Ask A Therapist
A place for insight, reflection, and a little humor along the way.
Ask A Therapist
How to Apologize (Ep. 19)
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
In this episode, we help a listener learn the dos and don'ts of apologizing. We unpack why so many apologies fall flat—and what it really takes to repair trust after an offense. Whether it’s in your relationships, at work, or in everyday conflicts, knowing how to offer a proper apology is one of the most powerful communication skills you can develop.
We explore the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways people get it wrong—think “I’m sorry you feel that way,” over-explaining, defensiveness, or rushing to be forgiven. Then we break down the key components of a meaningful apology that actually rebuilds connection.
Have a question? Email us at info@askatherapistpod.com, use the link below, or DM us on IG or TikTok at @askatherapist_pod
Find Kenzie at therapy-with-kenzie.com or @therapywithkenzie
Find Carli at Psychology Today Profile or @carlikinglmft
Hello and welcome. I'm Kenzie. And I'm Carly. And this is Ask a Therapist.
SPEAKER_01Each week we explore life's most relatable questions, from relationships and boundaries to burnout and self-worth, all through a therapist lens.
SPEAKER_00We're licensed therapists, but this isn't therapy. It's a place for insight, reflection, and a little humor along the way. Your questions, our insights, ask a therapist.
SPEAKER_01This podcast is intended for entertainment and educational purposes only. The content shared should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. We strongly encourage listeners to seek help from a licensed mental health professional for any personal or psychological concerns.
SPEAKER_00Any advice or commentary offered is based solely on the information provided. As such, we cannot guarantee any specific outcomes, and the feedback given should not be interpreted as professional mental health advice. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 911-988 or 211.
SPEAKER_01Okay, hi everybody. Welcome back to Ask a Therapist. This is episode 19, and this week we are focusing on how to give a good apology. We want to share a quick reminder that while our questions are specific to listener submissions, the insight and responses we share are meant to be supportive and applicable to anyone who may be listening. So if you struggle with saying I'm sorry or want to be able to repair relationships with others, this episode is for you. We're excited to explore this with you all. So let's get started. Um, Carly, I've got our icebreaker for this week. So um our icebreaker question this week is if animals could talk, which would be the rudest?
SPEAKER_00The rudest. First of all, let me say, while I love animals, I am not like an animal person, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? Like I'm pretty much dogs, and like that's it in terms of in my household. I've had other animals, but they're not my thing. The rudest, I'm gonna have to go with cats. I think cats are pretty darn rude. Like they, at least in my experience, don't really seem to care much about whatever you have going on. And like my grandparents hate cats, and you know, they will they would hiss at each other and things like that. And, you know, cats, I see all the videos of them like slapping people in the face, slapping babies. Like, I think cats are pretty ruthless. So sorry to all the cat lovers, but I'm gonna go with cats.
SPEAKER_01I know, I know. It is so hard. Like you're saying, there are people that are very passionate about their animals. So it is kind of, it's like, don't want to upset anyone because I know, I know that people, but I also think that people can probably understand where that cat narrative comes from. I don't know if you've seen the joke, but it's like dogs are like, oh my gosh, you feed me, you walk me, you take care of me, like you must be God. And for cats, it's like, oh, you feed me, you give me water, like you take care of me, I must be God. You're my servant. Yes, literally that. Yes. That one's ice he laughs so hard. Um, I'm honestly I'm trying to think of another one besides cat. That was kind of my initial go-to too. But I'm thinking of, I don't see, uh, okay. The second one that came into my head was maybe like horses, but like maybe specifically like show horses, because I think that horses are such like kind, gentle, loving animals. But like show horses maybe could be a little uppity, a little rude, like a certain type of horse.
SPEAKER_00I don't think it went for like the snobby animals is the almost like the way that we went. Because I think of horses as being like very regal and you know, like but I can see it. I can see it.
SPEAKER_01Maybe like alligator, maybe I'll go alligator, like like rude, like mean. Yeah, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Hippos, hippos apparently are very, very mean as well. I don't get close enough to them to know for myself, but yeah, no, well, I would hope not.
SPEAKER_01That one.
SPEAKER_00I actually have a picture of my husband and I um in South Africa, like standing in front of water where there are hippos, and the whole time we're like, okay, get the picture, get the picture. Like trying to look normal. But yeah, those That's kind of cool though. What other animals did you see? We saw the big five, which was great. Yeah, that once in a lifetime experience. I mean, that was like amazing. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh that's my new that's my my like bucket list trip is to go like on a surprise, like to see, to see the big five. That would be so I just feel like seeing that in real life is probably just so magical and not to like interfere with their uh habitat or anything, but I just I I just think it's incredible.
