#18. pillow talk with self

sleepy thoughts

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Every day I'm learning about this ego. And when I think about this ego, there are a lot of thoughts like, well, when are we going to experience our community? When are we going to experience this? Like, there's this level of impatience. Like, how can we experience more love? What can we do? What can we do more? More of? It's like this, like more, more, more, this hunger. And I think I love her for that. Because I think what she is so insatiable about what she truly, truly wants is like belonging and peace. Like she just wants to figure out a way for me. To be okay. The ego is created from desiring protection after not feeling protected. You know, it's like when we're babies. And you know, I think about this with like animals and children too. Like they are so unified with the universe and consciousness. Like you can see this joyful play about them. Where they're ever presence, they're present always, and they're always observing being with the environment around them. And then, you know, what happens when we're growing older is that we we face something that, and I'm not talking about like any big trauma, we just learn more and more about our separateness. How incredibly painful it is to realize that we're not of the universe or that we're not belonging to it. And that is like the human story, right? We feel this like immense pain from from whatever it is, you know, for me specifically, of just like not feeling like I belong. Belong in groups, feeling too weird, feeling too outcasted, and then and then just worrying about what everybody thinks about me. And you know, I think this is a very much a shared human experience, right? So then the ego forms, and I think about how, you know, the parts of self, parts of me think about my teenage self, I think about my eight-year-old self. And just they're wanting to prove our worth to others. Just to find a, I don't know, some sense of knowledge, some acknowledgement that we are worth it, that we are worth witnessing. But when I'm noticing these things. I think I just want to hold compassion for myself. Or I just do. I just have this compassion for myself. It's like these beautiful, beautiful parts of self that just love the self so much that we would fight tooth and nail to find some sort of information that we are loved. Because these parts of self know that we're special, that we are really that we are truly divinely beautiful. I just simply understand that we are but a chaos in this interconnected, in this interconnected reality that we are experiencing all of these sort of heartbreaking grief and joys, and I just find myself surrendering to all of it. I find myself co-creating with my ego a lot. Yeah, sometimes it's a fight, and then and then other times I realize that it's actually just parts of me that love me too. So I want to hold space for those parts, and by hold space I mean ask those parts what they need and hold them. Ask them what they desire from this life. And then hold it with patience and awareness and compassion. I say to myself, hey, I got you. Those are beautiful ideas. Those are ideas that we can plant seeds for and move towards. And it's not gonna be as quick as you want. It's gonna take time and energy and right intention. Intention that is of the moment. I think I experience like this community within self often. Where I have all of these like multi multidimensional characters and voices all in my head, just wanting to be there for my highest good. I love human imagination, it's fun, but I also feel that this sort of quote unquote imagination is what helps me be on my path. And I know that this is my right path. This is my path because I feel trusting and trusting in whatever comes my way. I want to completely surrender. Because I know that through life's joys and suffering, the undercurrent is always love. It's always love. But I I feel it in my bones all the time. I feel that every moment of suffering that I've experienced was so that I could remember to love and to fall in love again. It is the fabric of our universe. And I guess I'm still learning how to articulate it. But I guess for me, in every like heartbreak that I've experienced, and every loss and grief, I I come back to myself, and that is where I really experience love. I get to come back to myself and all the and all the parts of self that feel so broken, that feel so rejected, so broken. And when I really hold space for those parts, when I really merely just listen to them. But I mean, do I ever want suffering? No, not no. But I've noticed that my clinging on to what I think should be unfolding, or what I think I don't know, I should be experiencing a moment that this sort of clinging onto my suffering is that is creating my suffering. So then I surrender. And I feel all the parts of me that are broken, that are quote unquote broken, but like hurt, I guess. The clinging, the parts of me that are clinging to what I think things should look like. They are the more reactive parts. The parts were that were let down, that were disappointed. So I could feel the mess of this all. I don't mean detachment by I think I mean more of this like allowing. Like, um I'm experiencing a reality where I know that everything that's meant for me will come to me and everything that isn't won't. Yeah. I'm grateful for this body. I'm very grateful that I was birthed into this body. I'm going to live in this body. I'm going to live in it. Thanks for listening. I love you.