The Dating Chit

Modern Dating Is Hard — Carter Makes It Look Easy

• Tea • Episode 4

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Dating doesn’t have to feel like a numbers game or a performance review. Tea sits down with Carter, a grounded Gen Z with “golden retriever energy,” to unpack why connection is harder to find online, how speed dating actually feels from the inside, and what turns a first date into a second. His take is refreshingly grounded: show up in person, stay curious, build confidence through self-awareness, and let effort speak louder than ego.

We dig into the gap between how men and women experience dating in their 20s. Carter shares what women tell him they want—more questions, better listening, fewer disappearing acts—and why some men struggle with strong, empowered partners. Instead of chasing control or playing it cool, he suggests a different script: do the inner work, value partnership over performance, and treat communication as the core of attraction. A simple reframe powers everything: ask what and how, not why. “What about that upset you?” invites context. “How did that make you feel?” opens trust. Add real listening, and you’ve got the foundation for a relationship that grows.

We also talk love languages and the outsized impact of acts of service. Whether it’s planning a date, opening a door, or bringing a thoughtful surprise, small gestures create emotional safety and momentum. At the same time, boundaries matter—kindness should be offered, not mandated. Carter’s hard-won insight is a balm for daters on the edge of burnout: if the other person doesn’t want to make it work, it won’t. Believe them, let go with grace, and make space for a better fit. If you’re ready to move from isolation to connection, this conversation offers practical tools and a mindset shift you can use right away.

📚 Links to books: 

“The Four Agreements” https://amzn.to/4sDFR4w

“How To Die” https://amzn.to/4px3Mzy

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Host Tea:

Hey you. Welcome to The Dating Chit, a space designed to help you move beyond assumptions and guesswork. So you can date and love with clarity and confidence.

Carter:

I'm your host, Tea. Today's guest is Carter.

Host Tea:

Someone people describe as having golden retriever energy, warm, curious, and genuinely easy to be around, which I completely agree with. We're both members of our neighborhood Toastmater's club. And that's how we first got to know each other. Carter is in his late 20s. Nice, tall and fit. His work involves community organizing, which already tells us he cares about both people and growth. He loves sports, comedy, real conversations, and strong women. In this episode, we talk about what a speed dating is actually like. How men and women in their 20s experience dating very differently. And what's really going on with men today. And what women are often frustrated by. If you're a woman dating a man in his 20s or a guy wondering why the second date never happens, this episode is especially for you. Let's dive in! Carter, are you ready?

Carter:

I think so. Thank you for inviting me here today to your studio.

Host Tea:

What are you bringing to our love and relationship topic today?

Carter:

I'm bringing myself and I'm trying to bring my most quick mind to all these questions that you have on the sheet in front of you. What are you bringing today?

Host Tea:

I'm bringing some interesting and hopefully fun questions for you, aside from all the serious questions here.

Carter:

Yes. I took I saw a few of them and I thought that was a little intense, a few of them.

Host Tea:

Well, first of all, I just want to thank you again for being so open to joining me on this podcast. Not everybody is open to this.

Carter:

I love trying new things. So I want in 40 years to look back and have all these really fun stories that I have. So this I hope is going to be one of them.

Host Tea:

You already saw some fun moments. Like look at me trying to juggle with the stuff to set this up. Well, there's a lot of cameras in this room...I don't think that's a problem for you, right? In our Toastmasters, you're the most confident guy in the room.

Carter:

I am. Oh, really? Oh, thank you.

Host Tea:

At least appeared to me so.

Carter:

Oh, okay. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I know you haven't been there for the past couple times, so maybe it's been diminishing, but interesting. Why do you say that?

Host Tea:

Because you have no problem just going up there and taking any topic, anything throw at you, you're fine with that. You're so good at thinking on your feet, and I love your stage presence.

Carter:

I'm happy to hear that. That is actually something I really wanted to work on in public speaking and speaking in general. That particularly when I was a younger kid, I could take things a little personally, and it would make me shrink away from trying new things by getting such as getting in front and getting the random question during table topics and toastmasters. And so this is actually a way to practice of not taking anything personally and just trying my best. And if it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's good.

Host Tea:

It's an interesting reason.

Carter:

Yeah. I mean, I think it's prevented when I was younger, it prevented me from being more social and being more open with people because I didn't want to look imperfect or bad. And so...

Host Tea:

awww... we're all imperfect.

Carter:

But doing this makes me feel better because if I bomb, I bomb, and if I'm good, I'm good. But it doesn't really matter to me. You just keep going.

Host Tea:

I mean, words are powerful, right? To have the ability to express ourself in the right moment when it's needed, it's really impactful. Before we talk too much, I'd like you to formally introduce yourself and tell the audience about all the things they don't know and I don't know.

Carter:

I'm Carter. I'm 27, born and raised in the Bay Area. I love the Bay Area. I went to college here, to St. Mary's College of California in the East Bay. Growing up, I was really into sports. I loved baseball and basketball. But I got to a point where it just wasn't fun anymore. And I got my degree in kinesiology, which is the study of human movement.

Host Tea:

Oh, is that to do with your previous work?

Carter:

Yes. So I was a strength and conditioning coach for briefly for three months for a D1 college.

Host Tea:

That's so nice to have.

Carter:

It's nice to have.

Host Tea:

It's nice to have because it's just... we have to know our body.

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

Our life, you know, we're depending on our body.

Carter:

Yeah. We are.

Host Tea:

Yeah, now I'm trying to learn so much about how my body works, so I don't get a sport injury. You know, I hurt my lower back, dead lifting, and all of that.

