What Is Anticipatory Grief? Coping With Loss Before It Happens

What is anticipatory grief, and why does it feel like you’re grieving something that hasn’t even happened yet?

In this episode of Brave Moves, Julie DeLucca-Collins explores the emotional experience of anticipatory grief, the feeling of loss before the loss actually occurs.

Whether it’s an aging parent, a beloved pet, a relationship, or a life transition, anticipatory grief can bring waves of sadness, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm. This episode helps you understand why it happens and how to cope in a healthy, compassionate way.

If you’ve ever caught yourself grieving someone or something that is still here, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

•  What anticipatory grief is and why it happens 
•  How anticipatory grief shows up emotionally and mentally 
•  Why grieving before a loss is a normal human response 
•  How to stay present instead of living in future loss 
•  How to turn grief into gratitude and intentional living 

Julie shares her own experience with anticipatory grief as her dogs age.

Your Brave Move:

Shift from fear of future loss to intentional presence today. Ask yourself: “How can I fully experience this moment while I still have it?”

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm so glad you're joining me for another episode of Brave Moves, my friend. I want to talk to you about something that is a little tender, and maybe something you haven't even had the words for. Have you ever found yourself grieving? Something perhaps that hasn't even happened yet? A loved one who is aging, a diagnosis you're navigating, a season of life that you know is ending, or even a pet you love so deeply, and you catch yourself thinking, I already missed them and they're still here. You know, today we're talking about something called anticipatory grief. What is it, why it happens, and how to move through without losing the present moment. And I'll share one brave move to help you hold love and loss at the same time. Now, anticipatory grief is exactly what it sounds like. It's the grief you feel before a loss actually happens. And let me say this clearly: there's nothing wrong with you if you're feeling this way. It just means you love deeply, you are aware, and you understand that life is very finite. And for me, this has been showing up in a real personal way. My dogs are getting older, I live with an elderly parent, and sometimes I look at them, and instead of just enjoying the moment, I feel this wave of sadness because I know one day they won't be here. And that thought, well, it can take you out of the very moment you want to hold on to. And that's the tricky part about anticipatory grief. It pulls you into the future and steals the present from you. And here is the truth: we cannot love deeply without also risking grief. No, love and loss are not opposites, they are partners. And here's the inner conflict. When we feel the anticipatory grief, we often try to push it away, distract ourselves, tell ourselves, don't think about that. I know I do. And the more that we resist it, I have found, is that the louder it gets. Because grief isn't something to fix, it's something to feel. You know, when my dog Bella passed, it was the first dog that I've had in my life that actually I went through losing her and being there when she crossed the Rainbow Bridge. And I love Bella a lot. And then all of a sudden I realized that is a terrible ache to go through. And I was so amazed in 2018 when this happened, how it brought me back to the grief that I felt for my dad. And some of you who don't have pets may not get this, but you grieve that little fur friend just as much as you would grieve for person. You know, she was just a joy to have. She's the first dog that Dean and I got when we um were engaged, about to be married. And I was devastated. And it really took me a time. And I thought, when am I going to start thinking about this? But I moved from it. And now I have, of course, Yogi, Simba, Junior, and in their own special way, you know, these dogs have been an incredible, just part of my journey. Yogi has been with us since he was a puppy. Simba belonged to my dear friend who passed, and we have him, and now Junior belonged to her son, who also passed. And in their own way, they have such characters. And I look at them and I think, oh my god, my elderly dogs, they have trouble going up the stairs. They have to have a special diet. And I have a hard time with that. And I want you to know that anticipatory grief is your heart saying, Well, this matters, this is important, don't take it for granted. And I know that. And what I do and what I started to see is that instead of seeing the painful future that is going to come, I saw it as an invitation. And I want you to reframe that. If there's something that perhaps you're dreading and grieving already, maybe your kids are going off to college, or maybe you're going to be leaving a job soon, or perhaps you are like me dealing with elderly dogs or an elderly parent. I want you to start seeing this as an invitation, not the painful thing that you know it's going to be. And think of it as an invitation to be more present, to say things you've been holding back, to create memories on purpose, to love out loud. Because here's the truth: you don't need to wait for the loss to honor what you have. So here's your brave move for the day, my friend. Turn your anticipatory grief into intentional presence. Instead of saying, I'm gonna lose this someday, shift to I get to experience this today. And with my mom, with my dogs, you know, that looks like slowing down on our walk, being more present uh as I create meals for them, or just sit in the peacefulness of the day. And then notice the little things. Not because we, you know, live in this world that is robbing us of things, but noticing because you still have them. Now, my friend, give yourself permission to feel both things joy and sadness, gratitude and fear, love and grief. And you don't have to choose one because holding both, that's what it means to be human. And if you're grieving something that hasn't happened yet, you're not broken. You know, you're not dramatic, but you are aware and you love deeply, and that is something to honor. Of course, if this episode resonated with you, I want to invite you to please make sure that you are subscribed, that these episodes show up in your podcasting platform magically as they come out, because we all could use a little inspiration and motivation daily. And if you've already subscribed, because a majority of you haven't, although you're listening and I love that you are, but make sure that you share this episode with someone who may be carrying this too, because so many of us are feeling this and not talking about this anticipatory grief or all of the things that we tend to talk about in this episode or in this podcast for that matter. Remember, don't let fear of losing something take away the beauty of having it. And that, my friend, it's your brave move. For more resources, go to the show notes. Go confidentlycoaching.com is my website. You can sign up for the newsletter, you can download some of the best resources that I have for you, and join the community. There's a link in the show notes. Until tomorrow, I love you so much.