SPEAKER_00Humbling, Kenzie, because you realize like how small you are and how easily they could just take you out, you know? It's just like you're very much in their world and you have to respect it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right. Yeah, you have to have so much respect for like the nature around you. Absolutely. For sure.
SPEAKER_00For sure. Okay, so we have a good question today. I am so glad that someone asked this question because I think it's something that a lot of people can relate to, and it is essentially about not knowing how to properly apologize. So we're gonna dig right in. I have a question about how to give a proper apology. I've been told I'm not great at it, and I don't think I was ever really taught how to do it right. Growing up, we just said I'm sorry and moved on. But that doesn't seem like enough anymore. I read somewhere that you shouldn't say, I'm sorry if, and for example, your feelings were hurt, because that's not taking accountability. But how do you take accountability for something you didn't mean to do? When I try, I'm told I come off defensive. It seems like there are unwritten rules I never learned. So my question is, what are the do's and don'ts of apologizing? Okay.
SPEAKER_01What a cool question. You know, I know we've talked about this in other questions as well, but there's so much self-awareness here. I think one of the biggest things that jumped out to me first is the idea of, or what they mentioned about like growing up, we just said I'm sorry and moved on. And how much of our communication patterns and understanding of how to communicate comes from the examples that we were given growing up. Um, and so to be able to kind of take a little bit of a step back and try to see it from a different lens or a different perspective of like maybe the way that I was taught or the way that I have been communicating isn't serving me in the best way anymore, or maybe I want to do something a little bit differently so that people in my life feel a little bit more heard and understood. So, yeah, I think it's a really cool question. Um, I think it's a really cool and interesting topic to cover. So I'm I'm excited to kind of get into it. But Carly, what did you think?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely agreed. I like that this person is what like what first stood out to me is that they're actually taking feedback. Uh-huh. So while it is a cool question to kind of say, like, I don't know that I ever learned how to do this differently, the fact that they are hearing, I'm assuming maybe friends or loved ones tell them, you know, this sounds defensive or you're not so great at it, and they're actually willing to say, okay, like let me take accountability for learning how to do this differently. I think that's an excellent trait that all of us could probably adopt a little bit more. So I love the receptiveness to feedback there and also hard relate on, I think most of us probably weren't taught how to give a proper apology. And it to me is so evident whenever we have like celebrities, politicians, and something happens, there's a scandal, and they put out their apology, and then everybody like rips the the apology apart. Yeah. Because of some of the things that we're gonna talk about today, I think there are definitely some do's and don'ts that have been established over time, but they haven't really been put out there unless you are seeking that information and willing to take the feedback. So those were my initial thoughts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think those are such good points. What was kind of what jumped out at you first? What was kind of uh your thoughts on on how to address this question?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, my first is probably the uh a very, very common conversation in therapy, which is intention versus impact. Meaning when we do any sort of behavior or take any action or say things to other people, we are doing it from our space of intention, right? I know what I'm meant to say, I know what I mean by the words that I'm using, I know how I may be wanting that to land with another person, but it doesn't mean that it's going to land the way that you intend. And so just being able to make a little bit of separation from it's possible that what I intended versus the impact that it had on the other person is different. And that's not necessarily like a failure on my part per se. But once I learn that the other person was impacted negatively, can I then respond to that impact instead of only defending my intention? And so when they talk about like coming off defensively, I think that's probably a little bit of what's happening is they're trying to explain, no, no, no, I didn't mean it that way. Or, or maybe in some cases, you took it the wrong way, um, which really no one wants to hear when their fear their feelings are hurt or you know they're bothered by something that was done. So I think being able to separate intention from impact is a big part of this. And learning to respond to the impact of your actions before you explain or defend your intention is a very, very important piece. If I step on your shoe, the first thing that I need to do is apologize for stepping on your shoe. Oh, I'm so sorry. My bad. Are you okay? Right. Before I say, Well, they pushed me. Well, I didn't mean to. Well, I was only nobody wants to hear that when they're dealing with the impact of how they were affected. So that's like the kind of step one that stood out to me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I'm thinking about and I'm curious um what comes up for this listener when um, like in the shoe example just made me laugh so hard because it's it's so true. But I'm thinking about like, if your automatic response is somebody's gonna yell at me, somebody's gonna be mad at me, and you step on somebody's shoe, and so your automatic response is like, it wasn't me that