When Your Husband Puts His Mum Before You + What To Do Next

In this episode, Nisha explore's a complex but often unspoken relational dynamic between women, their partners.... and their partners’ mothers.

At the heart of this conversation is the concept of triangulation - where a man who has not fully individuated from his mother may still unconsciously seek her approval, validation or permission, even within his adult romantic relationships. This can create a subtle but powerful imbalance in the relationship system.

It’s about understanding patterns of emotional loyalty, individuation and boundary formation - and how these dynamics can impact intimacy, trust and connection within marriage or long-term relationships.

At its core, this conversation is about awareness - seeing patterns clearly so they can begin to be understood, addressed, and transformed.

If this episode resonates, it may bring up reflection around boundaries, attachment patterns, and what secure partnership actually looks like in practice.

If you're struggling with this and would like more support: 

• Work With Me: Request Your Consultation Call
• Women's Circle + Talking 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Inner Space Podcast. I'm your host Nisha and today I want to talk about a pattern that I've been seeing a lot with my clients recently. It's one that can be really painful and very isolating for women. There is also a side of this with women and men, but today I want to focus on this. It's as a woman being married or in a long-term relationship with a man who is emotionally immature, particularly when it comes to navigating relationships with his mother or family. And more specifically, what happens when your partner doesn't step in to protect you? Not in a physical way necessarily, but also emotionally. When it comes to feeling safe, respected and seen in your own marriage. I'm talking about situations where the mother-in-law is rude, manipulative, maybe she's controlling or just impossible to deal with. And your partner doesn't, your partner or your husband doesn't step in. Maybe he makes a joke, maybe he says nothing, maybe he tries to appease. If you've ever felt this, I know it's confusing, it's frustrating, it's hurtful. And you might ask yourself, is it just me? Am I asking for too much? Why can't he just be on my side for once? In this episode, I want to break down why this happens, what's really going on underneath the surface, and what you can actually do about it. We'll look at the psychology behind the mother-son wife triangle, why he may not step up, even when it seems obvious, and how this impacts you emotionally. And towards the end of the episode, we'll look at the steps that you can take to protect yourself and your relationship. I really want you to leave this episode feeling seen, validated, and armed with clarity for your next steps. Now let's start with the triangle. In a family systems theory, this is what we call a triangulation pattern. At the center of this dynamic is a man who hasn't fully individuated from his mother. And when we talk about individuation, this is the process that a child, a boy, a girl goes from into being individuated as their own person from their mother, their father, their parents. So on the surface, he might appear as an adult. He works, he earns money, he marries, but internally there is a part, there is perhaps a part of him that is still oriented to the role of the son, not the adult, not the healthy masculine, but the role of son. When you're married, ideally he should be primarily orientated towards you, his partner. But when conflict arises with his mother, maybe when she's disrespectful, he reverts back into being a son. Now, this is really important to understand that the emotional immaturity is not laziness, it's not cruelty, it's a nervous system default. And what this means is that he's still trying to navigate how to regulate adult emotions in the context of loyalty and love. The loyalty bind with his mother exists. He feels he must appease her to maintain his love and identity to her. This can also happen with men and their fathers as well. Perhaps for validation and appeasement too. So this will override his abilities to protect his partner, i.e., you. Small examples will build a pattern, and this is how you notice it. There will be a dismissive comment, a joke, perhaps ignoring your feelings. And over time, this reinforces the sense that you're not being prioritized in the relationship. As a reframe, think about it like this. He's constantly balancing two needs: his need to be loved and accepted by his mother, and the implicit requirement to protect you as his wife or partner. But when push comes to shove, he defaults to the system that has been there since childhood, the family that he grew up in and the dynamics that he grew up in. For example, let's say I had a client whose husband didn't step in when his mother physically abused his pregnant wife. He didn't know how. He froze in that moment. He knew something was wrong, but there was something within him that stopped him taking action to protect his pregnant wife. And even things like small uh snide remarks, maybe undermining comments, um, he either ignores or minimizes. This is that triangulation at work. He is caught between his obligation to his wife, but also there is an old childhood dynamic towards his mother. The big question is: why does he not step in? And here is the hard truth. It's not necessarily because he doesn't love you or doesn't care about you, but it's because he hasn't developed the internal capacity to tolerate the emotional cost of choosing his partner over his mother. This is what is happening internally. There is a fear of his mother's anger or disapproval towards him. He might be feeling guilt because loyalty to his mother is deeply ingrained. There might be a conflict of avoidance. There might be a conflict of avoidance, protecting