#15. i am releasing a pattern

talking to myself about my cyclical pattern + pain of sharing truth, choosing self, and feeling immensely grateful for the moment

Transcript

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Hi, this is Krisha, and you are listening to Portals. This is my spoken journal where I share my raw navigations on the different portals of life. Here I share my art process, my inner world, and my own experiences. This space is not a self-improvement or advice platform. It's simply an experience to move alongside my journey of introspection and what I witness. Any journal prompts I offer and that I interweave in my entries are optional and offered only as reflections. You are always the authority and shepherd of your own life. Thanks for listening. It's not responded in a way that lands. Rather it provokes. That is the pattern. And now that I'm about to enter another chapter, I can feel the weight of all those patterns. Where I equated love to self-erasure because showing up as myself, wounds in all, and all of its ugliness and intensity. But I think that I've been divinely placed in all of these situations to test my faith to myself and my vulnerability to choose myself over and over again. And it has hurt so much. Like it has been incredibly lonely. And then practicing this pattern of victimization, hoping that others would change for me or receive a truth in a way that resonates. And I um I think I'm like done. Because what I'm learning now is that when I completely show up in my truth that resonates with me, then the spaces, the people, the dynamics, a community, whatever situation I find myself in, will embrace that truth. And I guess embracing can look like many different things, but I can discern between that and an egoic reaction. But I know at the end of the day that that in itself is an authentic response as well. Just to feel my freedom that I've always known was there. I know I'm in between chapters because I'm tired. And just sitting with that and loving that part. So I'm so I'm so done with like caring what people think. I'm so oh wow. It's a lot because it's like a lot of energy to care about that, you know. And I know that I'm illustrating, you know, such a cliche plot, you know, woman in her twenties spends most of her life prioritizing other people's desires and opinions to find herself again. But to actually live the story and move through that. Like I'm just reminded and I'm remembering the true nature of our souls, and sometimes you have to go through these like the material form, like what I mean, or like these like these awful experiences to move through you have to move through those awful experiences to get back to your truth. So I I'm um I'm really just thankful to be living another day as me. To have moved through so much self-rejection and shame to finally just embrace myself. What a long ass journey, and I know I'm gonna do it again. I'm sure. I'm sure. I think now all I really care about is just feeling the sun. And walking on the grass and just breathing. That's all I care about now. Like the fact that I get to step outside and experience everything around me. What a gift. I don't think I care about. I don't know. The accolades, the title, what kind of person I'm like dating, anything, any sort of external information to fulfill me. I'm like everything that I need is like here in this moment. It's like so nice to experience my skin and my lungs. That I'll have. And I've also had many other moments like this, but it's so unique in this moment. Thank you, mind. Thank you, body. Thank you, heart. Thank you, spirit, thank you, earth. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. That's like all I can. I love everything. Oh my god. Like I don't even it's not sadness that I'm feeling. I think I'm just feeling an immense gratitude. Like I don't know how to. I don't know how to like articulate it, but I feel like I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. Like I'm so happy. I'm so like see, I can't even find the words for it. Like, I just feel like I'm constantly receiving something so beautiful every day. And I'm just I'm grateful that I get to just experience that, and it's so beautiful. The universe has this really profound way of just showing me how held and protected I am. Okay, now I'm becoming aware of the fact that this may end up on my podcast. So I just want to say, like, thank you for listening to me. Be vulnerable. Thank you for just being with me and being who you are and whoever you are. I think you're exactly where you need to be. Promise. Okay, I'm gonna go eat a buffet and drink my coffee. I love you.