What Dating Bay Area Engineers Really Feels Like (w/Violina)

Dating a Bay Area engineer can look perfect on paper… but feel unexpectedly lonely in real life.

In this episode, we get brutally honest about what it’s actually like dating engineers in Silicon Valley—the parts that feel safe and stable, and the parts that quietly hurt. Violina is back, and we’re sharing real stories, unpacking patterns we kept running into, and reflecting on the moments that led to some big realizations.

We also talk about the green flags—what draws so many people to engineers in the first place—and why those same traits can sometimes create disconnect in relationships.

This is about understanding what works, what doesn’t, and what actually matters in the long run. If you’ve ever felt like you’re dating someone who tries to debug emotions instead of actually feeling them, this conversation will hit home.

Whether you’re dating in the Bay Area, seeing a software engineer, or you are an engineer wanting to understand how this dynamic can land, this episode offers clarity—and some practical questions you’ll wish you had asked earlier.

Transcript

Host Tea 0:01

Hey you. Welcome to The Dating Chit, a space designed to help you move beyond assumptions and guesswork, so you can date and love with clarity and confidence. I'm your host, Tea. Today, my guest, Violina and I are diving into a very specific topic. What it's actually like to date engineers in the Bay Area. If you remember, Violina was on episode seven and we had such a great conversation that we decided to come back and explore this one together. Why? We're both dated engineers. And honestly, so many of our friends are engineers too. Over time, we started noticing certain patterns and shared trades, just since we picked up from our own real life experiences. So in this episode, we're unpacking our experiences, what worked, what didn't, and yes, we ended up talking about our exes. If you're currently dating an engineer, or you are an engineer and you are curious how women like us might perceive you, this episode is especially for you. P.S. We're keeping it super honest and transparent. So hope you appreciate it. Let's dive in. Hi V, how's it going? Hi Tea.

Speaker 1 1:22

Good, good. How about you? Great. Welcome back to the studio. Thank you for having me again today.

Logic Versus Emotional Connection

Host Tea 1:27

We did great last time. Yes, yes, it was great. Okay, so we decided we're gonna talk about dating engineers this time.

Speaker 1 1:37

Yes, engineers.

Host Tea 1:39

So how many engineer boyfriends have you had?

Speaker 1 1:43

Um, just one. Just one. There were times where I have crossed paths. You know, I went out on dates with software engineer.

Host Tea 1:51

Just not in a relationship.

Speaker 1 1:53

No.

Host Tea 1:54

I see.

Speaker 1 1:54

Yeah.

Host Tea 1:54

And I know you mentioned you've been in a relationship with this one engineer boyfriend for over one year. Yeah, it it was one and a half. One and a half one and a half year. Well, you had a good experience with him, even though you broke up, right?

Speaker 1 2:09

Yeah, during the r the relationship he he taught me a lot. And also like I have seen, I've noticed um, you know, the logic of the people who are really, really logical. You know, like some reasoning, some perspective is kind of different from me or from my friends. How different? In what ways? I think it also has to do with how, you know, the person have been raised in a family, the culture, you know, the environment, but also the occupation, you know, work, right? Because like in one day you have spent a lot of time in your office or like with your coworkers. So uh with your job, it can't help but like you have to have a certain perspective in in in terms of like deciding stuff and processing like decisions and stuff.

Host Tea 2:59

In your opinion, in your experience, when when you go on dates or when you're in in a relationship with one, do you feel it's hard to communicate with them on certain things because they are very logical and they're stuck into their work mindset?

Speaker 1 3:13

Yes, I would say that at the very beginning I felt challenging. If it was really challenging to talk to them. Could you give us an example? For example, like if we have like a topic to discuss and if there was like an disagreement, their mindset is very, very logical, but also it's not wrong, but it's also not right, if that makes sense.

Host Tea 3:37

So for someone, like I think I can understand what you're saying. Are you talking about just their approach? How they're addressing the topic, how they're trying to communicate the style they're expressing is uh really hard to accept.

Speaker 1 3:51

Yes, it's like they have very little emotional in terms of thinking of others. I don't know how to I have an example.

