Episode 37: Ok.. Apparently I Am Intimidating... And We Need To Chat About This

In this episode, Katie Murray unpacks the often misunderstood perception of being intimidating, especially for women, and how embracing authenticity and clarity can be a strength rather than a liability. She shares personal insights, societal conditioning, and practical perspectives on owning your presence without shrinking yourself.

Key topics:

• The difference between genuine authenticity and strategic softening
• Why being clear and grounded can be perceived as intimidating
• Society's conditioning on women to be accommodating and non-threatening
• The importance of owning your voice and boundaries
• How feedback and perception shape our self-image
• The concept that “intimidating” might actually be about others’ discomfort, not your behaviour
• The significance of unfiltered honesty and self-trust in leadership and relationships
• Moving from self-doubt to self-acceptance and empowering others by example

 Resources:

• Radical Candor Book: Business Leadership Book For Better Bosses  A guide on honest communication and leadership
• Your Free Hypnosis & Meditation Track - foster confidence, compassion and calm from within by Katie Murray

Connect with Katie Murray:

• Instagram
• Email: info@katiemurraycoaching.com.au

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome. This is to our core with Katie Murray, and this is the place where we peel back our layers to uncover who we really are at our centre, at our core. And think of it as a chat with your bestie, the one who can make you laugh until your belly hurts, who is ridiculously unfiltered, and will lovingly call you forward to help you cut through the noise and get real with yourself. Around here, nothing is off limits. And we are mixing this up with equal parts of humour and heart. So let's dive right in, okay? Let's just have a chat today because I want to talk about something that has followed me for really, really, really, really, really, really long. Lee, I am intimidating. I know it comes as much as a shock to me as it does to you. And every time I hear that, I have this like internal little moment, like a glitch, where I'm like, are we talking about the same person? Because anyone that actually truly knows me knows I'm very silly and I'm not that serious. And I certainly do not walk into any room thinking, ooh, whose feathers can I ruffle today? Like I'm not out here trying to intimidate anyone. There is no strategy or performance or even this intentional presence that I hold myself in that I think, ooh, you know, this is gonna give me the winning edge. I might intimidate people with it. What I am really like sure about, though, is that I am clear in how I speak, so I don't fluff. I get to the point, I share my thoughts in a way that is not gonna confuse people. I'm really grounded in what I believe. And I'm also pretty unavailable for pretending just to make things comfortable when that is ultimately gonna make the discomfort last longer for everyone because no one actually knows how I feel about anything or what I stand for or my opinion on something. And can I just say that when I share my thoughts and my opinions, even on this podcast, they're just mine. I I'm not trying to convert anyone. I'm not trying to get a posse together, I'm not trying to intimidate you into submission to believing my viewpoints. I'm just sharing what I think in a way that I'm really clear on and grounded in. And apparently that's enough. That's all it takes. And you know what the best one is that I've ever been told? It's that I have an intimidating walk. An intimidating walk. Did you know that was a thing? Because I didn't until I was told that apparently I have one. Mate. I am just walking to the printer. Calm down. I this like I have an objective, and it is to get to the printer. That's it. Like, how should I walk to the printer? Should I prance there? Or should I add a little skip or a twirl? Would that like make me more approachable if I soften my footsteps and like glide to the printer? Would that make me less intimidating? Honestly, I think this is wild when you think about it, because all I'm doing is moving with intention. And even that gets labeled as intimidating, which has actually made me think maybe what people are actually reacting to isn't intimidation. It's the fact that I'm not playing any game. Maybe the games that we've been taught when we were little to just nod and smile and be palatable. Or just not to like take up too much space. So let's unpack this. Because when I've been curious with people, like I don't get offended by people saying that. I celebrate them in owning their opinion and their perspective. And also I'm really curious to hear more about what they mean when they say the word intimidating. And what those conversations from genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness has led me to is that they're rarely talking about what they think I may have been talking about. They're not actually saying, oh, you're scary, or even that you're unapproachable, or you're just too much. Their responses to me have been: you just seem so self-assured. And you don't look around the room in this constant need for validation. And you sure certainly don't shrink to make other people comfortable, and you do not fear authority at all. You will tell someone who may hold a very high-up position in whatever role they're in, um exactly what you think. You hold your boundaries, and no one ever has to worry about whether or not you say what you mean. You sugarcoat things. No, that's not you. And that you know what? That can actually feel quite confronting for people who aren't used to standing in that themselves. So suddenly your certainty, my certainty in who I am, what I believe in, how I hold myself, can become their discomfort. And instead of digging into that and naming it, what can happen is that people label you intimidating. Now I've I'm gonna be really honest, and that is that there was a time when that label really got to me. Because I didn't want to be intimidating. I still don't want to be intimidating. I just understand now that there's more layers to that word than just what we may have initially interpreted it as. But like it really got to me because I wanted to be liked. And I want to be approachable. I still do really want to be approachable. And for a large part of my life, I wanted to be the easy, cruisy, chill Katie, and I wanted to be really warm. And that's how I wanted people to describe me. And I think a lot of women do. And so what I started to do was soften myself, and that was strategic. So the way that I held myself in walking to the printer, that wasn't strategic. However, it became strategic when I felt, ooh, I might not be accepted for being me. So I'll be strategic and I will soften myself. And so what I found myself doing is saying, I just think that, um, or I guess, I guess this could be the case, or I would second guess what I was about to even say, or I would add