I didn't, you know, I didn't do that because there might be like that automatic fear response there. It's kind of hard in that moment. Like your body goes into that automatic, like, I need to defend myself mode. And it's hard to know that it's okay to have like done something wrong and to have said something. I something that I was thinking about, and we don't know this from this listener from this question, but for some people, like in some families and some cultures, just for some individuals saying I'm sorry can like mean losing the ground, like losing your grounding. It can mean losing an argument. It can mean losing some sense of control. And so it's a surrender of something much greater. But you're human, you're going to be wrong. You're gonna do something wrong, you're gonna say something wrong. It's not a personal failure. And it is okay to say, like, I'm sorry that I said that, I'm sorry that I did that. That was not my intention. To your point, Carly, you apologize first and then you can kind of follow it up with, you know, that wasn't my intent. But the automatic response is something that I would be curious about with this listener of like, what comes up when somebody says, you did this wrong or you made me feel this way? What is that initial knee-jerk reaction of like, oh, I gotta defend myself. Where does that come from? Why does it come up? And how can you slow that down and say, like, maybe I did mess up and that's okay. I can own that, I can apologize, and I can create more of a connection and more repair here than just try to defend myself because I feel scared or I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble or or whatever those immediate reactions or responses might be.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think that's definitely a fair point and and something that, you know, we in therapy that we talk about is like where is that reaction coming from? Because it's probably, like you mentioned, a learned behavior based on past experiences. And so if your experience was having really harsh consequences for messing up, then your attempt to avoid that situation may be what's actually driving the way you're approaching the apology. And it's possible that that's not even the case here. Like it could really just be a misunderstanding, or it could be with someone who can't really get you in trouble per se, but it still feels like, you know, your mom or your dad is kind of yelling at you or like you're getting in trouble at school and things like that. So taking the time to unpack where those reactions come from, I think is very important. I'm also thinking about the example that they gave of like, I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt and things like that. And that's like such a common one because it is an attempt to acknowledge the impact. But there's something about that, like if your feelings were hurt that brings into question almost like the legitimacy of the claim or the validity that you actually were hurt and still like shifts a little bit of the blame, like that might be a you problem that you were hurt. If the person is telling you they were hurt, then they probably were. So you could just say, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, or I'm sorry, you know, but there's something about that little well, I'm sorry if that bothered you that we may not even realize it's like we're trying to acknowledge the hurt, but it really sounds like we're questioning if that's fair or legitimate for the person to feel that way.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I thought the same thing. There's such a um small language shift in just saying, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings versus I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt, but it is such a big impact of that shift of language. And you you could feel like you didn't do anything wrong, right? You could feel like, I I don't understand why I'm apologizing. I don't understand why they felt that way. You don't necessarily have to understand why they felt that way. They felt that way. And if they're coming to you about it and they're saying, this is how it made me feel, it is in an attempt to repair. It is an attempt to acknowledge, get their feelings heard so that that relationship can, you know, grow and have more of an understanding. And so you don't really need to understand, you don't really need to say, like, well, I'm only going to apologize for how somebody might feel if it makes sense to me. It might not make sense to you, but it is what they are feeling, it's what they're experiencing. And it's okay to just kind of say, No, I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way. Here was, here's what I meant by it. This was my intent of it. I I can see how that might have come across. I promise that was not my intention. And I am sorry. And I'll try to do better. Like I will try to notice that in the future and make that shift. So just kind of using those communication or those language shifts a little bit is important.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I'm glad you brought up the right or wrongness of it because that's another thing that I think it's challenging with giving apologies. Is it and it touches a little bit on what you already said about the power dynamic, but sometimes people feel like apologizing means that they are admitting that they were wrong. Or I think the listener even said, like, how do you take accountability for something you didn't intend to do? An apology is not necessarily an admission of wrong or guilt, right? Like it is possible that you didn't do anything wrong per se, but it still hurt the other person's feelings or it still bothered the other person, or they were still offended by the language that you used. And so I think uh like being again being able to separate the two and like you're not losing anything by apologizing if the goal is to maintain the relationship, if