Ep 43 - "It’s Fine”: The Coded Language of Self-Abandonment

Have you ever said “It’s fine” when, deep down, you knew it really wasn’t?

In this episode of Midlife Audacity, Celeste explores the subtle ways self-abandonment can show up in everyday life—and why it often doesn’t look like self-abandonment at all. It can look like being the strong one, the easygoing one, the peacekeeper, the independent one, or the woman who insists she can handle everything herself.

From “I’m fine” and “whatever” to “it’s not a big deal,” “I don’t care,” and “I’m used to it,” we develop coded language that can help us unconsciously bypass what we’re actually feeling.

But the phrase itself isn’t the problem. The reflex is.

In this episode, we explore why these patterns can become tied to safety, belonging and identity, how to recognize when you’re overriding your own truth, and one simple practice for interrupting the pattern.

Because maybe the work of midlife isn’t about becoming someone completely different.

Maybe it’s about walking yourself home.

Listen in and ask yourself one simple question:

Is it actually fine?

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Transcript

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Welcome back to Midlife Audacity. I'm your host, Celeste Dona, teacher, writer, speaker, and guide for women who are ready to rise into their next chapter boldly, soulfully, and unapologetically. Alright, you guys, I want to talk about two little words that actually have a lot of meaning packed underneath them. And the reason why this is coming up is because I caught myself writing them in my journal the other morning. As you guys know, I've been doing morning pages as part of the Artist Way uh workshop that I'm teaching in book study seminars. And the whole idea of morning pages is that you sit down and you just write three pages, you don't censor yourself, you don't edit, you let whatever is inside of you come out. And it's really a way of like draining the well, so to speak, getting rid of a lot of the things that we hold inside so that we could actually refill the well, our vessel, with the things that really excite us, that bring us joy, that allow us to really move in a flow state. So anyway, I was sitting down and I was writing my morning pages, like I've been doing for the last couple of weeks. Um, and I found that I automatically wrote it's fine. And I was in the middle of venting something out that had been bothering me. And at the end of getting all of that down onto the page, I wrote it's fine. And there was something in me that said, wait, wait just a minute. What's really going on here behind this phrase, quote, it's fine, end quote. And when I stopped for a moment and did a little investigating, became a little curious, I realized that the question that I was asking myself is, is it, is it really fine? Because clearly it wasn't fine. I had just spent however long scripting out onto the page, dumping out onto the page, something that clearly wasn't fine. And it made me wonder, how often do we do this? Something disappoints us, and we just simply blow it off with a phrase, a subconscious phrase. We don't even think about it. It's fine, it doesn't really matter, it's not a big deal, I'll get over it or we'll move on, right? Somebody crosses a boundary, and we say it's fine. We want something different in our lives, but saying so makes us so uncomfortable that we dress it up with this little phrase, it's fine. And it makes me wonder how often do we really do that? Right? And is it really healthy? Now I want to preface this by saying that there are times that it actually is fine, right? Like something happens and we make a conscious decision. You know what, this isn't worth my energy. I'm letting it go, it is fine, and I am choosing to go a different direction, or I am choosing not to make this into an issue, or I am choosing to spend my energy on something that matters more to me. That's healthy because in those moments we're actually processing, we're stepping back, and we are allowing ourselves to make a conscious choice of whether we feel like we want to put forth energy into this or not. And so that is very healthy. That is actually stepping back and processing. But what I'm talking about here is when we use these phrases automatically as a way of dismissing our true emotional feelings, right? We use these phrases to quickly dismiss ourselves. And what we actually are doing is we are self-abandoning. So, what exactly is self-abandonment? You may have heard that term, you may have seen it on somebody's post on social media, you may have heard me say that term before, either on a podcast or on some of my social media posts. I wasn't really familiar with this term, um, probably maybe a year ago, two years ago. But I've gotten myself very familiar with this term. But I will say that when you hear it, it does sound pretty dramatic, like self-abandoning, like you're packing your bags, you're walking out the door, you're leaving yourself behind. But most self-abandonment doesn't look dramatic at all. In fact, sometimes it looks really socially acceptable. It looks like you're just being nice, you're being flexible, you're keeping the peace, you're easygoing, you're being strong, you're being independent, you're being the bigger person, right? You're being grateful. And I can relate to a lot of this because I feel like I stepped into those disguises, and what I was really doing was self-abandoning. I thought I was being the bigger person. I thought that I was being strong and independent, but really what I was doing was I was um putting on that mask, that armor, in the name of independence or strength or um being the bigger person. But really, I was repeatedly disconnecting from what I was truly feeling, what I truly needed, what I truly wanted, what I truly believed to be true, all in the name of something else, all in order to maintain something else. I did that because that was a way for me to get approval or to feel like I belonged or to keep the peace. And