Ask A Therapist
A place for insight, reflection, and a little humor along the way.
Ask A Therapist
Estranged on Mother's Day (Ep. 21)
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Kicking off season 3, we respond to a listener letter about estrangement from a parent—just in time for Mother’s Day.
Our listener shares the painful decision to cut off contact with her mom after years of repeated boundary violations. Now, as Mother’s Day approaches, she’s facing pressure from loved ones who don’t understand her choice—leaving her questioning whether her boundary is valid or if she’s just avoiding.
We talk about what it really means to set a boundary after patterns of harm, how to tell the difference between avoidance and self-protection, and why other people’s opinions—especially those who haven’t lived your experience—can create so much doubt. We also explore the emotional complexity of estrangement, including grief, guilt, love, and relief coexisting at the same time.
If you’ve ever felt torn between family expectations and your own well-being, this conversation is for you.
Have a question? Email us at info@askatherapistpod.com, use the link below, or DM us on IG or TikTok at @askatherapist_pod
Find Kenzie at therapy-with-kenzie.com or @therapywithkenzie
Find Carli at Psychology Today Profile or @carlikinglmft
Hello and welcome. I'm Kenzie. And I'm Carly. And this is Ask a Therapist.
SPEAKER_01Each week we explore life's most relatable questions, from relationships and boundaries to burnout and self-worth, all through a therapist lens.
SPEAKER_00We're licensed therapists, but this isn't therapy. It's a place for insight, reflection, and a little humor along the way. Your questions, our insights, ask a therapist.
SPEAKER_03This podcast is intended for entertainment and educational purposes only. The content shared should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. We strongly encourage listeners to seek help from a licensed mental health professional for any personal or psychological concerns.
SPEAKER_00Any advice or commentary offered is based solely on the information provided. As such, we cannot guarantee any specific outcomes, and the feedback given should not be interpreted as professional mental health advice. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 911-988 or 211.
SPEAKER_02Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Ask a Therapist. This is episode 21, the start to our third season of Ask a Therapist. Carly, I'm so excited you can be back. Same, same. We came back.
SPEAKER_03I oh yes, I feel like it is always so exciting to come back and record with you. And um, we have some really good questions coming up. So I am looking forward to the season. We have a few little changes that we're making too. And so um thank you for continuing on this journey with us. This week coming up is Mother's Day. And while a beautiful holiday for some, this is also a holiday that can be emotionally challenging for many people. And so this week we will be reviewing a letter from a listener who has initiated no contact with her mom and is worried about the upcoming holiday and questioning her decision. We want to share a quick reminder that while our questions are specific to listener submissions, the insight and responses we share are meant to be supportive and applicable to anyone who may be listening. We are excited to explore this. So let's get started.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I am so excited to be back. I am so grateful to all of you who came back with us, who, you know, waited the few weeks that we were away. And it's always exciting to just come back and do this. It's so much fun, and especially getting to do it with you, Kenzie. So I'm excited for season three. And gosh, we've got so many good questions. I really appreciate everyone who's been submitting questions. So yeah, we are gonna start off today just a little bit different. We're gonna provide a little highlight from our week. Some weeks it maybe it's more of like a reflection or a lesson learned or something that happened in a session that we want to share. So we're just gonna share a little bit more about ourselves to start out. So with that, Kenzie, can you share what was the highlight of your week? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I mean, well, obviously this. I can't believe that we are in our third season. That feels kind of crazy to say. So this is it, that feels it's like, oh my gosh, three seasons. This is such an accomplishment. So excited to be back, excited to be back with you, Carly. Another highlight of my week is I was starting to feel I was starting to get like cold symptoms. My throat was tight. I was getting like just congested. I was having some body aches, and we're going out of town tomorrow for a week. And so I was like, this is the worst time to like start to be getting sick. And I always get like just knocked down when I get sick. And so um, I was stressing about that, but I have this, like my mom calls it my life elixir. And I do this when I start to get sick. And it is I heat up water, I put, I squeeze half a juice of lemon, grated ginger root, turmeric, cinnamon, salt, and pepper. And I drink that twice a day. And I woke up on Tuesday and I felt a hundred percent fine. I was so excited that that worked. So that is my go-to from now on when I get sick. And if it works for anybody else, awesome. It was like such a game changer for me. So that is my win highlight of the week.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I'm I'm like taking notes because I need that recipe. The funny thing is, I drink something similar on a regular basis. It's usually not hot, but like if when you see me with like this little cup, it has like lemon and ginger, but I add a few other things: turmeric, uh like cucumber, sometimes some cayenne. But like I might need that specific recipe. Okay, yes, I will send it.
