Why You Struggle to Trust Yourself (And Where It Really Comes From)

If you often find yourself second-guessing your decisions, needing reassurance from others, or feeling like you’re never quite doing enough, you’re not alone. 

In this episode, Nisha and Clare (grief specialist and coach) explore how early relational experiences, particularly with our mothers or maternal figures, can quietly shape the way we see ourselves, how we seek validation, and how safe it feels to trust our own voice.

We can grow up learning to read other people’s needs before our own, doubting our instincts, or feeling responsible for keeping the peace. In this conversation, we unpack how these patterns show up in adulthood, in relationships, work, and the pressure we place on ourselves, and what it actually looks like to begin shifting them.

We also talk about how healing begins with understanding these patterns with compassion, reconnecting with your inner authority, and building the self-trust needed to grow into the woman you want to be.

If this episode resonates and you’d like support exploring these themes further, I currently have a couple of spaces available and you’re very welcome to reach out. Work With Me: Request Your Consultation Call

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

With Mother's Day coming up, it felt like an important moment for us to explore a form of grief that often goes unnamed. Most of us understand grief when someone dies, but there's also another side to that coin. There's also the grief of when something is still living but not fully processed. Something that many people carry very quietly. It's the grief of not receiving the emotional presence, achievement, or safety that they needed when they were younger. Today we're exploring the mother wound and the grief that can come from relationships where love may have been present in some ways but emotionally absent in other ways. I'm joined by grief specialist and coach Claire, and together we're looking at two sides of the same coin today: grieving someone who has been lost, and also grieving the love, connection, and emotional achievement that we hoped for but never really had. And it's important to say here that this doesn't only come from mothers as well. There is also something referred to as the father wound, but that is something we'll say for another episode. Today we're focusing on the relational imprint that comes from a mother channel. Claire, grief isn't just about losing somebody, but it's also around losing the possibility of what we hoped for.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Absolutely. Yeah, a big part of grief is unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations. So if we think about childhoods where we didn't get our needs met, or we didn't get to enjoy a childhood actually often, that it became a space where you had to grow up very quickly, potentially even became the parent very, very early on. Is that as you grow and develop, because you might not even recognize it as grief when you were younger, you just it's a sense of sadness. But as you grow and develop, that those feelings that you were uh that you didn't get met sit there, um, and becomes frozen grief, and then over a time throughout your life doesn't get to um or it can it becomes a weight that you're carrying.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

It does it that like you say, that frozen grief doesn't thaw out and as adults and it gets carried into the rest of our lives, and I think it has that impact on every single relationship, yeah. Right? It just branches out, it fans out into everything. Relationships with um wider family, with um siblings, with work colleagues, romantic relationships with friends as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Particularly with the wound with our mother, so it's an attachment wound. So if we think about our relationship with our mother, it's our first intimate relationship. Yeah, so if that attachment is severed, if there is a wound there, that wound which encompasses the grief, then gets carried into all of those relationships and across our whole lives. So I think a big part of the self-development journey is understanding the significance of the importance of that relationship and understanding your attachment and how it's played out for you. With frozen grief, well, with grief in general. So if we tend to think of grief as a backpack, yeah, you know, we go through we we experience losses throughout our lives. However, if you experienced an awful lot of loss, including not having your needs met, not having a childhood, all of that goes into your grief backpack or your grief bucket and becomes heavier and heavier as you go through life.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

So without the tools and the skills to process your grief, then that weight just becomes more and more cumbersome.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yes, yeah, absolutely. So this conversation we're having is not about blame.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Because we can get looped into that over and over, and it's a very nebulous, dark place to live in. Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Instead, it's about what?