Carter:

Oh, okay.

Host Tea:

So I really value what you have. Well, the knowledge.

Carter:

Well, just knowledge? I don't know how much is still left in there. That was like my previous career, if you could call it that. And now I do something completely different. I'm a community organizer, which means I bring people together who have been impacted by systemic issues and have them create the solutions themselves and we craft campaigns to fix it.

Host Tea:

That sounds fun. That sounds very good for you.

Carter:

I like it a lot.

Host Tea:

Along with Toastmasters, right? Along with Toastmasters. Really pushing you to the spotlight.

Carter:

Oh, it's totally pushing me. Yes. 100%. I think doing this kind of work has really delved myself into self-discovery a lot more than anything else. Because I really struggled probably around that time where I stopped playing baseball. I struggle with like self-

Host Tea:

Indentity?

Carter:

Yeah. I mean, it was kind of like, you know, you get older, so it's a piece of just getting older. But it's a piece of going through 17 to 18 and 19. And there's a you do have switching identities. So there was that. But I did really struggle with like who am I, Who am I to other people. How do I show up to other people. And how do I make sure I don't regret my life. That I don't get to the end and I feel like, well, I wasted my life. That's kind of a brief history of me.

Host Tea:

I appreciate that. And I heard there's someone who has high awareness.

Carter:

It's hard for me to talk about. I don't want to basically talk amazing about myself. I feel like that's a good idea.

Host Tea:

You look amazing. And you are, to me, an amazing person.

Carter:

So I appreciate that. Yeah. I'd rather be humble and just doing the best I can.

Host Tea:

So But you know, once you know yourself, you know who you are, how you are, what you are not, what you are, I find it's okay to tell people this is what I am. How has relationship or love fit into your journey so far?

Carter:

Yes. It's a bit of a ... if I'm with someone who I really enjoy, then I know it's right. It's kind of a feeling that I just know that it's right. And I've had like love at first sight or love at first spoken with.

Host Tea:

Have you?

Carter:

Multiple times.

Host Tea:

Multiple times?

Carter:

Yeah. But it's just like it's something that I can just pick up on it, and it really, really works. I mean, sometimes it takes, you know, a few dates to start finding if this person is really right together. And I've had my share of people that know are not right together. It's been uh a little up and down, I think, but a lot of people can say that.

Host Tea:

Have you had a girlfriend?

Carter:

Yes.

Host Tea:

I guess how many relationships have you had so far?

Carter:

Probably three or four have been really impactful and it's taught me a lot. And it's actually shown a lot of my flaws that I bring. And it's not to, you know, relationships has there's a lot involved with how things go. But those everything I I basically I learn from and I try to be better for myself and for another person in the future. All those deep relationships have really taught me a lot, even though it really hurts when it ends. With time, you feel like you become more of a complete person afterwards. So it's okay with everything that's happening.

Host Tea:

That's awesome.

Carter:

Well, thank you.

Host Tea:

I mean, every relationship is a great opportunity to learn. However, not all of us have the awareness to take that opportunity to really reflect and grow.

Carter:

Totally. It's not really about like how much time you're putting in or something, it's really it's so much deeper than that. Is what were both of your contexts in this. And if the other person didn't want to make it work, then it's just it wasn't going to work. I mean it's a partnership, right? Yeah. And sometimes that's really hard to understand too, is sometimes you can look at all of your faults in it, but you also just have to learn that some things just don't work out. And it takes two to make it work.

Host Tea:

Yeah. I can see it could also be a process for you because you're very young. It's a process for you to also understand women, right?

Carter:

Mm-hmm. Takes a long it takes a lot of a lot of time to understand.

Host Tea:

What's your view and how do you feel about today's dating scene?

Carter:

In my personal view and experience, I don't think it's very good. I think people feel more isolated today, and it's from probably the the digital world that we're in. And so it seems like it's harder to find in-person things and events, but I'm sure others have noticed, like me, that there's more and more of bowling leagues to join, or like pickleball leagues, or like running clubs that's trying to get people to be able to get outside and meet each other again, which I think is cool. And I've tried speed dating a few times and I thought it was Yeah. And I thought it was I just wanted to try it. I thought it was cool and fun. Yet it seems like a lot of stuff is really tailored towards the dating apps and things, which again is not throwing shade on any of that. Yet it just feels a bit harder to meet someone in person authentically at the moment.

Host Tea:

What would you say about speed dating? Would you go back there again?

Carter:

Yeah, it was fun. It was really fun. The people I all met were I thought it would be a lot more awkward and a lot more serious. And it was actually a lot of fun.

Host Tea:

Really?

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

Did you end up going on a date with someone?

Carter:

I did not. But that's kind of the nature of speed dating as well. Is you know, you might not meet someone you connect with, so you end up just having a couple good conversations, but you have to try another time.

Host Tea:

That's really interesting. So you would totally go back and try it more.

Carter:

Oh, yeah. Well, I thought it was a great time. And one actually issue, too, that I've learned in speed dating is that a lot more men sign up for it than women. So some events, you'll have like three women and ten men. And I know it's really you almost feel like you have to apologize to all the women. Like, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this with all these guys.

Host Tea:

That's terrifying.

Carter:

Yeah. Yeah. It's very wild. It's something to experience.

Host Tea:

It's interesting. I did hear women say the speed dating events they went to, it's more women than men. Why is that?

Carter:

I don't know. I guess it's just the certain ones you pick. Either one is no good. Or just the times. Yeah. Just sometimes it winds up that way. But I totally do it again. I thought it was a good time.

