Ask A Therapist
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Ask A Therapist
Staying Connected After Kids (Ep. 17)
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Kids change everything—your schedule, your energy, your relationship. In this episode, we talk honestly about what it takes to stay connected as partners after becoming parents, especially when the mental load, household tasks, and childcare responsibilities feel uneven.
Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or just tired of having the same arguments on repeat, this episode offers practical ways to communicate better, reconnect emotionally, and build a more balanced partnership.
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Find Kenzie at therapy-with-kenzie.com or @therapywithkenzie
Find Carli at Psychology Today Profile or @carlikinglmft
Hello and welcome. I'm Kenzie. And I'm Carly, and this is Ask a Therapist.
SPEAKER_00Each week we explore life's most relatable questions, from relationships and boundaries to burnout and self-worth, all through a therapist lens.
SPEAKER_01We're licensed therapists, but this isn't therapy. It's a place for insight, reflection, and a little humor along the way.
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SPEAKER_00Hi everybody, welcome back to Ask a Therapist. This is episode 17, and this week we are focusing on romantic connection after having kids. We want to share a quick reminder that while our questions are specific to listener submissions, the insight and responses we share are meant to be supportive and applicable to anyone who may be listening. So if this is something that you can resonate with or interested in learning more about, this episode is for you. We're excited to explore this with you all. So let's get started. Carly, you have our icebreaker question for this week.
SPEAKER_01Yes. This week it's just a a light, fun one. Um, and I would like to know, Kenzie, what is your most controversial food opinion?
SPEAKER_00Okay. Um controversial food. Okay. So um, oh my gosh. I'm like curious to see what you're gonna think about this. But in college, one of my roommates combined goldfish and MMs together and like would like eat them with just like handfuls of goldfish and MMs, and I wouldn't try it for the longest time because it was just kind of like that is gross, and it's so good. And now every time we're together, we always get goldfish and MMs, and I love it. So that is my controversial food choice.
SPEAKER_01Okay, uh that is I could kind of get that. I like like salty and sweet mix together. So I am a person like with my popcorn, I like to have like maybe a little bit of chocolate in there. You know what I mean? Like to kind of the salty sweet mix. So I've not tried the goldfish and Eminem, but I could kind of see it. I could see it. Okay, okay. If you try it, you gotta let me know what you think. Okay, okay, fair enough. Um I kind of had a hard time with this because I'm like, I don't know what's controversial. Like I I like it. I think that, you know, most of the things that I eat are good, but I know not everyone likes pineapple on pizza. Um now, if I'm honest, I don't order it often. I probably ordered it more like when I was younger, but I do like pineapple on pizza.
SPEAKER_00Is that one that you I mean that's definitely controversial, but I love it. Like I love pineapple on pizza. And it's probably a little bit of that like sweet and savory, sweet and salty mix again. But like there's something about the the sweetness of it that I just love. But people get so angry about it. I I like can never order it because everybody's always like, no, let me rhyme.
SPEAKER_01And maybe that's why I don't have it because my family is like absolutely not, do not put pineapple on our pizza. So I haven't had it in a while, but I agree. I think it's a nice combination.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so we're gonna get together and we're gonna order our pineapple and pizza and try some goldfish and MMs.
SPEAKER_01I'll give it a shot. I'll give it a shot.
SPEAKER_00Um, okay, but I am curious what other people's like controversial, controversial food opinions are because I feel like some people do some kind of crazy stuff. So if anybody else has any interesting ones that they enjoy, let us know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, share all of your uh weird food likes and things. And for the MMs, can I just say um this holiday season, we went, my family and I went to New York for the holiday and we went to the um MM store, and my daughter had some custom MMs made and she put my face on them. So maybe we can have some custom Harley MMs with the goldfish. That'll make it even better. That's gonna be the best combo.