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Self-awareness, yeah. And the ability to be able to understand where it comes from, process it. And interestingly, I had somebody recently say, Okay, what does a therapist mean when they say process the emotion, which always makes you question it? That's a great question. I thought that you should have asked your therapist. But I said sit with it, just sit with the feelings that come up, let it come through. You might cry, you might shout, you might rage, whatever it is that comes up, don't judge it, observe it and really, really feel it. Now, the idea behind the word that we do is to witness it, because actually, having it witnessed, so what we do is facilitate that ability for it to come to the surface and then witness it. Because when it's witnessed, it becomes real, because a lot of this these frozen emotions that we carry as because we've we just we never got to share it with somebody else.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Yes, and the person I suppose that we should have been able to share it with wasn't emotionally present, so it keeps us looped in that that another cycle of shame and grace, doesn't it? Yeah, absolute self-blame, yes, internalizing all of that, yeah, absolutely. Because there is a spectrum, I suppose, of people who had mothers who were unkind, and on the other side that sits parents, mothers who weren't unkind, who did the best they could. And this is why it's not about blaming, it's not about saying my mum was awful, oh my gosh, I can't believe she was like that, but it's also that she was doing the best that she could, and also another truth is that your emotional needs weren't met within that space. Yeah, and it's okay because, like you say, that self-awareness, that insight is so important to be able to sit with it, to accept it, and then to be able to move on from it.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Yeah, absolutely. I think what it is separating those two things, isn't it? It's that they they did what they could with what they'd got. Yes, yeah, but that doesn't excuse that your needs weren't met and that you're left with feelings of I wasn't I wasn't didn't feel seen or I didn't feel heard or I didn't feel like I'm mattered. The idea is once you can uncover those unmet needs, you can then start to honour them for yourself. Yes, rather than carrying this feeling that it's somebody else's responsibility to do that as well.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Because that's another loop that we get stuck in, that victim loop of well, it wasn't my fault, so I shouldn't have to do the work. Exactly. Yeah, therein lies a lack of responsibility and accountability because we can't prevent what happens to us as children, yeah. But into adulthood that comes that line where we think something has if we want something to change and we have the choice of being able to change something, then that stops us.

SPEAKER_02 7:07

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

So we have, I guess, the list then of things, which is not exhaustive, but things that we might feel when we hold a mother wound of not feeling good enough, not feeling enough, overthinking things, seeking approval or validation from other people, struggling to trust people.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Yeah, trust is a huge again, twofold to trust others and ourselves. Yes. So self-trust is a big gap because obviously you were looking to your mother. Oh, again, we get this, it's the attachment wind piece. We were looking to our mother for that validation, for that safety, for I matter, my needs, I'm important, yeah, because that's our gauge in the world. Where that wasn't met, that's where we start to have this who am I? Yes, you know, and and so that self-trust isn't always as strong and as grounding as it could be, yeah. Um, where you have a healthy attachment because you can check that out with them. But if you didn't have that level of trust with them, then you couldn't have it with yourself. You didn't get to develop it with yourself too.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

It wasn't mirrored back to us in a way that we think, oh, that this is this is good, right? Because mum is an architect, a baby's brain. Yes. If mum is safe, baby is safe. Yes. If mum is happy, baby will be happy. Yeah, and so if that lack of inner trust and worthiness isn't there about ourselves, it is if that lack of trust and worthiness isn't there with mum, we're not going to see that in ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Exactly. We don't get to mirror it back to ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

And it's something I see with so many of my clients who are very, very highly capable, but they're also very insecure because they didn't get this foundational step.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

Right? They're also overly responsible, they're overly functioning because um, understandably on the inside, it's trying to do more, be more, perform more. Yeah. If I do this, then I'll feel good enough. If I do this, then I'll be able to trust. Yeah, or somebody will trust me.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Yeah, and people please. Um adaptations that we make to ultimately, it's it was always about safety.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Yeah, it was always about I have to do these things in order to feel safe around my mum or at home.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

So people became overfunctioning in their childhood, therefore, to go into adulthood, which can play out really well in careers. Yeah, and exactly. So you just you know, people just keep going, they keep delivering, but it often gets to a point where you the realization hits, yeah, that is a set of adaptations in order to feel safe in the world, it's not internally driven.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

That says actually, where do I really feel as though I get the value from doing from making a difference rather than trying to do it for the validation of others?

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Yeah, absolutely. So that's what does it look like then to contrast that? What does it look like when emotional needs are met?