disclaimers like this is this is just my opinion, or I would laugh things off, or I would just sit passively and shrink my opinions and not add value to a conversation, or I would dilute my delivery. I had one manager say to me, You do not realize the power in which you speak. Like it was a bad thing. Like just be aware of the power that you have when you speak. And I'm like, uh, okay, I'm not really sure what to do with that. Do I become powerless in how I speak? Should we not be talking about something that we care about with conviction? And you know, the diluting everything about myself. You know, that energy of I'm gonna say something honest and first let me wrap it in five layers of cushioning so that I can guarantee that everyone feels okay about it. You know what? I can't guarantee that everyone is gonna feel okay, even if I do wrap it in five layers of cushioning. Because that would mean that I could control someone's perception or reaction or their own individual thoughts about what I was saying. And I can't do that. Yet I thought if I just cushion it so much, then I'll be accepted. And I will no longer be intimidating. Yet here's the thing. When you shrink to be less intimidating, you don't just lose your edge, your uniqueness, you lose yourself, you lose clarity and conviction and your presence and your honesty. And over time, you can start feeling really disconnected from who you actually are because you are constantly editing yourself in real time, trying to manage how everyone else experiences you, and that is exhausting. Now let me be very clear. I don't have to be a bulldozer in order to be honest. I don't have to be arrogant and talk over the top of people just to have my viewpoint heard. I can still deliver a message that is true and clear and present and based in the conviction that I believe and deliver it with kindness. So what shifted for me was that when I got this feedback from people, and I tell you what, I did not make this shift for several years. Where we're looking at in like decades here of carrying around this, can't be intimidating, water yourself down, soften, cushion, cushion, cushion. Yet it shifted for me when I started asking different questions of myself. So instead of saying, why, why am I intimidating? Why is everyone saying I'm intimidating? And also that's a generalization, not everyone was saying I was intimidating. Yet I latched on to the people that did, rather than the people that knew me, and would never have described me as that. Who actually felt an increasing incredible level of safety with me in their relationships with me, because of who I was when I was genuinely, authentically me. I instead started asking a question: What am I reflecting back to people? Because often when someone experiences you as intimidating, it's because, and this statement might feel intimidating for you or even trigger some ammunition that you have inside of you. And I ask you to hold that just for a moment while you hear this statement. The reason why people might experience you as intimidating is because you remind them of a standard they're not holding themselves to. You say things that they would avoid saying. You take up space in a way they don't feel permission to do so. You are not performing in the ways that they have learned to survive. So this is not about me being too much, but as I've said on a previous podcast episode, if I'm too much for you, that's fine, go choose less. It is not my job to be less than for anyone else to make them comfortable. It is about you being unfiltered in a world that rewards filtering. This word, intimidating, is used a lot for women. A man who is direct, decisive, confident, is often described or seen as strong, a leader, assertive. A woman with those same traits, intimidating. And that's where we have to acknowledge conditioning. Because many of us women were raised to be agreeable, accommodating, emotionally responsible for everyone else, and whatever you do, don't be too much. So when you step outside of that, guess what? People don't always know what to do with you. This is a stark truth that I hold. That I've had to learn to sit with because it did not come naturally to me at the start, and that is not everyone is gonna feel comfortable around you, and that's not your responsibility to fix. You can understand it, and you can accept it, and it doesn't require adapting yourself because the people who are aligned with you won't experience you as intimidating. They will love you for how clear you are, for how grounded you are, for how authentic you are, for how refreshing you are, for the honesty that you give them, and for the safety that you hold for them, they're your people. So if you have ever been called intimidating, I invite you to consider this. Maybe you're not intimidating, or that's not a label that you need to carry, it's a perception from someone else, and that is not your responsibility to manage or hold. Maybe if you unpacked what intimidating actually meant for them, if you engage them in a curious conversation instead of defensiveness, maybe you'll hear them actually define it as self-led, self-trusting, clear, grounded, unwilling to abandon yourself, and you don't play small. And if you unpack that with them, and you actually get a greater understanding, you'll move away from ever trying to want to soften that. Because that's your superpower, and that's something for you to own. And if someone finds that intimidating, maybe it's not your job to become a smaller. Maybe it's your opportunity to reach a handout and invite them into being true for themselves, to having the courage to speak up, to be so clear and so grounded in what they believe in that they never ever feel like they have to water that down. And let's be clear, my surety in knowing who I am, my goals, my vision, my wants, my desires, my voice, it does not have to come at the cost of hearing other people's. In fact, it makes me even more welcoming because I know that when someone speaks up and speaks from their truth, the courage it takes to do that, and that they are being truly authentic about what they believe. And there's no performance. And that, my friend, is what I want for everyone. So you being strong in what you believe in, even if it is just walking to the printer with purpose, that doesn't separate you from others. It can actually connect you with the people who are meant for you, your tribe. Thanks for spending time with me today on Tour Core. If something landed in your heart or gave you a much needed giggle, consider sharing it with a friend who also may need this as a timely reminder. And go on. You know you want to. Give me a five-star review so that this podcast can land in the ears of many, many more people. Because remember that life is too short to stay on the surface. Keep living, loving, and laughing all the way to your core. Don't make life great. And if you want support around this, go to the show notes to find out. Until next time, I'll meet you back here with more truth. Laughter.