the goal is to remain in connection and closeness with another person, you don't have to agree with the way they interpreted your comment or uh the way that they took it. It doesn't mean that you're saying they're right. What you're saying is I care enough about how it made you feel to address that, right? And when we're in relationship with people, that's a huge part of being in relationship. If you can only be in relationship with people where you agree all the time, then you're gonna be hard pressed to find like relationships that can be longstanding and sustainable over time. But inevitably you're gonna disagree on things. And when the relationship is worth salvaging, sometimes you choose to prioritize the way that person was impacted, even if you don't think that what you said was wrong, or you, you know, even if you know that you didn't intend to hurt them. So I think that's um an important thing. It doesn't mean you're wrong per se. It just means you acknowledge that it impacted them and you care about how they feel about that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. I think that it's such a good point to bring up that you will not find a relationship in which you don't have to acknowledge certain things, take accountability, say I'm sorry. That's gonna happen in any relationship that you kind of get into because you are human, because you're gonna make mistakes, because you're gonna say things wrong, and people have feelings and they, you know, they can get hurt. Yes, it it is not something wrong with you. It is because you are human. And so accepting that and learning how to be more comfortable with addressing that, apologizing is huge. And I think that this is a little bit of an add-on because I I like what you said, Carly, about how like you don't necessarily have to agree with what they're saying. But kind of that like next step, you know, if you get to that point of you're like, okay, I think I've gotten pretty good at saying, like, I'm sorry I made you feel this way, is even then being able to put yourself in another person's shoes. I think one of the like most calming things in any type of like argument or communication where you're talking about your feelings is when somebody says, at least to me, this is how I feel, when somebody says to me, like, I understand why you would have felt that way. I'm so sorry. I I see why it came across that way. Of course, that wasn't my intention, but I see where you're coming from. Like that feels so nice and so validating to hear. And then it's kind of like, okay, thank you. Like, thanks for thank you for the apology. Thank you for understanding. And hopefully then you can kind of like move forward. But that's the other thing about apologizing, is like it it creates an instant relief for both people. Like when you apologize to somebody, you're like, I'm so sorry, that's not what I meant. There's a little bit of an exhale of kind of like, okay, like I, you know, I was maybe gearing up for a little bit of a conversation or an argument here. But it feels really nice to have somebody say, like, I hear you, I see you, I understand where you're coming from, and I'm sorry. And it's kind of like, okay, I feel a little bit better.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it just kind of lets the air out of it and you can see the tension like deflate a little bit. Um, and I I mean, the part that you're bringing up is what it's like from the other side. I mean, if you think about it, it takes a certain amount of vulnerability to share with someone that they hurt you or they disappointed you or you were bothered by something that they did. And they don't want to be met with you're crazy for thinking that way, or you know, that you don't want to put them in a position of having to defend, you know, the why they received it that way. And so you let a little bit of the air out of it by saying, like, I could understand your perspective there. That may not be what you wanted their perspective to be. Of course, you want to be given the benefit of the doubt. You want them to assume positive regard. But if they're coming to you and saying, this was hurtful to me, that means that something didn't land well. Something, maybe even despite their positive regard, still impacted them. And that takes a certain amount of vulnerability that if you can meet that with empathy, you're much more likely to have your apology be received and accepted.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Yeah, absolutely. And I think a part of this way of approaching apologies, like giving apologies, accepting apologies, that is intentional and important too, is that, you know, this listener said, like, in my family, we just kind of said, I'm sorry, I moved on. But something about this approaching apologies in this way, it is a little bit more intentional. It is a little bit more, you're more attuned to the person. Nobody really wants to hear, like, I'm sorry, and then the same thing just keeps happening. And it's like, all right, I'm just gonna say I'm sorry to like kind of get you to not bring this up. Like, there is an intentionality piece of this of when somebody's coming to you and they're saying something and you're like, okay, I acknowledge this. I'm sorry, this is something I'm gonna think about. There is a desire for potentially a a behavior change. So if somebody's coming to you and they're like, you know what, I really hate it that every time I come home, you are playing your video games and you're like, not right now, like whatever. And it, and you know, you have the whole conversation and you say, I'm sorry, that's not how I I didn't intend to make you feel like I didn't care about you. Now I'm going to make sure that I I give you some some time that we have to just connect the two of us. I create a little bit of that behavior change too, because that that's also a part of the apology is acknowledging and trying to do something different.
