Performative Pride (Ep. 25)

This week, we hear from a listener questioning if work they initially deemed to be  meaningful has become compromised. 

We talk about the uneasy space where visibility, marketing, and identity collide. When does representation become performative? What does it mean to be asked to “sign off” on authenticity? And how do you hold onto your values while working within systems that reward optics over substance?

It’s a conversation about compromise, integrity, and what it takes to stay grounded when your work both reflects and reshapes who you are. If you’ve ever felt proud of what you do and uncomfortable with it at the same time, this one’s for you.

Have a question? Email us at info@askatherapistpod.com, use the link below, or DM us on IG or TikTok at @askatherapist_pod

Submit Your Question Here!

Find Kenzie at therapy-with-kenzie.com or @therapywithkenzie

Find Carli at Psychology Today Profile or @carlikinglmft

Transcript

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Hello and welcome. I'm Kenzie. And I'm Carly. And this is Ask a Therapist. Each week we explore life's most relatable questions, from relationships and boundaries to burnout and self-worth, all through a therapist lens. We're licensed therapists, but this isn't therapy. It's a place for insight, reflection, and a little humor along the way. Your questions, our insights, ask a therapist. This podcast is intended for entertainment and educational purposes only. The content shared should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. We strongly encourage listeners to seek help from a licensed mental health professional for any personal or psychological concerns. Any advice or commentary offered is based solely on the information provided. As such, we cannot guarantee any specific outcomes, and the feedback given should not be interpreted as professional mental health advice. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 911, 988, or 211. All right, hi everybody. Welcome back. This is Ask a Therapist episode 25. Um, this is also the start of June, which is Pride Month. And so we have chosen a listener question that touches on Pride Month. And it is one, just like a really well-worded question. Obviously, we'll get into it, but it touches on something that I think a lot of people kind of know or have a sense of, but it's is really just put into um a context that I think makes a lot of sense and I'm excited to um dive into. It's a little bit about companies and workplaces essentially like highlighting Pride Month, but to a certain extent and how that impacts the people that work there and that are working on it and that are part of the LGBTQA community. And so I'm excited to touch on this. Um, we do want to share a quick reminder that while our questions are specific to listener submissions, the insight and responses we share are meant to be supportive and applicable to anyone who may be listening. We're excited to explore this with you all. So let's get started. Carly, how are things going this week? Yeah, things are going good. Um, I can kick us off with a little bit of a highlight. Yeah. Other therapists, I guess, maybe could relate to this. Like sometimes therapy talk makes it into your real everyday life, like with close friends and family. And I'm realizing that my daughter has definitely been picking up on some of the things that she's probably heard me say or other people say. Okay. And so I got a nice little email from her when she was in school. I'm hoping in study hall or something. But she sends me a picture of a phone and she tells me that she is manifesting what she wants for summer. So I'm like, yeah, this little girl is like using every tip and trick that she can find. She's like, I'm just meant, like, I'm just laying this here so that you know I can like absorb it. And I'm like, girl. So I don't know if her manifesting is gonna work, but that that was kind of my highlight. I was like, oh, okay, so she's gonna be using this stuff against me. Um, yeah, like now. Brilliant. She's brilliant. She is manifesting, putting it into your realm so that you also can manifest this for her. That feels very like mama manifesting this, but also like I feel like you should really pay attention to what she's trying to manifest for me, right? I'm like, yeah, I don't see that. Okay, I am going, I'm gonna use that tactic. I am going to just man like that vision board because I mean, listen, I think that when you say, This is what I'm looking for and this is what I want, and you are focused on that, like I think that that good things do come to people who manifest. So I love it. I love her dedication to pursuing some of these things that she is excited about. Yeah, I might need to manifest some things, send some things to my husband to manifest. I'm I'm feeling that these things are going to happen. Like, just you know, put it out there. I'm feeling vacation like is near, you know. Let's see what happens. Really manifesting, yes. Oh my gosh, that's funny. She has she ever done like a vision board or anything like that? Not so much, not that I'm aware of, but I'm certain that if she thought making a vision board would increase the likelihood of her getting a phone, she would make me the biggest, most creative poster. She'd probably do a whole artwork piece about it. Like she's willing to do a lot to get what she wants, you know? So yeah. Yeah, no, she's dedicated. I like that. That's so cute. A phone's a big deal. A phone's a big deal. It is not, I mean, all the research, that's a whole other episode, but all the research suggests not a great thing to put in the hands of children. She's still 12, she's young, so I'm not ready yet. Okay, okay. Well, you know, she can manifest for a little while and eventually Eventually we'll get there. Yeah, yeah. We think that's a good lesson