himself emotionally so that he is able to still feel important, acknowledged, and accepted by his mother. And his identity might be tied to being the good son, which he fears losing if he challenges his mother. And from that young son perspective, he might still be running the pattern of what happens to me if I say no to my mum. Essentially, he's protecting himself from emotional discomfort instead of protecting you from harm because he hasn't built the ability internally, that capacity within himself to be okay if he picks you over his mum and his mum disapproves. It's that disappointment or that fear of disapproval that is keeping him looped and trapped into this pattern. Now, this is something that is very unconscious for most men. They haven't individuated into their own adult self and they genuinely want the harmony in the relationship, but they don't understand how to create the safety for their partner. This is also not a weakness. It's important that we don't shame or criticize here because it's unfinished developmental work. He hasn't fully transitioned into an adult, into that masculine uh role in relational terms. And this is can be and this can be where it's very painful for you as the partner, as the wife, because you're waiting for him to choose you, but he doesn't have the tools to do so yet. And that can also be really triggering for you as well, because if you feel like he's not acknowledging you or that he's not putting your feelings as a priority over his mother, that can also activate something in you, maybe from your own childhood as well. So just something, not saying it's always the case, but just something to be aware of as well. Although the baseline is that he should be able to uh prioritize a partner and their safety over um being fearful of mother's disapproval. He's not choosing to protect you because he's trying to protect himself first from the fear of losing his mother's love. And this is a key point that I'd like you to really sit with. There is a a really deep fear there, and this is a key point that I'd like you to sit with that he's not doing it out of spite, but he's genuinely on a nervous system level, very afraid of losing his mother's love through disappointment, through disapproval as well. Now let's talk about how this shows up for you as the wife or the partner, because it's real and it definitely matters. When your partner doesn't protect you emotionally, your nervous system picks up on it. You might feel unsafe, unchosen. Like I said, it might trigger or bring up something for you about why was I not picked here? Why can he not see me for who I am? I surely deserve a priority in this relationship. And over time, this can erode a woman's self-esteem. It can reduce her trust in her partner, but also sense of safety in your own life as well. Um, here are some ways that I've noticed in my work that this might show up. There might be a chronic anxiety or hypervigilance around your partner's family, perhaps even not wishing to go to any events or really try to detach yourself from his family because of this pain that keeps coming up because he cannot seem to choose you over them and prioritize your um health, your safety, your well-being over his family and his mother. There might be elements of self-doubt where you ask, um, am I asking uh for too much in this? And maybe I my needs are too much. Maybe actually I didn't realize, but maybe I should be, as a wife, not seeking too much support. Maybe I need to shrink myself. Maybe this is something I didn't realize, and so it becomes internalized. There can also be resentment building quietly over time and feeling like you might need to manage everything yourself. Um, I see this very frequently as well: that women will then become that mother role to their partner and start managing things because he hasn't graduated to that level of individuality and being that healthy masculine adult male. And so then the the wife ends up being a mother not just to her children, but also to her partner as well. There's also an element of emotional isolation in the marriage as well. So the resentment is one side of that coin, but also feeling like you are genuinely alone and that creates stress. There is a lot of upset, pain, a lot of hurt, sadness, and also grief within that relationship as well, and grief around what a partner perhaps what a wife expected when going into that new relationship or marriage, and grieving the loss of what's not there that she was hoping to get, a secure, loving, healthy partner who would be able to prioritize her needs. I'd also I'd also like to point out that you're not overreacting. Your body and your nervous system are responding to real emotional cues. This is not all in your head. This is a well-known pattern. And it's important that you don't internalize and blame yourself because you have done nothing wrong. And there is a way forward as well. I want to be really clear. We'll come over to we'll come to that in a moment about what needs to change and how this can be done as well. As I'm talking about this, I'm curious about what is coming up for you as you listen. Um where and here are some journal prompts or some questions to ask yourself, something reflective around where in your relationship with your partner do you feel unsupported? Where in your relationship with your partner do you feel unsafe? What do you tolerate that doesn't feel okay for you? And in an ideal world, if something could be different, what would those things be? Maybe one thing, maybe several. And are you waiting for change in a hope that something will be different one day? Or are you noticing evidence of change? Because the the first one is a hope that is very nebulous that will keep us trapped in this loop and in this cycle of maybe it'll be different, maybe next time, or maybe when we have children. And if you're not noticing any evidence of change, then perhaps something needs to