SPEAKER_00That'll be amazing. I'll see a goldfish. I'll reach out to the goldfish, see if they can put my face on uh we'll get it after this. It's hilarious. Fair enough. Sounds good. I'm in. Yes, me too, me too. Um, okay, well, let me jump in. We've got our question for this week. Um, so this question comes from a listener, and they said, hi, Kinzie and Carly. I was wondering if you could cover how to stay connected romantically after having children or how to ask how to ask your husband or partner for help with household chores so that you don't burn out. We've been together for four and a half years. We have a two-year-old together and he has a nine-year-old from a previous relationship. I think the challenge for us is finding the time to connect and also finding a babysitter so that we can go on dates. My partner is pretty open to any suggestions I have or when I ask for help. I just wish I didn't have to ask and that he would take ownership. For example, if I ask him to change diapers, he will, but dude, just change your diaper. Nobody has to ask me to change her. I just do it. We have recently started couples counseling. We're getting married in May, and she has really helped us with conflict resolution. I'm trying to do it all, but it leads to exhaustion, being touched out, and not wanting to be bothered by the end of the day.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Hard relate on this one. Um, I think there are a lot of people that can relate to this just because uh trying to like date and um have romantic time after kids, it just it just changes the opportunities. It changes what you even find that like feels like connection. Um because you know, going out to dinner and all those things, those are great things. But once you have children um and like are living together, you're sharing a space and managing household responsibilities and bills and all those things, oftentimes like the business of the relationship impacts how connected you feel emotionally. And so if you're not feeling like you're really getting the help and the support that you're needing from your partner, yeah, it may be hard to even if they want to, you know, do something that might be considered romantic, it's kind of hard to tap into that. Um I don't know. What are your initial thoughts?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I love that. I think, you know, it's so interesting. I think sometimes you can get like a a sense of listeners or people just even from their questions. And um I think that the sense that I got from this listener was like one that they're so positive and proactive, and like that idea of trying to do it all, I feel like almost came through in this question of they care so much and they're trying to figure out how to like manage this or tackle this too. 100%.
SPEAKER_01I mean, kudos for going to therapy. The fact that you were both willing to seek out support. Um, I think that that is a huge win. And the fact that you're addressing it like relatively early on, I think it it allows you to work through some things before resentment builds, before frustration, like really everything becomes like really fraught with that um disappointment and frustration. And I noticed um that the lens listener did say, My partner is really open to any suggestions that I have. It's just more so the having to ask that is becoming, you know, a bit of a challenge. And I think so. I guess what I'm getting at is it sounds like you have a lot of positive to work with. You're in therapy, you're working through how you resolve conflict, you have a partner who's willing, you want to be connected, you're just recognizing that this is an area where things aren't quite running smoothly. And so I hope that just brings like some sense of like a sigh of relief that, okay, we have some positive things to work with. This is just an area that we have to work to improve on.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's such a good way of putting it because I think that's that's the sense that I was getting to is kind of like there is so much that they are doing already. And so this episode is is maybe potentially a little bit less about exploring the the feelings and kind of validating those in more in at least in my mind or the direction that I went with it of like, okay, can we shift a little bit to how you're seeing things so that you can work, it can work better for you guys and you can navigate things a little bit differently or look at things a little bit differently so that it works for the relationship and the the period that you're in right now as a couple. Um of those things was I was thinking about is like redefining what connection looks like during this uh time in life. So there is obviously like you know, they mentioned going on dates and it's hard and babysitters and all this kind of stuff. And I think that dates are so fun and wonderful, and they're probably few and far between right now. And it's probably probably is hard and takes a lot of energy to get to that. And so can you redefine, can you look at connection a little bit differently right now, so that instead of being like, we haven't been on a date in so long, you instead prioritize like we spend 10 minutes every night before we go to bed, not on our phones, like checking in with each other, asking how the other person's day was. I know that they mentioned feeling like touched out, so that's something that I wrote down that we can get to. You know, that doesn't necessarily have to mean like cuddling on the couch or anything like that, but it can just be like moments of intentional connection. And if you look at that and kind of say, like, okay, we are, we're prioritizing this, focus on that, that feels really good. And then, you know, hopefully those date nights become a little bit like cherry on top, like wonderful if we can get that, but if we can't, and it and there's a lot of barriers in our way to getting that, what are those little moments of connection where we feel like we're being prioritized, our relationships being prioritized, and we feel love, supported, cared for, and connected to the other person that we can do on a daily or weekly basis?