that was an identity, right? And that identity with that armor made me feel safe. It guarded me, it protected me because getting underneath there, getting underneath that armor were intimate feelings that I wasn't ready to deal with. So I, like many women, I see I brushed it off, I pushed it aside, and I said, it's really not a big deal, it's fine, I can be this, I'm that, I'll get over it. And years and years of doing it, it actually becomes a huge defense mechanism. A huge defense mechanism. And I'm here to tell you that we can slowly start to change this pattern for ourselves, and we can really walk ourselves home to being authentic because when we self-abandon, we are literally moving out of authenticity, we are moving further and further away from acknowledging our true self and standing in our truth. And when we get ourselves into this habit of saying whatever catchphrase we use, right, everyone might have a little bit of a different catchphrase. Um, when we get used to saying those phrases, automatically, right, it can over time become very exhausting to continue to carry everything because you feel like you're the one that has to handle it. And it can also feel very disappointing when you constantly are bypassing your true feelings on the situation simply to keep the peace, to make everybody around you feel more comfortable. But what about your own discomfort? And we often ignore that, we put that on the back burner like it doesn't really matter, but it does. It really does matter. And here's a distinction that I would like to make also, because I think that this also comes up when talking about self-abandoning. If you compromise, let's say you're working with a partner and you come to a compromise, is that self-abandoning? And that's not, that's different because when you compromise, you are making a conscious decision to do so. You're saying, I love someone enough that I'm willing to see their point of view on this situation or their perspective, and I see my point of view, and we are coming to a middle. We're coming to um like a uh a stance where we both feel like we are getting a little bit of what we want. That's different than self-abandoning, because self-abandoning is when your your trueness is never getting considered. You are constantly sacrificing yourself um in the name of it's fine or it doesn't matter. And that's not the same thing. Remember, we're talking about these automatic subconscious uh phrases that come out and we're not even aware that we're really doing it. And every time we do it, we are moving away from being connected. We're moving away from connection to God, we're moving away from being connected to our soul, we're moving away from being connected to authenticity and from our true self. So you might recognize maybe it's not it's fine. Maybe that's not the phrase you particularly use. Maybe it's whatever, or I'm good. Maybe the one that you use is it's not a big deal. Here's one. My husband uses this a lot. I don't care. That's his coded language for I don't want to be vulnerable and speak my truth and have my feelings expressed and share that this is really making me sad or upset or uncomfortable or angry. So instead of opening up, I'm going to bypass it all, armor up, and I will say, I don't care. That's his go-to phrase. Mine, apparently, is it's fine, because that's what I ended up writing in my journal. So that's what got me really curious about, hmm, what's going on here. Um, maybe your catchphrase is it's easier if I just do it myself and you find yourself saying that a lot. Or what about a phrase like, it could be worse? Not acknowledging what you're in doesn't feel good because you always just say to yourself, it could be worse. Maybe that's your phrase, right? Or maybe your phrase is I'm probably overreacting. Like, no, no, no, it's me, it's my fault, I'm overreacting. Obviously, this is not something that matters. Ah, but does it? Does it matter? You really have to think, and maybe this is hitting home to you. Maybe this is bringing up something in you because you're seeing yourself in some of these and going, oh my god, I do say that. I do say that. Or maybe yours is it'll all work out. It will all work out one step at a time, and you find yourself using that as your phrase. Um, or maybe it's I don't want to make a big deal about it. That's sort of similar to the other one that I just said, like, I'm probably overreacting, right? I'm probably overreacting, or I don't want to make a big deal about it. Or maybe it's the phrase, I'm used to it. And you know what's funny is I just wrote a work email where I used the phrase, unfortunately, our team is used to this happening at the beginning of the school year. And I didn't think of that until right now, that I used, I'm used to it, quote unquote, as my little cover-up. But what I really was feeling is like, this is not right. I'm very frustrated by this. I don't like that this happens every single summer. And I'd like to come up with ways where we can avoid these kinds of changes happening because we spend an awful lot of time in June trying to figure things out so that we don't have these problems at the end of August, and yet every year we're here in the same spot. That's what I really wanted to say. But in the name of putting on that armor and bypassing my emotions and self-abandoning my truth, I said, we're used to it. Like it's not that big a deal. Hmm, right? It really does make you stop and think, how often are you using these phrases? Now, again, none of these phrases are inherently unhealthy, right? It's just that they've come to be, they've come to be these automatic phrases where it becomes a reflex. They come out of our mouth so quickly that we don't even really have an awareness how often we use them. That's that's the point that I'm trying to make. It's not necessarily the phrase that's the problem. It's how quickly do these words come out? Did we actually check in with ourselves first to say, how are we truly feeling here in this moment? What is the feeling that's coming up for