The Driver Story And Control

Host Tea 3:59

Let me share first, and maybe you can resonate and maybe you you can share another example of that. Sure. This may be a red flag, actually, uh, from my previous relationship. I was reflecting, right? Did I miss some red flags throughout this relationship because I had a great time and then didn't work out? And this one example I'm about to share with you, I think might be a red flag.

unknown 4:20

Okay.

Host Tea 4:20

So my ex-boyfriend, he had a driver. He was generous enough for me to use the driver. So sometimes when I go somewhere, for example, I need to have a city, attend an event, or have dinner with girlfriends, I will use, which was rarely, to be honest.

Speaker 3 4:36

Yeah.

Host Tea 4:36

So one day I needed to head out and I did tell him, okay, this is the thing I'm going to attend. I'm gonna be going to the city.

Speaker 2 4:43

Yes.

Host Tea 4:43

I will take the driver with me. It's cool with that. When I had my event after that, I decided to join those girls for dinner.

Speaker 1 4:50

Right.

Host Tea 4:51

Right? So I stayed behind and he called me and asked me what time will I be coming back and what's happening. I said, Oh, I will be having dinner with my friends here. He said, Oh, you didn't tell me that. I didn't know you're gonna be out all night. Basically, he said, Oh, I need to send the driver home, which is was really hard for him to understand because a lot of times we went out, party, and have late-night dinner.

Speaker 3 5:14

Yes.

Host Tea 5:14

The driver did not go home until after 12 a.m.

Speaker 3 5:17

Uh-huh.

Host Tea 5:17

So it was never an issue like that. So to me, it was like he was making an excuse, asserting his power or something, a control. So he did. He sent the driver home after the driver dropped all of us to a restaurant. Later on, I took Uber home myself.

unknown 5:32

Okay.

Host Tea 5:33

So was it before 12 or after 12? Oh, it's like 10 p.m. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, it wasn't like late, late, late. I see it. Yeah, so when I got back, I said, hey, so what's going on? What was that, right? He's like, uh, I'd like to just talk about setting a boundary with you. I said, of course, we can talk about anything. But, it wasn't so cool that you just abandoned me in the city. But yeah, so he did offer a resolution later on. That's why I thought, okay, it's cool. It's all great. He still cares about this relationship, and he offered a solution that worked. However, at that moment, when I was out, and he actually abandoned me without offering me calling me an Uber or anything. He's like, You're an independent woman, you could call your own Uber. So to me, of course I can, but that's not something a man does.

Speaker 1 6:25

Were you upset because he sent the driver home, or you were upset that he didn't have any action after that?

Host Tea 6:33

I think a real man, a gentleman, would be thinking for me. One, he will not send the driver home, he will wait for me to come back, have a conversation with me about boundaries or anything I made him feel uncomfortable. You know, he will still make sure the driver delivered me home, right? Two is okay, you send the driver home, but you know, let me call you an Uber when you finish, right?

Speaker 3 6:55

Uh huh.

Host Tea 6:56

So that's what I imagine a responsible man, a man who cared about me, would be doing. Instead, he didn't do that. So I thought, okay, that might be a red flag. And that kind of reflects back to the question, lack of emotion.

Speaker 1 7:08

Okay, so based on this situation, um, my take is that I don't think it's about being a software engineer or not. I feel like this is more of like a personal persp perspective towards things. I still feel like other software engineers might handle the s situation differently. Oh, okay. But but I can understand. I can I can understand you. But I think in in this situation, I'm not sure whether like your boyfriend was trying to see how you handle the situation.

Host Tea 7:39

Well, whatever that is, right, his intention was, which I didn't really appreciate much at all. I feel that mindset is kind of like dislocating emotional intelligence, which I find common in engineers I've come across.

