Under the Hood

Episode 27: Let’s Talk About…*Talking* About Sex

• Rebecca & Alex • Season 1 • Episode 27

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0:00 | 30:04

Many couples find it easier to have sex than to talk about it. In this episode, Dr. Rebecca Eudy and Dr. Alex DiGrado explore why conversations about pleasure and “what’s working” (or not) can feel so awkward—even in trusting, long-term relationships. Drawing on clinical experience and real-world examples, they focus on the “supreme courage” of saying what you actually want, hearing your partner without shutting down, and co-creating a shared language around sex. You’ll learn practical, non-cheesy ways you and your partner can move from just guessing and performing to intimacy that’s way more connected, playful, and mutually satisfying.

What you’ll learn:

  • Why the clitoris—not the vagina—is the true anatomical counterpart to the penis, and how that relates to the “orgasm gap” in heterosexual couples.
  • How spontaneous vs. responsive desire works—and why fantasy, warm‑up, and the rest of your day can make or break sex.
  • What LGBTQ+ and kink communities can teach all couples about talking openly about consent, roles, and desire (even if you think you’re pretty ‘vanilla’). 
  • Gentle, positive ways to give sexual feedback (and stop faking orgasms) without crushing your partner’s ego or killing the mood.

Tune in if you’ve ever thought:

  • “I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings, but what we’re doing just isn’t working for me.”
  • “We flirt and crack jokes about sex, but we never actually talk about it in a real, honest way.”
  • “What if I want to try this kinky thing, and they think I’m totally weird?”
  • “If I need lube and a lot of time to get turned on… does that mean I’m not actually attracted to my partner?”

Helpful resources:

Connect with us:

Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy
Website: rebeccaeudy.com
Instagram: @rebeccahowardeudy
Newsletter: Parents in Love Substack

Dr. Alexandra DiGrado
Website: bostonpelvicpt.com
Instagram: @bostonpelvicpt
Newsletter: Under the Hood

Under the Hood Podcast
Instagram: @underthehooddocs
Website: underthehoodpod.com

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to Under the Hood with Dr. Alex and Dr.

SPEAKER_03

Rebecca, where we share pearls of wisdom from our 30 years of combined clinical experience. Okay, here's a tricky topic. Might make some blush. And then other people just try and completely avoid it altogether. So that's why we're doing this episode. This episode is talking about sex with your partner. And we also want to talk about talking during sex. And we haven't decided if that's gonna also take place in this episode or if it needs its own episode. But the first thing that we want to bring up is how enriching and wonderful it can be to talk about sex with your partner and how it can cultivate a much more gratifying and healthy and enjoyable sex life. But I don't think a lot of people are talking about sex.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I mean, couples who have a good sex life that lasts for a long time talk about sex more than they have sex. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Talk about it a lot. And so I have several patients who really struggle because they feel like their partner doesn't understand what brings them pleasure and that they're they don't want to wound their partner. They don't want to hurt their ego or their feelings, and they and so they but they want their partner to understand what brings them pleasure so that they'd be more interested in being intimate. And so that's a really difficult conversation to broach. And I'll give you an example, and then I'd love to hear what you think. 95% of people with a clitoris need significant clitoral stimulation. This is a completely normal physiological truth that stimulating in and around the clitoris is very pleasurable for people with clitorises. And yet, in our mainstream media, it looks like P in the V, kind of penis in vagina, nowhere near the clitoris is what's bringing pleasure. And that just isn't the reality. But it's hard if your partner isn't aware of that fact, that then they may feel that it is somehow lessening their ability to pleasure their partner if the clitoris needs to be involved. And so is there any way to bring that up in a gentle way? Or how do people start these really tricky conversations?