too, and delayed, you know, keep like keep the vision, keep going, even when it doesn't happen the way you think it's gonna happen. Exactly. Exactly. That's so funny. Oh, that's cute. Well, my my only update was I was thinking about, you know, we had our episode last week about um ADHD tools and tactics, and I didn't mention this last week or in um the update that I gave about the Netherlands, but I thought that this was a good thing to follow back on. There is a like, I don't I don't know if it's a tradition. I don't I don't know what it is, but um, every Dutch house that we went into in the Netherlands had a calendar in their bathroom and it had people's birthdays listed. Like it's not like the date, it's not a year calendar where like, you know, the Monday's different or the whatever. It just has the month and then dates, and then you have people's names written next to those dates. And so you keep it in your bathroom because you go in there every day and you see, so you know whose birthdays are coming up for the month. And I thought that was such a cute, clever idea. So I bought a Dutch calendar and I have it in my bathroom, and I've got all the people's birthdays that I would text on their birthday listed. And I'm kind of historically like, wait, who when is this person's birthday? Like, when is it coming up? And it's been such a game changer. I'm like, I feel so on top of people's birthdays. It's such a cool, fun idea. So that's my update, and I feel like a really cool life hack. So I suggest I love it. Yeah, yeah, I love it. And it's maybe applicable to our ADHD listener who was looking for some tips and tricks and you know, to help her with that. So I like that. The the way it keeps it like on like top of mind, and you can anticipate it so you can plan for it, you know. Yes, exactly. So that's just kind of like a little fun one for this week. But um, I'm excited to jump in today. So I think Carly, you have our question for us. Yes, let's jump into our question. At Carly King Therapy, you don't have to navigate life alone. I'm Carly King, a licensed marriage and family therapist, helping individuals, couples, and families work through anxiety, depression, and relationship challenges with compassion and clarity. Using proven approaches like narrative therapy, emotionally focused therapy, and Gottman method, I help you better understand your story, strengthen your connections, and create lasting, meaningful change. Whether you're facing a difficult transition, working to repair your relationship, or simply wanting to feel more like yourself again, support is closer than you think. With convenient virtual sessions, you can connect from wherever you are. I'm licensed in Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and Florida and accept select insurances. Visit CarlyKingTherapy.com to schedule your free consultation. Carly King Therapy, support that meets you where you are. I fought to include real people instead of stock imagery, to avoid cliches, and to donate to organizations that actually do the work. But at the same time, I can't shake the feeling that a lot of what I'm doing is hollow. Every June, the same conversations happen. How bold can we be without risking backlash? Which markets should get the toned down version? Can we keep messaging inclusive but not political? I find myself in meetings where my identity is treated as both an asset and a liability. Valuable when it helps sell authenticity, inconvenient when it challenges the brand's comfort zone. What's hardest is that I'm often the one expected to give the queer stamp of approval. If I push back too hard, I'm too close to it. If I don't push, I feel like I'm complicit in something performative. It's a strange place to be, both benefiting from the visibility and feeling like I'm helping package it into something safe and marketable. I don't think my coworkers are bad people. Many genuinely want to do the right thing, but the system we're in rewards optics over substance. And I worry about what that does, not just externally, but internally, to people like me who are asked to translate lived experience into brand language. I guess my question is, how do you navigate doing work that on the surface aligns with your identity and values, but in practice feels compromised? How do you hold on to a sense of integrity without burning out or becoming cynical? Thanks for listening. What do you think, Kenzie, about this letter? Yeah, well, I already mentioned this, but I think that it gives such a voice and such a um understanding to something that I think there is probably like a conception of, like I I don't necessarily know how to explain it, but I think that a lot of people probably understand that like sometimes when agencies put out messages, it feels a little bit like okay, we're putting this out because it feels like we should. And the authenticity part of it might feel like it is people might not feel super like represented or actually cared for. So, anyways, I think that it was it was a very well written question. I think that it is a really important topic to touch on, and so I appreciate this listener submitting it. I think that something that stands out to me is it sounds like this listener is carrying a lot of responsibility, a lot of weight, and probably getting to that point of almost feeling burnt out, of feeling like it feels like there's a lot of, it feels like there's a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. It feels like I'm I'm representing, I'm giving the queer stamp of approval. I'm resenting so many different people. And that that feels like a big responsibility. And it feels like no matter how hard I'm working, it feels hollow. It feels like I'm not able to do enough. And that does lead to burnout. That does kind of feel like, okay, I'm putting in all of this effort, and what do I