SPEAKER_03If you start to feel sick, let me know. I got you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, if it knocks it out overnight, like that is that you're right, that's a game changer. So I will take it. A highlight of my week. So of course, you know, being here is a highlight coming back for season three. I feel so grateful that we're able to do that. But also, you know, spring in Pittsburgh can be very, very fickle. And although I know this episode will air, you know, just a little bit after our recording, it just it feeling a little bit more like spring and being able to start my days with a walk, I would say two or three days this week, has felt like a total game changer. Just having sunshine makes such a difference. I really hope that it's not raining the day that this airs. But just having a little bit of sunshine and making it outside to start my day, I I completely see the difference. So I feel like that has made a huge impact on how my week has gone, on how my sessions are going, on how grounded I feel. So that's been my highlight. Simple, but makes a difference.
SPEAKER_03It's such a game changer. As soon as it's sunny and it feels warm, it's just kind of like, I just I want to go do everything. I'm so happy, like in such a good mood. We've had a couple days here and there that are have been kind of nice, but it's it's remained kind of cold. So I'm waiting. I need that warm weather. It I'm sure it'll be here soon, but um, it is like you look outside and you're like, it just should be nicer. It should feel better. So I'm ready for it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. We had some sunny days that were cold, which like felt like a trick. You know, you look outside and it looks beautiful, and then you step out and you're like, I still need my coat, you know. But warmer days are coming, don't worry. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Okay, well, let's go ahead and get into the question. If you're struggling with anxiety, navigating life adjustments, or want better emotional regulation or communication tools, therapy can help. I'm Kenzie, a licensed professional counselor in Connecticut, offering virtual therapy services to individuals looking for meaningful change. I offer tailored therapeutic care to my clients, as well as an emphasis on a strong therapeutic relationship where you will feel safe to process and grow. Visit www.therapy-with-kenzie, k-en-z-i-e, dot com to learn more or schedule a consultation. Our question today, Carly, says, After years of manipulation and control, I finally cut my mom out of my life. This was not an easy decision, but one I felt forced to make for my own mental health. My mom has done a lot over the years, including arguing on Facebook with someone at my job, which caused problems with my supervisor, repeating things I shared in confidence about a close friend to another friend, which ended the friendship, and refusing to pay back money she swore would only be alone. Trust me, this is just the tip of the iceberg. My mom has never showed up for me when I needed her. Even when I had surgery and needed someone to help take care of me post op, she said she had to work and I should ask my sisters. She's ruined countless relationships and friendships because she always oversteps, overshares, and gets too involved. Then when you actually need her, she's too busy. I love my mom and wish there was another way, but it seems the only way to have peace is to not have her around. I cut off contact at the end of last year after another holiday of having my boundaries walked all over. I asked her to leave my home and not contact me anymore, but we haven't spoken or seen each other since. The problem is my sisters want to plan something for my mom for Mother's Day, and I don't want to be involved. They keep insisting I get over my feelings because my mom is my mom, but I just don't think they understand. They're younger and haven't been expected to help my mom in the ways that I have. I even talked to a friend about it, and she said she couldn't imagine not spending Mother's Day with her mom over a grudge. Now I'm starting to question if my boundary is fair when no one else seems to get seems to get it. How do you hold a boundary you feel is necessary when people close to you don't understand? How do you know if a boundary is actually healthy or you just avoiding? I thought I had this figured out, and now I'm not so sure.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I'm glad that we got this question because I know, you know, Mother's Day is one of those holidays where I really think everybody has it's similar to maybe, you know, the the Christmas and December holidays where people really have an expectation as to how you're supposed to feel and behave and you know on this holiday. And I do get it. Like to those of us who have great moms and great relationships with our moms, I could understand how it's really, really hard to understand the listener's letter. But when you were reading it, man, I'm just like, that sounds terrible. Like that sounds so, so, so tough. But I could understand just like the isolation that the listener is probably feeling when everyone around them doesn't really get it or doesn't really agree with the choice that they made that they feel like they needed to make for themselves. And so it just stands out to me like how isolating of an experience that this must feel like. But it is something that a lot of people go through. I just don't know that everyone talks about it or feels comfortable enough to talk about it because I think there's a lot of judgment around not having a good relationship with your mom. Kenzie, what do you think?