change. Something needs to be different. Now, here's the thing, it this isn't about fixing his mother because you cannot control her. Um anyone who's worked with me will know I will preach to the high heels that we can't control other people, we're not responsible for them, we cannot fix them. So this means that this means that the focus then has to shift on your relationship and his capacity to protect you. So, how do you do that? I hear you ask. Here are a few steps for change. Have a direct conversation with him. Focus on the impact of this rather than blame. Don't get shaming and criticizing a man in this situation will make him want to turn inwards even more. It will cause him to regress even more. And what we want to do is create a safe space, a container to have this conversation, to understand more about him, so that you can let him know. He will find this out through his own experience as well, of understanding this belief, perhaps trying it, testing the waters, and that will help to rewire this pattern. But letting him know that it's okay to talk about this, and almost supporting and helping him to graduate into this um version of himself, the more secure adult version. So you can ask things like when your mother speaks to me like this and you don't step in, I feel unsafe in the relationship. Can you tell me what happens for you in those moments? Open up that space to really understand where he's coming from. He might share with you, I wanted to, but something stopped me. It's not about shame and blame. Although those feelings um within you are absolutely valid, but they will not help find a solution. The solution comes in letting him know that something can be done differently and nothing bad is going to happen, that it's safe for him to step into this um adult, um secure adult male uh role model now. This secure adult version of himself now. And and uh I see a lot of women getting very angry with their partner, and that anger again is valid, but it's not gonna be helpful when we can open up that space to have an honest conversation about how he's feeling. Get on the same page as him, because otherwise it's gonna be this constant battle. The second step is to hold your own boundaries in this, stop over-accommodating or over-explaining and protect your emotional space as well. He might not understand what's going on for you, but the key is to ensure that he understands where you're coming from as well. So perhaps something like, um, I need you to know that when I'm being disrespected, you can step in. For example, like, I need to know that when I'm being disrespected, you can step in and protect our relationship. Because that's really important to me. Because if you don't hold these boundaries and you over-accommodate and you try to over-explain or justify, it becomes really difficult. Um, and it creates that tension in in the relationship where again it's just being this dynamic is being perpetuated. So when you hold your boundaries, you're not abandoning yourself. You can tell yourself, yes, this is happening, yes, this is happening, but I can be with myself, I can trust myself to to allow myself to feel validated, to validate my own feelings. And the third one is to observe the evidence and not the hope. And I spoke about that hope a little bit earlier as well. Notice if he actually takes action to step in consistently. If he doesn't, you may need to have a conversation and to reconsider what is safe and sustainable for you. Because you deserve to be chosen, you deserve to be protected and prioritized in your own marriage. And if that isn't happening, it's not a reflection of your worth. Like I say, please do not internalize this as anything that you've done wrong. And when you hold these boundaries, when you have this conversation, stay in your body while you speak. Don't feel heightened, try not to feel heightened or reactive to this. Um, avoid absolute language. So um you always or you never do this, or it's always your fault. And focus on specific moments. Again, the key is to open up this space so he can see what's really happening. In that moment, mum said something, and you knew that it would have hurt, and you knew it was going to hurt me what she said, but you didn't step in, you didn't say anything. And also then pause and listen to his response, even if it feels uncomfortable. Again, holding that space for an environment where you can open up the conversation and discuss things. Create the awareness and observe what he does with that awareness as well. Because he might say that he didn't realize it affected you that much, or he might say, I didn't, I just don't want any conflict, or you know, that that's just mum, that's just how she is, or even become very defensive. You're not asking for perfection. You are asking for presence and protection in all of this. And when I talk about the boundary, it's not around trying to control him, it's not about forcing him into submission for you to feel safe. It's not about changing their behavior, trying to again trying to control or fix or making any demands. The boundary is what I will and will not allow myself to be exposed to. So you might say, um, I'm not going to stay in environments where I feel disrespected, or I'm not going to engage in conversations where I'm undermined. Perhaps leaving the room when things becoming disrespectful, or limiting the time that's spent with his family. Because this will feel uncomfortable. You will feel guilty. You will feel that you're causing tension by putting these boundaries in place, or maybe that you're being difficult. But what you're doing is responding to something that doesn't already feel okay. And if this is the dynamic at the start of the relationship and it goes unchanged, then the truth is it's always going to stay that way. You'll continue to hold this emotional impact. Now, when I talk about observing the evidence, not the hope, this can be the part that is