SPEAKER_01I I love that I was thinking something similar in that, you know, we might have to remix what connection looks like at the end, and it is a temporary stage, right? Like it won't feel this way forever. But having a toddler and a nine-year-old, like there, there's a little bit of a gap there, right? So, you know, trying to find time to be away from both of the children and just have the two of you, like, yeah, you might have to get it in smaller pieces. It might have to be after the kids go to bed, it might have to be before they wake up if you can get up early and you know, enjoy a cup of coffee together or something along those lines. Um, just finding ways to feel understood, I think is important. So sometimes conversation, like uninterrupted, I love that you said putting the phones, phones down. Uninterrupted conversation may actually go a lot uh further for you than even more of the romantic, you know, candles and all of that. Being able to talk and feel heard and understood, may be a form of connection. And even having time and space to meet your individual needs may actually feel like connection. So, what I mean by that, because now I'm kind of combining a little bit of the, you know, feeling of, well, I I handle most of the responsibilities and only when I ask are things taken off my plate. And so it could be that actually getting like a Saturday afternoon where you get to step away and go grab a massage or go have um brunch with a friend while your partner takes care of the kids and handles like lunch and and nap time and everything, you may come back feeling even more connected because of like the space that you were given. So that idea of being touched out, like that's a very real thing. Um, and so just to kind of pull it all in, I think rethinking what actually makes you feel connected might be a good starting point. And that requires input from the both of you, right? Like what makes your partner feel connected may be different than what makes you feel connected. And so learning how to adapt uh how you approach that during this stage, I think is what's gonna help you, you know, kind of get to the next stage.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah, I like that a lot. I like the idea of having that conversation together. It could be different for both of you. So talking to each other about what that does mean for each of you individually. Um, I love that point. And I actually I got this from a client actually who has a family member that is in the therapy field and said something along the lines of it's not always so much a division of labor, but a division of rest for new parents. Like it's not so much of like, okay, we're equal in how we're doing the chores around the house, but are we both getting enough time to feel like we have some space to rest, some time for ourselves? You know, that connection piece with each other is obviously important. But I thought that that was such a a good way of thinking about it of like, are you both getting equal amount of time to yourself to rest and to recharge a little bit?
SPEAKER_01I I've not heard it framed that way, but I like that. And I'm guessing according to this letter, the answer is no, or at least it feels like the answer is no. Sure. Sure. And so, you know, my thoughts on this are are kind of influenced by um there's a both a book and a documentary called Fair Play, and it talks about this division of labor or division of rest between genders and how women in the household, particularly in households where you have two working parents, how, you know, oftentimes more of the household labor still falls on the part of the woman or more of the caretaking with the children still falls on the woman, in addition to, you know, sometimes working outside the home or working part-time or um, you know, things like that. And one of the things that it highlights is like the invisible or mental labor that goes along with some of these tasks. And so I think that's a little bit of what the listener is touching on. Like she's describing, yeah, he'll do it if I ask, but like it, it's on my brain. Like I have to be the one to initiate that this is gonna happen, or else like it just doesn't happen. And, you know, I can understand that. Like, dude, you smell the you smell the diaper, don't you? Like, you know, why that why does it take me initiating or saying it? Or um uh I know something that's come up in my household is like my husband offering to do the grocery shopping. That's great. I love that. Please do. But oftentimes, like I still need to know what the meal is, I still need to list the ingredients, I need to send the list, I need to like say what brand of things and or send pictures or things like that. And so by the time I've done all of that, it doesn't quite feel like the lift and the help that he's trying to give. Like he's trying to be helpful. But if I still have to do all the pre-work and the planning and the thinking and, you know, then it it doesn't quite feel like that much of a weight lifted. And so I think one way to go about that is when you're when you're dividing up, you know, tasks and responsibilities, looking a little more at the role versus just the task. Um so you can say things like, like, can you own this particular task? Like not just um when I ask you to change the diapers, but kind of like, you know, whether that's evenings or mornings, can you just like be in charge of diapers or on the week on Saturdays, can you just kind of like handle lunch? You know, like just whatever you need, you make sure we have it in the kitchen, you make you plan for it and you prepare it, you clean it up, and like can you own that task as opposed to like one-offs? Can you do this one thing for me? Hey, can you grab that? Hey, can you like helping um your partner to who probably wants to be supportive, but like asking him to more so own some of those tasks, that takes some of that mental invisible load off of you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I love that. I that idea of not like it's not that he's helping you with tasks, it's it's that you both own your own certain tasks that you do. And