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that it's so, you know, that judgment around not having a good relationship with your mom is so hard too because the people who who don't have a good relationship with their mom, they already feel that. They almost like feel responsible for it. And a lot of times probably because of experiences growing up and feeling maybe potentially responsible for their parents' emotions, for their mother's emotions. Um, that's something that we can get into a little bit more. But uh, there is there is a lot of like shame and longing that that's there. And you know, for me, I think that's something that stood out in this question. I've I've heard somebody explain their relationship with their mom before as the biggest heartbreak in their life. And that really like touched, you know, touched my heart because your relationship with your mom is that first relationship that you you want to feel held and nurtured and loved and cared for. And when that hasn't been a constant in your life, it is such there is so much grief around that. And then for that to be questioned or for that to be like, why don't you have a good relationship with your mom? There's gotta be some anger there of like, I would love to. I I would love to. And this is, you know, probably been years and years and years of trying and pushing aside feelings and feeling like, what am I doing? And so, you know, I think that there's just so much more complexity to it than that. And I think that people probably also speak from their own experiences, like this friend that's like, I can imagine doing this over a grudge. Like, you have a different experience with your mom, right? And so you might be interpreting what this looks like based on your relationship with your mom and what you're going through, but that doesn't mean that it's the same for this listener.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, I think there's a lot of expectation that really, I mean, it goes unsaid, but like we I think we have a lot of expectations around what a mom is supposed to be, what they're supposed to do. Um, I think we have a lot of expectations around like how you're supposed to treat your mom, even if your mom disappoints you or upsets you. And so to your point, everybody's coming like with their own experience and probably a lot of really strong feelings. Whether you have a positive relationship with your mom, a not so good one, no relationship with your mom, you probably feel very, very strongly about it, right? Like because of those expectations. And so I think this is a loaded conversation that it's is probably hard to have with people who don't understand. But then, you know, this listener mentions that she has sisters. Um, and actually, I I don't know if it's a woman or not. Did they say? I may have made that assumption. So, but this listener is saying that they have siblings. And so that gives me the impression that maybe there was an expectation that this would be understood because they're not the only one who had this experience, but each child may have a different relationship with the parent, right? So, you know, I just think about things like I'm the oldest, I have a younger sibling, we're only two years apart apart, but like I'm a girl, he's a guy. He had different experiences of our parents, right? And so even your siblings not fully being able to understand, you know, it could just be a reflection of the fact that it's possible that your mom was a different mom to them, or that they've had different life experiences that maybe help them to respond differently. And so I I'm I just kind of want to acknowledge, like even people who were maybe around, it's still possible that they had a different experience even with the same person or people.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, or even that they adapt or protect themselves differently, right? Like there is some people become very like, um, okay, I'm gonna keep the peace and they're very aware of what's going on, different emotions. They're kind of like, okay, let me read the room, let me make sure that I'm doing everything in quote unquote the right way to like not make mom upset. And then other people might avoid. They might be like, I'm gonna go and sit in my room and I'm just not gonna acknowledge this. And that's how I protect myself and protect my peace. Some other kids get labeled as the scapegoat, right? And they might cause a little bit of like they might bring to the forefront the dysfunction in the family, and then they kind of get labeled as like you're the challenging one, or or you're kind of like bringing this up. And so just yeah, depending on your personality too, you might have a different experience of your parents. And so these sisters, like they it's possible that the way that they have learned to adapt and cope with the mother and her parenting just could be different. And they could feel like, you know, maybe there is a little bit more of that like avoidance of just let it go and ignore it and move on, or you know, whatever might be coming up for them.