feel like I'm getting out of it? And so I, those are my first initial impressions. I would want to challenge this listener and kind of say, like, it sounds like you're doing a lot. Like I understand that that things probably in any area of life do not progress in the way that we hope that they would, or the rate that we hope that they would, but it sounds like you are making some really meaningful change. But I think that that's something that we can get into a little bit more too. Carly, what were your thoughts? Yeah, well, I mean, my initial thoughts were this is where the concept of like representation meets like capitalism, you know, or like values meets capitalism and it's it's it's almost like baked into our systems because of how much at least now today, we do at least in the US, expect uh our companies to have some sort of brand identity, right? Like we that's how we know what products and services are for us and which which ones are not. And so I understand the need for representation and also our company's goals are to make money, right? Like that ultimately is what all of these companies are aiming for, which inherently comes with a certain amount, I don't want to say of insincerity always, because sometimes the efforts are sincere, but it is to an end. Like it is to an end to sell to a particular customer or to get someone to, you know, purchase their product, uh, buy their service, choose them over another competitor. And so even when a company is going out of their way to have adequate representation for an underrepresented group, I think there's something about it that just it's almost you can't avoid the fact that something about it feels a little a little disingenuous when the whole goal is to sell to that particular group. I do think it brings up the conversation about intention versus impact. It sounds like the listener really had good intentions in taking this position and being a part of this team that was gonna give like voice to this underrepresented group that they're a part of. And even the company may even have positive intentions in the way that they're wanting to go about it. But it sounds like the listener is starting to look at the impact and question if those two things aligned. Maybe this was our goal or my goal in choosing to be a part of it. But if you recognize that that's not what's actually happening or you're not pleased with the impact, then it makes you kind of rethink that decision. And that's what stood out to me. Now, to your point about it sounds like you're taking on a lot, I agree with that. And it also feels like such an inevitable part of being one of the only voices of whatever group you represent in a room. That again, that's why representation matters and ideally more than just one voice. Because whenever you're the only woman, the only black person, the only Asian person, the only LGBTQ, the only person with a disability, the only whatever the category is, there's an inherent amount of pressure that comes with that that I don't think people even realize they're put putting on to you, but you feel it. You feel it because you know this is the interaction that they're having with the one person who understands what it's like to be in these shoes in this room. And if I don't adequately convey the broadest like experience, then you feel like you're doing someone a disservice. And it really isn't fair, but I think it happens a lot to people in in under um represented communities. Yeah, I mean, this listener touched on like, I feel like I have to give the stamp of approval, and that it they probably do feel it in every meeting, every time that this comes back up in June and the company talks about it and um and feeling like you have to give a stamp of approval for such a broad range and group of people, it it's impossible. It's it is impossible. And so, um, you know, I feel for this listener and that experience of it. Um I do, you know, I'm I'm I'm torn, I'm gonna be completely honest, I'm torn with this um question because I, on the one hand, I think it's really great to have good people who are in positions where they can make some kind of a a difference, right? And it sounds like this listener has made some really positive impacts. And so there's this one part of me that wants to help the listener reframe what they've been able to accomplish and see kind of the impact that they have had, and you know, feeling like things, things have moved maybe not as quickly as you would hope. Or, um, you know, there are still difficulties in advocacy work. Um, but you're in a position to be able to do it. And so, like almost reinvigorating to like see it a little bit differently, to avoid some of that burnout, to be able to like reframe and say, like, okay, yeah, I I still feel energized by this. And there's the other part of me that's like, well, that's contributing to the this being a lot to put on somebody. Of I feel like they're probably feeling it too. Of I'm in this position, I can make an impact, I can make a difference, and it feels like it's a lot of responsibility for me to hold alone. It's maybe not moving or progressing in the way that I hope that it would. And I feel like I keep running into some roadblocks, or I feel like the system and corporation in general is not necessarily designed for me to succeed in the way that I would want to. And so, yeah, I, you know, I could keep showing up, but what if I do become burnt out? What if I do become cynical and it becomes like, and and then I don't feel like I am doing a service in this role that I was really excited about? So I'm a little bit torn, Carly. I don't know if you have any thoughts on that. Yeah, I mean, hard relate on that because it does sound like the company is trying. And obviously, if we like rewind 20, 30 years ago, maybe even more recent, this wouldn't even be a conversation. There