SPEAKER_01

That's such a great question. So yeah, it can feel like it's really challenging to start these difficult conversations. So let's get to that. I want to get to that in a minute, but one of the ways in which we do not understand the clitoris, I mean, there's so many ways that the clitoris is misunderstood. And even for folks who have clitoris, they are really deeply under misunderstanding the role of the clitoris. So the clitoris is the only organ that is solely for pleasure. And in sex ed, boys and girls are taught boys have penises, girls have vaginas. Even before sex ed, this is what we teach our kids. A boy has a penis, a girl has a vagina. This is false. This is patently untrue. Yes, boys have penises and girls have vaginas. I mean, gender expression aside, this is problematic for many reasons. But the vagina is the birth canal. It does not have hardly any nerve endings. Right. Can you imagine giving birth through the clitoris? It would be excruciating, and birth is already painful enough. So by design, the birth canal does not have a lot of nerve endings. Right. It doesn't mean that intercourse is not pleasurable, but the anatomical counterpart to the penis is the clitoris. It's the same tissue. Yes. The clitoris gets engorged. It increases in size tremendously. Tremendously. So it should actually, the clitoris gets an erection when arousal is happening. And so to say to exclude the clitoris or to think that we just like sort of brush up against it and that's going to do the trick, it would be like excluding the penis. So I love this example that I that I find to be, you know, every time I use it, it makes me chuckle a little bit. But imagine having sex with the balls. Right. The total obstacles being the main focus. Yes. That our culture and in our, you know, in your relationship with your partner, they think that your balls are the ultimate in the erogenous zone. And they are doing excessive ball fondling and you're kind of swinging the penis trying to get it involved. You know, you're like, okay, can we just get just a little? Oh, that feels good. Oh, wait, okay, now you've moved on. You've moved back to the balls. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

No, it doesn't mean so true. Well, I never heard that until right now, and it's very useful. It's very useful. Like truly, and it's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, it is. Isn't it outrageous? It's outrageous. No, not to say that, you know, ball fondling is lovely, but it's lovely, but not the main event. And so, but if we if we truly, if every movie showed men orgasming from ball fondling, and every partner that you have, that this is what everybody would kind of assume.

SPEAKER_03

And well, and also if your pleasure was so decentralized, because I think that's another huge part here. And and that that yeah, penis owner's pleasure is perceived as more important.

SPEAKER_01

Well, from a from a reproductive standpoint, the penis owner's pleasure is more important because they need to ejaculate in order to have a baby. But you know, there's generations of women who have had multiple children and never had an orgasm. Yeah, right. So female pleasure is not central to reproduction and not essential to reproduction at all. And also reproduction is not central to sex. Also not.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So there you go. Yeah, exactly. So if we're talking about sex, I think it's two different things, right? You know, talking about sex, then I think the pleasure is paramount.

SPEAKER_01

Pleasure is paramount. Yeah. I mean, Emily Nagosti, who I think has done arguably. Definitely. Yeah, she she's done more in bringing what research there is into the public, you know, mind. So she has this book, Come As You Are, which I think is really excellent. And then she's got a second book Come Together. Yeah, exactly. Lori Mintz. Oh, I was just saying, how could we not talk about becoming literate? That was the becoming literate is also a great one. So one of the things, if you have a partner who is interested, yeah, I think doing a book club can be really helpful. Okay. You know, we read, there's, you know, there's also the male-centered sort of book, which is called She Comes First.

SPEAKER_00

That has a lot of good information as well.

SPEAKER_01

So choosing, you know, if you're if your partner would be open to reading a book together, yeah, there's some really good information out there in these books. Because I think one of the things that holds people back from talking about sex is shame. Yeah. But also not having a shared language. Yes, totally. So it feels awkward. People say it instead of sex, or people say sex and not get, you know, they don't get really specific about what they mean, or they'll say intimacy when, you know, what does intimacy mean? There's so many different ways to be intimate. I mean, having a, you know, being being a parent is a deeply intimate experience. Intimate experience. You know, so they say general terms and people don't feel they feel awkward getting really specific. But unless we get really specific. Yeah, right. Then we don't know what we're talking about. Then we don't know what we're talking about. And I think the other thing that can sometimes happen is that people think, oh, you know, I'm I'm good in bed. I know, I know what to do. You know, you know, there's like the partner who's like, I know my way around the clitoris. Or I know, but it's like, well, but do you know your particular partner? Yeah. Do you know exactly what they like? They may like, and we're we're talking about, you know, people with all of us here, but like, do you know what actually kind of stimulation your partner likes the best? Because for some people, they want direct clitoral stimulation. And then sometimes that's too overstimulating. It's too overstimulating. For some people, adding something like a vibrator or even sort of like manual stimulation during intercourse can be really helpful. For other people, actually, clitoral stimulation with intercourse is too overstimulating and distracting. And so actually, their easiest way to orgasm is without intercourse. It doesn't mean that intercourse isn't on the menu, but actually having something inserted into the vagina is not an easier way for them to orgasm. Right. For some people, you know, different positions can be enough clitoral stimulation that they're able to orgasm through intercourse, but really it's through clitoral stimulation, you know, maybe being on top or, you know, different positions, but it's very individual.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. There's a wide range of what's normal. This is just reminding me of that orgasm gap that doesn't exist in same-sex couples as much as it does. Not as much. And so it's interesting though, that I think if we were just talking about what society believes, that it's quote unquote harder for women to orgasm or you know, people who have clitoris and bulbas. And that's not true. It's not true. No, it it's it's a it's a time. There's time. It it does take longer typically if you're looking at purely time.