SPEAKER_00For sure. For sure. Yeah, all of those things, birth order, gender, like all of these things affect it, what role you play in your family. And, you know, coming from the systems perspective, that's you know, the that's always kind of my angle is like what seat are you sitting in? Because that's gonna really impact the perception that you have, your perspective on even what your options are in terms of what you can do about the situation. And I do think that's a nice segue into this conversation about boundaries and um the specific question about like, how do I know if it's an appropriate boundary or if it's just avoidance? Um, and I think that's a very, very good question because this boundaries word, when I tell you people have taken boundaries and just like slap them on everything, like, oh no, nope, that's my boundary. I don't do that. No, no, no, my boundary. Like, people, this is kind of funny because we talk about this a lot in therapy. And sometimes people are very, you know, like adamant. And I held a boundary and I told them that they had to show up for me. And it's like, you know, you and we've talked about it before on this podcast. Like, boundaries aren't about other people, right? It's not about telling other people what they can or cannot do, should or should not do, but it's about you adjusting accordingly and deciding what you need to do to take care of yourself. And so I think just like more clarification around boundaries, how to develop appropriate boundaries and how to like assess if a boundary is actually working for you and serving its purpose is um just a very, very important conversation. So, you know, some signs, I guess I would say that maybe this is a little more of avoidance versus boundaries, is I found myself really curious about what attempts have already been made to either make mom aware of how, you know, they make the listener feel or to ask for any sort of like specific change. And I'm not suggesting that that hasn't happened, right? But it because it wasn't specifically stated in the letter, it does make me think about was this like the first attempt to push back against this dynamic with mom, or were there any like half steps taken, any attempts to communicate these feelings before you decided that the best route was we're gonna have to disconnect and go no contact? Sure. Yeah, I don't know what you think about that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that something that I was thinking about with this question specifically was getting a little bit more more clear on like dividing or um identifying what avoidance looks like. And so if you can ask yourself, like, am I am I afraid of an argument? And so I'm not saying anything or I'm avoiding this conversation that could could lead us to more of a connection and to more repair, but I just have to I it would be emotional and I'd have to get vulnerable and I just don't want to do that. There is the potential, right? That I think that oftentimes people feel like, well, I know what they're gonna say, or like I don't want to be disappointed again. Um, and I think that that's something to like work through and process through. It's not something that we're gonna be able to necessarily like. I mean, we we're not sitting with the listeners on this podcast, but that is something that I think is very fair and valid, and that a lot of people feel. But you have to be honest with yourself about that of like, yeah, there's some history to prove that having conversations opening up to my mom has not gone well. And, you know, I'm using that as some evidence, but also am I using it a little bit as like I'm assuming that I know what's gonna happen without actually having that conversation. It does, I mean, you know, we are getting one version of this experience, but to me, based on the emotion and some of the things that have been brought up, I guess I feel like it's not coming across to me that this listener is like, you know, they upset me and now I'm just not talking to them. It sounds like there have been a lot of repeated kind of just like betrayals of trust and you know, feeling emotionally hurt. And so I think that for those boundaries to be clearly identified, like if you have communicated communicated clearly and it continues to be dismissed, if contact with this person puts your mental health at risk, if you feel more stable and clear with distance, to me that is more boundary setting than avoidance. But, you know, I do think that it's something that it's fair to kind of say, at least sit with it a little bit more. But I also kind of think that it sounds like this listener had clarity and now they're questioning it because other people are questioning it. And that comes up a little bit. Um, I wrote down a little bit about the mother wound, and that's pretty on track with having a mother wound, just like questioning yourself and your decisions and if you're being too much. And so we can get into that a little bit more. But what are your thoughts, Carly?