Ep 35 - Why Secure Men Aren't Threatened by Strong Women

In this Father's Day episode of Midlife Audacity, I reflect on the men who have shaped my life—my father, my husband, mentors, coaches, and friends—and explore a question that's been on my mind:

Have we become so focused on criticizing unhealthy masculinity that we've forgotten to celebrate healthy masculinity?

This isn't a conversation about men versus women. It's a conversation about partnership, wholeness, and the masculine and feminine energies that exist within all of us.

I share my thoughts on:

✨ The difference between healthy and unhealthy masculinity
 ✨ Why secure men aren't threatened by strong women
 ✨ Masculine and feminine energy explained in simple terms
 ✨ The role of steadiness, responsibility, and support in healthy relationships
 ✨ How over-functioning and carrying everything can leave women exhausted
 ✨ What I've learned about trust, receiving, and allowing support in midlife
 ✨ Why the healthiest relationships aren't built on power, but partnership

I also share personal reflections about my father, my marriage to Steve, and the lessons I've learned about balancing strength, support, leadership, and love.

If you've ever found yourself carrying too much, trying to do it all, or wondering what healthy partnership really looks like, this episode is for you.

Because perhaps the goal isn't becoming more masculine or more feminine.

Perhaps the goal is becoming more whole.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I've been thinking a lot about the men in my life. My dad, my husband, my sons, the coaches I've worked with, the teachers I've had, mentors, friends of mine. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was a conversation that I wanted to have. Hey, hey, and welcome back to Midlife Audacity. I'm your host, Celeste Dona, teacher, writer, speaker, and guide for women who are ready to rise into their next chapter boldly, soulfully, and unapologetically. All right, let's get into it. I just got back from a weekend down at the Jersey Shore with my husband and another couple. And then we got home on Sunday morning just in time to set up for my family and Steve's family to come over for a midday barbecue/slash pool party to celebrate Father's Day. So I have been thinking a lot about men, and I've been noticing some things, right? It seems like we've become really good about talking about what's wrong with men. I hear it in my social circles, I see it on TV. There have definitely been really funny reels and TikToks that have been made criticizing, you know, men being portrayed as clueless, emotionally unavailable, controlling, immature, right? And I understand why some of these conversations have emerged. There have certainly been unhealthy expressions of masculinity throughout history. But I have found myself wondering lately have we become so focused on criticizing unhealthy masculinity that we've forgotten to celebrate healthy masculinity. Because healthy masculinity is really a beautiful thing. And honestly, I think the world could use more examples of it. When I think about my father, I don't think about perfection, right? Because there really is no such thing, but I do think about consistency, responsibility, sacrifice, support. I think about someone who got up every day and did what needed to be done for our family, for our household, um, lawn care, you know, making sure that we were always taken care of, making sure that there was enough financial security, um, making sure that he showed up at all of our events and that we knew that he was there, you know, watching from the sidelines and cheering us on in all of our endeavors. But when you're a kid, you don't always appreciate all of that, right? You see the rules, you see the things that annoy you, you see the mistakes, certainly. What you don't see is the pressure, the responsibility, the quiet burden of making sure that your family is okay. And as I've gotten older, I have gained a much deeper appreciation for that, for my parents, and especially for my dad. There's something profoundly noble about showing up day after day for the people you love. Not because you feel like it, not because someone's applauding you, but because that's what love does. And when I think about healthy masculinity or masculine energy, that's one of the first qualities that comes to mind: steadiness. Not domination, not control, but steadiness. Now, before we go any further, let's talk about masculine and feminine energy because I think those terms get misunderstood and they are not the same. I'm not talking about men versus women. I'm talking about the qualities that exist inside all of us. We all have masculine and feminine energy. So when I refer to masculine energy, I'm talking about the part of us that takes action, right? The part that builds, that leads, the part that protects, creates structure, um, moves things forward. When I talk about feminine energy, that's the part of us that creates, connects, nurtures, receives. That's our intuition. When we are in our feminine energy, we are in flow, right? So that's the difference between feminine energy and masculine energy. And when we are in feminine energy, we are bringing to life the things that our masculine side is building. So the masculine side builds it, right? It's the structure, it's the leadership, it's the action necessary, and then the femininity is what actually brings life to that. And if you think about it, that's just so feminine, right? Like femininity is bringing life to things. And here's what I've really come to appreciate the healthiest people I've ever met have access to both their feminine and masculine energies. Healthy men aren't afraid of compassion or tenderness or empathy or connection. And healthy women aren't afraid of leadership or ambition or decisiveness or action. The goal isn't to become more masculine or more feminine, the goal is to become whole, right? To be in wholeness and to have access to the full spectrum of who we are. And that brings me to something else that I've been thinking about. I wonder if men are a little confused right now, too, right? Because let's think about this. Women have changed dramatically over the last 50 years, right? We've had more opportunities, more independence, more choices, more financial freedom, and that's a beautiful thing. I love that women are showing up in that capacity and really owning the ability to be in their masculine energy, truly. But I also wonder if some men are trying to figure out what healthy masculinity looks like in this new landscape. What is leadership look like? What is partnership look like? What is providing look like? What is protecting look like? Not because