SPEAKER_00 10:25

A secure child is a and it's really interesting because you got you think about child development and you hear about people complaining about their teenagers and all these kinds of things. The idea, I quite like to think about um transactional analysis, is quite a good way of explaining it. Yeah, is that often in childhood we have the uh positioning with adults is because they are caretakers, is you're okay, I'm not okay. Yes, yeah, yeah. So the idea is as we develop, we grow more and more of a sense of you're okay, I'm okay. And if that doesn't develop a sense of I'm okay, you stay in the you're okay, I'm not okay, yes space. And that's really what adolescence is about, which is why it can be, you know, really kind of tense, and that's that's why people say, you know, tick dangers are so hard, is because they're going from that they're trying to find that I'm okay space, yes, and a healthy parenting relationship facilitates the child growing into a healthy, you're okay, I'm okay relationship. It's not that black and white because there are so many variables, but that's the idea is that ultimately we become I'm okay, you're okay, adults.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Yes, yeah, it's relational development, isn't it? It's that uh self-worth, trust, and inner safety. And from children, we go from relying on our caregivers for that. Yeah, like you say, adolescence becomes it it though, the balance switches a little bit from needing mum and dad to oh I can give this to myself, yes, and that is the crux. Where if that is that foundation from childhood into adolescence isn't stable enough, yeah, it becomes I'm always gonna need somebody in the external world to fulfill this, yeah. And this is where um uh partners are the perfect surrogate. Yeah, friends are very good at doing this, yeah, and so are partners.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

Yeah, and that's where we can get we get into codependence, don't we just all round the houses, can we?

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Absolutely. So feeling fundamentally trustworthy of yourself, yes, um, not needing to seek validation, yeah, receiving love is a big one as well, yeah, is very important that I'm worthy enough of having yes, yeah, yeah, absolutely, and that's the self-worth, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Is developing a really sense of self-worth that I'm not going seeking to be loved at all costs, but understanding what healthy love looks like and boundaries obviously is such a huge part, and I think when you've had an attachment with boundaries can be very, very fuzzy as to what do I protect and what I don't I protect, yeah, because it depends on the environment you grew up in as to what was safe.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Absolutely, and I see this with a lot of like really successful businesswomen as well, that they don't take the plunge as much as they should or they feel able to. Yeah, they don't trust themselves enough. Yeah, and it's like we said at the beginning, everything branches out into this. Yeah, why can't I do more? Even I think things like social media and being seen, being visible is a huge part of that. If it doesn't feel safe to be seen, to have needs, because that would that safety wasn't mirrored back to you, yeah, then it's gonna be terrifying for somebody to say, Can I put this, can I put myself out there? Yeah, and then not risk rejection or abandonment because of it.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Yeah, or even criticism. Yes, yeah, yeah, because I think often young girls growing up, and I hear you know, there's some behaviours of mothers towards their daughter, there's a very strange jealousy that goes on. The mothers are jealous of the daughter, and it can be things from the opportunities they've got, their youth, you know, the attention of the father, you know, there's this genuine kind of resentment towards their daughter. So often the daughter has shrunk themselves and said, I'm not going to be putting myself above the parapet. And that gets so ingrained that unpicking that later on in life can be really hard. And it is the baby steps, you know, to be able to say, actually, try it. How risky is it? Because as a child it was unsafe to do that because you wanted your mother's love, so you weren't gonna go and upset her now. You're not going to upset your mum. You might upset somebody else, but it's not your mum, it's not gonna have that damage.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

No, and mum's an adult as well, so if she's not okay with it, she's gonna have to handle it in the way that she does stuff. Absolutely, yeah. Because she's then made the choice where she could repair that rupture to not do that, yeah. And I know it's incredibly difficult for for women who have been through this this pattern and dynamic growing up, yeah, because there is then a need to fix and be responsible for it. Yes, to regulate mum's emotion, to relate regulate everybody's emotion in the home.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Yeah, absolutely. Because they grew up in a space that was very tense.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

And the idea is it's peacekeeping, but it was there, they took the role on to be um the peacekeeper to parents, so there wasn't, you know, people weren't shouted to. There are lots of different roles that um people can take at home, but often you find children taking on all of them.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