Host Tea:

The woman I spoke to and also some podcast I listened to, like it's women talking about speed dating experiences. None of them are positive.

Carter:

No, what do they say? What happened?

Host Tea:

Women don't enjoy those experiences somehow.

Carter:

And why is that?

Host Tea:

It's also to do with age, age groups. If you're stuck with certain age and the men are not in the same age range as you expected, and they just they're not happy. Plus, it's more also more about the quality of the man in the speed dating. What do you think of that? Do you think that's a problem? Like, are there just too many varieties of people and that does not ensure quality?

Carter:

I think to do the speed dating, and again, people can disagree with me, but to do it, quote unquote, right is show up and expect anything.

Host Tea:

Oh my...

Carter:

Seriously, and that's how I took it. So I expected if I showed up and it was only 10 men, no women, I seriously was like, that might happen.

Host Tea:

Wow.

Carter:

If that happened, I'll get a drink and then leave. Wow. But I was preparing also, maybe I'll meet the love of my life, or maybe I'll meet a friend that you know we didn't connect in terms of relationship-wise, but we could be lifelong friends, stuff like that.

Host Tea:

Oh, that's very cool.

Carter:

I'm prepared for anything.

Host Tea:

That's great attitude. So you always gonna go home with something.

Carter:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Host Tea:

Even just a drink?

Carter:

Yes. Well, I mean, I'm trying to make as best experience out of it as possible. But I do I do enjoy the speed dating. I don't know if that makes me some kind of weird person or something. For the whole dating scene, I don't think it's as good as in the past. And I would attribute that to all the technology of people being more away from social events, more online, more about creating assumptions about other people. It just loses the natural flow of just talking with someone, just getting to know someone. Instead, now it's all about like what do they look like and thinking creating some kind of image of people online. That's how I've experienced it.

Host Tea:

In a nutshell, you're saying your view is a little negative. What's happening today doesn't seem going to the right direction.

Carter:

No, no.

Host Tea:

What would you say people should be doing more?

Carter:

Just more in person stuff. I think again, just more in person, it doesn't have to be speed dating, but it could be like pickleball. Could be pickleball, it could be mingling. I mean, it's cool. Like I just really like those types of events. And even if you're not there explicitly to try to meet someone, usually, if not every single time, I always feel better after being social with other people.

Host Tea:

I agree, because we're social beings. And we we don't feel well both emotionally and physically after being isolated from other humans.

Carter:

Yeah. And I think that is a part of it too, is just there's so much isolation with our world today.

Host Tea:

It's getting worse.

Carter:

Yeah, especially with the whole thing around with AI.

Host Tea:

Yeah, the girlfriend boyfriend saying. Yeah, the robots.

Carter:

The robots, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of crazy stories about that. But yeah, it's just I think it's taking people away from being in interaction with each other.

Host Tea:

I noticed earlier you mentioned the word 'the love my life'.

Carter:

Uh-huh. Have I met my love of my life? Ever? No.

Host Tea:

Oh, have you?

Carter:

Well, obviously, no.

Host Tea:

No, you could have met someone, but you know, you were not mature enough to be able to hold on to that.

Carter:

Great way of saying it. That has happened, yes.

Host Tea:

That has?

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

Okay.

Carter:

Yes. That has definitely happened.

Host Tea:

You're meant for someone else.

Carter:

I suppose so. Yeah. I've been a victim of wrong time. Like just wrong time, right place.

Host Tea:

I'm also very curious at your generation, at your age, how people are dating. What are the things that most confusing for you guys when it comes to dating?

Carter:

How people have been dating, it's mostly through apps, I would say, from people I know at least. And I've heard a lot of people in my life just say that it's like a numbers game, which means just meet as many people as possible and eventually someone will be good. Really? Yeah, that's kind of the general sentiment of it, of like my friends. At least from the male perspective, that's what it is.

Host Tea:

That's what they're doing. That's what they believe.

Carter:

Yeah. From the female perspective, it's mostly men are really terrible. That's a good way to say it. That's how it usually is, is that they'll give like very short answers, don't ask questions, expect the woman to carry on the conversation, may not reply, or they'll meet once or twice and then just never reach out again. So it's almost like really horrible communication.

Host Tea:

Oh, wow! You must stand out to them then.

Carter:

I tried to. Well, so here's the thing is I have a friend that tried a handful of speed dating events, and she basically said that if someone looks like they take a shower, they're already better than half of the men at the event. I asked her, is that how low the bar is? And she goes, Yeah, pretty much. And I said, Well, then, man, I must be like at least I'm in the top 50.

Host Tea:

Oh, you're too humble now.

Carter:

But that's how it seems from the female perspective.

Host Tea:

I hope she stopped going then.

Carter:

I don't think she's been to one since, but she's kind of was talked to me about the open-mindedness of going to a speed dating event. So she has a total open mind with it. But there's also an issue, I think, with from female friends of mine like tech bros, people that people that can only talk about their job at Tesla or can only talk about engineering. And so that's kind of an issue as well that I've had from friends. Your female friends. Yeah. But from like I said, from the male perspective, for my friends, it's called a numbers game. Just meet as many people as possible.

Host Tea:

I know you don't believe that.

Carter:

No. I mean, if you're looking to date, you gotta... have to you have to meet people, right?

Host Tea:

It's not about numbers, right?

Carter:

No. Well, it's about if you're really connecting with this person or something. Because if you connect with someone, then you want to see if it's someone to be with.

Host Tea:

And also if your goal is trying to connect, yes, you can't play the numbers game.