wouldn't even be any acknowledgement of pride or anything of the sort. And so, like progress and change, like these things are happening, but it's often slow and it is almost always imperfect. And so, like where this particular listener sits in like the span of time, you do have to kind of put things into context and recognize yeah, some of the things that you're struggling with today may not even be an issue 10 years from now, 20 years from now. And you may look back on this moment and like, wow, we've come a long way. Like, look at some of the things that we had to deal with, or some of the things that were approved or weren't weren't approved. I know I had that experience when I look at movies and commercials and things from the 90s that seem so normal. And then I listen to them now. I'm like, whoa, like I can't believe that that they got away with that. You know what I mean? And so we do exist within time and within context. And like to your point, that can be encouraging. And then it could also be like, well, geez, that means that like I'm not really, this is only just a small drop in the bucket. Am I really making a difference? And so, you know, I think finding, to your point, reframing how they think about the impact that they are having and then finding ways to like push for a little bit more. Maybe that means pushing for some year-long initiatives, right? That are not just in June, but like encouraging the company to live up to the values that they say that they hold by pushing for, you know, a little bit more even outside of um June. You're also not going to like fix the entire system, but the power that you do hold is within your realm of influence. So even if you set certain boundaries of like, this is how far I'm willing to go, and this is what I'm not willing to do, this is what I will not sign off on, like that matters as well. Having one voice in the room matters. Maybe the goal is to get to having five voices in the room where you don't have to be the only one to maybe offer your thoughts or perspective. But for right now, while you're the one person, how can I at least use the influence that I do have in a way that feels meaningful and feels like it doesn't go against my values, even if it's not always fully aligned with my values, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I'm also thinking about how this for this listener, like, I don't know, maybe because we're just fresh off of the ADHD episode last week, but I'm thinking about how the idea of writing some, like having a really big goal can almost feel overwhelming. I think that in this space, having a really big goal can kind of feel like, well, I'm not there. It feels like it's taking so long to like get to that, or even the steps that I would want to be to get to that. And so also reframing and celebrating any kind of progress, any kind of win, any kind of step towards that goal. Being able to celebrate that just as much as like the end goal, I think is important to keep the to be able to sustain and to feel be able to feel like you still have some stamina, like you need stamina, you need to be able to take kind of like pause, look back, and be like, oh wait, look at how much we have done and how much we have accomplished. Something that I like to do occasionally, like, you know, maybe every year or so with clients is have them reflect, like write a letter to their past selves where they started. Um, it can be a really good exercise in looking back and kind of saying, like, oh man, like a year ago I was in this place of really struggling with this, or and now here I am, and I didn't even realize or recognize how much I have done and how much I've worked to get to this point. And then writing a letter to your future self too. What do I still want to achieve? What do I still want to work on? And that can be really helpful, you know, career-wise, like just to frame to yourself how much you have done and how much has been accomplished can be a good reset and a good reframe in being able to see things, you know, a little bit differently so it doesn't feel so over. Overwhelming. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not lost on me how the role that this person has chosen in terms of a a career path intersects with their own identity. So like sometimes we have jobs that just kind of exist separately from our sense of identity. Like they don't really have anything to do with that specifically. We just show up as ourselves and we're just, you know, a a person who happens to be that does this particular role. But for this client, their identity is like intertwined with their role. It is like because of their identity that they are even in the position and what's being asked of them, you know, has a lot to do with their personal life and personal experience. Yeah. And it is, it is pot for some people that works. And for some people that works for a period of time and then it doesn't. Maybe as a more extreme measure, maybe this person is just reaching a point where they need to rethink if this is the type of role that they even want to take on. Sure. And to your point, it can feel like a lot of pressure. And maybe they just feel like they've kind of paid their dues, like done what can be done there. And so maybe a goal could be to find a really, really good replacement for themselves that they feel would like really carry the torch, or maybe three or four replacements or like additions. But it it could also be an option to explore work that is just maybe more aligned either with your values or that just doesn't intersect as much with your sense of identity. If this person is a really good marketing person, I'm thinking like, is there a cause, an organization, nonprofit company that does some of the more, you know, boots on the ground work when it comes to the LGBTQIA community that like you