Episode 31: The Growth Trap: The Constant Cycle of Self-Improvement

Are you caught in a cycle of constant self-improvement, feeling like you're never enough? This episode explores how the obsession with growth can actually hinder your well-being and how to instead foster self-love and acceptance in the present moment.

In this episode:

• The pervasive mindset that growth requires constant fixing and self-criticism
• How focusing only on problems can reinforce feelings of inadequacy
• The importance of balancing growth with self-acceptance and celebration of current self
• Recognising when growth becomes an addictive pattern rather than nourishing
• The distinction between learning for development versus consumption for enjoyment
• Practical questions to evaluate if your growth practices are supportive or draining
• How to integrate joy and presence into your growth journey
• The value of outcome-less experiences for grounding and true self-awareness
• The role of self-compassion and connection in fostering sustainable growth

Resources & Links:

• Your Free Hypnosis & Meditation Track : Self Love 
• KMC - Work With Me

Connect with Katie Murray:

• Instagram
• Email: info@katiemurraycoaching.com.au

Much love and remember: You are already whole, enough, and worthy - just as you are. Growth can happen from a place of love, not obligation.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome. This is to our core with Katie Murray, and this is the place where we peel back our layers to uncover who we really are at our centre. At our core. And think of it as a chat with your bestie, the one who can make you laugh until your belly hurts, who is ridiculously unfiltered, and will lovingly call you forward to help you cut through the noise and get real with yourself. Around here, nothing is off limits. And we are mixing this up with equal parts of humor and heart. So let's dive right in. Okay, let's chat. Let's get straight into it because I am seeing a thing. And so I thought I would bring that theme to you and see whether or not this is something that you've been noticing as well. Because in the online space, social media, etc., and also in my conversations with clients, what I'm seeing is that there is this idea that in order to grow, you have to constantly be fixing yourself. That you're not where you want to be yet, or there are still parts of you that you want to work on. And then you don't really get to feel content with yourself right now. And I think that this is played on a little bit in the online space in terms of coaches who focus predominantly on people's pain points. Like what's wrong with you? This is your struggle, this is your experience, this is what's getting in your way. And I deliberately don't like to coach from that space. Yes, it's important to illuminate challenges that people may experience. I think that that can help people feel seen in their experience. They can feel less alone in it. However, if my core way of showing up online is to focus on the problem, then I'm part of the problem. And this is what I think is becoming a little bit generic in that online space. And also I'm seeing clients come to me with this belief that I have a goal for this, and I therefore can't own where I'm at right now. Like happiness is something that I will earn later once I've done all the work on myself, once I'm evolved, once I'm grown, once I'm healed in inverted commas. And it can sound very reasonable on the surface, like especially if you are someone who is self-aware or you're reflective and you'll genuinely want to grow. Yet when you really sit with it, it can actually create this sense of quiet pressure when you're always looking at yourself through this lens of what still needs to change. And it can also make it feel really hard to just feel okay with who you are right now. And I don't believe, honestly, that this comes from a bad place. If anything, what I find is that it usually comes from people who are very thoughtful, they are very emotionally intelligent, and they are willing to look at themselves honestly. And that's never a bad thing. So you might be someone who reflects on your behavior, great, or you want to communicate better, awesome, or who notices your patterns, and you actively want to work on your mindset and your emotional health. Fabulous. They all are really positive things. Yet somewhere along the way, it can turn into this underlying belief that there is always something to fix. That's when I think it becomes problematic. That you're a kind of work in progress in a way that actually never really settles for you. And the more self-aware that you become, the easier it is to spot things you can improve on yourself. So you notice how you reacted in a conversation, you notice where you held back, you notice where you felt triggered by something, and you notice where you could have done better. And instead of that awareness feeling empowering and enlightening, it can start to feel heavy. Like you are constantly auditing yourself. And this shows up in really everyday kind of ways. You might have a great day. Things go really smoothly for you and you feel good. And then later, you know, as you're laying in bed that night, your mind drifts to that one moment where you perhaps didn't handle something perfectly. Maybe you got a bit short with someone, or it was that you avoided a conversation that needed to be had, or you started second-guessing yourself. And instead of holding the full picture of the day, your focus starts to narrow in on that one thing. Or you achieve something that you have been working towards, goaling towards. And instead of letting yourself enjoy it when you achieve it, your brain immediately moves on to what's next. What's the next goal here? The next level, the next version of you that you need to become. And it can also show up in your relationships. You might find yourself analysing how you show up with people, wondering, am I communicating well enough? If you're being secure enough, if you're doing things the right way, once again, insert inverted commas around the right way, because what is even the right way? And instead of being present, you're kind of observing yourself from the outside at the same time. Even rest can feel like something that you have to justify internally to yourself. I've talked about this before on the podcast where you might sit down and relax and think, you know, should I be doing something more productive? Like, is this the most useful uh way to grow myself, to evolve myself, to invest in myself, or am I just wasting time here? Or even like on an emotional