Carter:

No. No. So usually, because I have used dating apps, usually if I meet two people that I'm having a good conversation with, I'll just keep it at that. Because my goal is to meet someone who I really connect with and have a good time and really enjoy being there. That's my opinion, right? Yeah, exactly. So that's how I've used it. Again, I don't know what other men are doing, but apparently they're not taking showers and not asking questions.

Host Tea:

Oh no.

Carter:

So that's I think is really hurting it as well.

Host Tea:

You know, throughout my dating history, I don't think I ever came across men like that. But I have enough crazy experiences.

Carter:

I'm sure. Yeah. And also I think this is something that men have a hard time dealing with in our world today, is that women have a ton of empowerment in our world today, which is amazing that women can be leading companies, can be leading movements, and they don't need a partner to succeed. I think in the past, especially in the United States, it was often viewed as like the man needs a woman to basically be his caretaker almost. Almost needed a woman to be doing her own job, and then the other job was just to take care of the man. And I think that's not how it is anymore. And I think some men don't know how to deal with that growing up now.

Host Tea:

Yeah. So what's your take on that? What do you think requires a change?

Carter:

Well, I think men need to start doing s the self discovery them of themselves and learn what makes them happy in this world. It doesn't revolve around purely being with someone else as a In my view, a relationship is something that enriches both of your lives because you enjoy being with each other and like doing things together. And that's what really, really matters. I know that might sound like super simple. That's basically how I look at relationships. We have limited time on this earth, so we might as well be with someone that we really like to be with and enjoy doing things with. And are able to have our own individual lives but build something together in a partnership as well.

Host Tea:

Yes. I think just a lot of people right now are confused. Yeah. Or they haven't really reached a point to really understand things,v maybe including themselves, therefore they feel like they do not need another person to have fulfilling life. I do strongly believe that as humans, we can only be happier and have a healthier life with the right partner. I think that's just how humans are designed for. That's how I feel.

Carter:

Why would you be with someone you don't really want to be with?

Host Tea:

I mean definitely need - instead of a zero, there should be one person. It's really hard to be alone. That also equals to the isolation topic we just talk about. That's not a happy and fulfilling life. That's like you're trying to manage to get through your life. Of course you can do it, but what's the point?

Carter:

Well, as we talk about so being social is huge, and then being with someone that you really truly enjoy and want to build something with and want to know everything about them and really understand this other person, I think that's yes, that makes you feel so much better. But it's true that a lot of people uh struggle on how to do that.

Host Tea:

You said something.

Carter:

We all want to be wanted.

Host Tea:

We all want to be wanted.

Carter:

We all want to be wanted, yes. And I don't know how at least for for men, they might not know how to handle that if I know strong women. Yeah, I think that might be a piece of it, yeah, because that's the world we live in, which is great. That's amazing. That is more equitable society. But I don't think some men understand how that's supposed to be, how that goes. And that really requires more insight on the man's part. Because a lot of women that I know have talked about trash guys that don't ask questions and don't say anything.

Host Tea:

Do these female friends tell you what they wish these guys should be doing?

Carter:

Yes, and it's very basic. It's obvious.

Host Tea:

Cause it's like just talk to me.

Carter:

Basically. Yeah, ask more questions, want to be with me.

Host Tea:

I think a strong woman or not, I think in the end we're all just women. We're all just people.

Carter:

That's true. Yeah.

Host Tea:

And really, people are the same.

Carter:

Yes.

Host Tea:

I would say at least for men, you know, men come across we so-called strong women and they're interested in them and want to date this woman. I don't think there's nothing to be feared about. What do you think?

Carter:

Nothing to fear about strong women?

Host Tea:

Yeah.

Carter:

No, I don't fear strong women. I love strong women. Name the podcast that, this episode - I love strong women.

Host Tea:

What is your advice and tips for these man who find these woman attractive, however, is unable to handle them?

Carter:

Well, I guess it would depend how you're unable to handle someone in your words. You gotta build confidence. That's the thing. If I like someone, I'm just gonna basically talk to you and learn about you and see if I want to go out with you, then I'm just gonna ask you out. I try to do it more romantically than how I laid it out right there. But just be confident with it.

Host Tea:

So you're saying one of the very common issue today when it's come to strong women, is men are afraid of walk up to them and ask them out.

Carter:

That could be a piece of it as well, yeah. I mean, as we talked about a while as being alone, the isolation pieces men might take to apps as an easier way to talk to someone instead of literally asking them out there. No, I'm not advocating from for people to start just going everywhere and asking every woman out everywhere. I mean, that's just...

Host Tea:

I don't I actually think they don't ask anybody out.

Carter:

I've heard that too, and I find that really strange.

Host Tea:

It's nothing to do with being a strong woman or not.

Carter:

That's really strange. Well, I guess my definition of well we have to maybe define what a strong woman is in our minds, because my successful career. Yeah, or someone that doesn't feel like they need a partner or a man to succeed. And I adore that because I want to see my partner to go really far and achieve their goals, as they should, and I would hope they would see that towards me in return.

Host Tea:

Of course, I think that's also the meaning of the real partnership. We want to be there to support each other to achieve what we want in life.

Carter:

Yeah. I don't know if men get that. Really? I don't know if men get that.

Host Tea:

Oh no.

Carter:

Well, if you're saying they don't ask anyone out, that's already we're having a problem getting a partnership.

Host Tea:

It sounds like there are deeper problems.

Carter:

There are definitely deeper problems going on.

Host Tea:

I don't know how I feel this, but I sense. from just our human nature, every one of us craves for a true partner.

Carter:

And we want to be wanted.