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I'm glad that you brought up like the discomfort with vulnerability and being honest with yourself about whether or not that is a factor in what in like if you've brought this up before or how much of it you've communicated. Um, I do agree the client, I mean the uh listener definitely said this is just the tip of the iceberg. So I have to imagine that there are other examples there that, you know, they maybe just don't have time to share all of them. And the examples, I mean, we're talking about things like overstepping, crossing boundaries as it relates to the job, right? Arguing with a coworker and things like that, sharing things that were shared in confidence. And so these do, I could see how impactful and hurtful some of these behaviors could be. But to your point, is there some level of discomfort that could potentially lead to that meaningful change that maybe you just aren't taking, haven't taken, are afraid to take. That's something not only you know, like I, you know, we can't answer that for you. But um I think it's at least worth asking the question because the truth is that like there's plenty in life that is uncomfortable. Discomfort alone is not like abuse. Just, you know, kind of want to clarify that. Just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's unsafe. And so that's something that I find myself unpacking a lot with clients. It's like, does it just make you sad? Does it, you know, require that you maybe do some additional forms of self-care around it to make sure that you're taking care of yourself, but it's possible? Or is this something that really feels, you know, unsafe or in some way abusive? And some of the ways that we learn that is by really looking at, okay, if there were attempts to communicate this, and that's what maybe discourages you about doing it again. Um, I want to know things about how it was discussed. I want to know if there was a soft startup or if you kind of came in hot with the information. I want to know were there a lot of accusations and was there a lot of like criticism where maybe we could transfer that into like a little bit more softness and a little bit more of a like an expression of feelings, using your I statements, making requests. These are all things that when we're dealing with communication, there are there are actually like helpful and unhelpful ways to communicate difficult information. And so it does make me wonder if there was an attempt or even if the information and knowledge was there to be able to have a good conversation or introduce a conversation about this. And to your point about, you know, the doubt that's coming up, I it sounds that way to me as well. Like the listener was very decided about what they needed. needed. And then in hearing other people not quite get it, it's like, oh, well, maybe did I make a mistake? And I'm kind of of two minds about that, Kinzie, if I'm honest. And this may be a little bit of my bias, but I do think it's important that we have our own values, our own convictions, and be willing to make decisions and stand on them even when other people don't agree. But I also think there's something to having trusted people in your life who you can ask for feedback and be open to hearing the possibility that maybe there's a different way of looking at this or maybe there's an angle that you missed. Again, I'm I'm acknowledging my bias because the the real truth of it is I probably wouldn't have this conversation with someone if I didn't trust their input, right? So if I'm asking a really close friend and they're honest with me, like, listen, Carly, I think you're tripping a little bit. Like I think that you I think this is a little bit extreme based on what you share with me. Cause they said a close friend and I'm like, does this close friend not know the history of the relationship? But if they still have, you know, this take on it, that probably would cause me to at least pause and rethink my decision. It doesn't necessarily mean it's going to change it. But I think when you have people who you really believe love and care for you and they do have an understanding, they can be helpful when you're unsure about if you're maybe missing something in it, you know?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that that's a great point. And maybe they they go back to that conversation with their friend and they they say kind of like why did you say that? Where is this coming from? Was it coming from their experience with their mom or were they thinking about your experience with your mom and and getting a little bit more clarity on that. So I like that point. I am I'm sorry to pause you.
SPEAKER_00I'm sorry I know I'm interrupting but you're absolutely right when the friend said I wouldn't do this to my mom and that's something again like you know they they didn't necessarily ask what you would do with your mom. They're asking what I should do with my mom. So you're absolutely right that the the person may have just been responding based on their own experience which you know to be helpful we got to put ourselves in someone else's shoes. But please continue.