level, you might feel like you're not allowed to just have an off day. You gotta be like your top game all the time, like the best version of yourself in all interactions, in your mindset, in the way that you view the world. Like if you feel flat or overwhelmed or reactive, there's a part of you that immediately goes off like on a tangent of, why am I like this? I should be further along than this, or you know what else? I just need to do more work on myself because I'm not good enough. I keep doing this. And that's the part that can start to feel like a lot, like a lot. And at some point, you might start to realize that the way that you're approaching growth is actually making you feel worse, not better. And I've had this moment myself. There was a phase where I was only reading personal development books. I was only listening to podcasts about growth. I was only consuming coaching resources. Everything I took in and consumed had a purpose. To improve, to learn, to expand, to be better. Both for myself and for the people that I coach. And on the surface, that can sound like a really positive thing. And I talk a lot with my clients about being intentional with what they consume, whether that's online, whether that's watching the news, whether or not it's who they surround themselves with, the environment that they're in. Yet what I didn't realize at the time was that I had completely lost space for anything that didn't have an outcome attached to it. I stopped reading fiction. Hello, Colleen Hoover. I used to love reading Colleen Hoover. I stopped engaging with stories just for the sake of being immersed in them. And it wasn't until I actually picked up a fictional book again, Welcome Back, Colleen Hoover, something with no agenda, no lesson, no how-to guide, that I realized how much I'd been missing. There was joy in it. There was imagination. There was emotional connection with fantasy or make-belief in a completely different way. And you know what? It wasn't about fixing myself. It was about experiencing something. And it made me reflect on how even something as healthy as learning and growing can become in balance. Where the thirst for growth becomes so constant that you don't even stop to ask, is this actually nourishing me or am I just consuming me? Like, is this quenching your thirst here? Is it actually quenching your thirst? You know, juice. I'm not a huge fan of juice, I've got to be honest. I mean, the freshly squeezed juice, yeah, it's nice. Also, I know that juice does not quench my thirst when I'm thirsty. You know what does? Water. Water. Katie, mental note to drink more water. Yet I could see it as like I am consuming liquid here. However, it's not doing the job that my body necessarily needed it to. And that's where I want to talk about the difference between growth and integration. So if you're just constantly consuming growth, resources, knowledge without joy, without presence, without embodiment, guess what? It can feel empty. And it can lead to that thing of why am I not seeing this transpire in my lives? Like I've listened to all the podcasts, I've listened or like I've read, you know, all the books, all the shelf help books, and yet I'm still doing the same behaviors. And in recent years, I've come to truly resonate with the idea that you can hold both things at once, your desire to grow, and also that you are absolutely okay right now. And this is something that's really shaped how I coach. Yes, I'm a coach. I I am not there though, however, to sit across from someone and subtly reinforce all the ways they need to change. It is instead about holding a balance. I am here. I am your biggest advocate. I am the cheerleader for you to support your growth, to help people see their patterns, to challenge them, to create a space where they can expand their thinking. Yes, I'm there for that. Yet equally, and honestly, just as importantly, I am there to celebrate the hell out of who they are already, to reflect back their strengths, their self-awareness, their resilience, the things that they may not yet be able to see in themselves. Because if growth is only ever coming from a place of I'm not good enough yet, it's never gonna land. It just becomes about moving the goalposts constantly. So in my coaching, it's and both. It's yes, I see your desire for change, and I honor that. And also, I celebrate you for who you are right now. You do not need fixing. We nurture the desire to change in that space while grounding really deeply in the truth that you are already worthy as you are, not one or the other, both. So if you're listening to this and you're recognizing this in yourself, like I am a gross junkie, like I am consuming, consuming, consuming, consuming, yet not actually seeing it being effective, like in my life being effective, it may not be the resources that are issue. That constant pull toward growth and learning and improving, it may be addictive in itself, yet not actually the tangible thing that moves the needle for you. So I just want to offer you a few ways that you can gently check in with yourself around this. Not to stop growing, yet instead to make sure it's actually supporting you. So firstly, I want you to just sit with this question, and that's to ask yourself, is this nourishing or am I just consuming? To give me a little dopamine hit, like I just listened to a podcast episode and I feel good afterwards. And alongside that question of, is this nourishing or am I just consuming? There is a secondary question to that, and that is how do I know it's nourishing? What evidence do I see that this is actually enhancing me? When you're reading, you're listening, you're learning, check in. Do you actually feel grounded, clearer, more connected to yourself? Or do you feel like you're just chasing more, adding more, needing more? Because if you are, that's not embodied learning. That's consumerism where you don't actually put it in like in terms of integration or embodiment. Second of all, I really think this is an important one, and that is to notice the emotional driver underneath it. Is your desire to grow coming from curiosity or instead from a quiet belief that who you are right now isn't enough? Because they are very different starting points. And when I hear this coming through my coaching clients and I hear this theme of I will celebrate myself or I will feel happy or I will feel content when I am dot dot, when I have grown, when I have like I feel evolved, it's like this intangible carrot that just keeps moving like on a string. Like you're just always out of reach. You're just constantly stuck in another cycle of I will be enough. I will be worthy when.au. I invite you to start a conversation if you are in a space of one, wanting to grow from a place of really inviting in change and wanting to break cycles and habits. And also if you're seeing a theme of it being driven from a place of feeling unworthy, because I can do both. You can come to me with that positive intention, like I deserve this, I'm worthy of this change, or you could come to me and ask for support around getting to the root cause of what's the emotional driver behind your constant desire for change and growth. And thirdly, create space for experiences that have no outcome. You are the outcome. Your experience of life is the outcome. I don't mean to be doom and gloom. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. If you keep pinning your aspirational happiness or contentment or feeling feelings of worthiness to some date in the future, why are you prolonging that when you could have it right now? Where you could step into that right now, where you could claim that for yourself right now. And also still be open to expansion and change and growth and evolution and being even better. I want to invite you to just go out outcomeless. Read something just for enjoyment. Go for a walk without a podcast. See if you notice the birds chirping in the trees or the sound of the waves lapping against the sand or kids laughing in a school playground as you pass them. See what you notice when you give yourself space to not constantly be in this growth trap. Because you might just find that's where growth is. Have a conversation with yourself or with someone else where you're not overanalyzing yourself in real time. Let yourself just be honest with yourself, honest with other people. And this is something I actively bring into my coaching with clients because it's not just about giving clients tools or frameworks. It's about helping them slow down enough to actually feel where they're operating from, to notice where growth has tipped into self-pressure or self-criticism, and to gently instead shift back into something that feels supportive, not a checklist that you're ticking off in order to get your status of being good enough, something that's exhausting you. And if there's one thing that I really invite you to take from this, it's that you don't have to earn the right to feel okay about yourself. You don't have to wait until you've worked through everything, that you've improved everything, or you've become some better version of yourself. And that's what I see in the online space as well. Coaches not showing up when they're in the thick of it. They're showing up when they're through it. And I get it, everyone likes a before and after in terms of like, wow, it's great to see your progress and your evolution and how you came out the other side. And also, it doesn't necessarily make us feel more connected to each other, which I think is the purpose of social media. I know it might not feel like that right now. Hello, advertising and sponsored posts. However, that's why I go online is to connect with people, either through the content that I provide or in my DMs or engaging with other people's content. You don't have to wait until you're on the other side to feel okay about yourself. And that's why I show up online in the midst of what I'm going through. Because if it's not this, it'll be something else in the future that I expand, stretch, and grow through. And guess what? That version of yourself that you might be like putting aspirational hopes on, that version of you, when you get there, it's probably gonna keep evolving anyway. And if you're always tying your sense of self to who you're becoming next, guess what? You are gonna miss the chance to actually be here with who you are now. Which is already a very whole, very worthy, very enough person. Yes, you may still be growing, you may still be learning, you may still be changing, yet you are not lacking. You are not lacking. And if this is something that you have been feeling, I have actually added a free resource in the show notes today. It's a guided meditation that I wrote around self love and how you can relate to yourself with care and compassion and gentleness. Something simple for you, something free for you, yet really grounding. To support you in softening that inner voice and reconnecting with yourself as you are. Listen to it as you go to sleep at night. You would be surprised. And for those people that go, oh no, I can't listen to things at night because I just fall asleep. Can we trust that your unconscious mind is aware of things that you may not be consciously aware of? In fact, the more relaxed you are, the more light sleep you are in, your brainwaves are actually operating in a really hypnotic state where almost like the gatekeeper of your analytical mind, your prefrontal cortex, just relaxes and has a little snooze. So those messages can go through to your unconscious mind more naturally without you adding a critique or no, but not me, those kind of analysis thoughts around it. So if you want to listen to it, as you first wake up in the morning, you're still drowsy or you're going to sleep, that's a perfect time to listen to this meditation and allow yourself to more fully absorb it. You know, because I really want you to hear that the shift isn't about doing more. Yes, I invite people into this coaching work with me and it's hugely valuable. And also I invite you to do it from a place where you're like, you know, I'm pretty great, I'm pretty good. And also I want to be, I want to be continuing to evolve and grow and learn, and I can do that from a place of self-love. And maybe the actual whole experience of growth and that growth trap really comes down to how you're relating to yourself in the middle of it. Much love. Send me a DM about what you thought about this podcast episode and whether or not you've found yourself in the growth trap. And I will chat to you next week. Thanks for spending time with me today on To Al Core. If something landed in your heart or gave you a much needed giggle, consider sharing it with a friend who also may need this as a timely reminder. And go. You know you want to. Give me a five-star review so that this podcast can land in the ears of many, many more people. Because remember that life is too short to stay on the surface. Keep living, loving, and laughing all the way to your core. Go make life great. And if you want support around this, go to the show notes to find out more. Until next time, I'll meet you back here with more truth, laughter, and a whole lot of heart.