How to Be More Assertive: Speak Up, Stop Apologizing, and Build Confidence

Ever leave a conversation thinking "I should have said that"? Julie DeLucca-Collins breaks down why women default to silence, why confidence is the outcome of assertiveness rather than a prerequisite, and the exact language shift, starting with banning "I'm sorry," that can change how you show up in every conversation.

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Confidence and assertiveness are deeply connected, but not in the order most people think. In this episode of Brave Moves, Julie DeLucca-Collins explains why we don't wait to feel confident before speaking up — confidence is actually the result of taking assertive action, not the thing that comes first.

Julie unpacks why so many women default to people-pleasing and silence in the moment, then find the perfect words hours later, and shares a personal story about asking for a promotion and raise that changed her own default mode. She also breaks down practical language shifts inspired in part by Jefferson Fisher's book The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, including her client rule against defaulting to "I'm sorry," swapping apology for gratitude, and cutting unnecessary filler words that dilute your message.

This episode explores:

• Why confidence is the outcome of assertiveness, not the prerequisite
• How people-pleasing quietly costs you opportunities to speak up
• The "no sorry" rule and what to say instead
• How filler words and adverbs undermine your message
• One brave move to practice today

Transcript

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Have you ever left a meeting or a conversation or maybe a family discussion at dinner and thought, "I should have said that"? You know, you had the thought, you had the words, you just didn't say them out loud. And here's what I want you to know. You weren't born quiet. Stay with me till the end, because I'm gonna show you exactly why that moment happens and give you a rule I use with every single one of these instances, and that I share with my clients, that changes almost everything overnight. And if you're new here, I'm Julie DeLucca Collins, and I am so happy that you're joining me for another day. And my friend, if this episode is your new episode, I wanna encourage you to subscribe. And even you who have been listening for a while and haven't subscribed, you are in the 80% that people that don't subscribe to podcast even though you listen every day. Please do so, and I'll tell you why. It helps others find this show, and I know that we are creating a community of brave movers and inspiring others to go out after their dreams, and you subscribing helps the podcast to be found. And of course, your review goes a long way as well in helping us get recommended through the algorithms of the interwebs. So now let's get into it. I want you to think back to the day you were born. Okay. Think about it. Picture yourself as a cute little baby, and you couldn't talk yet. You couldn't explain what you needed. W- so what did you do? You cried at the freaking top of your lungs. You didn't apologize. It was not soft. No, "Sorry to bother you, but I may be hungry if that's okay," right? Does that sound familiar to what we do now? You just said it loudly because your needs mattered, and some part of you knew that. And here's what I want you to hear. That assertive instinct never left you. You're still in there somewhere. Between that moment and day, most of us got taught to trade in for being agreeable, being easy, being quote-unquote, "nice," and gosh, do I hate that word. We learned to shrink our voice down to something quieter, smaller, more apologetic, but the wiring in your brain is still there. We're not building assertiveness from nothing. We are remembering it. And here's a pattern I see over and over and over in the women that I work with. Something happened in a meeting, a negotiation, a family conversation. Someone talks over them. Someone takes credit for their idea. Someone asks them to do something that isn't fair, and in that moment they say nothing. Then an hour later in the car, in the shower at 11:00 PM, they're staring at the freaking ceiling, and that's when the perfect response finally shows up and they say, "I should have said that, darn it." And the gap between the moment you needed to speak up and the moment the words finally arrive is exactly where quiet confidence is leaking out of you. Here's the myth I wanna bust. Most of us think we need to feel confident first, and then we'll be able to speak up. It's actually the other way around. Confidence is not a prerequisite for assertiveness. Confidence is the outcome of assertiveness. You don't wait to feel confident to speak up. You speak up, and the confidence shows up afterwards because you prove to yourself you can do it. I learned firsthand early in my career, I asked for a promotion and a raise at the same time. I remember sitting in front of the board of executives, and I remember just looking straight at the CEO's eyes, and I said to him if you're looking to expand, I know that I'm the qualified person to do it." And the room filled with quiet. And I remember at that point, I thought, "Oh, my God, what did I do?" And then I thought, "But I am the best qualified person." And I was tired of being passed over, of being spoken of "Oh, Julie is doing such a great job," and then yet they had not thought of me for the position. And they were talking about this great expansion and how they needed