Host Tea:

Yes. There are reasons behind how some people is unable to step out and ask the ones out. And I think that's a society issue today.

Carter:

Yeah, I'd probably say that as well. Again, from women friends that I know, from what they've told me, it sounds like men want the woman to care for the man. No way. The women, the women friends I know, strong women, they don't want to do that. They want more of this partnership we're talking about. That's what I'm saying. I don't know how many men are able to deal with this today.

Host Tea:

What do you mean by men want a woman to take care of them?

Carter:

Men may envisage that being with a woman will make them complete, and that they don't really investigate it further why they feel that way. And it turns into just weaning on a woman to care for their emotional problems, their conflicts at work, their conflicts of not having a job, stuff like that.

Host Tea:

Oh, so another person becomes outlet for their problems. Okay, that's, I think a whole different setup issue.

Carter:

Yeah, well, it I think this is a big part of why the dating today is not very good. And if men are being really poor in dating, then trying to meet women who have experienced these guys is just gonna make it a little bit harder because women be more on the edge, like looking for where's when is this person gonna be like that other guy that wet me down really badly.

Host Tea:

Sounds like men are beat up.

Carter:

Yes, but I also am encouraging men to start looking into themselves.

Host Tea:

But the way you have been describing this whole dating thing sounds like men are the bottom of the issue.

Carter:

I don't know if there's any one particular piece of an issue, but I mean if you look into like the whole red pill movement, um have you heard of the red pill movement? It's all about just becoming some other person other than yourself that's like tough and you have control over everything. I think that is a really negative causation that's that's been happening from this, is men feel like they need to have some level of control and they need to feel more like a man. But I would argue you should more so find what makes you whole in this world that doesn't have to be a partner first.

Host Tea:

Yeah. In the end, you know, to be able to find a person, to be able to have a healthy relationship, and before that, at first you should find yourself, right? To really get the bottom of who you are and what you desire, what you want in your life for real, right?

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

So I guess heal yourself first.

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

Yes, I was asking you about the love of your life, and somehow we sidetracked.

Carter:

Yes.

Host Tea:

Do you have an idea about this person, the love of your life?

Carter:

I can break it down into some maybe green flags that I'd say.

Host Tea:

How about throw me three green flags?

Carter:

Yes. The number one thing is someone who can hold a conversation.

Host Tea:

Oh my goodness. That bad, huh?

Carter:

It's crucial. No, it's crucial. It's crucial. Someone who can hold a conversation, someone who can ask questions, and someone who has a deeper interest of the world. I think like someone I'm able to...

Host Tea:

That sounds like me.

Carter:

Are you the love of my life?

Host Tea:

Well, I definitely meat those three green flags. Okay, now you have to give me maybe three more. I know maybe I'm not the love of your life.

Carter:

Active lifestyle is great because I love to exercise. That's me! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Making me think. run a podcast. No, I'm joking. Have ambition and want to help others.

Host Tea:

Oh no.

Carter:

Did I finally get one that's not yours?

Host Tea:

No. I guess you just need to keep going.

Carter:

Oh, you just have to keep going through all the green flags. And I know these are kind of like general and basic, but it comes into each kind of context of if I really like someone or not.

Host Tea:

I think what do you want it are totally valid. I mean, I'm doing all of that, right? I all my girlfriends and people I know, guys, are doing that. I think it's just a very positive way to live. That's how we grow. And that's how we feel happy every day.

Carter:

I would say that. And people who I've really connected with are all of these things, pretty much. The three or four longer relationships I've had has been we're able to connect about. I personally love also having we don't have to agree on everything. It doesn't mean that we argue or anything, but I love to not agree on everything. I actually really, really enjoy that.

Host Tea:

Oh, really?

Carter:

Yeah. Not in like a toxic way. Like not like we fight. Yeah, not like we fight or we argue or anything like that. But I love d having of when we push back against each other. I think that makes us more compatible at times.

Host Tea:

Yeah. I can resonate with what you're saying because first of all, we're two individuals together as partners, right? And there are always gonna be different opinions, yeah. Differences. It comes to whatever. You know, any it could be anything, right? There are always gonna be discussion about come to a common ground. Instead of seeing it as a conflict, it's more like to me, now I see it's an opportunity to really get to know each other better. Like, oh, what's your reasons? What's behind of that? And every difference is for me to understand better your history, who you are, and some part of you I didn't know before. We're able to have a productive conversation about this difference and come to a common ground, your relationship comes stronger.

Carter:

Right?

Host Tea:

And that's so rewarding.

Carter:

Totally, yeah.

Host Tea:

Yeah, and it builds on the trust too, right? The trust builds on that.

Carter:

And I really like to see how people come to where they're at now. I've been with some of the deeper partners, the relationships, you know, longer-term relationships I've been in. I've had partners who disagree with where my aspects are, that I'm really pretty radical. I support like more of a radical democracy where workplaces are more democratically managed and work. And I've had partners that completely disagree with that. And I love to delve into like what brought you to that conclusion. Like, have you experienced something that made you disagree with this? Oh, yeah. Just to like kind of go back into what they've experienced, what they've talked about.

Host Tea:

I think that's also a very valid question to ask. Because I think it's always some personal experience behind it. Yeah. So they formed some type of opinion, the attitude towards something.

Carter:

And also learning people's life experience, you can be more attuned and respectful to how to stuff that you are talking about and what and how you go about things, because there could be things that people are really sensitive to from their life experience that you learn from this, and you need to be aware of that in order to be respectful to your partner. So I think doing this kind of like learning about them in that way, I think is really important. Every kind of disagreement is not a conflict.