SPEAKER_01

So I think that that might be true. But also when I talk to women about masturbation, it can be quick. Really quick. It can be really quick. I mean, you know, there's a range of of what's normal, yeah. But using fantasy and vibrator tends to be really quick.

SPEAKER_03

I think I bring up time more so in the sense that the warm-up, I think people don't realize that you could start the warm-up in the morning for something in the evening, you know, because it there's there's that's how we're so creative and and imaginative and our brain can start to work, and that actually really enhances the experience.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. Right. I mean, if you don't have the brain and the fantasy on board, then the sensation, you know, the the friction and the lubrication is essential, but it can feel neutral or even bad if your brain and your fantasy and the arousal is not on board.

SPEAKER_03

And that's where I think sometimes people lose that. We were talking about this maybe in the last episode, where it's things that happened earlier in the day come into it more so, I think, for people who are experiencing it that way. Their brain is saying, ugh, I can't stop thinking about whatever that argument that we had earlier. You know, it's not just the friction, obviously.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's right. And for people who have more spontaneous desire, which tends to be people who have more testosterone, which tends to be people who are male by birth, you know, or who are taking testosterone supplements. When there's more testosterone in the body, there's more spontaneous desire. And the spontaneous desire overrides those other thoughts, those, you know, almost like intrusive thoughts.

SPEAKER_03

Whereas this responsive desire, you have to be responding to something. That's right. Really interesting. I love the way you just put that. Okay, so that gives me some language, which is the topic of this podcast episode, which is the language, and that is really helpful. Wow. It's so funny how it comes back to even our conversation about fighting. It's like when you have the language, it helps you to identify how to go about it. Okay, so what do you suggest people how do people broach this topic with their partner?

SPEAKER_01

So I think that you have to have a shared language with your partner. Interesting. Okay. So I'm sure that with your patients, when you talk about sex with your patients, you cultivate a shared language with them. Totally. You use certain words, you probably use more clinical words. I do as well, because we are in a clinical setting where I would be using probably more clinical words. I'm not using a lot of slang to refer to body parts or anything like that. But actually knowing how your partner wants you to refer to their body parts. So for some people, like, you know, you may say, I don't know, the the word dick or the word, you know, penis, or the word, I don't know, there's all kinds of different speeder or whatever. And some you might be like, okay, I kind of like that. And and others may really make your skin crawl. You're like every time your partner says something, right? Like I think pussy is a word that is one that can go, you know, either way, that you may like that. You may like to refer, you know, using those particular words. But if your partner is repeatedly using a word that you're like, I really don't like it when you call my, you know, particular parts that. Or, you know, an example is some people may say, may say, refer to sex as fucking. And for other people, that feels really like that's something derogatory or something. And so cultivating that shared language that you know what your partner likes, what works for them, what works for them. And for couples who don't have this, which is a lot of couples, I will actually give them a list and ask them to go through. And usually people have a stronger negative reaction than positive reaction. Some stuff is more neutral, yeah. And some stuff is more neutral. So that's a good place to start, is what are you actually talking about? So if you say, well, when we have sex, okay, what does that mean? There's a lot. Is it when you kiss me, when you touch me in a certain way, when we're actually having intercourse, when you're having oral sex? Like getting really being able to have the language to be specific about what you're actually talking about is really important.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. And so then once you have the language, is there a timing to this? It's like I'm thinking, do you talk about it shortly afterwards? Do you talk about leading into it? And then how can you approach it in a way that isn't hurting people's feelings, essentially? Like how do you give someone constructive criticism?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So I would say that taking a positive, so I think that's super because it's so much easier to say what you liked.