a leader, and I thought, "Don't they call me a leader?" Speaking up for myself got me found and got me seen and got me heard. And did I feel uncon- d- did I feel self-conscious? Of freaking course. And I remember, the reason that I did it is because I remember just griping to my dad and saying, "You know what? They're doing this, and they wanna bring someone who does this and that, and I do all of that. And how come I've been building this organization and helping and supporting and hiring, and nobody knows better than I do of how the department is running, because I built it from the ground up, and now they're thinking of hiring somebody else?" And my dad looked at me and said, "Honey, no one is gonna toot your own horn. You've gotta toot your own horn." And I thought what if they think I'm conceited, and what if they think I'm out of line?" And there's a possibility that, yes, that can happen. But the reality is that the only thing that you can control is you. The only thing that you have power over are your thoughts and your actions, not somebody else's. And if you believe that you have the qualifications, if you believe that you have the right to give your opinion, if you believe that you can help someone or you wanna raise your hand, or even better if you believe that what you're saying and standing up for yourself matters, then, my friend, you gotta do it. And when I spoke up for myself, something happened on the other side of the I didn't expect. I didn't just get a raise. I got Proof that I could ask for what I was worth and survive it. That one moment of speaking up became the thing I built on. It became my default, not because I woke up one day feeling bold, but because I took the actions first and the confidence followed. That's the whole secret, friend. Confidence isn't something you find. It's something you earn one assertive move at a time. And here's what this gets really practical, because assertiveness isn't just a mindset. It starts with actual words coming out of your little mouth. I have a rule with my clients, and they are not allowed to say, "I'm sorry." As their default response, most women will say, "Oh, I'm sorry, can I bother you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, can I get past you?" Jesus. That word should be banned forever, in, at least in this context. There is a place for a real apology when you've done something wrong. But I'm sorry cannot be the reflex, you, your filler word, your automatic opener. Think about how often women say sorry for things they need zero apology for. Zero to bo- sorry to bother you, sorry, I just can I ask you something? Sorry, I know you're busy. Sorry for existing in this meeting, apparently. Here's the swap. I want you to think of using gratitude instead of the apology. Instead of sorry for the delay, say, "Hey, thank you for your patience." Instead of sorry to interrupt, try, "Thank you for letting me jump in." It sounds like a small shift, but it's not. Gratitude puts you standing upright. Apology puts you on your knees before you even said what you needed to say. And here's a second language habit worth clearing out; unnecessary adverbs and fillers that soften everything you say into mush. Listen to how this sounds. "Hey, so basically, I just kinda need to tell you something, and you can totally tell me if I'm wrong here, but what I'm really feeling, by the time that sentence ends, nobody remembers you were actually trying to say that basically, kind of, totally, really, you know, it's an armor. It's your pre-apologizing for taking up space before you even made your freaking point. Say it clean instead. "Hey, I need to tell you something. Here's what I'm feeling." That's it. That's the whole sentence. Strip the padding, and what's left is assertive by default. And here's the piece that ties it all together, friend. Every time you default to people-pleasing, softening your ask, apologizing for your existence, agreeing when you don't actually agree, you are trading away the opportunity to be assertive. And very missed opportunity, for sure, and that makes the next time to be assertive harder because silence becomes the habit instead of speaking up. And the good news is that it works in reverse too. Every time you choose the assertive response instead, even a small one, it becomes a little more natural the next time. So your brave move for today, catch yourself the next time "I'm sorry" is about to come out of your mouth for something that isn't actually your fault, and replace it with a thank you instead. That's it. One swap, one sentence. Notice how different it feels to stand behind your words instead of shrinking in front of them. And if you wanna go deeper on this, I'm gonna point you to a book that I read that I think really encapsulates all of this. It's called The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More. Some of what shaped my thinking on this episode came from the work in this book, and I think that is genuinely a practical read for anyone who wants their next conversation to go differently than the last one. And if this episode struck a nerve, I wanna hear about it. Go to the show notes, click the link, and tell me about a time you said, "I shouldn't have said that." And I read every single one of your comments and messages. It is so easy to go to the show notes, and it'll say, "Send Julie a message," and I get it. All right. I'm gonna go for now. But remember, I love you, and I hope you have a great week, and that this is the week of assertiveness for you, my friend.