so um, kind of to your point of what you're talking about, like diapers being one of them, like that's and well, I guess I'm thinking about like, you know, in certain situations, it's not like if your partner's not around and you can't be like, okay, well, I'm not doing this because it's your task. But in other areas of kind of like, let's say like trash, if one person owns the tasks of trash, it's like you take out the trash, you put the trash bag back in, you know when the trash bags are like getting empty. And so you put that on the grocery list or you go buy those. Um, and I think that there are there are certain tasks that can be like divided where you own that certain task. And there are other ones where you have to be kind of honest about like we both may need to be collaborators on this, like groceries. We both might need to be able to like sit down and come up with a grocery list or date nights. Like we want to take turns, we both want to be involved in planning date nights, contacting the babysitter, figuring out where we're going, how long we're going for. Um, but to have that conversation around like not the mental ode just being on one person or one um partner. And so I love that. I think that that is uh really applicable for a lot of people. And again, to this listener in particular, it sounds like their husband is really open to having these conversations. And so having this conversation with your husband or with your partner about, okay, let's sit down, let's divide, let's let's think about all the things that are on my mind. Let's think about all the things that I do think about on a daily, weekly basis. And where can we divide this a little bit? So, like I know what I'm owning, you know what you're owning, and we know what we want to collaborate on together, but it feels less like, okay, my resentment is building or my burnout is building with this. And it feels more like I can handle collaborating on this or asking for help on this because I know that it's not all on me. There's some other areas that I feel like that load is being taken off.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and part of the reason that's so important is because for men and women, our brains like are a little bit different. And so it is not to overgeneralize, but for the for a lot of women, a lot of closeness, connection, intimacy is mental. It's mental. And so if our minds are bogged down with so many tasks and we're feeling overwhelmed and stressed and burnt out, we don't have quite as much space for that connection and that, you know, like we kind of need to offload. I've heard people use the um analogy of having like tabs open in your brain, like you would have on a computer. It's like we have to close those tabs often in order to even have the space to think about, you know, being romantically connected and um to address some of those needs of our partner that are valid and deserve attention. But it's hard for us to sometimes get there when we have so many like mental things going on. And I love that you use the example of like, okay, great, date night, but like who's making the reservation? Who's actually contacting the babysitter? Who's setting the time? Who's making sure that things are set up for when the babysitter comes so that they don't have to, you know, prepare the meal, but the food is already ready, or sometimes the kids are already asleep, you know, when it's time to go. So who's like doing all of the prep work? And so for this listener's partner, um, to really like take that team approach of by helping your partner close her tabs, you are creating more space for yourself and you know, and for her to actually um connect with you in a way that maybe feels more present, more engaged, and more meaningful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um I I like the idea of kind of like whoever is listening to this, it if you're the one who, if you feel like you have all the tabs open, taking some time to almost just even like write down and list like what are all the things that are on my mind and what goes under them. Because yes, it's drop off, but what goes along with drop off? All the like 10 additional steps that go along with drop off, or it is grocery shopping, but the 10 additional steps that go along with grocery shopping, like listing those out and then having a conversation with your partner around here's what I'm talking about when I ask for help. With X, Y, and Z. This is what I'm really kind of looking for and asking for. And that way, yeah, it's there is, you know, in some scenarios, just like a different way of thinking about things. And so that can feel frustrating, that can feel overwhelming, but also use this as information and work with it, right? If your partner is willing to um like say that they do want to help, then then maybe some direct communication is helpful in that. I also just wanted to note when you're talking about for women in particular, and again, not to generalize, but for that connection of being mental, I wanted to touch on their feeling touched out by the end of the day. And I feel like this comes up so much with moms. Like there's so many times that uh moms will say, like, I just feel so touched out. And that is a nervous system response. That is your nervous system feeling so overloaded. And so recognizing that as it's not a relationship issue. It's not because you, you know, you might feel some resentment, but it's not because there's something like wrong with you or your partner or your kids. It's just you are feeling so overwhelmed. So noticing that, taking care of yourself, giving yourself some space to reset your nervous system and how that works for you. Um, but also communicating that to your partner and being able to say, like, by the end of the day, like my body is done. I am touched out, but I still want that emotional closeness. And so I, you know, that might look like having those conversations, feeling like somebody's listening, like attentive, um, not distracted, and kind of setting those expectations for each other. And if that is the case and you know, your partner is trying to like have some physical