SPEAKER_03

Like I really liked when you did that, you know?

SPEAKER_01

But it's not always our first instinct because we may notice more, especially if we're in a little bit of a deficit where the sex is more pleasurable for one person than the other. It may be easier to think about, oh God, they're doing that thing again. That it's like maybe you act like you liked it that one time and then they've like really latched onto it and they keep doing it. Or sometimes, particularly for people who have clitorises, they may fake an orgasm. Yeah. And then their partner is like, dang, every time I do that. Yeah, right, right. And then and then they have a misperception. And so hard. But then it's like, it's it, I mean, faking an orgasm is kind of like lying. That's usually how it lands with the partner. Totally. Yeah, it's dishonest. It's a little dishonest. And so that can be a really hard thing to back away from.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So finding something that's positive. So praising and giving sort of advice or or nudging sort of in the right direction. Wow, I really liked it when you did that. Okay. Or just really asking for what you want. Yeah. I would like for you to do, you know, X, Y, and Z to me. Whatever it is. Are you open to that? Or I really like it when you do that. And are you thinking during, before, after? It doesn't matter. It's person dependent. It doesn't really matter. I think that when it's positive, when you're giving positive feedback, when you say, wow, that was amazing. What were you doing with your totally? What were you doing? Like that can be that pillow talk where we are that's already in that soft zone.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Just kind of close. Exactly. And that's sort of maybe a different episode where we talk about how do you talk dirty? How do you talk about sex during sex? And a lot of that is actually getting really specific about what you like, what you want, what your partner's doing, what you want them to do to you.

SPEAKER_03

So that's like getting specific about your pleasure is talking dirty. That's what it is. So I think about it as observations of what's actually happening. Like you're so wet. You know, like I feel like that's partners will say that. That's really, yeah. But why would you say partners say that because you're turned on.

SPEAKER_01

Because you're turned, because you're turned on and because it turns them on. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

They're not saying, ooh, you're so they're like, wow, it's very positive. Exactly. Which that's tricky because there's times in life where even if you're aroused, that's not happening. Right. So I do think that that is one of those topics that we will obviously clearly, now that we're midway through here, I'm realizing we need to dedicate a full episode to because that does alter your perception. You know, there's many phases, postpartum, menopause, postmenopause, where lubricant is really essential and it has nothing to do with your level of arousal. So anyway, let's let's same with erections.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Same with erections. So those are functions. Functions. Those are functions. Yes. And functions can certainly be very arousing. Yeah. But functions is performance. Yeah. And so making those observations, like you're so wet or you're so hard, or that can be really arousing, but what you're actually saying is something that you like, something that is keeping you in the moment. Okay. Okay, so yes.

SPEAKER_03

So let's talk about talking during sex. Another time. Yep. Yes. And now we can talk about how to talk about sex. So like I just I think this is just so cringy for people.

SPEAKER_01

It is when they're really close. Yeah. And I think that a lot one of the things that people miss. So when I say couples who have great sex that lasts a lifetime, talk about sex more than they have sex. I don't mean that they're like talking dirty all the time. Yeah, no. Although they may be. Yeah. But like, I don't know, an eggplant emoji, that's talking about sex. Yeah. Trying to schedule sex, that's talking about sex. Saying, I know we talked about having sex today, but I'm really tired, or I ate too much at dinner and I'm not feeling sexy. Could we do it tomorrow? I really, I'm, I really want to do it. I'm really looking forward to it. Yeah. So sharing your experience of wanting to be with your partner. It's so brave. It is brave and it's also essential. And it's talking about sex. Yes, it is. It it can be talking about, I really want to be able to want sex with you. And these are the things that are holding me back. And I really feel bad about that. And I don't want you to think it's personal. It can be, you know, I really want you to know that when I'm like what we were just talking about in the public floor episode, where you encourage your patients to have those preemptive conversations. You know, when we're having sex, you may notice that I am, you know, my erection is not as hard. As hard for the entire, this has nothing to do with you. With you. Right. So that's also talking about sex.