SPEAKER_03Yeah yeah yeah and yeah so I think you know following up on that conversation would be a good idea and maybe even kind of saying like I'm really struggling with this. I need a little bit of emotional support in this if this is a close friend. Like this is a really hard difficult relationship to feel like you don't have in your life. But something that you had mentioned that I wanted to ask you about because I thought that it was really interesting was so if a client or if this listener is kind of like yeah you know what it's not unsafe. It's not abusive in any way I just I don't feel comfortable I don't feel heard. I don't feel like this is going to go anywhere and I feel so much more peace not having contact with my mom. Is that enough? You know they mentioned I really love my mom. I want this to be different. So I think that there are two parts of them that are being pulled of wanting to protect their emotional peace and really longing for and grieving this relationship. And I also just want to highlight that we're, you know, again, we talk about this a lot in therapy but like you we can't control anybody else. You can only control yourself. And so we are speaking to this um listener in kind of like what can you do? Can you have these conversations? Can you bring this up? And there's also an unfairness in that too of and I think that a lot of times children of parents who struggle with their own emotions feel frustrated and it it feels unfair that they have to be the ones to try to mend the relationship, to have these conversations, to pursue deeper connection and change. And I can't remember if I've said this on I think I have said this on this podcast before but I had a supervisor that was really great with families and said that parents should always be bigger, kinder and wiser and like initiate those conversations and show up for their kids even if they're adult children like you always want your parent. And so I would imagine that that's a part of this grief for this listener too is like, why hasn't my mom why hasn't my mom reached out to me? I'm the kid even if I'm adult like why why is it on me to fix and mend this relationship? But what are your thoughts on like what if they do just need a break even if it's not even if it's something that maybe they could try to have a deeper conversation around or be more vulnerable about.
SPEAKER_00Yeah it's a great question. I think we all have the right to decide what our limits and values are in the sense that that is absolutely enough if it's enough for you. You know? And so if the listener is like listen I don't I'm good with with where we are I'm not interested in making the relationship better per se. I'm accepting that this is how it is and so this is the boundary that I'm holding. I think in order to have a healthy boundary there does need to be a level of acceptance of, you know, this is what the person is showing me. I believe them and so I'm going to you know allow them to have control over their decisions, but then I'm going to protect myself accordingly. And no a situation does not have to be unsafe or abusive in order for you to decide that a boundary is necessary. So I think you had the the listener has every right to decide that for themselves. One definition that I've heard for boundaries that I really like and I'm sorry I can't give credit to who I heard it from because I don't remember, but it was the essentially the distance from which I can love you and still love myself. And I love the definition because it of the visual that it gives of like you know there may be a certain distance where it's kind of like oh that's that's too close. And now at this point in order for me to show up for you in the way that's needed to maintain this relationship, I have to violate one of my own boundaries or values or what have you and I can't do that. Right. So it's like the distance. Now where I think what you're bringing up comes in is I'm not sure that the listener has found the closest possible distance at which to do that. And I don't know if they want to right so if because but the one piece that makes me think maybe they do was the what was it? I wish there was another way but it seems the only way to have peace is to not have her around. And so that stuck out to me because there it's possible that you found a distance and it's just very, very far. And we don't know how much closer you could get before it becomes a violation of your values. And so sometimes we have to do a little bit of trial and error with that. Like you know that can mean things like okay I'm gonna attempt to have a phone conversation but I'm not ready to talk in person. Or I'm okay with meeting the person out in a public place, but I don't want them in my home or in my space. Or I'm okay with doing a family gathering of some sort but I don't want one-on-one contact. These are just examples of like you can try a distance that's maybe a little bit closer to kind of figure out what's the closest I can get where it still feels you know like I can maintain my own peace. And that might just take a little bit of help to kind of sort through.
SPEAKER_03I think that that's a great point. I think that's a really important thing to bring up and I think that the only thing that I would add to that is like this listener listener needs to be ready for that. They can't do it because they feel like their friends or their family want them to and I think that's something that they do need to ask themselves is like am I thinking so much about like are other people going to think that this is okay or is this what I'm wanting and what I'm ready for? Because if you try to push yourself to find that balance or create that change and you're not ready for it and you're going against your boundaries or your values or your peace or whatever it is, it's going to lead to resentment. And it's probably going to lead to resentment towards your sisters or your friends or whoever else it might be. And so I really like that point. And I would just say like if you're gonna do that, make sure that you're ready and you have the emotional capacity to do it.