Host Tea:

Yeah.

Carter:

I wouldn't view it that way. I feel like it would be in different categories that and you should be able to be open with someone about this too.

Host Tea:

Well, yeah. I know there are some people in relationships when they disagree on different opinions or ideas, they often quickly elevate that into a conflict, into an issue. It becomes like a me against you situation. Which really don't need to be, right?

Carter:

And I would say too, like when I said earlier, don't take things too personally. Oh, that's exactly that's that's like that. If someone becomes defensive, I wouldn't take it as there's something I'm doing exactly wrong. I would take it as, oh, why, like what was the experience for you previously that's causing this? Because they want to be very conscious of that.

Host Tea:

Yeah.

Carter:

And if someone disagrees, don't take it too personally. Investigate why.

Host Tea:

Well, what advice would you give on learning to embrace disagreements the way you do?

Carter:

Ask questions. That's the biggest thing. Don't take it personally.

Host Tea:

What are the right questions to ask, Carter?

Carter:

I highly recommend not using too many 'why' questions and framing it as 'what' questions.

Host Tea:

I'm with you on that one.

Carter:

Because 'why' puts it as people can take it as you're kind of like targeting them or why did you do that?

Host Tea:

'Why do you always do that?'

Carter:

Sounds attacking, right? So bad. You can ask, what about how I phrased this made you feel this way? And going to feelings is another piece, is talking about how And it's also curiosity. Yeah. You should be curious.

Host Tea:

With curiosity, right?

Carter:

And especially in our world today, there's so many assumptions online. Everything is so bad. Everything is we have so many things that call it like straw men where you just create another person's thinking out of just your own personal animosity towards them, and just beat down that straw man. With curiosity, you are actually trying to understand the other person's life experience, how they got to this point of how they're thinking about it, what was the catalyst that pushed them in this way of thinking, stuff like that. So I would definitely recommend more what questions, less why. I love that. Asking about emotions and feelings. How does this make you feel? What about this makes you feel that way? I'll say those are probably the top two.

Host Tea:

That's very kind.

Carter:

And listen. Men like to talk. Shut up and listen. I'll be in my other thing. It's cool to listen. They'll need to be talking all the time.

Host Tea:

Yeah.

Carter:

So those would be my three tips.

Host Tea:

Where did you learn that?

Carter:

My own, myself.

Host Tea:

So your own experience?

Carter:

A little bit, but I've also I'm into philosophy. Me too. It's another one of my green flags. Oh no. I'm just joking.

Host Tea:

Aside from being fit and active.

Carter:

Yeah. Yeah, I'm into philosophy, so I just pick up some things here and there.

Host Tea:

This is really helpful for us to live a good life. Philosophy.

Carter:

Yeah. I think it's a very popular book, but I read 'The Four Agreements' recently. Have you heard of that book?

Host Tea:

Oh, okay. It's very popular. Is that a Western book?

Carter:

Yeah. Well, it's written by a man who is grew up in Mexico and he's part of an Indian tribe.

Host Tea:

I don't think I read that then.

Carter:

Okay. I wonder if it's...

Host Tea:

'Four Agreements', Okay, cool.

Carter:

I have disagreements with the books, book here and there, but he has basically four central things that would make your life better as if you agree to them, essentially. And I think those have a lot of value in it. He kind of phrases it more in like a philosophical way where it's really based on psychology. So he makes psychology more interesting because sometimes psychology can be very dry.

Host Tea:

Oh yeah.

Carter:

So he makes it more interesting in this way. And I think that is one area that I really liked a lot. And there's some existentialist books as well that taking life as it is.

Host Tea:

You're reading so much.

Carter:

One thing I really like to do is read.

Host Tea:

Wow.

Carter:

So I would say I get "Four Agreements'. There's 'How to Die' by Seneca. That's another one I kind of like.

Host Tea:

Okay. To all of you that is listening, I will gather those links and drop in the show notes for you in case you're interested. Would you give advice to girls out there like they should be only date guys who read?

Carter:

I feel like I can't tell you what to do.

Host Tea:

A guy who reads versus a guy don't read, I think they're two different guys.

Carter:

They might be, yes. I know I do have some male friends that I think they were better men when they were reading versus they're not reading now. But is that something that is very attractive as a man who reads, sits down and solemnly looks at the book and just reads?

Host Tea:

I don't know about that, but it's very sexy. I think the thought of a person who is investing time of learning either through reading a book or anything, it's very attractive. Because it's a message of him has awareness of learning something or improving something, figure something out, being curious about something, right? That's very positive thing.

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

Yeah, positive is always good.

Carter:

Yeah, positivity is always good. Yeah. Yes.

Host Tea:

Have you figured out your love language?

Carter:

Oh, definitely touch.

Host Tea:

Oh, okay.

Carter:

Yes, definitely touch. If most of my life is really thinking about is being like internal inside of my body and thinking, using my brain and all that stuff. A way to like receive the world is through like external things, right? And touch is one of those key pieces, is touch. So there's something that's feels so connected to the other person in the world from touch. And I don't know, it's like a bliss for me.

Host Tea:

Wow. Yeah. Okay, so when you show your love interest, what is your love language to the other person?

Carter:

I mean, holding your hand.

Host Tea:

So physical touch. Yes, physical touch, yeah. That's your how you express.

Carter:

But it's also judging someone's body language, right? If it's welcomed or not, because you need to be very aware that it's not always welcome.

Host Tea:

Let me tell you through my own personal research, just you know, people who are close to me. Women, physical touch was never on top of their list.