Speaker 1 7:57

I think of one example which it was a really hard conversation between me and my ex. And until this day, I still kind of like disagree. And I'm not sure if other software engineers out there would disagree with me of how I think or not. But I'll give you an example. So my ex would compare the relationship and income statement. So he would ask me, like, Oh wait, your ex-engineer. Yeah. He would compare you with an income statement. I'll give an example. For example, like he would ask me, hey, do you think you contribute to this relationship? Do you think you are an asset or a liability? You know? So that's I know that's interesting. Yeah, right. So yeah, he he is a software engineer, but I feel like I'm not sure if it was really him or he read some other journal and then just brought it up and just had that conversation with me. But speaking from someone who had an MBA myself, like I know how the income statement is and his intention is to It doesn't sound positive to me. No intention. No, because like he would ask me, like, do you think you see yourself as an asset or lively in this relationship? How do you even bring that up? Because most of the time, right, men would pay for women. Like, let's say, for for example, like when we go out, we go eat, we go to dinner, bars and stuff, most of the time, um, my ex would pay, right? And I'm not sure the true reason behind this topic came up, that we had that conversation, but it kind of made me feel bad, right?

Host Tea 9:34

Of course it would.

Speaker 1 9:35

Because he was kind of implying that am I a liability in this relationship?

Host Tea 9:42

Yeah.

Speaker 1 9:43

Which I feel really, really bad. I feel really bad.

Host Tea 9:46

Yes, I feel really bad. That's not a great way to approach a problem.

Speaker 1 9:51

Because human relationship is not about benefits, right? It's not transactional. In economics, yes, I understand, you know, opportunity costs, you know, spending one hour instead of doing an one hour that you can profit or maximize whatever. But in the human relationship, especially like romantic relationships, you cannot really see it as the way he framed.

Host Tea 10:15

Yeah, and it's not quantifiable.

Speaker 1 10:17

No. And I was having a hard time. Even though I know the answer, but it was How did you respond to that? I was just, you know, quiet. Because I know that regardless of whatever I say, he already had an answer in his mind. And I just did not want to argue.

Host Tea 10:33

So I was just-what's bothering you? What's on your mind about us?

Speaker 1 10:39

Yeah, I think it's just we both have different mindset, different, you know, perception. It seems like he did not appreciate you enough. Yeah, which is sad. That's why like we're no longer together. But it it taught me a lot. And at the beginning of the relationship, I even asked him, like, hey, like, are you a robot? I feel like some conversation. He said that. Yeah, I said like, hey, are you a robot? Because some conversation and the way you talk is just so robotic to me. You didn't even laugh. Like, he himself actually mentioned that I actually not I'm not sure if I know what love is. And I don't even know if I have ever loved any of my exes. Oh my god. Yeah, he actually mentioned that.

Host Tea 11:18

My ex, whom I just mentioned, he also said, and I appreciate when I said this, he said, I'm not sure if I know how to love. Yeah. But he has already shown in so many daily actions to me. I thought he cared. You know, little gestures. I really appreciate it. I said, you're doing a great job.

Speaker 1 11:36

Yeah, everyone has different love languages to express, and also we also have different love languages that you we feel um appreciate to receive.

Host Tea 11:47

So anyways, what we just talk about. Do you think Bozar stories is relevant? Some part of it is the characteristics of engineers in Silicon Valley?

Speaker 1 11:57

I think it's kind of similar.

Host Tea 11:59

It's an emotional connection because is true?

Speaker 1 12:03

Because in their mind, everything has to be like structured, right? It has to be like this plus this equal to this, and they just stick with that. No emotion, no compromising. Sometimes you cannot just make a decision based on, you know, just a structure that has already been set alone. You need, you know, some empathy. You need some love, which some of them might don't even understand what it is.

Host Tea 12:34

Uh okay, talking about empathy, I do feel that is quite common. Every engineer I came across, they have a minimal level empathy. Obviously, both of us went out with them and it did not work out. But to me.

Speaker 1 12:49

But I'm still pretty hopeful for some other software engineer in the future.

Host Tea 12:53

Of course, we're not I wouldn't dismiss we're not generalizing everything, right? Everybody is different and there are great people out there. We're just talking about our experiences and what might reflect to a group of people. I think certain group of people, professional, like engineers, the reason we're talking about is because they are different from us.

Speaker 1 13:12

Yeah.