Yeah, the parentified child, yeah, yeah. If you look at that archetypically in that title, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, okay. So this is a really interesting topic within this conversation because what happens when a person acknowledges the mother wound and there can often be the desire to want to put this to mum and say, This is what happened to me, and to have this conversation. And it comes, I think, from a very young part who seeks justice and who needs that that validation. Um but it's not always helpful, and we don't need mum to weigh in on this in order for us to heal, because it becomes it can become a very dangerous conversation. I can see you're like very, very carefully.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Um, I do hear stories of people saying that the therapist has said, Oh, I should tell my mum, and I know I feel it makes me feel so uncomfortable because if your mum was open and willing to want to do better, you would know. Yeah, yeah, you probably wouldn't be in this space now of needing that safety and reassurance from your and trust from yourself, yes. Yeah, exactly. So I think it can I think people are looking for closure and they're looking for there's a thing in the mother wound called an apology ache, yes, yeah, and pathological hope. And it's doing this for me has both of those things attached. So pathological hope is that uh she is going to be the mum I always wanted her to be. So and I couldn't tell her as a child because I didn't have the words, yeah. But I'm going to tell her as an adult, and within me that's going to bring me some peace. And that's very unlikely because if she she was aware of what was going on, she was there as well during your childhood, she just isn't able to acknowledge it. So I would never say never, but I would be very tread very carefully. And if you do do it, do not have very high expectations that she has the emotional maturity or capacity to give you what you need. Um, because I'd like to think there are some mums out there that could go, Oh my god, I'm really sorry I didn't mean to put you through that.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Yeah, wouldn't that be lovely?

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Every mum could do that with that capacity, but like you say, you wouldn't be in this situation if that was the case.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Yeah, and so I've just I've just tried very lightly because I think it's very wishful thinking. You know, an apology ache is growing up from all the times that she let you down, that all those times that you tried to either stand up for yourself, you tried to be seen, she made promises she didn't keep, she just wasn't there, she just didn't show up for you and didn't show you the nurturing, protection, or guidance that you needed. Yeah, so there's a there's that seat with you know often it's trying to get that met as well. Um so I think yeah, yeah, I feel I feel uncomfortable with anybody advising somebody to do that. I understand the drive behind it because there's something about getting that child's it's a fantasy, it's a fantasy and getting that getting that child soothed.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Um I think a healthier approach is to learn to do that for yourself, find that compassion for that child yourself, yeah, to be there for your your younger self and say it's okay that we didn't get that, but I think it's I'm here with you in the response. Yeah, yeah. So healing the mother wound is not about fixing your mother, it's not about trying to go back in time and repair the ruptures that happened then and there, like you say, that frozen grief. Yeah, but instead it's about reparenting yourself, being there for yourself to build your capacity. And when I talk about capacity building, it's not the capacity to do more or be more or perform more, it's the capacity to be present with yourself, yeah, to be with yourself so that when these emotions do come up, your system doesn't feel overwhelmed, and your adult self can stand alongside your younger self and say it's okay because I'm here now.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

Exactly. What do you need? Exactly. So building those tools. So the work that I do with grief is about that. Let's look at the grief, let's let's really acknowledge it and process that grief, have that grief witnessed, and then move into that space where you can begin to acknowledge the child, be able to regulate yourself, soothe yourself as an adult, and be able to say, okay, I've got some tools to help me as an adult, and I think as well, a point that you mentioned about this isn't about blaming, it's also about not diagnosing our parents. Because I think I do use terms like toxic and narcissistic mothers, because I think many daughters have grown up with um parents with these traits, but it doesn't necessarily help us to diagnose what we do is say what's what happened and how now do I become the person that I need to be to reparent myself.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah, so because I think diagnosing also lends itself to overintellectualizing things, and it's still a form of avoidance, just recognizing it is wonderful as a starting point, but like you say, it's being present, yeah, is is the most important. Um so I have a question for for anybody listening around the version of your younger self that needed that emotional attunement. What was it that no Nobody taught you how to give yourself me or for people listening? People listening. Did that question make sense? Yeah, it did.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Okay. Yeah, I hope.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

But you look, you said it looked a bit somebody's listening. Yeah, it felt quite long-winded in my mind when I said it. But that is the question. What did the younger version of you need emotionally that nobody taught yourself how to give? Now we live in a wonderful world where there's a lot of um self-care and reflection tools, journaling tools. I think they they are, like I say, wonderful, they're very helpful. But actually the most important thing is having somebody to walk this journey alongside you, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 22:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Especially those beginning stages.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Yeah. Well, I think the person that walks alongside you is they create a safety, yes, a sense of safety and give you that space without judgment, without criticism. And there is something really brave in being able to take that step to say, okay, I want to do something about this, and doing it with a professional that you choose to say I'm going, I want to take accountability for this. I'd like you to help me develop the tools to be able to do it. And I think it's again it's about having it witnessed, yes, and honored as well. And honoured, yeah, absolutely, and feeling safe to do that when you didn't have that safety growing up.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