Carter:

So that's something I didn't know.

Host Tea:

Yeah. There are a significant percentage of women from my research. They're number one. Can you guess?

Carter:

Words of affirmation?

Host Tea:

No.

Carter:

Was that off?

Host Tea:

Yeah, it's kind of.

Carter:

What? Is it gifts?

Host Tea:

No, no, not number one.

Carter:

How many love languages are there? Five?

Host Tea:

Yeah, five languages, yeah. It's acts of service.

Carter:

Oh, that makes that's yeah, that actually kind of makes sense.

Host Tea:

Yeah. So don't forget acts of service, aside from the physical touch. Just want to make sure you get your dream girl.

Carter:

Yes. Keep that in mind.

Host Tea:

Great. I think you will be helpful.

Carter:

Yes. I'm gonna be the most helpful person ever.

Host Tea:

So, as someone growing up in the Bay Area, what dating norms or mindsets do you think shaped you?

Carter:

What dating norms?

Host Tea:

Yeah, for better or worse.

Carter:

Well, I'll just go over, I guess, what I've learned. I don't know if they're called norms or whatnot, but dating someone, if you're asking someone out, it's great to set a time and set a place. If you're asking someone out, it's not like you're asking them to do the work to figure out the place to go and what time. To do it. I think you should do that. Yes. Set a time, set a place. I can't emphasize enough. Ask questions.

Host Tea:

Oh my god, please. Yes.

Carter:

But I think it is really good to be bold and be courageous in things of sometimes it's really powerful to kind of slightly brush the person if you're feeling you guys are connecting really well and see how they react to that. Because women I've gone out with have said that they really liked that if everything's going well. Yeah. I mean, it's different for per people, but sometimes holding someone's hand is can be really powerful. Or doing acts of service, as we talked about, is really set it, is really taking the time to make sure everything is set up and try to have it go as well as possible, but also embrace it if it's not going well. I think saying sorry a whole bunch of times is not a very good thing if thing, let's say everything's kind of not going well at your date. Apologizing a whole bunch, you know, apologize here and there, but just kind of embrace it.

Host Tea:

I think that's some good tips for going on dates with someone you just met. I want to ask a further question regarding acts of service. Today, not every man would act as traditional gentlemen anymore. They don't have the same concept. Or they maybe don't have the concept of acts of service at all. What's your take on that? When you mention acts of service, there could be many actions be going into it, right? The most simple gestures would be like opening doors. Yeah. People stop doing that. Men don't do that anymore. Do you do that?

Carter:

Yes.

Host Tea:

And what do you think of men who don't do that?

Carter:

Well, it depends on I think in a wider range of things, it could be like a societal thing that we live in a very individualist society here where it's little less about caring for others, so it could be that could be attributing to it. I think you should be trying to do something for the other person as much as you can.

Host Tea:

I love that.

Carter:

Obviously, you can also make boundaries over what that some huge request might be and whatnot. But I do think, yeah, men should be doing that. And I've also at times when I've gone on a date, I've done that for a woman, and she's told me, I can do that for myself. You don't need to do that. And so it is up to the person's preference, the other woman's preference. But you should always on the side of being a gentleman and doing something for the other person. I also will say that I did go out with someone who wanted me to do everything. Open every door, and close everything.

Host Tea:

When you open door, just open all the doors, why not?

Carter:

And close every door and order everything and do that, and that was not going to work for me either. For me, acts of service should be done because you want to do them, not because you have a rule that you have to do them. If that makes sense.

Host Tea:

But you didn't do that because you wanted to do that.

Carter:

Well, she made it a rule that I had to open every door.

Host Tea:

But you were opening doors anyways.

Carter:

I would have done it, as a good amount of times as well, yeah.

Host Tea:

How did that rule even come up?

Carter:

It just started coming up, and I said I felt uncomfortable by having that as like I have to do it rather than I want to do it.

Host Tea:

Was it because you forgot to open some doors, therefore she was like, oh no.

Carter:

I don't think I forgot. There was just times I was if we got into a car, I was like, I would say this is a very specific example, but the car I drive at the time the passenger side door was broken, so you couldn't unlock it from the outside. I don't have like an electric like fob. Oh, so I had to get in the car and unlock it on the inside, and then she got really mad because I didn't unlock it on the inside, then get out of the car and come around and then open it. Oh and that's when it came up, and I felt like that was personally kind of ridiculous.

Host Tea:

Oh, you had to unlock from inside, then walk out.

Carter:

And she didn't want to touch it or open it.

Host Tea:

Well, boomers would do it.

Carter:

But again, it's just like if I like you, I'm going to do it, and it will happen. I don't think it should really be a rule. If that makes sense.

Host Tea:

You didn't like her.

Carter:

The first few dates I did, and then she progressively got a little bit more and more She She took it too serious. I would say, yeah, I would get too serious in a bit. She was a kind of mean. I feel like if your relationship is hinging on the fact that if someone's opening an or closing a door for you, I think the relationship might not work.

Host Tea:

I agree. Yes.

Carter:

So in my view, acts of service are great, yet the tiniest ones might not have to happen every time, you know? That's me, and if people disagree, then that's great.

Host Tea:

What's one lesson about dating or relationships you have to learn the hard way from your experience?

Carter:

If the other person doesn't want to make it work, then it's not going to work.

Host Tea:

Okay. That's a very good advice.

Carter:

That's been one of the biggest ones. I've had to learn that one a couple times. That I've felt like it's all been my fault. But if the other person really doesn't want to make it work, then it's just not going to work.