Host Tea 13:13

And that they do come across, have cer certain commonalities amongst them. And I do feel it's really interesting to discuss that. And so people can see it more clearly. And even for other women who might be dating them, it could be some uh helpful information, hopefully, to be more intentional about what they might be facing.

Speaker 1 13:33

Yeah, I still think that like one of the most important is to learn the personality and the character of the person first. The way they're reasoning of other things, then it could follow. I still give them the benefit of a doubt.

Host Tea 13:48

Yes, that's our part. We always do the best. But unfortunately, my experience is empathy in general is lacking here.

Empathy And Giving To Others

Speaker 1 13:55

I agree. I'll give an example. So I was coming from Asia, right? And I have always have a soft heart for the unhoused people. So sometimes I would donate food and like money. Or like I do donate blood once every like three, four months, and my ex would be upset. He said out loud. He said, like, hey, like, why would you want to give to the strangers and not me? So he even like compared, like, why would it be generous to those who you do not even know than me? And I was like, it's not.

Host Tea 14:31

I'm glad you're not dating him anymore, girl. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 14:35

My perspective is that like I want to give to those who You don't have some values. Yeah. I want to help. I want to give to those who do not have an ability to earn, right? The unhoused people, they do not have food. Of course I want to buy food. Um, they do not have clothes, of course I want to give away. But then other people myself would be like, it's not our responsibility. But I don't see it that way, you know what I mean? Yeah, you see the world differently. Yeah, I see the world differently. He he was really upset when he knows that like I do blood donation.

Host Tea 15:08

He was upset? Upset. Because he was comparing himself to the people you're trying to help. Yes. Also, but he was like Can't believe he cares so much.

Speaker 1 15:16

But he was like, I care for you. is it good for your health? Like, I can see that perspective of him, you know, like he was kind of like looking out for me. Does it hurt me to give to others something like that? I also understand his perspective, but most of the time, I feel like I'm more sensitive. Yeah. I'm more sensitive in terms of, you know, empathy, giving, loving, caring other people.

Host Tea 15:43

I think empathy is a really important quality that people really should be having in order to be having a healthy relationship. If I don't have empathy, I won't be understanding where you're coming from and why you carry the pain you carry and what causing you to acting like this.

Speaker 1 16:00

Yes, I agree with you. Empathy is the trait that makes you, you know, being considerate and human and kind.

Host Tea 16:08

Human and kind. I do give some credit to the engineers we dated. I don't know about your engineer, but my guy, I do feel he really made effort of trying to work out in situations that we're trying to navigate through. And I really appreciate that. You know, he was also brave enough to bring up a conversation so we can get through a disagreement. So it showed me empathy at a certain level. However, in the end, really his action showed me he just does not have the level of empathy we need to be able to have a relationship. If empathy is from one to ten, he probably just have two or one point five. It was pretty scary to me.

Speaker 1 16:50

I think it's important, right? I think I have mentioned on the first time that we did podcast together that it's important for us to understand the person. Understand the person, meaning how they're raised, you know, the environment, their work, their job, also their priority. What is his priority in life?

Work Priorities And Feeling Second

Host Tea 17:12

Their priority. Yes. Right. So do you think engineers often have a hard time of deciding whether their girlfriend is more important or other work is more important?

Speaker 1 17:21

I would say this for my ex. So my ex definitely prioritized his work.

Host Tea 17:27

Okay, I will say that about my ex too.

Speaker 1 17:29

And they said, actually, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. Because, okay, different people have different mindset, okay? But let's say if a guy prioritizes you over his family, let's say, or like over his parents, or over his work. That's not right. That's not right. Yeah. Right? Because you asked yourself, would you prioritize the guy over everything else? My true and honest answer would be no.

Host Tea 17:57

I didn't think of that, right? So my ex, he was stuck in a dilemma between his work, his kids, and me. He even honestly expressed his dilemma. He's like, Tea, I don't know sometimes who is more important, who I should be treating more importantly, my kids, work, my dog, or you, you know. so I know he was juggling everything at once and everything mattered to him. But, you know, in the end, I always felt I was least important, not even as important as his dog.