women need the rescuing, but because contributing matters, purpose matters, feeling needed matters. Those aren't small questions when you think about it. If women are stepping into more leadership roles, right, then how does the man in the relationship now contribute? How does the man in the relationship also exhibit his masculine energy side, right? And allowing for him to tap into his feminy, feminine energy side, right? And one thing I've noticed about secure men is that they're actually not threatened by powerful women. It's actually the opposite, right? They appreciate them, they encourage them, they support them, they celebrate them. The healthiest men I have known don't need a woman to play small so that they can feel big. That's not strength, that's insecurity. Secure men understand that someone else's light doesn't diminish their own. A woman's success doesn't diminish the man. A woman's confidence doesn't diminish the man. A woman's voice doesn't diminish a man. We're on the same team. And honestly, I think there's been a little too much competition. Right? I think one of the most beautiful expressions of healthy masculinity is the ability to create space for other people to thrive. And I have started to notice that unfolding even in my own marriage. You know, one of the gifts of being married for a long time is getting to witness someone else's continued growth, right? People don't don't stop evolving, or at least I hope they don't. And I've watched Steve become more grounded over the years, where I think when, and I have a very masculine energy, I have a I have a strong masculine energy that comes through in a lot of ways. And I think there were times, especially early on in our marriage, that Steve was very threatened by that. And because he was threatened, he didn't really know how to act. So it became like this power struggle almost. And as we've worked on ourselves, um, I have noticed that he is allowing me to step into that power um and supporting it in ways that he was never able to do that before. You know, and just simply being more present, being more emotionally aware, and because he's becoming more comfortable with who he is, he's allowing me to be more in my my wholeness. He's allowing me to step into who I am. Um, and that's really been a beautiful thing to witness. Uh, that growth. Right? And to be honest, I've had some growth of my own. Like I said, uh I have spent seasons where I was living entirely in my masculine energy. I was the one solving everything, managing everything, planning everything, fixing everything, and organizing everything, handling everything. And I still find myself at times in that mode. I'm very aware of it. Um, and guess what? I got really good at doing all of those things. And I remember my therapist saying to me, Celeste, you're overcompensating, which then puts Steve automatically in like this other role of then doing less because you're doing it all. He automatically ends up falling into this pattern of doing less, and that became acceptable, that became our way of life, and that was putting a lot of pressure on me, and so we had to like really renegotiate our roles, and I think the more that I became whole and I stepped into wholeness and I started to really balance my masculine and feminine energies, he was able to then balance his, and he was able to actually step into that masculine role that I talked about, where he wasn't like dominating and controlling, but he was actually encouraging and supporting and celebrating um the things that I was doing. And that was very different, and that and that is such a healthier dynamic, um, you know, because when you are only operating from your masculine energy, it can become very exhausting. And on the same front, if your spouse is, you know, not able to um use his masculine energy, let's say, uh, then he I think feels like he loses a sense of purpose. And that's that's not a good feeling either, right? So it's it's all about this balancing of the feminine and the masculine energies. Um, and I think a lot of women in midlife have like confused being capable and then having to carry everything as a result of that. We've become accustomed to handling everything that we don't even realize that we're doing it anymore. I mean, I certainly didn't. And when we're always planning, fixing, organizing, controlling, carrying everything, it really leaves very little room for partnership. Very little room for support, very little room to receive, right? Um, because that's then our default. That's like the pattern. And one of the biggest lessons that I've learned in this season of life is has been realizing that not every problem is mine to solve, not every burden is mine to carry, not every outcome is mine to control. And that's not a weakness, that's wisdom. And perhaps the next lesson isn't becoming more capable, right? I've already learned that lesson. Perhaps the next lesson is trust, receiving, allowing, letting life support me, letting people support me, letting God support me. That's actually harder for me than accomplishing something. And maybe that's why this conversation matters. Because the healthiest relationships aren't built on power, they're built on trust. The man doesn't need to dominate, the woman doesn't need to control. Nobody's competing, nobody's keeping score. But we each get to bring our gifts, right? Each of us get to contribute, and that allows each of us to flourish because we're on the same team, and that changes the entire dynamic, and maybe that's what love's been trying to teach us all along. Not how to become more masculine, not how to become more feminine, but how to become more whole, how to appreciate the gifts in one another, how to stop competing, how to stop keeping score, and how to create a partnership where everyone gets to rise. So this Father's Day, I'd simply like to celebrate the good men, the steady men, the men who show up, the men who carry responsibility without needing recognition, the men who support the dreams of the people they love, the men who protect without controlling, the men who lead with integrity, the men who understand that real strength isn't measured by how much power you have over others, but by how many people feel stronger because you were in their life. I'm grateful for my father for being one of those people that made me feel stronger because of how he led. And I'm grateful for my husband for slowly evolving into that man who makes me feel stronger because of how he's now leading. And I'm grateful for every man who has shown me that strength and that kindness and how it can coexist. So happy Father's Day, and until next time, keep rising boldly, soulfully, and unapologetically. Bye bye.