intimacy and that's important to them, like kind of planning around that too. If by the end of the day you are exhausted and overwhelmed, then setting expectations of kind of being physically intimate is probably not going to happen at the end of the day. Let's stop trying to make things harder for both of us and create an understanding with each other and and a functioning so that we can succeed and so that things can feel a little bit easier and not just like we're butting up against difficulty all the time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I think that is a very common one for moms. I don't know why kids bypass dad to go find mom. Sometimes kids don't respect boundaries, they will bust in on you in the bathroom. I always bring up breastfeeding because like that is a whole thing, like where your body lit you literally feel like it doesn't belong to you. And so, especially if you've gone through a period like that, it's just like everyone is kind of like pulling on you and tugging on you, sometimes quite literally. And sometimes you just need a little bit of space, a little bit of distance, but that doesn't negate the fact that your partner may need some closeness and some touch, and you know, and so just finding ways to have grace for one another, um, to not get frustrated that your partner wants to be close physically. But if you can have some empathy for the the sacrifices that he may be making when you're touched out, and he can also have some empathy for just the fact that, you know, your kid may have been clinging to you all day long where you're just like, I just, I just don't want it right now. Um, but I like your suggestion of like, okay, let's kind of plan around that. If evenings are not a great time, how can we create a little bit of time in the morning? How can we find like, you know, midday nap time on the weekends where, you know, maybe there is more space for um that connection.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, like just noticing some of the barriers, some of things that are making things harder and talking about that, having that connection. Cause again, I think that oftentimes so much of it lives in your head. Like there's just so much going on at once that it's hard to like slow down and communicate what actually you've been feeling or what actually you're experiencing from both parties. And so being able to like, and that's such a form of connection too, is feeling heard and understood, feeling like you can tell the person what you've been experiencing, have them hear it, have them understand it, and working together to come up with a solution that works in service of your relationship. That feels like you're you're on the same team. It feels like, okay, we're in this together and we're gonna figure it out and navigate it together. Like that's such a form of emotional closeness.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. I've seen um some dads that will like step in and they're kind of like, you know, leave my wife alone for a minute. Come on, I'm gonna get you this. You know, like leave mom alone. She needs a little bit of time. And so even, you know, witnessing her partner step in and do that sometimes might even help with like, yeah, thank goodness. Like, you know, just kind of like give mom a break. She's fine, you know, she the the child is gonna be okay. Um, also just from a practical standpoint, and I recognize like different levels of privilege when it comes to this, sure, but outsourcing what you can goes a very, very long way. You would not believe the number of um arguments that have been avoided simply by outsourcing when possible. Um, things like getting support with house cleaning. Um whether that's something you're able to do on a consistent basis, whether it's like a once a month or once every few months, like just offloading the things that don't necessarily have to be owned by you and your partner can actually be a very healthy way of managing those responsibilities. Um, I know sometimes that gets into the like, well, you should have time to do this, or maybe you were able to manage a decent amount of it before kids, but then you find with kids it's a totally different ball game. Um, so don't be afraid to sit down and have conversations because I can only imagine in what you're describing, like doing that list. Um, I've had clients do that before. They like list everything out and it's on a spreadsheet and it looks overwhelming. And sometimes, you know, the partner is like, there's no world within which I'm gonna do all of these things. But if you recognize neither one of you really have the space or capacity for it, look into ways of outsourcing it. Sometimes that comes at a sacrifice in other areas, right? So you know, maybe that means you sacrifice, I don't know, eating out one day a week to be able to get more support in another area, or, you know, you really love to for your family to have a home cooked meal, but you um just commit to we're gonna eat out X amount of days just because I can't own the cooking and you know, my partner can't either. So don't be afraid to sit down and collaborate about areas where you can just outsource it, offload it. It's not weighing on either one of you. Sure, sure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I think that that's a good point about it maybe looking or feeling a little bit overwhelming too. And I can imagine that like if if it's important for one partner and not important for another, they would kind of be like, well, why am I, why would I do this if this isn't something that I feel like we need to do or we have to do? And so having that be part of the conversation too, in like making sure that you're still hearing each other, you're still supporting each other, and understanding that just because something isn't important to you, getting curious about why it might be important to your partner and trying to find ways to work together. And that might look like outsourcing or that might look like doing something that you don't necessarily like want to do in service of the relationship and not feeling that like resentment from your partner.