us? Are we doing that? Or are we not? Are we simply just spitting these out as a reflex, just subconsciously? And this is where awareness is so super important, right? Because if we stopped for a moment and checked in with how we were feeling, then we can make a conscious choice, right? Instead of the phrase just flying out of our mouth before we even had a chance to decide if that's really the truth or not. And I want us to really think about that. The words that we use, what words do we use at the end of the conversation with ourselves that, you know, keeps us from being true to ourselves, keeps us from oneness and connectedness. So why do we do this? Like, well, I think I explained a little bit before. This is the part where I think we need to have some compassion for ourselves because these patterns did not come out of nowhere, right? At some point, they may have worked. You know, being easygoing may have helped you maintain a connection. Being the strong one may have made you feel valuable. Not needing anything may have protected you from disappointment. Keeping the peace may have helped you feel safe at one point or another in your younger world, right? Being positive may have earned you approval. So these phrases served a purpose. They did. But maybe somewhere along the way you learned that being loved, accepted, needed, or included was easier when you were a particular version of yourself. So you became that version, the capable one, the easy one, the positive one, the peacekeeper, the one who doesn't need a lot. And eventually you don't even realize you're doing it anymore. Your body recognizes the familiar pattern and says, ah, yeah, okay, we're safe here. We know how to do this. And out comes the reflex phrase, it's fine, or whatever, or I don't care, before the conscious mind even has had time to stop and give it a chance to think. And this is where identity enters the conversation. Because eventually this becomes bigger than learning how to say no. The deeper question really becomes: who did I learn to be in order to feel safe, loved, accepted, or needed? And is that still who I choose to be? Because that's an entirely different conversation. And I think it's incredibly important to be having this conversation with yourself in midlife. Because so much of this season, ladies, is about looking at identities we've carried for decades and asking, is this actually me? Do I still believe this? Do I still want this? Does this still fit? And maybe the work isn't about becoming someone completely different. Maybe it's about walking yourself home. I love that phrase, right? Walking yourself home. Because self abandonment happens in all of these tiny moments when we leave ourselves. We leave our feelings. We leave what we know. We leave what we want. And we override our body. We quietly say yes because we're afraid it's going to make somebody uncomfortable if we say no. We dismiss the desires that we have because wanting them feels awfully risky. We become who we believe we need to be to maintain connection or safety. So maybe this whole notion of recovery is learning to walk ourselves back home. And it doesn't have to be some gigantic life-changing decision to do that. You can begin in incredibly small moments. Every time you catch yourself saying things like, it's fine. And then you stop and you pause long enough, like I happen to do in my writing, and ask, but is it? And that one pause, because you were aware, that one pause is that step home. Every time you acknowledge, that actually hurts. That's a step home. No, I actually don't want to do that. That's a step home. Actually, you know what? I do need help. I don't have to do this all by myself. That's a step home. I actually do want more. This is not how I want to live anymore. That's a step home, ladies. Oh, you know, I'm actually changing my mind. That's a step home. Because it's in these little moments, it's in the pause where we step back and we give ourselves that moment to really be curious enough to ask, is this just a reflex reflex that I'm used to? Or is this actually how I feel? So here's what I want you to try this week. Don't change anything yet. Don't go home and start setting 48 boundaries and don't analyze every relationship in your life. Just notice your language. Catch the code, especially when you hear yourself saying things like, it's fine, or I don't care, or it's not a problem, or I'll figure it out, or whatever. Instead of saying these automatic phrases, pause. And if you want, right in that moment, and this is where we start to make change, put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, is it actually fine? That's it. You don't have to immediately do anything with the answer. You don't have to confront anyone, you don't have to make a decision, you don't have to fix it. Just tell yourself the truth. Is it actually fine? And then notice what happens in your body. Do you tighten? Do you feel relief? Does anger come up? Sadness? Do you suddenly know the answer before your brain starts trying to explain it away? Just notice. Because awareness creates a pause. And inside that pause, we get something incredibly powerful. We get choice. And maybe that's where audacious living actually begins. Not with some, you know, enormous leap. Not with a blowing up your life change. Not with becoming a completely different woman overnight. Maybe it begins in the tiny moment when you stop saying it's fine long enough to hear back what you actually feel. And every time you do that, every time you listen, every time you honor what your body is telling you, you walk yourself a little bit closer to home. So this week, pay attention to the words you're using at the end of conversations with yourself. And when you catch one, just get curious. Maybe put a little question mark where you've been putting a period. It's fine, becomes is it fine? And see what you discover. You'll s you'll see something powerful starts to shift. All right, ladies, till next time. Keep being bold, keep being soulful, and keep being audacious. Bye bye.