could be a part of and lend those skills to and feel like it's a little more sincere, a little more genuine, a little more aligned with the company's values. And so maybe that's something that you would want to explore. But it it takes me back just a little bit to our conversation with the recent college grad about like, do I have to be passionate about my work? And it sounds like, you know, this listener found something that they were passionate about. But the reality is that when the goal is to make money, that is that is typically the goal over everything else. And so if you're gonna be in corporate America and in a space that is not specifically committed to serving an underrepresented community, you are probably gonna continue to find this challenge just as we grow and evolve as a society. Yeah, I think it's a really good question to ask. I think it's a really good question to consider for this listener. Like maybe that the idea of that option hasn't really felt like it is an actual option. And so to sit with that and to know that it's okay. Like to know that it is okay to have made an impact and to pivot or transition and to look at whether like to think outside of the box and what are the options that you have. Like you can't, you can't give all of yourself to to something that's going to take all of you. And so being okay with saying my energy and my focus might actually be better met in a different environment. Like it's okay to consider that. And um, I think that that is, you know, a really good reflection for this person to sit with. Um, another thing that stood out to me was that they were kind of saying, like, I genuinely feel like my coworkers are good people. They want to do the right things, like recognizing that too. Of sometimes when things feel so big, it can be helpful to bring it. You know, we talk about like systems where there is such like a macro system. If you can bring it to a little bit more of those relationships or things like that, that can feel a little bit more, but same with other companies, right? Like there can be it can be a little bit of like, well, let me look at some other options that are out there that that feel really good and that feel like this is a positive next step for me and where I'm at, if that is kind of what they're leaning towards. Yeah. Yeah. Um, one of the last things I'll bring up is it does remind me of a conversation that I recently had with a client about the value of like building your assertive communication skills. Because when you're in a corporate setting, you know, there there are rules and like their do's and don'ts and things that are often like accepted, and then other things that are seen as like you you don't do that, you don't say that that way, you don't send that email. And just building this uh listener's ability to build up their skill set in effectively communicating what they actually want to say. Yeah. That doesn't necessarily mean that every idea or suggestion is going to be accepted, but maybe there's some value in learning some better ways to communicate what you actually mean so that whether they take it or leave it, you can look back on your interaction and say, like, but I stood up for what I thought was right, right? Like maybe they didn't, they went ahead with the commercial anyway, or maybe they still did whatever it was that I advised against. But I was very clear, I was direct, I was respectful, but I explained, like, I don't know that this is gonna land in the way that you intend, or, you know, and so just working on ways to more effectively communicate, I find can at least leave you with less internal angst about your role in it. Because I very much get that part of like, am I complicit in this because I was in the meeting and I knew that these were the things that people were saying and like I didn't speak up enough, or should I have really like banged on the table for this to for something to go a particular way? And so I think that would at least help the listener walk away from the scenario saying, I handled myself with integrity in that moment. I can't control all the decisions that the company makes, but I at least feel good about my contribution. And then there's a little less guilt and shame around the role that you're playing in it. I think that that's great, a really great skill set to hone in on. So I think that that is a great tool in this scenario as well. I like that a lot. Yeah. Okay. Um, thanks so much for this letter. So like well written and thoughtful and vulnerable and intentional. And I just really appreciated the uh them sending it. Yeah. If you'd like to hear our thoughts on a topic that matters to you, email your question to info at ask a therapistpod.com. We'd also like to hear your thoughts on today's topic. What resonated, what didn't, and what did we miss? If you have advice for our listener, please share it. You may just hear your feedback on a future episode. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at ask a therapist underscore pod. Emails and DMs are always welcome. Also, if you'd like to connect with me or Kenzie and learn more about the services we offer in our private practices, check the show notes for ways to reach us directly. With that, we're signing off. Thanks for listening, and remember, don't wing it, just ask a therapist. That's it for today's episode. We hope it gave you something to reflect on, or maybe even that aha moment. If so, you know the drill. Rate, review, subscribe, and don't forget to text it to the group chat. Remember, sharing is caring. If you have a question you want us to tackle, big or small, we want to hear it. Email us at info at askathherapistpod.com or slide into our DMs on Instagram at ask a therapist underscore pod. You bring the questions. We'll bring the insight and probably a metaphor or two. This is Ask a Therapist.