So having somebody be able to provide, create that space and go, it's okay to feel those things. Yes. Is is also incredibly healthy and transformational.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah, without the guilt, without the internalized shame, because the wound happened in the relation, it will get healed in a relationship as well. Yes. Right. Teaching that it's safe to um to to go out and try something new. Yeah. And I can still be here with myself.

SPEAKER_03 24:04

Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

And I think that this conversation, if it resonates with somebody, there is certainly a deeper relational story there.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

Um, and I would certainly urge anybody who's hearing this to just reach out and have just a even a quick call with with a professional, with a therapist about this. Yeah. Because it is really important.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

And I think it's so we'll come on to this in a in a in a moment, but the it's so freeing once you've done the work to be able to live.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

It changes everything.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Yeah. Doesn't it? It's it's a sense, it is a sense of freedom. Yes. Um, because obviously I work in the grief space, and it is about being able those things that have you found difficult to talk about, or that just sit so uncomfortably because there's so much pain attached to them. When you've grieved them, it's just it's this sense of lightness, so you can still think about it, but it's not discomfort, it's not uncomfortable anymore. It's it's there because it's your story, so you never want to get rid of it because it's it's who you are that you're able to move forward, and it's not this incredible weight carry that you're carrying around, feeling like it's incredibly heavy, whereas you just get a sense of lightness, and the more grief work you do, the lighter you become. Because often we're we're not really taught how to grieve or what no grief.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

We're not taught about any emotions at school, really, are we? It's just do you do your English and maths and just crack on and go to uni, and that's it, right? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So the grieving allows a space for self-compassion, yes, for love, for understanding, but also for healthier relationships.

SPEAKER_03 25:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Um, and I think it's really important to say that when we sit with emotions like grief or anger or sadness, anything that makes us uncomfortable, we don't have to stay in that space forever. Um, I think there is a misconception that once we feel the anger, we're always going to be angry. Consumed by it, yes, forever that becomes our new persona. That's not it's not true. No, same with grief. We can we can grief and grief comes in in waves, it comes in different stages, it's all very personal. Um, but you don't always have to carry that. It does get easier, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

And yeah, absolutely. It does by being able to look at your grief and have it witnessed and look at the whole relationship with in this circumstance. We're talking about our relationship with our mothers, and it feels like we're focusing on the bad bits, right? There were there were good bits, we'll have some amazing memories with our mums, but there'll also be some real, some significant pain in there, not for everyone, but for a lot of people, particularly, and we're talking about daughters today. Um, specific dynamics about that relationship, and the idea is to be able to look at that whole relationship and be able to grieve those parts that didn't get what they needed, yeah. And without excusing oh, she was having a difficult time, or this happened, or that happened, actually really acknowledging that in our relationship this wasn't there, these hopes, dreams, and expectations, and grieving all of that so that you can go, okay, I'd I've I've looked at it and I can move forward.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Yeah, because if we don't do that, it creates this underdeveloped part of us in adulthood. Seeking validation, chronic self-doubt, second guessing ourselves, yeah, maybe poor quality relationships with female friendships, um, male friendships as well, and in any friendships actually, but also partners as well. That they're like you see the boundaries become very fuzzy. We don't really know who we are and what is allowed. Is it okay for me to say no? Is it okay for me to say yes? Yeah, can I want more for myself? Oh, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Yeah, exactly. And that goes back to that self-trust we were talking about earlier, yeah. And actually, often healthy, as we talked about, healthy development in sort of working out what those boundaries are and being able to make mistakes and not beat yourself up. I do find with high-functioning um adults, failure is very, very difficult. So it's this constant, I've got to get better, I've got to get better, whereas actually healthy development is that ability to go, I can fail, I can recover, yeah, and I feel safe and supported, and I can support myself. Whereas for somebody that doesn't have those those foundations, failure is devastating.

unknown 28:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

And so it speaks to that wound, it goes right to the room. That I'm there's something wrong with me, yes, and it makes it in that by doing the work really helps you develop and and get gain that emotional maturity to be able to it doesn't mean failure doesn't hurt because it hurts everyone, but it's about being able to go, okay. That what did I learn from that? That hurt. I'm going to grieve that that hurt, and what did I learn from it? I'm picking myself up up and moving forward, so it's not debilitation. We don't avoid failure.