really hard to accept because hope is powerful and hope keeps us looped. It's very nebulous. It just keeps us trapped in this cycle of over and over again. And there is sometimes a fantasy that comes with hope as well. Maybe that, oh, maybe he'll change, or he understands now, or maybe next time it will be different. Like I say, maybe with um, oh, he's having you know, we have children now, or we're gonna have a child, and then he'll understand things will be different. But hope without the evidence keeps us stuck. So the shift then moves from listening to the words to observing the behaviour. And this shift it will look like perhaps he steps in in the moment, or maybe he gives his mother a stern look. Maybe he uh uh sets boundaries with his family or acknowledges and validates your experience. Maybe he stands up for you and sticks up for you in that moment and says, Whoa, mum, that's not okay. I know it was a joke, but still that can be hurtful. He takes initiative and doesn't just react, and that this all of these form um the healthy male, the healthy masculine adult um archetype and um version of him that we want him to strive for as well. Now what happens when there isn't any change? He might start minimizing the situation if he hasn't already. Maybe agreeing in private but doesn't do anything in public, maybe apologizing but repeating the behavior. Consistency is what creates safety, not intention. If we take the example of a small child, let's say picking them up from school, knowing that they have to be picked up from school at 3.30 every day, that consistency, when you show up for them, they are gonna internalize that safety. But saying but saying, Oh, I I wanted to pick you up at 3.30, but I couldn't, I had to pick you up at 6 o'clock instead. That intention isn't gonna create it. It's shown through consistent action. And now I have to say this as well because it is um very delicate, but it's also very important that if things don't change, you have to ask yourself, what am I choosing to stay in? Because you don't have to navigate this alone. It doesn't mean the relationship is over, but these dynamics can be deeply ingrained and they're not always resolved through one conversation. It will take time, it will take multiple conversations, but it will also allow a beautiful relationship that is strengthened between you to grow and develop. Sometimes, then, what is needed are things like therapy, um, so couples therapy, individual support as Well, a space that can really support and unpacking this properly. Because it's not just communication, it's not just him being lazy or weak as a man. This is attachment, it's internal family systems, it's family consolation work, it is emotional development as well. And also when you have somebody like a therapist who can support that clarity comes faster when you're not trying to hold it on your own as well. A therapist is a wonderful person to be able to mirror things back and to name dynamics and to help pinpoint patterns and conditions and limitations within those relationships as well. So when we talk about what needs to change, it's not about controlling anyone else. It's about speaking clearly, holding your position and observing the reality of things. From that place, you can then make grounded self-respecting decisions. Because this issue is not just about his mother, but it's his inability to separate from her. And now here are just a few key points in summary. The issue is not just with his mother, it's his inability to separate from her. He's not going to make the jump if he doesn't know where he's going to land or if it feels unsafe. That where he's landing is dangerous, uh shark-infested waters. He needs to know that he can separate and it's a healthy separation, is what we call it. That where he's landing, he's going to be um held, understood, it's safe essentially for him to make that jump. The next one is that you're not asking for too much, you're asking for emotional safety, and that forms the basis of every relationship, especially with a partner in a romantic relationship. And if he cannot tolerate the discomfort, you will continue to carry the emotional cost. So bring it to his attention. Let him know how you feel without shame or blaming him. Open up that space to have this important and these deeper conversations. You might want to, depending on on um your partner's nature, start off really slow. Be brave, have the courage in this to raise that uh the topic and the conversation, but it might be that it starts off small little and often, and then it develops in something into something bigger as well. Because if this doesn't happen, you'll continue to carry this. So, in closing, I'd like to leave you with this. Yes, it can feel unfair because you adapted as a partner, you shifted, you showed up to build a relationship. And it can feel like it's not fair because he's not met you where you were promised to be seen and to be met at. But this is not about blame, this is about clarity and asking yourself, what do I need to feel safe, supported, and chosen in my relationship? If this episode resonated with you, I'd really encourage you to sit with it, journal on it, reflect on it, and if you'd like to explore this kind of work in a deeper, more supported way, I run a monthly talking circle for women where we can talk through dynamics in a really grounded, open and supportive space, and I also offer one-to-one sessions as well. I'll leave the link in the show notes below when you can also find the requesting a consultation call with me and also the talking circle at my website, which is innerspaceherapy.uk. Come and join us if you feel called, and as always, share this with somebody who might need it. It's a difference of perspective, it's a way of changing something so that your life looks better, that you can trust yourself and start to enjoy these relationships and dynamics. I'll see you in the next episode.