SPEAKER_03

Like, yeah, and when that happens, I'd like to focus on your pleasure and how lovely that is, but it's how difficult it is to say it until you say it and it goes over so well. And then it's great. But you're right. I do feel that when my patients and I are discussing this and I'm asking them to bring this conversation to their partner, it's so much easier to blame it on me. I usually say, Alex told me Alex told me that I needed to, you know, just say this ahead of time to help with the anxiety piece of this. Or, you know, Alex said that I should share this with you, you know, whatever. And so I feel like I just say, use me as the excuse kind of thing. And I joke, like people will say, Alex, I thought about you during sex. And it's like so it's it's you know that it's completely clinical, you know, and it's just like, yeah, they I told them to breathe and relax and they they remembered to do it. Yeah. Yeah. So yes, I do think somehow it's hard for us as close as we are with that intimate partner to be able to discuss it.

SPEAKER_01

But what happens is when they are able to discuss it, when your patients and my patients are able to discuss it with me or during therapy, then it gives that shared language so it's easier to talk about it next time. Yeah. I think that one of the things that can happen is that a lot of people may feel some shame about their own sexuality. Okay. Like either they don't have enough desire or the things that they want are kind of weird or that they're going to be rejected. Many, many people have had the experience of being rejected. And those moments loom large, right? It may be like, I don't know. Yeah, I never want to experience that again, right? It just hurts.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It's like maybe as a teenager you had like a moment where there were like, I don't know, braces involved. Being ghosted out being ghosted stuff. Yeah. Absolutely. Someone breaking up with you or never calling you back. Totally. You know, these are really painful. Deep wounds. Deep wounds. And so it makes sense. So one of the things that I think can happen is that when if one person really wants to talk about it, they may come with what they want or what their fantasy and their partner kind of freezes. Yeah. Or they may say, This I think happens a lot, is you may have a partner who is very curious about their partner's pleasure and they say, What do you like? What do you want? And they're like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It feels like a lot of pressure. Totally. Or they might know and they feel too shy to say.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So it almost sounds like it might be easier to s start from like, did you like when I did that? Or did you Yeah. You know, something.

SPEAKER_01

But even that can be, you know, this is this is an act of courage. It's such an act of courage. And a lot of times it's an act of supreme courage and vulnerability. Sometimes it can be easier to show than tell. Okay. So there is this. Yeah, yeah. And that's what I was thinking when you were talking about earlier, just like using your hand to move their hand.

SPEAKER_03

Exactly. Yeah, during. Yeah. Just to kind of be like, you know, yes. Move it away or whatever.

SPEAKER_01

Whatever, whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. Or sometimes saying, you know, giving like soft directions, like a little harder or a little softer, a little bit. Yeah. So that can be helpful during. But something that can happen for people is that some people, when they're feeling a lot of sensation or when they're in the moment, whether it's shame, but also it's a sensory thing. Yeah, sensory thing. That they actually have a hard time finding words in the moment. Yeah, for sure. So that can also be challenging. So if if you're one of those people who has a it's overwhelming to try to find the words in the moment, then it sometimes that debrief and and keeping it positive to the extent to which.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that which you can. Interesting. And also just noticing, right? It's more just saying so things that you're noticing. I noticed this, you know. Yes. And and so that to me is a little less intimidating than just a cold call separate from the act.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's right, right. Like I I just want you to know we've been doing this way for for years, but it's not been working for me for all of that time. One of the things that I think can also be helpful, it's like blaming it on you. Oh, well, you know, it's so interesting. Alex said this thing, or or yeah, I listened to this podcast, or I read this book. And I didn't really ever think about it for me, but it does kind of resonate. So it's almost like this is new information for me too. Yeah. That can be helpful as well.

SPEAKER_03

Because so many of my patients have been in their relationship for years and years and years. And the idea of number one doing something differently and number two discussing doing something differently is really intimidating. It is. And yet it can transform someone's sex life and make it so much more enjoyable and pleasurable, especially for people who are having that desire discrepancy.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And I think that it's okay to not know the answers. You know, sometimes people think that, okay, if I'm gonna bring up this conversation, it's gonna be awkward, I need to really know. I have to give instruction. But you really don't. You can just bring up the conversation. You know, I really would like for it to, you know, our sex life to be more pleasurable, or I would really like, I would really like to be having more orgasms, or I would really like to to have more desire. I'd want, I want to feel like I want to have sex with you more. Do you can we try to figure this out together? I love that.