SPEAKER_01100%. Just one other kind of practical thing, because we didn't really touch on the challenge with babysitting. And I I mean, I can hard relate to this. I lived in a city where I didn't have family for like the first like three or four years of being a parent. And it is hard. It's hard to find people that you trust, especially when your children are young or if they're not yet at a stage where they can speak to you and things like that. It is very, very challenging. So I empathize with that and I do have just a few recommendations. I think I was so grateful to have good friends at that time who were very patient with us. Like they would allow us to bring the baby, even if she was the only one there. We were like the first ones to have kids. So sometimes she was the only kiddo around, um, or friends who would offer me a break, you know, like would help out and just kind of say, like, you know, we'll we'll keep her, like, no big deal. Um, but also having friends who are parents themselves, sometimes you can do like a little exchange. If you have another couple or even another two couples where you all can plan a monthly date night, one couple keeps the kids. Um, the other two couples get an opportunity to go out and then you like swap, like that can be a really great way. So don't be afraid to think of like kind of non-conventional ways to like lean on community and build community because you need that when you're parenting. It is a full-time 24-7, seven days a week job, and you need breaks. And so, like finding trusted people that you can help to share that load is great. Also, sometimes schools and daycare centers and places like that, sometimes the staff there is open to doing like after hours, um, you know, watching kids, at least you know that they have the experience, they have their clearances. So utilizing things like that just to help give yourself a few more options.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. I think that's a great idea. Um, I love that idea of like swapping with friends and um leaning on on your friends for that. And yeah, just being okay. Like I think that this listener in particular said, and I'm sure a lot of people can feel this, like trying to do it all was something that stuck out to me. And so that idea of let that go. Like, let go of the idea of trying to do it all. And in this sense, too, like ask for help, ask your friends and just kind of say, like, hey, can can I ask for a favor? Um, so there might be a little bit for this listener or for other listeners of kind of like it's hard to ask for help, especially when you're used to trying to do it all, but there can be creative ways of just getting support and you need it as a parent and in this stage of life. Sure. For sure. Kinzie, anything that we didn't touch on today that you wanted to? No, I think that um we touched on all of it, and I I do feel so much like hope for this couple too. It sounds like they have so many things working in their favor, and I I can imagine that these conversations could be really productive for them. So I hope that for them.
SPEAKER_01Same. I really hope you found something here helpful um and just uh a a reminder that you're not alone in this. Um, and it it won't feel this way forever. Um, if you'd like to hear our thoughts on a topic that matters to you, email your question to info at ask a therapistpod.com. We'd also like to hear your thoughts on today's topic. What resonated, what didn't, what did we miss? If you have advice for our listener, please share it. You may just hear your feedback on a future episode. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at ask a therapist underscore pod. Emails and DMs are always welcome. Also, if you'd like to connect with me or Kenzie and learn more about the services we offer in our private practices, check the show notes for ways to reach us directly. With that, we're signing off. Thanks for listening, and remember, don't wing it, just ask the therapist.
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