Speaker 1 18:29

I did not know your ex personally, but I feel like whenever a person mentioned that sentence, how I analyze it is that the person who said those, they know. The reason they say that is because they want the person who, the listener, to understand them and to comfort them, if that makes sense. Oh.

Host Tea 18:53

I don't think I'd like to hear that. But back then, that moment, I really felt he was being genuine. I was like, oh, yes, it did make me feel like I should be more understanding. Yeah.

Speaker 1 19:05

Because I feel like, of course, he knows. Kids, career, or the girlfriend. At his age, really, like he would I think he knew. But I think he he wanted to hear from you that, oh, it's okay. I understand, I'll be by your side. I mean, based on personality, right? If you're like soft, you can say, like, I'll be here supporting you. Like, I understand you were having a hard time, I'll be here for you. But again, it's really depends on every woman character, right? So you think it was more like I feel like he wanted to hear that, if you ask me. Yeah.

Host Tea 19:42

Well, let's talk about something more positive about engineers.

Green Flags And Honest Directness

Speaker 1 19:46

Okay.

Host Tea 19:47

So, engineers, of course, they have their green flags, right? So, to you, what are some green flags that really attracted you in the first place?

Speaker 1 19:56

I have met quite numbers of, you know, good um software engineers. Actually, a lot of my friends are software engineers. Okay, let's both men and women.

Host Tea 20:04

Aside from their great at their job, let's talk about other traits.

Speaker 1 20:09

Yeah, they are of course they are intelligent, right? Yes, yes. When you can have- That's very attractive. Yeah, that's very attractive. You can have a conversation with them and ask, like, hey, like, what's your vision in five years or ten years?

Host Tea 20:21

They love answering that.

Speaker 1 20:22

Oh my gosh. Yes. And like, um, oh, I have seen this piece of news. Um, what do you think? Um, what's your take on that? So I have always enjoyed my conversation with my friends. Me too, yeah. Yeah. But also, again, right? I don't think it's a software engineer thing. A lot of them are very caring. Like caring, taking care of me. Even like I hang out, they're like, okay, let me book an Uber for you home. Like to make sure that like you get home safe. So I feel like it depends. Other software engineers wouldn't do that.

Host Tea 20:53

Yeah, yeah. It's not to do with being a software engineer.

Speaker 1 20:55

Yeah. I think common things that they share, it's more like how the reasoning. Like the way they think, the pattern in their mind, how they process the stuff. They're very like structured. Uh put that way. Like very structured.

Host Tea 21:08

Yeah, I think I almost can see when my ex when he was trying to resolve an issue or trying to respond to me, like his mind was working. I can just see that, you know, there's some algorithms working in his head. It was super funny.

Speaker 1 21:21

Yeah, which is it's not a bad thing. It's good. But sometimes, for example, right, like if you want to deliver a message to someone, there are like five or ten ways of you to communicate with someone. But you can always change the words of choice, you know, how you phrase the stuff. It's the same thing.

Host Tea 21:39

Yes. They they they are more like just like Yes, it's not emotional intelligence.

Speaker 1 21:45

Like it's really straightforward. Maybe sometimes it's not smooth. And sometimes people take it as like, oh, you're not polite. But sometimes it's not them being rude or not polite, but it's just like they're not intentional being rude, but they're rude.

Host Tea 21:58

I had to tell my ex over and over. About, hey, the way you said this was not true and made me feel terrible. For him, he was willing to listen and he was willing to adjust, but it's really hard. But also, actually, it's also good in a way, you know, because some people who Yes, it's a good in a way. It's has pros and cons for sure.

Speaker 1 22:19

Because people who are really, really good at speaking and trying to like someone who is a really trying to decorate some intentions. Like someone who is like very talented in telling you something, like very convincing, right? Sometimes they use manipulative wordings. Yes.

Host Tea 22:37

But I know where you're going. Yes.

Speaker 1 22:38

But they are not, right? Sovereign engineer, they're not.

Host Tea 22:40

Yeah, so at least you know they're being honest. This is it. Yeah, this is it. This is what you see is what you get. Yes.