SPEAKER_03

I'm almost approaching it from a sense of curiosity. Yeah. Because doesn't everyone love to feel useful? So you're coming to them with a problem that you're hoping that they can help you solve.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That's fantastic.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So that I think can be sort of helpful. But again, this is an act of supreme courage. It is. Because a lot of times, you know, when you're having for for folks who are not in a relationship that matters, you know, they're maybe they're having a one-night stand or they are in a new relationship. It's easier to have these conversations.

SPEAKER_03

Perfect time to practice. Perfect time to practice.

SPEAKER_01

Yep. And low stakes.

SPEAKER_03

Low stakes. Say whatever you want. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But if you're in a relationship that is deeply meaningful, that you really care and totally and that you respect like so much. Respect the person, you don't want to hurt them. It can be, it really is in some ways even more an act of supreme courage to have some of these conversations.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And this is just bringing up a thought for me, which is I do feel that culturally it's not super encouraged to say ahead of time. Like I was thinking more so for these newer relationships, to be able to just say ahead of time what your needs are, you know, because you're just kind of yeah, you're shy or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You're not like uh to be assertive and and express your needs that is just it's true. It's so important, but it's so hard to do.

SPEAKER_01

It is hard to do, but you know who does it well is LGBTQ. Oh, yeah. Folks, you know, they talk about top or bottom or you know what you know, what they need or what they want. The other are more creative anyway. And so then it's absolutely and the other folks who do this really well as well are the folks in the kink community. Yeah. Because there's a safety issue. They're talking about what they want, what they need, they're they're having these conversations of consent and pleasure ahead of time. Yes. So just even if you are, you know, vanilla heterosexual, taking a page, there there is still so much range for sexual expression that if you don't talk about it, you're not gonna know, you're not gonna discover it. You're either gonna be not getting what you need and thinking, okay, this isn't really what I want, or that's not really what I need in order to orgasm or in order to have pleasure. Or you are going to be having sex that is not all that pleasurable. Or or you're not, you know, there might be this whole world that you didn't even know was pleasurable for you that you're not exploring because you haven't had the conversations.

SPEAKER_03

This is reminding me so much of when you said that, you know, sex can mean so much more than a penis in a vagina. And of course, we know that, and and hopefully our listeners know that, but but not limiting what your definition of that is can just open up that whole range. But maybe even being able to say that, saying, yes, I'm dealing with these erectile issues right now, and I would still love to be intimate with you. Can we explore that together?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, absolutely. And that's such courage because again, there is a performance in there. And, you know, I think that for folks who have clitorises, they're not faking orgasm for them. They're faking orgasm for their partner.

SPEAKER_03

Because they don't want to hurt their feelings.

SPEAKER_01

They don't want to hurt their feelings. And so sometimes these conversations can look like I don't need I our sex is very pleasurable even when I don't have an orgasm. Yeah, totally. And having the that I have found to be very transformative for some couples, where if there's the expectation that you have to perform, whether, you know, Yeah, then you can just relax and enjoy it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Really enjoy it. And then maybe eventually you come, you get there.

SPEAKER_01

Right. You come to that. Even for for anybody. Yeah. You know, sometimes when there's the delayed ejaculation for folks with penises, being able to say, This, I just want this to be about you, that's incredibly pleasurable for me. Totally. And having your partner be able to accept your word as truth. Totally. But again, that requires a high level of communication about understanding what brings your partner pleasure.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. So if I'm reflecting accurately, it sounds like around the act is sometimes a little easier, like pillow talk afterwards. Can be if it's positive. Yep, if it's positive, just sort of like sprinkling. If you're not used to talking about it at all, you could start by saying, wow, I really enjoyed X, Y, or Z, because that's just a safe, easy way, you know? And then we can kind of expand beyond the bedroom a little bit. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_01

And if you're giving negative feedback, I would not give it in the bedroom. No, no, yeah, definitely not. That sort of like, I would like for this to be more pleasurable. Can we brainstorm? Don't have that conversation right now after you've had unpleasurable stuff.

SPEAKER_03

And it sounds like bringing in some other information that you've read or would like to read together is a great way to sort of deflect a little bit from. Exactly. Okay, thank you. Wow, this has been so helpful.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks for listening to Under the Hood. We hope you enjoyed this episode. Please like, share, and subscribe.