SPEAKER_01 29:19

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, because it is like the avoidance of failure becomes avoidance of trying of anything new, it keeps us smaller in like it keeps us in this very Christian comfy place, but there's no growth, yes, right. There's no exploration of like what could my life look like? How different could be how much more amazing could this be for me? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so liberation when we're on the other side, right? This freedom, yeah, not needing other people's validation, being able to, I suppose, go from I need this to be perfect to work out, otherwise it's gonna go awfully. Yeah, and it's and and deep down, even if we don't think it unconsciously, we know okay, it's gonna go right, like we say, right to the heart of of this wound. Yeah, we go from that to I've set everything up, even if it doesn't work out, even if it's not perfect, I'm gonna be okay. Exactly. I'm I'm all good. It's gonna, it's a silver lining we look for there. Yeah, what was good about it, what wasn't so good, yeah. Maybe there's a benefit, maybe I can learn something about myself through this.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

Yeah, exactly. So it is about going, okay, I'm gonna get all my ducks in a row because it's still very much, you know, a big part of this is taking control of your own life, yeah. But having compassion that we are imperfect human beings and being okay with being imperfect, and finding because there's a balance in all of this, isn't there? That's one of my favourite words, is going there's a balance, you know. We want to try, we want to strive, we want to move forward, we want to do well. But we don't, but perfection is really uncomfortable, yes, because who's version of perfection and all that?

SPEAKER_01 31:03

And can you imagine trying to fulfill everybody else's version of perfection? Yeah, being knackered. I think that's why so many people are trying and buttoning up because of trying to be the perfect wife, mum, partner, colleague, but everything, and yeah, you can't do it, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Yeah, it's absolutely okay. And that goes back to that self-trust. I know my standards, I know what's good enough for me, I know what I will accept, and being able to be okay with that. And that does take time, and there's all of its development, isn't it? Because when we're talking about, you know, going from keeping yourself small to being the person you really want to be. There is no, it's not an overnight journey, and particularly people that have had that original attachment with their mother uh severed, yeah, that are really that wound that is a lot of work to repair and to rebuild yourself. And I don't mean repair with the mother, I mean repair within yourself that sense of worth within the child and continue to build her so there isn't a one size fits all because everybody's relationship is different. It's being committed to knowing that it can be done, you are worth it. Absolutely a thousand percent, yeah, and that you can build a great life without your family being perfect, yes, yeah. And I think I know definitely when I because I this whole the reason we're talking about this today speaks to a lot of our uh own experiences. I know when I was younger there was a case of wanting to try and fix my family, and can't we all go into therapy as a family? And is it an again it goes back to that? Some people just don't feel the need. Yeah, you know, it's just it's choosing your own personal journey and being willing to just keep developing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

And I think that's a lot of what healing is, is consciously choosing to let go of old relational patterns and form new ones that I know this was the past, but this is what I want for myself.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

I get to choose how this looks like. Exactly. I'm gonna make it happen because I deserve to make it happen. Exactly. Um, and it's a bit of a I suppose it's almost the way I see in my mind as a building those foundations to have your dominoes all set up in a row. Yeah. And then if we start from once your foundations are good, yeah, you go to self-worth development. I want more, why not? And we keep going, keep going, keep growing in that space as well.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's being patient enough to know to get those foundations right and then continue to build on them, yeah, not try to rush it as well. I think sometimes there's this need, this impatience of I've got to got to fix again that need to fix everything, and actually it's it's a personal journey and pick the speed that's right for you.

SPEAKER_01 34:13

Yeah, and we can't rush it because these parts within us know oh, it's just another performance. She doesn't really want to sit with us, so they clamp down a little bit harder, they'll double down on well, I'm not letting this go.

SPEAKER_03 34:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Um, and so there's a paradox that when we give these parts the space and time they need and we sit with them and for as long as it takes, they will lift when they're ready. And it's often at that point, it happens quite quickly.