Speaker 1 22:46

Straightforward, straightforward. Two straightforward sometimes.

Host Tea 22:50

There's no games. There's no hiding. Yeah. Yeah. And a little bit like insensitive sometimes. Yes, they are. I agree with that. That is also happened with my ex.

Speaker 1 23:00

Like sometimes when when we were at restaurants, right? Like most of the times I always say like, please, yes, please, I want this, please, thank you. I appreciate it. I always like say those things. But sometimes they are like, I want this. And then, no, please, no. Okay. Not thinking. That's what's going on with me. Maybe they forgot.

Host Tea 23:20

Maybe they forgot. He also tells me when we're talking about something to us, he'd like to say, I want this. I like this. It's not like I prefer this, but if you like this, it's never like that. It's never like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 23:33

One thing I noticed a little bit more like that.

Host Tea 23:36

But I think being in a relationship with someone like that, with the engineer who is being direct, is not so sensitive. That is their shortage. However, you know, there are wonderful things about them, that person, therefore you're going out with them, right? For me, I was more looking at, okay, I have a great guy right here. He did all of this, he's being so nice in all this area. I don't need to be focusing on the things he's not doing great. Everybody has something they're not doing great. Right? Yeah. So I was more like, is this deal breaker? No, it's not. So I think uh it's totally cool of choosing your engineer, but just be intentional of who you're dealing with, what type of person you're dealing with, and how you are able to adjust or accommodate that, whether you're able to feel comfortable of having someone behave like that in your life.

Speaker 1 24:27

Yeah, like again, I do see some certain common personality that the software engineers have, but also I feel like it's individual.

Conflict Avoidance And Emotional Maturity

Host Tea 24:37

I'm sure there's always, I mean, everybody is still different, like even though in the same profession, right? Okay. So we just talk about engineers being insensitive sometimes, right? Yeah. And also their expressions often very direct. Right. So in your experience, how do they normally handle emotional conversation or any discrement conflicts you may have together?

Speaker 1 24:57

Sometimes they just dismiss it. Dismiss it? Dismiss meaning like avoid it? Avoid it. Or like, oh, I don't know. And then just change the topic. Whenever I had like an emotional conversation with my ex, it was never like a long conversation. They wouldn't want to touch so much on that.

Host Tea 25:15

Do you think that's um quite common for engineers?

Speaker 1 25:18

Well, learning that your ex also had the same kind of like response, I think it's pretty similar.

Host Tea 25:25

Maybe. I think in the end it is. Um even though throughout our relationship he did try to have conversations with me. He was very smart about having conversations, even though sometimes it's really difficult, but it worked out. However, in the end, it didn't work out. He chose to dismiss in the most critical moment. In the moment it would really actually help us to learn better. Avoidant, right? Yeah, better about each other. This opportunity to really grow together, to understand each other deeper. But also, like most men here are avoidant as well.

Speaker 1 25:58

Or avoidant, like they would withdraw, right? They wouldn't confront. They would avoid confrontation. Anytime they have like conflicts, they would just like dismiss.

Host Tea 26:06

I think engineer because the largest group of men are engineers. Yeah. So I kind of agree with that type of trait is kind of common for engineers. Yeah, I see that a lot.

Speaker 1 26:16

I see that.

Host Tea 26:17

Yeah. You look pretty certain. I agree with you. Yes.

unknown 26:21

Yeah.

Host Tea 26:22

It's painful.

Speaker 1 26:23

It is because especially me, if I have anything, I want to communicate. I want to sort things out.

Host Tea 26:31

So that's we have to. We have to. And your relationships, right? And I think whoever your profession is, you have to at some point really set yourself down and to have a conversation with yourself to step up. Yeah, you want to solve the problem.

Speaker 1 26:47

You want you want to have like a the closure of that particular topic.

Host Tea 26:53

Yeah.

Speaker 1 26:53

Or some certain situation that you have just like gone through. Or you want to have like a solution, right?

Host Tea 26:59

Yeah, even at your job, you need to have a solution to move on. To move on. Yeah. To complete the project. Right.

