it was a beautiful ceremony. And now reflecting on all the different parts I've visited from the Biza to southeastern Spain to south of Spain and Lucia, I am just so grateful for for every moment. Like I think that's all I can do when I let go. I think I can just be grateful. Be grateful that it happened and be grateful that um I got to experience it. I mean what a what a blessing and what a privilege it is to experience uh a land that is in my own. So as I board the plane today, I think I'm just going to give thanks and write down all the different things that happened and let go of my journey so I can allow the next chapter to move in. And I'm very excited about the next chapter. I think I'm gonna go paint and become obsessed with my oil paints once again. I'm craving a level of devotion that I experienced last fall where I just trapped myself in my attic and I just painted and painted and painted. And I also want to learn new things too. And spend time with familiar faces as well. It's like, I feel like I'm like grieving and I'm like excited at the same time, and I think I can like hold the duality for both of that. Yeah, so I'm landing in New York. And then I'll be back in Pittsburgh and I'll see my sister who I am very excited to spend time with. Oh my god, 444. I keep seeing 444 today. Holy fuck. Okay. I am in the JFK airport now. And I'm waiting at my gate to fly to Pittsburgh. I wanted to end this entry with a song that I listened to over and over again during my last obsessive period with oil paints. And I think it mirrors my experience quite accurately, like not getting this obsession out of your head. It's called Flower Bed by Sweet Tooth, an alternative rock band from Beckley, West Virginia. Enjoy. And thanks for listening. I love you.