SPEAKER_00For sure, for sure. I mean, some people say the best apology is changed behavior. And um, I do understand that. Acknowledgement is great. Acknowledgement is an important part of the process. But to your point, if you're not willing to do anything differently, then there's a good chance this is going to keep coming up. Um, and I think that's one of the great things about the perspective that the listener is coming from is that they're like, okay, let me actually see how I can do this differently, because otherwise I might continue to offend people with the way that I apologize or continue to not have them be accepted and received. So change behavior is a huge part of that. Just to be a little more direct in answering this client's question, I do have a few like quick do's and don'ts, and then some things that should maybe be included in a good apology. And so some of them we've already talked about. Like, don't say, I'm sorry, you know, that you felt that way. Or that you took it that way. Try not to add, but, you know, I'm sorry, but you were being kind of annoying, or but you know I was tired. But, you know, it's kind of like you could leave that part out. Try not to over explain. You know, when you're going so deep into your explanation and then this happened, and I was thinking this, and the last time this happened, that is what comes off and we're so defensive. You can certainly share what your intention was. But if that's taking up more space in the apology than your acknowledgement of the impact, then that's that's a little bit of a lopsided apology. Don't make them tend to your needs and feelings. You know, when someone comes to you and says, I was hurt, and then you like start crying and like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I never meant that. I hate that I did that. I'm so like now you're asking them to kind of like comfort you when they came to you with their hurt. So that's probably not the space to take that. Maybe there's someone else you can talk to and say, I can't believe I messed up in this way. But don't make the person hold that for you. And don't demand that they immediately forgive you. So do you forgive me now? Are you over it? Can you know, are we friends again? Give them some time. They may need a little bit of space to process it. On the other side, try to be like specific about what you're apologizing for, as opposed to just like kind of a vague, I'm sorry that I hurt you. You can say specifically, I'm sorry that I didn't consider your feelings in dot, dot, dot, or I'm sorry that I used that language that offended you. Being specific allows the other person to feel heard and understood. Validate their feelings. You don't have to like argue back and forth about the facts of it. All you're really saying is, I believe you. I believe that you were hurt. Um, so even if you remember the situation differently, because this is a big one that comes up with couples, you can start to fight about the facts. Well, no, I didn't. I said this first, or I did, and at that point, now you're in a back and forth. Nobody really ever wins that argument. So just try to validate that you believe they felt that way, even if you remember the scenario a little bit differently. And then you may find they're actually open to hearing a little bit more about your perspective. Give space if needed and follow up with change. I mean, that's what we already talked about is if you can identify something that you can do differently, try to do that, you know. Kenzie, anything you might add to that list or no, I think you nailed it.
SPEAKER_01I love that. I think that's perfect. And like such a great guideline for people to use. Loved it.
SPEAKER_00Fair enough. Fair enough. In terms of forming a solid apology, I do think it's important that you acknowledge what you did, that you like take ownership of it. That's that accountability piece that you acknowledge how the other person was impacted. And like being genuine, this may sound like so basic, but your facial expressions, your body language when you're apologizing. If everything about you is like, well, I'm sorry, and I recognize that that hurt your nobody is going to receive that. So like be mindful of the your body language, your tone, your facial expressions when you're apologizing. Be genuine and sincere in the way that you approach it so that it can actually uh be received. Um I think that's all that I have.
SPEAKER_01I think it was such a good wrap-up summary. So I I think that that's wonderful advice.
SPEAKER_00Fair enough. If you'd like to hear our thoughts on a topic that matters to you, email your question to info at ask a therapistpod.com. We'd also like to hear your thoughts on today's topic. What resonated, what didn't, what did we miss? What did we offend you on? If you have advice for our listener, please share it. You may just hear your feedback on a future episode. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at ask a therapist underscore pod. Emails and DMs are always welcome. Also, if you'd like to connect with me or Kinsey and learn more about the services we offer in our private practices, check the show notes for ways to reach us directly. With that, we're signing off. Thanks for listening, and remember, don't wing it, just ask a therapist. That's it for today's episode.
SPEAKER_01We hope it gave you something to reflect on, or maybe even that aha moment.
SPEAKER_00If so, you know the drill. Rate, review, subscribe, and don't forget to text it to the group chat. Remember, sharing is caring.
SPEAKER_01If you have a question you want us to tackle, big or small, we want to hear it.
SPEAKER_00Email us at info at askathherapistpod.com or slide into our DMs on Instagram at ask a therapist underscore pod. You bring the questions, we'll bring the insight and probably a metaphor or two. This is Ask a Therapist. See you next time.