Speaker 1 27:06

But but these people, they just dismiss, withdraw, and just leave it like that. Which is, I feel like, oh, you can do better. I would I would term it as emotional immature, you know. Okay, agreed.

unknown 27:18

Yeah.

Speaker 1 27:19

They might be emotionally available to love you, to like you, but maybe they're not good at handling conflict or handling, you know, disagreement.

Host Tea 27:30

I mean, if they can bring themselves to have some awareness, then they're able to really starting.

Speaker 1 27:36

Because maybe most men believe that if they kind of like get quiet and let go, eventually women would be like compromising and go back to them and like, you know, without them having to sort anything out. So I feel like most of the time, even friendship, yeah, relationship over.

Host Tea 27:55

I mean I would never do that. That if something in my heart is not sitting right, I want to talk to resolve it before we can move forward. Otherwise you accumulate and it becomes resentment. Yeah. And your relationship will never work out.

Speaker 1 28:07

But also it depends on the situation too, as well. You know, so let's say like it's a really, really bad If it challenges your baseline, your value, that's a big issue. Sometimes it's actually smarter to withdraw for a moment and then talk when you're like more calmer. When you're not emotionally triggered, you might have a better response.

Host Tea 28:29

If that's what you agree. But not just like withdraw and let go. Yeah. It's like, hey, let's talk about this tomorrow. Is that okay? Yeah. Let's process it now. Yeah. That's like a mature approach. Yes. Yes, I agree with that. Instead of just completely dismiss it, right? It's like not even talking anything, not even telling you what are we gonna do about this issue. Yeah, that that that's not okay. No, it's not. It's like also lack of respect, right? It's not respecting your feelings. Wow. So what are some good traits shows up quite consistently when dating engineers here in Bay Area?

Speaker 1 29:06

They take a really good care of me. They're taking a really good care of me. Okay, great. Okay. They just did too. Yeah, they shoot good restaurants, like good rooftop bar, rooftop bars. Um, they would bring me to like the work event. So I like that. Yeah, they did too.

Host Tea 29:25

Yeah. It was great. So is there anything surprising about dating engineer the way they like think? Yeah, that's it still surprises you.

Speaker 1 29:33

Yeah, it's still like wow. No, because it wasn't common for me to date a software engineer when I was in Thailand. Because most of the professionals that I have come across was Okay, I agree.

Host Tea 29:46

It's completely different from Asia. Different. Okay. Different. It's just normal, much more normal in Asia. But now we are in the Bay Area, everything. We don't even know what to expect. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 29:56

We didn't know until we have a conversation with them. And I was like, oh, okay. That's how you think. Different.

unknown 30:05

Yeah.

Speaker 1 30:06

Yeah.

Host Tea 30:07

Do you agree man in Asia is a more responsible, more manly, more chill. They take care of women better.

Speaker 1 30:14

Not necessarily. Oh really? Yeah. Not in Thailand. No. No.

Host Tea 30:20

Well, that's my experience. In China, just pretty straightforward. You always know what to expect from man. It's easy.

Speaker 1 30:27

Here is a surprise sometimes. Like you don't know what to expect.

Host Tea 30:31

I know. Can you imagine me coming from China, having that consistency? I feel you. And now it's like completely chaotic. Yeah. I feel you.

Speaker 1 30:39

I yeah, we come from the same place. So I understand.

Host Tea 30:44

Wow. So you would date another engineer then?

First Date Questions And Core Values

Speaker 1 30:47

Again, right? Like I wouldn't dismiss um a certain occupation just based on like a not so good experience with others. I still believe that it's individual. You you can still find a good, responsible, concentrate software engineer in the barrier. I'm hopeful.

Host Tea 31:05

So what do you think are some really important questions to ask in the future on the first date with engineer so you can really detect some qualities ahead of time before you dive in deeper?

Speaker 1 31:16

It has to start with what you are looking for, right? What is the core values that you want to see in the man? So for me, the belief is really important. First, you will only date Christians, right? Preferably. I want to be with someone who is Christian.

Host Tea 31:33

Or they appreciate your face.