SPEAKER_03 34:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:35

Because they think, okay, she's got it. Yeah. And it's uh almost like a switch. Yeah. That okay, she's got it cool. We can sit with this, it'll be, I don't know, however long, but not as much, not as long as we initially thought it would be.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

Yeah, yeah, and it's just having that patience and trust yourself because what I tend to find is the subconscious is quite incredible in many, many ways, is that it brings up what you can deal with at the time. And you know, I won't think about something, or I'd forgotten about something, and then I'll be in a particular space, and something will come up, and I'll be like, Oh, I've completely forgotten about that. Okay, I need to I'm gonna sit and look at it and feel it, yeah, and acknowledge it.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

The mind is always trying to heal itself, so let's help it along a little bit by little bit, right? And it will just drop little little um gems of oh, this is she's ready for this now. I'm gonna let this go. And I think a lot of people see it as an overwhelm that oh my gosh, this has come up, what happens now? Yeah, this is a good thing. I say to my clients, this is good, this has come up. It means that you've built that internal safety, you've built that capacity to be with yourself. Yeah, this is working, and I think in our gardenish, I don't think it did. I mean, I just trust the dreadful token, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:45

This is part of it, yeah, and that I think taught is a really important point as well. Feeling discomfort is not a bad thing. Yeah, we have we are surrounded all the time by life, should be like this, it should look this amazing, we should look this way, we should be happy all the time. We shouldn't. We are human beings, good things happen to us, bad things happen to us. It's okay if we're feeling really crappy and we just you know, we don't we're not up to it and not up to doing something. It's okay to say no. It's it's it's this this sitting with uncomfortable things is actually part of the growth, too.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Yes, it again builds your capacity to be with the good and the bad.

SPEAKER_00 36:41

Exactly, exactly. And I just think that we've uh often the avoidance of discomfort is a survival thing in the sense of I need to keep moving forward, you know, but that's stuck in that anxious survival mode, whereas actually, if you can recognize that you're doing that and sit with it, then you it creates that capacity and actually gives you more space beyond it. But it's being brave to go, okay, and admit okay, I don't like this, it's uncomfortable, but sit with it anyway. I can still be with it.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

I hate this feeling, but it's okay, I want to be with it.

SPEAKER_00 37:20

Yeah, and that's a huge part of grief, and that's why why I do what I do is to hold people in that space and go, This is really, really uncomfortable. We're gonna sit here, and I'm gonna keep you safe metaphorically and emotionally, we're gonna go on this journey together, and it's really, really uncomfortable, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

Yeah, because it's you say it's really uncomfortable, but I think in our minds we make it to be more comfortable than it actually is. It's the fear that can sometimes get us where we pre-anticipate, like, oh gosh, it's gonna be awful. So, you know what? It's better to just not open up this jar of anything anyway. Yes. But when we sit in it, it's not that bad. Yeah, I dare even say that sometimes we can enjoy the journey of self-science discovery, right? It's not that bad. Yeah, um, but we've been conditioned to believe if it's not perfect, then all we've got to keep striving for perfection.

SPEAKER_00 38:12

Yeah, we can't show anybody else that it's hard either. Yeah, it's that cycle, isn't it? Yeah, grief often feels like fear, and there is this often that if you take the lid off, it's just gonna unravel.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

Yeah, it might unravel, but whatever threads unravel, you get too stitched together and you something beautiful for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 38:32

Yeah, and the wheels aren't gonna fall off. No, it's gonna feel really and it may feel very, very bumpy and super uncomfortable, but the wheels aren't gonna fall off.

SPEAKER_01 38:42

You're gonna be fine, you're gonna be better off on this.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 38:45

Amazing. Well, thank you so much for coming in today, Claire.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

Thank you for having me. It's been a great conversation.

SPEAKER_01 38:50

We can do this all so if any of today's conversation resonated with you, it might be a sign that there is some deeper relational store in your life that deserves to be given attention and honoured as well. The work that Claire and I both do helps you to understand these patterns and begin building these relationships with yourselves and with other people, um, and in a way that feels safe and nourishing. So if you feel called to reach out, you can find more about working with both of us. I will leave it in the show notes below. Thank you, thank you.