SPEAKER_00I think that's 100% fair. And I do just want to jump back quickly to something that you said earlier, which was this dynamic of like, but it's not really my job to do that. Like why wouldn't my mom do that? Right? Like they're the parent right and I think that's a very like valid point to make there it sounds like there are aspects of this relationship that are just inherently like unfair and maybe imbalanced. And also you know just because someone is a parent doesn't necessarily mean that they're always whatever more wiser bigger whatever kinder whatever words you use doesn't mean like there's no automatic dose of that that you get as a parent. And it is quite possible that you know as you grow mature age have different experiences that you can become more mature than a parent in a lot of ways. And while it's not really fair I would want to empower this listener that you don't have to wait for your mom to change or you know the decide that they want to turn over a new leaf because part of what that does is kind of hold you hostage until your mom finds some level of like healing or growth. And you never have to wait you know for for anyone else you can accept that maybe that's where she is right now and then decide like how you're gonna respond as a is it fair? Probably not but don't ever like stunt your growth or if you if you want to make that attempt and feel you're capable of it but just kind of like based on principle feel like you shouldn't have to I think that could potentially hold you back in a way that's really not fair to you just based on where your mom is.
SPEAKER_03Yeah I love that. I love the idea of shifting from like is it unfair? Yes. Do you probably feel some anger, some hurt around that absolutely can you then shift that into grieving it, accepting it and then empowering yourself so that it feels like I'm not attached to this. I don't have to um keep myself held back in this just because I am hurt by it. It's a completely understandable that you would be hurt by it but you also can, you can be better. And I think that that is a really good kind of point to bring up um the only other thing that I wanted to touch on with this question was was the mother wound and just to give some information about the mother wound for this listener and for other listeners who might be tuning in. So the mother wound is an emotional pain that like essentially unmet needs or relational injury that has come from a difficult or inconsistent relationship with your mother or primary caregiver. And some of the things that were noted with this was that it it doesn't just stay in childhood. Obviously it continues as you get older too into adulthood and it can show up in ways emotionally where you feel guilt for prioritizing yourself, confusion about what's too much versus reasonable needs. Relationally it can result in people pleasing or overgiving struggling with boundaries feeling distrusting or oversharing too quickly. And then internally it can sometimes result in having like a really harsh inner critic that's usually you know your mother's voice in your head feeling responsible for others emotionally and questioning your reality of like was it really that bad. So I just want to highlight those two just because it's potentially what could be happening with this listener of like other people are questioning my decision. Am I wrong? Am I not? And like if a part of their dynamic has been to put other people's needs before themselves, this could be really, really hard for them that they're even setting this boundary. And so I just want to kind of highlight too that even being able to say like this I need to protect my peace is a really brave thing. But continuing that work would be like reworking that inner voice, grieving what you didn't get and then finding some safe relationships. And those can all be really corrective experiences.
SPEAKER_00Yeah I love that thank you for sharing that it it kind of takes me back to our conversation about attachment and just how critical those initial attachment bonds are and how we really carry that with us. And so to just kind of normalize the listener's experience and say like no this is incredibly common for people who have this particular experience. So I I really appreciate that that information.
SPEAKER_03Yeah yeah yeah and I just and sorry one final thing to highlight but you can love your mom and feel deeply hurt by this relationship. Like you could feel confused because you're like I did have some really great moments growing up or we had you know we had this experience where I felt really connected to her and but other times I felt really hurt and confused. And so just kind of validating that like sometimes you can get in your own head of like am I am I reading this correctly is this right and just remembering that like multiple truths can be happening at once.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely absolutely if you'd like to hear our thoughts on a topic that matters to you email your question to info at ask a therapistpod dot com. We'd also like to hear your thoughts on today's topic. What resonated what didn't and what did we miss? If you have advice for our listener please share it. You may just hear your feedback on a future episode. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at ask a therapist underscore pod emails and DMs are always welcome. Also if you'd like to connect with me or Kenzie and learn more about the services we offer in our private practices check the show notes for ways to reach us directly with that we're signing off first episode of season three thanks for listening and remember don't wing it just ask a therapist.
SPEAKER_01That's it for today's episode we hope it gave you something to reflect on or maybe even that aha moment.
SPEAKER_00If so you know the drill rate review subscribe and don't forget to text it to the group chat remember sharing is caring.
SPEAKER_01If you have a question you want us to tackle big or small we want to hear it.
SPEAKER_00Email us at infotaskhtherapistpod dot com or slide into our DMs on Instagram at ask a therapist underscore pod. You bring the questions we'll bring the insight and probably a metaphor or two. This is ask a therapist