Speaker 1 31:36

Right. And and and they have to be like understanding core values. And the way they interact with other people, you know, strangers, do they love their family? Do they respect their parents? How they speak of others' people? Do they bad mouth or talk bad? Because, you know, it reflects their character so so much.

Host Tea 31:56

You know, the thing is it is a process, you know, to get to know a person. On the first date, we won't be able to really know, okay, this person can't really communicate properly, and this person is attentive and he has empathy, he's compassionate, and he has a good level of emotional intelligence. You can't tell all of them over one or even two dates. Yes. You have to invest time.

Speaker 1 32:20

But still, like the first few dates, it still gives you a good indication, right? I feel like your body will tell you naturally, whether you feel comfortable or not. You will know if that conversation flowed really naturally or there was some date airs when you talk to a person, you feel it.

Host Tea 32:38

Yes, when you feel something's not, right? Right. Something not, right?

Speaker 1 32:42

So whenever if um I feel uncomfortable, I know that oh, that person is probably not for me. Yeah. And of course you don't want to spend the second or third dates with a person that you feel uncomfortable with, right?

Host Tea 32:53

Yeah, that's very true. So, V, what else can we talk about, or what else could you share that could uh be helpful information to girls out there who might be dating or going out with engineers?

Speaker 1 33:06

I think the most important thing is you have to know yourself first. You know yourself. New wants, no you know yourself, you are secured with yourself. Do not go on dates because you're desperate. Do not go on dates because just because you want to have a boyfriend or have someone. You have to be secured emotionally, financially as well. You have to be secured. You must know what you want in the relationship, what kind of qualities in a man that you want. As soon as you know, it's kind of like prepare you to be in the ready stage where you can go seeing other people. And when you have those standards set, then it kind of like narrowed down what type of people that you want to meet.

Host Tea 33:55

I agree. It will guide you to where you want to be. Definitely. And we all should have uh qualities in a person that is definitely non-negotiable, the deal breakers. I agree. And don't be like, oh my god, I met this awesome, handsome guy makes a million dollars a year, then I just dropped what I set up for my standard earlier.

Speaker 1 34:14

No, u physical attraction, I mean for me, it it doesn't last. It doesn't last.

Host Tea 34:20

Yeah, I think really if we're looking for a lifelong partner, what truly matters is their core value and who they truly are, right?

Speaker 1 34:28

Yeah, you want to see them of like who they are, not how they love.

Host Tea 34:34

Yes, but that they have the ability to love and to give, to stand by you. Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 34:41

Yeah.

Host Tea 34:42

Okay, we have some reflections about our access.

Speaker 1 34:48

Yeah, no, I'm I'm glad that I came today and then you know have this fun conversation. It's just like, you know, sisters talk.

Host Tea 34:54

I love it.

unknown 34:55

Yeah.

Closing Reflections And Listener CTA

Host Tea 34:56

Thank you, V. Thank you for having me. To everyone listening, thank you for being here and for holding space for our honest reflections. No, our relationships with engineers didn't ultimately work out. But that doesn't mean engineers aren't great partners. It just means compatibility is personal. Every individual is different. That said, compatibility isn't random. It's more predictable than we often think, and there's real science behind it. When you truly unpack what makes two people compatible, the conversation eventually leads all the way down to evolutionary mating psychology and behavioral patterns. I'll be diving deeper into those layers when the timing is right, and the conversations call for it. So, if you dated an engineer and didn't work out, I hope this episode gave you a little clarity, maybe even answer something that was left unresolved in your heart. And if you've had a completely different experience, we genuinely want to hear it. At the end of the day, what matters most isn't someone's profession, it's whether you know you're non-negotiables, whether they understand themselves, and whether they've grown into someone who can navigate life's difficult moments with you. Dating is hard, but we can stay hopeful for ourselves and for the partner who deserves the best of us. If this episode resonated, leave us a rating and review. It helps more people find the show and maybe find a little clarity in love. As always, keep showing up, stay kind, stay curious, and never settle for less than the love you truly deserve. I'm your host, Tea. See you next time.