Host Tea:

Actually, I know there are some women that I know them personally too. They date guys they really like and they vibe really well. However, this guy's not ready. For example, this guy still in the final stage of the divorce.

Carter:

Oh, yeah.

Host Tea:

Type of thing. Or just got divorced, they're not really ready for a like serious long-term relationship.

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

So they actually tell these women, like, I'm not ready. They tell them clearly, however, they do not give up. And eventually they have to break up. So I think the same scenario as what you just mentioned. When the person is telling you already, you should just believe it.

Carter:

But I do know how strong your fantasy is of just if you do this little thing differently, it'll change. Or if you just wait enough time in this relationship, it'll change. I don't know. For other people, maybe it works. For me, it's never happened that way. And so there's a really tough lesson that you just have to let it go.

Host Tea:

Thank you for sharing that.

Carter:

You have to let it go.

Host Tea:

Yeah.

Carter:

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Host Tea:

Yes, totally. Positive. Yes. Let's be positive.

Carter:

You deserve someone as much as you want to be with someone, they you deserve someone who wants to be as much into you.

Host Tea:

Something about you. What would a girl be doing so that will really touch your heart? Some gesture or the way, you know, and make you fall for her. I guess it's about what you really appreciate.

Carter:

Yeah. Again, it's kind of an act of service. I think I really like if someone I'm seeing, they kind of plan out a little bit of a date.

Host Tea:

Yeah. Somebody making effort, right? Yeah. Yes.

Carter:

I think the effort is really really important.

Host Tea:

Like going back to what you mentioned earlier, not letting you be doing everything.

Carter:

Yeah, which obviously, right, at the beginning, it's I think it's important for a man to be doing things.

Host Tea:

So I can speak for myself as a girl. Like, well, I really like somebody when a man already shows so much how much he likes me and the effort he's putting already in the beginning. For example, first three dates, right? He already planned everything. And then I really like him. And I would definitely want to do something for this person or a plan next date. Or a little surprise, like, oh, let's go here.

Carter:

Yeah.

Host Tea:

I'm taking you here.

Carter:

I love that. Yeah. And I also really like even fun dates. There's one time where someone was seeing she wanted to go skateboarding.

Host Tea:

Oh, that's really cool.

Carter:

I thought it was just I just love that because it wasn't like you had to get super fancy or anything. It was so casual and it was amazing. Stuff like that, I really, really enjoy as well. It's just kind of spur of the moment almost things.

Host Tea:

I think we could be doing a whole episode about what some fun ideas for dating, right? Yeah.

Carter:

We definitely could.

Host Tea:

I do have final two questions I wanna just ask you before we wrap this up.

Carter:

Okay.

Host Tea:

What do you wish girls do more often these days?

Carter:

Maybe have more fun. I feel like some people take it a little too seriously. Uptight? Yeah, a little bit. In dating. I think you have a little bit more fun.

Host Tea:

Just relax a little bit before. Yeah, yeah.

Carter:

And everything doesn't need to be exactly perfect. In the dates, I think there's actually a lot of fun to be had when it's not going super perfectly, too.

Host Tea:

Yeah, when a guy didn't open the door this time, you don't have to set a rule right after. You can wait.

Carter:

Basically, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Not as perfectionist in some things, in some details with how like dates go and stuff. And yeah, really own who you are as well. I love when people can be more open and it makes a conversation so much better and you can learn more about each other a lot faster.

Host Tea:

Okay, now what can you share with guys out there? What should they be doing more often than these days?

Carter:

Well, obviously, acts of service, if that's the number one thing that women reported, but always ask more questions. I know I've said that like a million times, but ask more questions. Okay. And really listen. That's like my biggest advice to guys. And apparently take a shower according according to some of my friends. So really take care of yourself and ask more questions.

Host Tea:

Okay, that's fair. Totally fair. Yes. It sounds very simple, but it makes a huge difference.

Carter:

Apparently, people aren't doing it.

Host Tea:

Apparently. Okay, cool. Thank you so much, Carter.

Carter:

Yes, of course.

Host Tea:

I totally enjoyed this.

Carter:

Thank you for having me with your pages of questions. Yeah. This is awesome.

Host Tea:

All right.

Carter:

Well, see you next time.

Host Tea:

To everyone listening, I hope this episode will give you not just answers, but better questions, more clarity, and a little more kindness towards yourself and others. Here's a simple reminder from today's conversation. Two simple communication tips you can take with you. Number one: ask less why and more what and how. Why often sounds like a blame. What and how? Open space for understanding. For example, when you ask, how does this make you feel? It shows care and you might honesty instead of defense. Number two, listening is one of the most attractive and powerful things you can do in any relationship. So, if Carter's style and value have resonated with you, you're curious and intrigued, check out our show notes to find out how to apply to date him. If you want to know what he looks like, check out the dating chit page on Instagram or YouTube. If you enjoyed this conversation, please hit subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who would appreciate it. Or that one friend who needs a reminder that driven, interesting, and emotionally available men are out there. If this episode brought you value, you're always welcome to take me out for a virtual coffee at buymeacoffee.com/the datingchit. It helps keep the mics on. And I truly appreciate the gesture. And if you or someone amazing you know would be a great guest for this show, you will find the application link in the show notes as well. That's it for now. Thanks for tuning in to this episode of The Dating Chit. I'm your host, Tea. Until next time, keep showing up, stay kind, stay curious, and never settle for less than the love you truly deserve. P.S., One quick note for transparency some recommendations from the show include Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to use them, it supports the podcast at no extra cost to you. See you in the next episode.

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Tongalag Liu

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